The Chaser Report - Rubble Bubble | Sami Shah

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

After riots and earthquakes Sami Shah believes he knows the cause for all Melbourne’s woes, and has found the perfect scapegoat. Meanwhile John takes a look at the unlikely partnership between Nicki Minaj and Tucker Carlson. Plus Gabbi and Dom travel to Byron for a star-studded Covid update. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by horoscopes. Don't bother going to therapy for your negative traits. You just got to wait for Mercury to fucking sort itself out, you know? Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday, the 23rd of September 2021. My name is Dom Knight. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hey, Dom Knight.

How's thanks? Oh, good for me, but I'm not in Melbourne. All the builders are no longer working. and then immediately they have a bloody earthquake. Bad luck. That's just the worst. That sounds like a slapstick movie. It's like Steve Martin's just going to pop up out of nowhere and be like,

gotcha. But yeah, no, no, not great. But we are talking to Sammy about that later on in the show. Of all the people to have the expertise, he's probably got the strongest. But the other big problem on the radar is up in Byron, where they've got into a one-week lockdown for the most strange reason imaginable, Gabby. Yeah, I thought problems didn't happen in Byron. I know.

I thought it was a paradise, sweet. I never got sick. But no, they've locked down because a crew member of the show, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, which was filming in Byron with COVID positive. She was up from Sydney. She had an exemption. Apparently the health minister decided it was a matter of great importance for the well-being of New South Wales that I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here went ahead in Byron.

Good to know that Brad Hazard's favourite TV show is I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, but I'm not even shocked by the COVID case, Dom. That doesn't shock me at all. You know what shocks me? Why is a show called I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here being filmed in the celebrity heaven that is Byron Bay? That's true. Isn't it more like I'm a celebrity, buy me 17 investment properties here? Or like, I'm a celebrity, pick me up three really, really gorgeous looking women and then I'll just never talk to them ever again once I leave?

Is that not the vibe? I thought celebrities love Byron Bay. They do, which makes me wonder if actually they've got proper celebrities for the first time in the history of that show. Like, maybe they'd have scooped up a few Hemsworths, maybe Matt Damon was there. Zach Ephron took a break from picking up like baristas at cafes to film the show. I mean, we might have actually heard of some of these celebs, Gabby. I think it would be more funny to be like, I'm a middle class regular person who works a nine to five,

get me the fuck out of here because it's just filming Byron Bay as it is. Yes, that's true. But also the local MP who's from the Liberal Party has asked Brad Hazard to resign over what's happened. She's so angry about this that she wants her own health minister to quit because Byron is potentially infected. But it is fair to say that one person with COVID in Byron giving them a rate of vaccinations up there probably means a massive wave of deaths, right?

Yeah, although I will say it's kind of crazy that the one thing that liberals are getting passionate about getting Brad Hazard to quit is over, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, exposure. And not, I don't know, the general bad vibes that he's given off the last 18 months. Yeah, a bit of a delay with the lockdown. Ah, look, these things happen.

But don't you dare infect Byron? Yeah. Coming up on the show today, we speak to Sammy Shah over the Melbourne earthquake. Plus, John Delmenico takes a look at The Clash of the Titans, Tucker Carlson of Fox News, versus Nikki Minaj's cousins, friends, ballsack. A tough fight, Dom. A tough, tough battle is ahead. But all of that and more coming up right after this with Rebecca Dayuna in the Chaser Newsroom.

In response to Victoria being hit by an unprecedented earthquake, the federal government has pledged to send a $700 million disaster relief package to New South Wales. The state premier Gladys Berrigelian reported that the aid could not have come at a better time because her state had spent all the money they got from last time Victoria had a disaster. Scott Morrison has today stalled his discussions with Joe Biden and Boris Johnson in regards to the Orchus deal after the Australian PM asked if the submarines will have invisibility cloaking devices in order to help hide from responsibility. Doubt about the new deal arose when Morrison learned these subs would,

not aid him at all in hiding pesky journalists or even the French. The Oak Milk Corporation has today filed for bankruptcy after a statewide ban on tradies has made the flavoured milk company's future untenable. After the single day without construction, the Oak Company reported that profits had plummeted so low that they had no other option. Other brands similarly affected by the lack of tradies include 4 and 20 pies, Monster Energy drinks and Triple M Radio. Those are the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by horoscopes. And if you don't like that, well, that is just such a typical horoscope-specific to you vibe. Now, Gabby, we are a proudly Sydney-centric podcast to the point of ridiculousness. I'm amazed as to be having listeners anywhere else at all. But sometimes there is so much news in Melbourne that we just have to. to talk about what's happening down there. And between the earthquake and the riots and all else that's going on, we should check in with Sammy Shah.

Hey, Sammy. Hey, Dom, I need you to do me a favor. Can you talk shit about Melbourne? Tell me how bad Melbourne is right now, please. Oh, the weather sucks. Oh, it's fine. You're just trying to be like San Francisco. Like, don't want about it.

Yeah, keep going, keep going, keep going. Give me more. Give me more. Just they're all black wearing wankers. Yeah. Your, you know, politics sucks us. The Melbourne eye is ridiculous, you know. Yeah, stupid, stupid building.

Yeah, IFL, who gives this shit about IFL, no one else plays it in the whole world, then wonder they good at it. This is good, this is good, this is all good. This is needed, this is important, because, you know, Nazar is, Nazar. So basically, in India, Pakistan, in a lot of this, in Asia, the parts of the world that, you know, I come from,

the idea is that if something is doing well, If something is worthy of envy, then people have envied it and thus put nuzzar, which means eye or sight, on it. Like the evil eye, right? It's the evil eye. And the way to get rid of that, there's two ways. One is you don't compliment it. In fact, you insult it. Right.

So, you know, if you see a baby that's really cute, you don't say, oh my God, that baby's really cute because then the baby might get measles. So instead you say, oh, my God, look at that baby's giant forehead. He looks like Winston Churchill. Your alternative is you sacrifice a goat. Right. Now, I have just in the last 48 hours, I have experienced riots in Melbourne. I have experienced a motherfucking earthquake in Melbourne. And tomorrow Melbourne reaches the most locked down city on the planet Earth status.

It's time to sacrifice a fucking goat, people. Do you have, can we kickstart a goat? Can we, can we Patreon a goat? I need a goat. Can we use an intern? dressed as a goat. Would that work? That is a valid thing. I'm pretty sure the Bible, the Quran and the Torah all say those are valid substitutions for goats. However, what are you doing to me, Melbourne? What are you doing? Yeah, I reckon I would love to know what the Torah and

the Quran say about chaser interns. I really don't know if sacrificing a goat is the answer, Sammy. I feel like there are lots of other things you could sacrifice. You know, you could sacrifice coffee, you know, that's readily available and no one's going to get mad at you. You can sacrifice The men of Melbourne Should shave off their moustaches As a penance Yeah like an anti-Movember

Like No MoVember No Moe No Moe Fuck your charities You know Or like Yeah I don't know

I feel like Melbourne is a charity right now Look at it Hasn't Carlton sacrificed buildings To the earthquake gods I think so I think we also sacrificed too There's some rubble

There was rubble in in Peran On Chapel Street Which is yet another reason reason for me not to ever go to Peran on Chapman, but never be, barely ever go that side of city. Rubble is very fashionable though, these days. It is. It's very sexy. It's mainly, I mean, Kabul's ruling the bubble look, the rubble book, the rubble bubble.

But yes, Melbourne's definitely kind of bringing it as best. This is bizarre. It does seem strange. I woke up this morning and my apartment building was shaking. You know, I just, these are things that I did not experience, think I would be experiencing as a Melbourneian. I thought, you know, okay, fine, rising rental prices, okay, maybe, you know, a labor government that gets attacked by the Herald Sun all the time, sure, okay, John Setka suddenly becoming a good guy because everyone, anti-vaxes are trying to attack him, even though the fact that there's

domestic violence charges against him are something that we all have to pretend don't exist. You know, sure, these are all Melbourne experiences. I didn't realize the earth literally quaking was going to be one of those quintessential Melbourne things He's like, did your genes that I now need to experience? Wild conspiracy theory, right? Because I love making these up just for the sake of doing it. I reckon the earthquake was a controlled demolition by every landlord in Melbourne. Because now all of these apartment buildings can act, like, they can whack the price up

because of their, like, exposed brick feature wall. Yes, they're distressed. They're distressed buildings. Yeah. They're like, it's going for that, like, hipster, like, exposed brick, copper pipes, look. And now they've got it for free. and they can just, they can act like they did that on purpose. That's very cool.

My theory is... I'm so sorry, Sammy. My theory is it's some sort of advanced French weapon. This is one thing that we haven't thought about enough. Is the French are notoriously, um, uh, thin-skinned and vindictive. So I think maybe we do have those subs here. Maybe they just detonated the subs that they have built and, or this all part of... I don't know.

I, you know, when you think villain, you think French. Post-raying, yes. Let's, let's make that, uh... La-la-la-la world destruction. Let's make that, like, years-old topical rather than just racist. I think that's good. Here we are. We are, Melbourne is now literally the most ridiculous city in Australia.

Nothing seems to go right. We're doomed entirely. This earthquake could probably be blamed on Daniel Andrews. Yeah. I did like Dan Andrea's fault as a name on Twitter for what's just gone down. It does seem ironic that you've just sent all of the construction workers on furlough for a few weeks. and then the city starts to just crumble around you. Is the CFMU that powerful down there?

I mean, yeah, people underestimate the power of the CFMU, and that is very, very true. You know, it's John Setka, you know, as you, I don't know if you've seen a picture of John Setka, but he looks exactly like a man whose name would be, John Setka, and, you know, he runs this organization. Clearly, they are the Illuminati of Melbourne. It would make sense that the Illuminati of Melbourne

wouldn't be the actual Illuminati. It would be a bunch of tradies and high viz that says exactly what you need to about Melbourne. But clearly they are not to be messed with and they have been messed with. Look, it's all I'm saying is, you know, everyone's got the theories about how this happened, why this happened. I'm a very do your own research kind of guy, you know, and I don't, I know seismologists or whatever they are saying that this is a natural occurrence and it happens once every 10 or so years. But I think it's actually Nuzer and I would believe in the science of Nuzer. and I'm basically now crowdfunding for a goat. That's very good idea.

You could go with the meme sense of goat. You could just get like a really good person, like the greatest of all time of something and sacrifice them. That's pretty much exactly how it went for Moses. So I think, yes, I am down with this. Sammy, you said at the start of this, when you were talking about Nazar, you said that when you're jealous of something, you have to talk it down so there's no evil lie.

I think we've just explained Melbourne's attitude to Sydney for the past 50 years. You would think that a city that just had an earthquake would get a little bit more sympathy from a Sydney cider But that's very typical of you, isn't it or not. I want to come down and visit all the new bars that have opened up in the laneways. This is called disaster tourism. This is exactly the shit that there was all those people going into Egypt right after Tahrir Square And now they're going to come to Melbourne and take a picture in Peran in front of on Chapel Street saying, look at me.

Yeah, yeah. My favorite bar is now literally. a hole in the wall. It's all right. It's all of misunderstanding. The CMFEU actually stands for a controlled motherfucking earthquake undertaking. So I mean, who knows. Look, they are called the CFMU, but I'm going to let it stand because that joke is worthy of it.

Fuck. I thought I was so clever too. It's all right. Today's episode is brought to you by horoscopes. Your life will be great, except when it isn't, and then you'll feel happy and or sad. And your love life will be. You know, it'll just... I think that covers everything.

Now, Gabi, I can't believe we haven't addressed the biggest issue in the world. On this podcast, I know. You can't believe we haven't addressed a big issue. That is a fair point. But we haven't talked about Nikki Minaj and her cousin's friend with the giant balls. I'm so obsessed with this story. Well, this is going to be put to write this moment. John Delmenico has been following the story.

Hello, John. Hi. This story has been really picked up a lot by Fox News and Tucker Carlson. So if you don't know what we're talking about with Nicky Minaj, I've got a clip of Fox News host Tucker Carlson explaining what's going on. She said that her cousin in Trinidad, quote, won't get the vaccine because his friend got it and became impotent.

His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married. Now that girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it and make sure you're comfortable with your decision, not bullied. Which seems sensible. That sounds so much worse from a weedy white guy than it would from Nikki Minaj. It's become his new favorite topic to talk about.

The next day, he did a call for action saying that Fox News doesn't know if Fox News airs in Trinidad. And if anyone knew, the cousin's friend, can they please send in information to them so they can talk to him? But luckily, does anyone still confuse about why this is a big news story. Tarkarsen does clarify what's going on and why it's important. But it's not anything to do with the physical effect of the vaccine that makes our political class mad. it's the last part of Nikki Minaj's tweet that enrages them, the part where she says you should make the decision yourself like a free human being and, quote, don't be bullied.

I, Tucker Carlson, I guarantee you that 99.999% of the people who are interested in this tweet, it's because of the giant balls. Like, as a giant knob yourself, you should know. Yeah, I don't give a fuck about the choice. I want to hear more about the massive ball sack. Also, the story is about the Met Gala requiring you to have vaccine. Yeah, a vaccine mandate is just bullying, it says Tucker. Although good choice for the vaccine mandate to come in for another ball, I will say.

That's a good point. So I did more digging and found two stories from the same like 24-hour period as when they went on the offensive. The first one being the White House publicly praising Fox News for their vaccine mandate. Fox News has the, according to the White House, one of the, if not the, strictest vaccine mandate in the entire country of America for a company. One that's way stricter than the one that Biden wants to bring in and that Fox News is very mad

at. So the one that they have has over 90% of their employees fully vaccinated currently, which is the highest rate in a large company in America. They have a database that's an Excel spreadsheet that has how many doses each employee

has had. Wow. They've got mask mandates, social distancing mandates, daily COVID testing. And something that's essentially a vaccine passport system for every room in a building. That's so embarrassing. I love it. So Tucker Carlson isn't, he isn't, he isn't lying about being interested in Nikki Minaj's cousin's friend's massive ball sack.

He's just lying that he's interested in the vaccine debate part. He like the rest of us. All this proves is he like the rest of us is actually just interested in whether it makes your balls huge. I'd much rather hear from Nikki Minaj's cousin's friend's ball sack than Tucker Carlson at this point. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by horoscopes. Yes, Billy.

Where the sun was when you were born is definitely the reason your boyfriend dumped you last Wednesday. Just before we go, Gabby, I guess we should say sincerely, Melbourne, I really hope nothing else goes wrong from here. I don't know what could. Oh, Dom, don't jinx it. That's what causes all these problems, because everyone's always going, oh, I hope nothing else happens and then more shit's going to happen.

Because we're really not in it together at this point anymore, are we? No, I think we need to adopt Sammy. his method and just wish the worst thing upon them and then it won't happen to them. I can't believe somebody got through that entire conversation without wishing the evil eye on Brisbane. But anyway, please leave us to review on Apple Podcasts. We read them out every Friday and it's really fun. There've been some really witty ones actually in the past week, so keep them coming.

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