The Chaser Report - Save King Island Cheese

Episode Date: September 8, 2024

Andrew and Charles mourn as pillar of Australian society has fallen. The divine dairy brand that is King Island cheese has undergone a shock closure, so it's time for The Chaser to step in and save it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Andrew and Charles. Hello. How are you doing, Charles? We're making a habit of it. I'm very happy. I'm overjoyed with life.

You're overjoyed. I'm crushed. I am crushed. Why? What happened? Because I have a wedge of the most delicious in our... Look, you tell me. If there is a better smoked cheddar on earth than the King Island smoked cheddar, I will wait.

There is nothing, no, yeah, there is no better smoked cheddar. Like, I mean, we can all agree on that. Nothing much. But why are you crushed? I don't understand why you're crushed. Like, why don't you just go and buy some smoked cheddar, if that's what you're after? Because the stupid-assed Canadian-owned company has decided to close down, because there's not going to be any more King Island bloody smoked cheddar after some point in...

They're closing down King Island cheese. They're closing down King Island chief. The whole island, maybe even the whole island. I don't know. It's possible the entire island is going to be washed under the sea. It really, it's crudely. That's like saying, oh, they've decided to close down Vegemoth. Yeah, it is.

What does that even mean? No wonder businesses are struggling. No wonder, I mean, no wonder I don't have much money. Like, how can anyone survive if the greatest cheese that's ever walked the face of the earth can't make ends meet? Now, don't we have to throw to an ad for cheese. Oh, yeah, okay. Here's an ad. So King Island cheese.

And they've been around for, what, 120 years? 120 years. 120 years. Yeah, right. They did a lot of butter at first. We have another episode on butter, but yeah, they did a lot of butter at first, now cheese. So the thing is that their whole thing was, oh, it's very hard to be in the dairy industry nowadays. Like, you know, 30 years ago they went, let's diversify from butter into cheese and stuff like that.

Why don't we just make the best cheese in the world? That was their business model, right? It was a good business model. So they just made the best cheese in the world. And what you're saying is that is a stupid business model. Yeah, it doesn't work. Nobody wants the best cheese in the world. There's no demand for it.

Nobody wants good cheese. Because everyone's buying Kear cheese. Well, this is the infuriating bloody thing. Is that this Canadian company, Saputo, not only do they own King Island, they also own cheer, the stupid cheese that used to have the racist name. Well, why don't they? Why don't they shut down cheer cheese and make everyone buy King Island cheese? That's what I think.

Replace all those blocks of cheer that nobody wants. Yes. So they're undercutting themselves. It's outrageous, isn't it? Yes. I mean, they own. In fact, every Australian dairy product that you've heard of, I discovered by looking at this bloody Canadian Saputo website.

He's owned by their one company. Yes, if you've heard of the cheese. Yeah, and they've just gone, why don't we destroy it? Do they have any Canadian brands? Are there any famous Canadian brands of cheese? Have they just come out here? I could not spot a single one. As far as I can see, their entire mission was just to own every Australian bloody brand of cheese.

They own South Cape. They own Mill Lell. They own Devondale. They own everything. But tell me that they don't own Ginny. Oh, actually, no, you're right. Hey, they don't own Ginny. Oh, but I think, no, but didn't Gindigo go broke because all their triple cream cheese was infected with hysteria?

Oh, did that? No, really? That's pretty slanderous. We might have to fact check that. I'm looking at them up right now. Their website is still running. Oh, okay. I do remember there was a sort of mysterious scandal a few years ago.

No, look, I stand corrected. The current reviews on Google, like none of the reviewers have died of listeria poisoning. No, you're right. There is an old story from 2013. But also, it's one of those things where you go, You know, even if you did die of listeria poisoning while eating jindy triple cream brey, it's kind of worth it. That'd be a great death.

Great death. You have to go on the balance. Yeah. You just go, actually, yeah. What a way to go. What a way to go out. Stuffing my gob with triple cream brie. I reckon one of my favourite moments of my entire life, Andrew, was, it would have been 25

years ago now, was we went away up the North Coast, you and me. to write, I think it was. And we bought some jindy triple cream brey. We actually put it on this very nice coffee table that it then stained with some sort of immovable, like, fat stain. Remember that? From the cheese. I don't remember that to be ranked at table. The other thing that I remember was, we ate so much cheese that night that I think both of us probably had cheese sweat.

and woke up half the day through the night with this sort of nightmare cheese nightmares this is why your cholesterol is so bad now Charles it's from that one night it's actually 25 years ago it's the one incident on that one night the poor old poor old table well we've got to lament the passing of king oh hang on we've got to come up with a solution to save king island cheese like by the end of this episode we cannot end this episode until we've come up with solution to save it I agree we've got to come up with a solution to save it I agree we've got to come up with a solution to save it.

And it doesn't matter how much money it costs. Like, surely, I mean, billionaires eat cheese, don't they? There must be some well-meaning billionaire. Clive Palmer, I'm pretty short. Look at Clive Palmer, for example. Do you think he's an eater? I don't know, but he likes cheese, presumably. He could stab in.

Maybe. Do you think maybe it's because a Zempic exists now? Oh, God, probably. That, you know, everyone who can afford triple cream brie, which is admittedly only billionaires, suddenly go, oh, I don't feel like having cheese anymore because I'm on the Zempe because it suppresses your appetite. Oh, God, you're right.

Well, King Island's up against it then, isn't they? Well, what can they do? Nobody has an appetite. It's a terrible time to be a cheesemaker. Or anything maker, bloody hell. Not blessed of the cheesemakers. No, no, very unblessed of the cheese maker. Oh, this is terrible.

But how, well, I mean, if you were going to save the King Island. I mean, look, first I would just be ringing around the Gina Reinhards and Dick Smiths and things saying, look, could you just take it over as a hobby? Well, so you get a real asshole to buy. Yeah, yeah, yes. What we do is let's ring around

a whole lot of people that we really hate and see if they'll take it. Oh, Dick's, Dick's a good guy. Isn't the whole point that they're billionaires because they don't own useful things like dairy, you know, cheese making things? Vanity project. The problem is, though, I think, is that rich people

have hobby things, but they're always a vineyard, aren't they? They never seem to understand. own a cheese munger for some, but I don't know why, but they own a vineyard, and which I gather most vineyards, you know, run on an oil rag or whatever, but I presume that the problem that they face, look, I don't know anything about this story, but I presume the problem is not input costs because the dairy industry is notoriously, like the cost of milk at the moment is virtually nothing because the supermarkets have driven down the wholesale cost of milk.

So the input costs would be nothing. It would be labour costs, wouldn't it? Oh, you've got to pay the cows a lot. You've got to pay the cows. You've got to pay the workers. So that's what I'm thinking what we should do. And the labour standards, especially in Tasmanian agriculture, are quite high. I think it's quite well unionised and well organised.

So maybe the problem is actually the labour cost. Maybe what we need to do is move King Island cheese making to Bangladesh. This is how much. This is a brilliant idea to each other. This saves most businesses, right? Everything gets made in a sweatshop instead. So if we had the Bangladeshi cows just imprisoned in a, you know, in a factory where they have to make cheese 20 hours a day,

we could have fantastic mouth-watering King Island cheese coming out of that place for nothing, for the cost of the, you know, it wouldn't cost of a cent. Yes, and then what you do, because presumably, you know, consumers want to still get the sense that they're buying it from a King Island dairy. right is you just you know like the final step of the process you send it all to king island and i don't put a label or even just the label just the label alone is another like i discovered this you know when i there's these fantastic pickles i like and we in fact if you want to sponsor the podcast mcclure's pickles my gosh they're fantastic pickles and i

just sounds like they already are doing the podcast end yeah they're absolutely delicious and they They originally came from Detroit in the US. Oh, yeah. But then I noticed one day that the label had just changed. And no longer were the pickles made in Detroit. They were made in India. But they still had the same label on them, you see. Yes.

And so I didn't care. I could just put the label on. And that's all. You had a King Island cheese, you know, made in India or Bangladesh. I've actually tried McLewers. What are the ones that? that are called that are really, what are they called? They're called something like...

Pickles. They're pickles. It's very simple. No, no, but what's the one with the bread? Like, they're called something bread. They're called rough bread or something. What? I've never heard of that. Never heard of that. I agree.

I've actually, I've tried these before. They're amazing. I'm talking about just the standard ones that look like cucumbers and they got a bit, you know... Yeah, yeah, they've got crinkle cut, though. Oh, you're doing that chips, are you? No, no, no. Oh, the crinkle cuts. Yeah, they do sell the one that...

They're really nice ones. They've got these recipe. And they're not too sweet, though. That's the whole key with pickles. Some of the ones you can buy in Coles. They're lollies. You don't want a pickle that takes a little lolly, you know. Except for dessert.

I don't mind a dessert pickle. After them. I know that you've said that they've been offshort. Oh, my God, you can have pickle cupcakes. Have you ever tried a pickle cupcake? Oh, there's a perfect sweet for a sweet picket. That sounds absolutely mouth-watering. Okay.

In fact, I'm going to make those for my children. They'll be thrilled. So guess how much? a 24 pack of McClure's crinkle-cut, sweet and spicy pickles costs in Australia. Something appalling it would be very high, wouldn't it? Yeah, it's like $400. What website are you looking at? A pack of six goes for $97 in Australia.

I don't think it's that bad if you just go to Coles. You must be looking on an unusual... Oh, you know, a single one is $18. No, I'm not. I don't know what you're on about here. No, no, no. Maybe the price of them's gone up. Look, I don't know.

Hey, Charles, we should move on to Australian iconic break because we're waxing on about Australia. And I don't want to talk about American. The bread and butter pickles. They're the ones. The McClure's bread and butter pickles are absolutely delicious. Oh, bread and butter pickles. Okay, I don't think I've tried those.

All right. You should try it really honestly. Yeah. I've been looking for it. Where do you buy them now? Well, just coals. They used to be at Harris Farm. They're at coals.

They're at coals. Definitely. I am. The Chaser Report More news Less often Now I want us to luxuriate in some other In some wonderful Australian brands right now

You know sort of in honour or in memoriam of King Island Dairy Before we save it of course If you're listening and you're rich Step in and Save it I've quizzified this one a bit And for you if you're listening Here's a little quiz on some Aussie foods You love a good quiz thing

I like it because I'm quite good at you're Yeah, well, let's try this out. Try this out. Question one. Which Australian drink is named after a Greek wrestler who lived in the 6th century BC? Australian drink. Is it a brand name or is it like just a form of... A brand name.

This is a commercially available brand name drink. Well, my first thing is Forex. I mean... Oh, the famed Greek wrestler Forex. Oh, him. Oh, yes, as all the historians record. Greek wrestler, geez, that's hard. Mr. Cooper, I don't think that's great.

You might be thinking about alcoholic here. I'll give you a hint. You're talking about non-alcoholic drink. Oh, it says it's not yellow mellow though. No, that was named after a song by Donovan. And it wouldn't be V. V. Yes, the Greek wrestler V.

V. No, it's not V. Okay, okay, go, go, okay. It's got a Greek name and it makes you strong Or at least people used to think it made them strong The Greek god of oozer I don't know That's alcoholic

Um Oh fuck I don't know It's one you gotta put it into it's You know I say drink It's a drink you've got to sort of make up from powder Yourself Oh Tang No

Tang Teng Oh Milo Of course it's Milo Yeah I think that Tang might have been a Chinese rest of it No Milo It's Milo According to the Milo website, it was named after this Greek wrestler.

And it hit the market in 1934 and was originally developed, according to the website, quote, to address malnutrition in Aussie kids. Oh, right. Well, let you read that on the advertisements. Is your child malnourished? You need Milo. That's good. I approve of that.

So when is a Canadian company going to buy that and then shut it down? Hopefully soon. Well, that's the dream for all Australian companies. Yeah. And the other thing about Milo, the guy who, you know, was named after, was he was an Olympic champion. He was a six-time Olympic winner, Milo of Croton. Wow.

And did he have to perform naked? Was it back in the days? Yeah, I think it was back in those days. Yeah. Well, you've got to be all oily and naked to perform in the Olympics. You know, we could definitely run a cultural war thing against Milo saying it's not appropriate to market the kids naked Greek Olympians. And we would win.

We would win that. That's true. The Herald Sun, we would have this incredible panic, pito panic. That's a great idea. This woke brand that's named up. It's trying to get all multicultural by being named after a Greek guy. You know what we should do is we extort Milo and we tell Milo that's the campaign we're going to run. Get them to give us a whole lot of money as a settlement and then use that to buy King I.

To buy can island dairy. And we've solved the problem, Charlesville. You're a genius. Exactly. Yes. That'd be good if the culture wars could be used for something good. Just as long as no one finds out about our extortion plan, I think we're in the clear. Well, given the ratings that you keep reporting for the Chaser report, I think our secret's quite safe.

Okay. Keep going. What's the next question in the quiz? Let's get to alcoholic drinks now. All right. Now, which world famous beer was. invented by two American brothers after they moved from New York to Melbourne in 1886. And it's not 4X.

It's not 4X and it's not Milo. And it's world famous. Oh, it's Fosters. It's Fosters, yeah. It's fucking Fosters, yeah. That's the C-U-B. They come straight out of Victoria, don't it? It's a Melbourne beer.

Yeah. Very Melbourne. You see people in Melbourne drinking fosters all the time. Every time I go to Melbourne, they say, Oh, a pint of Fosters, please. Just to get him with the locals. That's right. Yeah, William and Ralph Foster invented that one.

You might be a great. You're a media man yourself, Charles. You probably need to be a shoe in view of this question. Which Melbourne Literary Magazine, speaking of beloved brands, was initially funded by the CIA. Overland. Incorrect. Mountbound. Mian.

No, that's Brisbane. I think it might be out of Brisbane. Literary magazine. Yeah. It's less literary these days. It's still around. Oh, it was that one that Guy Rundle edited for a while. It's quadrant.

It's quadrant. Oh, quadrant, really? That's not literary. That's sort of screeds boring people. It is, yeah, but it used to be literary. Yeah. That's amazing. I had no idea that quadrant was literary.

No, you wouldn't think so. I thought it was sort of like anti-indillinger. The whole point about it was to be as moronic as possible. No brains left unswitched off. That should be its new slogan. Well, anyway, yeah, the CIA originally apparently, you know, they kind of had the idea that they could, you know, plant certain ideologies into people's brains via a quadrant. Maybe we get the CIA to think that the way to sort of, sort of,

of influence Australian culture is to buy a Tasmanian dairy. They could do it. And then they buy King Island dairy. I can see the CIA jumping on this. Yes. And then you say, oh, this is a cultural thing. And, you know, cheese has cultures in it. Like, that's the whole thing.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. And they could implant spies could hide out in the butter factory. In the cows. Yeah. They could have a spy dressed as a cow. Like two spies. Gain the trust. Gain the trust of, you know, the people who run Australia from King Island.

You know, like, so every time a politician comes down there, you know, you feed them a bit of cheese and talk to them about how great the military industrial complex is. Boom. You've won them over. Hearts and mines. You've won the hearts and minds. You've won the hearts and minds. Oh, nice.

Now, do you want one more question? And if you ever need to assassinate somebody, because it's the other thing in the CIA is. You're still on this. You've got a whole lot of cheese and you just. death by cheese, which is really easy. You're full of cheese ideas for the CIA. If it's triple cream, you're just assassinate. That's the perfect crime because, like, it doesn't look like an assassination.

It just looks like somebody was enjoying too much cheese. The Gindi triple cream. Yes. Yeah, they should, they should export. Instead of, you know, all this arms trade business, no need for this. You'd never be able to assassinate anyone using cheer cheese. No one has ever gone. Oh, my God.

I want to eat so much cheese I die with cheer cheese. A thin slice and be enough. Yeah, be thin, oh, that's enough. Look, I've got more, but I feel like we need to wrap it up, don't we? Oh, really? Oh, I was enjoying these. I mean, okay. Do you want to keep going?

We'll last, how many more questions do you have? We can do it really rapidly. Give you one more. Give you another one here. All right. This was just about, like, I was thinking about, you know, how long King Island had been around. And as you say, 120 years, you know, some of Australia's oldest brand. are actually law firms I've discovered

when I was looking up like really old Aussie brand beloved Aussie brands like Allen's Well I mean how has it a guess Charles Which decade do you reckon Alan's law firm started up Oh it would have been It would have been to defend the MacArthur's Or I reckon 1820s Yeah you are right yes yes 1820s

Yeah you've got on You are good at my quizzes They're stuck in the 1830 20s And one of my favourite childhood memories I should leave it on this one. You know, you'd used to go to the movies as a kid, and they'd always be Val Morgan Cinema Advertising. Ah, yes, Val Morgan.

You remember Val Morgan? You still, they still exist. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Val Morgan. How long do you reckon Val Morgan cinema advertising has been around? Well, Australia invented cinema, didn't it? So I reckon it probably... Did we?

It'll be ridiculous. It'll be silent, the movie's era. I reckon 1910s Would be my guess Well, incredibly 1894. What the fuck? They've been around since before.

You know, before we invent film, here's an ad. Yeah, they started hanging around waiting for the invention of cinema for years. They're just handing out pamphlets at the place where they thought

as a cinema might happen. Look, we've got these lovers idea for advertising on a particularly large screen. But if anyone could build one, that'd be fabulous for us. We are losing money rather rapidly well

the answer is because you reckon Val was one of the guys who's you know because originally back in the 1890s you'd go to circuses and things like that and you'd look through

a spinning wheel and it would show you like a stop frame animation that was oh yes those things like a Zoe trope isn't it yeah so yeah exactly zoetrope so

maybe Val was one of those spinners into one of those and see And he went, you know what we can do? We can do it as. And half the old Zoe Trope was just the Val Morgan ad. Val Morgan's Zoe Trope advertising.

Whoop, that's all we've got time for. I think the actual answer is they were just an advertising company. Right. In other media. Not in non-cinema media. Maybe, Andrew. Val Morgan should buy King Island dead. and use all their cinema ads to promote King Island Brea.

Oh, I imagine the Exposure. Yes. The three people who go to the cinema nowadays will all want to eat Brie. They'll be desperate for a piece of that, piece of that brie, piece of that roaring 40s blue. Yes. Fantastic idea. Get it in the cinemas. Well, I think we've solved all the problems.

I'm off to eat a piece of smoked cheddar myself, Charles. I don't know about you. Oh, yeah, definitely. I think we've solved it. Cinema advertising. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Iconicless network. We need Dombeck.

So he can do the witty out at the end. He's very good at wrapping things up. Oh, he is. Well, let's just enjoy his absence instead. See ya. Bye.