The Chaser Report - QUEEN REALLY DEAD THIS TIME WE PROMISE

Episode Date: February 24, 2022

In order to find out if Queen Elizabeth II is dead or not Aleksa hatches a flawless plan. Meanwhile John shares why he has a newfound respect for Sky News. Plus our producer comes in and tells everybody off because he's allergic to fun. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday, the 25th of February. We've got a bit of an update on Royal Death Watch. Oh, this is the one. I want to believe you. I 100% believe it. All week we've been calling the Queen's death. But we've got an update from John Delmenico,

John, what is going on with the queen? Is she dead or not? Hi, as the Chase's fact checker, you asked me to see if the queen is at all alive. And so obviously I went to the American gossip magazine, Hollywood Unlocked. Yes, yes, she would. Yes, the millions of followers online. Yes, the famous residence of the queen.

And I realize I've made a big error in that on Wednesday, they announced the queen's death. They had a headline, exclusive Queen Elizabeth dead, and it said that she was just found dead. And that's all the information that they have. Wait, are they talking about it? Like Elizabeth I'm first? No, Elizabeth the second, I'm pretty sure.

But how do we know that that's not true? Like, maybe that's true. Well, I thought it was probably true, but then I found out within a couple hours, the royal family had claimed that she was still alive. They would say that, wouldn't it? Yeah, rude. But if she was still alive, then that website would have retracted the article immediately. Yeah.

And hours later, the article was still up. They're standing by their sources. I can't believe the new investigative journalist is actually at the Hollywood whatever, whatever. Unlocked. Thank you. Yeah, Hollywood Unlocked. Famously opaque city

where there is no news about what's going on inside. Well, it's clear that Palace claims one thing. Hollywood Unlocked claims another. It's a he said, she said, sort of moment, isn't it? I think we need to do our own research on this. Look, I mean, there's a lot of conflicting stories. It's hard to get to the truth.

But, like, we're a podcast, right? We investigate things. We should just take it upon ourselves to do a bit of sleuthing. I agree. Do our own research. It's a great idea. So I thought, like, obviously she's the queen, so she's staying in a hospital, right? And she's not the only one there.

There's people working there. There's nurses. I'm saying, why don't we just, like, ring up the hospital and be like, we can pretend that we're, like, someone important. Yeah. We'd be like, oh, we need this information on the queen. Where is she? Yeah. What room is she?

No. No, we are not doing that. Why not? No. Charles, it sounds like a stunt. No, that is a terrible idea. No, they're highly paid. They're telling us to come up with more stunts for weeks.

We finally bring you a foolproof stunt. You're all no, no, no. We are not doing that. Why? And you know exactly why. No, I don't have a baby. I have done media training on that exact prank. When you first start at Triple M, they sit you down for an hour and tell you that you're never allowed to do that ever again.

You're not allowed to prank call Royal Nurses. Oh. Oh, God. Why? Yeah, well, let's not even talk about it. I'll go back to pranking regular nurses. Coming up on the show, we're going to find out why John Del Menico is now pro-Sky News. Again.

I was wondering why your head was shaved. And now it all makes sense. I'm putting it together one by one. Also, a bit of a workplace issue, guys. One of these a week. I'm sick of it. We're having a bit of a debrief from our producer, Lachlan. Oh, shit.

We're actually in trouble. He's going to actually give us a bit of an assessment. I didn't sign up for assessments. The thing I love about this job is that I literally don't have to progress in any way. I'm happy with that. I've never done anything wrong. I look forward to it. Oh, yeah, good one. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Muno in the Chaser Newsroom.

Russian President Vladimir Putin has expressed relief after his boy toy Donald Trump announced his support for Russia invading Ukraine. Despite going through rough times together in the past, as well as Trump's public affairs with previous partners, Putin was flattered to see that he was the first partner that Trump had stayed loyal to. The same party that pooled funding for women's sport has claimed that trans athletes are hurting women's sports.

The latest push to ban trans people from competing in single-sex sporting leagues comes as an effort to even the playing field by banning 1% of players. Husbands around the country have walked in on their wives fawning over Anthony Albanese's sexy women's weekly photo. The leader of the opposition has posed for the front cover

of the magazine's latest issue, which included a saucy interview from Anthony himself, revealing his top five election promises to make in the bedroom. What? Those are the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. And does anyone have a spare copy of Women's Weekly? For a friend.

Now, John Delmenico, I never picked you as someone who would say that they are pro-Sky News. What is going on? Well, you guys know me. I only pay attention to media stuff when there's some good gossip going on. Classic. And there's been some great gossip over the last couple weeks. When the Sydney Morning Herald ran an article by senior journalist Chip LeGrand that when the chairman of the board of grilled, who's also one of their co-founders,

was reportedly being extorted for millions of dollars, with a fake video of him smoking crack. Yes. Oh, ice was in Thailand. Yeah. We covered it in the podcast earlier in the week. So, Shari, um, so the allegation came out that Sheree Markson called him and asked for statements about it

the day that he didn't make a payment. And then after that, Shri Markson, the host, a Sky News host and a writer for the Australian came out with this article. And most of the article is spent explaining that a CEO and the chairman of a board would never do a drug. And therefore, this guy has, like, done something completely unprecedented and it's horrible. And it was quite a weird case, wasn't it? Because the total amount that this CEO had been extorted was, like, $12,000 or $14,000 or something.

Yeah. Over the course of several years. What? And then Sheree Markson somehow got that information, but almost used it to extort the grilled CEO to make a comment or something. It was such a weird case. Yeah, so he claimed that they up the price. to like into the millions and he just didn't pay it and then he straight away got a call from St. Markson

which is obviously a very big allegation for the Sydney Morning Herald to run and one you'd want to make sure it's a hundred percent factual. Yes, you would definitely. I thought you assumed they were all doing crack. Like it's, it makes you so fast. Like how do you do business? And also psychopathic.

Like it would make you more focused on yourself. I wouldn't invest in a business unless the CEO was doing crack. Yeah, that's how you work here. Yeah, exactly. Well, while there's a whole debate between journalists going on about whether or not you should use an extortionist as a source. Classic.

Of course. Yeah. We do. Do they teach that in media ethics? In the media training we've never received, yeah. There was one slight hiccup that came out very recently when the Australian brought out, pulled up an old listing for a house that he recently bought and proved that the video had taken place in his bedroom, which means it had to have happened last year.

right right because it's the same room as in listing which means that sheree marxen was correct in saying that it happened last year and then it wasn't in Thailand and that it wasn't edited to change anything and that there was no extent and she also alleged there was no extortion effort at all this is a normal news because

sheree marxon has never been correct about anything this is amazing this is like a clock you know a broken clock is rice twider's guy yeah well yeah at this point I was super interested because like this is this is a senior journalist at the Sydney Morning Herald losing the journalistic integrity high ground to the woman who still claims that coronavirus is a hoaxed bioweapon by China maybe or everything that Sherey Marxon says is true that's what I'm trying to think because and then journalists from

other newspapers trying to figure out what's going on have since tried to reach out to the see the former CEO and his response he said that she can say whatever she's going to say he is not going to clarify anything and that he'll not talk about it anymore and just wants to move on with his life. I feel like he's not clarifying anything is covering for the fact that when she called him, all he was saying

was like, I've got spiders all over me. Like she accused him of faking an extortion story and he's just like, well, okay, let's move on. That's your truth. I've got my own truth. And then the Sydney Morning Herald have released an article, essentially saying that oh whoopsie guys we got this one wrong we accused sky news of lying wow but they also still

haven't retracted the original article so they've put out an article acknowledging that it's completely false there was no truth behind it at all and that it was just a misguided source so wait a minute wait a minute what is that video then like if it's not an extortion video is it just he take a selfie of him smoking crack and give it to shirid max that's that's that's the part And he go, oops, I shouldn't have done that. I thought Shreimarsen was doing crack with him, obviously, because look at what she writes, and then she filmed it herself. Yes.

I mean, maybe he filmed it because he was high on crack, so therefore he didn't think about that it could be a bad idea to film it and send it to someone. It might have just been a prop. Just for legal purposes, we should probably also state some other counterfeituals, like, or hypotheses. Well, maybe it's, yeah, it is a prop for, like, a new marketing campaign. And he's like, all our burgers are vegetarian. You must think I'm high on crack, but no, it's real.

I love it. Wait a minute, are all their burgers vegetarian? They're moving to an all-vegan menu. What? Oh, that's why he should resign. Not the fucking ice pipe. I mean, if they put ice in the burgers, I'd be down. I think they put ice in their drinks.

Oh, sorry. Good one. The Chaser Report. Now with Extra Whispers. Now, our wonderful producer, whom we all love and respect a lot, don't we, Alexa and Gabby? Why'd you look to me when you said Alexa? Hey, Lachlan, you're looking big. You're looking produced.

Lockland, you're looking like a supermodel. Actually, thanks for noticing. I did get a haircut. Hair cut. Yeah, that'll do it. All men look better with a hair cut. He's come in to give us some feedback on the week. And Lachlan, share us your wisdom.

So that you don't have to spend the next five minutes sucking up, no one's in trouble. Oh, thank fuck. I was really hate it. that act. Oh, my God. I actually think he's so bad. I've just got some tips for improving the podcast and I thought I'd share them with everyone. Well, this sounds like criticism.

It's not criticism. It's just general help and it's a few like happy community announcements as well. So like the first one is it's a real positive to start on. Our soft serve gate segment was received extremely well in the last week. You guys remember we actually got sent soft serves. Yeah, that was lovely. That was lovely. It was even lovely when we thought it was Charles actually acting in a way that

you know a nice boss wouldn't then he very quickly shut it down and said no fuck the lot of you and that made me sad but apart from that it was a great softs no it's funny because it was actually delivered by door dash yeah some anonymous person no not anonymous so so so right a big shout out to amalie thompson for sending us those softsales thanks emily thank you so much but i i was tempted because the door dash delivery went to my mobile phone ride and it said oh it's downstairs and i really was tempted to just reject and say No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I was really tempted.

Because I don't think you deserve soft serve yet. Oh, yeah. What do we have to do? Jump through a fucking hoop for you, a literal hoot? I think it's a C-suite type of thing. It definitely did undermine Charles's authority. Like I think a lot less of him since we got soft-served. Yeah, and now that we know Emily is the person who sent them,

Emily, there's a CEO position going. I think we'd be happy to work under you. And if anyone else wants to send us stuff, make sure you don't go through Charles's door dash. contact us. We are easily contactable. And how do we get contacted? No, we don't have... No, phone number is 04-34-302-9-7-8-6-7.

04-2-4-4-34. Gabby, yours? I'm not fucking giving my fucking number. I'm a woman. That'll be dangerous, Gary. Gabbies is 0419-282-18. No, it's not. That's Charles is fine.

If you want to send dick pics to Gabby, send them to me, and then I'll show them. that's a different type of soft serve is it oh yeah oh see emily this is why we need you to you know what i'm going to have to bring i'll get to that i'll get to that oh this is a multifaceted meeting next next next point this one's not criticism but it is responding to listener feedback we're going to have to stop the queen thing like i know you guys did it for this morning we're going to have to stop doing that no oh fuck we don't know whether she's dead or alive it's it's such a good music bed lock Wanted. Dead or not dead.

It's an incredible music bed. I know we've put so much effort into it, Charles. Unfortunately, because of our listener split where we have 50% young listeners and 50% 45-year-old or middle-aged women, the middle-aged women really hate it. Oh, really? Yeah, they really aren't proud of this. Queen is dead bit. I'm sorry, Mom. I really am sorry.

My mom listens to this podcast and she loves it. Cool me to be like, yeah, fuck it. I think there's a good compromise here, right? We can keep doing it. All that has happened is the queen just has to die. And then we're not doing anything bad. We murder the queen. You know what?

I don't want to get arrested for treason. So I'm going to let you guys sort of make the decision there. No one actually gets arrested for treason anymore, Loughlin. I'm just going to tell you, I'm not on the side of the monarchy. I'm just going to tell you guys what our listeners. I mean, Sam Desdiari actually committed treason. And he didn't get arrested for treason. So I think, yeah, we're pretty safe.

Okay, well, if you guys think we're safe, I might, I'll take that off my next week's producer notes. Okay, my third and final one, this is a bit awkward. Okay. Guys, we need to stop talking about penises. What? What? We don't even talk about them that much.

We don't even talk about them that much. We don't, we don't talk about, I mean, there's a little, sorry. We talk about Alexis a lot, but that's because he keeps bringing it up. Can I get a general consensus? Alex, do you think we talk about penises a lot or not much? Not enough. Not enough, Charles? Well, I think...

The issue is not so much Talking about penises, but maybe we don't talk about vaginas enough. That is true. We need balance. Yeah, I've got heaps of vagina stories. Yes. You know what?

If you guys don't think we talk about penises too much, take a listen to this. Oh no. I don't want proof. Frozen penises. Frozen penis. Yes. Professional penis freezing.

Speaking of frozen penises. Talks about dick. He wants to freeze his brain and freeze his dick. Oh yeah, my dick. He could have said dick first. Desired him. have the frozen dick. Googling frozen penis.

Frozen penis. What is going on? Frozen penis. Who's the culprit of all the freezing penises? His dick is... Frozen penises. An epidemic of frozen dicks. You do ski penis first.

Oh, my dick's cold. Remy Lindholm, penis out and he froze his penis. Blood rushing back to the penis. Oh no. I've frozen my dick again. Where he also froze his penis. I can't use my penis today. You know, suffered from erectile dysfunction.

I'm wearing socks on my dick. That's a simulated owner. I forgot wearing a... the room with the broken penis king I broke my penis in getting a frozen penis you take your penis for granted always and Charles

my penis is completely thawed out thank you very much okay you guys you know that's even more fucked about that was that just from this way I need to say that was one episode of our podcast

I'm proud of us honestly that was commitment to the bit I love that Alex's line was, I don't think we'd talk about Pegasus. I'm not doing a compilation of this episode, but let's just maybe

tone it down just just a bit. Well, you heard it from Lachlan, more vagina. Yeah, more for it. We promise that from next week, it's going to be vagina's vagina's vagina's vagina.

Fuck yeah. It's my time to shine. I've got a actually very good vagina story. Of course you do. The man and the office wants to mansplained vagina stories. Let me tell you, I think I'll do about breaking a vagina, okay. Our gear is from penis microphones, and we are part of the vagina network.

I'm going to see if a rational fear are hiring. Catch you next week. More like a rational penis. Am I right? Oh, we are baseless comedians.