The Chaser Report - Psychic Election Animals | Election Aftermath

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

For the final episode of The Chaser's Election Aftermath reunion week, Andrew hosts a fun quiz about one of the most sacred election traditions: psychic animal predictions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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In an election that will determine the fate of the entire universe, there's only one podcast holding politicians accountable. Scott Morrison, Anthony Albanese, who will boom? Find out on The Chaser Report, election edition. Hello and welcome to our final post-election wash-up edition of The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 27th of May. We've got it same people as we have. I've had all week or a week, just about everyone from the chaser, old school chaser team with us, and I can't believe we've extended this to five days, man. It's really stretching the friendship with our listeners at this point to talk more about

the election. I'm leaving. I can't even remember who won the election so long ago. But that's normal for your memory, Charles. I couldn't remember on Sunday morning. Fortunately, though, today we've got Andrew Hanson with a quiz for us to add a bit of analysis and detail to what's happened. That's good, Gannon, because we haven't been polled enough over the last.

hasn't been enough questions. Six weeks. So, yes, thank you. I've been missing the telemarketers. That's all right. Look, I've even brought an enormous ballot paper for you to fill the quiz out on. Inconveniently sized. Can you arrange for Clive Palmer to text me the answers during the quiz? Here's my question.

Does anyone, you know, like everyone who had COVID was suddenly given access to phone voting? Yeah. Why can't we all vote by phone and be spared the enormous? I think it's because it's done by a person. Yeah, it's really hard. Oh, it's not just press one for the UAB. They had to, that's a get like hundreds of thousands. of people to get to do it.

It was a night. People now work for Qantas so we can get through to them whenever we have a problem with one of our airline to fares. Now, I've got a bit of a quiz for you. I'd like to hit you up, here you guys up with a bit of a quiz as we look back on the election. Because I think it often, you know, there's a lot of predictions we're flying around, right,

in the lead up to the election. I want to look back and just assess how some of those expert predictions played out. Oh, good. You know, on election nine. I'm hoping these are all charlesers. I think we know how poorly those play that There's nothing to be revealed on Charles's tweets

No, look, the first professional commentator That I'd like to assess here Is a psychic dugong Who predicted the election results some days ago Some days beforehand What's Charles's position on dugongs? Oh, they're cunts as well They know good?

Put them in the dolphin basket He had this ugly dolphin. Where was the psychic dugong, Andrew? Well, look, I'm going to quiz you on it, Craig. I mean, now that you've asked me the question. Craig, can you tell me what, first of all, I thought you might know this, but what is the name of the psychic dugong? I'm going to have multiple choice.

Is he named A, dog, B, pig, or C, dugong? Or D, Paul Murray. Yes, I would take it. I'm going to go dog. I know this one, because it's my daughter's best friend. What? Pig the dugong at the Sydney Aquarium. Your daughter loves pig the dugong.

Oh, yeah. Correct, Dominic Knight is correct. Well done. Well done. That'd be a one-way friendship there, Don, wouldn't it? Oh, I don't think so. That dugong looks at her. That's very friendly.

Really? How did they make friends, Domi? Well, I take it there every couple of weeks. That's excellent. Oh, okay. It's a good aquarium. All right. Well, I don't know if she, if she,

realizes how high qualified her. How did it predict? Yeah. Her friend is. Well, look, here's what the aquarium keeper had to say about Pigs qualifications as a political pundit. Pigs knew to making predictions. He's only been doing it for about 12 months, and this is his first political prediction. Now, uh, what other predictions has he been making? Like rugby league grandfinals. Look, this is what I'm wondering, Chris, what do you think he might have predicted otherwise? Because I don't know. I'm none the wiser. She didn't divul. The main time you wheel out these novelty animal predictors,

and I blame Paul the octopus who started all this during the Soccer World Cup. Absolutely. Anyway, and Paul was genuinely psychic. I mean, I won't hear a bad word against Paul. That was science. And if you said one, Paul would know. But there's people who are incredibly intelligent. Octopus are smart, a bit like dolphins.

And also they love soccer. But, yeah, no, the time that, and it's sort of always like the Daily Telegraph or the Channel 7 little funny thing after the weather. It's normally AFL or NRL grand finals and elections, aren't they the only time? Like they're not wheeled out for, I don't know,

what target is the ALP going to announce for their climate policy? You know what Pig, the dugong, is very good at predicting is where the fish is in the tank. Correctly predicts that every time. He predicts when Dom's going to arrive. Oh, no, not Dom again.

He's like, why's Pig hiding? Oh, man, he's good. Pig eats iceberg lettuce. Pig loves a good iceberg lettuce. Did they put the two litres on ice cream? Very high these days. Very large amounts of iceberg. Yeah, can you?

That's expensive. It's unusual. It's called pig. It's confusing. No, no, but they're normally nicknamed sea cow, like the cows of the sea. But I guess their nose is a little snouty. Anyway, sorry, do you have the answer. It's pretty pig-y-looking.

Well, Taylor, you mentioned the news, you know, the Channel 7 funny story. So I put it to you, a multiple-choice question here. Which dubious news outlets reported this dugong story? Was it a wow facts on Facebook? B, Ladd Bible or C, Fox News? When you say Fox News, do you mean Fox News America? Yeah, I mean the American Fox News Network.

Oh, right, covering the Australian election. And this is the clip we heard earlier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't sound like an American accent. That was the keeper, I think. I'm going to go with, I like the Yahoo, the first one. Yeah, the wow facts on Facebook. I'm sorry, I was a bit cruel there.

None of the above were correct. It was in the Guardian. That'd be right. Now, I'm going to move on now from... Hang on, was pig correct? Because several of the animals have just chosen to neither. I must say, yeah, pig is a genius. He was absolutely correct.

They threw in a red bucket and a blue bucket, and he stuck his funny-looking sort of pig-like head into the red bucket and chose labour. Yeah, but how many teals did he predict? Well, he must be able to. Tears predict the green swing in Brisbane? And what about Christina Keneally's seed? Yeah, yeah, what do you say about that?

Because there's now so many other parties, you know, the next election is going to be like five serious candidates in each party. You're going to have to throw five buckets at all these animals for them. Like, it's suddenly the odds are going to be harder for the. It's no longer a 50-50 with these pigs. These poor animals are going to be so stressed out with all these independent buckets. They'll probably all die from the plastics polluting their holdings. What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue?

A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled rib-eye you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Hi, Andrew Hanson here, the hot one from the Chaucer's TV shows. Yes, even pricks turn into top blokes after death.

You can see me, Andrew Hansen, live. on stage in Melbourne this Saturday the 28th of May search comedy in Olinda for the details yes I'll be playing O'Linda Community House in the Dandenongs along with some other comedians who are good with heights plus live in Bendigo on Thursday the 2nd of June at Piano Bar that's me Andrew Hanson live in Melbourne and Bendigo hot

election news you can't trust the Chaser Report there was one I can't I think it was this election where it was like horses or cows shitting on... Yes, on them. And it was sort of a bit confusing. It was a sort of paradox because it wasn't clear if the one they shat on would be the victor. But that was a vote of confidence.

Or that was the loser. I think whichever one they shot on was their tip for the winner. And they got it right again. They shat on album. Well, it's a famous way to endorse the McDonald's. Yes, I do. I mean, it's funny you should talk about the shitting. Because this was an issue with our next psychic animal

and the leader to our election, the psychic crocodile. Because, of course, this crock was offered the leaders. And whichever one he munched to death was considered the one he predicted to win. Andrew, were these the actual leaders or just represent? No, it's just they dressed tourists up in their clothing. Channel 9 pitch for the actual leaders. with the ukulele.

Croc parks, they've got to make money somehow, Chaz. Well, Chazzy, what ferocious name is this enormous man-eating crocodile known by?

Okay. A fluffy, B, speckles or see pinky pops? Okay. I am going to go fluffy. Inquiry.

What was you thinking? No, well, I just figured pinky pops just reeks have been made up by you yeah and uh and uh and and if and speckles just doesn't make much sense was fluffy fluffy makes so little sense i thought an ironic ironic thing i see as a no he's he's whittles he's whittles he's whittles the little little 4.7 meter killer crocodile and um yeah look he he was actually offered he he wasn't thrown tourists um funnly enough he was offered paper posters just two posters

One was Scono and one with elbow. However, to make them slightly more appealing, enormous chunks of meat were attached to each poster as well. Red meat to the base, yeah, nice. Slightly less on elbows, because he's lost so much weight. Chris, you're good at the media angle on these, I noticed from the last question. So can you tell me which dubious news outlet reported on the Speckles story? Was it a, wow facts on Facebook,

be Ladd Bible or see Fox News in America? I feel like I know the answer this time, but I'm still not going to believe it, so I'm going to go with Fox News. Close, no, no, the answer was the ABC. It was on their website, accompanied by some very amusing music. It's worth a look, actually.

If you like, funny little horn songs from Berlin in the 1930s that accompany it. I'm just amazed. What's what Weimar Cabaret music? Marlena Dietrich's happening a wacky death. I'm just amazed at how many good stories, wow facts missed. I don't know. They really did.

Well, now, this is the third one I'm going to bring to you. The third and final one, third psychic animal who's making predictions. Now, this is an animal by the name of Rowan Dean, who's kept in the news. And there's a bit of a bit of a contest, you know, who's going to call the election first, isn't there? on the night. Well, I don't know if you saw this, but Rowan's gotten in nice and early, and he's already called the 2025 election. So take a listen to this. Early 2025, put it in your diary too. Donald Trump will be sworn in as the next US president

or Ronda Santos, and a few weeks later, Peter Dutton and the Liberals will be swept into power in Australia following three disastrous and incompetent years of a teal's-led Labour government where Parliament obsesses over woke identity, politics, climate and indigenous issues as the economy grinds to a halt under their watch. Andrew, surely that was on Wow Fax on Facebook. That's where I found it. It's like, you know, like, you know, we've done radio and they always talk about your quarter hour maintenance.

Like you need to keep hooking things that are coming up to keep the listeners. What Rowan Dean has done there is do a three-year maintenance. Just to keep the Sky News audience, he's offered a glimmer of something interesting in the future so they don't all go off in droids. I don't love about it, though, is it when you're really confidently calling it, he still doesn't call one person. He's like, Trump will be named president or somebody else. He's like Charles's predictions.

He learnt from the past. I didn't know it was woke also to care about the indigenous issues. Oh, yes. Like he sort of said that as if, oh, I can't believe. There's going to be this really woke government that's going to help the indigenous. It's woke to care about anything, apparently. Right.

It's a world to care about anything at all and you don't want the world to just end in a horrible mass of fire, then you're woke. What are they doing? Why are they doing that? Why does Sky News exist? It's becoming increasingly unclear, given its inability to win elections. It works so well, though, in America.

You understand, you know, there's just a... an equivalence. You think if it got Trump elected, we can probably get... Or at least we've got a network to rate by amping up, you know, right-wing sentiment. Then we can probably, as a business model, if not a political force, get commercial benefits. But it just hasn't, isn't it? What do advertisers think of when Paul Murray says, welcome to the resistance and everyone's trying to be the resistance?

Like, surely clean X tissues or... To be watched the toilet baby doesn't want to be associated with that. To be honest, I think Rowan Dean sold a few Kleenex tissues during the course of that little prediction. But anyway. That's just before, Charles. It's breathing apparatus manufacturers. If you've watched it, it's essentially all based on the fact that you're about to die. The only product is there.

That tells you something when you're only sponsors of people manufacturing coffins and respiratory systems. It's quite sad there. Isn't it cruel to afford promote tweets? 25? Yeah. So I won't see. Quite literally, one of the major advertisers on Sky News, trust me, I've watched plenty of it last few weeks in funeral insurance sellers.

Like, honestly, quite literally. But I can answer your question about what they are trying to do. You got like, why are they doing this? I can tell you the reason they're doing this is to make my Christmas dinners miserable because my dad is the only person who watches these shows. And it's just the worst experience going home for Christmas and having to chat about whatever. Rowan Dean said for the last 12 months. That's why they do it, just to ruin my life.

I don't know what their figures are, but they're generally low. But someone said, but that's sort of not the metric. They're online figures in America. Like, they're actually shared amongst the Q&N crowd and all of that, and actually into the millions. Yeah, they're the biggest YouTuber in Australia. They're basically a YouTuber. So it's them and friendly Jordies.

Yeah, yeah. like kind of the two right right what a good choice also also the the commercial networks especially the ABC our ratings have been dropping progressively over the last 10 years to the point where where the the sky news of the world even though their rains are terrible that everyone else is coming down to meet them like they're basically like Paul Murray basically has been getting 70 80,000 viewers for the last 10 years but before long ABC Wednesday night 830 is going to be So what you said is they were pioneers, they led the way in low ratings. So they really deserve more credit for creating the trend of no one watching television.

Actually, if you understand, if you actually watch them with the understanding that they're trying to make it so less people watch television, it makes a lot of sense, actually. Genius. Yes. They're probably in the pocket of Netflix. Let's just make TV as bad as possible so everyone buys subscriptions to us. our gear is from road microphones and we're part of the ACAS creator network

thanks for being here this week everyone thank you thank you what's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door

a well-marbled ribai you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver.