The Chaser Report - Sami vs Queensland | Sami Shah

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Sami escalates his blood feud with the Sunshine State, while Charles wonders whether it's worth just giving up, and Gabbi welcomes him to life as a disillusioned millennial. Also, Dom reckons anyone can become a doctor now, and Zander explains the benefits of the AFP breaking into your social media account. All in all, another episode of unbridled positivity, delivering joy and optimism to our anguished world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by the Australian television industry because we're literally drowning in ads. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday, the 12th of August 2021. Dom, shut up. What, I'm just introducing the podcast like I normally do. And Gabby. Well, I didn't say anything.

She doesn't say anything. You got to tell her to shut up before she even spoken. It's all over. There's no point. in doing this. What? There's no point in going on. We should just stop now. Charles, we've talked about this. I told you. I'm giving up. Charles, this is able to be treated with medication and therapy. No, no. I, for the last few weeks, I've been doing everything right. I've been not drinking as much. I've been a little bit, but as much. I've been jogging. I've been exercising,

going for walks. And it's, it's over. It's too much. You know, just the whole day yesterday, the kids who are looking after wanting to learn how to learn at school, kept on interrupting me with questions about how to learn at school. And it's just, it's, it's over. That's it. We're not doing this. I'm giving up on lockdowns. I'm going to just break the laws and we're just going to stop doing everything.

That's it. I'm rendered speechless, to be honest. I know that Charles is always, you know, a beacon of positivity on this podcast, but I've never seen him quite so positive. I just never thought George Christensen would get to him. What's got you this upset, Charles? What has you this bereaved? Just everything.

I mean, look at reality. That's what it is. It's reality. I actually think I know what this is. I think Charles is suddenly realizing how a young person lives. Like, I don't know if you know this, but young people just have thought that since the womb. Anybody born 1992 onwards, we just walk around disappointed. So we can't actually ever reach that level of sadness because we just expect it.

Why didn't you tell us? We did. warn us. Oh, we did. And you all went, now, typical millennials. Yeah, we thought you were just complaining.

Because you were spoiled little shits. We thought you were being little privileged shits. Yeah, but it turns out if twas you who were little privileged shits. I'm glad that you're having this epiphany, Charles.

You know, one thing I have been discussing with my family is to what extent is it legal to call for armed insurrection against the governments of this country? I don't think there's a spectrum.

Well, I'm just saying, you know, like if any listeners, maybe through the iTunes, you know, app review, you know, redacted. I want to write in and, you know, join the revolution. Charles. I'm up for it. Charles. I think we made a terrible crucial error when we got rid of the guns back in 96. I think this is.

Yeah, I was going to say, what are we storming Parliament House with spoons? Charles, we've done this. They tried this a few Saturdays ago. Don't you remember? All the biggest fuckwits in New South Wales took. to George Street. I think I'm becoming a fuck wit, Dom. I'm becoming one of those fuckwits.

Be coming. I'm over it. I'm going to go and organise people to cough on each other. Charles, I know how to change your mind, all right? What? You know how much we hate people from Melbourne? Yes. No.

They managed to do twice as long as this. We can beat them. We can beat them. Turn it around. Fuck there. We've always been better than Melbourne. 113, 114 days, whatever it was. That's nothing.

You sissies. Let's do 300. We'll do 800. by the time Gladys gets he's under control. Coming up on the show, Sammy Shah is going to join us from Melbourne, which has just extended its lockdown. That'll be a cheerful chat.

And Xander outlines a very helpful plan by the federal police to hack into everyone's social media if they deserve it. All that and more coming up, but, um... Are you sure you can go on, Charles? I think this is it. He's getting his dementia. This is the end. Well, exactly.

Well, there's no point in not having dementia. You'd be happy if you had dementia. I don't know if that's true. What do we do first? What's your name, Charles? Dahlma, this is what I ask, Charles, where do we go from here? Like, you've done that at the start of the podcast. It's gotten bleaker every day.

What's the next level? Because there's another three weeks minimum of this thing. I don't think we have any of us to go. No, I think we should just give Charles his early tenure. We should just let him off the hook. They can be an emeritus presenter of the podcast. You know what, Charles, how's retirement sound? But that sounds good, doesn't it?

Yeah, you can just go on. You mean like doing nothing all day? Yeah. Oh, I do that at the moment. Yeah, but then you can just do it quietly. It'd be great. I mean, I did have a vision at the start of this project of a podcast that people would enjoy listening to. It would be part of the daily routine and get them and amusing inside into the world around them.

But I guess that dream died weeks and weeks ago now. My dream's still alive though, which is a promotion. And if Charles retires, boy, that's a one-way ticket. Let's go to Rebecca Day and Minow with the chasing news headlines. An idiot who has been in Parliament for 16 years and in government for the past seven years and Deputy Prime Minister off and on for the past five years has demanded to know which idiot

failed to come up with a climate plan for Australia. Nobody is telling us exactly what's involved in the plan. If you're going to just make an arbitrary claim, I will get to 2050, that's fine, but you must lay down the plan. Barnaby Joyce later demanded to know who the hell was even running this country. Scott Morrison has hit out at critics who claim he's been gaslighting the country by blaming them for his botched response to the pandemic.

Mr Morrison said that he hasn't gaslit anyone about anything and that everyone must have just imagined it. A Sydney couple is still coming down from the dizzying high of filling out the census on Tuesday night. The couple said it was the most thrilling thing they've done for a month. That's the latest news you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno and I'm totally happy. and completely fine about the state of the world.

And there's nothing wrong at all, and this is definitely not a cry for help. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Australian television industry. Because like Big Brother, we just won't quit. Now, yesterday, the great state of Victoria, extended Melbourne's lockdown, or another week. Of course, nothing to do with us, Charles. Just another thing that's happening in another place that has no connection to Sydney's lockdown

in any way. Sammy Shah, you agree with that, don't you? We're not responsible for your ongoing misery? No, this time apparently it's the Muslims, which has been the big, like, kind of narrative around here. It started in a Muslim school. COVID must be halal. But, you know, look, it's got to happen. Here's something that people keep forgetting, right? And as to why we keep going into lockdowns. Melbourne goes into them, Sydney's in the one, you know, other cities and Cairns is probably locking down or is locked down. I don't know. And to be frank, I don't care.

But basically, there's a massive detail we all keep forgetting. And that is that we are still in the midst of a fucking pandemic. That is how global pandemics work. Is they just keep pandemaking? And a virus is spreading around the world and it will keep spreading around the world. And, you know, despite what my neighbor who collects voice synthesizers, despite what he says, this is a real thing that's happening and we cannot deny. And it's going to keep.

happening. So doesn't that mean, it isn't my point that I made at the beginning of the show, which is that we should just totally give up. Isn't that the valid way through this? I mean, you... Wait, who's got hope? Like, who hasn't given

up yet? What kind of loser is sitting at home with positivity and optimism fucking fueling them? You're way behind. Yeah, yeah. That's a serial killer. I got some hope the other day. I really did. My dad is a doctor, like a medical doctor. He's been paying a lot of attention toward this.

And he said that you've got to look at the sweep of history on this stuff and that most pandemics resolve in about 10 years. Excellent. You know, in about the year, what would it be, 2030, it'll be old hat, as will we. Oh, my God. Dom, that means that they plan to have the Brisbane Olympics in 232 is actually Australia having a rational coherency. plan as opposed to just making shit up

that no one will ever call us on. Except that things come to Queensland several years too late is the only thing. But other than that, yes. Yes, absolutely. The problem is, though, that presumably the 2024 Olympics and the 28 Olympics will all be delayed.

So we'll have the 2013-1 Olympics, the 31-5 Olympics, and then the 20... Everyone will be Olympic in out by 2032. That's true. The Olympians will get tired and finally will get the thing that I have been waiting to see this entire time, which is just we get to take part. I mean, I will, I am really excited about the pentathlon. I don't know, I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it entails, but I feel like I'd be really good at it. Is that the one that involves shooting? No, I'm thinking of the biathlon. You know the one at the Winter Olympics where you ski and then just stop to shoot things along the way? I feel like that's just rich people hunting poor people. Wasn't that a movie? Like the plot of a movie where they take us on islands and hunt us? Yeah. Um, yeah, is that what Christmas Island exists, really is. Yeah. I just assume it was a hunting ground for the rich. Um, no, here's, here's what's happening right now in Melbourne. We're in lockdown. We're in another week in lockdown added. And fuck. I mean, just at this point, I told my daughter this morning that, you know, lockdown's been extended. And she just, just sagged her shoulders, sagged her head and walked off into the distance. I should really should go and find her at some point. Um, but the thing that's worrying me, and I think that upset. me is yet again, and I keep bringing this up to you guys, and yet again, you guys always

drop the ball on this, I'm getting fucking sick of it, is why aren't we talking about Queensland? Why aren't we, are we not discussing how Sydney and Melbourne need to band together and send Delta variant into Queensland? Because I don't know if you've seen, but George Christensen, one of the proud sons of Queensland, is back in the news again. Have you guys followed his latest announcement of a news channel? Yes. I actually look at this. He wants to be the Australian Matt Drudge. I actually was wondering how on earth, why on earth would you give up a guaranteed income as a backbencher, the right to discreditise and undermine Scott Morrison in the government's response at any point? Why would you give that up to start some pissy website? You know why? It's because all of us have bought into that lie of owning our own content, right? Like, there's the whole thing. He's basically, he's basically about to set up a Patreon or a substack and, you know, and more power to him because I'm probably going to go the same way.

But here's the thing with George Christensen that you have to understand is you're right. Like, why would you do all of those things? And I'll tell you why. It's because earlier this week, he gave a speech in Parliament. Less of a speech, more of a rant about not wearing masks. and how lockdown is bullshit and it's all made up. And the thing that most Queenslanders, I'm assuming, believe. And he gave this lecture. Facebook took it off. They wouldn't let him post it online because Facebook and now suddenly has standards.

And YouTube, which we thought had standards, still has the video up and it has allowed it to be up. And out of all his videos, every video that George Christensen has 20 viewers, this one has over 3,000 as of this morning. Oh, God. Which means he now thinks he's an influencer. Yes, and 3,000 views, that's like, that would be 12 cents worth of ad revenue. He's the next Matt Drudge. In all honesty, I asked what on earth he was doing, like how would he pay for this niche fringe thing? And then someone replied, I'm sure this is on Twitter, someone just said, oh, he's clearly being funded by mining billionaire.

So yes, I think he's actually going to do very, whether it's Clive Palmer or Gina Reinhardt, I don't know, probably Clive. But yeah, I mean, if I was George, I'd watch out for COVID. I don't think he's the kind of man who COVID eats for breakfast, right? I don't know. Does it though? Has there been any virus more disappointing than fucking COVID? If you go back and look at history, right?

The Spanish flu did a number on the political class of every major Western colonialist country at the time. Like, you can say what you want about the Spanish flu, but it did its job. What the fuck is COVID done? Peter Dutton had COVID recovered Donald Trump had COVID recovered everyone who gets COVID and is somehow a politician recovers and yet you and I

catch a sniffle will be dead in the morning Why? It's a bullshit virus It is a virus that is a bias Against the working class And in favour of the political class This is a Mnucan conspiracy theory I'm starting so I can launch my own news network As well and also compete with George Christians

Yeah Okay, staff. The Prime Minister needs someone to blame for climate change. Any ideas? Uh, how about Gladys? Nah, that would be the fifth time this week. What about the Labour Party? Nah, they're already down for the entire economy, the next recession, and for taking away our Uts. Oh, I got it. Greenies. Not bad. It might be a bit of a stretch, though, you know, blaming them for climate change.

Oh. Oh, I know. Australia Post. Australia Post is to blame for Rolexes and climate change. Not bad. Might be a bit repetitive. How about the bushfires? I love it. Flip the narrative. The trees are selfishly burning down, emitting carbon, causing climate change. Hmm, I worry that makes a bit too much sense, though.

Oh, yeah, good blame. Look, I've just run the numbers. We've never blamed mining companies before. Uh, get out. What? You can't talk about your boss like that. You're fired. Oh, I've got it.

We blame the scientists. What, the scientists are to... blame for climate change. Yeah. Yeah, they complain and try and blame everyone else for climate change, but they never do anything about it themselves. I love it. Yes. Great. Let's do it. Awesome. What are you doing just standing here? Why don't you go and tell the Prime Minister? Oh, no, no, he's gone away. He's on a two-week holiday to a why. I'll tell him when he gets back. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Now, Zandi, you've got an urgent concern that potentially affects all of our computers. What's going on?

Guys, so the government has just unveiled brand new legislation, which means they can completely take over your social media accounts and add whatever they want to your hard drive. Oh, that's great. Can they promote this podcast for us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So essentially what happens now is that, you know, if someone hasn't downloaded the Chase report,

we can contact the Australian federal police and tell them that, you know, someone's been trying to break into a farm or has married multiple other people or even trying to be getting cheaper internet, right? And they can go into that person's phone. and implant episodes of the Chaser report so it's already downloaded.

Hang on, hang on. Is this true? Is this true or is this like a joke? It's not a comic exaggeration. They actually, and what talks is about farms and bigamy? Okay, so essentially, right? The government has got this brand new legislation that says the Australian Federal Police

and Australian Criminal Intelligence Commission will have access to new warrants that will allow them to modify and access data, collect intelligence from online communities and even take over online counts of supposed individuals. Right. Wow.

So they're wanting to catfish people. That's what's going on here. They want to take over all the pretty people's Facebook pages. Hold on. Sorry, forgive me for maybe misreading the tone in the room. Isn't this a bad thing? Isn't this a very, very bad thing?

No, no, no, no, no, Gabby. It's only being applied to people who are criminals. So unless you've posted something on social media, that could be deemed menacing, harassing, or offensive, dishonestly tried to obtain cheaper internet, married more than one person at once, altered a registered trademark without permission, organized a protest that involves breaking into farms

or assisted any whistleblowers or being a whistleblower yourself, then you've got nothing to worry about. Yes. And who deems that, by the way? Oh, who cares? Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as you're posting nothing, details, details, menacing, harassing or offensive.

Yes. Like, why would you worry? I mean, I guess the question, Gabby, is what have you got to hide? Yes. Okay, I didn't want to do this here, all right? But there's a past about me that you might not know. And I really don't need the government finding all of the photos I took at the swimming carnival in year seven. There's like 5,065.

And I cannot get rid of them. And I've tried many times to delete them from my Facebook. But now I'm suddenly realizing that I think the AFB, do not want those photos deleted and they just keep coming back to haunt me. My friends every year will tag me and then go, oh my God, look at you.

Like, why did you take this many photos of just blurry feet? Is that why? It's like really upsetting. Is that why the Instagram account AFP, Gabby's Zoom, incandible photos just added me this morning? Well, I don't know.

I'm not in charge of it, am I? It's become an entity all on its own. And to the longest time I thought I was being stalked, but it turns out it was just, just the government. Now Gabby, one of the parts of the legislation is it says that the government can overtake your account and do all this spying activity if you've imported a whale or dolphin illegally. So in those swimming carnival photos, was it possible that you had illegally imported

a dolphin or whale and put it in the pool? Oh my God. I think there was a dolphin inflatable at some point. Exactly. So now they can take over your phone and input the Chaser report podcast. The swimming teams called the Dolphins. But better than that, they can resort her photos so she doesn't have to deal with all the 5,000 photos. It's actually really useful. If they are going to crack open my phone, can they go ahead and answer like the 60 unread emails I've got at the moment?

Because that would be amazing. Is this how the AFP becomes my social media manager? I would love that. So all you have to do is if you've got an inbox that is too full of emails, go on social media and say, fuck Scott Morrison and then the AFP will go through your emails

they'll sort through they may put in some potentially incriminating emails from you know maybe a gang or two or a dark online ring however the majority of your inbox will be sorted

but Zanda that presumes that police plant evidence that's never happened before in the history of defamatory and I fully expect the AFP to be logging into Xander's accounts in short order well you know what

If they put on more episodes of The Chaser Report, I won't be complaining. Today's episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by the Australian television industry because no one's giving us any streaming deals anytime soon. Gabby and Charles, just before we go, we're thinking about a career change. See, I mean, I enjoy all this podcasting and chatting and media stuff, but what I've always wanted to do was follow my dad into becoming a doctor and helping people and, you know, providing medical advice

and just making the world a bit better. Particularly now with the pandemic. I think it's a good idea. I mean, yeah. I mean, it's a long time in uni. Have you got the uni degree? You say this, Gabby, but it turns out you don't need to. A 27-year-old woman pretended to be a registered doctor

at a major South West Sydney hospital for eight months. It was Bankstown. Eight months. Bankstown Lidcombe Hospital. Yeah. She worked there from January to August of this year and no one realized she wasn't a real doctor. That freaks me out because no, no, I just. just finished Dr. Death, the show, and, nah, I'm just glad she's not a surgeon, because

Well, we aren't, it's not clear. It says she was supervised at all time. Can I guess that she was in charge of COVID? She was the one who was in charge of fixing the outbreak. That's literally the plot of Catch Me If You Can, isn't it? And suits. I mean, it's amazing. It's almost like, you know, doctors are just making it up and they can't even tell the fraud amongst them, and that we should all trust Pete Evans. I will say this, though. I do often wonder how many work places actually check if you have a degree as somebody with no degree and three attempted degrees, I feel like I could just say I have a theatre degree, print out a false certificate and then what are they going to do?

Yes. Mind you, the power of life and death over people doesn't really apply in community theatre. I mean, as much as I respect theatre, I reckon if you can convince people that you are a trained theatre practitioner, that's all the qualification you need. It's literally the qualification. And possibly not quite enough. That said, I mean, a bit of confidence will take you so far. I was going to say, clearly the doctor, well, the non-doctor, has a theatre degree.

Because I don't know how she kept that up for eight months. I mean, how hard could it be anyway? I mean, they've got Wikipedia. And doctors are always, in the hospitals, they're always going, oh, I'm really busy. I've just got to go over there for a second. So you could always just go over there, check your phone, find out what the spleen does or whatever. Come back and then go, oh, they need a splenectomy. I think it would be easy.

I think you could wing it. We should get a doctor on the show to confirm. Either that or we should try and apply to be one. Yeah. Who can land the doctor job first? Let's do that idea soon, Charles. Just set up the appointment with my medical receptionist. Dr Dominic Knight will be appearing on the show tomorrow.

Anyway, look, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, just saying you're a doctor or whatever it is. Adopt the profession of your choice and leave us a review as an expert. Our cues remote microphones. We're part of the AICAST, Create a Network. Catch you tomorrow. If Charles thinks that there's any purpose to tomorrow. See ya.

Bye. It won't be. What a great note to leave things on.