The Chaser Report - Please Don't Take Us Literally

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Just a generally straightforward episode of the show where nothing we say is ironic whatsoever. Especially not about the following topics:Koala's (consuming, killing, generally hating)Silicosis (as a necessary tool for life to thrive)Capitalism (being good)Burial methods (being bad)That should clear all bases, but we're not taking any risks. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I am Dom Nis and I am Charles Firth. And today I have a lesson, Charles, a lesson I want to share with you, which I've learned from the news. I am. And look, it's a lesson, it's a life lesson that I think everyone listening to the podcast

today can learn from, which is that in order for life to happen, in order for the world, to turn for progress to be made. Occasionally people, animals, occasionally there has to be death, right? There's a trade-off that has to be made. And for so long, I've just felt like we should, you know, try and stop animals from dying out and species from becoming endangered, workers from dying on the job. But now I realize that that comes with a high price. I'm just not sure we're willing to pay it.

Let's be really honest about this, okay? Right. So this is not some sort of philosophical position. like, you know, Nietzsche said, you know, the essence of life is death. Yeah, death is inevitable, just question of when and how. You know, that there's an embol. You're saying just this is more of a sort of like expedient, like cost versus benefit analysis. That's right.

There's going to be death, right? And people are going to die. Yes. So ask yourself this question, Charles. If someone's going to die anyway, shouldn't they die in the production of beautiful new Caesar Stone benchtops? This is what's been happening in large numbers These engineered stone it's called Like they used to just make things out of, I don't know, wood or stone

But it turns out that if you don't cut them And they're cut when they're wet, right? Yeah If they're cut without using full safety gear The silicon dust lodges in the lungs And can be fatal in many cases It's called silicosis We've never been for a very long time

It's horrible And it is sad This is happening a lot at the moment But that's a beautiful engineered bench top You've got there, Charles. Yes, we're just in my kitchen now. I mean, there's no actual blood on it. There's metaphorical blood on it, but no actual blood.

So let me just understand what you're saying is, I don't know how much that bench top costs, probably a couple of thousand dollars or something like that. And how many lives is the question. And maybe a life, right? But what you're saying is, to get all that full equipment, it would probably cost, what, an extra hundred bucks or something? To have full PPE, yeah.

I mean, it would cost a lot. And so... When margins are tight, Charles, margins are tight. Yes, that rather than spend that extra $100 and have a bench top, which didn't cause anyone's death, it's probably on a cost-benefit analysis, better to just let that person die of silicosis. Yeah. So that we can have $100 off the bench top. Well, I guess the other thing is it costs more, right? It obviously costs far more.

If someone dies prematurely young, they're not paying tax. They'll be in welfare needs it. But also, the health system has to pay for their treatment, right? It's a vast amount of money for someone. But that's not being paid. Yeah, that's being paid by the government. Yeah, that's somebody else paying. Not by the company that makes the engineers don't be.

Yes. Bench tops. I think we're sort of overstating how bad dying is, right? Because if you think about it, it's not just one benchtop that this person has made to go from. It's probably thousands, right? Well, they can make 40 a day, these high-grade skilled engineers who make it. In a year, that's probably, what, 1,600 benchtops a year, you know, working on the idea of 40. So you're saying there's a lot of benefits.

Well, I'm saying that that's, like, that's probably, you know, like to actually account for, well, actually probably means that the cost spread across all those benchtops is probably about $1. the banditops in it to be super safe. You know, that's why they call it Caesar Stone, because Caesar was famous for not really giving his shit if the Grunts died, so they can get what he wanted. In Caesar's case, it was, you know, empire building and conquering the known world. In this case, it's a beautiful kitchen.

It's beautiful kitchens. I mean, wasn't marble, okay, did we really need that these engineered benchtops? Why, is it just that it's cheaper? Like, what's the problem with, like, I'd love marble. It's probably cheaper. I mean, it depends how your factory. And why can't you get silicosis from marble?

Well, it's not made of silicon. It's not made of silica. Oh, right. So silicosis, we're talking, there's 70 people in court in Victorian Queensland who are stricken by silicosis and going to die prematurely. They're suing their employers for not providing a safe working environment. But, I mean, define safe. It was safe for you.

There's no danger to the customer if the benchtops dry. This is very dark, Doc. It's dark from the workers' perspective. I think of the people who make the stuff, they've had a great business. And so what is the, what's the argument? Is the argument that we should just ban Caesar Stone, or is it just that we should make people actually have full protective gear? If you want them to live, you would, yes.

And people are calling it the asbestos of the 21st century. Yes, well, that's exactly what it sounds like. Yeah, but we don't stop having it. It's not like we've ripped out all the asbestos. out of all the houses and, you know, tried to save people's lives. It's not like there's been a dust diseases tribunal going on for decades trying to this is quite dark. Charles, let's not.

Let's move on for this. Let's talk about something nicer, more beautiful, like koalas. Let's talk about koalas. Yeah, I want to talk about koalas. This is really what they call a virtuous circle where everyone wins, okay? One of the things we most need to make the world better, it's actually not Caesar Stone benchtops as nice as it is. It's renewable energy.

renewable energy projects and the Albanese government is forging ahead with a bunch of them and how can you possibly be against there's 140 developments that the environment federal environment department's looking at the moment the only mild problem

and really it's really a hiccup or a glitch you could call it sort of a tiny little thing is that it will damage precious koala habitat what yeah but hang on But what, like, surely, like, is there no other space than koala sanctuaries to build solar farms on? I mean, it seems a little bit opportunistic, doesn't us?

Like, what they're doing is they need a massive expansion of renewable energy to meet the energy target, right? Yes. But then at the same time, Tendiplebezek has vowed to protect indigent koala populations. Yes. But you can't, because you need the habitat for access roads, site development. What? And also you will massively reduce the sort of habitat available to the koala. But it's against that, we'll have renewable energy.

But it's a question, it's a trade off. But why don't you just build the renewable energy not in a koala sanctuary? I mean, you could put them as offshore windmills, couldn't you? You could just make everything an offshore windmills. Like, koalas don't live everywhere. Well, they don't now because of all the bushfires, because we didn't take. See, Charles, you can't have both ways. You, you know perfectly well that during the Black Swan bushfires,

massive numbers of koalas died their habitats were decimated and those fires were caused where they're not partly by climate change So we're trying to combat climate change By building all these wonderful Renewable projects The only problem is it is also killing the koalas

So they're going to die either way The point is you can't have koalas anymore So you may as well have renewables So you might as well just When they're going to die either way No but koalas Coalas are at pest levels in South Australia Oh South Australia

They've got 500 koalas per acre or something That's a very good question. Is it fair enough if the only place we let koalas survive is in South Australia? What I don't understand is South Australia also famously has more renewables than anywhere else in the country. Well, I've got that big battery. I've got the big battery. It doesn't seem to me the total honest truth that you have to kill koalas. It sounds like a Barnaby Joyce talking point or John Barilaro talking point.

But he was his phone from killing him anyway. The only way we can have renewables is to be able to kill koalas. I don't want to get sued by John Ballaro. John Ballaro loves koalas. What? He just likes weighing them up against things like farming, right? Yeah, yeah. Don't see me, John.

If you do, I'll get friendly Jordy. Yeah, that's right. And perhaps dress up as a koal. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Tanya Plubis X said to the Herald earlier this week, if you want your kids and grandkids to be able to see Kyle's in the wild,

We have to change what we're doing because in New South Wales we're on a trajectory to know koalas by 2050 but what I'd say to the minister is given that just green light the renewable projects I'm sure the koalas would rather die

for renewable energy than from bushfires wouldn't they? If they got a vote Well I think no I think the truth is the koalas are unbelievably stupid and they probably don't have a preference at all

because they can't really think much because their brain is at the size of a pea I didn't want to brain shame koalas, but I do remember from researching the koala for a book that I wrote once that apparently eucalyptus leaves are one of the most nutritionally terrible foods you can have. So they've chosen this food. They've basically got to spend the entire day eating because there's so little nutritional value. That's why they have to go to sleep. They basically, it's like if your child only ate lollies.

Yes. Right? Yes. So the koala, they're not very bright. They're stupid. Not only that, and this is a hilarious detail I found out the other day, which is that there are over 200 different types of eucalyptus leaves in Australia, and the koalas only like about 10 varieties of eucalyptus leaves.

No one can figure out why they like certain types and not other types, but also you don't know when you're planning them. you don't know whether, like when you're planting eucalyptus trees, you don't know whether koalas are just going to turn up their nose at that particular tree or not, and they more than likely will. That's not the kind of species that survives. No. It's not survival of the fittest.

It's sort of picky, picky, puffy, dumb. It seems like an eastern suburbs attitude to life. I mean, just because they're cute, do they deserve to survive, right? The only reason we're even talking about them is, they wouldn't be in the news. No. If they were. If they were. You know what these koalas are doing.

They're after a hand out of eucalyptus leaves. They should get a hand up. They should evolve. Yes. Other than your... Coalas, if you're listening, you should consume foods other than eucalyptus. It's just a stupid thing to eat. But you still haven't answered my...

Eat bread. Don, you still have... Eat pizza. You haven't answered my fundamental question, which is, why are koalas necessarily pitted against renewable projects? Why can't you just move the renewable project? to not a koala farm, like, or not, you know, where the koalas live. Like, why, why do they have to be where the koalas are living? I'm reading this article here in the City Morning Herald, and they don't actually address

why. It seems to me, like, I feel like an evil genius has come up with this, like, it's like when you're a parent and you go, well, do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes time, right? And it's just a false choice. I feel like that's what is happening here. Like, I don't know, what is it? Probably, what's one of those evil energy companies?

Like, AGL or something like that. Oh, no, they're not evil anymore. No, well, my... Energy Australia has come up with this brilliant thing of, I know, the way we'll get our renewable things is we'll kill all the koalas. Which then begs the question, couldn't we have turbines that are powered by koalas? By koalas, yes. Yes, and they little, they scammer.

her round. Actually, that's the way to save them, isn't it? I was going to have some sort of furnace that burnt them up. On a treadmill. A giant treadmill where they get a shitty eucalyptus leaf that for some reason is all they want to eat. It's them like fussy children. We're coddling these koalas.

This is the thing that happens, Charles. If we only put, we're putting the evolutionary pressure on them to eat something other than eucalyptus, if they manage to evolve to eat, I don't know, banana bread. Or avocados, there's a glut of avocados, then they get to survive. but instead we're coddling them like we do our children. I mean, why do I give my child baby food when she should just evolve to eat grown-up food? Just because she's 10 months old.

I thought you're going to suggest that she should eat koalas. Well, you know. Yeah. It's the other white meat. All right, Charles, but then, look, I want to tie these things together. Yeah, yeah. Because there is a terribly horrible episode. I guess I've argued that death is inevitable in something.

Are you sure? Are you trying to be the new Ellen Jones or something? Yeah, that's right. But there's an upside here. This is where I'm saying never say, which is that if you're going to die, there's a great way to make sure that you have an impact beyond the term of your life. Oh, yeah. It's called human composting. And there are startups in New York and California, which want to turn your corpse into something that will give back to the environment.

I mean, embalming's bad for the environment. Obviously, being incinerated. Cremation is terrible for the environment. It's bad. What you can do instead is what they call natural organic reduction and basically turns your body into soil. But isn't that what has been happening for thousands of years called burying?

Like, that's just a fucking fancy name for burying. You can't be put in a box or you just put in the soft. So it's like a paupers. It's a porpoise grave. It's like a cardboard coffin. A really expensive paupers grave. Yeah, because what you're paying money for, For instance, you're not paying money for the coffin.

No. You're paying to the branding consultant to account with the name of this business, which is return home. Return home to the earth from which we came. You can pre-purchase a return home now. I love it. I know. We don't cremate them.

We bury them in the ground. It's a whole new technology. No one's... We'd just give it a new brand. It's new. Do you know what? The name of the woman who pioneered this. industry is called? This is from the Guardian.

Copy face? No, Katrina Spade. So what you do is, the way that works is she did this in her graduate thesis. She got a degree for this, right? She got a degree. Coming up with burying. Yeah, she looked at the way that, no, Charles, you don't understand the brilliance of this process. Okay, right. Okay. So traditionally, you just

put the body in the ground. It takes ages to compose what it is. But she looked at what farmers did to compost animals. Oh, they put them in a container with straw and wood chips. Yes. And composting a human only takes 8 to 12 weeks. It uses an 8th, the energy required for cremation, and it's eco-friendly.

I'm happy to do that. They would be good, be giving something back. And if you did it, like, in your backyard, then your family could, you know, harvest the food that comes out of your dead body. And they'd be eating tomatoes or whatever in their big thing, oh, there'd be a little bit of child. With notes of dad. Yeah, little aftertaste. Presumably unless you dive... The acidic bitterness that Dad was so...

Presumably unless you dive silicosis, in which case your body's toxic and can't possibly be returned to the earth. But other than that, we can do it with the koalas. Oh, I think that's definite. So there you go. Death is inevitable, so we may as well have nice kitchen benchtops. That's what I've got for this. Well, I think I might just order another.

I know this one's new, but... Get another one. Our gear is from Road. to be a part of the Iconiclest podcast network. And nothing in this episode was ironic. These are all things we genuinely believe, especially Charles.