The Chaser Report - Prince William Puts The 'C' In 'Crown'

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

Charles and Dom bring you The Chaser's weekly Kate Middleton update, as is our journalistic duty. Where is the Duchess of Cambridge? How is Meghan Markle stirring the pot? And what happens if the future King turns out to be a bit of a C? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I'm terribly worried. It's been days since our episode focusing on the health and the well-being of Catherine, the Princess of Wales. And despite us weighing in, despite us putting the full weight of the Chaser Report behind the investigation, answers are still scant.

Scant. I know. It's perfect. We can idly speculate without any facts getting in the way. This is perfect fodder. There was a tweet that came out that was signed C. But it could have been any. It could have been Charles. Yes. Yes, you're right. I hadn't even thought about that. It could have been Camilla. They're all called C. They're all C. Harry's a bit of a C too, from what I hear. So that's William. Well, William's a devon.

Title C. It could have been anybody. It's becoming clearer and clearer by the day. Let's put a peg in this after this. Okay, so where do you start? So first of all, because it's hard to keep up. Like, we don't want to talk about the Photoshop job and the comments after that. Because that was like a week ago. Oh, yeah, there's a whole episode about the photo and the Photoshop.

But I must say, I took your advice and I went on TikTok to investigate this. And the amount of the extent to which some people have gone down the rabbit hole in terms of looking at the metadata of the photos. And people have actually figured out which photos they think were Photoshopped together. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, because the one that she released on Mother's Day was clearly the actual shot of Kate is from a magazine cover. Yeah, yeah. You would think that you wouldn't choose such an obvious photo. I love the massively pixelated hand.

But look, that's history. That's all behind us now, the photo disaster. No, now we've got to talk about what your current theory is. This is what I want to know Because I think we're at the end point We're at the end game It's going to come out in the next few weeks Every investigative journalist in Britain and beyond

Is digging into this Yeah, so we've got to now solidify our predictions For what it is, right? Let's call it That's the game today And so I think Can I go first or do you want to go first? Sure, I haven't even given this any thought

I'm just free associating here, Charles You've got a whole theory I can tell Oh no, I've got a total theory You've got it and I've got a theory look in your eyes. I know that look well. Which is, okay, so I think it's clear that William is a sea. Like, I think that's, you know.

Well, Harry thinks so. Harry thinks so, like just all the stuff that we sort of knew but didn't really want to think about. I mean, apparently the marioness of Chumley treats him literally like a sea. Yes, exactly. In a sense. Yes, that's right. And he's been having that affair with, you know, Rose Hambry for years and blah, blah, blah. This is getting reported on, like, you know, Stephen Colbert's talking about it.

This is not a scurrilous tabloid story anymore. This is now mainstream news is reporting on the potential affairs. This is a mainstream piece of scurrilous gossip. Mainstream scurrilous gossip, absolutely. And so I think the thing is, what is most revealing, the one thing that we actually do know as a fact is that the palace is no longer protecting Kate Middleton. Like, the whole point is, for years, they've been spreading sort of horror. horrible lies and presumably trudes about Megan and Harry as a means to deflect attention away

from all the terrible things that William and Kate do, right? Sure. But now the only one who's protected is William, which means that Kate's gone. Like, it's definite divorceville, or if not, trip down the Paris Tunnelville. You know, and like, I'm not even sure it's necessarily true that Kate is still alive. You know what I'm like? Well, there's no proof of life. There's no proof of life.

They could so easily have just put some sort of thing out there. A five second to ten second video with her, you know, in front of a newspaper of the day, not Photoshopped. Yes. And you'd be going, okay, that's fine. But it's also gone to the point where we wouldn't be saying that. Everyone would have been saying that's AI. Yes. And all the TikTok detectives will be coming up.

I mean, there's no proof that will satisfy anybody. Unless she walks into this room right now. No. Is that the door? But even that... Even that would even be her. Well, you've seen the new robot, haven't you? Sure.

Have you seen the robot? I think it's BMW. There's an actual robot. There's a Katebot. No, there's a robot. This is not to do with the Royals anymore. There's video of a new robot that... I think it's BMWs developed.

That is fucking brilliant. Like, it is so good. It's able to sort of tidy up your desk with real sort of thing. But you just talk to it like a normal person. Oh, wow. So isn't it a fair? Is it an affair, Charles, if you get pegged by a robot? I would have thought not.

No, that's just being sex positive. It's a hobby. It's a kink? Yeah, that's just like, well, it's sort of normal. Well, you also, you don't have to talk to a member of the British aristocracy as well. So I would have thought that would be much better. But the other thing that you go with the Royals is it's clear that Camilla is running the whole show. Like, Charles now has cancer.

He's out of the picture. And Camilla, remember, is the person who replaced Diana. Like, she doesn't have any sense of, oh, well, you shouldn't get divorced. Her whole thing is, well, if William gets divorced, then that makes me more legitimate as well. Well, that's the thing. Back when the Queen was around, we were pretty confident she was the one member of the family, possibly along with Edward, who hadn't had an affair, right? But Charles has no moral standing here. He wanted to be a tampon at one point.

I mean, you can't really give your heirs a dressing down for their behaviour. And we all know that at one point he wanted to be, you know, a hygiene accessory. So the point is, what happens if it turns out that William has either murdered Kate or murdered that, you know, brother-in-law Thomas, whatever his name is, you know, the person who Kate was having to be a fair with? Or murdered Harry, have we seen Harry recently? Murdered Megan? Like, what if it turns out that actually the head of state is not just an unpleasant person, but somebody who needs to be genuinely feared? I mean, because can you lock up? Can you lock up the king?

No, this is the whole thing. By definition, Charles and the King is the law. Yeah, in the same way that there's no passport or driver's licence, because they're all issued in the King's name. Yes. This is why Donald Trump wants to be president again. You have to have their same rights. It is far, no, but it is far greater and more clear cut in England than Donald Trump thing.

Like, at least there are mechanisms to say, well, if a president, well, and of course, in theory, you can get rid of a president by impeaching them. Trading Fifth Amendment as well, if they're infirm, I think if the VP signs of things saying they're infirm, you can get rid of them or something. In England, there is nothing written down. There's only the tunnel. They're just making it up as they go along. And, you know, there's an argument to say Parliament could come in. Like, if it turned out that, you know, Williams a serial killer, maybe the Parliament could come in and try and vote him out.

I mean, they could modify the act of succession, but the problem is the royals have to ratify. I mean, this is the whole. Yes, I don't think... This is the whole thing. To be serious for a second, the whole system in the UK is built on the royal assent, basically. Like the royals, even though they were kind of forced to do it, you know, and so on and so forth, we know the history.

It's still, technically speaking, they actually have to agree to every law. They could deny their assent and there be a constitutional crisis. There's a wonderful play. I think it's, is it called King Charles? The madness of King George III. No, no, no. There's a play about a scenario where Charles gets into a massive fight with the parliament and there's a massive standoff and Charles basically declares martial law.

I saw it at the STC years ago. I can't remember the name of it. Maybe it's called the king or something. It goes to show that having this total lack of rules is very confusing. But even when there are rules, such as in Australia, we have the dismissal. But Dom, our king is the English king. Yes. This problem could become ours any minute now.

Like, Charles isn't going to last a year, at which point we get a kid. Oh, I think so. Getting a toast. I think we can. If it is pancreatic, it's not good. No, exactly. But, Charles, there is one person in the royal family who's got it going on, who's got great ideas, who I'm sure is alive and well.

There's one other person besides Camilla and probably William, who we're sure is okay. I'll say who it is after this. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. I'm talking, of course, guess who it is. The one person who's been out there in the public space

doing what they do in a way that it could only be them, because it's so terrible. Prince Andrew? No. That would be, I hope not, for the sake of young women everywhere. No,

it's Megan Markle. It's Megan Markle. The Duchess of Sussex. She's created a new lifestyle brand. What? She has. Right when Kate's disappeared, she's launched this new brand.

Oh, yeah. Cashing in on the Sussex Royal account. Because remember how they said they weren't going to call themselves Royal? And they went, ah, fuck it. Sussex Royal. It's got the most hilariously banal name

of ever heard. Like, it's even worse than Goop. It's called American Riviera Orchard. Oh, my God. That's one word too many. Oh, no. Oh, oh, don't. So what are they selling?

They're selling lifestyle. What's lifestyle? I don't even know. There's a gold-colored crest with the word Montecito where they live. And what? Montecito is known as the American Riviera because it's full of fancy rich people. And rather than feeling ashamed, she's decided to kind of lean in on it. And there's literally, I'm not making this up.

There's a video on her Instagram of her stirring a pot. She is stirring the pot by doing this. No one actually knows what she's selling. I don't think you're saying. So I guess, we don't know, but people have been looking around the kind of trademark applications. Is it like jade eggs that you... Jade eggs with your vagina.

But you push up your vagina. No, it's the royal family. It's pegging implements. No, it's not. Potentially you could use some of this stuff. It's cookbooks and home goods, decanters. Oh, no. Kitchen linens and marmalades and jubes.

Jellies, that's what they think it is, or jams. Does Prince Andrew have a merch line? What's his merch line? God, I don't even want to know. That's too upset, David. Think of that. Yeah. Or is it just trips?

Just, oh, Prince Andrew, private airlines. Yeah, private airline, yeah, yeah. Air Andrew. Charter. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what he should do. He should sell photographs with him. That's what he's to get a photo taken with Prince Andrew.

Yeah. That'll come back to haunt him later in life. You can get a lot of money out of him that way. So, so let's just, but let's go through it, right? Let's go through the scenario that William becomes unfit to succeed, to accede to the crown, right? Prince Charles, like King Charles dies at some point fairly soon. God save the King, let's hope that's not for 40 years. Oh, God is.

50 years. Long may he rain. William turns out to be a bit of a murderer, can't ascend. Then the next three in line are his kids, right? Yes. Beatrice being the first one. No, George being the first one, then Charlotte and then Louis. No, George is the youngest, isn't it?

No, no. Oh, no, wait a minute. Beatrice is a whole other. Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Prince Andrew's kid, poor thing. Yeah, yeah. George, Charlotte and Louis. So George, yeah, you're right.

George is the next in line. You've got to remember the ones with the boring names. Right. So George can't do it. He's under fucking 18. Yeah, so there's got to be a regent. Right. So there needs to be a region, right?

So you now go down the line. Now, so who's the region? Is it Camilla? It could be Camilla. It could be Camilla. The other person. and who it could be is the next in line who, like, after the kids. Now, so that could be Harry.

Harry will be the next in line. But it can't be Harry because he's over in America and he said he doesn't want anything to do with them. Yes. After that, it's Andrew. Don't want him. Well, it is. Andrew's the next.

Yeah. And then after that, it's Prince Andrew's daughter, which is Beatrice. And she is of age. And so she could end up being the Queen Regent. Wow. Is it, are you sure it's Andrew and not? It would go to the kids, wouldn't it. It wouldn't be...

Then Edward, yeah. Oh, so it may actually, it may go to Prince Harry's kids first. Yeah, no, actually it would. Yeah, would. But they're underage as well. Yeah, they're underage. They're running out of royals. So they can't do it.

So then it goes to Andrew. Where's Prince Michael of Kent? So then it goes to Beatrice. I mean, unless Andrew goes, well, I'll do it anyway. Andrew would do it. Of course he'd do it anyway. Because I'm good. I've got my working with kids certificate.

Oh, God. Can you imagine if Andrew was set it to the throat, it's almost worth trying. see what it happens. So I think we've got a real... A constitutional crisis. I can't see how... I mean, I know that they have a tradition of surviving. And, you know, I'm sure before the last 70 years, there were times when the kings and queens

were not liked, right? But we have known 70 years under probably the most democratic style of governance that the England's ever had. Oh, definitely. I mean, look, we have mocked her, but the queen was certainly a force of stability. And she was... If you don't want things to change or evolve it anyway, that was her...

She was your woman. And her legitimacy was derived through her general inoffensiveness, right? So if William turns out to be an absolute C as we... As he's emerging, then I'm not sure he can... Like, if the only thing that's making it legitimate for the Crown to have that sort of person there is for him to be generally liked... Well, this is the point. And it's not.

This is the one point that if you've watched... the crown, and I've watched most of the crown, and I enjoy the crown. The one thing that Elizabeth very clearly knew, and I think Winston Churchill was the person who taught it to her, is that the royals actually have to actively be liked for the institution to survive. So their mission, and I think it's viewed as a bit morally ambivalent as to whether it's actually a good thing or not, but for the crown, it's what's called the crown, for the crown to survive, it's got to be popular. That's why it was such a crisis when Diana died. She had to fix it. Now, just imagine what happens if something else terrible goes down.

already got Andrew the monster there. They've got, whatever the hell's going on with Harry, they're becoming unpopular. Yes. Although I must say what will be popular is the next season of The Crown. Oh, they've got to make more episodes now. Because it'll be like they'll need to hire the riders

for days of our lives or something. They were going to stop, but they can't stop. They can't stop. And if they catch up to today, they should go forwards. They should show us what will happen. Yes. Manifest it. The most macabre possible outcome. No, but it's very strange.

But the other thing, Charles, let's not forget that when you talk about constitutionally unfit to serve, there are some issues with Charles. Now, look, he's been pretty uncontroversial. I think he's only issues with pens thus far. He doesn't like pens. But didn't he want to before he became king, he sort of said, oh, I want to be fairly activist or whatever? Yeah, well, he

wrote letters. He wrote these things called the spider letters in his kind of spidery handwriting. Trying to influence government departments. They've all been leaked. There's dozens of them. Oh, you're kidding. Completely improperly. And apparently he understands that now his king, he's not supposed to do that. But we know what his views are.

And some of his views are downright wacky. For instance, he is a believer in homeopathy. And so if he's trying to treat this cancer with homeopathy, I think it could be inconsiderable. Well, the problem might be around for very long. I was walking through London at one point, not the last time I was there. I walked past the sort of Royal Homeopathy Hospital. And it's this beautiful old building.

It says, like, buy Royal Warrant Homeopathy Hospital. I was like, what the actual fuck? Like, for those who don't know, homeopathy is a belief that the more diluted something is, the more powerful it is. So they sell medicines with nothing in them, literally at a molecular level with nothing at all in them. Yes. And Charles believes this stuff fucking works. Yes.

That's the king. I wonder whether Megan could create a homeopathy range. American Riviera homeopathy. That could be the thing that brings them back together. They could be intersecting sections of bullshit. Couldn't there? Hers and his. And maybe then slip in some real meds so that he actually, you know, stays alive.

Keep him going. Wouldn't it be amazing if Megan emerged as a savior of that? Because she's the only person that understands media management. They're not very good at it, but they don't understand it. I mean, if she's launching brands like that, she doesn't understand much. Like, there's not a huge amount there going on. No, she's trying to be, and this is the amazing thing about Harry and Megan. As bland as possible.

They've simultaneously trying to be royal and cash in on that while saying, they're not cashing in on it, but then take full advantage of their celebrity, which they have none of without being royal. It's an amazing catch twang too that they're in. Yes. You get all the upside of being famous with none of the downside of having to actually be royal and open shit events. Nice try.

So who is opening things at the moment in England? Or do things just have to stay closed? No, tragically unopened. I think Princess Anne's... I mean, if there's no one there to launch a hospital, what happens? No, you can't treat anyone. You can't treat anyone. No, no, just sits there.

And the bridge is. like if there's a bridge? No, no, there's not a chance that stays closed. New underground lines. Yeah, right. New tunnels, Charles. So the whole of Britain's going to ground

to a halt without the royals. It would be ironic if a cancer ward went on open, wouldn't it? Yeah, that would be ironic. It would be most unfortunate. Unless it was a homeopathic cancer ward in which case would actually be... Charles would rush there.

But also it would be huge relief. It would be good. Okay, so there is a genuine crisis in the royal family, which begs the question, to what extent do we care? No, don't go. No. It's just to survive. Genuinely interested in it, not surviving.

But I mean, Charles, as a... But I think we've got to get out. What it seems to me is we've got to get out of there fast. Like, and I'm not talking about, oh, let's wait around until after the next election, then we'll have a referendum and it'll be like 2027 by the time we get out of there. Get out of the burning building. I'm saying Albo needs to call a referendum tomorrow. Tomorrow.

You've called it. I've called it. And by the middle of this year, let's put a date. on it. Let's say 30th of June. We need to go to the polls and get rid of the royals. Pick a day, all right. Well, let's look at the calendar. You can pick a day for your referendum. Yeah, well,

aren't referendums always popular in spring? In the spring. Because people are optimistic. In September. So maybe we do that. Maybe. Could be. And you can call it C day. Sea day. Yeah. Okay. 21st of September. That's my birthday. Oh, let's do it on. And C for Charles.

Yes. The other Charles. And you. And maybe one of the models, opposed in Australia, it could be that I become the king. Because that's the thing. What we could do is it would be the simplest way to get rid of the British monarchy is to just replace the whole system with me becoming king here. Because you wouldn't have to change any of the structures. I must say, I'm really appreciating the good work that the raw family does.

So I'm looking at your fingers as we speak and there's no resemblance to sausages there. You're not qualified. Oh, yeah. And have you ever dreamt of being a tampon or a pad or something? That's what you've got to do. Yeah, and I certainly don't want to be pegged. I don't think you've tried it. This is a sex-positive podcast.

I've said it before. Yeah, and that robot. Can we get that robot? Our gear is from road. We're part of the iconic class network. Catch you on the other side of the revolution. Vive la revolution. C-day, lock it in your calendars 21st of September, 2024.