The Chaser Report - Release The Coldplay Files

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

Charles and Dom are back from their break where they enjoyed spending time with their HR managers at various concerts. Thankfully for their careers, they know how to act when the Jumbotron points at them. ---VOTE OPTICS FOR A LOGIE: https://vote.tvweeklogies.com.au/Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome back to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Yes, we're back after two weeks of school holiday leave. That's the new system. I think it's been a very good system. We have, though, done weekend updates. So for the paying subscribers, and it really is a trivial amount,

it's actually a huge amount in this tough cost-a-living time, but usually a trivially amount. We have done the longer weekend episodes where Charles solves major problems, and they've actually been surprisingly good. I've enjoyed them. So check those out. We're halfway through solving global capitalism. Yeah, more than 50% in terms of the amount of solutions found, I think, at this stage.

But Charles, we should begin after these ads by catching up on the major news stories of the past two weeks doing a quick recap of what really matters. I presume we're talking global events. We're talking probably Middle East, Ukraine. APEC, you know, Albows, Visit to China, that sort of thing. Is that what you're doing? That's that sort of thing. There's certainly a major crisis and a drama and a tale for our times, a cautionary tale, I think, for us all.

It involves Jumbotrons and it'll be after this. So, Charles, back in my youth, I don't know, when I was, let's just say, I took risks. I was a partier. I went out and raged and did things that, you know, probably a little bit of shame. of in hindsight. I actually went to a cold play concert. I went to Splendor in the grass. I know I was up there was all hippie. It was, I didn't go for cold play, but as they were on, I mean, Kanye West, I think, was on at the same time. And that's aged even more dangerous than this. But Charles, nobody during the whole period of my time at the cold play concert, nobody focused a camera on me in the crowd

to see me canoodling, someone I shouldn't have been canoodling on the kiss cam. Now, that may have been because I wasn't canoodling anybody, as per my standard behaviour at concerts for much of my younger years. Nevertheless, Charles, what a terrible risk. Not only if you've got to put up with Coldplay's music, but there's a chance that you're illicit affair with your head of HR will be exposed to the world. This is one of these things which makes me go, Shakespeare was right. Yeah, so right. Shakespeare never allowed jumbotrons at his performances.

Because, and I'm sure this is the general reaction from the rest of the world. I mean, this is the hot take that I'm pretty sure entertainment tonight in the US has picked up and TMZ and all those outlets. But the first thought I had on seeing that was if they hadn't looked as guilty as fuck, then they probably would have just got away with it. Nobody would have gone, like that moment wouldn't have gone viral on TikTok if it had just been two people canoodling on the Jumbo Trom. Chris Martin would have gone, oh wow, that's amazing. They must be truly in love. of the next thing. Yeah, if they just done nothing, you're so right, Charles.

And it's got to, we've got to point out. I think this underscores the lack of shamelessness in our senior executives. Yeah, that's a problem. I think what we're seeing is this CEO has clearly had some sort of moral framework and the head of HR clearly had some level of modicum of shame that meant they clearly weren't cut out for the job. I'm glad that the guy has been sacked from, from astronomers.

Andy Cohen, the CEO's now out the door. He's quit, yep. He's quit, yep. And I think that that's not because he got caught, but because he got himself caught by having some sort of moral framework. We don't want that in a CEO. No, and he clearly wasn't fit for the job.

The head of HR, though, the person who's very job it is to tell you not to sleep with your co-workers, she apparently is still in the job, I think. I'm not entirely sure, but you're absolutely right, Charles. Their behaviour, when the Jumbotron hit them, the sort of, immediate break apart and looking really embarrassed. It was so obvious they were having an affair that Chris Martin picked up on it. Do you know how blatant and obvious something has to be for Chris Martin? Like this is a man who is a total avoid of irony, a man who presumably when Gwyneth Paltrow suggested

that they call their kid Apple, he went, yeah, yeah, that's a really cool idea. Like he seems so lovely, but the man, let's just say, he's not going to pick up even on the slightest subtlety of anything and he went oh oh either they're really shy or they're having an affair it's like Chris Martin noticed oh my god but it does it's hamlet isn't it like remember that that scene where you know the uncle storms out because he feels guilty yes yes and and they know oh my god he must have killed that's the that's that's that's why this is just pure shakespeare yeah so I mean if you're going to have an affair that's right and you go to a cold play concert with your squeeze and that's not a good idea it can't be an enjoyable bit on the

side if you're going to go to cold play but you know i heard a rumor online it might be untrue but the guy who bought the tickets for them like he was an employee yeah he got sacked as well oh really yes was that just because um buying someone tickets to cold play is workplace harassment yeah actually that's a fair call that's actually it completely crosses the line yeah it's a sackable offence. The CEO got into the office. You know, look, I went to the Coldplay concert. Sure, I'm in a bit of shit.

But what sort of music? Yeah, the real village here is the person who exposed me to sky full of stars. That's right. Yeah. And that's why they need the head of HR because the level of disciplining required for that poor employer. I mean, you'd be on report and probation and all that, wouldn't you? So that's the main lesson for anyone considering infidelity.

There are cameras everywhere. happened apparently in Sydney, Olivia Rodrigo, had a concert and she asked two people to kiss and the guy went, it's my sister. I mean, you can't go to a concert with anyone you don't want to have to patch, Charles. Yeah. What they should have done, and I've seen this done online, so I'm not saying this is original and everything like that. The other suggestion was that he was just giving her the Heimlich maneuver. Oh yeah, that's good because his hands were in the right place. Yes. Yeah, that would have worked. So that's my hot tip

If you're ever going to some sort of terrible concert With somebody you're not supposed to be And you're hugging and you get caught I mean Just pretend it was the hymling man Yeah that's a good point We're at the Big Bash last summer You and I Charles

And they do the kiss camera Were we cano-I don't remember canoe No no there was no But if the camera had gone on us Yes And we've been You know The whoever it was going kiss

Kiss kiss Well the pressure would have been intense Oh it would have been palpable It would have been powerful. So you've got to be very careful going to any of these big events with the Jumbotron. It's not so... But I love...

Did you see the statement from the CEO? Because he gave this sort of, let's say, half-filled apology. Not so much heartfelt, but half-filled apology, saying that he'd let down his wife. Yeah, and his values and he's all shit, yeah. But then he sort of blamed cold play.

Yeah, the real villains in the piece. The real villains of the piece are, you know, you can't go anywhere. you can't, with your squeeze, with your side piece, without being exposed. I know, it's very hard, isn't it? It's, um... But this is coming from the CEO of a data company, a data mining company. Yes, yes, that's right.

Oh, it was a real invasion of privacy, was it? Yeah, the data analytics. So, no, hang on. Yeah, I haven't seen this story. So Alex Cohen, they're saying that, yeah, getting sacked for, for, um, the events team. Apparently, no, it's not true. No, I think that the problem is everything. But most things that you've heard about this story

are just japes online from people going, oh, I just got to say. Yeah, the employee wasn't a real employee. I'm an employee of astronomer. Which I think is actually sensible, Charles, if you think about it, because no one who was actually an employee of astronomer would mention it on social media.

No. They're quite embarrassing at this point in time. Actually, it's worth reading the homepage of astronomy. Have you looked up the astronomer? No, I'm looking at it now. I'd never heard of it. I was wondering, what the hell do they do, right? I've never heard of this company

And everyone's saying this famous New York tech company You're going, it's not that famous, I've never heard it. It's apparently the best place to run Apache Airflow-registered trademark to data ops. But listen to the front page. Astronomer empowers data teams to bring mission-critical software analytics and AI to life. And you just know that they added and AI in the last year. Yeah, that was never part of their original sales pitch. And then Astro accelerates building reliable data.

products that are unlock insights, unleash AI value, and power data-driven applications. You, having read the sum total of the front page of Astronomer, Dom, do you know what they do? Yeah, they accelerate pipeline development with local development and CICD integration, secure testing environment, 1600 plus pre-built integrations, and flexible authoring through notebooks YML and more. Nobody knows what they do. So that's the real scandal is that it's not a real company.

They don't do actual things that exist. Well, I think they're one of those companies that sells you. The idea that if you hire them, you'll somehow, you know more than if you don't. Like, it plays on the fears of executive. You're not knowing what astronomy is. It's sort of the emperor's new clothes. It's sort of selling them this sort of beautiful gown that's actually thin air and saying to CEOs, if you don't buy our product, you won't be data driven enough.

Although, Charles, this actually gives me an idea, and possibly for a new business direction, for astronomer. They really want to take things to the next level. I'm happy to consult on this. I think what they need is an AI that can scan the Jumbotron and work out they fucking or not. And, you know, are they having it quickly go and look online and work out? Because everyone immediately worked out who they were, that they were having an affair. Like that was almost instantaneous.

The AI could have pre-screened the people on the Jumbotron and either chosen people who were definitely together and there was no embarrassment or better yet. extorted the people having an affair in the crowd. That's what I'd like to see. That's a very palanteer business. Yeah, yeah. That's a real astronomer looking through the telescope. I mean, an astronomer, you're not going to tell me everyone who's got a telescope.

They use that to purve on their neighbours, don't they? That's what they do. I don't have a telescope, but maybe I'll get one. Data-driven proving. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. So that's one big story from. at the time when we're away. We haven't got much time left to cover the other things.

I mean, I guess Jeffrey Epstein blowing up in the face of Donald Trump repeatedly. I hadn't heard about that, Dom. Yeah, no, it's not quite as salacious as two people coming. And the one thing you don't want Jeffrey Epstein to do is blow up in your face. Like, I can do you now. Yeah, I said that thought I was. There's a lot of testimony. Yeah.

Yeah. And the missing three minutes of footage is fascinating. I mean, I read the most fascinating analysis of that. And it was with receipts as well. Which was that it's not necessarily three minutes that's missing. Because that's sort of, they're saying at the end of the thing, that's the wide magazine piece, which is really good. You've looked into this in detail, I haven't.

Because one of the things that the wide piece actually points out is that it has been exported twice in Adobe Queen Air. Oh, yes, that's right. That looks at the metadata. Yeah. But the analysis I read pointed out that there are, there's just this constant slight speed up. So every second of that video, according to the timestamp,

you know, you know how there's sort of 60 seconds in a minute. They've actually sped it up slightly so there's even more missing. They've sped it up slightly, so they've got to spare seven minutes at the end. So it's basically 59 and a half minutes per 60 minutes or something. It's like that. And then, so they sort of bank seven minutes, which they can then subtly using sort of of AI techniques to cut it out. This is another parable for our times.

Like the Coldplay, they're very much linked. The Coldplay one, there's cameras everywhere. You can be exposed. And in the case of Geoffrey Epstein, when there are cameras everywhere, you might get caught if you do your extrajudicial killing. I mean, back in the day, it would have been very easy to slip into a cell and make someone look like they'd kill themselves.

Well, isn't the point that even with cameras everywhere, you can get away with it? Well, but have they? because the great thing about this is Donald Trump. Yes, I think they have. He's dead. Donald Trump has recruited, but are all the people on the list getting lower with it? Because Trump's recruited an army of people who believe there are paedophiles everywhere. Now, admittedly, in the Q&N conspiracy, it was Donald Trump who was supposed to lead the charge against the paedophiles,

rather than being the sort of chief paedophile himself, which seems to be what below suggesting. That letter is that he sued the Wall Street Journal over is the Christmas card thing or the birthday card It sounds very incriminating, doesn't it? Yeah, with the sketch of the boobies and stuff. Yeah, and the signature is the pubic hair, my God. And the signature has always looked a bit like pubic hair, to be fair. The funniest detail of that was Trump's initial denial of it was, through his staff, was Donald Trump has never sketched in his life.

He doesn't do drawings, right? And then the New York Times the next day had this beautiful article entitled, in response to Epstein report, Trump says he doesn't draw pictures. Which sounds plausible. But many of his sketches sold at auction. Right, that was the headline. And the whole article, it's worth looking up,

is just a litany of sketch after sketch after sketch. Of boobies? Donald Trump has not just sketched, but then signed and sold at auction exactly around the time that this Christmas card was written to Geoffrey episode. No, birthday card was written to Geoffrey Epis. Amazing. And it's so funny because. Like, there's sort of sketch,

he's actually not necessarily that bad at sketching. Is he better than George Bush? He probably is as an artist. It's a bit like, it's a bit soulless. It's a bit like Adolf Hitler's sketches, right, I would say. But, you know, they're sort of, you know, most of the New York skyline,

but there's also a tree and, you know, Brooklyn Bridge and stuff. But each one of them has, you know, the very distinctive signature of Donald Trump right underneath them. It's almost like a calling card. Yeah. Yeah, okay.

So those are the two main news stories from the Fortnite We're away. There's sort of war and death and all sorts of things going on. And Albo in China. Albo in China. Oh, we can get onto that. But the other story, Panned diplomacy. Panned diplomacy. Charles Stephen Colbert, the late show's been axed.

Yeah. And apparently it cost $100 million a year and it was making 60. But the timing is a little suspicious. Oh, clearly it's a conspiracy, Dom. It can't just be pure numbers. like what Paramount says it is. I love the statement that said, no connection to anything else happening at Paramount at this time,

i. the massive deal that we need the White House to approve. Well, and the fact that they settled a lawsuit earlier in the week with Donald Trump and paid him $16 million. Which Colbert called a bribe on national television, yeah. Which Colbert called a bribe and then also included, in reporting at the time,

non-financial arrangements as well. It wasn't just $16 million. It was $16 million plus non-financial things that Trump got out of it. Yeah. Which, you've got to say, was probably Colbert being axed. Well, it was so nice to have that post on the truth. Sasha, where he said how glad he was, he was fine. Charles, I guess the worry will be is if in future episodes of the late show, when they

analyze it, they've been through Adobe premiere and they're just, the clock's going a little bit too quickly. Stephen, you might want to go to a safe location and stop doing the show because it's quite easy to make someone disappear, if you know how. What I love about this whole story is that we just know that as soon as Colbert's out of contract with CBS and, you know, enough time has passed that all the sort of clauses have, you know, been fulfilled, probably, you know, a year after he's finally left, we will get the full story. Like in the same way that John Stewart has told, you know, spoken very openly about his struggles

doing that show at Apple where they just basically said you can't have that person on you can't have that person on. I think we will get the full story of that. But right at the beginning of this term of Trump I said quite precedently really that one of the things that happens

under sort of Hungarian-style authoritarianism which is what we're saying happened here is the idea that actually media outlets are brought out by oligarchs and then shut down any free speech. And it happens sort of slowly but then fast. And you can absolutely see that happening in real time. You've seen Jeff Bezos essentially sell out the,

buy up the Washington Post and then sell it out. He's just on the verge. Let's not forget that very expensive documentary about Melania that everyone wants to see. Yeah, they've killed that. He's getting all of the networks to sort of pay him off and, yeah, and bury Malarnia documentaries and all that sort of stuff.

And this is just another sort of voice chipped away at. And it's frog in boiling water stuff. It doesn't have to happen fast. But it's just another voice of dissent silence. And more chillingly, everyone around them knowing that actually you don't say that sort of stuff on the public airwaves anymore. Well, Charles, I'll tell you one thing. One thing is for sure. They can't silence the Chaser Report.

They can't. No one can buy the Chaser Report. speak to which I've got to go I'm negotiating a deal with with Netflix oh right speaking of which Colbert will be this is my prediction

will be on Netflix in five minutes our friend Dylan Bayan made the point on social media that his show was Colbert's show was great when it's just him in his office doing guests on Zoom like you could make it for a lot less money

and it'll still be really good so yes long may he continue as a critic of Trump except that he won't you'll probably meet the Epstein fate yeah no I hope that he goes back into acting.

He was brilliant in Dr. Doolittle. He was brilliant as the other Stephen Colbert. Oh, that guy back. The Trump administration would not get the joke. If he went full MAGA and said, I've learnt my lesson. Donald Trump's the greatest president ever and just went deep cover for the rest of the whole.

Like he could turn the, he could basically do his own gutfeld. He'd be the gut field of the right. I mean, you know. Yeah, except funny. Yeah, except funny. All right, Charles. Nice to you back.

We're part of the Iconiclass Network and we will catch you. God, are we really going to do another one tomorrow? I guess we are. Yep, tomorrow. See ya.