The Chaser Report - Shit Stories From LA | Jenna Owen & Vic Zerbst

Episode Date: September 18, 2022

Vic and Jenna join Charles in LA to discuss... gastro. Charles drank the LA water and now everyone is crapping themselves at the worst moments possible. Also we're doing a special giveaway where we'll send you a soft serve if you can figure out which name we had to beep out 20 times. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. On this very special edition, we're in L.A. I'm Charles Firth. And with me today are Vic Zerbz. Hello. And Jenna Owen. That's me, Charles.

And we have been in Los Angeles for the last couple of weeks. Yeah, we've been wheeling and dealing. Yeah. We've been wheeling and dealing. And we've been living together in what? What is, I think, a comedy hype house. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do you know what a high pouse is, Charles?

Is it where YouTubers live together and sort of do videos, doesn't I mean? Do they? You know what? He was actually more right than what I thought. He absolutely was, that's right. YouTube is TikTokers, but yeah, young people. And that's what we essentially are. We're a hype house of little freaks.

A really young people and me. Yes, exactly. Well, exactly. And that's like the clarification there. Now, so just some notes before we get on with the show, which is our producer Lachlan has requested that you don't mention the word at all because every time we say the word he has to bleep it out, obviously, because we can't name all the celebrities.

Right. So all celebrities including for adjacent people will have to be beeped out. So, I mean, I think we can, we haven't really seen any other celebrities. though. Apart from because, but about from but above from

no that's not true Charles we had one celeb spotting at that bread cafe remember that it was

the tall skinny guy from the movie Dodgeball who has I don't think that anything else I don't think he has either

but he has he's obviously successful enough to be eating at the same place we were it was an amazing sighting

because no delayed delayed delayed delayed delayed yeah Yeah, he's the one that

I mean they're all kind of clumsy But he's the one that hooks up with the woman And the other team Who is Missy Pyle Dressed up in some kind of different Yeah Anyway What a what a fascinating

What a fascinating content box your brain is To be fair I did spot him I knew straight away I still have spotted him Yeah right And I said now that's That man in the bread cafe that we're in He is from Dodgeball

The movie Dodgeball Well yeah It's been very exciting We're going to take a short break, and when we come back, we're just going to tell everyone the hot goss on what's hot in L.A. And oh my God, is it hot? Yes, it is hot. Piping.

So if you want to get rid of those ads. If you want to get rid of those ads, just go to chaser.com.com. I use slash podcast and subscribe. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. What, how have you liked Delah?

Like, maybe we should explain why we're here a little bit, which is, you're just so incredibly successful that Australia cannot contain you. And you're just bigger than Australia. Is that the... Does your audience care why we're here? No, I don't think so. Do you know what? The TLD, which stands for, Charles? Too long, didn't read.

Fantastic work, well done. Is that we're in L.A. and we're taking meetings and... We're doing the whole, what they're called the L.A. Scramble in this little town we call Holly Weird. We've learned a lot of terms here. Oh, yes. So that's pretty, it's important to know the terms. But also I think it's important to talk about meeting etiquette. We've been doing a lot of meetings here.

Well, one of the terms, just before we go on with meeting etiquette, one of the terms I've learned is, no, no, I think we'll pass on that in meetings. Yeah, because you were hearing that quite a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in my meetings. Weirdly, we didn't hear that. all. When we were kind of in the meetings with you, there seemed to be a lot of genuine excitement. But, yeah, you seemed to.

That's the other weird thing about Hollywood is so many producers just walked out crying after I'd met with them. Yes. Like, why is everyone so sad around here? Yeah, well, yeah. I mean, it could be something to do with what we've actually been. In fact, you were exposing yourself. Yeah, look, last time I was here in 2016,

it was all the rage to expose yourself. And now it's all cancelled. You get cancelled every time you expose yourself. Yeah, but also, Charles, I mean, we were saying, like, I'm deeply disappointed. I was kind of on the hunt for a Weinstein type character being here, someone that could make my career. But that's, again, it's, it's par se. That's the traditional Hollywood household. That is the, yeah, and I guess I just have to do it on, yeah, my content now.

I must say, I didn't see any couches in any offices this time. No, they had them all removed, all the couches, no casting couches. they were dry cleaned as well and have you noticed a lot of the meetings are like in restaurants and cafes in public areas which um which actually causes some i mean today was a very very difficult day for me in particular we no well i don't like i want to i want to talk about it because yeah it's it's the elephant in the room charles i mean you're trying i know you you want to convince your audience that you know we're all successful and we're glitzing it up in the in the city of stars but the reality was now would you like to tell it or because it's autonomous to you and you and charles more

Well, no, to be fair, you actually had it had it first. Yeah, I did. I did have it first. We were struck with what I want to call L.A. Belly, because we are in what is developing country, and you can't drink out of taps, that's true. Yes, horrible. The food, their gluten is mixed with some kind of weird shenny. Wait, hang on, you can't drink out of tabs.

I've been drinking tap water the whole time. Are you joking? Is that why? Are you kidding, Charles? No, you're joking. I'm not joking. No, you are. No, you're joking.

No, Charles, you can't I'm serious, Charles You're not supposed to drink out of the taps What? Are you serious? No, he's pulling out of it. He's pulling out of it. No, no, literally.

That's... Charles, why do you think we've been pumping through the bottled water? Like, we've got no concern for the climate whatsoever. Oh, it gives you what I've got. Well, you've got, Charles. And you know, like, oh my God, this is crazy.

There's a reason. There's filtered water in the fridge. They said drink the filtered water. Don't drink the tap water. I just thought they're being fancy and posh. No, I think when someone says, Please drink the filtered water that we've provided. That means something.

So we've got L.A. L.A. belly. And I, it's from a, you know, a whole range of things. Jenna was struck down first, delicate disposition. Well, I got over it the quickest as well. I don't say much of it. We've been told by another Australian actor who's over here that it could be the gluten. The gluten here in L.A. is very different.

To the gluten in Australia, which is why a lot of people in L.A. think, or, you know, in America, think they have gluten intolerance. But then they go to another country and they go, what the what the F like this is I'm not getting the same as well but that's how we've been feeling this yeah we seem to eat a meal and it doesn't seem to be you know we can't really work out what it is but like what happens is a is a process of well bodily function is yeah but it's so immediate this is the thing like well if you're drinking the water it definitely

and I actually know it explains so much oh this is I can't believe it took us we this is And for the audience, this is all we have been talking about all day. I've had the giggles because this is unfortunately my sets of humour, extremely crass. Charles and Vic have both had extreme diarrhea all day. Yes. All day. And so, Vic, well, yes. Tell us about your meeting this afternoon.

Well, the meeting. We were laughing the whole day because we were driving to, Charles had a different meeting to us. Jenna was driving because she can drive in a life, very impressive. She was driving and then Charles goes, fuck, fuck, pull over, turn around. I might have to go home. Oh, shit. I'm going to... I think I need to cancel my meetings.

So he nearly cancelled his very important meeting with one of the most important companies. And thank God you didn't. That would have ruined our whole lives. But then we were joking that, you know, if Charles Firth walked into this meeting with this big L.A. person and just literally crapped himself, shud his pants. Well, at least it would be memorable. They would go back to be like, I have a weirdest meeting. with this Australian man he seemed to shit his own pants

he got completely sweaty he started to shake and then he said and I'm going to do my best impression of his accent fuck fuck fuck I crapped it crap my pants

the chaser report now with extra whispers so we were laughing that that's what was going to happen to Charles and I was saying well there's some beach tails in the car worst case scenario I used to have a worst case scenario because this happened to me

once before where I had I had to stand more station I was on a Sunday and I was in Australia in Australia so I was

I came back from the beach and I had a crazy meat pie from a little marubra bakery and I was driving back and my friends were driving back I lived in Ashford at the time and I said fuck

I actually need to get out the car drop me at the station I go to the bathroom at the station and a lot of bathrooms there I was going down it was a Sunday and I was running down And I was like, I was like down to the bone.

I was shaking. I was like weeping. And they went there and the bathroom was locked. Yeah, because people don't need to go to the toilet on Sundays. No. They hold it in for Monday, which is an absolute avalanche. That's why everyone hates Mondays. They got all day craps in there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should just have one day of the week. How good if like instead of going to the toilet like multiple times a day, you just had one day of toilet? Yes. Do you reckon? No. No.

No, I don't reckon one day of toilet. Oh, no, I think my gummies are kicking in one day of toilet. I'm both L.A. sober on this trip, which means that we're high on CBD gummies all the time. But when I was at Stamall Station, because I'd just come from the beach, I crapped in my towel and left it on the floor in Stamwell Station. So I was like an animal. I had, there was no other thing to do. No, I, Vic, I can't pass judgment. And, you know, you know how much I love that story.

Can you have at least put it in the bin or something? You don't understand, Charles. You don't know, because there was no. You came close to understand. You just left it to work it if you guys. Let's not play this game. When you have that to happen to you and you're, you become completely disoriented, you, you, you'd leave your body and your body,

because your body is just crapped in public and in the sun. It was hot as well. I have a feeling that the, the diarrhea is connected to the heat wave. We arrived in LA for the heat wave. Immense heat, weird water that Charles has been drinking, the gluten here. So I've been so sick Like I've had the worst stomach aches And so we were laughing

That Charles should just bring a beach towel To his meeting just in case he needs to crap Then I go to a meeting With Jenna and our producer page here as well And it's with the fucking Like hugest comedy company ever Like big time Heroes of ours really

Are we allowed? We should be No no no no Well if we do say it we'll beep it It was Yeah Yeah Productions

And so I was at the meeting And then suddenly I was going at the meeting And then suddenly, I, I think you clocked me. You clocked that I was something. Well, I saw all of the life for straight out of his face. I saw her go completely white. And then, yeah, your eyes kind of focused on like nothing at all. And I went, oh no, it's happening.

It's happening again. And it was in a cafe in the middle of Beverly Hills, a beautiful place. And I just said, I have to go to the support bathroom. And so I went there. And then I don't. And what did the woman? and who you're meeting with so. Well, nothing because Vic, I mean, I knew what was happening

because I'd kind of been watching, you know, the bodily, you know, functions of the face kind of move in a distressed way, but... Yeah, it was just like, oh, I've got to go. Yeah, yeah. Well, you said, I will be the right to back. You didn't go, oh, fuck! No, no, no, no, no.

This is where it gets really evil, which is where I went to the bathroom. I got there. I did my liquid and then I was searching around for the toilet paper. It was not there. That does not happen. What they did have was toilet seat.

covers. So what I knew that I had to do, there was two cubicles, I had to use the toilet seat covers to whatever. Then I did the waddle back into the other cubicle. What? What do you mean what? What? I waddled into the other. You waddled it? Into the other cubicle, yes, to get the toilet paper to get it back and so I could use it. All this time, I'm messaging Jenna in the group chat, with Charles as well, saying, fuck, I've got the diary, I fuck, I've got the diary, if there's no toilet paper, where's the toilet paper, where's the toilet paper? I can't deal with this. This is my worst nightmare. Yeah, of course it's my worst nightmare. I'm having a it's coming true yeah sorry i just want to go back because it's like you know i was i did you know

there was a lot going on there was the meeting i got 12 messages on my phone i never took in the detail that you i mean i remember you saying waddle but sorry i didn't take in the detail of the toilet seat cover as as the temporary paper i said that in the message i said fuck i'm going to have to use a toilet cover so i did use that which is ingenious it's ingenious yeah so what is the like what do you mean by the toilet You know how you can... They've just... Boiseball Toilet covers a kind of like

like plasticy paper. Fuck, that's scratchy. Yeah. But then the worst part was as I was walking back in the walk of shame. Well, I waddled. I got the toilet paper. I did everything I could.

I felt a little bit better. I was walking back to my meeting. And Jenna, I see her is on her phone laughing. Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing. So tell us what you said. Well, you know, when you get 12... How do you broach that with a highly powerful

sort of Hollywood executive. Well, it wasn't, you know, I didn't go, oh, I'm going to tell the story of the extreme diary that some of the party have had on this trip. But I looked at my phone and I went, oh my God, I've got 12 messages from Vic and they were just here. It was a second to go.

And, you know, we're on holidays in a different country. My mind kind of went, oh my God, 12 messages. What if it was like, help, help, help, help. And it was actually saying help, help, help. It was saying help, help, help. I actually was going to say, can you come to get them? But I didn't think you'd actually read them. I didn't think you'd be on your phone in a meeting.

Well, no, but I did because I only was on my phone because I saw 12 messages come through. And, you know, if it was one or two, you ignore it. But then 12. But you do have a habit. And this is another thing we can, you know, you have a habit of texting me while on the toilet. What else do you do? Except text your friend. My friend.

You normally just give me an update. You say, on the toilet going well. And, you know. Yeah, because you know I've got a history with like IBS and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I know. I know. And you like to give me the download.

But anyway, but basically, I looked at my phone and I kind of went, I laughed. I couldn't contain myself because it was just so funny to me, knowing where you were at, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I had no toilet paper. Oh, God, oh God. And everyone in like the meeting stopped and kind of looked at me because I had, I've done the extremely rude thing of checking my phone and just laughing and kind of continue. And then I had to be like, oh, sorry, no, no, sorry.

I wasn't, you know, I wasn't looking at a meme or anything. I was just, Vicks actually texted our group chat, just saying fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, I've got the worst diarrhea. Fuck, this is my worst nightmares. I wasn't there for this. Did you say to the most important heroes of our lives, Vic has diarrhea? I said, Vicks of having, you know, having a toilet nightmare, I think, is what. And then I actually said to the lovely woman called J.

That we were speaking to. I said, oh, my God. And they've just said another one saying, there's no toilet paper. Fuck, fuck, fuck. And then, you know, she was, she was kind of like before she kind of, you know, maybe knew where we were at with the whole thing. She kind of went, oh, my God, should we, should we go check on her or? That's what a good friend would do. I know, I know.

But I got the toilet paper message, you know, but she basically, you're lucky that I stopped her from going in and delivering toilet paper to you. That would have been mortifying. But I did have to walk back into this meeting and everyone was looking at me. They were laughing at me. My nightmare. They were laughing at me or my friends were laughing at me. And then Jenna said, well, everyone knows everything. And you know what?

Too long didn't read. Everyone knows everything. Everyone knows everything. And I just had to sit back down with my, you know, chafed asshole from the tissue covers. My was chafed. I was in pain. And I was still hurting. Because it doesn't, you know what, because you know about this a lot.

You've been in the toilet five times in a morning. I've just had my ninth poo today. I feel like Charles. The word poo is disgusting. also like ninth there's something so like let's get to 10 well we've taken some gummies we've taken some freaking gummies over here maybe it's the gummies if I just have another sip of tap water I can't know I can't actually I'm actually really annoyed about this

because isn't there a world in which we've all been trying to be safe spending lots of money on bottled water drinking the filtered water because we've tried to avoid this kind of like gastro bug that's you know apparently in the filtered water you've gotten it and given it to all of us What? No. I don't know if that's how it works unless. You got it first, Jenna.

You gave it to us, Jenna. I don't think. Was I really first? I don't really. Yes. You were because you went to that party with all those celebrities. Yes. And you went to the weekend when I was still jet-lacted.

And they were drinking the bottled water. Remember? Well, they were drinking bottled water. But I reckon you got the bug at the Hollywood party with, um, and everyone on the show. And she was there as well. And they gave you gastro. They gave you gastro?

No, no, no. That's not what happened. I didn't get, I didn't canoodle with anyone. I maintained some polite distance. I didn't pick up a gastro bug from, or they're all, they're all, the way Jenna talked about that party, they're all comedians, so they're all socially awkward.

Exactly, no, no one. And, you know, I was possibly the only person in which nobody knew who I, you know, so. Knowing my friend, my friend was anyone there who had charisma. too shay you know what that's exactly true yeah yeah no nobody did have cruise i mean you know i i knew i knew their bodies of work and i thought wow you'd think you'd you know bring a bit more hurrah to this party but maybe maybe that's just it maybe they all had gastro maybe they had gastro dude but i don't know because this is what's happening here you guys are both absolutely humiliated you're like

you're low status because you both had diary or in meetings and now you're trying to put it back on me is on some sort of gastric bug startup because the thing is while you were doing that meeting I had a meeting in the day and I had the same thing where I got to the end I had a delicious and this has been happening a delicious sandwich and

pop out the other end unbelievable like it would have been like 10 seconds past and then suddenly it's coming out the other end why is it the word of maybe it's my thing when I think of me shitting I just think that's funny and cool But when I think of child shitting, I just go, that's gross.

Disgusting. No, but also Charles, you know, it wouldn't have instantly been your sandwich coming out in liquid form. It would have. Oh, really? No. Is that not the science? The sandwich, no, it's like, literally you should think of it as, hey, what are those things called where the balls, bong, boom, boom, bo. Yeah, Newton's cradle.

Newton's cradle. Newton's cradle. Newton's cradle. Newtonian. Newton's cradle. It's basically your sandwich, Newton's cradle. Oh, something else. Your other meal, yeah, whatever that may have been.

But how? Like, that's like, there was, at that point, that was like the seventh time. Because, no, but yeah, I don't know. Like, today. I know, but also, like, yeah, it's a, it's definite Newton's Cradle situation. It's a Newton's Cradle situation because, you know, when you. I don't know whether that's true. Yes, when you eat again, your intestine goes, oh, here comes the food.

I better start working. And if you've got diarrhea, it just. freaks out, it panics, it goes, shit, I'm going to shit. So I didn't realize you studied medicine at university. Jenner knows exactly what she's talking about. It's amazing. It's a bit like Graham Chapman in Monty Python. Yes, Newton's Cradle Theory, look it up.

And you know what is crazy? Is that people have probably clicked on this episode thinking LA, cool, glamorous stories, and we're getting Newton's cradle and Charles's 10 second shit. Let's take an ad break here. I want to take your job. Let's take an ad break here when we come back. we've got the most secret, amazing story for you.

Yeah, and Charles is absolutely thrilled to tell it. Yeah, Charles has a story that is going to blow you out of the water. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. And if you want to get rid of the ads, go to chaser.com.com. You slash podcast. Now, I've got this fascinating story. Unfortunately, we don't have time for it today.

Oh, he's good. We were setting him up. We set him up. Yeah. So, okay, so final thoughts. about her like what do you think of this town like you know to me as an outsider coming here I just thought this is a total shithole of the place like it's just trafficy and hot and no nothing picturesque and nothing really on having spent two weeks here what's your

well I when I first arrived I completely agree with your child and then people just kept giving us compliments and I just thought this town might be my favourite place on earth yeah and i think i completely agree i love their vibe here and the city itself it's sexy dirty wild free dreaming lots of poo on tails yeah poo on towels in venice beach that was a real thing i actually saw separate to our entire conversation but um i i i love this town i think i think we definitely want to come back and i think to your answer your question i mean it wasn't a question to answer to respond to your statement that la was you know a shitha i think for me it was like it was like, shithole, shithole, shit hole, oh wow, that's incredible.

Shit hole, shit hole. Wow, that's incredible. You know what I mean? Like I had majority, yeah, it was shit hole, but the golden moments of, wow, that's incredible. There were some golden moments and I'll treasure them for the rest of my whole world. And so for you, the most wonderful thing about LA was all the compliments you received. I just think that Australians should legalise CBD.

Oh. Quickly, we have the most incredible business plan. We've got incredible business plan. It's your idea, but I'll pitch it back to you. We want to get into the, what is it called, the elite gourmet gummy business in Australia. Yes, this is a good idea. Get in early, get in off, because they have incredible CBD gummies here.

We sell them on the chaser website. Just normal gummies, nothing in them. But all the profits go to legalize cannabis in Australia. Really good. I mean, I wouldn't call that a business idea just because you're giving away all of the profits. No, no, no, no, because it's like Rupert Murdoch. You wait. Oh, yes, yes, you go, you go.

Because you're basically paying all the money into a political cause, which will then cause you to be incredibly profitable down the track. So you have all the infrastructure in your gummy business. You've already nailed the marketing. You've nailed the ingredients. Then you just add the CBD. Yes. And you are a fucking genius.

Oh, my God. I forgot how brilliant this was. Yes. If anyone's in some kind of gourmet gummy business In the gummy industry In the gummy industry No but we don't want them We want to oust them

But we want to find people who can make the recipe We're not making it No, no no I'm just saying like you know Anyone from Harrowbo Anyone from you No but they've got to be like gourmet Gourmet gummies And I think it should be

Like we do it in Australia They should be homegrown Yeah homegrown gummies With like lemon myrtle and ginger Swadle Seed and kangaroo bone and it should be completely Australian and then as soon as we legalise cannabis

we have complete monopoly on the market monopoly on how to make good gummies and the oh my god do the industry the weird industry you are you are dreaming you're making money you're making money is what I'm saying and yeah if you're not interested in that product then maybe you can buy one of the chases up teeny tiny bikinis

on one teat it says the chaser and on the other teat says the show and that's just oh shit what did I say delete that delete that. Do you know why you got confused with the Navarna, the band to the show? Jokes ruined.

Wait, no, it's the chase of the company, the show. That jokes ruined now. No, but no. It's never ruined. It's never ruined. It's never ruined when you're my friend. And you're our friend, Charles. Our gear is from Road Microphones,

and we are part of the ACAR's creator network. See you tomorrow.