The Chaser Report - Queuing for K-Mart

Episode Date: October 29, 2020

To celebrate the liberation of Melbourne, we cross to a man drinking in a park – David Milner. Also, Nina gets burgled, we visit the world's strangest retirement community and Charles is a business idiot again. Oh and also, Nina died.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and joining me today are Dom Knight. Hello. And for the very last time, Nina Oyama.

Hey! Hello, I'm 27. Nina, no, we're very sad. This is your final show. Why are you leaving again? I don't know. You can have some sort of excuse. Oh, because I just got, I got something on.

Have to go and do some stuff that is a real thing. You don't have anything on, do you? No, I do. I do. I'm not, I definitely not going to quit soaking smoke a week. and drink all day and not worry about this. You've got a better work offer than hanging out with a bunch of guys in their mid-40s who are fairly darky.

Is that really true? I'm leaving to work on a kids show. So you know how I was complaining about you guys being old? I finally found my people, young people, who make shows for kids. Right. And are you included in the kids? Like, is it four people your age? Yeah, I have the mental age of a child.

So it's a bunch of four-year-olds and me. No, but I did. I'm not allowed to talk about it. this hasn't been announced yet, but it is real. It's real. Do I tell you, um, after I got fired from that podcast, the other podcast, yeah, the one based on my life. I did an audition for a character who picks their nose all the time and I got the role. Oh, right. So that's the role. So that's the role. You're playing a person who picks their nose all the time. Yeah, I'm playing that person. I've never actually picked my nose because I'm very clean. So that's what I'm

rather than be on this podcast. Yeah. I mean, it's a really full time demanding job. I'm doing a lot of method acting, and my nostrils are real sore and, you know, how it gets being into acting piss. Now, I should mention that we are going to get to Melbourne being out of lockdown. Yes, we're crossing to Melbourne very shortly. Yes, for a live-ish update. It was live when we recorded it with the man who is out enjoying Melbourne and then tasting the freedom.

But Nina, this week has not just been all about career success. You have had just a horrible time, haven't you? Yeah, I got robbed. My house got broken into while I was asleep. While you were asleep. Yeah, well, I was asleep at 4 a.m. It got broken into by, I don't know, there are these people that cracked our sunroom back door open

with a, what's it called, a screwdriver. And when we woke up, like our back doors were all open, a bunch of stuff was stolen, and there was candle wax everywhere. Candle wax. So they were like really, really sort of Renaissance thieves. Yeah, either that, or they were just these fucking junkies. But our theory is that, because our house is quite dark,

and we don't turn on lights because we're trying to save money and the environment. But we basically think that they lit a candle and then like took it around the house to try and see what they could steal. But they were really shaky. So there was like wax just everywhere. Because of all the meth, right. Yeah. And so we followed the wax around the house to see what they took.

And nobody woke up? No, apparently one of my housemates heard shuffling, but he, because there were six people in the house at the time. Yeah, right. He was like, I was probably just one of this many people that live here. I mean, I'm kind of torn about the wax because on the one hand, it wouldn't have kind of working everyone up with a torch beam. On the other hand, you can't see shit in a room going to be walking around with a candle.

And on the third hand, maybe it's really romantic to go robbing by candlelight. Actually, that's true. Maybe it was a couple. Yeah, maybe they were having their first, like, meth date. I don't know. I can't fault them. But they didn't pick up that much stuff. I think they got like a laptop and some speakers.

And so again, the shortcomings of the candle method of the effect. It really doesn't work. even though my $400 USB mic was right there on the table where they stole a bunch of stuff from, they didn't take it. They had one hand held in the candle too. They couldn't have taken more than one hand's worth. That's true. But truly my most expensive item was right in front of them and they didn't care about

me. So, and I'm the only woman that lives in my house. So it was an act of misogyny for them not to also rob me to. Well, but maybe they are fans of the podcast. Maybe they are like, look, we can't take Yamah's legendary blue Yeti podcasting, Mike. Maybe. but I highly doubted it. But anyway, after they came the next day,

we got like our house like dusted for fingerprints. Yeah. And apparently they'd broken in like a bunch of houses down our street and the next street as well. Are we calling them the candlelight bandits yet? I like that. The candlelight bandits. Because I've had a break in as well many years ago now.

Okay, no bragging. I didn't realize it's a competition. Yeah, but the fingerprint dust goes fucking everywhere, right? Like, it's annoying enough that you've been broken into, but you've got these smudges over every surface. It's like soot being everywhere. Yeah, it's fucking bullshit. The other thing that sucks as well as we had a broken fridge for three weeks

and our fridge, it just would beep. Like every two hours it would be like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And like someone at 3 a.m. Every night would have to get up and turn it off. And often it would be me because I, like, my room is next to the kitchen. And the day of the robbery, we got our fridge fixed. Oh.

And we have this theory that if we never fixed our fridge, it would have gone beep-b-b-b-b-b-b-b and scared the robbers off Or one of us would have gotten up, caught him. Yes. And been strong enough to. You would have gotten up, caught them. They would have murdered you. And the fridge saved your life.

Or you would have gotten up, looked at the rubber across a candlelight and gone, Look how beautiful. But surely it's the fridge repair person that's to blame. Yes, it's an inside job. It's inside job. Who is in the house? Is there anyone to suspect? There was one of the boys in my house did have a girl over that we had not met.

A new girl. I've seen the series about that with Zoe to Chanel. That's very suspicious. It's the perils of living with a soft boy. Do you know what a soft boy is? It's like a sensitive guy that gets girls because you're so sensitive and nice. Oh, that's like me except for the getting girls bit. Right, okay.

And so there was a new person in the house. Yeah, so we have all these jokes that she stole all the shit. But I don't think she did. But do we, maybe it's a reality and not a joke? I don't think so, man. The candle was pretty insane. But maybe. I mean, so Emily, if you're listening to this podcast, we are going to swap Cram's Room for fingerprints.

And candles. Well, should we get on with the show? Hell yeah. I have another terrible story coming up. Have you got another tale of woe? I've got a tale of woe. Is it another failed business? It sort of is.

This is becoming the theme of the podcast. This is supposed to be a topical news podcast, not opposite of the barefoot investor. But let's go to Rebegaday and a minnow in the Chaser Newsroom. A Halloween party has ended in disaster after a man took the scary costume theme too far. With partygoers already extra nervous due to the pandemic, the man in question left many guests traumatised

after not only foregoing a traditional Halloween mask, but not wearing any mask at all. Home Affairs Minister and part-time potato Peter Dutton has today accidentally won scariest monster at the Parliament House Halloween Party despite not wearing a costume. Dutton reportedly only dropped by to ask Gomo for more anti-protester water cannon funding for the federal police

when the horrified judges immediately handed Peter the prize. The traditional owners of Jaburang country have expressed surprise after the Victorian government took issue with their plan to demolish a church that they want to put a road through. Indigenous leaders said they didn't understand why people were so upset about knocking down churches. It was the only possible way known to create faster highways.

That's the latest Chaser News. Check outchaser.com.com.com for more updates. Thanks, Beck. And Beck, this is Nina's last show. Do you want to say anything to her? Oh, it's all right. I'm speaking at her farewell party tomorrow night. What farewell party?

Yeah, Nina, what farewell party? Oh, yeah, sorry, guys. We couldn't invite you too many people. It's a COVID thing. What are you talking about? There's only four people on this whole podcast. Oh, yeah. I'll see you tomorrow night, Nina.

Yeah, really looking forward to it. Bring as many friends as you like. We'll do. Oh, come on. Nina. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. Chaser Report is brought to you by Kmart guided tours.

Yeah, that's right, Nina. In Melbourne, you've got to actually booked to go into Kmart. That's how popular it is. What? A Kmart. might. Yeah, come for the ambience, stay because it's impossible to find the exit. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. But of course the biggest news this week is that Melbourne is finally out of lockdown. Yay! You did it, Victoria! And if there's one man who's really given

voice to what Melbourneians have been going through after all these weeks, I think it's 16 weeks of lockdown, something like that? Yeah, seven months, Charles. seven freaking months. Oh, yeah, so it's way more than 16 months. Yeah, the longest in the world, apparently. Yeah, well, talking of longest in the world, we're going to talk to the voice of Melbourne himself. I hate that.

I'm sorry, that's the worst intro. Is Neil Mitchell on the podcast? Isn't he your cousin? He's my cousin. That's just real strange. Is anyone besides you calling him the voice of Melbourne is my question? Yes, everyone. Is anyone besides you calling him the longest in the world?

Like, is he really tall? You obviously don't come from Melbourne Because if you'd come from Melbourne You would know that David Milner is the voice of Melbourne No, that's Joe Hilda brand No, it's really not It's really not We've got it, team rug

Because he's my cousin I've got his phone number Let's call him and ask him What it's like to be in Melbourne Hello, hello, David Hello! This is Charles You're on air This is a, what is it called?

The Chaser Report. Yeah, to the extent that the podcast can be on air. How are you, David? I am a bit drunk. I'm good, though. I'm very good. Hello, David. So what have you been doing?

What has been your day since, you know, lockdown ended? I worked for you. You know that. Oh, that's right. Oh, that's right. This is cross-promotion for the shot website. Yeah, that's right. It's blatant, isn't it?

It's cross-promotion for whatever his dodgy ventures are. What I say, David, your articles were fantastic. Like, they really just gave a sense of what you're all going through. Funny, emotional. You must feel bizarre being out on the street after all this. It's so strange. I've seen, I mean, people have, cafes have chairs out the front now and people are sitting in them.

And that is the trippiest thing. Right. But yeah, the rest of the day, I'm currently in a park. I've got up with friends that I haven't seen since. February maybe March and that was just a very nice moment so yeah we're sort of lapping it up I guess What's your attitude towards Daniel Andrews?

I think I have the attitude towards him that most people he do that the hotel quarantine thing was obviously a bit of a fuck-up but after that happened the only sensible solution was to just get on board with this lockdown and suck it up and do it properly

despite everyone trying to ruin it for us and we did and that took remarkable courage on our part but also on his part really as well we had zero cases yesterday and that's amazing that was incredible but I mean I want to pay tribute though to Peter Credlin the work that she did

fixing Melbourne I think it was pretty much for her that Brock got you to this point so shout out to Peter she's a hero and and Rachel Baxendale and all of them have not made this worse at all, not by any means. So who was the worst person during the pandemic out of everyone? The worst, the single biggest dickhead, I think, was probably Kim Smith.

Yes, of course. Tim Smith is not the leader of the Victorian Liberal Party, but he's the only one everyone's ever heard of because he kept doing very stupid shit. I mean, the donuts, the donuts that were supposed to spell 800, for the people who died, but actually were a cock and balls. I mean... It went extremely viral. And I got mentioned in my first ever news cop story

because I responded to him and said, Tim, that looks like a donut penis. You need to get better at this. And we got donut dicks, hashtag donut dicks trending yesterday. Which is more recognisable than the rest of Victorian liberals, given the stats I've seen. No, that's exactly right. But that's just one of many things.

In, I think it was April, he tried to. kill all the bats in the botanical gardens just because of coronavirus. That was his attempt at a wedge. Yeah, he did. He tried to round up a posse to kill all the fucking bats to make life difficult for the Victorian government in the middle of a pandemic. This is the caliber of this man.

Did he throw donuts at them? What did he do? I don't know what he was thinking. He just thought, this would get him some attention. This would make things difficult. And the remarkable thing, if anything good has come out of this little period, It's that Milburnians are so over bullshit and stunts, and everyone is calling them on it.

And I think that's actually quite a nice positive. I mean, yeah, no beers for news went crazy yesterday on Tuesday. I just put a little thing about it, and it got like thousands of things. Just any mention of that, it seemed like Victorians were your best friend. And did anyone from News have beers today? Can you report on that? I don't think they're showing their face around town, to be perfectly honest. I wasn't looking for them

but the vibe was that they were not welcome and it was quite nice Monday night was my fuck actually I don't know whether it was Monday whatever day that you're locked down is announced good end time does not matter here anymore that's the other thing you guys need to be aware of but yeah when Daniel Andrews announced the lockdown was ending

there's a very weird isolated piss up online and that hashtag trended all night because it felt like that organization was not on this city side the entire time. Yeah. And that includes Alan Jones, doesn't it? Because he's got a Sky News.

Sure, now, we've got to give him a tip of the hat for what he said today on Sky News. What did he say today? Didn't he say that Daniel Andrews has unlocked down too much and that it's all going to break out again? Didn't he criticise the... What do these people want? What do they actually, it doesn't make sense. Well, we know what Andrew Bolt wants, which is no multiculturalism except for people with his ancestry.

He's been extraordinary. I'm surprised he hasn't been run out of town on a rail. Well, I mean, he would have been, but we're not actually allowed to leave town. So do you think the reason why Melbourne was so successful at getting rid of the coronavirus is because they clamp down on multiculturalism? Is that your take as well?

You were taking me grossly out of context. I will not answer this question. No, no, it was Peter Creadlin's hard work. It's right. And so, and, like, have you made a booking to go to Kmart yet? I haven't. I actually, I do need new underwear, which seems to be what's driving the bookings. No, the thing about that is that we've literally,

the most fun thing we've been legally allowed to do for basically the last eight months. is go to the park. And that's all we've been doing. Have you taken a picture of your food yet? Because I've noticed a lot of Melbourneians are uploading pictures of their food at a restaurant, which is something usually I would not be happy with. I would be like, this is so long.

It's so 2004. But after seeing about 10 shitties from a Melbourne pub, I was like, you know what? They can have it. Freedom fries. I actually did. I just heard of my breakfast this morning. I went to a cafe.

And I'm the same. I never do that. But I was like, This is amazing. I have a post egg. I have developed like a bit of an addiction to like packages. Like I just like on-dline shopping and getting sent packages. But I feel like now like you're in Melbourne, you know that thing that like if your dad gets, sorry, if your dad catches you smoking cigarettes, he makes you smoke like a whole pack at once. I feel like that is that what's happened with you? Is this a way to cure a package addiction? I'm so, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I need to go to a real shop.

I've been buying weird shit. Part of it is, like, I have, my lockdown experience has been through the prison while the two-year-old that's a bit insane. And we haven't had playgrounds. Is that an actual two-year-old or you just have the personality of one? No, fair question. I have an actual two-year-old.

And for such a long time, the playgrounds were closed and the pools and every, and grandma wasn't available and all these things, you know, that things that are good for two-year-olds were just illegal. And so I've just been ordering fucking, transformers and Lego and the males actually have been quite

exciting for the last four months. It's kept me sane but my God, I just want to go into a normal shot. So you're on the beer. Are you on the beers tonight or did you go up higher on the shelf? I am on the beers. I don't have a shelf.

You have to go to Kmart to get that. But you've surely got to slam Daniel Andrews for, you know, posting that photo of the whiskey. Isn't that a bit? And I did look into that, and that was such a concocted outrage. It was so blatant. It was as blatant as Tim Smith's stupid stuff, because that was a bottle of Starwood Whiskey, which is a Melbourne distillery about 7Ks from where I live.

And it wasn't really that expensive. It was like a $70 bottle. That's all right. I mean, how much does a whiskey bottle, what, it's 25? Usually more than 70 bucks. That's bargain. That's came out pricing. Did he have to make a booking to get it?

I'm sure he didn't. I would have to. West Coast cooler would cost more than that. Because a West Coast cooler would be like, what, $3 per standard dream. Okay, let's stop talking about whiskey because Charles is going to get some ideas about what his next scam is to be.

Yeah, yeah, first sweat. I'm just saying, in terms of bang for buck, alcohol content, a dollar, it's not that much more than a slab of eBay, to be perfectly honest. Well, look, thank you for all your articles. on the shot.net.a.u during the lockdown, explaining what it feels like, which gave me a real sense of just how heart-breaking it was,

and made me really happy that I wasn't in Melbourne. So thank you, David. We're glad you weren't in Melbourne as well, don't think. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Now, Charles and Nina, we're going to have a largely Trump-free week for a change on the podcast this week before, before the big election. Special next week that we're really excited about, which is probably why you left us. But anyway, this week, Donald Trump did visit a very strange place. I want to talk about it. It's in Florida, and it's strange even by Florida standards. Was it Disneyland? No, even more strange than Disneyland. And I

want to tell you all about it in this week's... Chaser Travel. Exploring all the places we're not allowed to go. This week, we're heading to a place called The Villages. Have a Listen. It's a little slice of paradise. Sunshine and golf galore. Their neighbors stroll the old town square. And the good life is in store. The Villages.

Welcome to Florida's friendliest hometown, The Villages. It's the Villages. Wow. It sounds like a sitcom stuff. wearing Bob Saget. I actually imagine. It sounds like a B-side from the Book of Mormon. Yeah, yeah, no.

Some reason I imagined that that ad would exist on YouTube. And I looked it up and it was exactly as I thought like kind of a sort of family ties era, cheesy thing. That's what it is. The Villagers is a retirement community. And it's a place where everyone goes on the campaign trail. So every, particularly Republican candidates, Trump went there last time. He went there this time to give a big speech.

Is this? But any chance, North. of Orlando in Florida? It's very near... It's 45 minutes away from Orlando. North? I'm not sure. I probably.

I think I've been there. I think I've driven past us. You probably have, Charles. Is this where the village people retired to? You probably have been there, Charles, because it is absolutely massive, right? You know, there's a lot of retirees in Florida? It's the whole cliche, everyone who's down from New York or whatever.

Guess how many people live in the villages? I don't know, like 50,000 does me? 500 people 120,000 people live in the villages so it's the size of I don't know Melbourne or something well the actual area is the size of Manhattan

but it's just insanely huge and the thing is they're all over 55 like everyone in this place is over 55 so you guys would fit in perfectly that's why I'm telling Charles about this so we can book our place young people sort of people below 19 are allowed to visit for a maximum of 30 days a year and they've got to check in with a pass so charles as a father of young children who wouldn't

be allowed to go there are you tempted i think this is a great idea i think at least young people like as soon as i turn 55 i'm out of you know like the kids can just look after themselves and the thing i love about this too is like so many parents rely on the grandparents to help out but all the people who've moved to the village are kind of like ah you can have a month that's all Just one month then, you're on your own. For much the past decade, the Villagers was the fastest growing, like, postcode area in the whole of the US. 20 people moving every single day.

And for all the different villages, all the different areas, there are 12 districts quite like the movie, the Hunger Games. Guess how they all get around the residents of the villages? They have to fight each other to the death, just like the Hunger Games. There's a cage match. On Zimmerframes, electric zimmer frames. Close. Segways.

Golf. Carts, guys. Golf carts. Wow. And you know what? When the president went there, he knew his audience. Hello, Florida. It's great to be with you and back at the villagers. I like the villages. And I see you driving around in those beautiful golf carts, the most beautiful carts. I want to get one. I'm going to get a golf cart like that, but you have the best. And you're always fighting for me and I'm always fighting for you and I appreciate it. That's why we're here. So he knows his crowd. It's all about the golf carts and it's quite crazy. When you see photos of the villages like outside every shop, the only car parks are golf cart

car parks. They have special golf cart bridges over all the freeways in the area. There's golf cart freeways. Yeah. No, no. There's regular freeways and then there's golf cart bridges over the top and there's a tunnel underneath. Hang on. That's like, I can, if you drive from Sydney to Newcastle, they have those like, um, little bridges for the possums. Yes. But it's like that for golf carts, for old people, yeah. And people even get special golf carts because like 35 grand and are made to look like like a hammer or a Mercedes or something like that.

And at one point, the villagers set a world record for the most golf carts in a parade, 3,371. What? This sounds like actual heaven. I thought you can go to heaven before you die and mix the villages. I can't work out if it's heaven or heaven. hell. Like, it's sort of a little bit from column eight, a little bit from Colin B. Oh, come on. You hate walking. You'd love it.

Oh, that's true. But here's the other selling point of the villagers. There is a lot of golf. Do you want to say, guess how many holes of golf there are across the hole of the villages? How many holes you can actually play? 18. 693. That's what I was going to guess. You just cut me off. They've got like, I think they've got 12, like 27 or 18 whole courses and 42 nine-hole courses. So it's pretty crazy. I mean, how much do you guys actually like golf? Like, I'm not really a golfer.

That wouldn't do much for me. I'm not a golfer, but I would learn to love it if I lived in the villages. They'd probably have the beer pipe to each hole, I'd imagine. There's a lot of other stuff you can do too. You can go fishing, kayaking, you can canoe. There's a softball soccer. There's a thing called pickle ball. Have you ever heard of pickle ball?

Is that like if you use a pickle as a ball? It's kind of like this weird little small tennis with like bats and a very low net. It's kind of like lame tennis. Are you working for big the villagers because I feel like I feel like you've picked up on Charles's little scammer vibes.

I feel like you've been sent here to tell us how good it is back at the villages. This probably violate some sort of, you know, advertising standard. Hi, I'm down night for the villagers. Look, it's not all a good picture. Let me give me some more information. Another big hobby in the villages.

Is getting coronavirus. That's absolutely. Absolutely true. They've had a huge spike in cases. Hell, yes. There, because it's in Florida. And Trump's rally had lots of people without masks. So they get ready for a lot more.

But the other hobby that they had that I was going to get to is sex. The New York Post called the villagers. Oh, no. The geriatrics who are seriously getting it on. Oh, yeah. I'm buying my tickets to Florida, baby. And couples have apparently been busted having cookies in the back of the golf cart. And there's black market Viagra everywhere throughout the villages.

And as a result of all of this fun in the sun down in Florida, there's been a huge increase in STDs in recent years. The Orlando Sentinel said there was a 71% increase in cases of syphilis and chlamydia in the villages. So there you go. I'm not surprised at all. Well, they didn't get the safe sex message, right? Well, why would they need to?

They're too old to have a baby. But they're not too old to get AIDS. So there's been cases of HIV. seriously. So there's someone put out a video called Senudetting, older, wiser and safer to try and combat this. But that's not the only weird thing about the villages, all the shagging. There are all these historical plaques around the villages, like for instance talking about

Native American attacks back in the day, epidemic, shipping accidents. There's even a plaque about a guy who built a lighthouse on a lake and insisted that he be called the Commodore for the rest of his life. The strange thing about this, it's entirely made up. You always walk around this space, there's parks everywhere. The entire thing was just invented by the people who run the villagers. Good copywriting.

Yeah, apparently a bunch of them, like, had beers and just came up with all this stuff. Like, there was once a historical, like, telegraph station here. There was nothing. It was an orchard. And then someone built a caravan park and then started building all this village of stuff. I love it. That's amazing. Harold Schwartz and his son, H. Gary Moore.

So this guy became a billionaire out of selling the village. And this is the other thing that's a little bit dodgy about the villages. The same people, the Morses, they've built and sold the houses. They own the mortgage company. They own the bank, the hospital, the utilities, the Garbo's, and the TV station, the radio station, and the newspaper. Oh, my God. So they, like, control the media?

Yeah. Wow. Again, quite a lot like The Hunger Games. And the newspaper has never published about all these sinkholes that open up throughout the villages because they're taking all the warder out of the ground to water the golf courses. So I don't know, what do you think now?

Is it a paradise or a nightmare? It's so American. I can't, it's like living in the Sims, like sinkholes opening up everywhere, no knowing why, like this is... Yeah, so he became a billionaire of this guy, H. Gary Morris, and the IRS, as a result,

spent nearly a decade investigating all the tax breaks that they've... Well, surely he created his own tax system for his own little country. But really, with an incredibly long and detailed tax investigation, endless golf and endless shagging scenes. I mean, it's not surprising that Donald Trump likes to visit. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. The Chaser Report is brought to you by Kmart Guided Tours, available in Melbourne now.

Have you booked in for a guided tour of Kmart, Nina? No freaking way, man. I live in Sydney. Kmart is a free country. Well, you've heard about it on Facebook and now experience Kmart first hand. Gaze in wonder at how T-shirts could be that. sheep. It's the child labour in Bangladesh, that's why. Good hack.

The Chaser report. More news. Less often. I've got a real disaster. Oh, no. A genuine disaster, and it is worse, it is far worse than the disaster I told you about last week. Okay, so to recap, you had the towels.

Oh, yeah. From, like, months before, the old scomo joke. Then you had the $40. Yeah, the $8,000 rolls of, $49. toilet paper. There were $57 and it aren't going to come until well after Christmas. And there are four rolls of toilet paper and they're going to be left in the rain? Yeah.

So are you saying that this is worse in those two disasters? Way, way worse. This is financial ruin. This is why you're not leaving the podcast. So at the beginning of the week, I received an email. There's one email from a week. woman who had received a piece of merchandise that I've been selling, which is during the budget, do you remember, you know, the government went from pretending that this was going

to be, you know, surplus this year. Yeah, back in black, yeah. And they actually sold mugs last year saying back in black. Yeah, even though they weren't. And so we'd put up for sale, these mugs that crossed out the back in black, the black part, and they'd back in a huge fucking deficit, right? Oh, very funny. Yeah, really timely.

And it went very viral and we sold several hundred. So you were back in black. I was the first time in a long time. Exactly. So but this woman emailed me and she went, look, my mug is just arrived. The handle's broken. Can you send me out a new one? Right.

And I am smart, right, because I had. Are you? That's a really questionable statement there, Charles. I had prepared for this. contingency, like I printed a few hundred mugs, but I'd left two aside for this exact scenario, which is a couple of, you know, a couple of mugs in case one got broken, right? Sure, so I just ship her another one. I emailed our dispatch people said, you know, just send her out one of the spare ones.

It'll be all fine. The next day, I wake up at about, I don't know, like 6.30 or something of that. And there's already been about three or four more emails of people overnight who've said, oh, my mug arrived, it's broken, can I get a replacement? So you're in a mug deficit. I'm now in a mug deficit. You're back in the red, mug-wise. Mug-red.

Mug-red, okay. And over the course of the morning and then the day, it turned from dozens to literally hundreds of people. every single mug I've fucking sent out it would seem or just completely smash you should see some photos of them like so I said you know

can you please send me a photo just because I can see and then it's like and some of them are just ruined like they're just a hundred bits I mean Charles I don't take this wrong way but if I had receive one of those mugs from you, I would be very tempted to be like, who

yeah, it's it. Yeah, so, um, anyway, so I talked to the guy who, um, who got me on to this. He said, you know, the mug broker. Why don't you do, why don't you do some mugs? I used to do mugs. Yeah, yeah. You know what he said? I said, because they whole shat him. That's what he said. He said, oh, yeah, yeah, because I said, oh, I've had a few He said, yeah, that's what I stopped selling. Yeah, yeah, that's a no problem inherits a mugs. Wow. So, Charles, hundreds of mugs shattered.

Would you say that you're in the red? I'm definitely in the red. So, but I did. But can you get a refund from the company or anything? Like, is there any way that? I talked to the mug manufacturer and they said. You asked them to stop drop kicking it into people's houses. They said that they would line me up with a good.

good deal on my second run of muck. Yeah. So that's good. Well, Charles, it's a pretty simple solution here. All you need to do is take the second round of mugs, wrap them in toilet paper, and they're ready to be to get a giant beech towel. They won't break. And they'll cost about $500.

It'll be like a merch to duckin. No, but I did get one email this afternoon from a woman who had received it in one piece. Wow. Do you know why she was emailing? She wanted to return it because she didn't like it. No, it's because her son had dropped it. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.

The Chaser Report. This week's Chaser Report is brought to you by Kmart Tours Open and incredibly popular in Melbourne right now. Well, you know what they say. What do they say? They say, well, you've tried Disneyland, tried Universal Studios, you've tried the Empire State Building. Now try Kmart.

the closest thing to Disneyland, currently open in Melbourne, because standards are low. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. Well, that's it for the final episode where we have Nina O'Yama here. Oh, wait a minute. There's like breaking news. Nina's staying? Am I saying? No, no, we got big.

Posters have confidently declared. that Joe Biden will definitely win the election, citing all zero polls that correctly predicted the result of the last election. One pollster said that the victory prediction was made using the same state-of-the-art computer that was used to run the 2016 Australian census. It has a lengthy track record, which includes predicting that Brexit would fail, Boris would get the boot, and Bill Shorton would be Prime Minister. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali, who is now free. He's in Melbourne and he's free And we asked him

What he had done today And he said he went to a bookstore Nerd Nerd Nerd And then we forced him to drink a beer With us Yes

Thank you Mike But on the bright side He's not abandoning us Nina Ayama I'm not I just I'm busy Yeah so we should

Are we going to do Sort of in memoriam Are we going to do An immemorial for Nina I think you should I think it would be the kind way to go. But look, Nina, it has been very special having you with us, and we just wanted to say farewell in the most appropriate manner possible.

Valet, Nina Oyama, co-host of the Chaser Report podcast from 2020 until 2020. Nina was the best host out of all of us. She was strong and smart and extremely cool. I once saw her do a kickflip on a skateboard all while eating of bowl. of Luxa. She did not spill a drop. One time I encountered some scary guys on the train and Nina beat them all up and then made a funny TikTok meme about how dumb those guys were. Not only that, she was really great at writing her own in memoriam scripts for us to read.

And good at podcasting. Really great. Like the best. And we are so sad that she is dead. Guys, I'm not dead. I'm actually right here. We wish her family well Guys Shut up, Nina We know you're not dead

You're just dead to us What, why? Because you're leaving us To work on a fucking TV show Sorry! Anyway, out, get out of here You quit, remember? Out!

Okay, see you guys round RIP Nina Ayama Gone too soon Hey, can I steal a beer On the way yet? No, get out of here Thank you.