The Chaser Report - Scomo Needs a Day Job

Episode Date: November 8, 2023

This episode must be recorded in a time machine because Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison think they're relevant again. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Dom, big news out of the Middle East. Scott Morrison has decided to save the day. Oh, look, this is what the crisis needed. He would have been with his rights. He's a backbencher these days, just sort of turning up and getting his salary and reflecting on the glory that was. But no, that's not what he's chosen to do.

He's chosen to riot to the occasion. And along with Boris Johnson, they've travelled to Israel for a solidarity trip. They were there, basically. When there's a crisis in the world, the man you need is Scott Morrison, Charles Scott Morrison, and nobody else would do. Yeah, look, I was very confused because his historical method is to find out there's a crisis and then flee over to Hawaii. But then, and it made me go, I wonder whether, you know, there's a bushfire or something. near him and that's why he's headed overseas. Oh, I see. Okay. But no, it turns out he heard that the best place for a photo op in the whole world at the moment is Israel. And so he decided he got

dressed up in the flak jacket. I don't know whether you've seen all the photos, but there's lots of flak jackets, lots of hard hats, all that sort of stuff. And he's there on the front line in front of the cameras doing what Scott Morrison knows best, which is embarrassing Australia on the world stage. More in a moment. I'm not that familiar with Israeli cuisine, Charles. I know that there's hummus and flat bread and things like that. There's generally the cuisine in the Middle East. As far as I know, is entirely free of curries.

So maybe Morrison thought that what he could do was just turn up and make a tasty chicken curry, just for the troops in the front line. James Schleffel from the shovel has reported this morning that Scott Morrison has actually solved the Middle East crisis by serving up one of his raw chicken curries to Hamas, who have all now died. There you go. Yeah, there you go. Wouldn't that be amazing to have some manner of impact on world events?

It would be novel. So this is a very strange business. There's obviously a kind of propaganda, PR war going on for public opinion. We see lots of utterly heartbreaking images out of Gaza, where you see hospitals being airily bombed and so on. And Charles, we all know this is a conflict that requires enormous nuance. You wouldn't want to get 100% behind either side. And even politicians who are very supportive of Israel,

even they point out that killing civilians is something that's perhaps best avoided. I assume Scott Morrison on his trip with Boris Johnson, they're both known for their nuance and mastery of detail, aren't they? And not just shooting off at the mouth and saying the wrong thing. Yeah, which is why they've gone in under Team Israel, and it's all about Team Israel. Although I must say it is true that, as I understand it, coming out of the Middle East, there is a sort of unity ticket emerging.

There's a united sense emerging between Israelis and Palestinians, which is they are all united on the idea that he shouldn't get out his ukulele. So I think the one thing that could possibly just, you know, you always see peace coming from these weird angles that you never expect it. Like that's how these things work in world history. I think that if he does, if he has brought his ukulele, as he's rumoured, there is every possibility of a sort of joint Israeli-Palestinian ticket, basically. A campfire sing-along would be the one thing.

It's like people talk about consensus around avoiding nuclear weapons. And that's really, but this is a far more scary outcome for the world, even the nukes being used. I'm just looking at his comments here, Charles, and it's really the nuance that I appreciate from him. And you haven't seen this from people like Paul Keating. You haven't certainly not from Malcolm Turnbull, who's been very critical of Scott Morrison's willingness to get involved in something that really had nothing to do with him. He's come out and told reporters that the world should not get suck it into supporting a ceasefire. He says that a ceasefire would be a play from Hamas.

He's seen through their lies, Charles. The lies that if you stop killing people, you might actually be able to get peace in the situation. Morrison's seen through that. Yes, exactly, yes. What you don't want is simplistic solutions when even more simplistic solutions are out there available, which is to just back in Israel at the expense of any other thought. comments came in after meeting with the Israeli president, Isaac Herzog. So he somehow found time in a terrible conflict to meet with two people who have absolutely

no influence at all in world affairs, Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison. And that's what the comment was right after that. So he did say, and I'm quoting here again, that there was a willingness to ensure humanitarian support in its discussions. So at least lip service child was given to the notion of not killing everybody. Do you think that maybe this is a signal. of how weak Israel actually is. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Like, I presume, you know, they've tried all the major world leaders, haven't been able to get them. They've probably gone down to the second-rung world leaders, like the whole, you know, Kim Jong-un, I would have thought might be sort of on the second tier of people you want backing you in, and unable to get any of them. And then go down, well, you know, we weren't going to invite them.

It's sort of like the, not even D-List, sort of Z-list. No, it's not even a D-list, I'm afraid to say, yeah. And, I mean, Scott Morrison is technically a parliamentarian, so he's more relevant than Boris Johnson, but he's an opposition backbencher, Charles, they're not top of the list when it comes to dignitaries. Yeah, and eventually gone, well, I suppose they'll have to do. So, yeah, so it really does show how isolated Israel is becoming.

Charles, I think you've completely missed the boat here. I'm sorry to say, I don't think that's what it is at all. You might have seen that during the period of the war in Israel, they've actually they've got a unity government have you seen that they've got the opposition and the ruling party

the Netanyahu group have actually just come together in a moment of national unity because they recognise that some things are more important you've got to change the rules Charles when there's a crisis you can't have business as usual

and in Scott Morrison they have someone the only person in the world the only person in the world Charles who's led a government as prime minister and served in no less than what 20 senior ministries at the same time he's now the prime minister of Israel. He's the defense minister. He's the chief of Mossad, I understand, as well.

Yes. Also, agriculture minister, he's in charge of, you know, growing more food in that drought-impacted region. And also, I think he's also got a very senior position within Judaism, which is unusual for an evangelical Christian who probably doesn't think very highly of Judaism. I think he's also appointed himself head of Hamas. He's a bit awkward. Yeah, that's true. And you, in Secretary General, charged with brokering a solution. You think maybe Scott Morrison has gone over there, not actually for, you know, the peace, you know, or the war or whatever, but actually because he heard about this whole government of national unity thing.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. He thinks it might be a way back in to power back in Australia. They won't say no to anybody. Yeah. Either that or it's a counterintelligence mission, Charles, in that he doesn't have much intelligence. Isn't it funny how the moment Scott Morrison does anything, it's like, let's do an episode. Quickly, we've got a whole episode worth of Scott Morrison jokes. We haven't wanted to talk much about this.

It's all the same jokes as always. I mean, did he go to the Tel Aviv Maccas when he needed a bathroom stop? Well, I heard there was a bit of an explosion at the Tel Aviv Maccas, eh? Uh-oh. Is that her mask or Scott Morrison? Yeah. Yeah, they write themselves. It's fair to say, I mean, Scott Morrison has been the most phenomenal gift to satire.

He really, I mean, even after leaving office, and I can't think of another Prime Minister who this is True of, after Tony Abbott left office after his departure. The onion thing endured. The onion things were very good. And the library, I think after, I think he was suffering from a bit of attention, you know, deprivation disorder. And he made that weird social media post about how he'd just discovered one of those little book huts. Oh, yes, the books by the side of the road.

Yeah. And he just sort of went, I've just discovered this new thing that everyone has everywhere. Get on board. Yeah. But you're right. Like, he faded much more quickly than Scott Morrison, where Scott Morrison just kept giving. He had the ministry scandal.

He had the Robodet where he came out. Don't forget Robo Debt. And he demanded an apology. This is true. He demanded an apology over his role in Robo Debt. Australian people needed to apologise to him for his role in Robo Debt. It made no sense. Well, Charles, presumably he can do that, can he?

on behalf of all of the Australian people, all 25 million of us, he could temporarily assume all of our roles. Yes. And then apologise to himself. Yeah, that could be very good. So, look, it's nice to see him wanting to get involved. It just raises the question, Charles. Look, what should his job be going forward?

There's rumoured that he's wanted to roll for it for some time. Why don't we find a job for scoma after this? We haven't discussed Boris Johnson's role in all this either, which is also enormously an enormous gift to satire, if not to the peace process. Okay, so Boris Johnson, you've got a man here. If we think about Boris Johnson's legacy tales and what he's best known for, he's done so many things in his career, mostly fathering children.

But the thing that brought him down, and we haven't really discussed this enough, I think, on the Chase Report, because it's one of the most amazing moments in the politics of this century. He was brought down for throwing inappropriate parties. Yes. So what I'm wondering is if his role in all of this is to just travel around the kibbutzers that are most directly affected, the places that have suffered the most in Israel, and just putting on drinks. Do you think?

Absolutely. It's having a bit of a bit of a party. Especially inappropriate parties. Yes. Go to an orthodox end of town and, I don't know, have some sort of salacious, you know, I don't know, like a pork sandwich fest or something. I don't know. Just do something really inappropriate.

Sausages. Yeah. Pork sausages. Would you like some of this meat and milk combination I put together? But the other thing about Boris is the timing. He's exquisite with timing. And the thing is, I know. My heart goes out to anyone affected.

There have been a lot of civilian casualties in Israel that were terrible, of course, as well as thousands and thousands of them in Gaza. But there have been a lot of funerals, Charles. And most people during a funeral season, they're full of respect. They certainly wouldn't want to celebrate anyway. But Boris, the night before a major funeral, for instance, Prince Phillips funeral, we'll have a party. So he'll be there leading everyone in song and just pouring drinks

and just basically behaving like a member of the Bullington Club, which he is. Yes. I like that idea. The Chaser Report. Less news more often. I think this underscores just how indesperate needs Scott Morrison is of a day job, right? He does. With some sort of relevant, some sort of role.

And he's clearly, he's tried the evangelical circuit in the US. He even wrote a book about his love of Jesus. That doesn't seem to con anywhere. He tried to get a partnership at PWC, but they rejected him. That was pretty funny. Just, we've commented on this before, but it is, um, Mua, chef's kiss on that one. So, I mean, he's really stuck, isn't he? He needs, like, I would guess he's tried to get a job, you know, as a chef at a carry restaurant.

Oh, of course, yeah. No, look, he would absolutely have been doing the rounds of the Indian restaurants of Sydney. Have you got any uncooked chicken that I can work my wonders on? So what, I mean, what? And Jenny must be going absolutely crazy. Oh, can you imagine? And the Jenny and the girls. I think probably Jenny suggested.

Jenny would have suggested, why don't you go across and solve the Middle East crisis, knowing that it gets him out of the house for a few weeks. Absolutely. It just gives him a sense of imaginary purpose. It doesn't need to be a real job. It just needs to feel like one. It needs to have the trappings of, I mean, there's an obvious role. Governor General.

It's probably going to come up. Governor General, we both thought the same thing. Yeah. Although, does Jenny sing? Oh, she could. I mean, Scott sings, if you want bad singers in Yarolumla, I don't think you need to look past Morrison himself. Look, I've seen Philip Adams recently trying to push forward Marsha Langton,

the idea of having an Aboriginal woman as Governor-in-lawful-qualified. Which is a nice idea until you think, well, we've got to stash, like Scott Morrison somewhere. Yeah, that's right. And I think, or maybe state governor, I mean, Governor-general still has some, you can still dismiss the Prime Minister in that role. Maybe state governor, or maybe, is there some sort of vice regal job in the Northern Territory, perhaps? If there isn't one, we could perhaps create a role?

Isn't Lord Howe Island a sort of weird legal? Oh, yeah. Sort of... Yeah, yeah, no, Lord Howe Island's got some connection. Norfolk Island, you can perhaps. Yeah, I think on Norfolk Island, because there's only a few hundred people on Norfolk Island. But there are a sort of self-governing territory. I think that's where he should go.

He should go. Yes, start a church. Be the governor of Norfolk Island. The Lord's calling you there. Well, the other thing is Charles, and this is really an exciting opportunity. The Australian Antarctic Territory's never had a living administrator year round. It's never had someone to run the place. It's just been scientists in bases.

Yes. You could set scummo up down there with a ukulele and an inkloof, and he'd love it. It could be king. And the advantage, there's a huge advantage to that, which is, you know how all the other countries in the world are trying to impinge on Australia's territory down there at the moment? Yes, yes. Because we grabbed the most of it.

Yeah, we own most of it, or we claim most of it, and it's likely to melt and there'll be tons of resources. If Scott Morrison went down there full time, no one would want to go near there. They'd just go, okay. You could give him an amplifier. for the ukulele, a vast amplifier. Protect the southern regions. Yeah, I mean, I think that would be a fabulous contribution from there.

He could have a number of, he could be the, he could be. I mean, that's the one place, Charles. I'd be very, it's the only place in the world where I think it would be completely, in fact, sensible for the one man to be prime minister, minister of defense, foreign affairs, all the way. You could have every role in the entire government. It suits his skills in the Australian Antarctic territory. And also, you can't use hoses in Antarctica.

You're not going to have to hold a hose. The water freezes, yeah. That's right. There's zero chance of a bushfire in the Australian Antarctic Territory. It's the one place where his skills would be most used. That's it. That's the place he should go. Well, I'm glad we've solved this.

It'd be tough for Jenny and the girls, but they'd cope. No, that'd be all right. What would he do about curries down there? You give him a little stove. Yeah, well, he doesn't need to cook them. I'm just imagining him preaching in a pulpit to a bunch of penguins about his love affair with Jesus. The guy does need a job. I mean, even Tony Abbott, Charles, even Tony Abbott of all people,

he's on the board of Fox in the US now. I mean, that's a serious role. Yes. He might be carrying the drinks. I don't know what his role is on the board, but he'd be getting flying around and a lot of money for that. Sure, there's someone. I mean, it's an indictment, isn't it?

Of him that no one in corporate Australia has tapped you on the board and said, Scott, come on, mate. Come on our board. He's a few hundred grand. Quantis are looking for new board members. Oh, yeah. I kind of feel like Quantis's brand values are very much aligned. with Scott Morrison.

Well, Qantas does fly to Hawaii, Charles. Our gear is from road. We are part of the Iconiclass Network. Catch you tomorrow.