The Chaser Report - Porter departs | Zoe Norton Lodge

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

Christian Porter drops his case against the ABC. Zoe Norton Lodge cancels pretty much every childrens’s book author. Craig Reucassel discusses strategies for dealing with Mark Humphries, and a ton of other stuff. Oh, plus Rebecca De Unamuno delivers the news that nobody else dares tell. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 1st of June. Charles, you're still here. I thought you were going to go off and run the East Wales Labor Party. I'm on the hustings, Dom. This is just one of my first media appearances of the day. I'll be making an even more boring statement later on about New South Wales politics. Can I just remind you, Charles, at the point of the top of the show

is to encourage people to listen by dangling, enticing pieces of content in front of them. Oh, it's all right. It's not in this show. Oh, goodness. I'm going to try and get on Ben Fordham, take his ratings instead. Now, on today's show,

Charles, amazing news from the ABC defamation trial. Yes, we're having a whole discussion about that and the legal intricacies of that coming up very shortly. Again, the point is to entice people. Yeah, it's all right. We actually are going to try an attempt, information live on air. Okay, that sounds better.

And we're also talking Pokemon cards. Again, I'm not quite sure why listeners should stick around. We do have Craig. Oh, yeah, there you go. But he's only picking your brain to try and destroy Mark Humphreys on his new show. It's not actually of general interest. Okay, great. Zion Otton Lodge is going to join us.

Tell us about why your favourite children's author is actually really dodgy and probably cancelled, which I think is more likely to be heartbreaking than funny, but we'll see. And also, we've got the end of the show. That's going to be really exciting. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Daynamino in the Chaser International Global Newsroom. The Prime Minister has refused to extend the JobKeeper scheme for Victorians struggling during the latest lockdown. However, Mr Morrison defended the move, pointing out he is willing to give JobKeeper to Jerry Harvey. Boris Johnson has married his partner in a secret private ceremony.

The ceremony had to remain private because of the bride's fear. that people would find out she was marrying Boris Johnson. Following fears of a new COVID outbreak, the Biden administration has changed tack on how to encourage people to not congregating groups. The administration will now encourage mass shootings, as it is the most time-tested way to encourage social distancing in America.

That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca de Unamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is angrily brought to you by lockdowns. What you get when your Prime Minister was too busy drinking beer at the footy to bother buying enough vaccines to go around. Don, the big news this morning is that yesterday afternoon, Christian Porter dropped his defamation case against the ABC

and reporter Louise Milligan. That is a fascinating result that I'm not sure I'm allowed to discuss in much detail. Well, the thing that I can broadly say about defamation laws in Australia is that they suck. They suck ass because defamation laws are really easy. It's really easy to sue someone for defamation in this country and it's tilted in favour of the people who are being, you know, supposedly defamed, right? Well, Christian Porter was in favour of defamation law reform

and then said that in recent weeks, being inside the process, he's changed his view, which I'm just going to say is a really reasonable position to have. No, so I've been learning a bit about defamation law and so the one thing that you get really quickly into trouble in is if you actually say things about somebody that sound as though they're factual, right? Right. So you can't, and there's nothing to do with the Christian Porter case, but you can't say that, you know, that guy kicks dogs for laughs or something like that.

Like, because that's something that seems like it's a fact and, you know, if it turns out to be untrue, then that is defamation, right? I mean, Charles, I'm curious that the notion of dogs came to your mind in that random example, but let's move on. But the one thing that I was surprised as a non-lawyer to discover is absolutely fine, is that you're allowed to abuse people, right? So as long as you don't stick to facts and just have a sort of honestly held opinion about someone, like, you know, Christian Port is a dickhead, then that's totally fine. You're allowed to say that because that's just abuse. That's not defamation.

It's just me saying he's a fucking shit ed. But if I said, say, and I'm not saying this, if I said he was a smelly dick, Oh, it would be a factual claim. Yeah, that would be a bit of a factual claim. You run into troubles, definitely not saying that. Yeah. See what I'm saying? I did study law and I can say, give my honestly held opinion that you're completely wrong

and that we're definitely going to get sued, you fucking idiot. Oh, really? Well, the one thing that I do definitely know that you can't say is that Christian border definitely... And that he really should be nowhere... And he should definitely be immediately... He should probably... I was never here.

Well, Charles, I don't know with that. That was honestly held opinion or abuse, or just, you may as well just go and pay because you should put a money right now. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. Our very good friend Zoe Notton Lodge is here, and as well as many other things, Zoe is an acclaimed children's author, aren't you, Zoe? You're delightful books that warm the hearts of all. Well, I mean, it's interesting because I actually, you know, you would have seen recently

the passing of a truly acclaimed children's book author Eric Carl. Yeah, he wrote The Very Hungry Catabillars, isn't he? Yes, he turned into a beautiful butterfly and flew off into the next dimension. That's right. Now, are you aware of any controversy surrounding that book? No. No, I read it to my daughter quite frequently. But we know now that every single person we ever love and think is special has done something

wrong. What is it? What is it? Well, you'll all be familiar. I'm spoiler alert. people haven't read the 100-hungry caterpillar. But it does end with the caterpillar bursting out of a cocoon and becoming a butterfly. Yes.

People in the science community have been furious about this for decades and decades because butterflies do not emerge from cocoons. What, God? Are you serious? They come from a chrysalis. What's a chrysalis? Well, I mean, I... It's a sort of a cocoon-like structure, by any chance? I mean, yeah, look, I think it's in the zone.

but you know it's definitely it's definitely cocoon adjacent it's kind of like spiders web yeah no it's not a cocoon though Eric Carl you monster yeah and so this has been really this is confounded people it's made them really angry I don't know and I mean you can't really change it any because cocoon is such a beautiful word and chrysalis it doesn't quite have the same ring to it as far as it as it goes though when it comes to children's authors that that is almost the least controversial thing any children's book authors ever done as far as I can tell because it is an absolute like mine of controversy, the children's book world. Did you know this?

What? Who else? I'm going to tell you an author. I want you to guess what they did. Okay. Norman Lindsay. Oh, he would have been a sex piece. I watched that movie.

Yeah, he had El McPherson up there in the mountains and they all got nude. Yeah. Are we just making a really libelous segment by making you guess controversies? No, there's a movie called Sirens that actually... Can you libel somebody just did? No, you can't. Go for it. Oh, well, look, I'm not too sure about that.

But I do know that he has been accused of drawing some racist illustrations. for the bulletin. But it's not quite as bad as Roel Dahl, who was a self-proclaimed anti-Semite. Has anyone told Tim Minchin? Yeah, I'm ruining, I'm attempting to ruin everyone's childhood. Okay, another one. What about A.A. Milne?

Oh, come on. No. No, you can't, Zoe. Is nothing sacred? E. E.O. Well, he was a cheater. Books were too boring.

He called his son Christopher Robin, which is a crime against humanity. So what did he do? Well, he was a big cheater. and apparently he didn't like children and including it seems his own son who he was totally estranged from sent them to boarding school really young was completely estranged from when he died

Well that's probably why he wrote all those boring books to subject children because he hated children That totally makes sense I guess so Well yeah you've really uncovered something there One last one for you There's a controversy in Wes Wally Do you know what it is?

Is it that everyone in it is white? Aren't they all red and white? No wait That's just one person But there is one person, and I believe this person is white, and their depiction is controversial. Did they put in a son of bin Laden or something? Set of tits. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Where's tits? I'm sure most people were looking for that rather than Wally on that particular page. How did that, like, get through the publisher? Like, how did it possibly? They wouldn't have looked. You can't possibly look at every single thing in those pictures. Have you tried to find stuff in West Wally? It's quite difficult.

That's the whole point. By the way, if you're listening, don't do what I've just done, which is Google wears well-it-tits. This episode is brought to you by lockdowns, as endorsed by the Beer, Booze and Heavy Liquor Cellars Association of Australia. I mean, what else you're going to do? Hide your single-use plastics. Because Craig's here. So guys, I need your help. we're recording the first pilot of our new show

Win the Week, right? And it's a kind of news quiz show and it pairs celebrities with members of the public and that kind of thing, right? Well, do you need some more members of the public? You want them to come in. That's right.

Don, why you're here. Yeah, Dom, unfortunately you're not famous enough to be a member of the public. But I need you help because Mark Humphreys is one of the panelists next week. Charles, you kind of created him from the roast days, that kind of thing. And you guys know,

very well, worked him for a long time. So I need to know his weaknesses so that I can defeat him. Yeah, well, this is the problem with Mark, isn't it? Yeah. Like, you see him on screen and you think, what an amazing performer, he's very friendly and everything like that, he must be a nightmare off screen. And he's not. He's not.

He's not. He's not really, my only criticism of him is I occasionally attack him. I'll text him going, you're sending out too many nice tweets. Yes. You know, constantly being nice to people on Twitter. You're ruining Twitter, Mark. You're bringing it down. Is there a way you could use his niceness against him?

I might, maybe, because the whole premise of the show is you kind of, it involves betrayal. Oh, yeah. So the way it works is that the Mark will be paired with the team captain who's from the public. Yes. And if he's not going very well, like if Mark's not doing well, then that member of the public gets to betray Mark and get rid of him and I could switch him. And I think that would really hurt Mark at his core.

But isn't the problem that Mark is also incredibly intelligent, and one, and one, mastermind. Yes, this is the problem. He'll somehow double cross you. He'll double cross me by knowing the answers to the questions, which means that they're not going to betray him. But, hey, aren't you the executive producer? Can't you put in questions you know the answer to?

This is the stupid thing is that, like, I've literally created so I don't have any access to the questions. There is literally a wall down the office, and I have no access to the writers or anything that they do. And also, you don't have a very good memory, do you? That's another problem, is my own flaws compared with Mark's talents. Yes. This is, I'm going to have to, it is a problem.

But I think we're on to something with using his niceness against him because why don't you go up, this is what I would do. Shortly before the show, go up to him and have some terrible story of woe, like, oh my God, I, you know, I think I might be dying or something like that. I've got some fatal disease. This is my one chance to. win this show. Yeah.

And then he'll throw the show. It'll be nice to you. I just don't think you should take Charles as a fight because if Charles knew how to be Mark Humphreys, he would be Mark Humphrey. Mark's only possible weakness is his gigantic height. Like I could maybe, but maybe I could use the fact that I'm being the show to kind of go, look, the studio is very hot today. We should put some fans in and we can cut his head off with him.

It's really his height is his only weakness. But the other weakness he has, though, is he is a bit of a gourmand. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yes, he loves going to nice restaurants and eating very fine food. Oh, you could just hide some truffle in the corner of the studio. I can help you out with this. Why don't, because I'm also good at drinking. So why don't I take him out?

What time's the record? Oh, the record is 7 o'clock, Tuesday the first. So what I'll do is... Tickets available, by the way, if you want to come and watch. How do you get the tickets? Follow Alex Lee on Twitter as with getting the COVID vaccine. That's right. When the weak audiences, you can Google it.

It'll be on my Twitter feed. And we'll retweet it on our Twitter feed. Yeah, yeah. Put it up on our website. So what I'll do is I'll take him out. I'll say to him, oh, let's go out for a long lunch. Yes. We'll have a long, long, long, long, long lunch.

He rocks up or sort of waddles up at about 5 p.m. That's great. If you can deliver Mark Humphreys to the studio, absolutely trashed. And then make sure. that there's no water available. By 7B. He's incredibly dehydrated. But hang on, isn't this just a recipe for Charles Watery

he got to the set? We'd record and going, I bade you, Humphreys. Yeah, God, that would be the worst result. No, it's good. Okay, well, we'll come along and see whether I can defeat Mark Humphreys. And actually, Nina Yama is the other contestant as well.

Who has also come through the Chaser Podcast, but I figure she'll turn up drunk anyway. Hey, how come we haven't been? Like, you've invited everyone else who's ever been on It looked, duh, they wanted some young people maybe, I don't know. I'm just looking around this room. Yeah, they already had the past it white man on the panel. Craig's gone.

Craig has left the podcast. If you listen to The Chase's Report in 2021, you'll know that we have a wonderful team of interns to do all kinds of menial tasks for us. Alexa is one of these fantastic people. Hey, Alexa. Hi there. So what have you been working on? Well, I've been spending a lot of time on the internet.

I know this is a bit of a different internet than you guys are used to. this is kind of like no grown-ups allowed kind of internet. I am. Now, so there's this famous YouTuber called Logan Paul. Last year, he put up this video for two and a half hours. He was live streaming. There were 11 million people viewing, and one hour in, this happened. Cars left.

Oh! We got Charzard! We got our first Charzard of the day. Oh, my God! You got Charzard? I'll see you already know all about this. I've got a bloody 10-year-old and a 12-year-old son. I know what Charzard is.

There you go. So apparently it's a big deal. Do you guys know why 11 million people were watching this? Well, this is, are they opening packets of Pokemon cards? Yeah, perfect. Is that what's going on? That's exactly what's happening. And so, and is Charazard, Charazard is like the evolution of Charmilian?

Is that right? You know a lot more about this than I do. I've come out. Grossly unprepared. Is it like a shiny Charazade? Why is it so exciting? Well, I mean, I think certain cards are printed less than others. They're rarer for certain reasons.

but the reason it's so exciting now is that since COVID started, Pokemon cards for some reason of increase in value by 500 times. Really? Yeah. So they're the Bitcoin of silly trading cards. We've got a shit ton of Pokemon cards at home. Oh, you got them at home. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you should cash in. I mean, I think we could also start selling maybe chaser cards. The thing about the chaser, though, is that you did not have to get them all. No, but my nephew as well, my nephew is massively into Pokemon cards and actually made videos for YouTube of himself unwrapping packs of cards. So he started this whole thing. Yeah, well, he's certainly part of it. He wanted like 10 decks of Pokemon cards and he opens them on like YouTube and he goes,

that's a good one. Oh, that's a great one. And apparently that's content in 2021. Oh, it's huge. It's huge right now. But like even last week, I mean, Target banned the sale of Pokemon cards due to violence. People were beating each other up, you know, pulling guns on each other in the store. But Pokemon cards.

Yeah, it's getting really serious. I don't know. Your nephew isn't doing that. As far as I know, maybe he's the gang lord now. I mean, it's a slippery. slope with these cards. Well, I'll show you guys an example, right? This year is called a Pikachu Illustrator card. It's a little piece of cardboard, yellow border. It's all written in Japanese. Can you guys guess how much this card costs? Like I'm imagining more than a Tesla?

No, it'll be like 500 bucks, I reckon. It's like, it's basically a yellow card with some writing on it. Some writing on it. Yeah. Well, this card is worth 3,873,000, $216.71. That's like 30 Tesla's, Charles. be rich. This is better than Sydney real estate. You've got one of these. Well, no, I don't have that one, but I've got the ones that look similar to that. Well, there you go.

I mean, you don't even have to work here anymore. This is a perfect situation. Okay, well, so Alexa, I want you to stop writing good comedy and making funny videos. Way ahead of you. And from now on, I think you should just start trading Pokemon cards for The Chaser, and that's how we can make our money from now on. Do we have like an initial investment, like something I can go out to buy a card with, or do I just have to steal them like I did in primary school? I think you know the answer to that, Lexa.

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Well, that is the end of the show. More news at chaser.com.com.com on the chaser Facebook page, TikTok, Twitter or Instagram. Our gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACAST creator network. See ya.