The Chaser Report - Reading Putin's Shopping List

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

Turns out that Charles is actually something of a genuine expert on Russia's future plans for world domination, so Dom puts him to the test to find out what our olanet is going to look like under Putin's command. Plus, some classic A-List material on Adelaide. Read Charles' news.com article here:https://www.news.com.au/world/europe/1990s-manifesto-outlining-russias-plans-is-starting-to-come-true/news-story/343a27c71077b87668f1aa783d03032cFind tickets to WANKERNOMICS here:https://wankernomics.com/liveWatch OPTICS on ABC iview here:https://iview.abc.net.au/show/opticsCheck out more Chaser headlines here:https://www.instagram.com/chaserwar/?hl=enGive us money:https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I'm so excited to be speaking to you in Adelaide. I'm not in Adelaide. I'm in Sydney. You're in Adelaide. And I'm just wondering how many people have come up to you and giving you a hard time about

some of your recent comments on the podcast about Adelaide. Have ticket sales for Wankanomics tanks? It's funny you'd ask, because I was trying to brain. You know how, if you're a professional comedian, you've got to have, like, local references. I'm familiar with that because I've heard professional comedians commenting on this, not because I myself am one. And so I was trying to write some local references this morning. And I said, how about, you know, like, oh, just driving in Adelaide. It's very flat, isn't it?

And the person who's from Adelaide went, no, I wouldn't say that. And it's like, why not? It is flat. It is very flat. Yeah, but it's just not a thing that people say. Well, it's just normal. It's normal to them. And the Adelaide Hills, which is really a sort of slight undulation in the landscape.

But I remember thinking that. They're Adelaide. I mean, they're not hills. They're sort of more road bumps. It's the Adelaide road bumps. I've got a slogan for you, actually, after the Adelaide. We are going to get on to Vladimir Putin and NATO, former NATO commander's predictions for what he'll do next, if not checked.

But before we do that, let's keep talking about Adelaide after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.Ca.

Maybe what you need. This is free content for you for Wankanomics. You know how there's a trend in marketing for people to find words with inside other words? It's like put me in Melbourne kind of thing. or Parameda, they've very big on at, like they're at in Parameda. What about get laid in Adelaide? Oh, I love it.

I love it. The word laid is there. And that's not the image we normally associate with Adelaide. No. Sort of sexy, open, fun sort of. Unless people bring their own assumptions about Adelaide and think it's a place you can go and sleep. There are lots of churches in Adelaide.

The notorious thing about Adelaide's churches, But has it sold well? Have you just ruined your own ticket sales there? No, it's selling fine. It's good. We've already sold out Friday night's show. We'll sell out most of it. In fact, if you want a ticket, go to Wanganomics.com right now

because you're at risk of missing out. And if people have just heard this podcast and have absolutely no interest in hearing from either of you, how do they request a refund? Oh, that's a good question. We do occasionally get asked for refunds. By the way, like, we don't have any sex jokes in our show, by the way. But somebody did write to us saying, do you have any sex jokes in your show this year? Really?

Because they wanted them or because they didn't want to bring their kids? No, they were Christians. Right. Well, they'll love your gear about the city of churches. Like you're here on the churches. Which, Loughlin may cut out. If only Loughlin's halfway smarty, we'll cut out the thing you said to avoid you destroying your own career.

It's up to you, Lachlan, really. Charles's career is in your hands. If you didn't hear Charles make a terrible joke about a minute and a half ago, assume I produced a Lachlan's done his job. Okay, so Charles, this is one of those glass half full or glass half empty type stories because Vladimir Putin

if not, if we don't act now, and this is from the sun. This is like the Rupert Murdoch filtered view of all this. They went to talk to some former NATO commanders about what Vladimir Putin's likely to do next. And they've got a wonderful prediction here. The year

2027, Putin's basically invading much of Eastern Europe. So we're talking, is it Poland? Because Poland said that they were going to get some nuclear bombs. No, not. Poland, not yet, it seems, by 2020. So basically, what happens is they're...

Because that's sort of like the reverse Hitler card. Oh, yes. Pulling, if you got Poland, it would be like an Uno reverse Hitler card. Wild draw four. Yeah, well, there's four countries that... So it is kind of like that. Oh, okay. What are they?

What are they? Okay, so the starting point of this is he's declared victory in Ukraine. He does a deal with Zelensky. He gets quite a lot of Ukraine and then installs his puppets in Moldova, Georgia, and Romania through re-delection. So that's the start of all this. But I thought he already had puppets in, at least Romania. Yeah, well, in some of these places, but this is where the puppets are going in. So if you're interested in being a puppet for Putin, by the way, apparently now has a time to sit in your CV.

and then we go from there and this is basically Europe and the Canadian allies have got to cope without the US is the theory because NATO is kind of done so yeah basically having sorted those places out he wants the rest of Ukraine and he looks at NATO and next NATO is done so I'm going to do the Baltics so we get into Estonia we start getting into Maripol's history in Ukraine by now and he just keeps rolling through the Baltics. And then NATO's, some of these countries are, the Baltics. Oh, and at this point, then he starts going in through Poland and Romania and basically takes out NATO's eastern flank.

And he's actually at this point attacking NATO countries. Does he touch Finland at all? Or is Finland too hard? Too hard basket. I don't think he goes to Finland, but Estonia, Lithuania and Latvia, all of which have Russian-speaking cities, I think, in them. And they're listed here. He'd only like taking all the Russian-speaking cities.

Well, I suppose that that seems fair. I just think it's a little bit boring, to be honest. Would you say fair, fair the word you'd use? Or would you say likely? Well, if he's going to do it, he's got to do it quickly, right? Because, what, in 10 years, Europe will have rearmed, right? And it'll be a fair fight. So it does make sense to do it sooner rather than later.

Like if you're gaming it out I'm not saying he should do I'm just saying that's probably is what's going to happen I'm just being realistic The upside is if you're not in a Russian-speaking city you're probably okay What do you mean?

He's mostly Well there's apparently a bit like The east of Ukraine There's lots of other places Where there's large Russian-speaking populations And that's what he sort of wants He wants to restore the Soviet Union basically So he gets all these things

The good news is that they're saying here that yeah eventually Europe will be able to rearm they've got a lot more money eventually and then what can happen is with the entire sort of blessing of the entire world

Germany can then invade Poland oh you think to take it back yeah to take it back for the forces of good quite unquote yeah because by then the AFD will be in charge and Germany will have a huge military and they'll end

They had Poland. What's that quote about history repeating? It's like that it echoes. Those who do not understand history are doing to repeat it. I think that's this podcast really. Because you know what? We've done, Charles. We've once again, we're looking for an interesting and not depressing story just to talk about it.

That was the start of our conversation. And this is not that, I'm afraid. No, no, no. I think this is fine. I think where we wanted to take it was where should rush him back. Because I feel like that's all a bit boring. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's sort of like what you'd expect Putin to do.

Let's just take an ad break then and ponder if he was to be a bit more unpredictable, what he would do. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.com.

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. So first of all, the first thing is China. Oh, interesting. I think the whole point is, and I wrote a piece that's widely-sized steel to this day about this exact idea, right? I really want it. Put it in the show notes, Charles. I challenge that one.

Put it in the show notes. Is it for the shot or was it for? No, it was for fucking news.com.com. That's why I'm references. Very, very, very. Hang on, let me just see if I can find it. Widely referenced. Putin has, it gets repeated all the time.

I wrote it back in like 2017 or something. Yes, you did. 2017. Oh, this is so funny. There is a playbook that, this is true. This is a serious article. Putin is following. That was written in the mid-1990s.

And it goes through and basically is a game plan where it goes, well, what we've got to do if we want to take over the world is we want to, Britain, we want to split Europe, so we want Britain to sort of want to leave Europe. Let's try and create a Brexit-style situation. How have we not talked about this, Charles? This is actually quite credible. And you've done more than a thousand episodes of this podcast. And at no point have you mentioned the one time you actually did some research into something. So if you want to find this article, it's called 1990s manifesto outlining Russia's plans starting to come true. And I haven't read the whole thing yet,

but my favourite thing about it is that the final line is Charles Firth majored in economic, social science. It's it to university. They basically win. We've got to give you some sort of creditor. That's fantastic. Comedian and... You don't...

Are you right? Editor at the Chaser Quarterly, which sounds like a legitimate journal even though we know this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, and then they said, let's get rid of England from Europe. Like, let's encourage a sort of... secessionist movement from Europe in England.

So Brexit, yeah, Brexit. So that tick, they did that? Yeah, absolutely. Then they went in 1997. The Achilles Hill of America is their sort of white supremacy racism. That's like an ultra-nationalist white supremacist president is the thing that will bring America down. So we need to encourage sort of white, you know, racist movements into mainstream politics. Yes, and to support isolationist politics.

Yeah, yeah. And then they went with China, what we're going to do is make sure that they, because they're sort of unstoppable, but what we can do is we can make sure that their realm is to the south. Yeah, yeah, to the Indo-Pacific, not to Europe. So basically leave Europe to Russia. Yeah, which is the Eurasian mainland too, right? Yes, too, which is exactly what Russia very successfully did suggest to China. And so they sort of started taking over the South China Sea and going down into the Asia Pacific area.

Anyway, point is, we should start doing the same thing back to Russia. So we should start saying to Russia, hey, why don't you go and fight China and everything like that? Like if you're going to get into this sort of 19th century style, sort of isolationist, mercantilist, sovereignist, weird sort of set of great power relationships where everything's just a little item on a chessboard. Like, there's no such thing as human beings, according to Trump's, you know, and Putin's worldview. It's just like, who has the power? I only have to speak to them. Well, it's worth...

Who cares about human beings? Well, I mean, it's certainly we, the reason for America potentially going into Ukraine still is mineral deposits. It's certainly nothing to do with the Ukrainian people. But those poor mineral deposits, if not liberated, that could be very sad for human rights. Yes, exactly. And look, and I think actually the one person... in the entire Western world that understands what's going on, especially with Trump, is Zelensky, right?

Like he's sort of got the measure of Putin, even though he's sort of losing that war now. He sort of has had to face someone who comes from that worldview. And what just continues to amaze me is how, you know, like the point about those sorts of dealings, like the minerals deposit. Like, do you actually think the minerals deposit? deal that Trump says he wants to do with Zelensky was ever going to happen? Do you ever, do you think that that was a real offer? I've heard so many views on this.

And I mean, it's clear that if Donald Trump was going to do any sort of deal, it does make sense that the one thing he could make, that can make him care about American being involved in, America being involved in Ukraine is mineral deposits to buttress against China for their tech industry. That does make sense Trump would care about that. But then I've also heard people say, but there's not very much there at order.

At least it'd be very hard to get out. So it's kind of a pious guy thing. But more to the point, he'd have to go up against Russia to get them. They're all behind Russian-controlled territory. And the one thing that he doesn't want to do is interrupt Russia. Like, he believes in realms. And he's sort of abandoned Europe to Russia anyway. It's basically said you just fight it out amongst yourselves.

Charles. You're forgetting it two days ago, Donald Trump said. He was strongly considering sanctions and tariffs on Russia, if they didn't stop the war. So I think that's egg in your face. If you think Donald Trump's think goots with Vladimir Putin, or I don't know, a puppet of Putin. So I just think we in the West need to start thinking a little bit more sneakily about...

So we need to push Russian long-term strategy. This is getting a very astring this episode. Into various directions. Yeah, into China. But then also, like, let's mop up the countries that we personally don't like in that sort of thing. Like, I'm just saying, like, New Zealand is there. You want to see New Zealand becoming a Russian satellite. Yes, I think that would be hilarious.

Well, I mean, it's quite possible that all the kleptocrats and billionaires from Russia wouldn't mind New Zealand passports in much the same way that all the other rich billionaires who've basically amassed lots of improper wealth around the world. They all want to go to New Zealand. Yes. It's clearly a valuable passport. And then I think there's sort of, there's other countries in the world where, you go, look, I don't really have anything against them, but they are a bit annoying.

You know what I mean? Like, the French, for example. Like, I just, if they ended up Russia controlled, you'd sort of go, it's a pity, I'll miss the croissants and everything like that. But all the good French bakers will probably flee Paris at that point anyway, and we can take them in. And then we get rid of the French. And the Belgium, the Belgians, I mean, surely we can give.

Maybe that's the deal is Ukraine goes to Europe, but Russia gets Belgium. The headquarters of the EU. That would be fascinating to see if that would happen. I'm just saying we've got to think more laterally. I think everyone's sort of thinking in old-style rules-based, you know, liberal order. You're viewing things very much from a sort of traditional old-style diplomacy to carve-up the world map type thing. What about carving up cyberspace? What about carving up crypto?

Yes. What about the moon? Like, give Putin something really different to do. What about seeding him like the Arctic? I mean, you can't have Alaska, can't he? Or what a bit, you know, if we're doing about cyberspace, you know, dividing up the internet. So Putin gets, I don't know, A to K of Wikipedia and the West gets L to Z. You know what I reckon he can have crypto?

You can have the whole of crypto. I'm fine with that. I reckon it's already used for money laundering and organized crime. Let's just stop pretending there's any legitimate kind of future of finance type thing going on there. Just give the whole thing to Putin. If you'd pull out of all the physical territory, I reckon that's a fair deal. Donald Trump might be on board with that too. I reckon he can have email.

Probably what he does. Between him and the Chinese. It was just Russian controlled. Yeah, we couldn't use it. Yeah, we could just use text messages. That'd be much better. Yeah, exactly. Secure text messages.

Yeah. This is sounding promising. We've got to use this, you know, everyone's saying, oh, this is a real problem. It's an opportunity. It is. Make a deal. Every crisis breeds an opportunity. I don't want to give him any country.

I don't want him to have nation states. I want him to have other. I mean, why can't Russia put their energies into something that's truly worthwhile? They're so old-fashioned. Why don't they take over Disney, for instance? Imagine if Russia owned Disney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a really, would be a far more successful influence peddling operation than I would have said

theirs was before the return of Donald Trump, admittedly. Maybe we should be learning Maybe we should be learning from Russia rather than trying to change the direction Maybe we should be more like Russia Yeah and maybe Because just going in that exact direction I think Channel 7

I'd hand over channel 10 I'd probably get rid of In fact they can have You can have the free days I think what we need you to do Charles Is go away And use that economic social science degree of yours To come up with a blueprint

For Russia's next 20 years of domination On the internet in space Can they have the Earth's core Oh, I like that, yes. They get something that sounds really cool, but... Literally the hottest thing imaginable, yes. Yeah, but it's not really actually that useful. What about the sun?

I can have some of the sun. Just get them interested. Just get them off Ukraine as a concept. You know what he can have? He can have Elon Musk's children, because Elon Musk doesn't want any of his sons. That's it. Give him Tesla and SpaceX. Oh, yes.

Just give him Elon. Give him Elon. Oh, yes, that's the deal If he doesn't already own that asset You get Elon. Oh, that's it. We've solved the... That's the deal.

This is the kind of searing geopolitical analysis you only get A from this podcast or B from anybody with an economic social science degree writing for news.com today. It's quite a good article actually, Charles. I'm presently surprised. We are part of the Iconicalist network and we're going to, tomorrow we're going to actually play the shot podcast.

You've got to do your economics show. Stay tuned for that. Yeah, right, so I'll put the shot up. Good luck. Chugas for Wenconomics in Adelaide, assuming that it's not cancelled due to the comments made earlier in this podcast. It is very flat, though. Adelaide's very flat.

And so will your jokes be. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.