The Chaser Report - Sky News Argues Against Sky News | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: August 8, 2021

Craig announces a nefarious plan to destroy a certain well-known comedian, while Aleksa listens to Sky News' 'Uncancelled' special and makes a shocking discovery about the nation's least watched news channel. Also, Charles previews the supposedly imminent Moderna vaccine, Zander somehow survives Tokyo 2020, and Bec hand-crafts a fresh crop of artisanal news headlines. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by war crimes. If it's good enough for the ADF, it's good enough for us. War crimes, everyone's doing them. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Monday, the 9th of August, 2021, yet another day in lockdown for much of the country. But Dom, Dom, it's all right because the Moderna vaccine has been ordered and it is coming on the scene and it's going to solve all the problems.

A million doses did I read in a couple of weeks' time? That's extraordinary. This is going to be either before we know it. Oh, I think it's more than that. I think it's like, I mean, actually, Scott Morrison went on sunrise to announce exactly how it's going to work. I think it's like millions and millions.

The federal government has signed a deal to secure 25 million shots. It's hoped the vaccine could be ready by the end of the year. You're joining me now. Prime Minister, Scott Morrison. Prime Minister, good morning to you. Gee, this sounds exciting and hopeful, doesn't it? Well, I am hopeful, but also, you know, naturally cautious. This would mean a vaccine for every single Australian, and this is important news.

We've gotten into this early, and that will mean that we can get on with it. Early. We've got into it early. Vaccine for everyone. Oh, wait, hang on. Oh, no, sorry, that was from August the 19th. last year. Oh.

Sorry. So that's a year old. Is that why he used the word early? Because I was just thinking, if I was Scott Morrison, there's not a word I would be using anywhere in public. So anyway, sorry about that. Yeah, that's clearly out of date, Charles. What are you doing?

Get with the programme. It's coming. Let's have a good news story to start the week for a change, Charles. Yeah, no, sorry. Sorry. Here's another clip of Morrison actually announcing the vaccine. Australia's National Cabinet has approved Australia's national vaccination policy.

It's another sign that together as a country, we are working to prepare ourselves to be able to disseminate and administer those vaccines all around the country when they're ready. Sorry, that was from the 22nd of November last year. Yeah, because he said when they're ready. Yes. And, you know, they're ready in December of 2020. But in fairness, because I have gone through it all.

And sure, we don't have the vaccines for everyone, but we do have 25 million announcements. So there is actually, there has been an announcement for every single person. Let's actually, I'll find a clip that's actually about the Moderna vaccine. This is got to be it. This is the one. Here's Greg Hunt with the Moderna announcement.

Australia has completed a contract with Moderna for the purchase of 25 million MRNA vaccines. There you go. That's great news. Yes, and that was from May 13th this year. So if you're celebrating the announcement of the Moderna vaccine, I can confirm that this is at least the third time that they have announced the exact same thing.

And so I think you can expect 25 million more announcements just about the Moderna vaccine by the end of this year. I mean, obviously you need two announcements to be immune completely from the government's bullshit. on this one. But, you know, I reckon 70% of eligible Australians should have at least one announcement by the end of November. So that's really good news about the Moderna vaccine. Coming up on the show, Alexa has been looking at Sky News' premature exit from their YouTube ban. Apparently, they're quite excited over there.

Craig has coming in, and he said he wants to talk about butlers or something, but that doesn't sound right. I'm sure it won't be about butlers. Zanda's been over at the Tokyo Olympics. A lot of gold medals have been won and he tells me he's still alive. It's either Zander or some sort of impersonators. I'm very surprised he's alive. Yeah. COVID's completely out of control in Tokyo. Anyone listening to the tone in your guy's voices about this would think that you're wanting

him to die for the insurance purposes? Well, I mean, that was part of the thinking. I mean, the company's going to be broke if we have to fund his trip home as well. We don't want him to die. Not at all. It's just that if he does, it's more profitable than if he lives. That's the thing you've got to understand. This is a big corporation.

That's how we think. Well, before Dom and Charles get done for involuntary manslaughter, we've got to throw to Rebecca Dayuna Muno in the Chasing Newsroom. Yeah, we haven't collected the insurance on her yet. Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has been put on a cashless debit card after he repeatedly turned up to work drunk. The New Zealand immigrant, who has spent a large part of his life living off government money, will now only be able to access funds through the card

until such time that he can be trusted to not make erratic decisions like attempting to murder a Hollywood actor's dogs. Since receiving a one-week suspension from YouTube, Sky News have been forced to find other methods for spreading their important misinformation about COVID-19 to the world. The network, which features programs hosted by people like Alan Jones and Andrew Bold, said it would be moving its operations to Pornhub because they're the only platform that doesn't censor videos of massive dicks.

Young people have been urged to get the vaccine they can't get. A spokesperson for the government said that not being able to get the vaccine was no excuse for not getting the vaccine, adding that they should also buy a house they can't afford at the same time. That's the latest news you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Once again, this episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by... Get to be. Get down. This is a ray. This is a ray. Get down.

It's starting to catch up with Craig, who fortunately has time on his hands, Tudor, you know, lockdown and all that. How are you, Craig? Good. Good to be here. I've been, not only, I'll tell you how much time I've got on my hands. This is an extreme amount of time. I've been listening to your podcast. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I know. It's like, is there that much time in a day? Yeah, I'm so sorry, Craig. Yeah, that's, I'm touched.

I'm loving Gabby. That's the take. Take away. Fuck yeah. By the end of this year, I'm going to be the head of this company. Great. I'm just slowly working my way up. We need one. But it was clever approach of yours, Gabby, too.

If you're going to try and take over a company, you know, assess them first and go, where are the ones that are fundamentally weak? Where the people leading them are so shithouse, you go, oh, that. You know, don't try and take over like Hamish and Andy's podcast. You're like, where could I, where could I go? You go, oh, this rule. Look at this lot. The tact is aim low and then you can't be disappointed.

Exactly. I assume you've got some constructive criticism. No, I actually, I've actually enjoyed it, but I was, it's interesting because it made me realize something, right? Because I was listening to, you remember you had Mark Humphreys on talking about podcasts, right? Yes. And Mark talks about the fact that he wants to host the Logies. And I've heard him say that on two podcasts recently, right? Cheetah.

And I realized, do you remember years ago, the chaser we took the piss out of, there was that period where the book, The Secret came out. Oh, yes. It was all about you had to kind of say what you wanted in life. That's right. The affirmations thing. Yes, yes. I reckon Mark Humphreys is a secret believer because think about it, he tweeted about the fact that he wanted to host pointless. That's true.

And then he became the host of pointless. And now he just think this is his approach. You just got to say things out loud and they'll come true. Or maybe he's a middle-aged white man and therefore anything he wants. Yeah, feel for him. Maybe. But I want to try, I want to try, so I want to see if it works if you say things out loud. If they work.

Give it a go. So I want all of Mark. Humphrey's dreams to be crushed and for him to become my butler. Don't you reckon he would be the best butler? He literally is like a butler. He's everything about him as a butler. Craig, I feel like that might backfire on you because one of the main tropes of a fancy butler is that they're the ones who kill you.

That's true. So you might wind up dead. The butler did it. He's actually a stock phrase. You're right, Gabby. I'm willing to take that risk just for the kind of week or so of him serving me. Craig, did the butler beat you and win the week again? It would make a good premise for a sitcom.

We should actually write a show where Markup presses a butler. I love it. He's always kind of prim and proper. He looks like he's kind of dressed in a suit, even if he's in shorts. His speech is like a butler. He's incredibly polite to the pro-he. He's constantly a sorry-soil. Yeah, he's very subservient, isn't he?

That is what you want in a butler. Would it be COVID safe to have a butler at this point? We'd have to lock him up for two weeks and get him tested before you bring him into the house. And actually, he'd probably like it because he's got young kids, doesn't he? so he probably gets to get away from that said it's a weird thing though because like i actually would hate the idea of having a butler is one of the most like in actual fact i knew people who um had what they called they'd have like live in nannies or something the idea of having other people in your house to constantly judge you is just horrifying you didn't grow up with my family oh you mean you got that

from your family yeah satire is bred out of trauma so i reckon if we weren't satirous we'd be perfectly fine with butler yes yes Yes. Well, Mark Humphries is available if he wants to like him. What do you reckon his rate would be? Well, he does podcasts for free. Why not do butlery for free? If he's desperate enough to want to host the Logies, then he'd be pretty cheap. We'll get Hugh Marks on the line next week, and we'll put, he's the CEO of Nine Entertainment, and we'll put to him to make Mark...

What are we putting to him that either Mark Humphrey's hosts the Logies or Mark Mark Humphrey becomes his butler? No, no, Mark Humphrey's becomes your butler. Keep up, Craig. Keep up! If he had a TV show about being a butler, though, he'd be called X Marks the spot. At the very least, we can do a sketch when Mark Humphries as a butler.

I think everyone will believe it. And we won't star him at all. I'm Mark Humphreys, and I'm a butler. You know what? We've just made the fatal mistake of we've put Mark Humphreys on yet another podcast by doing an entire segment talking about him, maybe though he's not here.

God, that guy's everywhere. Hello, welcome to Foxtell. I assume you're wanting to cancel. Hi, yes, I'd like to cancel. Right, I'll just type you in as today's Foxtell cancellation request number 4,012. But first I'm required to ask, why would you want to cancel such a wonderful service? Well, Game of Thrones is finished. Yes, granted, but we are still showing episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine on CBBs.

Is Thomas the Tank Engine like Game of Thrones? Oh yes, except with more trains. That's not the same. Game of Thrones was the best show ever. What about a 50% discount? Remember, we have Shortland Street on the Arena Channel. Is Shortland Street a high-budget medieval fantasy with dragons and magic? No, it's a low-budget soap opera from New Zealand.

I want Game of Thrones or nothing. Oh, surely, sir, is tempted by our 397 programmes about food on the Lifestyle Channel. We have shows about soup, shows about vegetables, shows about hot and cold beverages. Do any of your shows feature naked, raunchy love-making with a mysterious sorceress? Oh, Nigella Lawson hosts one, will that do? No, Game of Thrones was the best show ever, and if you don't have it, I'm canceling. Oh, very well then. Good.

Also, can you refund me for the last season of Game of Thrones? It was the worst show ever. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. You might recall that last week, Sky News had its YouTube channel cancelled, and given us the main source of revenue and indeed interest for sky news have no viewers on fox tell pretty much they were devastated however apparently they've been unc cancelled what's going on alexa yeah yeah so apparently they actually got unbanded three days early so they they only couldn't post for four days and um i sat down to do a bit of research to watch this new sky news uncanceled special they had like a 30 minute episode

i i swear i i love it i'm i'm completely flipped around i used to hate sky news you know he's think it was a bastion for, I don't know, some gross billionaire and, like, right-wing grifters. But this video turned me around. I'm on Team Sky News now. Amazing. So they got banned for spreading misinformation and, you know, saying really horrible things. Yeah, Craig Kelly, hydroxychlorica and all that total misinformation garbage. So you're on board with all that, Alex, are you now?

To be fair, I think you guys are being a bit mean to Sky News. The way they put it, they have difficult discussions about COVID-19, and that's why they got banned. Is it difficult because they find it difficult to discuss things, or is it difficult because the content matter was actually difficult to talk about? Or is it difficult because when you follow through your advice, you die? Look, you guys are all having a great time scoring shots off Sky News. You know what, I think it's about time of some diversity on The Chaser, and I'm now a conservative, and according to Sky News,

we're the most persecuted people in the world. And from my perspective, conservatives seem to be the only people ever to be locked out of the national conversation. See? Do they? So this is the news organisation that controls 71% of Australia's press. Yes. And loves crying victim. Absolutely love.

There's nothing they love more than feeling like they're put upon and excluded. That's what they got a show called Outsiders, which had, when it was first founded, a former leader of the Labour Party, an editor of a newspaper, it's just insane. No, I don't know. It sounds to me like you guys are taking the side of the big tech giants here. And, you know, you obviously haven't watched this.

special, so I think we should get into it together right now. All right, let's have open minds. Who has the right to ban? What you can watch. What you can breathe. What you can think. It's a dark day for free space. We will allow it.

Did they just say they're controlling what you can breathe? But they don't want you to breathe the coronavirus. How do they? not let you breathe this Is that what they said? I think they try to say what you can read But it's so overproduced That it's impossible to hear

What they're actually saying of it That's much more appropriate They're trying to control what you can breathe They don't want you to die Some big sinister organisation Controlling what we read And think other than News Corp Like who's their competitor?

No to be fair They are the little guy Being crushed by big corporations Especially lefty corporations So the rationale goes YouTube is a left-wing company and they follow the infamously left-wing World Health Organization. And they explain why the World Health Organization can't be trusted. And it refused to declare an international pandemic despite having months of evidence that

outbreaks were exploding internationally. Hang on a sec. Is this opposite day? They're criticising the WHO for not being quick enough. That's actually correct. But I'm just kind of confused since Alan Jones kept saying it was no worse than the flu like months after it was declared a pandemic. I feel like they've swapped sides. It's like they're the good guys now. You're talking about Alan Jones. He's just a lefty. He's just a lefty.

Hey, it's fracking. Yeah. This is so weird. So you're saying that they've actually learned from the ban and flipped around and they're now worried that the international organizations aren't doing enough to shut this thing down. You have no idea how much they've flipped. Like this is my favorite part of the entire video. There's like a party line in the video.

They all kind of repeat this one criticism of YouTube. and unironically, I absolutely love it. You know, there's no legitimate way to challenge a monopolistic tech behemoth without going full communist and this right-wing media company wasn't afraid to do that. They are Comrade Sky News. What? If we hand that responsibility over to a private company

which operates with commercial interests, we trade away our ability to think critically. This is a gigantic global corporation. So this is a foreign-owned multinational giant censoring the news and views that Australians can see. But I'll be damned if I stay silent and let some unelected Silicon Valley billionaire call the shots in this country.

If you believe in free speech and you want to stand by our country, I hope you feel the same too. Oh my God. So by that logic, Alex, so they're clearly in favour of the ABC, which is the only media organisation not run by overseas interests.

Yeah, Sky News really. did just say eat the rich. So literally, because that description applies entirely to News Corp, except for the part about the billionaire being located in Silicon Valley. So their whole objection is that Rupert Murdoch lives in New York, which is fine, but if he lived in Silicon Valley, then it'd be evil. Is that the... How extraordinary.

I mean, self-awareness is not normally a gift given to many Sky News presenters, but this is a new level. No, they've really turned a page and I'm 100% on their side here in their crusade against billionaires. And evil corporations that try and make you control the media, control your thoughts here, yeah. It is fun watching two separate groups of incredibly self-important fuck-wit square off though. Oh, that's, it's quite beautiful. But, you know, I'm going to go for the one that wants to abolish private ownership of media, you know, and Sky News is the only one willing to take that mantle. Actually, that does make sense in the case of News Corp, because Rupert Murdoch keeps on being given money to bail out Foxtel.

That's true. It's a publicly funded broadcaster now. It's a publicly funded broadcaster. That's why he's come round to it. He actually is just funded by the public. Those people are getting paid by a job saver, I'm thinking. Hang on, Gabby, your name's Gabby Bolt, isn't it? Yeah.

So you're related to Andrew Bolt, are you? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. So why don't you just get Alex a spot on Sky News now that it's all left to be in? Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, he is my dad. I suppose I can just do like most of the News Corp journalists and just, yeah, get my dad to sort it out. That would mean everything to me.

That's been my dream ever since two days ago when I watched that. Great. Yeah, for sure. I'll get him to get you a job. This episode is not and has never been sponsored by war crimes. And even if it were, you would not know about it. Well, the Tokyo Olympics has been such a fantastic distraction from the horrible situation. back home. We spent a lot of money, didn't we, Charles, sending Zander over there,

had to get all these special exemptions, pay a fortune for hotel quarantine on his way back if he survives. Although I actually got a discount, and the exemption's really easy in the end because I just claimed that he was a pedophile, sorry, alleged pedophile, and they just let him out of the country. Oh, under the Hillsong Rule. Right. Yeah, yeah, okay. Zander, how are things going there in Tokyo? Praise God. They're going amazing. It's been a real soul-searching experience. I've really connected with myself and our Heavenly Father up there, praise be. And it's been life-changing. Oh, good. Now, I want to ask you about some of the results, because there's just been so much action

from an Australian perspective. It's been so many highlights. I mean, what about the boomers? You know what? We got bronze. Not too bad. Paddy Mills killed it. And you know what? We were going really well there. and we hit half-time with the Americans last week, and then it all fell apart, which I think really describes Australia's Olympics performance overall. We hit the first half really well, we come back a tiny bit in the second, but overall, we wish it had ended after halfway.

Well, thank you for that. Now, those Peter Bowle, I mean, that was inspiring, wasn't it? What did you make if his finish? He came forth. That's really good, and I thought it was great, honestly. I don't think there's a lot to comment on. He didn't get a medal, but he put his heart out there

and I think he left everything on the field. Isenda? Yes. What sport does Peter bowl play? 800 metres. Running. Running. But what about the decathlon?

I mean, that was a really surprising result. I definitely wasn't expecting that one. Yeah, we came third, didn't we? First time in donkey's years. Are you cheating? You're looking at the monitor. No, I'm not. I'm not.

You don't know this. We know you're like because you're doing this. this colloquial blokey thing that I've never seen you do before. We can't burn, didn't we? Did you get a chance to interview the decathletes, Xander? What was his name again? What was the decathletes name? Chris, Trevor, Steve, Gavin.

No, there's been no Gavin's born since 1993. Ash Maloney, I mean, you're mates with him now, Ash. Oh, yes, we go way back. The problem is that Xander has been drinking so heavily with all these Olympians afterwards that his memory is a bit affected. He knows them too well. He doesn't call Ash Ash, he calls him Gavin because they're mates. How do the Cuckaburras handle what happened to them?

Well, when they were sitting on the electric wire, they were jumping up and down and I can't report their pants were on fire. Yeah. It was an electrifying finish. In which they came. Where did they come again? Into the emergency ward. It's a, you know.

Hang on a second. Are you actually in Tokyo, Zanda? Are you actually, can you prove to me right now that you are in Tokyo? We're getting all this money to buy tickets. I can prove to you that the beaches on the Maldives are really nice at this time of year, though. Oh, no. been stormed. They are, oh, you know what, you guys are all locked up inside, cold back home.

I'm out here on the beach. I have the best tan, and mahitas serve to me directly. And have you found any of MH370 on the beach? Oh, well, I went looking, and then I realized that it was just too good if a day not to go snorkeling instead. And no NH370, but some beautiful fish, let me tell you that. Well, Zandu, if you've managed to embezzle all these thousands of dollars from us, do you want to be the CEO?

Yeah, I think immediate promotions, CFO, I would have thought. Yeah, look. You can become the auditor of the taser. I've given you good content. I've had fun myself. I think everyone wins. Actually, I'm pretty sure the auditor is also in the Maldives at the moment. Can you say hello to him?

Yeah, I will. I will. I was actually coming over here to check up on the year counts. All right, Zanda, well, your coverage from Tokyo. So it sounded authentic for a brief while there. Yeah. And look, all we can do is send you the one place that's even shonkier than the Maldives, Brisbane, to go and prepare for 2032. I'll stop off at a few tax havens on the way there.

Well, that's it for today's episode. Don't forget to leave a five-star review at Apple Podcasts, at News and Road Microphones. And then we're part of the Acast, Creator Network. Either of you two want to add anything before we go? No. Nah. Let's just get out of here. I want to listen to the next podcast, not this one.

Jokes, I knew the next podcast is Pete Evans. They're such professionals. See ya.