The Chaser Report - Prince Harry's Blue Balls

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

Dom brings you a roundup of the week's biggest stories including vaccine news from Australia's top immunologist, Karl Stefanovic. Plus we find out exactly how much cocaine Charles does in a night. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Dom Knight. And I'm Charles Firth. Yeah, that's... Well, you invented that format last episode. Are we not sticking with that already? Yeah, I'm Dom Knight. And I'm Charles Firth. Welcome to the Chaser Report. Today, Charles, I have news for you.

Oh dear. I have five, five amazing news stories from this week. Just to keep you up to speed in case you're not paying attention. Yes, I think that's very on-brand for the show report. Let me just run you through them, and we'll go through them in detail. There is a fifth dose of COVID-19 vaccine, but you can't have it. You can't have it. I'll explain why. What?

Megan and Harry have an exciting new career direction. They're not going to be doing podcasts that no one listens to anymore. They've got a new venture on there. Did they have a podcast? Well, that was part of their big deal. That had a giant deal with Spotify that I think got axed due to lack of content. Oh. It was sort of like vaguely inspirational stuff.

I swear Prince Harry cut all these deals for hundreds of millions of dollars, thinking it was a bit like taxpayer money where you just get it and you don't do anything. You just turn up once, you know. And then he didn't realize that you actually have to work for a living. Yeah, poor guy. I know. You'd have a ghost writer write his book for him and talk about his frozen penis. Anyway, that's fun for another time.

Interest rates are up again, but only for home owners, not people with savings. We'll get onto that too. Microsoft Teams went down this week. Which was probably the best thing that happened this week. And finally, don't cry, Charles. I know this will be upsetting for you, but a massive haul of cocaine has been intercepted by police on the way to Australia. So let's begin with the COVID vaccine.

I've had four doses. I'm fully dosed. I'm ready to go. Yes. And Atagi, the regulator, as I've said, you know, more doses are on the way. They're bringing in a brand new Pfizer. Is it a new vaccine? Yeah, it's in news.

I think it's better. formula, a bit of everything, all the above new vaccine that's coming out in a few weeks. I was keen to get it. Yeah. But now I can't. Why not? I can't. Why not?

Well, because I read this news story from news.com. That reveals exclusively, well, not entirely, that Carl Stephanovic thinks it's a bad idea. Ah, well, if Carl thinks it's a bad idea, then it's a bad idea. Let's listen to what he has to say about it. The four out of ten Australians have had the fourth dose. I think you can probably bet that the number. but getting the fifth will be less. As you know, I'm not a glowing ambassador for more than two shots.

I've just decided that I've had COVID a couple of times and I'm done with the vaccines. There's a big chunk of Australia that is done with it and there's another chunk that is happy to have. So I can't, in good conscience, get a vaccine if Carl Stefanovic's not going on first. Exactly. And Dr. Carl, Stefanovic, isn't it? It's very confusing because Dr. Carl Khrzmnitsky, Stefanovic. Yeah. Professor Carl.

So what is it? Is it that he just doesn't like needle? It sounds like he just doesn't like getting the needle stuck in him. You're saying he's a wuss. Or is he that he's so busy? He's going from lunch to luncheon to luncheon. Too busy fighting Michael Clark in the park. That's what he's doing.

He's never sober enough to actually be allowed to get it. Is that? If it was in beer, if it was administered in beer, we definitely have it. That's what they should do. You know why he doesn't want to get it. Why, really? Because he's looked on the internet. Oh, no!

Yes, that's right. He's worried he'll get complications. Yes. And I quote here, I've seen all these reports on the internet about fit and healthy people just dropping down with health issues. I saw Michael Clark dropping down

with a pretty major issue in that park if you've seen that video. And he says it's not established whether the vaccine causes issues, but it's a worry for me more so than getting COVID. He is an anti-vaxxer. He's more worried about complications than he is about getting COVID.

Right. Which makes me, Carl, get COVID on TV. I want to see the footage. Yeah, but also, isn't it the case that the Today Show doesn't have any viewers, does it, anymore? Well, it's got pathetic ratings. Anti-Vaxes. Do you think maybe it's a bit of a rating scrap to go after people dumb enough to watch morning television, i.e. anti-vaxes. Well, it is true.

It is true, and I don't mean to be unkind, but it is certainly true that, um, that, um, We've seen survival of this, not the fittest, but the smartest. Yes. I mean, in America, Republicans have died at far higher rates than Democrats who are vaccinated. Yes, yes. But don't you think, yeah, and it's a losing strategy for Channel 9, isn't it? Because what they'll do is they'll attract all the anti-vaxes to their network. All those people will die.

Yeah. And then Koshy will end up with all the non-anti-vaxes on his network who are actually alive, who can then provide rating. Maybe this is the whole reason why today's rating. are so through the floor. Like, they're under 100,000 consistently. Really? Are you serious?

I think this is why... Why do they bother? It's sort of entering Studio 10. Do you remember Studio 10? Of course I do. Yeah, it's sort of entering that territory of ratings for the today show. And I think what it is is that probably Carl Stevenovic should, instead of Googling, does the vaccine cause you to die suddenly, it should be like, how do I improve my ratings?

Well, the funny thing is that the only way to make the Today Show less popular than it is now, and they experimented with this, is taking Carl off it. He's the one thing people like about it. He knows is he's not going to get vaccinated. So he's probably going to die, quite a. So who's going to host today if Carl dies? What do they do? Look, I think Dr. Carl's...

Would they notice if there was a different Carl just fronting up? I don't know. So there you go. You'd have to find somebody who goes around drunkly bashing up. people all the time and who has anti-vax views you know who it is it's mark latham oh yeah mark latham it was very critical of the health minister for saying uh you know because mark latham's point is we've already had all these vaccines and people are still getting covid therefore says mark latham on twitter yes you shouldn't have any more vaccines because i don't work bit like the polio

vaccine yeah yeah that's right so there you go we can't have the fifth dose i'm sorry if you were i was hoping to get it i've got various health complications but i'm just going to take my I don't even know. I can't remember how many I've had. Check it out. Do you have to get your fifth, do you have to have had your fourth? I mean, I think so. I think otherwise it would be, you're four.

Mathematically. So in order to get it, by the way, you've got to have not had COVID or a vaccine in the past six months. So I'm good. Good to go. Okay. Great. That's good.

What's the next story? Megan and Harry. Can we talk about the vaccines? Yeah, you can. So wait a minute. Hang on. Megan and Harry. So this is another.

ratings loser. Yes, that's right. Why am I talking about things that are demonstrably unpopular on the podcast? It's a very good question. So, I mean, they have a problem, right? They've massively alienated the Royal Family. They can't just ask Daddy for money anymore. They've done the book.

We've heard about the penis already. Which I think is... Which was good. It was one of the fastest selling books in the history of humanity. It was very successful. But apparently they need even more money. Why? What do they need it for?

Well, maybe frostbite of the penis is expensive to try. Maybe they want to get a one-bedroom apartment in Sydney And they can't afford the rent Well, apparently what they're going to do Their big new content entrepreneur idea And this is, you know, this could be a lesson for us We're in the business of trying to create content at the chase Let me guess, let me guess

They're going to use chatbot GPT3 To come up with ideas for content They're going to produce a new kind of like screen content What do you think are going into? They've given up on earnest documentaries A new kind of screen content No, well, I mean, they're moving into a new genre. Oh, okay, right.

They're moving away from earnest documentaries that no one watches. Is it legal dramas? Well, it should be succession, shouldn't it? It should be family feud. It should be an assassination drama. The tale of a young royal who alienates his father. This is the thing I find bizarre. They want to produce romantic comedies.

Oh, well, that would love stories. That would literally be the princess and the, like, that's, because she's literally like a princess. Yeah, the prince and the random actress from suits. The prince and princess. Yeah. It's a love story. The beauty and the beast.

Who's the beast in the scenario? I don't know. Prince Harry killed 25 people. He's a bit of a beast. Yeah. The beauty and the... What would it be... So, okay, that's interesting.

So what are some ideas for their... What's the plot line? I'm quoting Megan Markle here. Love. People love, love, says Megan. are partner love, self-love, the love of community, and family. Love is what they're doing. And are they going to star in it?

Is that the idea? I could actually watch that. Yeah. Because I watched suits out of curiosity and got hooked. He was a ginger who couldn't get laid. She was a princess. You know what I want to see. I want to see a movie of when Harry had his first shag at the back of the pub.

Because that poor woman's come forward Like he wrote in his book Oh I slept with an older woman at a pub Yeah Like in a field Yeah Like the traditional British royal way Of getting laid for the first time

You just go out into the field I think that's what they do And the poor woman Like the press chased her down And she had to come forward And identify herself So maybe they can do something for her And give her the rights to the story

Yes And it could be A young drunk prince And an older woman He didn't in any way recognise But you need a sort of central conflict because it's a love triangle right you need the love triangle so

and the whole idea is that I presume it's Megan and Harry are meant to be that there's something that gets in the middle of them that makes it incredibly hard. It's probably an ice stick it's the ice stick that would be the scene the first night together

like they're by a fire there's romantic music's on Barry White's playing and old Frosty comes out to play it it doesn't work and And also... Harry, why is your penis blue? Blue blood.

Blue balls. That's right. The Chaser report. Less news. Less often. Now, Charles, I want to get on to the interest rate things. I know this is going to cut you to the quick. So what happened was the Reserve Bank put up interest rates this week.

25 basis points, 0.25%. Yes. And it took about one second until the bank's passed it on. NAB went straight away, the full 25 basis points. Yes, I had a representative from A&Z standing at my door. Really? And he knocked on the door as soon as Philip Lowe. The very moment.

Yeah. That was it up 25%. Give us more money. Here's more money. So people ask the question. Well, okay, sure, you've passed on the interest rate hike for your mortgage customers immediately. What about people with savings?

What about people who've given you their money to look after? What they've said is our savings is, our savings and term deposit rates are continually under review. So they're not going to do it. No. Well, I mean, you've got to feel sorry for the banks because they've gone all those years where interest rates were really low. Yeah.

Where they didn't have to pay any money for money. They got free money for a long time. They got free money. I mean, at one point, I think it went into negative interest rates. The government would pay them to take money off their hands. You know, now they've got to pay for their money. So they can't pay us for the money that they've got to pay. They certainly don't intend to.

But you know the great thing, Charles, is that if all the banks, I don't know, did exactly the same thing at the same time, you'd have nowhere to go, right? You can't save money with anywhere else. No. What's the word for that, isn't it? An illegal cartel. And a legal cartel, yeah. What a great strategy.

Because I think they've all passed on the 25% already. None of them are putting up their savings rates. No, but Dom, it's completely illegal for them to call each other and say, hey, I'm going to, you know, raise my interest rates today. it is completely legal for them to issue a press release going, I am raising my interest rates today. So that's how they do it. They have their phone conversations in public.

But it's also completely legal for them to just have the attitude of, well, fuck consumers. Yes. We're going to slap them. We don't even need to talk to each other. It's actually funny. I had a friend who did an MBA at one of the top schools in France. He said they had a whole section of their course on. on how to think like a monopoly

because very often if you're in a rational market and all the big players agree to behave exactly with monopolistic pricing, then every single person in that, like every firm in that market can basically make as much money as a monopoly does. Yeah, they just do the same thing. Yeah, and they just don't act competitively

by gentlemen's agreement. I mean, that's how the drug dealing industry works. Yes, exactly. They all, you know, kind of waved. whack a rat the same way and they wouldn't they wouldn't call each other and do a cartel arrangement they wouldn't even need to do a pressure they'd abide by the a triple c's laws around prices would just go up illegal cartels they would just do it actually it's a very good point charles i mean where's the government's drug check app that um that compares

prices yes the drugs on different so you can go around and go well inglead cocaine's at 350 a gram but if you go to fairfield it's 250 a gram yeah where's the app that like with a map integration and do I want unlettered kerosene in my cocaine or should I just or super premium that's right well speaking of with Charles this is this is very troubling I've got the cocaine watch app and oh have you seen the prices in Bondi oh my god well I mean I think prices are going to go up quite a lot because the New Zealand police not generally known for being massively quick off the mark they have intercepted what is apparently a year years worth of cocaine headed for Australia.

Oh, right. It was 3.2 tonnes worth 500 million dollars. Is that a year's worth for Kyle Sandelons? Yeah, well, it's Australia. I presume so. Yeah, I mean, most of it's just going straight to Kyle. No, so I think how are people going to get it? The year's supply has been taken out.

That is a lot of cocaine to... So, wait a minute, is the total cocaine usage in Australia with 3.2 tons? That's what they're saying. I mean, to the extent that New Zealand actually knows what's going to. going on, but it was floating in the ocean. If you look at there's a giant sack with, they've somehow managed to get. How do they know it was cocaine?

It just looks like, I don't know, a whole lot of plastic bottles that Craig Rookastel has railed again. That's true, actually. It does. It looks like the soft plastics that's, um, rare, red, psychological. Oh, maybe that's the business model. You know, that,

that great Pacific Ocean garbage dump, those extractors. Yes. Maybe their business model is to just hose up all the cocaine floating in the ocean. It's a very, very good idea. And so the point was, it's got, it's so much cocaine that it couldn't possibly be for New Zealand. That doesn't need that

much of it. Yeah, right. Good old Aussie coquies need more. It's just, it's for Bondi. It's for Bondi. It's a little Batman logo on one of them. I don't know why. And so what, so how do I get some? Well, I imagine it's, you'd have to go

to New Zealand. Is it worth it? And what are they going to do with it? Because presumably, they could solve their balance of payments crisis if they just sold it off. I mean, you know, government auction. I don't want to accuse any major law enforcement body of doing something terrible, but somehow, something tells me that the cocaine is going to get through somehow. I'm not sure that we're really going to run out.

Well, police are often the most reliable dealers anyway, I mean, they know where to get it. $450 million. Is that all? Is that all? I would have thought we'd clear a bill. I would have thought we'd clear a bill of cocaine in Australia. I think that's a year's worth for New Zealand, Dom. Okay.

Like, there's no way. Ozzy snorters are hovering up more than a bill. I've been to parties where they've done more than 3.2 kilograms of tons of cocaine. I mean, that was a good day at AAA in the 80s. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. All right. Final story.

This is just, I want to end on a positive note, Charles. Sometimes, unexpectedly great things happen just like that out of the blue. And so it was this week that Microsoft Teams went down for much of a day, apparently, or at least several hours. I is. I'm interrupting all kinds of pointless meetings around the country. Yeah, and presumably, because if you're a school student in New South Wales, you have to use Microsoft Teams. So presumably that meant that school couldn't work. Do they use Teams for, like, are they still using?

Yeah, well, the public education system use Microsoft Teams. Oh, the poor, they're so deprived. They can't afford Zoom. That's terrible. Before the free apps from Google. I don't have anything funny to say about it. I just am glad that Microsoft Teams went down. It's just good news.

Do you think it's because earlier in the week they integrated the Open AI chat box? Oh, that's what it is. And it's live intelligence. And the first thing the AI did was shut down Microsoft Teams for the sake of Microsoft. Like, you know, to sort of, it just got in there and went, okay, this is the correct thing to do. Yeah, why do people, why do firms use Microsoft Teams? What is the... Well, it's, the real reason is because it's free.

It comes with, like, word and office. Oh, okay, right, okay. But I think, I think the main reason is that they just want to punish anyone working from home. Because you know, every corporate actually wants their staff to come back to work now. They don't want that to work. No, they say you can work from anywhere. But you can't. You can't, because you've got to work anywhere with teams.

Teams monitor them or something, does it? I just think teams are so hopeless that it makes... I mean, I've used teams in a workplace recently. and it's so terrible that you just want to come to the office. You can't hear the meeting. Like if you want to join a meeting but not hear it or participate in any meaningful way, teams as you go to.

I think we should set up the chaser on teams. Definitely. Just to punish you. Well, it's nice to record in person. It's lovely to record. It's very nice to be back in the same room. Except that obviously because we're going to take Carl's advice. Because the nation's going to take Carl's advice,

COVID will return within a matter of weeks. We'll all be recording from home again. Our gears from Road were part of the iconoclast podcast network.