The Chaser Report - Poo-olingo | WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

Welcome to our classiest episode of Welcome To The Future yet, where Dom and Charles review a futuristic device that rates your poop. In evidence that no corner of capitalism has been left untouched by the influence of Bluetooth, even your daily hour on the toilet is now at risk.---The Chaser Report: EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/chaserreport Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee 🌍 Buy the Wankernomics book: https://wankernomics.com/bookListen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles and another episode of Welcome to the Future. Oh, Charles, if only there was a future in which we regularly updated the separate podcast feed for... Welcome to the future. Now, you said you had a cracker, a cracker of a story for this today.

I have no idea what it is. I'm keen to find out what our future. holds and the extent to which it relies on terrible Bluetooth. Yes. Well, this is sent in by J.T. A regular Welcome to the Future contributor. A major contributor, really? Yes. Probably the biggest contributor.

I note that one of the things that he's sent in has an Amazon link, which makes me think that maybe he's getting affiliate money just by telling us about it or something. Is J.T. A he? I was J. T. A woman. I don't know. J. T. needs to use some more information. Who knows.

Thank you, J. J.T. whoever you may be. So we've got a few. Bluetooth devices, but this is the best one. It's called Throne. Throne? Throne. Please tell me this is toilet-related. Yes.

Oh, brilliant. Because I was hoping that even dodgy than that, it would be something to do with the royal family. Some sort of Prince Andrew-related Bluetooth out. But no, I think... That's deeply illegal. I think far better if it's a toilet, actually, than anything to do with Prince Andrew. So the thing is, what... Like, don't you...

When you are sitting on the toilet... Sure. Best place to listen to this podcast, frankly. And you're doing a bit of a poo. Yeah. Don't you think, wouldn't it be better if there was a Bluetooth device monitoring my poo? You mean sort of checking, analysing it for health issues and something? Well, just bringing AI to the table.

Oh, that's, it's true. That I've often wondered, goodness me, if only there was some, you know, I feel like this experience is two hands off. There's just not a close enough connection between me sitting up here and the contents of the toilet bowl, Charles. Yes, exactly. So Throne is a little device You just clip it to the side of your toilet And presumably it must sort of have a sense That it goes in there

And it fits a little arm Fits on any toilet apparently Yeah brilliant And what it does is It works out who you are Like who is pooing Based on your proximity to it In terms of your phone's Bluetooth

Oh So it's assuming you've got your phone and your hand, like so many of us do. Yeah, I mean, I think that can be take. And so it can therefore distinguish each person's poo based on who's pooing, right? Like it creates an individual profile for everyone in the household, right? And the great thing is, if it doesn't recognise what Bluetooth device is pooing currently, it doesn't track that data at all.

Oh, right. It's very privacy, very privacy focused. Fantastic. And the thing is that what you can do is it then creates these beautiful graphs on your phone about... Charles is turning around to show me the graph. Oh, it's got little... It's called the Bristol Stool Scale. It looks a bit like...

And look, see that example there, they've had a type 4 poo. It looks like a kind of midi beats. No, but it's actually a... Yeah. It's a multi-coloured representation of a poo. That's much nicer. Like, couldn't have they had a photo of the actual poo? Or would that have been less classic?

Well, you talk about photos. There is a whole part of the app for photos, right? Which is that what you do is you're supposed to photograph your food before it goes in and becomes poo. Oh, right. You snap a photo. The start of the process. Yes. And it logs your food.

And then once you've turned it into a log. I mean, logs is an interesting verb to use. Yeah, right. The AI then analyzes how you've processed it. and therefore gives you recommendations on how you can improve your gut health based on what it's doing, like the before and after being. I wonder whether actually you could, yeah, maybe you should actually take a photo. I mean, it sounds to me, Charles, like something that would probably be genuinely useful

if it could actually work this out, but which no one in their right mind would ever actually want to happen. There's a Bluetooth sensor inside your toilet to track your poo. I mean, like, great concept. But did they actually do it a little bit of marketing? We said to say, would you pay for this service? But also, I feel like there's so many things to do now on your phone. Like, you know, you've got your duolingo streak.

Do you need your poo street for your throne street? Pooo lingo, yeah. You're a puo lingo. No, I've got a very long duo lingo streak. I've got to deal with that before I work out my poo profile. It also gives you, it can tell you exactly when you've peed. Oh, that's very useful. Because, like, if I said to you, what time of day did you poo last Thursday?

Would you be able to tell me? I have absolutely no idea. Yeah. And yeah. Amazingly, I can't recall. Yeah. Yeah. Or what was the, what was it called?

What was the type? No, yeah, what was the Bristol stool scale of your poo, you know, last month? Bristol school, a stool scale. Gosh, isn't that a wonderful gift to the town of Bristol? Is it someone with a surname Bristol or did the town come together and devised that one? And the good thing is, it's hands free. Well, good. Easy hands-free health-tracking.

And I've just actually looked at the other side of the device. So you attach this device to the outside of your thing. Right. I'm going to show you the inside, like what the monitor looks like. It's a fucking camera. It's a camera. It's a camera inside your toilet. So, Charles, I'm looking at the Bristol stool scale because I want to know more.

Which one do you think, one to seven, talk me through how you think it works? I reckon one is very loose, stools? No, other way around. Okay, one is very tight. Separate hard lumps like nuts, difficult to pass. And then type two, sausage shape, but lumpy. This is just for science, okay? Yeah, this is for science.

Type three, like a sausage, but with cracks on its surface. This is from Wikipedia. Imagine training the AI. Yeah. Someone have to go through and manually classify. Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah. And presumably in developing country, that's what they do.

Yeah. They get impoverished people to do it. So type 4 is average. That's what you want. Yeah, you want a 4. Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft. Type 5 is soft blobs with clear cut edges. This is such a classy episode.

Type 6 is fluffy pieces with ragged edges. It's mushy. It's doury. And type 7, entirely liquid. Right. So you want type 3 and 4. You don't want that. You don't want that.

Yeah. It's very good. And look, and then it gives you little health tips based on, you know, your personal experience. So, you know, they've got an example of a health tip here because they've rated this person 87, presumably out of 100 or something. Health tip, you're in a solid place. That means you can get a fail grade?

Keep it up by adding more prebiotic foods like oats, bananas or leaks to support your gut flora. That's brilliant. I don't want to be a naysayer and a skeptic. This is great. We know that gut health's important, right? People say that, you know, the gut is, like a second brain.

There's a huge connection with sort of mental well-being. I don't want to, in any way, challenge that or I'm sure we say shit on that. But Charles, don't you think that we don't necessarily need a camera to work out whether our poos are hard or very loose? You just know. And we have both, A, yes, the experience of having passed the poo, fresh in our memory, and B, eyes. And in some cases, C, knows.

It's not a mystery what's just happened in the toilet So you're saying that they've invented a technology that doesn't really need to exist at all Not at all Well it's interesting you should ask that Because there's a whole section on their website called Why Throne Other than the obvious reason

Which is for the pun tooth And I can answer Tell you Which is that you get to know your body inside and out Throne is the first device Really designed to continuously monitor your body's waste, offering clear actionable data that empowers you, Dom, empowers you.

Oh my goodness, if it's going to empower me. To make informed decisions. That's why it's a throne. It's like I'm sitting on the throne. Yes. In control of everything. All without the hassle, the hassle. Oh my goodness.

So much hassle. Of traditional tests. Okay. All right. Yeah. Welcome. to the future. So I feel like I've answered your question.

Is anyone? And also it's AI. It's AI. And it's privacy by design. I'm I the only one who's slightly concerned about the notion of everyone's booing habits. Like a camera. Because it'll be hacked,

why not? Like that's definitely going to go on the dark web, isn't it? Yeah, but maybe on the bright side. It'll make the dark web even browner. Even on the bright side, child. What an amazing opportunity to all. automate, you could set up a feed for fetishists and just, you have like an only fan. That's what it is, isn't it?

Yeah. And look, and their slogan is health insights you won't find anywhere else. And I feel like that what they've done is they've approached capitalism, right? And they've gone, what is something that nobody else is doing? Let's enter a space that is, yeah, that nobody else is inhabiting. and they've found something that no one else is doing. That's true. Yeah, because...

Because... You might have a camera that tracks poos. It gets an immediate... No. Charles, you know what the next phase of this is? Oh, no. Oh, but I've got terrible news for you, Doc. Oh, no.

Which is that it's not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent any medical condition or disease. So it's just for fun. It's just for fun. I was just going to say, Charles, the next... You mentioned Duolingo. That's in very small rising. And I was talking about poo-I lingo.

But Charles, terrible puns aside, the next phase of any health app is to try and make a point of difference, you know what it is, gamification. Yes. And social, you need a social network. You need to be able to share your poo with your other, and your poo score, your Bristol score with other members of your household. Absolutely have a competition. And you have a little feed. You'd have a little feed of. Oh, wonderful little feed.

Yeah. And I'm just imagining, like, you could feed into like a video game. You could call it log up. where you're just trying to just jump. Log log logger. Yeah, yeah. It could be really fun. So look, I think this is very exciting.

I just love that any niche, no matter how gross, the internet manages to find a way. So, I mean, I guess what we'd say, Charles... I think this is a bit like, you know how during the dot-com boom when there was a bubble and... Yeah, you can get money for any idea. Toys.com, pets, dot com, like everything became dot com,

even though there was nothing. Is poo camera dot com available? Let me have a quick look while you finish your point. That might be a better sales pitch than Throne Science. At least you, because I think throne, because it's Throne Science. It does sound grand, doesn't it? Yeah, it sounds. And also, if you're a poo fetishist, you're not going to Throne.

What is that? You want poo, poo camera.com is more you. If I can circle back to my original point. More your way, Charles. If I can circle back. Yeah. I still think there's a genuine problem of the association with the royal family. I think there's enormous, like, no, I think there's.

A poo camera is obviously a bit gross. But my first thought when you say thrown is the Royal Family, that's very damaging. I've got very good news. PooCammer.com is available. It's available. As is.org. I think we should reserve it. And also poo.com.

Well, you don't want dot camera because that means you can't make money out of it. You want to... Yeah, poo.com. So we can either get poocamer.com for $1899. Yeah. Pooh. Dot camera for $60.99. Or poo camera.

Online is on sale for $2. What about poo camera dot social? I think that's what we want. We want to be the Facebook of poo cameras. Pooh camera dot photos. Dot social. Oh, poo camera dot eco is available. Poo camera dot social, let me see.

Poo camera dot photos. Oh my goodness. Yes. Poo camera dot Esquire. So I do have some bad news, Dom. Okay. Which is, it's not available yet. Oh, I see.

It's only available for pre-order. But how much would you expect to pay for something like that? You know, bearing in mind, Dom, that the easiest way to track your hydration, gut health and urinary function is to effortlessly integrate thrown into your daily routine, providing real-time insights that help you take control of your well-being. It does sound very good. I would pay $199.99.95.

Well, it's $399.99. US, yeah. So about sort of $5.50. But what price the Bristol Pills? But also, you've got to remember it's got a monthly subscription. No. Yes.

But that's only $5.99 a month. But I've worked out how, I've worked out how to fund it, though. I've worked out how to make a profit out of buying this. So you could either have, Apple TV or subscription to your poo. Some of drawn an analogy. Let me just say that the website,

poo camera dot stream, is available. I'm going to monetise this to shit, literally. Okay, well, I wonder... Prince Andrew would pay for a subscription. Yeah, I think so. Okay, well, we're part of the Ocona Class Network. Yeah, sorry, sorry about this episode. Then again, nice have you listening, Your Highness.

Yeah.