The Chaser Report - Put Out Your Tampax for King Charles

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

The coronation is tomorrow, let's commit some Lèse-majesté. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is... Domnoyne, Long live the King! Charles, Long live the King! Isn't it exciting? We've got less than 24 hours to go until the King is coronated. Crown, but yeah, it's so exciting. Crown, is that what it's called? Yeah. So what are you doing for your preparations?

How far along have you gone in your preparation stuff? There's bunting everywhere in my house and I've got all the stuff to prepare the coronation kish and I've got on every surface I've printed out the loyalty oath that we've all been asked to say. A wonderful new way of the king getting us all involved in celebrating and really just expressing our devotion to him and our promise to never become a republic, Charles?

I've stocked up on red, white and blue tampons, and we're just going to, we're just, as a family, just all be waving the tampons as he gets coronated or crowned or whatever it's cool. Whatever it is, yeah. More on that in just a moment. I hope you sustain the excitement during whatever that ad was because it's just so exciting.

It's going to be a street party, isn't there, Charles? Imagine the nation will just all head out. Maybe it'll be like put out your tampons, you know, like everyone will just put a little box of tampacks, which is the brand he endorsed back then. Out on the street, just to say King Charles, we love you, we support whatever you want, which is to be a tampon on living Kimmila's pants, I think it was.

But I think also, it's bigger than that. Because I don't know about you, Dom, your kids might be different, but, you know, like I've got a 14 and a 12-year-old. And I've said to them, look, it could be, years before it like you know it was 70 years between queen elizabeth being crowned and her dying but that could be the same with charles like he's only he's very young he's a sprightly what 72 year old you know 74 or something he could leave to 150 easily 150 he's been waiting that long yeah yes i mean it's not like in 10 or 15 years time there's just going to be another coronation so who cares

about this one. And they are pumped. I think the young people are really pumped about this. So once in a lifetime thing. Yep. Once in a lifetime thing as long as you die

quite young. That's what it'll be. Yeah. Because I have no idea what the last one was like. I've seen grainy black and white footage. This one will be in... No.

I mean, it won't be in 3D because we don't do 3D TV. It'll be in high definition. Ultra 4K. We'll all be watching the world. We'll stop. Charles. Look, I don't want to do any spoilers

for people. who just want to, so maybe actually if you, if you don't want any spoilers, because I've got a bit of inside gossip about how it's going to all pan out. Oh, fantastic. If you don't want any spoilers, maybe turn off now or just skip forward five minutes. Just turn off now and just practice your loyalty. Yes, and then just come back in five minutes. This is the thing.

So we've been briefed as media, and of course they went to the Chase Report first. So it's, it's me, Chris Ullman and Peter Hatcher, are the main points of contact for the media, of course. They wanted to get all the major satirical media organizations in the fold, right? I love that you think Chris Yulman's still working. Yeah, no, he's come back out of retirement just for this one. You get the best, even if they've retired. No, so what they've done, you know, because you know how Prince Charles wants to,

King, sorry, Charles wants to update the coronation, make it a bit more trendy, make it a bit more modern. Oh, he does. He wants to make it modern. So what he's going to do? is he's going to wear one of those 3D, you know, bubble suits where you can map the movement. Like, which is, you know how they made Avatar where the actors all dressed up in those ping pong suits? Yeah, yeah, like ping pong balls attached to them. Yeah.

Yes. So, thing is, he'll walk down where it's been to Abbey or wherever it's been done in that suit, right? and then there'll be real-time graphical overlay of his, you know, costume as a sort of thing. And it can be anything he wants. So we don't know what, we don't know. Like, that's the thing that we don't know. It could be, you know, blue man from Avatar. It could be, I don't know, pasty, 74-year-old man.

You know, like that could be a giant walking tampon. It could be a feminine hygiene product walking down. That's what it is. Because he's the king. He can do it everything. He wants. It's his choice. So that's the hot gosh.

So look out for that. You may not even notice it. Like, if he decides that it should just be pasty old white man in his mid-70s, you might not notice that it's actually all CGI, very AI, very high-tech, very amazing. Because he's also said he wants everyone to be involved. And I think what that means is that if there are any hecklers or anyone who wants to sort of just run across the aisle and maybe get in his way, anyone wants to moon him as he's walking down and, you know, doing the procession.

If anyone wants to get up and just have a good old British schoolboy mooning, that's okay because we're all supposed to be part of it and express our loyalty in our own way. I feel like Prince Harry might have that plan. I mean, there was all that stuff where he went nude in Vegas, remember they? They used to do nudie runs in Vegas and stuff. Absolutely. The drunken rampage and stuff. Absolutely.

And that would be modern. That's more modern than, say, just a boring, you know, put your crown on. And take it off. along with the rest of your clothes. That's right. Charles is a pants man. We know this, right? He had an affair.

We heard the audio. The world heard the audio intercepted back when mobile phones weren't secure. This is a pants man. He will probably have sex with three or four different people on the way down the aisle. Just live on television. He doesn't care. Why not? See, that's what you should do as king is just use your power for evil.

Like Prince Andrew has done. That's what Henry VIII did. Look at Henry. Henry the 8th shagged everyone that moved in the palace. He shagged all of the Berlin girls. This is the tradition. It's about observing the tradition. I think it's, I think if King Charles isn't just shagging everything that moves constantly,

he isn't properly continuing the role of King in the United Kingdom. It's really, he's not doing his job. No, and we should immediately become a republic. If he doesn't, if he doesn't have a sex wrong, live in Westminster Abbey, Australia should become a republic because he's a disgrace. I think, I think so. What would Henry the 8th do? And you've got to say, there's only one of Charles's exes who's not around.

anymore, whereas by Henry's standards, a lot of them got the chops, an awful lot of them got the chop. I mean, if I was Camilla, I'd be quite worried that, you know, he was going to have four or five more wives with the time, like Rupert Murdoch would do. Yes, yes. Well, he's only, I mean, he's a young king, isn't he? Oh, he's a sprightly young king. Absolutely.

He's got to sow his wild oats now. Absolutely. Is this guy? And they'd be organic wild oats, too. That's the important thing. They'd be wonderfully organic. Yeah. I'm hoping he'll get his love of homeopathy into the coronation, actually, Charles.

I don't know if you're across these. The king loves homeopathy. He's a huge witchcraft belief that if you make something more and more dilute, it becomes stronger. You know that? You add more water. You make it less strong. And I really think Charles has done that so successfully with his own personality. Just diluted it so much.

That's what he's done with the keesh recipe. I made the keesh the other day. Did you taste? Did you? No. What's alike? It's very water. Well, I think I actually

I honestly, I'm not joking now I think there's too much milk Like I think he's just got the proportions wrong It's really soggy It doesn't work Isn't that because there's an egg shortage So So it's just Tim Be

Recipe at a time when the UK Had a huge egg shortage due to Brexit And so he was the only person who could actually have eggs So presumably the chefs had gone Look just get kind of half an egg in there And the rest of it just put milk in Yes, you're right. And he would think of an egg as a swan's egg, wouldn't he?

That would be his normal egg. And they're fucking massive, right? Did you know that the king actually owns every swan in Britain? I looked this up this week. There are 32,000 swans in Britain, and they're all owned by King Charles. So he'd be having swans eggs left, right and centre. He's the only one who can. The highlight, Charles, though, will be the moment where people across all the realms,

the Commonwealth and just well wishes in general so obviously Megan will be among them will swear the oath of loyalty and I mean full credit to the king for finding a way to involve us vassals us serfs us peons in the coronation because normally it's the jukes

who do the oath of loyalty to the king but now we all get to be jukes the problem with that end off our cap but the problem is they couldn't do that because Harry is one of the dukes and I don't think Harry was about to doff his head because didn't they have to bow

they had to bow in front of him yeah and in all the sincerity William will pledge his life to the king but traditionally this is what they did they made all the dukes come along they're all the strongest military commanders in the nation and they had to pledge their loyalty to the king so they weren't going to challenge the king

which of course they all did anyway and had the War of the Roses and all that sort of stuff so Harry won't do it or just be William doing it Harry's pledged his loyalty I think to Netflix and Spotify already yeah well you can't you know like that would just be breach of contract, wouldn't it? It would be a breach of contract. And I assume he's there filming his next reality show, isn't he?

That's why he's come. I think he's probably, yeah. He wouldn't be going to see Dad. He's sort of coronating for clout, aren't he? How the fuck are we going to get to this ceremony? If we've been talking about it is this tedious. But no, the big question that came up. I thought you had a quiz.

I thought you were going to do a quiz. Yeah, but it's... Are you going to do a quiz? I think we're actually... Just like the fucking coronation. None of the medical advice contained in the... The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

But the big question that's come up this week, well, several questions. The first is, why did Anthony Almanese do an interview with Piers Morgan, of all people? And the second is, having said he was a Republican in that interview, why is he swearing loyalty to the king? He says he's going to take his oath. I actually know. You're in touch with the Albanese camp, I know. Oh, yeah, I talk to Alba every day.

But, no, the thing is, what he didn't want to, he didn't want to end his week with the biggest cock that he's been in the same room with being Kyle Sanderlands. So he had to go on his Morgan. He didn't want to end the week going, oh, my God, the biggest cock that I hung out with this week was, is Kyle Sanderlands. And then, the answer to the Pledge of Allegiance is actually very, that's huge, rather that's very obvious, which is, That statistically, there are more than nine fucking trillion over 65s in Australia still. And they all vote, and they want him to pledge allegiance because they're all fucking monarchists. And the whole reason why... So the point is, he has to pledge allegiance because he wants to make sure he wins Queensland at the next election.

So 2GB doesn't get angry. Or is that too true? That's the aim, really, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like... No, I think that's... Let's be honest.

I've had a lot of sarcasmuses in this episode, but that's the exact reason why he's doing it. And that's the same reason why, may I say, Charles. He also said in an interview that he's not expecting a referendum particularly soon on the Republic. He doesn't, he's doing the voice. He doesn't just want to be Mr. Referendum. He doesn't want to, you know, reform the Constitution multiple times to make it more up to date. One will do him, and the one's not looking that at the moment anyway, in terms of the polls. So yes, he's not frightening the horses.

Do you think, is he sort of Scooby-doing doing us? Is he, like, is he even a Labor Prime Minister? What is the fucking point of Anthony Abernezzie? What does he do? Well, there's an article on the shot website that addresses that very question. I think he's in the phase that many Prime Ministers go through. John Howard had it, Kevin Rudd had it, where you don't want to be wrong on any issue.

You want every position you take to be the popular one and not really do anything particularly brave. And maybe, to be fair, he is trying to be the voice. So maybe he's just like one brave thing at a time. He's a small target guy. We know he likes having very little skin in the game. So he's doing one thing, the voice, and on absolutely everything else,

he's not going to allow himself to be wedged. Is that what he's doing? Including, will you go to Cost Handel's wedding alongside some deeply shady people? Yeah, but in fairness, I think he probably would have done that back in the day. Let's remember, like his factional allies, you know, in the New South Wales Labor Party are now mostly in jail.

So, like, I remember when he and Ian McDonald used to hang out at fundraisers for the Labor Left. But, you know, in fairness, there's nothing to be fair about it. He's just... He's our representative there. He's... Well, look, I think what has happened is he spent his entire political career selling out, like pretending to be a Labor Left person and then selling out the Labor Left to get votes and favour with the Labor right and therefore climb the ladder of the ALP.

Because that's the only thing he's ever done. He's now selling out the general population because that's the only thing he ever does. Charles, he loves... He loves fighting Tories. He loves fighting them unless they're being crowned or have a global TV show on Rip Murdoch's news channels around the world, in which case he just sits down for a posthum of them in some sort of palace.

No, you know what it is? I reckon he had a chat with King Charles back in October, he found out the King Charles grew up in government-funded housing and he went, oh, we're the same. They've bonded. They've bonded over growing up

with a bit of a sob story, government-funded housing. And that's why it's like, we're peeing apart with the same. We're the same. And they agree. They seem to further agree, Charles. That nobody else will have access

to the same houses that they had. Charles isn't sharing the palaces around. And Albo seems not to want to build any more council flats. Mind you, Albo's backing government-funded housing. I mean, that Kiribili house that's fully funded by the government, it's basically social housing. That's probably why he's... That's it.

We've worked it out. Trying to go to the middle all the time. He doesn't want to get kicked out of his government house. Yes, that's it, see. That's why we shouldn't have government housing because it makes you lazy. Makes you not want to actually do your job. That's why he doesn't do his job because he's a fucking bludger in government housing. We've solved it.

No, I'll swear to that, Charles. I'll swear to that. Yeah, it's, look, it's at 3pm tomorrow, I think, isn't it? The coronation? What are you watching? Well, in all sincerity, I'm going to be in Tokyo on Saturday, and I think that will be one of the best places in the world to get absolutely no information about the coronation.

So after listen to the episode on Monday, you can talk to someone else who watched it. I'm going on holidays. I'm actually going to be in Perth on Saturday, performing Wankonomics. at the economics.com for tickets at the Astor theatre and that will be good because I'm not even sure people in Perth have electricity or access to basic forms of information

I don't know they're fairly as I understand it they're fairly backward those sorts of people that's going to sell the rest of tickets to Perth our gears from Roba part of the iconic class network will catch you next week see yeah