The Chaser Report - Please Buy Our Stupid Pool Toy | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: October 30, 2022

Charles has done it again. He's spent the entire company budget on novelty merchandise. Please buy our terrible products www.chasershop.com including our brand new 2022 Chaser Annual which also doubles as a single-use-pool toy. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I am Charles Firth and with me today is Dom Knight. Yep. And Craig Roocastle. Hello. Did you notice anything unusual on the way in here, Craig?

It's interesting you say that, Dom. Yes, I did notice it. I came into this place and there was a giant blow-up avocado on the couch. And I thought, ah, they've done some funny stuff. stunt. Good on your child. I've taken on a big avocado. Yeah.

Taken a big avocado. Do you think they're going to the Prime Minister with it? Yes, yeah, probably Chase the Prime Minister suggesting. Something higher stakes and like the old days. I then went into the next room in the office and there were approximately 40,000 boxes filled with what seems to be, Dom, does this say you, helping non-home owners stay afloat, avocado pool toy, perfect for millennials. It's the only thing they can realistically afford.

Anyway, another terrible product from The Chaser. Well, I mean, that part, that was convincing as well. So am, am I led to presume that Charles has sunk a large amount of money into hoping people buy avocado pool toys? I don't know which thing worries me more, the notion that Charles basically sucked all the tiny amount of valuable money invested in this, all that he went into death to order the pool toys. I mean, the amazing thing about this is that it's very hard when cryptocurrencies,

is crashing so hard, right? And global stock markets is crashing so hard. Fuck, it's hard to find a worse investment. But I think Charles, Charles may have done it. So talk us through the logic here, Charles. I mean, you obviously thought what we really need is a witty product referencing the, I don't know, six-year-old meme about millennials and avocado. Wasn't it Bernard Salt who made some patronising comment?

I remember having debates about this. Yes. Was it, might have been longer than six years ago. 18, I looked at us. So the show has just come roaring in with the sort of topical comedy that we're known for, selling an avocado pool toy that will make millennials feel worse about themselves. How much does this can cost? So let me just, look, shut up.

Okay. Let me just run you through the thinking. Okay. So first of all, our beach towels, since the last couple of years, have sold incredibly well, right? And that's because we sold a beach tower with Scott. Morrison, lying on a beach in Hawaii, and it's greetings from Hawaii. And you only brought out a year after that was topical, right? So relatively rapid response, quick.

No, but that was a really good beach. I've got one. Yeah, they're good beaches. It's a fantastic. And he was prime minister for a few more years, and it was a great attack on the prime minister of the day. Now, yes. How does this fit into?

But the whole problem is, keep listening to his thinking, dog. Scott Morrison has unfortunately been unelected. and it's no longer a Prime Minister, which means our whole... You heard it here first on the Chesa Podcasts. But our whole merchandising is up in the... Because that sort of props up the entire company, our merch sales into Christmas because people buy things at Christmas time, right? Yeah, the bar for what to...

Because we need to buy something that nobody owns. Like, yes, and yes, exactly. Like, people like novelty products, like 80% of our sales get sold, and they're not buying it for themselves, they're buying it for somebody else. It doesn't really matter how good the product is. If I was buying you a Christmas present, which I've never done, I would probably buy some shit from something like The Chaser.

That's a perfect level of friendship for this. It is perfect for your secret Santa time thing is this. So then I just thought, well, what's another summer style thing? If we can't do a beach tower, nobody could come up with a good idea for a beach tower for this year. What is something else that you use in summertime that people can give to their, and let's face it, the only people who have money in this economy, uh, rich boomer parents, right? Like, so my thinking is,

you know, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not thinking that the millennials will purchase them for themselves. God no, no, no, they, okay, it will be gifted to them. Okay. B, uh, I don't think anyone under about the age of 35 even knows what the taser is. And, and, and, and, say, um, they don't have any money. Like, like, yeah, like, and they don't have pools.

They don't have... Oh, fuck. They don't have pools. No, no, but the whole point is... It doesn't really matter because if you think about it, like, the people who are buying, like... Oh, no, I've got it. So the boomers will buy it for their kids

to use when they come over to their big houses with pools to rub it in. But will boom and parents really want, under the Christmas tree, a present that rubs into their children, the extent to which they've completely exploited them economically, and which all their dreams are dead? Definitely. Christmas to me. Absolutely, yes, definitely. Yeah, I think, yeah, definitely. And also, I think your kids aren't old enough, Tom. Once your kids get older, all you're looking for is ways to rub in their face. To crush them. Yes, absolutely. That's just all you're looking for.

And I imagine that there'll be some people who just like the gap. Yeah, I don't really know why I do. But it looks, but isn't it an awesome product? It is, look at it. The interesting thing about it is that you can take out the avocado. The avocado pip. Yeah. And it becomes a ball to hit. Yeah, yeah. To throw it at your boom of appearance. I was curious about that. Because you need a hole in a pool toy in order to float inside it.

And it looked very uncomfortable to have this giant stone in the middle of it. Can I suggest, I mean, firstly, the fact that you've invested a large amount of money in this shitty plastic toy is not thrilling to me. But I think, given I don't want the Chaser to go bankrupt, I think the reality is you've downplayed, by quality of a pool toy, you downplayed a lot of the positive things about this. Okay, yeah. Firstly, you should include a beach toy because in Australia you can still go to the beach. Oh, that's free. Yeah. It's free to go to the beach.

Secondly, most millennials, because they don't have a house, they have picnics. And I actually think, and I'm going to test this now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's going to pop under your weight. It's incredibly big. It's incredibly, I think it might be really comfortable as a kind of a picnic. As a picnic. Let me test if I can bring the seat.

Yes, you're right. Hang the second. Let me see. Let me see. That doesn't look too bad. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hang a second.

Oh, wow. This is... You sort of need something to prop your neck up. Yeah, if only there was some kind of ball. Hang the second. There you go. Oh, this is definitely the least comfortable I've ever been in my life. See, no, this is...

We could sell this to the CIA as a torture mechanism if we wanted to. This is incredible. See, Charles, I think you're not actually thinking big enough with this. product because when I look at this avocado pool toy it is so large it's about what five feet tall yeah um how much are you charging for it we haven't decided yet okay so the key is it's got to be it's got to make us a fortune in order to stem all our losses okay so i'm not thinking maybe a hundred bucks fair market value i think this has got to be in the realm of most secret santa present things right oh okay so like what like 20 25 maybe i think 89

But hang on, what I'm looking at, what I'm looking at. Charles, before you settle on $89, man, I suggest you try and lie in this. When I look at that, though, Charles, what I'm seeing, from the perspective of a millennial who wants to buy a house, I'm seeing shelter. You buy ten of those things, sticky-type them together. You've basically got a house. Yes. And if you classified it as shelter, you'd be able to negative gear it and claim it

on tax. You could probably get a mortgage to buy one. Yes. And put it, where would you put it? You put it in a park, I suppose, in some sort of public land. But can I tell you the real problem that we've faced in, because they've all arrived now. Like, as you say, there's like 60,000 boxes of them is we were going to shoot a little video to sort of sell them, right? To get some sizzle. Yeah, to get some sizzle. And I don't know whether you've noticed, but it's been raining quite a lot because there's a lenina this year. Yes. The third lenina.

And so we keep on organizing a pool to shoot this in. And then it'll just be pouring with rain because no one can even go outside. So you have chosen, yes, possibly the worst product. Hang on. And no one's going to be swimming in their pools either. Yes. But Charles, put a sulk on this thing. Put a stick underneath it.

It's an umbrella. Well, let's see that. Oh, shit. But there's a ball in the middle that. There's a hole in the middle. Yes. Yeah, this is, oh, God, I don't think I'll ever walk again. Yeah, so, look, the point is, I suppose, that,

but don't you think there's a sort of novelty gift? Like, nobody else is selling an avocado pool toy. I wonder why that is, Charles. I can't believe you did that one. Like, just on the price point thing, like, last year, I think it was like floating unicorns with a big day. My daughter's into unicorns. Everyone bought one.

And they were priced at $99. Like if you wanted... Are you kidding? Are the floating unicorns are $99? Yeah, yeah. They were $99. Yeah, yeah. So my thought was, if I come in at like $59, $69, $79, maybe $89,000,

undercut that market. Plus, it's got the PIP, which is a ball. That is basically... This is the only good part. You know what I've liked, though, is because on the sales guff you've got on the front here, Yeah. What I like is that it doesn't show you that this is a ball. So it downplays the only good thing about it.

That's good. It's like a beach ball. You don't want, when you're marketing something, you don't want to talk up the positive aspects of it. No, it's like a kind of surprise. You get surprised by the ball being able to. Well, you're fucking right. I'll be kind of surprised if anyone buys this.

But also, thinking back to the meme, thinking back to the original concept behind. all of this. What was it that millennials wanted instead of buying houses? Avocado. No. Smashed avocado. And I'm more than happy, Charles, when you can't sell any of these stupid

fucking pool toys, I am very happy to smash the shit out of them out of them and pay good money for the privilege. You realize I'm going to have to spend the rest of this fucking day trying to find out how to recycle these. You don't need to, they're durable. They'll last for years. No pool toy has ever lasted more than

30 seconds. They're not single-use pool toys. This is high-quality shit made in China. I'm actually thinking you could potentially sell them to the Australian government as a submarine. I think that's a shit. Yeah, well, they don't sink. The very point of a submarine.

But I must say, actually having ordered a thing and made it happen and this is more logistics and an organisation than we've ever had in the Chaser. Yeah, I'm impressed. If only you could think of a good product, this business is not actually saved. It's funny you should say that because, I literally got a text message this morning that the 3,000 backpacks that I've ordered have just arrived on the dock.

Oh, God, really? Yeah. What's the concept? So they're called Qantas. Instead of Qantas. Ah, yes, yes. And the whole idea is printed on the... They're custom printed with a little label that says,

you know, the airline lost all my check-in luggage. Oh, okay, that's good. So you carry-on luggage. Can I say that... After the last month, I have been in the most extraordinary, like, experience with Qantas. I have been calling them for over three weeks. I've been on, like, I've spent hours and hours and hours just trying to fix a ticket up. It's been, like, the most Joseph Heller-esque fucking nightmare on earth.

They finally, like, after all these calls, they called me back last night at 11.30 at night. to basically fuck me over again. It was extraordinary. They are next level. So are you saying you would buy a Qantas backpack? I think this is a great product, Charles, and you've redeemed yourself after the avocado pool toy. Well, maybe you should buy the avocado pool toy to sort of put in your backpack that you get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. So buy both. Buy both. What a great idea, Charles. $100 each. Can I check one more thing? You didn't order any Liz Trust merchandise, did you? Oh, yeah, there's a whole, they're on their way.

Six weeks. Why don't we start, why don't we start a Qantas club, wherever it can come together? A frequent fuck-up club. And just talk about how much I hate Qantas. I think that would be a very good business. That's a whole podcast. There's no business model in podcasts.

Nah, I think we've established that after you. There's no business model and podcast. All money has to be made from Avicata pool toys. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the A-Cast credit. network and you can buy a coming soon i mean this is like a hot tease we've spent an entire podcast talking about this product and it still isn't going to be for sale i'll put it up online so that you can pre-order you no no no you can order your podcast jump on chaseryshop dot com

and laugh at how much charles are selling this thing for it will definitely be much more than it's worth see yeah