The Chaser Report - Putin DEAD (According to news.com.au)

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

Dom and Charles unpack the breaking story from Australia's top speculation outlet on the death of Putin. Naturally it devolves into highly provocative jokes about a certain Ben Roberts-Smith that our producer did not edit out on grounds that they couldn't be bothered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Dom, huge news. Vladimir Putin is dead. How have I not heard this? My phone had nothing. There was no pop-up, no intrusive little New York Times thing. How do you know, and the world's security establishment apparently does not? Well, no, no. The thing is, this comes from news.com.com.com. Of course they'd have it first.

Which I think it describes itself as Australia's top news website. I mean, that's observed, but just calling themselves news is also quite funny. They ran an article speculating that it might be the case that Putin is dead. So I'm taking that pretty much. I mean, if they called the site speculation.com.com.com. It'd be a more accurate description of the content. Look, I think certainly news.com.com.com is good enough for us. Sure.

And therefore, it's definitely good enough for our listeners. And frankly, it's probably a more accurate news source than anything inside of Russia. So they would love to have news.com. So let's run through the reasoning straight after this. So the first thing and the main thing is Vladimir Putin's chins. Okay. Right. So the point is his chin keeps on changing, right?

Yeah. Interesting. So on the 21st of February. He had a chin that sort of jolted outward. Then on the 18th of March, he had a chin that sort of... It's hardly any chin there. It's a little bit beaver-esque, isn't it? And then in Marie-Pol the next day, suddenly his chin's back. That's interesting.

Yeah. So I don't know whether it's some sort of chin-based disease, but what the speculation is, is that actually he's using a body double. And this is where it gets a little bit sort of tenuous, which is he's using a body-double, therefore he must be gravely ill. is the speculation. Or just dead. Or dead.

Yeah. Yeah. And so therefore... Well, hang on. Let's think about what other things could make your cheeks or your chin swell, right? Yeah. I mean, it's hard to get food in some parts of Russia these days. Maybe he's storing nuts for the winter.

Yeah. And sort of swelling out the cheeks. Yeah. Or it could be that he's dead. You know, like... Maybe he had an autoimmune disease. He made his cheeks get puffy as it does. Steroids do.

And then suddenly he was cured. Maybe he had cheek implants. they didn't like them. Or it could be that he's dead, Dom. I mean, it's certainly possible. But if you're Vladimir Putin and you're essentially the dictator of Russia, you're in control of everything. Would you be fucked going to every event?

Or would you like Saddam Hussein? Yes. Have a legion of body doubles to send out, particularly to places such as, I don't know, Maripol, where there's a very good chance of Ukrainians trying to kill you. Yes. I mean, wouldn't that be a great flex if the Ukrainians had killed the body double and had this amazing celebration. We've killed Putin.

Yeah. And Putin's like, no, niet, niet. You got the one with the... You got chinny. Chin, yeah, with the... Well, I'll tell you what. I think I want a body double. I kind of feel like...

We should all have a body. It's like a body, but yeah. We went to a musical last night, though, you and me. I sent my body double, actually. Was that... I enjoyed the company quite a lot. I was quite surprised. I had a lovely conversation.

I should have known it wasn't you. Yeah. No, but the thing is, Because my body double came home and said the musical we saw was shit. So it's sort of lucky that I sent my body double. And I felt that the body double didn't have much in the way of critical faculties. It was a more realistic body double than some of the people in the musical. Anyway, so this could be a thing.

I mean, maybe Albo ahead of the voice, maybe what he needs to do is unleash a bunch of albo, albo-nots. Yes, Albo copies. Do you think that's the problem? though. Maybe the reason why he's been so shit and is plummeting in the polls is because his body doubles running Australia. Maybe when he went to Queensland last, pitted up and somehow had him locked up. Yes. Gosh, that's a kind theory to Albo. But the Albo we're saying is just a fake imposture and not the real guy. I think the headline, we buried the lead here. I think Albo's did. The real elbow. The real elbow. I mean, he died a long time ago.

It's only before being elected PM, didn't he? I mean, when I saw those sharp suits and the trim figure, I thought, this, this is a sharp cat. Yes. This is not Albo. Yeah, and we all thought, oh, he's had a makeover. He's done some work. Yes, but no, it's actually that he's dead.

Do you think, you know what? Have you ever seen Malcolm Turnbull and Anthony Albanese in the same room, like in the last, since he had his makeup? No, I don't know. Do you think? I wonder whether, because I'm just trying to think, of somebody as equally pathetic and useless in power

as Malcolm Turnbull. Well, Malcolm Turmbal will also have the means to commission an Albaugh and Albo Android too. Yeah. Mind you, he did run a national poll that actually then succeeded. Oh yeah, that's true. Maybe it doesn't. So Albao may be

a body double. Yes. It's quite possible. I mean, Tony Abbott's been a body double since his 20s as far as. Yeah, that's right. That's some sort of robot or reptilian situation going on there. Yeah. Who else? probably has a body double. Oh, well, the queen's still alive. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Definitely still alive. But we knew that. We knew that. That wasn't the real queen that they buried. And the queen mum as well. Yeah, amazingly. Yeah, it's still pickled in gin. It's amazing what it does for you in it.

Yeah. I think we've investigated that part. So let's get back to the article. Yes. So anyway, his chin's one problem. The other problem is a few weeks ago, he had just delivered a long speech. Sure. And then, this is Putin, but, oh, sorry, Putin's body double.

Just to live it a long speech And then he goes to look at his watch And he looks at the wrong hand That is pretty telling Yes Because, you know And the whole suggestion is Putin, who wears a two and a half thousand dollar watch

Sure Would know which hand His watch is on But of course his body double Obviously has the On the other hand Must be a lefty or something Yeah yeah and just forgot

Right Went to look at the wrong hand So there you go Case closed really I mean Putin must be dead I mean, the other possibility is that Putin's been stress-eating with all the chins. And frankly, the way that the war in Ukraine's going, you can imagine that he would be doing that. I would totally just stress it if I was waging war against Zelensky.

Lots of borsed around and strong enough. But also, I mean, he's at the point in the conflict where he genuinely seems to think that Kim Jong-un is militarily useful. Like, they have meeting up to discuss North Korean resources being deployed. Yes. And the point where you're calling on the North Koreans for anything. You know you're pretty dire straits. Well, I think similarly, though, and I don't know whether you saw the news this morning,

but apparently Australian drones have been used to actually attack Russia. Really? And they've been new, yeah, it was on the news this morning. Apparently, some of the Australian-made drones have been used in the sort of four defensive parts of the attack where they're actually going across into Russian territory and bombing military installations. How could they tell they were Australian?

Did they not work? Who knew we had a tech industry? Well, I presume they must have bought them from Dick Smith, which is now part of Kogan. Oh, Kogan, yeah. A Kogan drone. That's actually very secular, isn't it? Yeah, look, it might have been...

Or J-Kart, maybe... Or Hobby Co? Maybe it's an assemble yourself drone. Yes, yes. And then the Ukrainians got this Australian drone. That has sold it together. Reprogrammed it. And it was really good.

I don't think, I mean, other than the gear that our sponsor Road actually makes in Sydney, which is bizarre. I mean, I've been to visit the facility. It's actually high-tech manufacturing. That's the only example of we've heard of of high-tech manufacturing in Australia. No. What drones are we making? We make drones.

Do we? Yeah, we do. Aren't the Chinese ones better? Well, no, no, I think they're like military drones. They're not like, it's not like drones that you buy in the shop. Quite proud of it. I'm not very generally a patriotic person. You're proud of that we have killing machines.

I'm proud that we have little Aussie death machines that can. I didn't know that we had the ingenuity to do that. I know. Yes. I mean, you know, well, it's seeing fucking. Matilda, Vladimir Putin. Yeah. Yeah.

Admittedly, a story that ends in the death of the protagonist famously, who jumps into the billbong and drowns. Yeah, but also, I've just realized, maybe our drones are the ones who killed Vladimir Putin. Wouldn't that be an extraordinary achievement? Restores the nation's pride. The little Aussie bleeder. Yeah, the Aussie bleeder.

Extraordinary. I mean, I mean, the notion of Australia having some role in some combat somewhere that isn't simply get up as and turn up as cannon fodder for a larger imperial power. I find that a bit hard to believe it. Our traditional role is, oh, you want people to be shot at? Sure. We'll come. We'll go to Vietnam.

We'll go to Gallipoli. Just kill a bunch of us and just tell us that you love us and then we'll do it. The idea of sending the drones, the idea that we don't have to die in a war, that's weird. I mean, I don't know how our troops are going to cope with that. What are they going to do if they don't just get shot up next conflict? Well, and also, how will they kick people off cliffs if they're not even required? Oh, no, but the drones. The drones could push someone off a cliff.

Do you reckon that's one of the problems with the drones is they turned up and they just kept on trying to push people off cliffs? Well, I could imagine drones wouldn't be very, very good at identifying combatants and non-combatants. Well, that's perfect. It scans, oh, it's an old man who can't walk. Alert, alert, alert! Definitely a soldier. Let's blow this person up with extreme prejudice. It would be interesting, though, if you made the punishment for the crime, I wouldn't mind Ben Robertsmith being tried in front of a jury, in front of a jury of drones.

You just imagine? Yeah, yeah. I just devices sitting there in judgment. Except wouldn't they... They would approve or, like the Bleedmaster 2000 or whatever we're calling it. Would approve of Ben Robert Smith. They'd go, what a fine upstanding citizen. They'd probably think he wasn't good enough at it.

Not efficient enough. Too messy. You left a trail. I mean, if Ben Robert Smith had simply murdered the witnesses, this is a thing where he fell short. I know. He only, from what we gather, and he cased some fellow troops, but I don't know that he murdered any of them. No, he didn't.

That's what you've got to do. Ask any amount. for your boss. You don't leave witnesses. Ben, what are you thinking? Have you learned nothing from the godfather? Should we get the lawyer to review this before we send it out? Ah, look, what are the odds, Ben Robert Smith would sue for this point? It would be foolish and reckless to sue for the foolish and reckless. And you might end up with a very large damages bill. For the record, Ben Robert Smith is definitely innocent. I just want to put that out there. Definitely. Never been convicted in a criminal trial. There may be a military trial to come.

We wouldn't want to prejudge that. We wouldn't want to prejudge that. I mean, admittedly a judge prejudged that and made some very adverse findings. Yes. But I wouldn't want to judge the judge. Wasn't the quote, I mean, like, terrifyingly evil or something? What was the...

Ah, we have to look it up, but it... Egregiously criminalized. We did a whole episode that was on exactly what the judge said because we figured we could report that without getting sued. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Can we get back to Vladimir Putin? We can get back to.

I haven't outlined to you. Oh, there's more evidence. Yeah, there's more evidence. So there's moles. The moulds on his face keep moving around. Oh. Which, you know, if you've been to a skin specialist, if you turn up to a skin specialist with a mole that moves around your face.

That's bad. No one's going to. You've got to die. That's definitely, it's probably stage 20 cancer or something. You're toast, basically, at that point. Or alternatively, it's just a body double. I mean, that would be a very Australian way to die, wouldn't it? It was skin cancer.

But then the clinching proof, the reason why news.com was able to run with such a powerful and sort of click-baity headline is Vladimir Zelensky. Is that his name? Vladimir Zelensky. The Ukrainian president, i.e. Vladimir Putin's mortal enemy, has suggested that he's probably already dead. Unless this is a double bluff. And Vladimir Zelensky is the one who's actually dead. Which seems more plausible for... Yeah, especially given that Zelensky's relying on Australian drones. Yeah, I mean, you would not have thought that the leader of a country neighboring Russia that Russia was trying to destroy would still be alive at this point.

It's a massive fuck-up on Putin's part. Yeah, Zelensky is still there. Well, it's because Zelenskyy freeballs. So the Novichok in the underwear doesn't work. I didn't know that about it. Is that why he always wears the military garb? Yeah, well, you would. If you were going up against Putin, you wouldn't don the underwear.

I think that's why he wears t-shirts. That was, what's the name of the dissident? Navalny's. That was Navalny's whole problem. He wore underpants. Yeah, you don't want to wear underpants around Vladimir Putin. No way. That's his role for his female staffers, too, I think, actually.

Right. So Vladimir Putin might be dead. But if Putin's dead, why hasn't Russia backed out of this ridiculous war that doesn't mean none of them want to fight anymore? I mean, vast numbers of Russian troops have died. Yeah. Why isn't the puppet just going, actually, we made a terrible. mistake. Let's have peace. Yeah, you're right.

Like, there's no... Hang on a second. Unless the real Putin wanted peace. Because it's such an insane thing to do. Right. To go on. Yeah. So it's a puppet. So the Putin that's up there is a puppet. Yeah. It's been installed by Australian drone manufacturers. Yes. To keep the war. To keep the war going. Oh, no.

The military industrial complex has so much to answer for it. Oh, this is just, yeah. It all fits together now, doesn't it? But as against that. I mean, this is all going to be reported. as factinnews.com. Yeah, you tomorrow. But as against that, road and manufacturers, if you have a way of providing

clones of us to do the podcast every day, we could probably hush it up. Well, you know I'm not actually here. Is that why this had research? It's all the real child. Yeah, this is a much better than normal episode.

All right. Aguirre is from Road. We're part of the Oconiclass Network. And neither of us is us.