The Chaser Report - Pre-Gaming For Scott Morrison's Farewell Speech

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Charles and Dom make their incredible predictions about what will be in Scott Morrison's farewell speech. Stay tuned for tomorrow when they compare how well their predictions went! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. It's a very big day today in Australian politics. And it's a sad moment really for, well, all Australians, but particularly satirists. Scott Morrison is giving his farewell speech today. I never thought it would happen, Dom. I thought Scott Morrison would be the gift that kept on good.

Giving. I know. Don't cry, Charles. Don't cry. Particularly because it seemed as though he couldn't get another job. But PWC didn't want to hire him. I didn't think anyone was going to hire him. But his Orca's submarines came in at last and a lot faster than the actual submarines will come in, I think, as well. But is there ever going to be someone who's foolish in Australian politics ever again? Calm yourself, Charles. Will there ever be an arrogant narcissist? Calm yourself, my old friend. Bobby Joyce isn't going anywhere. He's just on leave.

Oh, thank God. He's just on leave because of the planter incident. Oh, yeah, right. Okay. So we still got Barnaby's... I honestly don't know where Barnaby would go. Oh, presumably to Gina Rinehart. At some point, that's going to happen. Well, presumably to hospital at some point. Well, I don't know. Have you cast aspersions of people's medical conditions? Have you seen his blood pressure? I think there's, I mean, he's acknowledged there's some work to be done. We could all think of some, some, uh, pars he could take. I just hope that the planter box is okay. Nobody in all of this has inquired about the mental well-being of the planterbox

having been fallen off, sat on and then fallen off. It's always the little people, Charles. Yes. And also, that planter box didn't ask for that publicity. They've been sort of put into the spotlight without any regard, no consent. No, all those photographs that were taken, a plaque was installed. How's the planter box going to live it down? Yes.

No, it's not. It's going to be forever the planter box. that tripped over Barnaby Joyce. Won't somebody think of the shrubs, Charles? Well, we are. All right, in today's episode, we'll preview a little bit of what Scott Morrison might say in his speech today. By the time you hear this, it will have been delivered, but we'll analyze it in tomorrow's episode. So we'll be making some bold predictions.

We'll make some predictions. We'll presumably be completely wrong. More after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at Fizz.C.A. So Scott Morrison's final appearance in Parliament today, and I like what he had to say.

Ahead of it, on the eve, he gave an interview to nine newspapers, to James Mazzola, and he said, do you know which Prime Minister he'd most like to emulate? As a role model for the XPM. Billy McMahon. That'd be my guess. Harold Holtz? I don't know. Look, isn't the most fun ex-prime minister to be Paul Keating, who yet again... Yeah, Paul Keating would be... Has just dropped bombs. Yeah, that's right.

Just give no fucks. There aren't many good role models. I don't know how I feel about Malcolm Turnbull doing Q&A again this week. Like, I know that he did that back when he wanted everyone to sort of rise up and make him Prime Minister. I don't think it's going to happen again just quietly. Yeah, no, I think you've got to go quietly into the night after you've been Prime Minister.

Well, that's what Scott Morrison is wanting to do. Interestingly, his role model, as an ex-PM, is Julia Gillard of all people. Mm-hmm. Right. He says it's widely respected the way that she conducted a self-post prime ministership, whatever view people have of the prime ministership itself. Yeah, so then that makes sense. So I'm assuming what will happen is Scott Morrison will now become the UN ambassador for women.

Yes, he'll be concerned with girls' education and go and make the world a better place. And become a sort of outspoken, you know, feminist, for global feminist development. Charles, he's already an outspoken feminist. Well, he was minister for women. He was minister for women, wasn't he? Oh, was that Abbott? That was Tony Abbott. I actually looked at it this week, and it's actually not true.

Just to be clear, it's always said Tony Abbott was minister for women. And I look this up, and he wasn't. He actually abolished the position of Minister for Women, like formally speaking. There was one, and then there wasn't. and he just said, I'll be a prime minister for women. Oh, that's right. He was the prime minister for women. He was promising to do something about it.

You won't need a ministry for women because you've got me. Right. So what will Scott Morrison do today? I think he will claim a heroic victory with God's help over COVID. Right. Yeah. Yes. Look, I think there'll be a lot of God in there.

Oh, God's in all that he does. I think he'll skirt around the pandemic a little bit, won't he? Like he'll sort of... Oh, yeah, and then there was a pandemic. There was a battle against COVID, and thanks to God, I was able to lead Australia confidently and successfully through it. Also, there were some vaccines. Anyway, maybe it's the vaccine thing he'll skip over.

But in terms of he's a couple of... He's going to talk about Orcas, isn't it? Because that's the one thing he's been able to cash in on to finally get a job. Yes. And the thing is, just this week, there's been reports out of the US that it is increasingly unlikely the orchestra will never happen. There was actually, if you listen to the amazingly good podcast Global Roaming with Geraldine Doog and Hamish McDonald's.

They had a whole thing on it where they were interviewing this American expert who went, the whole problem is, so I think the submarines are called Polaris, is that right? I'm not sure. Polaris submarines? Do you mean the ones we eventually getting or the ones we're getting in the end time? No, the ones that we're eventually getting, I think. So my understanding is that we get American ones in the meantime, but in the fullest of time, we get the British ones,

which I think were potentially the Polaris ones, yes. Yeah, right. No, so, no, no, I think the Polaris ones are the ones that, yeah, we will. The ones we're supposed to get in the long time. So we get the Virginia submarines. I'm just looking at this. We get the U.S. Virginia ones as soon as the early 2030s, as what the Royal Australian baby website says.

But then we'll get the British ones later. Yeah. So the Virginia ones, right, that's right. So there are currently, I think, 43 Virginia-class submarines in America operational, right? They need minimum 60. Like their Congress has gone, we need minimum 60. They've slowed down production on the Virginia, right? Of course. So the idea that they'll ever get to the point where it's now Australia's turn to have a Virginia submarine is just, it's not going to be 2030s.

It's not even going to be 2040s. Well, the Congress has already been, you're very negative about it, because for this reason. Yeah, yeah. But Charles... And the only way we'll get them before then is if there's a little clause in the contract, which is like, you don't really own this. Like, it'll be like, you can borrow this and you can train people up. But if ever we need it anywhere in the world, you've got to give it back.

But isn't that just being cynical here? Isn't that what you want? Isn't it not a bad thing? I mean, yes, okay. If America... What, you want to... Okay, Dom, I'll tell you what... America puts it...

No, but America has a submarine base on Australian soil. I'll sell you my car. I'll see you my car. Pay top dollar for it. But if ever I needed, I get to just get it back. But Charles, wouldn't a better deal for me, B, if you owned your car, you left it at my place indefinitely so that I could use it? And then we said that if...

And I didn't pay you any money. And then I said... You've got to pay me money. No, you've got to pay me... No, I'm not going to, because it's yours. You got to pay me... $368. billion dollars. You can have a base. You can have a base at my place. This is what I think

will happen. I'm going to call it now. We'll never pay them for the subs. They'll just base them out of Australia and everyone will be happy. No, no. We've already got the money. We'll be a garrison. We're already shoveling the money across. We'll just be a lovely outpost and a garrison and that's why they'll do. They're not going to defend us because they like Australia. But it's all about the money. They want the money without giving us the subs. That's what I'm saying. It's going to be the exact opposite of that. It's going to be Like, all that thing that you describe, like, there'll be a base here and it'll be basically run by the Americans. Yeah.

But in addition to that, we have to give the money for not owning anything. Charles, it's a protection racket. Of course we're going to pay for our protection. Yeah, okay, yeah. But Charles, isn't this, I mean, when he speaks about Orcas later today, isn't this going to be basically the ultimate scomo deal? Because you, you, I hadn't heard until now that it's likely that the suburbs will never arrive at all. But that's what makes it the classic scomone. It's a vast...

Yes, it's the vaccine. It's a massive... It's not a race expenditure as well. It's a car park. It's the most expensive car park ever produced. It's a lot of money. It's a big ambitious project with an uncertain timeline that will literally never happen. Yes.

It's a car park. And this is what he's going to do in post-political life is structure amazing deals that sound fantastic but never materialise. And I love the fact that during a literal arms race where the whole world is plowing money into building more arms. Europe has started to actually supercharge their rearmament. China, of course, is building a fast amount of arms. Iran's going crazy. Everyone is just building.

Australia, it's not a race. It's not a race. It's not a race. But we have a solution. What I love most of all is if you get to make up a scheme for the future that costs a crazy amount of billions of dollars, wouldn't you make something that sounds amazing? rather than a British submarine if we can choose

if we can choose all hypothetical technologies like yeah I want the one that Britain designs they're known for their amazing submarine engineering you'd choose the French submarine in that scenario anyway because at least it'd be stylish

I'd rather a Peugeot than a range roe absolutely no exactly and you get all like leather seats and it'd be all like special and some candelabras plus that the French are quite good at building infrastructure projects. I don't know if you've noticed

they're quite good at train lines and things like that. Hey, more on this in a moment. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. You know, though, Charles, if we were rethinking the deal, if we're going to pull out of Walkers, dismantle the major piece of Scott Morrison's legacy, and look for a country that could build us a high-tech submarine quickly, isn't the answer obvious? Shouldn't we get the submarines from China?

Oh, China would make us an amazing submarine, and they'd have it by next week. That's right, that's true. And they've got a bit of an economic slump. They need to sort of supercharge. It could be electric. B-Y-D could be. build us a submarine in no time. Build your dreams.

Well, build your destroyer. Build your destroyer. And, Charles, if we bought submarines from China, would China want to attack their own submarines in future? Would this be a win-win? Although, or they would, but they'd know all the weaknesses and they would have booby trap. They'd have a sort of remote deactivate.

Yeah. Like, I reckon you'd think that America probably does that as well, don't you? Have a remote control. Yeah, just take. have a little, I don't know. You know, there's a black box we're not allowed to touch, right, in these nuclear submarines. Like, the nuclear processing thing is so effective. Like, it lasts for decades off the one nuclear power source, but they could put anything

in that box. Yeah. It's like a... I want one for my car. I want a nuclear powered car that I never have to refuel. Wouldn't that be fantastic? Yeah. What have you crashed?

Like, what? Well, I wouldn't be alive. It wouldn't matter. There'd be some fallout. Neither would just some. There'd be no eyewitnesses. But also, given it, they've described it... It's a black box, Charles.

Don't black boxes survive anything through some sort of magic of technology? You know, we've avoided talking about Scott Morrison's time as... Okay, so... So, let's just get back on to Scott Morrison. So he'll talk about God. I reckon we're talking at least 30 or 40 mentions of the word God in his speech. Jen and the girls once tops. Orcus.

Do you reckon he'll mention Hawaii? What's your... betting on that? I reckon a thousand to one. Well, I hope he inadvertently mentions it by mentioning the ukulele, by just saying, I've got to spend some more time with my ukulele, which is the most ironic

instrument of him to play. Do you reckon Jenny will, and the girls, will be mentioned more or less than God? Which one will be for us? Jenny or God? Less, less than God. I think Jen and the girls will get at most one. I reckon Taylor Swift will get

more mentions than Jen and the Girls and Curry. There'll be a lot more mention. No, no, no. You obviously haven't seen Nemesis episode three. I haven't. He just, he talks about Jenny and the girls the whole time.

Even when he's responding to the point about how he shouldn't have mentioned Jenny and the girls in relation to the Britney Higgins scandal, he then sort of goes, well, I think that was a bit of a bad call and I think Jenny would agree. Oh. So Jen and the girls told him, Jen and the girls told him that they shouldn't, shouldn't have mentioned Jenny the girls. That's fantastic. Well, maybe it'll be better if rather than Scott Morrison giving his farewell speech today, Jen and the girls got up and did.

And they've clearly got better political antennae than Skomo, don't they? Yes, yes, I think that's right. We get Jenny and the girls up. They can talk about... Well, they can just talk about the story that's never been told, which is, what did they get up to in Hawaii? Like, was it an enjoyable trip? Nobody ever asked him that. It was all like anger, anger, anger, oh, you shouldn't have been there.

Was it worth it? Like, did they actually? I want to know if you're escaping your work-based responsibilities in Hawaii. What hotel do you go to? What's the best beach? I think he was at Waikiki Beach, wasn't he? How to have a guilt-free, you know, work, like holiday during, you know, an intense work period. I'd love to know that.

I think that's what I want to know, yes, is how to shirk your responsibility. responsibilities and that part I'm quite good at, but it's how to do it without crippling guilt and just front up the next day as though you've been doing a fabulous job all along and it was as though you didn't turn up. That's what I want to. It really is, it is worth watching Nemesis Episode 3. I know we've covered it in the podcast before, but just for the footage of people refusing to shake his hands when he came home. Oh yeah. That was pretty amazing. There's one clip that I'd never seen before of this guy who clearly, like Morrison's grabs his hands and then he just looks so fucking pissed off and he just stands up and just

exits the screen. And it's like, it's like, oh, man. Was that Malcolm Temple? I think, yeah, I think it was just the front bench. Just the front bench, yeah. Just before we, we stop predicting the Morrison exit speech, what about the multiple roles? Is he going to defend that or is he going to gloss over it? Oh, no, I think he won't even mention it.

Why would you mention it? Because he sort of, he speaks entirely in the passive voice. Oh, things happen to him. Yeah, he wasn't responsible. Yeah, it seems like, you know, there were regrets. The passive of the responsibility. I imagine what will happen is that he'll give a long speech. The speaker will gently remind him for Cook that it's time, it's time to stop.

And he'll override the speaker because it'll turn out he's actually also the speaker. He's actually the speaker, yes, that's right. He's been getting the speaker's salary all this time. Yeah, and actually, and then it'll turn out that he's also sworn himself in as the Prime Minister and the Governor General, and there'll be a coup this afternoon. Well, that would certainly be entertaining. I don't know, and I'll say this with respect and affection for the man. I'm not entirely sure how successfully Scott Morrison would organize a coup. I think it's the least likely.

Yeah, it'd be the car park of coups. Yeah, it'd be the... My fellow Australians, at some future point, I will seize power. We're working on the details, but it's going to. be big um just stay tuned um possibly in 20 the early 20 30s it's it's going to happen it's going to be delivered you know the one thing we won't be asking um charles uh once he finally leaves where the bloody hell are you no we will not we will definitely know the answer will be your way it always is our gear is from road we're part of the conocles network

well one more thing for everyone goes please leave us some apple podcast reviews we haven't had any for ages. Five stars, please, and then get stuck in as much as you like. Oh, and we got some suggestions by text about Chase a annual front cover. Oh, good. We'll go through them tomorrow as well. Sounds good. Thank you, Charles. See you then. Okay, see you. Bye. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.