The Chaser Report - SHOCK HORROR: AGONY AS CHASER Hosts DISCOVER AWKWARD DETAILS

Episode Date: May 3, 2023

AN GUT WRENCHING MOMENT HAPPENED LIVE ON THE SHOWTODAY AS CONTROVERSIAL HOSTS OF THE CHASER REPORT CHARLES AND DOM MADE A MASSIVE MISTAKE: thinking News.com.au had actual news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, you're still in your undisclosed rural location. Oh, yes, Karolong is where I'm not going to tell anyone that I am. You know what the property prices to go out. Yeah, exactly. So you're probably feeling a little bit deprived of news, aren't you?

Because I know you're working on a project and you've sort of got your head down focusing on stuff. And I know that the listeners of this podcast like to be informed, like to know what's going on. Yes. The important stuff. I mean, we talked earlier in the week about job seeker and all these really momentous issues.

And I just think that's a great place for the podcast to be in, don't you? Well, yes. And the good thing is, in listening to this episode of the podcast, you're going to find out what all the newsiest news in, this is going to be the newsiest podcast you've ever listened to, which is very lucky because I have no idea about the news. Oh, fantastic. I will also listen to this podcast after we've recorded it so I can catch up on the news.

You know how in America there's a news station called Newsmax. It's like a foxier version of Fox. They're going to have to change their name because this is going to be the maximum of news. It won't be topped even by them. And these will be like news almost max. Yeah, submax. Not quite. Yeah, submax.

90% of Max. Yeah. Yeah, this is it. Get ready to be newsed right after this. Okay, so why not go to the website with the word news in its name? Charlesnews.com.com. Published by, I think, News Corp. Oh, great.

They've got news in the name. Harrogons of journalistic ethics. So the top story, let me see. This is at 6.41 p.m. on Wednesday, the 3rd of May, just for references sake. And I'm looking on my phone because that's how most Australians consume this fine content. Yes. The top item on news.com today. It was very sad, salacious, eerie new detail about the death of a celebrity.

We will skip over that because it's very sad. I read the article. It is fairly speculative. Let's just move on because it is sad. But if we're looking at journalistic ethics, I think that piece probably could use a little bit more, sprinkled on it. What I gather is there's details about that story, because, you know, celebrity deaths, they're often, it's a very private thing, right? There's details of that story that They're just not allowed to publish

You're just not allowed to Right Yeah And the whole point is That the daily mail and news.com Get around the fact that they're not allowed To publish the details By having in the headline

All the details of the death Right And then they say Oh we don't We can't hear the details But they get the clicks They get the clicks Because they've put in the headline

It said It said eerie new details I like oh I like the word eerie Yeah And the detail was eerie, and potentially very sad. And about one sentence into the article, I felt like I was intruding in something that I had no business reading.

So I stopped at that point. Well, at least we now know you're definitely reading a Murdoch tabloid. Yeah, that's right. That's right. They didn't stop. I did. Anyway, moving on from that very, we're not even going to name the poor person because it's just awful.

Number two, this is the second biggest story in the country after that, according to news.com. Yes. woke up sore students horror sleepover Oh, big news, yeah Well, this is from Britain Will it be rising interest rates Will it be the job seeker?

Will it be the impending banking, global banking crisis? No, it's the bigger story Which is the British, what, sleepover? So what happened? What's the details? You think that it might be Piers Morgan interviewing Albo Which was a news.com thing. It was like the Prime Minister said all this interesting stuff today.

No, this is an old man in Britain waking up a student who fell asleep in a spare room at 5am doing the unthinkable. Basically trying to have sex with her. And that's the second biggest story in the country. He was sentenced to two years in prison and subjected to the sex offender notification requirement. This is in Britain. And it's the second most important story in Australia. It's awful. It's very awful.

Yes. Is it the second biggest story in the country? I mean, yes, it is. It must be. Right, yeah. Well, I mean, news.com, they are Australia's leading news site, aren't they? That's the whole, that's their promise. That's right.

So the first two stories, pick up, see. So far, Dom, this is horrible. This is a horrible. Why is anyone listening to this, Dom? This is horrible. Third story, because they want to know the news, Charles. They want to know what's happening. Major banks make call on interest rate hike by 0.25% to 3.85%.

So you've got interest rates. That's the third biggest story that actually relates to people's lives in any way whatsoever. Nab's putting up the rates, you'll be shocked to hear. I'm shocked. I'm shocked. I'm shocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, like, we know exactly, like, they all put them up, didn't they?

There's literally the story. They all put them up. It's basically... Almost as if there's some sort of cartel, you know, and... Yeah, because it was inevitable that they were all going to do it. So just below that, Charles. Yes. And I would say...

So arguably, that's not news, because it's completely old. Like we knew that that was going to happen. It's obvious. There's nothing new about it. It's nothing to preach at all. So fourth top story, the headline is, no, no, Charles. No, Furious Cadbury Axe's popular chocolate. Oh.

This is big. This is, oh, this is a, I can't believe this was number four, and not number one. Yeah, they've axed dairy milk chocolate, have they? They've changed the composition of the Cadbury Favorites box. What? The Cabri's, yeah. No one buys the Gerey favourites box. Well, if they did buy it, it's 50 grams lighter.

It's shrunk from 570 to 520 grams. No! No! No! No! is what they say. No! That's right. That's right. No!

And you're not going to believe this Dream and Flake are out. They've been demoted. They're not a favourite anymore. There's now caramel milk and twirl. But hang on, what's it called? Dream is their version of Milky Bar. It's the white chocolate. And Flakes the annoying one that crumbles everywhere.

Yes, that's right. So they're out, are they? They're out. This is. Yeah. This runs. So, I mean, when are they going to set up a bloody federal ICAC to investigate this sort of malfeasance? This runs to the, like, I mean, what are the teals doing?

Do we know what John Ibrahim was thinking? Oh, right after Kyle's wedding. Yeah. Is there something, is there a link there? Is this a royalty? Is this Epstein? I mean, what is going on? Beyond the grave.

Jeffrey Epstein. Maybe someone, some billionaire has hoarded all of the dreaming flake bars and is going for scarcity. I'm not sure what it is. They've got a lot of social media reactions, just random tweets of Aussies posting messages about how sad they are that dreams going. Imagine being sad about that. Imagine that being something that provokes sadness in your life. I thought favourites was the chocolate box that you got for people in the office who you don't quite know that well. That is, that's the only reason anyone buys favourites

is for someone who's not in any way your favourite. It's just like some random person you don't know what to get them as they leave the office to go and pursue a much better job somewhere else and so you get them in a box of favourites. They should, it should be generic, shouldn't it? Yeah. It should be Cadbury generic.

Okay. Moving on, we've got devastating toll of Prince Harry move. One sentence reveals the full impact of Prince Harry's betrayal. Oh, okay. Okay, this is good. This is good. So what is this? I'm going to murder you, King Charles or something.

It's a bit more like Princess Anne went on Canadian television. What? And expressed a little bit of dissent about the concept of slimming down the monarchy. That's it. That's all it is. But I clicked on it. They made me click on it by saying Prince Harry. Whenever I say Prince Harry, I just click.

So this was a Prince Harry story, nothing to do with Prince Harry. it was just about Princess Anne who I didn't even know existed I thought She's still there Like why would you If you were Princess Anne Why would you approve of the slimming down

In the monocally Surely the first person to go Is the person who People don't even realise It's still a princess Well that's right She's the one She doesn't want to slim down

Apparently she works the hardest of all of them She's the one who just constantly goes To boring openings of things So wait a minute Which she has she She's Charles's sister Oh right So she's got a brother

Who's a Pito She's got another brother Who wants to be a tampon And I don't know What's happened to Edward I don't think Edward's done anything bad Well he made it's a Royal Knockout So I think that's a lifetime ban

Yeah Scrolling further down Oh this one's sponsored This'll be good Get ready for a revelation When I cook I like to do it French That's Manu Fieldell

likes cooking messy Wait a minute So the French cook Likes to do it French And the good news is Charles That on this one There's been a bit of a powerful pairing News.com.com.

You and Finnish have teamed up to celebrate the messy cooks At last. Oh, right. So wow, that's lucky that that story was about creating a mess and then sponsored by Finnish That's an amazing coincidence.

Yep, yeah, it's really. It's really nice how to do it. It's so integrated now, as you just don't know when you're having a Cabri's Dairy Milk moment. You just don't know. It's just so integrated. It makes me think, can we just have a break and have a kid cat? Would that be, would that be all right? Moments like these, you need Minty.

You really do it. You want to be congratulated, John. I mean, I've always been a solo man. You know, I like to take the lead and let me always follow. I want a feeling, really, hearing all the scenes. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. The next story is one where they take a genuine news story and try and get the second click. Because earlier in the day it was announced that the AFL was going to have a team in Tasmania.

That's a big deal. So we've all read that already. They've tried to get the second click by saying that there was an awkward blunder as AFL reveals new team. The boss, the AFL, Gillen McLaughlin, apparently did something incredibly awkward. during the conversation. What did he do, pick his nose? It's the same article. It's just the same article with the headline.

It's bottom? So you didn't do anything awkward. Apparently the awkwardness was, now that I scroll down, the blurb of what it was, identifies the wrong person, which is awkward for news.com.com. The Tasmanian Premier

mispronounced both the name of Gillum McLaughlin and Anthony Albanesey. So, yes, awkward. Very awkward. Worth clicking on? Not at all, but they got it. Not as awkward as the fact that they're spending $750 million on a stadium when lots of people in Hobart are now homeless

because there is a massive housing crisis there. I mean, that's another piece of awkwardness. Yeah, but that's not, there's nowhere to be found on news.com. Because that won't generate chief or clicks for the advertisers. Yeah, no, exactly. I mean, I'm going to say, just to put it on record, I do approve of this stadium. No federal government has apparently ever spent this much money on a stadium.

It's always been state before. No. So it's very important that the national government be the one to build this. Well, I mean, let's put it in perspective, though. There are five seats in Tasmania that are up for grabs at the next election. And there's 23,000 seats in the new stadium. It's a lot of money per seat, actually, isn't it, in the stadium? Yeah, and they're all marginal seats.

It's amazing, an entire stadium of marginal seats. Well, they're in Tasmania. Of course, they're marginal. Yeah, that's right. NRL legend's shocked drug confession. What we say, it's a shock at this point for an NRL legend to be taking drugs after Andrew Johns? Look, I kind of feel like, I think news.com.com. You editors must go through very short, sheltered lives, where they sort of see somebody mispronounce something and they go, oh, my God, this is awkward.

Or, you know, like, oh, my God, you know. um somebody bought drugs oh my god that's such a scam like or embarrassing like they sort of they're very heightened emotions the whole time i kind of feel like they should probably get out and you know see the world a bit more and realize that things aren't as dramatic as perhaps they make out you're right every headline just about has some very dramatic word in it there's a horror confession coming up there's a shocking moment there's a nation enraged we'll get to a shock confession and awkward blunder, devastating toll, mystery, fury, and horror, sleepover, and eerie new detail. This isn't news.com.com.com.com.com. It's morbid. It's emotionally draining, Charles. I feel

I feel like I've just watched a horror movie or something. I don't know. And all those emotions were just attached to the Federal Finance Committee report. That's right. That was the driest story on the site. That's right. That was Brett Stewart taking care. Next we have in social media news Charles U.S. women's four words to Aussie enrages nation Oh, and what are the words?

Oh my God, I'm going to get enraged, aren't I? What are they? An American pro-gun activist has been blasted for a horrible clash with an Australian man over his support for basic gun control laws. So this is just a story from TikTok And the great thing about it is Charles It's an interview that happened in 2019

The TikTok resurfaced Apparently, it's something like what the chase he used to do Someone, this gun nut asks an Australian Whether they have the right to bear arms And the guy goes, yeah, a licence So, you know, there's no nut cases doing high school massacres And the American gun nut goes You have gun control, that's terrible

I wouldn't want to live there So there you go This Australian came out in favour of Australian policy So, but I don't understand why Sorry, who got enraged I thought you said Australians got enraged It's gone viral on TikTok And people are angry

about the American, I think about the American woman or about the Australian men? It sounds like they're angry at us. Is that right? They're angry at Australians? I think, well, it's America. I mean, everyone's angry.

So the great thing is apparently we in Australia, this is the advice given by this woman. Everyone in Australia has to write according to this gun nut to defend themselves. Even if it's not written in the Constitution, you still are allowed to defend yourself

with whatever weapon you deem necessary. Yes. You know, this conversation, which happened four years ago, It's really, again, it really doesn't fit in the category of news, does it? No. It's olds.com. There are five or six separate reasons why that doesn't count of news.

Dan, we've got the obligatory woman pictured in a swimsuit. Survivor winners horror confession. Why are they all? Because she begged for food while doing Survivor. Apparently it was challenging to play Survivor. Is that really surprising at this point? Well, its name is. Survivor. You've got to survive.

Don't, can we stop? No, no, no. Just, can we get a fanfare at this point? Because I've found, I've found some news. I've actually found some news. Scrolling about three screens down under Justine. There's no photos. It's just headlines. Islamic Jihad announces truce after Gaza rocket fire.

That's an actual news story. Well, hang on. Is that some sort of mistake? I think it's, it must just be an automatic thing. That come from the wire, yeah. And then it says, oh, this is more on song for news.com.com. It does talk about job seeker. Centrelick plan A, inverted commas, dangerous precedence. What's a dangerous decision?

A leading economist has criticised the idea of increasing job seeker only for 155. So a long way down the page, they've interviewed an economist. It seems like a dangerous idea. Then as you go down, there's interest stuff on interest rates, but then there's one's throwing interest rates and there's, I'll just give with the headlines. Aussie kids caught in dangerous trend Millionaire Child Reveals Daily Routine and then more about the celebrity death

that we mentioned before bride roasted in controversial speech and my favourite guest finds corpse under hotel bed Oh! That's the story That's me, that's my story That's what I've been up to do. The point though, Charles, I suppose

is that there is a model There is a model for journalism in this country People are decrying the state of the media But when I read this website I see a thriving ecosystem of extremely upsetting and horrifying news stories that are not news stories. So the thing that I just wanted to press you a little bit further, which is that I once talked to an accountant at News Corp, who said that the absolute cash cow for News Limited in Australia is news.com.com. It's basically the only, because the Australian loses money head over tail, all the tabloids lose money. It's a complete disaster of just red ink everywhere.

except for news.com. You, because of such quality journalism as we've just heard today. So, there you go. If you're wondering, you know, the future of journalism, I think this should have been an episode of Welcome to the Future. Actually, should have. Yeah, this is... Because this is what it's going to be.

It's what people click on. Yes. In fact, I think we should name this episode, shock horror, agony, as, as Jaser hosts find out awkward detail, right? Yeah, that we should call. click on it Yes that'll be

our top writing episode ever The genius of the site though is that because you type news.com.com

toau into the browser you feel like you're actually reading news even though you clearly objectively are not

Yeah We should publish under hilarious.com dot com. But nobody nobody No, a motive

like angry dot com to but nobody like I don't believe a single person would read any of those stories and think they're getting news.

Like, I don't think that's happening. I think what's happening is you go there for a bit of a, like, you know, as a way to distract yourself from your misery. Which is perfectly legitimate. And, I mean, good on them for finding a way to come up with a sustainable business bundle in this world. Long may it thrive. We'll be working for them before long, Charles.

Absolutely. Well, and this episode brought to you by News.com today, you know, isn't it amazing the way they integrate those sponsored posts? So seamless. I can't even see them coming. Our gears from over. We're part of the Iconicless network. Catch you tomorrow.

Shocking.