The Chaser Report - Sex and Politics, and Drugs and Bears

Episode Date: February 26, 2023

"That's all this podcast is about." - Charles' 12yr old son. Dom and Charles discuss the mercurial nature of film as a medium, where auteurs use their craft to hold a mirror up to society and show us our true reflection... it's a film about a bear on cocaine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to the Chaser Report. Now $3.99. Yes, that's right. If you want to get the premium version, just go to... How do you get the premium version? You go to, well, either the Apple Podcast app and you can just subscribe.

Oh, yeah, okay. Or you go to the Acast Plus version, which you can find at... I think you can just go to Chaser.com. You can just go to chaser.com.com. You can just go to chaser.com.com slash podcast and get all the details. Or plus. acast.com slash s slash the dash chaser dash report. So you're going to chaser.com.

com.com.com slash podcast. Okay. Got some bad news, Dom. Oh, no. What's, what's happened? My son has been watching this YouTuber who makes videos like about video games that he plays. Right. And they're quite funny video games.

Things like there's a sort of zoo simulator, right, where you can build your own zoo, right? And so this guy makes videos where the zoos do horrific things. Right. So like an actual zoo. Kill all the elephants or something like that and then drop them from the sky on the customers. Oh, wow. Anyway. Well, in Taronga Zoo did experiment with releasing lions into the community not long ago.

Last night, my 12-year-old looked me squarely in the eye and said to me, and you could tell that he had prepared the line, and you could tell that he knew what impact it would have. And he said, Dad, I think this YouTuber is funnier than you. No. Yes. He's rebelling. I mean, Charles, you've done a lot of terrible things in your life.

There are very many poorly judged things, but you haven't ever made. An extremely cruel fake zoo. And that's, I mean, Charles, look, I hate to say this. Comedy moves on. Like, you know, it gets edgy. We're not edgy anymore. We're not dropping elephants on customers. Well, this is, because I said to Angus, well, what do you mean?

Why? And he said, well, Dad, you just make jokes about sex and politics on your podcast. Yeah. Which I think, I wish we did. Yeah, no, they'd definitely make more jokes about sex. But that's his interpretation of what the Chase Report is, is just jokes about sex and politics, right? He doesn't know what sex is, right?

Like, he's not confusing, like, some banter about F-45 gyms and stuff for sex. You know what? Yeah, I don't know. Okay. I left all the birds and bees. You don't want to have that conversation. Okay, I see where the problem is right.

Conversation to my wife. So do we need to embrace this animal cruelty vibe and have more, you know, zoos where things go horribly wrong? I mean, I think we've been pretty cruel this week. We've talked about killing people to reduce the housing affordability crisis. Yeah, that's true. I mean, we talked up the desolation of koala habitat earlier in the week. Yeah, that's right.

That wasn't even fictional, like, YouTube. That was actual koalas that were dying. So I asked Angus, what jokes should I make on the podcast? How can you desperately scramble further up in his estimation? And so Angus had this suggestion. This is honestly what he said. He said, I think you should announce to everyone that Hartley, who's my eldest son, has died of cholera. Colerer?

Yes, that was his joke. So I wanted to share that with you. Do you want to announce that? Yeah, look, I just, a bit of sad news, actually, Dom. During the week, my son died of cholera. Colour. It's not the most contemporary reverences in Australia. I don't want to minimise cholera.

Colour is still a huge problem in much of the world. Yes, yes. It's a horrible way to go. Yeah, that's right. Massive diarrhea, Basilid. He shat himself to death, is what Angus is asking you to announce. How did your older son respond? I mean, it is a comedic way to go.

I haven't told Hartley. No, he's died of cholera. Yeah, so. Okay. But there you go. So there you go. Look, it's sort of non-sequitur, but I just sort of should tell you that I'm... Well, I just today I'm a little bit shaken up and, you know, a bit disturbed.

I presume it's not the notion of your son dying of cholera. It's a content of you being less funny than this YouTuber. The more cruelty YouTuber. But you should say he's YouTube. Like, I kind of agree. Like, you know, out of 10, this YouTube... Like, we were laughing at loud. I mean, isn't the sort of content we're supposed to be doing now playing video games?

on Twitch. Why aren't we playing video games on Twitch? Because we're not very good at video games? That is a factor. Although, Charles, I must say, there is a lot to be said for kind of just talking up content in real time. There's something I want to talk to you about. Oh, okay. Which is that I think we should, for the podcast, see a movie and then review it either during the movie or after the movie.

We did this back in 1999. I know. We did it on the radio. Challenge Chaz. It was one of the first stunt-based segment. that we ever did was on triple m and one of the things we challenged him to do i've still got the recording of it yeah was going to hoits in uh in george street and review a movie in real time and and the thing is everyone got annoyed with him but the recording equipment didn't really

kept in there so he just got sort of like aggressively um shoved off mic that's true but charles the movie that i want us to to interact with i think it's perfect for this have you heard of a film called Cocaine Bear. Oh, yes. Here's a little bit of the trailer. The bear. It fucking did cocaine.

A bear did cocaine. There was a bear. A bear. It was far. Hey, that's inappropriate. And they got the premise for the film. Well, no. Is it clear enough?

Now, can I just clarify? Is this a documentary or a fictional thing? Because my understanding is it's based on a true story. It says it's based on a true story. I mean, it sounds like it's a documentary. I mean, it sounds like snakes on a plane is what it sounds like. It's an incredible CCHI of like cocaine powder fluttering in the air, like pure snow. And the bear just going, whar!

And there's also a scene where the bear swallows an entire. a brick of cocaine. So there's so many questions. There's so many questions. Yeah. I think you're right. I think we need to do it in real time. We should go and do a review in the cinema.

But is it one of those things where we'll be so captivated and will suspend such disbelief that we won't be able to commentate? We might have to do it just afterwards. Yeah. But it just made, we're just in the wrong business. We should take five kilos. Was it five kilos of cocaine? It's a massive.

man of cocaine, whatever it is. Before we see it, just to sort of, yeah. Just to get in the headspace. Well, because it just makes me think, I mean, why aren't we sitting in a room somewhere coming up with the idea for cocaine beer? I mean, you've got two, it's a simple concept. You take two ideas people enjoy. Yeah, which is what?

Which is, well, you know, bears eating people. Oh, yeah, I see. Monster movie. Plus people having massive amounts of cocaine. I mean, what's not to like? You've basically got Scarface. if Scarface was a massive bear. And did they do much character development with the bear?

Well, it's a very detailed bit of CGI. I'm hoping it's CGI, by the way. What's the arc? See, I couldn't get it from the trailer. The trailer essentially... It sounds to me like it's going to be a tragedy. There are lots of... From the bear's perspective.

There are lots of shots of the bear mawling people. You don't eat five kilos of cocaine and live to tell the tale. Well, you might if you're a bear. It's a morality tale. It's a modern day. Macbeth, really, isn't it? Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet where the Juliet is just cocaine.

There's a scene where the bear is licking a cocaine off a dismembered leg. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Everyone has to say it. I just want to know, why do we bother with movies that are more

complicated? It's going to make all of the money. Yes. It's also, it says the title is perfect. It does what it says on the tin. It's a bear taking cocaine. But do you think maybe this is the problem with Western civilizationdom? The sort of dumbification of our entertainment is just leading to a sort of general rot. Is it dumbifying or are we going back to the glory of one of the high points of humanity?

Roman times where the difference is instead of having a CGI bear taking cocaine, they would have just done it with real bears in a ring. So it's come a long way since those days. At least we're experimenting interesting on fake animals for our entertainment these days. But, you know, like, you know, in 1970s was replete with gritty dramas about, you know, searing social issues that really went to the heart of the military industrial complex. I kind of feel like this is a step back from that. If you wanted to, you could make this a commentary on the cocaine use that's rife in the entertainment business, which I assume is how they're developing. the story, by the way.

Maybe it's a metaphor for the opioid crisis if you really wanted to stretch into something that it in no way is. But Charles, I've just been thinking, methamphetamine koala. I mean, a sleepy koala just on a tray. Because we were saying before that they should eat things other than eucalyptus leaves. It's not very nutritious.

Or maybe a hash cookie. Ice caramelo. That could be the name of it. Ice koala. Coala on ice would be the way to do it. Yeah, but actually, koala or not, it's too clever, isn't it? No, too clever. No, you've got a meth koala.

Meth bear. Meth bear. Could you call it Breaking Bear, but it's too simple. Yeah. Well, no, it's too complex. Yeah. It's too complex. Yeah. We need something, I mean, snakes on a plane was a movie about snakes on a plane.

I saw that when it came out. And that was the movie where the crowd, like the audience, Yes, it was very entertaining. Sort of social media users wanted the line, get these motherfucking snakes off my motherfucking plane in the movie. And so they added it in. Jamal Jackson went back to record that line. And more movies should work that way.

Yes, yes. I mean, this movie with Kate Blanchett, Tarr, you can't tell what it's about from the title. Yes. It's got like an A with an acute accent on it. In the name, what even is that? No, exactly. I don't want to watch that.

If you had a conductor on cocaine, conducting an orchestra, that would be entertaining. If only there'd been more drug-based animals in silence of the lambs. Well, there were no actual lambs. No, exactly. If they'd taken some lambs and given them weed, that would have been. That would have been much better. They should have, Jody Foster should have gone back after listening to this comments. Yeah.

And re-recorded us. The spliff of the lambs. Dope sheep. Dope sheep. Oh, yeah, sorry, put for the label. Dope sheep. That's great. I think we need the Australian angle.

I think that's where we can come into this. Yeah, because the question is, why are we getting too unknown Australians to produce this movie rather than Samuel L.L. Jackson and Chris Pratt. LSD platypus? Well, you know, I mean, I was reading, Tim Plannery's just written a piece in the New York Review of books about platypies. And they are fascinating animals.

They're actually one of the most venomous animals in the world. Did you know? Oh, that can come into it. That could totally come into it. Yes. But I suppose the drug has to relate in some way to the fact, like, the fact that the bear was on cocaine is sort of like that's a double disaster because it's like Apex Predator. As they say in the trailer, yeah. Meeks confidence.

That's true. No, LST platypus probably isn't scary. Yeah, I don't think that's. Well, it's a comedy. It's a sitcom. It's a sitcom. Yeah. Or is it?

They took one platypus. What about, like, um, Rittland Coahuahle? No, no, Ritland Cookabur. Very keen to see cocaine beer. Okay, yes. And I'm also very keen for all movie titles to be along those lines in the future. Okay, well, let's do that. We should contact the distributor and line that up.

And, look, if you've got any other suggestions, you can tell that Dom and I clearly didn't preparing out of ideas. No, no, but I just have to take, we'd have to do what a Hollywood producer would do. Yeah. Spend several weeks high, brainstorming. And that's where you come up without a, like cocaine, fair. You know what it needs to. I think the problem is, I've just worked it out.

I don't think it has to necessarily be drugs. It could be something like the koala with nukes. Yeah, nuclear-armed koala. Nuclear-armed koala. Nuclear-armed emu. You know, because we've lost one more with the emus. This is, you know, Emu War II. This time, he's got nukes.

Actually, there were two. It would be Emu War III. Oh, really? I didn't know. Yeah, yeah, we lost both of them. We went back for more and lost again. That's a very good. And the EMEU, I think, is a good...

Yeah, okay. What about EMU tank? See, yeah, because it's certainly... I think you work back from the trailer, don't you? Yeah, yeah. What you want to see is a tank with a little emu head sticking out of the top. It's going through the desert, just flaking a town. Yeah, with the helmet.

Yeah, yeah. That would be very good. Okay, we are definitely bitching that. Yeah. Emuant tank. Okay. That's great. But I still think a koala on ice.

A koala, yeah, no, yeah. Like a murderous ice-toting koala. Yes, and how do you make him dangerous? Oh, maybe raise a koala with the claws. Yes, he's sharpened his scores, a slasher film. Yeah, slasher film with a koala. Yes, and you use that whole drop bear thing where, you know, drops down. That's his method of...

Yeah, it's a koala assassin. Maybe he's a jobbing assassin. Ninja, ninja koala. Nobody can seem coming. You'd get the Japanese audience if you had a good ninja plotline. I think we've just solved the podcast's financial position. I think we've also solved the Australian film industry's problem. You know, I once actually saw a movie that was based on an idea that people came out with in a podcast.

Oh, yeah? It was one of the worst movies I've ever seen it by life. It's called Tusk, and it's a film about someone who gets kidnapped by a madman and transformed into a warrus. Right. It's made by Kevin Smith. See, the problem is they didn't give the warrus any cocaine. If it had been cocaine, warres, it would have been a better movie. Make note of that, Kevin Smith.

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