The Chaser Report - Pointless Revival | Mark Humphries

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Comedian, satirist, and most notably, host of "Pointless" Mark Humphries chats with the team in this Afternoon Edition of The Chaser Report. Mark delves further into the fascinating story of his electricity bill, and makes a pitch for his next hosting job based on an old British television show he wants to revive. Plus the occasional plug from Charles for their live show "War On 2021" which you should all buy tickets for, even if you're from Newcastle. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, good afternoon and welcome to The Chaser Report. We've got Alexer and Gabby here. And today, we're joined by Mark Humphreys. Woo! Hello. Oh, I'm not Mark. Well, thank you.

What a thrill. Yes, it's me. I'm back. So, Mark, last time you were telling us a fascinating story about your electricity bill and how it was actually. applied to a different house down your street. I can't believe this has actually come back. And I just

can we get an update? Because I'm on Tenderhooks here. What has happened to your electricity? Did you get it sort of out? So just to recap, even though I'm sure that that episode was the most listened to episode of the podcast, I discovered that essentially every house

in our sort of block, there's 16 of us. There's 16 different houses. Every house in the block has been paying for some other houses electricity. All the meter numbers were swapped. I believe I used the phrase what was it? Human centipede

of electricity bill. And so that was resolved in inverted commas. They worked out what the correct numbers were. Oh right. They did that. I thought that would never happen. Like I thought that that was... Well, yeah, I mean, they did the easy

bit, which was to basically just confirm what I believed, which was that the numbers were wrong. So they finally sent someone to go, Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were right. And then they sent a general email to everyone, which was very vaguely worded. I'm not sure everyone who got the email would understand exactly what the issue had been. I understood because, of course, I'd sent 32 emails back and forth with these people. You've basically consumed months of your life.

I haven't done anything. I mean, I've been quite absent from 730 this year, mainly because I've been dealing with this. these emails. And I did have shingles and a few other help me. Oh, yeah. But it was mainly, I was mainly caught. I think this might have given me the shingles. Actually, no, I think about it.

Yeah, so they basically sent an email saying, okay, here are your correct meter numbers. So then I went, okay, I'm now going to go and sign up to my correct meter number. And then I do that. And of course, the energy company came back and said, oh, somebody already has this meter number. I know, I know, I know. But that said, I now need you to kick them off that number because they are not supposed to be on this number. I would like to pay their bills.

I would like to pay, well, I would like to pay the bill that they, I would like to pay my bill that they have been paying for me, as opposed to someone else's bill that I had been paying and so on and so forth. So anyway, they reluctantly put me onto that number. About three weeks later, I thought, you know, it's funny, I haven't received any email or anything confirming my new account. So I went on to the, you know, the website for the energy company that I won't name, Energy Australia. Nice. And, of course, I go on there.

And there's no record of the account. So at this point I go, I think I've done all my can. Yes. Yeah, there's a few times you can try and write the wrong. And if it just keeps going wrong, you just keep doing it. So you now basically have, because you've got electricity, you're on the call now. It looks kind of dark over there, though. It is a little dark in here.

Yeah, no, I'm basically riding a bicycle at the moment to power this conversation. But other than that. But you now, because you originally wanted to resolve this whole thing because you were worried that you could cut out at any moment. Yes. Yeah. So I'm still going. And, you know, so I've said, I've hooked up five life support machines here just to really push it. Wait, does this mean, does this mean this is completely free for you now?

Like, you're not paying for any electricity anymore? Yeah. So, so, so, then later, so that was, so I sent Charles a message a few weeks ago just with that update. Since then. Surprisingly, we didn't book you on the podcast immediately. You did ask. Anyway. Since then, I have gone back onto the Energy Australia website

just to pay a gas bill. In the process, I discovered that they have now set up that account, but the bill has been sent to another neighbour. Shit. So I'm waiting for that neighbour to knock on my door with their bill, assuming they can work out. But they won't know because no one goes, oh, wait a minute.

5, 4, 3, 2, 8, 7, 3. That's not mine, that's Marks. No, and no one sees the name Mark Humphreys on a bill and goes, I know who that is. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. When we last talk, there was word of turning it into a sort of Netflix dramatisation. Yeah, called Electricity Bill. I'm firm on this title. That was your bill. Has that progressed at all?

Are you? I've moved on to something else, Charles, because I realised my real strength is in taking beloved British formats and then running them into the ground. And so what I would like to do instead is there is a show from the UK called Surprise Surprise. And it ran for I think about 20 years and from the 80s through the early 2000s in its original incarnation hosted by the singer Silla Black. And the basic premise of it is that it's a live sort of variety show where they would have a live studio audience and various people would be plucked out of the audience to receive some incredible. surprise of a dream of theirs that, you know, a friend or family member had written in to say, you know, my brother has always wanted to, you know, be a backup singer

for, you know, someone or other, or has always wanted to march with some marching band or So it's like make a wish, but without dying of cancer. Basically, yeah, and it's a very heartwarming, uplifting television. It's sort of... Is there a cap on the amount that you're allowed to ask for in terms of how much to surprise costs? I don't think there is because some of these are pretty elaborate. So I posted one on my Twitter feed recently at my Comphreys.

I'm sure you're already following if you're listening to this. I saw it. I was crying like a baby by the end. That was amazing. It is extraordinary. So that one was basically two elderly people who had been matched up on Silla's other show at the time, Blind Date. So they'd matched up these two.

Silla's doing well, isn't she? She's doing very well. We've got to start matching people up on our show. Yes. Yeah, no, she was the original Osher Ginsburg. But anyway, so she, these two elderly people were paired up, sent on a blind date to Bordeaux. And then, that's what I fell in love. And then they were brought on to surprise, surprise as a kind of, they were just sitting in the audience thinking they were going to catch up with Silla after the show.

She actually instead brings them down and tells them. that she has a surprise for them and it's someone from New Zealand. Air New Zealand has given them tickets to go to New Zealand where they've both got sons who are 57,

both live in New Zealand and they're going to fly them over. Then the additional, maybe I shouldn't even say more than that. I just think, I really do recommend people. No, no, tell the story. Tell it, tell it.

Yeah. All right. So basically there's a surprise. You've both got sons who are living in New Zealand. You haven't seen them. for ages, you're going over there. Now, the woman's daughters are also on the couch with them as well, and one of those

daughters was about to get married that weekend, and then Phila says there's an additional surprise. You obviously haven't seen your brother in 36 years, this man who's now 57 living in New Zealand, wouldn't it be wonderful if he could be there for the... wedding photo on Saturday. Well, surprise, surprise, he's here, and also he's brought with him the other, the old man's 57-year-old son as well. And so these, it's just this phenomenal reunion of two families who haven't seen each other.

And they go and they hug, but then they're just chatting. Like, they sort of forget that there's cameras there. They're just so amazed and it's just so beautiful. What I cut out of the clip, which, because I always feel it's slightly undercuts the moment, is that after these massive reunions, because I think it's quite awkward to watch people then have those initial conversations, the solution they had on the show was that Silla would then leave the stage and break into song. What? So it's always slightly jarring. It's a song about meeting in New Zealand? Tell me she sings like, keep smiling.

It is a bit like keeps smiling. It is a bit like he's mine. It's a song called, well, sorry, it's a song about surprises. Oh, stop it. Yeah. So she goes off and goes, Life is full, full of surprises. It's surprising how dreams come true.

Life is full. And it goes on like, I'm glad you're going to bring it out to Australia, are you? I'm going to bring it out to Australia, are you? I'm going to sing the song. And are you going to sing the song? Are you going to do it as a... I think that you have to be a slavish, devoted to the original format.

So down to the red wig, I think I'll even wear Silla's hair. And have you had any buts? Like, is anyone wanting to do it? Well, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't, this is my initial pitch. I'm sort of just, I put, I put the tweet out just to kind of see if there was any interest. Because I discussed it with Clark Richards, actor Clark Richards, about whether there'd be any interest in this and I've sort of wondered if people would respond but it's had I think almost 50,000 views now you know it's no Mark Humphrey's you know 730 video but

but it's doing pretty well and so I feel like there might be a market for some something a little bit more uplifting and a little less you know married at first sight I want I want you to do this so bad Mark I want you to sing I want you to sing the songs I'll happily play piano for you. And can we wear a little matching outfits? There is a live band. Yeah, there's a live band. You never see, but they're...

Is there a risk? Because if the ABC picked it up, they wouldn't have any budget. So it'd be like, it'd be like... Surprise, there's no surprise. Now, we know you wanted some toast, but we couldn't afford it to get a toaster. So he's just some bread.

And it's a bit soggy and stale. I know you've always wanted to thing back up for Rod Stewart, but have you met Annabelle Krabb? Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. The funny thing is, is that there was a show in Australia in 2000. called surprise surprise but it was a practical joke show i think it was so they they took the title and then kind of ruined it and sort of so i think i can't recall exactly but my yeah it does

seem to be so maybe the practical jokes were now you haven't seen your son in 36 years and you're not going to his annabel crab oh no it would be you haven't seen him son in 36 years and guess what he's dead we found out he's detained in an offshore prison I'm likely to ever come home. Well, according to the Wikipedia entry, a celebrity version was produced in 2007 called Surprise, Surprise, Gotcha!

Are they all, do you reckon they're all owned by this? Is it an actual franchise? Or it's just the name not copyrighted. Does Silla just not think about that part? Very good question. I'm trying to, there's sadly not enough information about the Australian version of Surprise,

surprise, on Wikipedia, which is why you must donate to Wikipedia in their current charity drive. I just gave $21. I've done my bit. Have you done yours? So I know somebody, and we probably shouldn't broadcast this, but go off.

I know somebody who works at the Wikimedia Foundation, which... And you know what their main problem is, is they've got too much money. It's true. That's not what their emails say. My emails were quite stern with me. The last email was quite disappointed, actually. And that's what tipped me over the edge because I think I've received

dozens of emails since my last. Once you donate to it, you've been become, like, you're a Mac. You're a Patsy. Yeah. Well, because Jimmy at Wikipedia.org sent me an email titled Our Final Email. Oh, God. Oh, my God. They don't have the money to send another email.

The future of free knowledge is at stake. In 2018, you were among the extremely rare readers in Australia who made a donation to invest in a future where everyone can access fact-based and unbiased free knowledge. On Wikipedia. You're laying it on pretty thick. I don't know actually understand why it costs anything. You can't actually use it for it.

Like, what's the point? Because you can't even cite it in a university paper or anything. It's not a reliable source. And also, they've got other people to do all their work for free. Like, it's just literally, they're just going to pay to get the computer on. It'd be like 20 cents a day. I think it costs a lot to write those emails. Oh, yes.

Yes, it's the Jimmy Wales, just the fat checks that they've got to cut in each month. It's actually paying their salary. Can I just say, talking of charity cases, Mark, are you looking forward to the War on 2020 tour, which starts next week, starring such luminary satirical all-stars as Jenna Owen, Victoria Zerps, James Schlevel, and you and me. Oh, my God. Yes, I am a War on 2021 tour, I think, is what you were trying to say. Oh, what did I say?

War and 20 clear. He's stuck in the past. Yes. I'm delighted. I'm particularly excited about performing in Newcastle, and it has nothing to do with the underwhelming ticket sales in that venue. Well, no, no. Can I clarify, though, Mark, which is that when we booked that venue,

it was like under COVID, it was like 300-seater because it all was a COVID capacity. Yeah, right. And it's the City Hall. And they've since opened it up, it's now 1,000 seats we've got to sell. So we've sold 500, but it's still going to look completely empty. How many people are there in Newcastle? I think there's only about 900. And they're all fuckwits as well.

They're not going to want to see the highbrow humor of the war on 2021. I think you're going to have to have a gimmick to sell those 500 tickets. You know what you should do? At the front of the stage, you should just have like a, what's it called? Like a buffet. Yes. You should just offer to feed everyone for the night. A buffet of Lucy's.

What? Like loose cigarettes. My memory of Newcastle was always just, you go up there. What, pre-federation. Get stabbed. And then at the end of the night, buy a Lucy from the convenience store. Well, that's your excuse. Half your audience got stabbed and they couldn't show up.

Buy a what, Charles? A Lucy. I don't, I've never. Well, back in the day, if you couldn't afford. to buy a whole packet of cigarettes, with no one could, right? As opposed to now when they're so affordable. They were like $4 a packet or something.

Oh, God. That you would buy, for 20 cents, you could buy a single cigarette. I mean, it was illegal to sell them, but all the milk bars would sell Lucy's. Oh, yes. You're a generation ex-person, correct? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. So there was like, no, no, but even where I grew up, on the main street, there were at least three or four milk bars, and they also sold Lutie's. The bar sold them or the guys who stood there and hit the jukebox? No, the milk, but not a, no, a milk bar like a hamburger joined, like before McDonald's existed.

Why is everyone laughing at me? Mark, you must remember, you're old. I'm laughing at the Greece reference from, sorry, the Happy Days reference from Alexa, but yeah, no, but I think, look, as you say, if we need a gimmick, I mean, I think if we promise that someone in the audience would get to meet Annabel Crab, I think that would be a real move for the show. Other than that, I think next year's posters should say, you know,

get tickets to the sold-out show, and then asterisk, sold out under COVID conditions. I think it should be. That'll do it. But we're going everywhere, including Melbourne. The Melbourne show has just opened up. And actually, we've basically already almost completely sold out of that. So if you want to go to the Melbourne show, look up war on 2021 on Google.

Yeah. I'm finally alarmed that three of the seats for a Melbourne show were assigned to, it just says noose. I don't know what that's about, but I think it's a bit weird that's going to be in the audience. It's had a rough week. He still feels special, treated to a show. It's our final show.

Jesus Christ. And then also, actually, we've still got some tickets for sale in Canberra. We've got a really big venue there as well. Oh, right. Yeah, all 25 seats. Canber Theatre Centre. And also I should say If you are in Perth

Hobart, Brisbane, Adelaide Please stop writing to us about shows We can't come to you There's been a pandemic, stop writing to us Yes We would come if we could Somebody, I don't actually remember who it was But there's another Australian comedian

And they were announced like You know a Melbourne, Canberra Newcastle sort of tour as well Don't know who that is Maybe they're coming for your butts But other than that Somebody in the comments was like Please come to Perth

And I think they wrote back something like When they will let me in I will do a show People just forget We're not allowed Especially one of the side effects Of the vaccine is amnesia Just like you just completely forget

That there was a pandemic in the first place That you needed a vaccine for But I think people in Perth probably don't know There's a pandemic on They are three hours behind I don't know Maybe the pandemic hasn't reached Perth yet I don't know

But yeah So please please please I'm writing to us. Other than that, I'm very excited about this tour because I don't know what's going to be in. I do go to rehearsals on Monday and find out. So chaser.com.com.com.com slash live if you want to get tickets to the show. And Gabby, you've got a show as well. Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Pity plug. I love it. Yeah, I have a show as well. I'm going, I guess I'll talk about it. It makes no fucking sense. We're interviewing Mark. He set you up for him.

I have a show coming up in December in Sydney from the 16th, the 18th. I'm debuting my comedy show, musical comedy. You know, everyone's favourite, completely non-polarising form of comedy. And is that the show that you're then taking to the Adelaide Tringe? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, so it's called, I hope my keyboard doesn't break. And I actually genuinely hope it doesn't because it has been not doing well these last couple of gigs.

It's like a collected dust over the last four months. And the whole show is you on your keyboard. It would be a bit of a disaster If it broke, yeah I feel like I've Macbethed myself With the title of the show unfortunately But yes, I'm taking it to Sydney, Adelaide and Melbourne Well hopefully Mark can get his show up in time

To surprise you with a new keyboard Or Annabelle Crab That's an interesting thought If it's actually just a sort of Rorted scheme To get things for my friends Maybe just get one of the political parties to put the show off And it says like

We've got you a car party Just getting exactly Or if you were like a terrible friend You could just use it as an opportunity To give your friends back stuff that you borrowed from years ago It's the scarf I took from your housewarming Four years ago Bet you didn't think you were ever going to get that back

Surprise Surprise Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Okay, Mark. Well, lovely to have you on. And look... It is, isn't it? I think, um, let me know.

No, no. Well, no, we'll have you back in a few weeks when you found out more about your electricity. Charles, you are saying this outro with the fucking velocity of a bad job interview. Okay. And we'll let you know. You have a good rest of your week. We've got all your details. Yeah.

That was a really great go, wasn't it? I'm assuming we're cutting all this and the outro will be. It depends when you get to edit. Yeah. I can already hear Silla walking off the stage and breaking into song just so she doesn't have to hear the awkward conversation. Surprises. All right, Gabby, I'm commissioning you to write a new theme song for surprise.

Fuck yeah! I'll just put like a gunshot in the middle of it. It's a real surprise. So that was Mark Humphreys. You can catch his stuff on his Twitter feed, which is at Mark Humphreys. and he does one two-minute sketch every two-week. So he's a prolific... I mean, if that, I mean, like I say, I've been very ill.

It's probably about one a month this year. But next year, my gosh, what's the fore? I'm going to be really ramping it up.