The Chaser Report - Qcott Qorrison? | Sami Shah

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Aleksa explains the QAnon conspiracy and its potential links to the PM by joining it. Sami Shah is a veteran of battling extremists who want to silence comedians, so he has some advice for Friendlyjordies. Charles gets driven around by a Tesla. And the actual Rebecca De Unamuno returns, allegedly. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Welcome to the Chaser Report on Wednesday, the 16th of June, the day after we learn that finally the Australian government is going to relent and reunite the Bilauella family. They're going to be out of detention, Charles, at last. A damning back down by the government. People smuggling is now open for business again. Are you against this? Absolutely. Dom, this is just awful stuff. with Alex Hawke on this, you know, that you've got to be tough on four-year-olds,

especially when they get sick, because then that's when they want to get all this special treatment, go to hospital and things like that, and get treated for their sepsis. Tolsh, she had to wait for 10 days to get at the Children's Hospital in Perth. She nearly died? This is a product that the people smugglers can now sell to a whole new range of people wanting to come to Australia, be locked up for three years on Christmas Island, have their kids driven to sepsis for only 10 days, and then free ticket into Perth with a few conditions and no visa yet. Oh, you're a very tough man. Oh, you've got to be tough. You've got to be tough,

especially on that four-year-old, because the sneaky thing, the sneaky thing that no one's really talking about is that that girl was born in Australia. How sneaky is that? She's actually an Australian citizen. Which means she takes you have the right to live in Australia. No, no, Dom. No, if you start allowing four-year-olds who are born in Australia to live in Australia, then that's the thin end of the wedge. Then suddenly everyone who is born in Australia will expect to have the right to live in Australia.

I mean, where does that end? Charles, my daughter is about the same age and is also part Tamil. Like, she's got a lot in common with... Do the authorities know? But where is she? I'm going to call the terrorism hotline right now. We've got a big show. Sammy Scha has some advice for friendly joids about dealing with hostile governments, such as the Taliban.

And I managed to test drive a bit of a luxury car. Plus, we've both got our vaccines and we're ready to party. Yay! But first, let's check in on the latest news headlines with Rebecca Dayina Muno. Prime Minister Scott Morrison has signed a deal with Germany to develop new ways to cut down on climate change. However, some fear the agreement may actually increase global warming, giving how many of SCOMO's announcements are a load of hot air. The federal government has begun negotiations to decide what to do with its toxic radioactive waste,

with the Prime Minister suggesting, instead of dealing with the problem, they could just demote it to the Minister for Science. The Australian government has today announced the Bila Wheeler family will be immediately resettled in Australia until their visa decision is finalised. The UN has condemned the decision to move the family to Perth as an even worse torture than being locked up on a prison island. That's the latest news you can't trust for The Chaser Report. I am actually Rebecca Deunamuno.

The Chaser Report is brought to you by a shady cabal of elite Satan worshipping pedophiles. At least we're more honest than the God-worshipping pedophiles. The Chaser Report. Okay, the biggest story in the country right now is Q and on the big conspiracy theory from the US. It's very confusing, but apparently it extends all the way to Scott Morrison's office, or at least his best mate. Now, Alexa, you've been delving in the QAnon mind.

You've been looking at message boards and so on. And Gabby's here as well to help us make sense of all this. What have you found? Yeah, I'm completely red-pilled now. I am whatever a Q-Anon person is, that's me. You're on board. I'm here to spread the good word. So what is the theory?

So it all started a little pizza joint called Comet Pizza. You know, regular Pete's price has a big kind of freezer underground and obviously led people to believe that it's the headquarters of a giant satanic cabal of elite pedophiles. How's you do? And they believe that Hillary Clinton was running there. Yeah, I believe that. Yes, correct.

Oh, you're sorry, you. But, you know, this is kind of scary, but there's no need to fear because there's a guy called Q, who's a secret government operative who's going to get rid of the pedophiles. This sounds like a script for Get Smart. Yeah. Isn't Q? Isn't Q actually like some weird character from Star Trek or something?

No, isn't he in Bond? Yes, all of the above. He's all of the above things. And yet somehow also someone who knows what's really happening in the real world. I mean, usually all this kind of riffing would be blasphemy. But Q and on is actually super collaborative. You know, you can all come up with your own theories and we all come together and it's a really happy Q family.

So where does Donald Trump fit into this whole thing? He's kind of like the champion. He's the anti-petophile Messiah. Is that what you're saying? Yeah, exactly. He's going to get rid of it. them personally. So did he succeed? Like, he was president for four years.

We're the pedophiles now? I think he kind of did. One of the theories is that he actually did get the pedophiles, but you can't let everyone know because all the other pedophiles will go into hiding or something. So don't you want pedophiles to be in hiding? So they catch these pedophiles and they replace them with robots who act exactly the same. Presumably also continue doing pedophilia. I don't know. I mean, what I like about this is Donald Trump's long-term disguise. as the guy who owned the Missing Universe pageant

and constantly burst in on the teenage contestants. That guy's the anti-petophile guy, yeah? Well, that's the beauty of it. To catch a paedophile, you have to become a paedophile, you know? Even though Joe Biden is president, this is all still going on, even though Donald Trump is a joke who launched a coup against the United States. You still believe? It's a bit of a struggle, I have to be honest.

So Q hasn't dropped anything for the past six months. So before he was feeding us a little bits of information, but now he's completely silent. Well, I mean, it's clear who it is. I mean, there's only one guy who's been pretty busy for the last six months. Joe Biden.

He's Q? Yeah, he's been pretty busy. I don't think he has time to drop hints, does he? That makes total sense. Yeah, I was thinking either that or Charles Firth, who's also been pretty busy for the last month.

No, Charles is of no consequence. Haven't you learnt that by now? Not a good. I've learnt none of this. And there's even deeper cover than Donald Trump. No comment. No comment. The Chaser Report is sponsored by the Deep State

who are sponsored by the Freemasons who were sponsored by the Illuminati, who were sponsored by Woolwlett's. Get a 170-gram pack of Doritos for $3.50 at Woolworths today. Dom, there is a war on satire going on. At last. Friendly Jordies, who's a YouTube comedian, he is being sued by the Deputy Premier of New South Wales for defamation. They're trying to shut him up, shut him down,

because Friendly Jordies says that the Deputy Premier is corrupt, right? There's also something to do with Mario, wasn't there? but anyway. Yeah, yeah. And the police have now arrested this YouTube comedian's producer saying that he's been stalking the deputy premier and arresting him on basically stalking charges. The kind of laws you would use to stop someone who is obsessed with an ex or something

and walking up to them? They're now using that on journalists and reporters and producers who presumably are doing reciting. So essentially what it means is any stunt that the chaser does where we go and see what a politician is up to, is now stalking and illegal. This is a bit worrying. I mean, I can't confess.

I'm not really a cross-friendly jollies, but if it affects us, Charles, this is very troubling. I mean, I went up to John Howard, you know, to film stuff with Craig and Julesnerver many times. Tony Abbott we used to go up to all the time. You're now saying a whole career would have been illegal. It would have been illegal. Making us virtuous freedom fighters.

Yes. And much braver than we actually were, damn it. We'll presumably die heroically, but we're going to get amazingly good movie made out of it. And his producer got dragged away by some people known as the fixated person's unit. It's a very odd thing, very confusing, but we thought, well, who would understand getting into trouble with the goons of a despotic regime? And we thought about our good friend, Sammy Shah. Hello, Sammy.

Hello, how are you doing? You very well, have you ever tussled with the fixated persons unit? I mean, I've had tuffles with people who've been fixated on me, but they never really, I don't think they've ever coagulated into like a unit. I mean, the other times I have had tussles with things that I suppose could be described as a unit would have been the entire intelligence agency of Pakistan or, you know, the Taliban or the Liberal Party here in Victoria, you know, those kind of extremist organizations. So this all started before you moved to Australia, wasn't it? What are some of the tussles you had back in Pakistan? The biggest one that I got into would have been around the time when the blasphemy law was being reenacted where people will decide that it's time to just randomly persecute a minority

or just kill a random family of people by saying they've committed an act of blasphemy. And I decided to write a column about how maybe it's not that good a thing for us to be killing people. based on imaginary rules made up to please an imaginary creature in the sky which did not go over very well with the Islamic Republic of Pakistan overall and so I ended up pissing off what are known I believe the technical term is a religious knuck job

Wow, that's so brave! That's almost as brave as going up to John Barilar who dressed as Super Mario because that is the charge isn't it that he got dressed up in a silly costume and because he'd tried it several times, he then, the police say, was classified as a fixated person, which is essentially like a stalker.

Which is literally what the chaser does before every stunt that we do. If storking was going to be a crime, or pretty much the entire chaser team, I'm assuming John Saffretton. I'm trying to think who else in Australian media and comedy and satire and such would probably be locked up. Well, surely every current affairs journalist. in a more innocent time in Australia, we used to go up to the Prime Minister on his morning walk.

It must have been upwards of 20 times with some stupid prop or stunt or maybe a DeLorean or I remember being dressed as a sheep and doing it once. I can't remember why. Just we were there dressed as sheep. And the AFP just said, okay, that's fine. Just don't make any sudden moves or throw anything, no projectiles. That seemed a reasonable position for the government to have. It was kind of encouraging, really.

In retrospect, now don't you see that the north throwing of projectiles was a slippery slope, but gateway drug, if you will, towards a complete police state fascist to set up. Well, the one thing we did learn was that you can't put on a chainsaw. Yes, that got shut down. The chainsaw in either PM. He was allowed to have the chainsaw, just not a chainsaw that was switched on. Yeah, yeah. Was it a problem?

Fair enough. I think the mistake, though, or at least the thing that you all didn't do, was wear a costume from the Super Mario Brothers game. because that seems to be what had really offended the New South Wales police more so than any domestic violence case that they have ignored previously where stalking has been an issue. So, Sammy, how did you go in this tussle with the extremist leaders? I mean, you're still here, thank goodness.

I mean, I'm still here in Australia. I'm not in Pakistan anymore. I don't know. You know what you do. You see how far they go, and then once you survive the first act of, you know, quote-unquote persecution, if you're a sensible person, you back off, and if you're a satirist who can't stop themselves, you keep pushing the envelope further and further. The thing is, what John Bararo has now done is he has thrown down the gauntlet of censorship in a way that can only be acknowledged by comedians and satirists and ignored by every free speech warrior in the

LNP and the IPA. And so it falls on us now to figure out what the next limit of of free speech will be most likely it'll be something like critical race here you're just discussing the possibility of race in a public forum and then that would cause a complete crackdown on our civil liberty sorry sammy i'm gonna have to stop you there we can't talk about that sort of thing yeah fair enough i i apologize profusely um in fact as i say this i see police go heading towards me right now well there's an empty cell on christmas island now that's right actually and it does need a new brown family to occupy it uh it's actually part of the contract we have with Christmas Island, otherwise the crabs takeover.

So what do you reckon? Do you think Australia will become a police state? Look, I think it's very bizarre, for example, that in Australia, I've always sounded very strange, that in Australia, a comedian or a satirist can be sued under the defamation law. In America, the right to satirize a public person is a fundamental right under free speech. In Australia, however, you make fun of someone, they can sue you under the defamation law. And one of the things that is universally the same across this entire country, we are not rich people, we cannot afford defamation lawyers. And the next time you call Peter Dutner Potato, he will take your court for it, most likely, and you will be shut down once and for all.

And that's a problem. And so this is not a surprise to me that, you know, a politician in New South Wales, a state famous for the corruption of its political class, is using the police as a prize. which sort of security force to beat up, you know, the producer of a YouTube channel. This isn't to say the friendly Jody is particularly funny, interesting, or worth watching at all. He's pretty much the Jordan Peterson of Australian comedy. But one of the things of free speech is you fight to the speech that you don't like, as hard as you fight to the speech you do like. So, therefore, it kind of does fall on us because we all know the next thing could be

that one of us to be arrested for, you know, caricatures of John Barilaro. I'm a bit upset at this point about what's going on because I think you've made me care about friendly Jordy's trust me that has been the most traumatising experience for all of us. None of us are happy about this. All right, well, if we must, if you'll be in the barricade alongside us

at the Friendly Geordy's trial, Sammy, I guess we'll have to be there as well. Thank you, Sammy. Thanks a lot. Thank you for calling the Reading, Writing Hotline. How can I help you? Hi, I'm just wording a press release for the Morrison government. I see. Now what happens to be the problem?

Well, we're just trying to pretend to release these kids from detention. Pretend to? Yeah, we're just moving them from a prison offshore to a detention centre onshore. Right. So detention is different to prison? Yeah, technically, in a sense. In what sense? In the sense that the community detention sounds less horrific than remote island prison. Right. So what does that got to do with us?

Well, you see, I'm trying to write a cleverly worded press release where it feels like we're doing a lot while actually we're doing the bare minimum. I just don't have the words for that. Okay, so you're worried that people can't understand your speeches. No, no, no, no. The problem is I'm worried someone might actually understand what we're saying. Well, why can't you just be honest? I'm not trying to lose my job here. Okay, can you read me the statement?

Okay, here's what I've got. We're bringing the Biluella family back to Australia. Family will still be in detention, visa not guaranteed, family deportation is extremely likely. Please see the Immigration Act for full terms and conditions. Sorry, I didn't quite catch that last bit. Oh, perfect. That's all I wanted to hear. Thanks for your help. The Chaser Report is brought to you by intergalactic lizards dressed as humans. Here's a word from our lizard overlords.

The Chaser Report. So, Gabby, you're the car guru of the team. You are from Bathurst, the home of the Bathurst, 1000. Apparently here, that's the only prerequisite for being a car guru. But are you actually a car guru? No. Do you drive a Ute? I drive a Holden Commodore.

Okay, so that's all in his own. Charles, I've got a bone to pick with you. What's all this about you getting a Tesla on the weekend and not letting us have a test drive? Yeah, I got a Tesla overnight. How come? You're not an influencer? Who do you know? I think it's actually a simpler explanation, which is that my son, who's 10, is

obsessed with Teslers, and he just kept emailing them about having a test drive until they went, yeah, you can have one. Although I'm surprised the fixated person unit hasn't been up. But anyway, so what was it like? It was amazing. And the most amazing thing about it is, I thought autopilot wasn't legal in Australia. Yeah, I thought it wasn't either. But it is, you can totally turn it on.

So is it that it's legal or is it that it just works? I don't know. Well, no, in Australia, you've got to, legally, you've got to have your hands on the steering wheel the whole time. So it just reminds you to occasionally put your hands on the steering. So you can't be passed out. No, no. Oh, damn.

I know. It's a real pity. So we tried it out. And the first time we tried it out, we were sort of maybe like 15K out of the city. And I turned it on and I told it where I live. And it basically drove us home. Really? Yes, including switching loads.

Like every time, you know, it needs to switch a lane or something like that, it asks you whether you want to do it. You have to press a button down to say yes. Sorry. about the indicators? So what I'm hearing is that Tesla's drive better than the average Sydney driver. Yeah, so yeah, it turns on the indicator and then it waits for the cars to sort of, you know, separate and then it ducks in like a human wood. It's sort of

extraordinary. It's so human-like, yeah. But yeah, much better than Sydney drivers. I mean, I thought that it was still quite dangerous and that people were still dying and having inquests and things. But I can believe it's a better driver than you, Charles. And here's the rub. It was very good the first time. And I actually raced home and said to my wife, you've got to see this.

So we got her out on the road. And we decided to go along this new freeway called the M8, which they've just built over everyone's houses. The mate. And I put on the autopilot, and I was sort of proudly there going, see, see, it works. It's amazing.

And the M8, it's this big tunnel. And they've got speed signs, you know, every a few hundred metres. 80 on. Yeah, the variable speed marker things. Yeah, the electronic LED lights.

Oh, no. So every time it came across one of these red speed limit signs it thought there was a red light there.

Oh, God. And it slowed and it stopped in the middle of this fucking freeway. In the middle of an 80 zone you just came to a complete stop. It was terrified

and it happened about five times. Fuck. And then, like, disengaged the autopilot. Drove out and got off the freeway, got out of the car, like leaped out of the car, and just went, I'm never fucking dropping that again. I imagine Christmas time for Tesla must be a wild one.

Like, don't you think, like, imagine, okay, Tesla's in Dublin. Yeah. A Rudolph's nose goes around the world and every Tesla just stops. Just car crashes out the wazoo, even more than like normal Christmas time. I'm just imagining Elon Musk's like spaceships. They're going to go all the way out of the Earth atmosphere. See the big red circle that's the sun and then stop. You're supposed to stop before the sun, though.

Yeah, actually, that's a good feature. It's probably good that they learn to do that. Otherwise, you're just going to be losing lots of money. Charles, before we go, this is a very exciting day for the Chaser report. I have been vaccinated. I have been vaccinated. We are fully vaccinated. Everyone in this office who matters has been fully vaccinated.

We could pash each other. We could pash anyone. We can just go and lick people's faces. It's absolutely fun. It's party time. Yep. But the other thing I was thinking, Charles, is we need to make some more money out of this business. I mean, Chase is always a bit strapped for cash.

Always, yes. I'm thinking Chase that Institute of Virology. I like it. Got a bunch of interns here. None of them have been vaccinated because they're young, yes. Yeah, yeah, they're very expendable. Okay. Why don't we develop a super hot variant of COVID?

Yes. The Chaser variant. Great marketing. Yeah, because then everyone would be talking about it. It would be like name recognition. Yeah, yeah. Actually, we've got some interns. Why don't we bring them in?

Hey, guys, we've decided we're going to pivot the chaser a little bit. About time. Yeah. It's been awful. Oh, no, sorry. I'm sorry. We're thinking biochemical lab coming up with some really hot COVID variants. Like, everyone would be talking about it.

What's our role in the pivot? Would I like a chief scientist? I mean, we would test it on ourselves, but we've been fully vaccinated. We've been fully vaccinated. So, unfortunately, we'll have to be the test. We're the guinea pigs. Yeah. is it just it's the same pay as before when we were actually because you're sick leave no no

but you can have life insurance but we're the beneficiaries oh i don't even have a super account you don't need one um yeah is this funny or is this um just exploitative and horrible whip the interms plenty of news available at chaser dot com.a you can follow us on all the socials the ticot in particular given that gabby's here the ticot is upsetting to say. You can just say TikTok. We said it on purpose because we're old and past it. It's hilarious, guys.

Yeah, no, keep going. Please leave us a five-star review mentioning the TikTok on an Apple podcast just to enrage, Gabby. Our Gehries, thanks to road microphones. We're part of the ACASC creator network. See ya.