The Chaser Report - Scott Morrison - In Memoriam

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Scott Morrison is finally, finally, finally gone. We did it folks. God is real. (If you listened to this episode and it had the wrong audio that was the Morrison incompetence seeping through.) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, this is a rough day for Australian comedy. We've got to acknowledge the elephant no longer in the room. Scott Morrison has resigned from Parliament. And if you thought that he'd already resigned from Parliament, that is not true. He has now resigned from Parliament.

No, he was the member for Cook. the backbench, saying extremely quiet. Some said that he should have done more, that taxpayers weren't getting value out of him in that role. I'm sure he was doing exactly what Peter Dutton wanted him to do by saying absolutely nothing at all. This is the last time that we'll be able to crack Scott Morrison jokes. Well, actually, it'll be the last time that we can crack Scott Morrison jokes

and then being topically referenced. We still do. Definitely keep doing it as we go forward. But I think today we just need to just go through the highlights. and the low lights of Scott Morrison and just tell all the joke. Scott, we barely knew you and yet we knew you way too well.

More after this. So Charles, I think in telling the story of Scott Morrison, we need to acknowledge that his impact on Australian comedy began long before he even entered Parliament. And we didn't know this at the time. We didn't know that behind the where the bloody hell are you at that so many of us mocked for so long that gave Lara Bingle to the world.

That also gave us Scott Morrison, the genius behind that campaign Before we even knew who he was as a public figure Appointed as a mate by the Liberal Party to run Tourism Australia Would you say he overwhelmed everybody with his competence in performing that role? Well, I think it's a case study for marketing, isn't it, in how not to do marketing? It wasn't it widely considered a terrible campaign? Absolutely, no, it was because it got everyone talking because it had the words bloody hell Yes, yes.

But I don't think the core function of getting people to want to come to Australia actually cut through. No. So if I recall, he was then basically sacked. He didn't get on well with the then tourism minister. And I think he got punted over to Tourism New Zealand at one point. I think that's right. And then he got back.

He got involved in Liberal Party local politics. And he wanted to run for Cook. This is the next time that he really sort of had a bit of a thing. And he was losing, right? Like the person who he was about to lose to in the pre-selection was quite a well-respected Liberal Party moderate. Yeah, Michael Tauke. Michael Tauke, that's right.

And famously, the way Michael Tauke got taken out in that race is that the Labor Party did a backgrounder on Michael Tauk and leaked it to Scott Morrison. So Scott Morrison got up with the assistance of the New South Wales Labor Party. Is that true? Yes. Wow. I was certainly a big investigation into that, and Tauk sued the Daily Telegraph for defamation after those allegations proved to be false. But by that stage, Scott Morrison had already been

pre-selected. So whether or not he was involved, Charles, he certainly benefited from what happened. Yeah, maybe he was just the Stephen Bradbury of Liberal Party politics. I should correct what I just said. He ran New Zealand tourism before he ran Australian tourism, which does make sense as a progression. Well, I suspect, though, that it's one of those things where, If he was in charge of tourism, New Zealand, you probably would be, you know, and he was applying to run Australian tourism, you would give him a glowing reference, wouldn't you? You'd go, oh, yeah, he's great. You can have him.

Oh, of course, that's what probably happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah, no, he's too good for us. Yeah. We don't need him here anymore. That's right. And of course, this is what gave rise to Scotty from marketing. Yes.

Which proved an enduring label. In fairness, it was Petuta Advocate, wasn't it? It was Petitra Advocate. It came up with that. It came up with a very enduring title. I mean, to be fair, it was probably Scott Morrison's colleagues who actually referred to him as that. So, yes, he was there.

And the thing about Scott Morrison is he's gone shy for his personal brand for so long. People forget that he grew up in Bronte, completely different part of Sydney. Following rugby union. The richest suburb in Australia, I believe. Is it? Yes, I think so. Who buy postcode, yeah. Following rugby union, not rugby league.

whole thing with the Sharkey's hat. Oh, yeah. And just his embrace of rugby league and basically the bug and suburban Australian lifestyle a little bit down a little bit like. Completely synthetic. And in fact, I think he flirted with going for an AFL team first, didn't he? Like, he actually, he started off going, oh, no, I should probably go for an AFL team and then realized, no, that that's the wrong marketing. I mean, are you saying, are you saying, Charles, that the politicians choose their team affiliations simply as a sort of branding issue? What are you saying about Albo and the bunnies, eh? I'm saying, yeah, you're right.

Like, it's a happy coincidence. It's a happy coincidence, yeah. I mean, to be fair, Albo was into the bunnies for a long time. And even when nobody, even Albo thought he was going to become Prime Minister, I suppose. But also, wasn't he, didn't he go for the rabidows, even after they'd been chucked out of the NRL? Remember they got chucked out of the NRL? Oh, there was a whole protest thing. Yeah, he was part of that.

That's true with Andrew Denton and so on. Yeah, so he was going for the loser side the whole time. Yeah. It's just as he backed Kevin Rudd in the leaderships bill. It's amazing Albu's Matt. And it's so funny because, you know, the Rabidows used to be the sort of working class heroes. Yes, they were. And they're now owned by a bunch of fucking billionaire creeps.

And Russell Crow, who's not a billionaire. Yeah. But Albo's, there's still very much Albo's team. Oh, I see what you're doing. You're saying he's evolved along with the bonnet. Well, there was the period there when they were running Armani suits. And we've gotten off the topic of Scott Morrison, and I think there's a reason for that, Charles. We will, we'll bring ourselves back to Scott Morrison because we need to pay tribute to the departing prime minister.

But it's also fair to say the thing about Scott Morrison is he's a lingerer. He's a lingerer. It wasn't just in the seat of cook, but he kind of just remained in our consciousness for so long that all the jokes got made again and again. As Scott Morrison said, it's not a race. He's very slow, very slow with things like vaccine rollouts and leaving the scene. And in fact, the biggest political story of the Albanese government's first six months was his multiple jobs. It was basically a complete, he was the gift that kept on giving.

I know, and it was laden with so many ironies. It was sort of like gold standard in irony, which was this man who, you know, historically had just not done anything. He literally made a virtue of not having the job of holding a hose. I don't hold a hose, mate. It's not my job. And you've got to remember that, A, his predecessor, Tony, Abbott did.

Like, what did we say about Tony Abbott? He loved holding hoses. Yeah. But that was part of the thing of going off to Hawaii, which was the beginning of the rot, really, for Scotty from Martin. Yeah. And the idea that he would then take six ministries or five ministries up, as well as the pro-ministerhip, when he wasn't even going to do any work for them, it was just

sort of gold-class. It was so ironic, but it was also such an Australian, white, middle-aged male attitude. Like, don't you think it was like, oh, yeah, I'll just. take all the jobs. Time me up. I won't do anything for that one. Yep, yep, yep. So do we know what he's going to do?

This news, it's got a global role. Well, he's executive deputy vice junior vice chairman. Is he? Yeah, it's something like that. It's some defence group. So essentially, this is my conspiracy theory, which is Australia paid $368 billion for Orcus. Yes.

So that Scott Morrison could get a job after stopping being prime minister, right? Like, he knew that he was essentially unemployable. Well, wasn't that proven by the PWC? The strong rumour that he had wanted to go to PWC that they thought that there would be reputational risk involved. Yes. Speaking of irony, I mean, Scott Morrison is very good. At irony, yeah.

But so this firm that he's now gone to, it's like a defence consultancy firms. It's called something like the strategic defence initiative as I mean. He's working with Mike Pompeo, I see. And, yeah, the guy who runs the thing used to, to be Trump's national security adviser and has been touted as somebody who may actually end up being the vice president of America. Pompeo? No, no, not Pompeo.

Oh, Scott Morrison could do that job as well. We probably will. No, I think the guy who runs the strategic firm that Morrison's going to. American global strategies. Yes. And it's got to focus on U.S. and Indo-Pacific strategic issues. He's also working with Mike Pompeo, who was a CIA director under Trump. as an advisor to an asset management firm called Dine.

So essentially, yeah, I mean, of the Scott Morrison legacies, you would say he gets credit for Orcas. He does. That's something he actually does get credit for, which is why Emmanuel Macron hates him so much. He gets credit for funneling $368 billion into the American industrial complex. Which is now providing him with a job. And I think that that's, but I think anything less than $368 billion, you probably would go,

I don't think we want him around. I think it would be hard to sell. And that's, you've got to fall credit to him. If you think Orcas is a brilliant idea that's going to definitely deliver value for money for Australia going forward. Take a bow, Scott Morrison. If you think that a bunch of hypothetical future submarines

is what's going to keep us safe from a Chinese encouragement in the Indo-Pacific, well done that man. No, but I think you've got to look at the $368 billion in a more holistic sense, which is that it costs $368 billion for Australia to get rid of Scott Morrison. Oh, yeah.

And to that extent, it is extremely good value. Like, we have never spent $368 billion better. But it's also, Charles, the thing is, and to give credit for Scott, to Scott Morrison as well, with that money. It's kind of like how when you're in the mafia, like you've got to basically give a lot of money up to the boss, right? It's not a protection racket. It's just what you have to do.

You've got to get the big kid your best things out of your lunch, and that's what we did. And system has been. around for millennia. Like, you know, in ancient Greece, Athens would come along and they'd sort of go, here, you need to pay tribute to our city. Yeah, you can be part of our protector, right? If you just give us a big bit of tribute. That's what it is, $368 billion worth of tribute.

And that's an analysis you won't have heard anywhere else except here on the Chaser report. Because we have the ancient history now, so, to make the... The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. But it's true. It's basically saying, hey, America, we'll give you something. so much money that you can't abandon us, basically. Yeah.

But they still can. But I think the point is that as soon as you banked the check, you can. I mean, there's tons of examples in, you know, ancient Greece where the moment they stopped paying tribute, Athens would abandon them. Like, that is literally, like, it never ends. The tribute never ends. You got, you know. So it's $13.68 billion next year as well, I presume.

Yeah, like, yeah, and the thing is, it'll get more and more and more because they've now tested our What they'll do is, I fucking bet this is what's going to happen. The CIA will interfere in Australian politics, again, install someone equally as annoying as Scott Morrison, and then we'll have to pay up more just to get rid of the new guy. Does this explain the dismissal, though? Because this is the thing I didn't realize, listening to that, the 11th podcast. I didn't realize the extent to which the Americans were involved in the whole thing. They totally flew in a few weeks beforehand, got rid of Whitlam, flew back out.

Like, it's extraordinary. So do you think, I mean, As we head towards the next election and the big fight that's on here now over tax and the stage three tax cuts, which have been speaking about as well on the podcast. Which is another gift. I mean, Morrison is the fart that is in a lift. You know, like, he's the fart in the lift. Like, you just cannot get rid of the stench that he's left behind.

Because, yeah, the stage three tax cuts is this. Which Labor agreed with. Yeah. For those earning 200 grand or whatever it is. Yeah. And is now going to have to sort of back around. Mind you, like, Dom, as a political, as an influential political commentator, I would say, you've been saying they should scrap the stage three tax cut, well, for years, right?

And now it looks like they're going to, they're at least going to modify them. I mean, again, this is getting off the topic of Scott Morrison because we don't really want to talk. Yeah, look, I think it's the podcast, Charles, because you've seen it as well. I think finally the Chase's report is, is, the influence is being thought. Just because we pointed out that when there's a massive cost of living crisis, it's Probably not entirely compatible with winning the next election to give a tax cut only to the rich people. Yes. And I think what happened, this is my read of the situation.

Sure, give us your read. Albo caught up listening to all the episodes of the Chaser report from last year. Over summer, of course. Over summer. Hello, PM. And he went, oh, yeah, no, we shouldn't do that. And that's why he's... The penny dropped.

And two weeks early, he calls an emergency meeting going, we've got to listen to Charles and Dom from the Chaser Report. So, yeah, so Scott Morrison. We have, I mean, the problem is... Do we have to talk about it? If you want a record of Scott Morrison, all you need to just going back and listen to every previous episode from the past few years. Because, I mean, we could talk about things like the vaccine stroll out.

We could talk about all the multiple jobs. We could talk about the black summer bushfires and how he comprehensively failed to handle them and then called in the military, only to alienate all the people from the RFS, all of his fixes that made things worse, all the highlights. What about shoveling? what was it, $48 billion into private consultancies in his last term of government? I mean, the car parks that never got built. Yeah.

All those things. We could mention it, but it's, I think everyone's sick of all of that when it comes to Morrison. I think we're bored. We're so bored of Scott Morrison. I'm going to, I'm going to call this. I'm going to, I'm going to lay it out there. Yeah. I don't think Engadine's even funny anymore.

Jesus. Actually, no, it still is. The thing that I love about Engadene, and I actually looked into this, The thing I love about it is that it was invented by a comedian. It was. It was invented by someone on social media. And the thing that's, it's a unique joke, I think, in Australian political history. Because no one actually believes it's true.

It's incredibly unfair. And that's what makes it so enjoyable. Something about Scott Morrison that just makes everyone want to share an embarrassing story that we know couldn't possibly be true. Just because the idea of it is amusing, not just the shitting himself thing, but even the concept of sharing. that little bit nugget. There's a real schoolyard bully behaviour

to it, isn't it? It's like harkens back, but because he's the kid who totally deserves to be bullied. But then he's laughing. So he was trying to laugh along with it. I remember when Kyle and Jackie O, they asked him about it and he denied it. But then made great, great, it went to a great extent to try and explain how funny

he thought the whole thing was and how, whenever they drive past Engadene, because you do when he drive to Canberra from his electric. Yeah, yeah. Like what a great laugh it always is to Oh, do you want to stop here, Scotty, you know, you're busting? Can you imagine every single time the rictus grin he would have had to put on his face? Do you remember how much he lied? That was just a good reminder of how, you know, he'd say these things, which were clearly not true.

Like, oh, I always laugh at that story about how I shit my pants. And you'd just go, it's just not true. Like, you don't have to just lie all the time. Remember how it was just this compulsive lying. I think that's what made it so. infuriating. It was, it was like, we'd like you better if you were just the mean cunt that you actually are rather than pretending to be that you're not. Like, you would actually do better just by not pretending to be someone you're not, Scott. I mean, Charles,

when I look at this, when I look at the man's career and all that he's achieved in high office, I really see God's hand. And that's what his book, he's got a new book out. Mike Pence, another failed far-right politician, write the forward to it. Oh, right. It's about, basically, it's a, it's a Prime Minister's testament to God's role in his life. And you probably know the story that Scott Morrison was down. He thought he was going to lose the election to Bill Shorten. But then he saw an eagle in a shop, he saw this eagle in a second-hand shop or something.

And he saw the eagle and thought, oh, that's God. That eagle's God. God wants me to win and try. So he bought the eagle picture, and that was it. And God was the wind beneath his wings, Charles, for all those years driving him up. And when Peter Dutton thought that he had the numbers, Scott Morrison knew. God's hand was active. And this is the thing that confuses me about Christianity, Charles.

Because at some point, do you ask yourself, when the whole thing goes absolutely pear-shaped a few years later, when you become hugely unpopular, and when even, you know, the post-mortem that the Liberal Party ran in 2022 basically concluded that everyone hated Scott Morrison and that's why they lost the election? Yes. Is that God's hand as well? Like being absolutely humiliated and everyone in the whole country thinking that you shout yourself, Do you say that's God, that's the eagle as well?

Or do you sort of just stop? No, no, that was Jenny's fault. Jenny and the girls, of course. Also, he does love a curry. Oh, do you think that that's what his role is, this new consultancy firm? Executive chef. He's executive chef. I don't know.

All I'll say, it could be. Look, I've seen the pictures of the curry. As long as the chickens cooked, which doesn't always seem, they look vaguely palatable. All I'd say is if you're wanting Scott Morrison to cook your dinner, I wouldn't be in a rush. It's not his thing. It's not going to be... It's not a race, Charles.

It's not a race. But if it was a race, he didn't win it. At this point, I think we can say. So, well, look, we've talked about all the bad things about Scott Morrison. But before we go, let's just pause and reflect on all the good things that Scott Morrison did. So there we go. Jacea report for another week. We'll be back next week with daily episodes.

Soon. Yeah, soon. Or is that the week after? So, we'll see. But no, look, our Gehry is from Road with part of the iconic class network. And as we say goodbye to Scott Morrison, here's something that we prepared earlier

that I think says farewell better than we ever could, except it was us saying it back then too. Wasn't it? Here it is. In Memorium, Scott Morrison. He was the Prime Minister Nobody wanted, chosen because he was less terrifying than Peter Dutton and less terrifying

than giving the job to a woman. No! Thank you, my God! Bravely, he fought this election solo, armed with only a single policy that if Australians had a go, they'd get a go. And even that was plagiarized from Dr. Seuss. In the end, voters decided he had to go. He's survived by his loving faction, his vast Space Age Pentecostal Church, and dozens of baseball caps that make him look like an ordinary Australian, a very ordinary Australian. Scomo will be remembered as the man who stopped the votes

who pretended to get the budget into the black and definitely got Engadine Maccas into the brown. There you.