The Chaser Report - Sami... Loves Queensland?! | Sami Shah | David Kilcullen

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

For some months, comedian Sami Shah has maintained a fierce vendetta against the state of Queensland... until now. And that's not the only deeply-held view this freshly-vaccinated comedian is about to reverse. Also, counterinsurgency expert Dr David Kilcullen explains how the Taliban won – a 30-minute version of that interview can be found in a special episode that's also out today. Plus, Charles ponders gourmet takeaway, and it's Review Reading Friday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by the U.S. C-17 cargo plane, the most spacious cargo plane in the world. Find another plane that can cram 640 Afghanis inside, or we'll invade another country and test it out. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Hello, welcome to the Chaser Report for Friday the 20th of August 2021. Now, Charles, I've got some listener feedback for you. I am. Can you remember how yesterday at this point in the podcast? at the start.

I wanted to talk about the awful 663 cases in New South Wales two days ago. And yet you derailed the conversation before which had about a sandwich for three or four minutes. It was important, but yes, yes. And today, the most obvious thing to discuss, the thing we have to address is the 681 people yesterday. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's actually, there's anything much more important than that, Dom.

Well, I'm very glad to hear it because listeners told me how glad they were that Rather than talking about the case number, we talked about a sandwich. They were basically anything but those numbers. So what have you got that's not the numbers? I've got some good news and some terrible news, Dom. Oh, dear. Which is that I got an email from Rockpool, you know, Rockpool, the really fancy restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They've got this new thing where it's click and collect for, like, fine dining or deliver, you know. And you look at the menu. It's just like the most delicious. cooking food ever. It's like proper Rockpool food. But it's delivered to your house. And it's going, this is great. Like, you know, we could order it for Sunday afternoon and, you know, we haven't spent

much money. We can afford. And there's this one thing. You can get a banquet for $180 for two people, right? So a bit expensive, right? But it's just thinking, come on. It's a little. Live a little.

Yeah. And besides, I assume this is, you know, pay all of from Rockpool. So you're not actually paying for it. No, no, no. So I think click through to order it, right? And listen to the preparation instructions, right? I thought it was like normal takeaway where they just deliver it and eat it, right? I would think it would just be ready to go.

No, this is like remove ham from container, arranged on serving plate and the gunnishes as peritressions. Remove prawns and then place in a small oven tray. Start prepping the salad in a mixing bowl and get ready to put. but you're basically being their chef. Like, literally you have to cook the whole thing. So you could just order it from worries or coals and get the same effect. Remove steaks from bag, place on an oven tray and then season and cook.

I think to that fancy Rockpool Charles for a birthday. I don't remember having to cook my own steak. Yes. And there's 180 fucking dollars for basically two steaks and prawns. and a piece of lettuce. If I could cook as well as Rockpool, I wouldn't need to buy my fucking ingredients from Rockpool. But Charles, you're missing the upside of all this.

Oh, yeah. They deliver you all this fancy food. You've got to prepare it yourself. It kills three hours. Isn't that the best possible thing? Isn't that worth $180? Yes. And there's instructions.

You don't have to think about what to do. You don't have to stare into the yawning morass of an afternoon and think, you know, what on earth am I going to do that I haven't done before? because my life repeats itself day upon day upon day, you can just cook the ridiculous meal from Rockpool. Maybe we should have talked about the numbers. That would have been a happier conversation.

681. Coming up on the show, we are talking to David Kilcullen, who's a military expert based in America, about the cluster fuck that is Afghanistan. Yes, actual expertise coming your way here on the Tost Report. I don't know how I keep sneaking into the rundown, but there it is. Also, Sammy Schar is going to join us to talk about why he, have I got this right, Charles?

Has sympathy for anti-vax? Is that, that, that would be right? That's what he said. I can't believe that's true. It'll be a twist. They'll be a twist. Well, hopefully, hopefully. I'm sure he'll give Queenslanders a spray, so you've at least got that to look forward to.

As long as he's still on brand. And first, though, let's go to Rebecca Dana-Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Celebrity quack, Pete Evans, has had his plans squashed for a mega commune near Byron Bay. Authorities say the toxic lifestyle choices coming from the commune could poison the local koala population. Defeated Afghan military and civilians alike have been spotted rounding up vast amounts of oil supply today in a desperate attempt to draw back the US military to their country. President Joe Biden refused to support a re-invasion, but did ask exactly how much oil had they stockpiled so far. The Labour Party has slammed the Liberal Party.

Party for failing to commit to a climate target for 2030, saying it was disgraceful that a party would not adopt a target. The Labor Party has not set a target for 2030. I'm Rebecca Daynamuno, and this is The Chaser News. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the regional New South Wales lockdown. If we find a mouse running through the streets, it'll be issued a $5,000 fine. We always love chatting to Sammy Shah and judging both the download stats. You do too. Now, Sammy, how vaccinated are you at this point? Are you on team double Vax?

I'm team single Vax still. I've had one round of AstraZeneca. I actually wanted to get Pfizer because I qualify. I'm over 40 as the gray hairs in my beard with a test. But I looked at the sign-up sheet and the Pfizer weight was too long. And I was like, you know what? I like the underdog. I like going for the sub-brand.

Like, I don't, like, Kmart's great, but ALDI is even better. Sammy, Sammy, you're wrong. You're just wrong. The whole of Australia is awash with Pfizer. Check out the press releases. Australia's a wash. There's no problem with supply anymore. That is very true.

I think my fault is not in putting my faith in the press conferences. Because clearly, as we know historically, a press conference is a source of truth. It is a font of wisdom. Announce it and it will come. That's how it works. Yeah, that's what the Oracle of Delphi was doing way back in ancient Greek. was press conferences, basically, if you think about it. No, for me, it's the thing of, like, I got, I went for Ashtra Zeneca.

All right. I was skeptical about Pfizer because I couldn't get my hands on Pfizer. So I went fast to Zeneca. I got the first round. And I had that reaction to AstraZeneca that some people have, you know, like his body starts shaking, he starts shivering and you start, like, thinking you're dying. Is that the actual vaccine or is that just Shia Terra having Astra? I think that's just what happens when you read the form about blood clotting and how many

times that the word blood clotting is used in the clinic. The thing I found amazing was, in the middle of the night, I was like, maybe anti-vaxxers have a point. Maybe this thing doesn't feel as safe as it should be, because I'm literally shivering to death while also burning up simultaneously. And then I started thinking about anti-vaxers. And I feel like we're unfair to them. I think we're giving them a bad rap.

It's not fair because some of the points they make are really, really good. And I feel like we're not listening to them closely enough. Well, back up. I didn't see among the side effects of AstraZeneca having an insanely sympathetic view to anti-vaxas, Sammy. What's this thing doing to you? We're still testing these vaccines. We don't know what the side effects are. Maybe this is one of them.

Yes, okay. No, okay, tell me this. If I walk up to you right now and I say, hey, guess what? Pharmaceutical companies are making a lot of money on vaccines. That's every single company. You could say that about literally every single company in the world. Agreed. And so that point they make is valid that, you know, corporations are out to make a lot of money on your...

That they had a successful product and the CEO somehow skimmed a whole lot of money having made a successful product. It's almost like the American Australian story, right. Ironically, AstraZeneca is being given away on a not-for-profit basis. And so they're communist idiots over at Astra. Yeah, clearly. What's wrong with them? That's what's... Forget the clothing.

That's what's wrong. with them. They don't get profit. They're Greens Party supporters, clearly, because that's their doomed model. Now, at the same time, if someone else came up to you and said, do you know that the government is trying to spy on you, take all your information, control your thoughts and your behaviour in a way that benefits their next election, which is why they're probably defunding universities and things like that. What would you say? I'd say, yeah, that sounds completely reasonable. Now, the only point where it goes off the rails is when they go, Well, if you put all of that together, I'm not getting vaccinated, right?

That's the only point. But other than that, all their arguments are valid. So now I'm feeling like maybe I'm not an anti-vaxxer, but only because I don't agree with the end conclusion. I'm a vaxer who's pro-ante-vaxor arguments in some ways. Does that sound crazy? I sound crazy. I sound crazy.

You sound terrible. I mean, you sound canceled, Sammy. I'm really sorry. Now, that's also part of it is, you know, as a person, person who's a comedian, I'm all about not being censored. And if we're censoring vaccine people, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Are we allowing Big Brother to take over? And this is, you know, in the words of an anti-vaccin that I know, this is East Germany in 1937. I reckon the key test for this is imagine if they are in fact true, like that even you're wrong

and that the end conclusion, which is that Bill Gates gets to control everyone through microchips in their blood. It wouldn't that be cool? Isn't the whole point that, you know, like if there is somebody that smart and evil on the planet, surely they should win. If the choice is between Scott Morrison and Bill Gates, yes. I think I want the one with the runs on the board. Like, see, I think the real issue over here, and this is for me personally, is the reason why I'm not an anti-backer fully, I don't believe the idea, is because I use Microsoft products in the past, and I just don't buy that they'll have this shit together enough. I can see Apple do it. this, particularly a Steve Jobs era Apple, but even Tim Cooks had a fairly reasonable job with the new

M1 chip. So I can see the M1 chip being something that's being installed in your bloodstream using a vaccine. And then I'd be like, that's not bad. It kind of integrates me with my new Apple speaker, with my new iPhone, iOS 15. You know, that makes I am a part of the Apple ecosystem now. I can go with that. I think it's offensive that is Bill Gates, because I don't want to be a part of that. And that's why I don't believe the whole thing. I don't know what to ask, Sammy. I'm just still still shocked. I'm shocked both at your stance and that I kind of take your point in some respect. Yeah, in any other era, we would be saying, yeah, big farmer are evil. Like, they are the enemy. You're right. Like, yeah, that is true. Like, they're the people who did

the Oxycontin stuff and they charge hundreds of dollars for insulin in the US. They're horrible, horrible companies. They have trialed and tested. This isn't even conspiracy theory. They have Trial and tested failed medications in African villages, which have killed and decimated whole parts of African towns and cities because they were like, oh, it turns out it had mercury in it, and everyone has cancer. Like, that's just a part of the thing. Now, the problem is that they're the ones with the two rules to build a good vaccine. So I can get why anti-vaccins upset.

Now, again, I'm not advocating becoming an anti-vactor. I don't want anyone to listen to this. It was Sammy's an anti-vaxer or Sammy Billy's anti-vaxers have a valid point. It's a pity that the title for this episode is going to be Sammy is an anti-vexer. Look, I set myself up for that and I feel like, you know, that's fair. You know, you've got to go with the clips and the clicks of the clicks, which is exactly the way Pfizer's thinking about this whole game. I mean, I just, it makes me question your stance on Queensland.

You know what? Here's another thing I want to come around on. All right. I'm glad you brought this up, Don. I am willing. I'm not saying that Queenslanders are redeemed. I'm not saying the Queenslanders as a state. are justified in their political choices,

in their political representation choices. But I will say this, the amount of Queenslanders who contacted me in the last few weeks and said, ha-ha, that was really funny. We agree with you. We're quite shit, things like that. Compared to every time you make a joke about New South Wales and you basically get cancelled, attacked and abused

by everyone and everything that ever existed in Sydney, I've got to say, I think I like Queenslanders' sense of humour and they turned out to be a lot cooler and nicer and more open-minded than I thought they would be and I kind of coming around to them a little bit. Now, I hate saying this. That's just because you've got a tour there. That's literally just because you've got a tour there.

You're just trying to sell tickets. When I said earlier in the podcast that you were cancer, I was joking, but now, I'm sorry, Charles, I don't think we can have this car on anymore. If you can't keep up the Andy Queensland, then I'm sorry, like, they don't have as many listeners as as New South Wales does. We need someone to hate at the moment, Sammy.

You know what? we attack our prime minister for not having enough empathy and for going to empathy training courses and learning nothing. Guys, this is what empathy looks like. It means love thy enemy and maybe I'm open to loving Queenslanders and maybe I'm open to loving an anti-vaxxer from a distance until I get fully vaccinated so that I'm immune to whatever they're carrying. Well, Sammy, it's been lovely chatting to you over the last few months.

not going to have you back. Fair not. I understand. Reasonable response. Are you going to the rally on the weekend, Sammy, if it goes ahead? Are you speaking at the rally? Are you addressing the rally? Are you the face of the rally? Look, I mean, this might be an awkward time to mention that I'm doing 10 minutes

of stand up at the rally. It might be the only gig I've gotten. And so therefore, you know, never bite the hand that feeds you. Even if that hand is riddled with malaria, measles, mumps and rebella. But, you know, a gig's a gig, man. Thank you, Sammy. but also at the same time, goodbye forever. Yeah, goodbye, pretty.

Dom, you know what I miss most about lockdown? Every aspect of life that's now been destroyed. Oh, sorry, that was a bit depressing. No, that's exactly right, but one of that is going to cafes, right? Oh, yes, I so miss going to cafes. Yes, and there's a really special thing about going to a cafe in Sydney in winter. Yes, it's the one good. thing about a winter's day in this town.

You just go into the cafe and you say, oh, fuck, I'm freezing. I'm going to sit down here. Can we close the door? And the cafe owner says, no fucking way. Charles, is it possible that at some point in our past, we took that thought during a non-lockdown period and rendered it into, I don't know, a comedic sketch of some kind? Yes, in fact, we did. It was a 38-second sketch, and here it is.

Morning. Can I get a flat white, please? Certainly. It's very cold in here, but mind if I closed the door? Don't do that. Why not? This is a Sydney cafe. We leave the door open no matter how cold it gets. Is it a law or something? No, the open door makes us look welcoming to customers. But you don't have any customers.

I know. It's way too cold in here. They're not idiots. Now, here's your coffee. Would you like to have it, Alfresco? squatting on a milk crate on the footpath? But it's freezing out there. Yeah, but at least it's warmer than in here. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. How on earth did the US and its allies, including Australia,

managed not only to lose the war in Afghanistan to the Taliban after 20 years, but to completely stuff up the exit, leaving people stranded in a giant mess? Charles and I were fascinated to know more about this. Fortunately, Charles knows just the guy's names. Dr. David Gilcullen, he's Professor of International Political Studies at the Australian Defence Forces Academy, currently based in the USA in Colorado. But he's previously been a soldier, he fought in the Iraq War, he's been a diplomat and

he's currently a scholar of guerrilla warfare, terrorism, urbanisation, and the future of conflict. Basically, he's a complete expert on Afghanistan to the point where he's been part of many of the key conversations over many years about this stuff. He's even advised the US State Department and former Secretary of State Condoleza Rice. He's also written quite a few books about this. the most recent is the dragons and the snakes, how the rest learned to fight the West. It's out from OUP.

And Charles grew up with him. We had a half an hour long conversation with David about Afghanistan. We learned a huge amount from it. And it was so interesting that we've published it as a special episode in your feed. You'll see it below this episode you're listening to right now if you open your podcast app. What we're going to play you now, though, is a quick clip answering the key question. How did the Taliban manage to win? but if you want to hear the whole episode and we recommend that you do, go to your podcast app

and just listen to the whole thing later in the day. And so what were their tactics? Like how did they take out each town? So super smart, right? So they're a small guerrilla group. They've got limited assets. There's two general plans or general approaches they took. I wrote about this a couple of months ago.

Like it's been obvious to us, but we didn't realize it's going to succeed so well. they would go and sort of partially surround a village or a district center and they would then send in an elder from the local community that's known to the garrison and he would say guys the Taliban have got you surrounded they are going to fucking kill you all or they're leaving an opening if you hand over your weapons and your ammo they'll let you go home and increasingly garrisons were doing that because they weren't getting air support they weren't getting food they were running out of of ammunition. They knew if they got injured, there was no way to evacuate than to a hospital.

So when the Taliban comes up and gives you an opening, you go, yeah, okay. And also there was kind of a network effect, right? So if there's nine garrisons in a district and five of them flip, well, okay, you can fight on her if you want to, but it's not going to make any difference at this point, right? So people were changing. So they applied that method at the district level for months. Then they began to apply it in the last week or so, at the province level. And same technique, bigger scale, instead of the local garrison commander, they're talking to the province governor or the mayor, and people were just flipping left and right. You saw that on the news. Some even changed sides, right, and joined the Taliban.

And then for Kabul, they were planning to do the same thing, right? So they basically partially surrounded Kabul, paused, and then Berater flew in, met with Karzai. And I think the army was ready to fight and probably would have fought. And their problem was a lot easier because they're just defending one area. but by the time the military guys on the front line heard that the politicians are busy selling you out in the presidential power, so like, all right, we're done, right? And the whole thing fell over.

So that's one strategy. The other thing is six or eight weeks, they've been fighting for Kandahar and Hellman, which are two big towns in the south, sorry, two big provinces in the south. And the guts of the Afghan military was basically destroyed in trying to save these towns to the point where when they flipped and started,

going north. The cover was bare. There was nothing they could do. I mean, we, we have spent 20 years systematically underestimating the Taliban, and they've just for the 10th time proved that, you know, they're a lot better, I mean, more capable than we give them credit for. So that was an excerpt of our longer conversation with Dr. David Kilcullen. Just bear in mind, the entire episode is available now in your podcast app of choice below today's episode. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by. by Peter Dutton. Oh, fuck.

That is all. Just before we go, on Friday as we take a look at the reviews that you leave on the Apple podcast app. Last week, there was only one, Charles, but this week, oh, there's quite a few, and they range from five stars to one star. Let's begin with the five star one. Shall we? John, read the first one? Yeah, so this one's from

Joe Get and it says it would be six stars but it's five stars Stop all the Queensland hate Wow Hope you all down south Are enjoying your cold winter weather And your constant state of lockdown

I'm off for a walk outside In my t-shirt and shorts And off for a beer While you're all you're stuck at home Well, what a fuck with I don't think I like Joe No Although there is five stars

And I feel like they misunderstood the scoring mechanism of Apple podcast in that you can't get six stars. But no, he said, due to all the Queensland hate, I can only give this podcast five stars and save six. Also, we pretty much won all of Australia's gold medals at the Olympics, so there. I mean, it was seeming witty and kind and funny.

I was going to say, this is not a normal Queensland. This person's moved up from New South Wales. But then I think at the end, they approved they were genuinely. Thank you for the five stars. Genuinely bitter Queenslander. We'll probably have to produce this podcast from Queensland in a year or two the way property prices are going. So, see you soon.

This one, striving for mediocrity. This one's left by someone called Rubbish Podcast. It's one star. You've hit your goal of being mediocre, very mediocre. Well done. Now, Charles, at the start of the chaser, I'm very proud of, I came up with striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence.

And I'd like to feel we were there first on this review. Oh, yeah, absolutely. We knew. Yeah, no, that's exactly right. We, well, you know, in life, what's more important than achieving your goals? Yep, well, there you go. I mean, if we'd aim to be comedy geniuses, we'd be probably disappointed at this point, but no. I'm literally not.

Now, another one, honey, burglegurl, thanks team, I get a dark giggle every morning from the show. In week nine of Groundhog lockdown day, it's genuinely uplifting to listen to you all. She obviously is not listening to this podcast. Yeah. No, well, look, you've confused us with Corona cast, I think, but that's all right. Appreciate it. Now, this is interesting. The Tim, not in lockdown.

I don't know. There's probably more than two Tim's out there, but anyway, like me and my wife's first date, are confronting 20 minutes, but you go back for more. I think that's complimentary. He's five stars. I mean, I have concerns for your relationship, Tim, but as long as you love us. His first date with his wife lasted 20 minutes. Yeah, and then he wants to take us.

home at the end of it. Anyway, I'll take it as positive. Any five-star review, I'll take it as positive. The last one's directed at you, Charles. Yeah, this is, regarding your comments around the IPCC report, I recommend reading the new climate war by Michael Mann. At the same time, enlightening and with a glimmer of hope. Thanks for bringing joy into my life every day.

And that's from Jai H.L. That's really sincere. I mean, it's not often we get, you know, scholarly references is in the podcast reviews, Charles, this is a turn for the, a turn of for the books. Well, I know what my, um, my weekend reading is, which is, um, some more reviews. Definitely not that book. No, no, no. I'm going to read the one star reviews and hate myself even more.

That's what I'm going to do. Thank you for those. Please leave yours. We don't care whether they're good or bad, but they're just fun to get at Apple Podcasts. That's the only app that we can check for whatever reason. It's the big one. Our gear is from rode microphones and we're part of the ACAST, Creator Network. Charles, nice you've got any final thoughts for the week.

weekend. Well, just remember the full interview with David Kilcullen. Oh, yes. Go back and listen to that full chat. It was absolutely fascinating, I think. Yeah, it was fascinating. And tomorrow, we're talking to Cameron Wilson from Crikey, who's been looking into the sort of world of fake news and conspiracy theories. It's absolutely fascinating as well. Check that out. Online misinformation. He's a real specialist at it. And he tweeted a picture of Scott Morrison as a woman this week. I want to know why. Thanks to your company this week. Catch you next week. and indeed over the weekend.