The Chaser Report - QUEEN ELIZABETH DEAD - AGAIN!

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

Breaking news again as The Chaser Report strive to be the first outlet to bring you news of The Queen's death, which may or may not have happened yet. Meanwhile Aleksa brings you the sad and true story of Jean-Luc Brunel who has died under mysterious and non-coincidental circumstances. Plus the tale of an Olympic sport spoiled by one participating member getting frozen stiff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 23rd of February on this somber morning when the Queen may or may not be dead. We have to get this man a new audio bed to use. That's right. Charles, does this make you laugh? as much as you think it makes everybody else laugh. I think he just gets joy out of torturing us. I'm not laughing, Gabby.

This is serious. Oh, sorry. An old woman could be dead or could not be dead. Yeah, and it's not dying from something stupid like COVID. Oh, I know it is. It is. I just love it. She's dying from dysentery.

I just love it that Prince Charles killed the queen. Well, we'll have killed the queen if she's dead. Can he become a king if it's proven that he... No, I think there's a long tradition in. Oh right, of course. Sorry, I forgot how the fucking monarchy works. I was kind of confused. I wasn't expecting her to be on death store so soon. I thought Prince Andrew would be the one. He'd get like the Epstein treatment. Maybe she'll take the full for Prince Andrew on the way out.

Prince Andrew is also not a prince anymore, is he? He's just Andrew. Really? What? Didn't they take away his Royal Highness ship? I don't mean. What? For a little, for a little bit of pedophilia. Anyway, very sad that we're going to have to replace our $5 bills with any $5. $5 bills. I mean,

Charles, we don't have to replace them. Yes, we do. The money circulates. The bills are dead. No, no. And this is very important, everyone,

especially those who use cash, maybe older people in the audience, you should know that $5 bills immediately become invalid as soon as the queen dies because they've got the weight on them. Same with coins. So please hand in all your cash to us. Just cash.

Not for the chase of recycling. Yeah. And we were. We will deal with it. We will deliver it to the mint where it belongs. Yeah, we'll make sure that it gets appropriately and solemnly used in this very trying time. When the Queen may or may not be dead. No, don't join him.

Come on. I can't be in this by myself, Alexa. It's workplace bullying at this point. Oh, fuck. Coming up on the show, we're looking at somebody else who Epstein over the weekend. And also, of course, the natural topic of an Olympian's frozen penis. Yes. Very important.

Professional penis freezing. Speaking of frozen penises, let's go to Rebecca Day and Muno with the Chasted News headline. Now, how are you going to make that one work? Speaking of frozen penises, is Rebecca Taita Muno. She's going to have to have a headline that talks about dick, isn't she? Beck, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this. Sorry, that was horrible.

But here she is. As the Queen continues to struggle with COVID, her son, Prince Charles, has selflessly stepped up and suggested the idea of euthanising her majesty to put her out of her misery, claiming that it's clearly the humane thing to do. In response to the brave decision, former Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull

has called for the Prince to receive a knighthood. The PM has announced, a solution to the train labour crisis, which is to hire children to replace the highly skilled train drivers that the government won't let work. The New South Wales government assured the public that the kids would first receive extensive training, a whole morning of watching Thomas the tank engine and playing with a figure eight brio set. Vladimir Putin has deployed Russian peacekeeping troops into Ukraine in order to protect them from a Russian invasion. The Russian President claimed that he would be willing to give the Ukraine whatever protection they needed

so long as it didn't interrupt his invasion plans that he doesn't have. That's the latest headlines for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno and Charles, my penis is completely thawed out. Thank you very much. Alex, some very sad news happened in France over the weekend. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's always sad when a pedophile dies, as we all know. So was he actually a pet, what's his name? This is John Luke Brunel.

Look, I can't say he's a pedophile because he died mysteriously just before his trial. So we, I can't say, I don't know, who knows what he did. And who was he? So he was a model scout, like a fashion scout. He'd raise all these models, bring them into the limelight and also. Not a good thing to be while also doubling your time as a pedophile. Exactly. Well, that's, I mean, it goes hand in hand.

So he funneled hundreds of girls to Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, what? Yeah, that was... Oh, no. That was his job. That's really fucked up. And he used the cover of, oh, I'm a talent. Of course, yes.

Well, they all do, don't know. It's not even a cover, though, because the fashion industry is pretty... Yeah, it's fucked. Yeah, it's just, like, maybe slightly less pedophilia in the fashion industry than exists in Epstein's world. So he was on trial in France. I mean, he's been on trial lots of times. he had this fashion company in France

and in the late 80s they uncovered that he was drugging and sexually assaulting all these women and so they're like okay you're banned from fashion you can't do any more fashion in Europe just fashion yeah what not just life did he go to jail no no no of course he didn't it was the 80s it drugs and sexual assault all right in France do we just uh see

it is a fed worse than Jill, you are not allowed to be fashionable. It was an awful thing he's band. Sorry, real quick, when they make the biopic on this guy, I reckon you should audition, Jals. I shall audition, and I shall be devastated. That I cannot be fashionable. But what do you do when you're like a high-class rapist,

down on your luck? No one wants to give you a fashion job. What he did is that he went to the USA and some very generous man called Jeffrey Epstein just seemed to have unlimited money for this guy to start sourcing women. That's real fucking. And so he continued his fashion career,

but in the safety of the United States. He changed his name of the agency at the behest of Jeffrey Epstein. It was called MC2, and it's a reference to Einstein's E equals MC squared. It's like super nerdy, but Epstein kind of thought of himself as a bit of a science guy.

He funded these like bullshit kind of wacky science conventions where he was trying to work out how to preserve himself. He wanted to freeze his brain and freeze his dick. What? Yeah, that was Epstein's like death plan. I don't know if it's been put in action since he hung himself. But yeah, it was like kind of cryogenic. So then in 2000 years he could go out sexually assaulting aliens as a cyborg.

That is just the most egregiously masculine sentence I've ever heard. He wanted to freeze his brain. And what's the second most hierarchy organ in that list? Oh, yeah, my dick. The brain might have been second. He could have said Dick first and then, oh, also, whatever, the brain. Oh, fuck. Yeah, go on.

Wow. And so, like, so does that giant succeed? Just asking for a friend. Well, that's the tragedy of Epstein's death, you know. With him was buried all this knowledge that generations of men are going to be looking for. So Brunel, he had his office with Epstein where he was sourcing models, but he had another one in Kiev, in Ukraine. Now the very special thing about Epstein and I guess Brunel as well is that I guess alongside of being pedophiles are also racist in the sense that they wanted to prey on and exploit

these like women from the third world but they didn't particularly like women of color and it's like where else do you find poor white women to exploit and he found it in Eastern Europe and so like the vast majority of their women that they took were from you know Ukraine and other other countries. Imagine having the fucking audacity to be picky. You've already become the, like, just the scum of the earth. And then having the fucking ego to be like, but not that one. Yeah.

It's ridiculous. Horrific. Yeah, so this guy was going around doing his job. And then in 2019, when Epstein mysteriously hung himself in a maximum security prison, allegedly. This guy disappeared. Brunel went on the run, knowing where he was. Shocked. Obviously, because he was going to be next.

In December of 2020, the French authorities intercepted him on a plane to Senegal, which is probably where I would go as well. Yeah, and now he's been in prison this whole time awaiting his trial. And just before it happens, he does the Epstein. How did he die? It was a hanging. It was a hanging. It was exactly the same way.

He accidentally hanged himself in a Mexican security prison. That is chilling. It's just, it's. When, how far away was his trial? Um, it was, it was kind of like just starting, so, right, he's, yeah, so all, the hundreds of victims are like furious because they can't get any. Closure, yeah, it's horrible. And it's just, I mean, look, is there a suggestion that he was going to spill the beans, like?

No, I think that the whole time he was just claiming he was innocent. I mean, fuck. As far as I know, he was, he wasn't going to spill the beans. But, I mean, who knows? It's just, it makes you crazy, this kind of stuff. It makes you feel like an anti-vaxer 5G fares. It's like, there's no way these things are coincidental. It's just, it's so absurd.

Why don't we start a podcast and crack this wide open? I'm sure nobody else has done the podcast. Yeah, I'm sure no one's thought to report on this before. I think there was a podcast that I was following that did this, but then they mysteriously hung themselves. Allegedly. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often.

Like, so we've just been talking about Brunel and Epstein's desire to have a frozen deer. Well, that amongst the fact that he was also conspiring with a fucking pedophile. Yeah, and then, no, and now, I've just got on the list of what we're going to talk about. You're going to talk about an Olympian's frozen penis. What is going on? I'm sorry, yeah. You had just been somewhere else today. I've been having trouble researching things, and I've just been Googling frozen penis.

And this is... His stories just kept coming up. And you know on the tools you can put in like within the past week. Yeah. And I'm like, well, I guess that counts as news. And here's the second frozen penis story of the week. So what's the story? It's the Beijing Olympics, right?

It's this big, big skiing event. The Finnish skier by the name of Rennie Lindholm is competing. It was meant to be a 50km skiing race. God, long. Yeah, but because of fears of frostbite, the race was delayed by an hour and shortened to 30. kilometers so you know everything's going to be fine hang on they they actually changed the length of an Olympic event yeah just because they went oh the weather's a bit bad it's going to be too cold for

these poor people so people have been training for years according to one length and they just went nah no we can't be bothered doing that but i mean imagine if they did that with the marathon oh 26 miles that sounds a bit far it's a bit cold it's a bit muggy you're fucking relieved you're like i was going to sprint the whole thing jog up to the corner and back I mean, even with this shortening, they couldn't shorten it enough to avoid Remy's predicament. It was howling, freezing winds, and he was out there for an hour and 16 minutes. Oh, shit. And he froze his penis.

Was it out? I mean, that's what I assumed. And I looked for photos and I searched Remy Lindholm penis out. And no, it just doesn't exist. He was wearing... Thermals? Yeah. I mean, they just wear thermals and apparently, like, it's not enough protection.

I suppose the point is, because it is sort of exposed, isn't it? Like, there's nothing in front of... Yeah. You do ski penis first. That is the official Olympic protocol. The protocol. It's the method. And, you know, he's talking to the press conferences and he's explaining how horrible it was.

Like, because he needs heat packs to warm it back up. But if it says, like, as it starts to warm up, the pain is unbearable. Like, I guess blood rushing back to the penis. Oh, shit. Yeah. But the hilarious part of this story is it's not the first time. it's happened to Remy, he's, he had a race in Finland last year where he also froze his penis. No, Remi!

I just, there's something wrong with this man. Like, I just, it doesn't happen that much to anyone else. Surely, if it happened once, though, you'd be like, this was so fucked. I don't ever want to go through this again. I'm wearing socks on my dick. Speaking from experience, it's not, you take your penis for granted always, like. Oh, sorry, I forgot. I forgot we're in the room with the broken penis king.

Yeah, I broke my penis doing some serious high-risk, minimal reward. But surely you think you got back on that and you're like, I'm not going to do that again. No, you just do it again. You just as soon as you just forget that you're... Men are stupid. Yeah, I think. I've actually worked out what's going on. No.

Which is not doing that today. So we're checking with the queen? No. Oh! I wish I was fucking dead. Fucking freeze me. Okay. Over it.

Time of maybe death. Yeah, 315. Charles purposefully doesn't give us an HR person just so he can continuously make these jokes. Yeah, I know. There's nothing you can do about it. Yeah, there is a HR jar, but he doesn't fucking care about that. Yeah, what's the HR jar?

Do you know what the HR jar is? No, well, I saw that Cam has an HR jar. What does that mean? Every time there's a HR complaint, we write it down on a little post-it note, we put it in the jar. At the end of the month, Cam reads them all out, and the worst one has to shout around a drink. I thought Charles would read it out on the podcast and laugh at us.

Well, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. But, like, so the perpetrator to the HR. The person who created the, well, not wrote the complaint, but like the person who is mentioned in the worst complaint. Isn't that create terrible discord and disunity? Oh, that's perfect for the workplace. Yes, okay, this is what you want as an employer. Yeah.

Oh, okay. And it also means we don't have to hire actual HR. And also, it means they get a free beer. Unless the complaint is about you. Charles. Unlikely. You should just why. You should just make up, like, things that we've said to you.

Yeah, look, it's not exactly a foolproof system, is it? Anyway, this has gone too long for Paul Loughlin. Our gear. Wait, way, I think we might have some news. Oh, shit, we do. Oh, my God. Fuck off. I hate you both.

Our gear is from road microphones. These two are a part of the A-cast creator network. I'm a part of my own network called Get Through the Day. And yeah, you'll catch these two tomorrow, but not me. Fuck, fuck these guys. I'm over it. Fair enough. Yeah.

Oh, guys, I think the Queen might be dead.