The Chaser Report - Sleep With This Podcast

Episode Date: March 30, 2022

Shhhhhh! In this extra quiet episode of The Chaser Report Charles discovers that most listeners use podcasts to fall asleep. Join Charles as he whispers through the budget, and John as he unpacks the latest conspiracy to come out of American politics. Sweet dreams! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm uncomfortable. For Thursday the 31st of March. Did you get COVID and you lost your voice, Charles? No, I just think, you know, we're just trying to change things up a bit. We're doing like a secret podcast. Yeah, this is like a lean-in podcast.

Oh, like ASM. Finally, an ASMR episode. People, because there's new research out, shows that people like to listen to podcasts while they're going to sleep. So I don't want to wake up anyone. But surely in terms of sound design, this is a bit weird. I can understand if there's two people whispering at you. There's four people in this room.

What position around their heads are we? Well, this spatial audio would be in all different places. Okay. Okay. Surely our podcast is boring enough that they want to go to sleep, they can do it anyway. Well, this is the thing. We've got a perfect, sleepy podcast today because I'm going to talk about the budget. Oh, perfect.

Very nice. And then, John, what are you talking about? I'm going to be talking about American schools and the conspiracy theory that has spread to Australia. Well, that sounds a bit too interesting. No, no, no, no. The conspiracy theory should always be shared in secret. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I like it.

It's been nice. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dana Muno in the Jason Newsroom. You kind of sound like you're going to murder me, Charles. Scott Morrison has announced that every low-income person, will be provided with a one-off $250 to help with the cost of living. Though Morrison hopes that voters will use this additional cash to help pay for the price of a carton of milk, landlords across the country have already decided to raise the price of weekly rent by the $250.

While announcing the new federal budget on Tuesday, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg also revealed a $420 dollar tax rebate for Aussie households. The politician who receives a travel expense of $300 a day to stay in apartments they own in Canberra told the public that $420 in three to five months is more than enough to afford the cost of living now. The federal government has downplayed floods as a once-in-every-five-minute event. Upon hearing that Lismore is once again at risk of flooding, the Prime Minister has immediately rushed to his home to get out and help by learning a new song on the ukulele.

Those are the latest updates from the Chaser News desk. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I've never been slapped for doing these headlines. Okay, everyone, wake up! Oh, fuck. Wake up! What? I was liking that.

Yeah, I got really relaxed. No, we're going to talk about the budget now. I'm just going to fall asleep again. Yeah. which is, how's everyone going to spend their extra $4.75 a week? Whoa. Yeah. That's like double my wage here at the Chaser.

That's amazing. So that's if you have a full tank of petrol each week. Oh, yeah, true. Oh, they're making petrol cheaper? They're making petrol cheaper, $4.75. You can bank that. And it's just for six months. But wait, the government's paying more for petrol.

we can get it for cheaper. So we're paying less tax. We're paying half of the tax that we normally do. I get taxed on petrol. 22 cents a litre is going, it's going to be cheaper. I feel like I've been doing tax fraud. I've never declared petrol as a taxable thing. No, no, no.

You pay it when you buy the tax. GST. It's inclusive. Oh, right. The government makes less money. But the point is that the government is us, so we just end up with less money. Yeah.

To phone hospitals and roads. I kind of assume that petrol companies would just jack up the price to match what it was. just before and just pocket that GST for themselves? Yeah. No, I don't think so. No, they're good people. Yeah, they're good people.

It's not our... Their companies with integrity. I never thought I'd see cynicism on the Chaser Report. I'm sorry, guys. I can't believe you're not trusting the big fuel companies. If there's one industry that we can all trust, it's big energy and big fuel. So what are we going to do with the extra four bucks?

Well, I don't know. That's what I wanted to talk about now. Charles now has money for soft serves. Ah, goody. Yep, we could, I could buy some soft serves for myself and upper management here at the Chaser. We could pull it all together here and buy like one pack of beer. Oh, well, that's the other thing that's going to drop in price,

20 cents off your next beer, pub. Yep. Oh, so they're like, we're not going to give you money to live, but hey, alcoholism is easy to do now. Both driving and drinking is cheaper. Great, but not together. This is the way to go. All of a sudden, we're going to see cops on the road a lot more.

Yes. This is the likelihood's a lot higher. We're going to get some today. That's genius. Did Barnaby write this budget so far? It's fossil fuels and it's beer. Yeah, no. Surely there's something else.

And then the other thing that if you're poor enough, you'll get $250. Oh. In April. Wow, how helpful. Yeah. And then there's other things. They've given money. So Scott Morrison.

got really angry this morning. But he did the budget. He basically said, look, don't blame me. I know everyone says that I shouldn't give money to natural disaster relief. Wait, wait. But I'm going to, right? I'm doing the brave thing.

I'm going to do the brave thing and be nice to people. I know everyone says I shouldn't. I think it's just telling of who he surround himself with. He only has coal lobbyists around him. Like, don't do it, don't do it. It's like, everyone's telling me this. But the flood affected regions in Lismore, which are currently under war,

the levees broke yesterday. Yeah, fuck. They, under the budget, there's going to be 50 million extra thoughts and prayers. So that's... So many. Can we afford that? Yeah, I don't think we can't.

Well, I've been saying it's got Morrison all week. Don't send extra money to crisis relief. Yeah, he's doing the brave thing. Yeah, the brave thing of giving money to people Who need it? Yeah. And I want a more emotionally responsible government that will put us into a thoughts and prayers surplus. Yes.

Yes, where we gather up all the thoughts and prayers and don't use them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And save it for the people who need it most. This is really reckless. It's not emotionally intelligent government. Well, I think actually Jerry Harvey is getting 26 million of those thoughts and prayers himself. My favorite thing is you checking the notes as if you've written that down. So that was the budget.

it round up. Anyone else got a joke? Is there anything? The arts got cut by 20% which is shocking to no one. But I think that's good because we've been through a massive sort of trauma, national trauma. We don't need to process it. We're better off just sort of blocking that out

and just moving on. And you what's really, really nice about these consecutive budget cuts for arts is that every time they cut it, 20% is a smaller number. Yes. So when they cut 20% I'm like, well, at least that was smaller than 20% last year. That's true.

That's very good. So it's just, it's kind of getting better and better, really. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. So John, what we're going to do is we're going to have an X-Files conspiracy theory music bed to this segment. Yeah. So tell us the latest conspiracy theory from America. Hey guys, so I don't know. So everyone might remember some of the latest.

big things out of America and all good things America starts in schools Oh yeah, I remember Sandy Hook that's pretty big cut it, cut it like going cut it, cut it, kids are dead, cut it kids are always dead

You can't cut every joke when a kid dies Yeah, if we cut every school shooting in the joke of America That's like a daily thing that we can't make fun of anymore Is Columbine still too soon? No, that's fine They're all adults now Well, the ones who are alive

Oh, no, we're not That's good Oh no, shut my mouth Sorry, John. Do your segment. I'll shut up. So we've been past, like, critical race theory, and we've been past rampant transphobia in the last couple years around school debate, but now there's a hot new threat to schools. Oh.

Furries. What? Yep, furries. They're the new threat. So, wait a minute. Furies are, aren't they people who dress up as animals, Ferry animals and then have sex, is it? Well, they don't always have sex. The sex is a separate part of it, but...

They dress up as animals and then pretend that they're a humanoid animal. So you might have heard on Media Watch, which has gotten a lot of attention to the story, that the Courier Mail has revealed that a school in Queensland has apparently, according to unnamed sources within the school, had kids meowing, hissing and licking themselves? Is that not? That's just kids Yeah, was that

Being kids There was like a month there Where I pretended To be a horse I mean the first day of school We were told You know Pretend to be your favourite animal

Yeah It's just standard Every nursery rhyme Yeah So this specific school Is a high school But Oh

Right But so That's different then Literally everyone in the school Has come out And said like That's not What's happening at all

Because the claim It's also It's happening in class which of course the teachers aren't allowing kids to just like yell out animal noises during the middle of like your 10 math. That'd be pretty funny though. Brin kids.

All right, kids, quadratic equations. Meow! So. Actually, that's a great way to interrupt your class, isn't it? I mean, you'll pay attention if you're the student. Yeah. If your teacher's just randomly throwing out meowing? Oh, wait a minute.

So the teachers are doing? Oh, no, this is the students. I was thinking about this from a teacher's perspective. You start, like, meowing in the students. middle of the class. I just thought it's like the best way to make a substitute teacher cry. Yeah. Yeah.

Kids, please. I understand I'm not your regular teacher, but can you just focus for two seconds the class? So I don't see the problem. This sounds like totally normal. Yeah. So obviously something this dumb has gotten a lot of attention from News Corp. Skyny's talking about it.

And on Media Watch, they're like, oh, we're not sure where they've come up with this idea. But I am. Because I've been looking at this story, unironically, for about a month. And it's been a story we've had in the back pocket for this podcast for about a month. You didn't hear it here first. Coincidentally, I mean, obviously I'm not going to besmurch the good name of Sky News and curry a mail with an allegation that they've stolen a story. But coincidentally, a word-for-word, same allegation was made in America a month ago

by a parent at a student board meeting, which, I mean, it's just surely a coincidence that this claim that was done in a Queensland school with no proof that the Queensland school has ever had this complaint is exactly the same as a complaint that was made to an American school. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. What is in it for anyone to have a conspiracy theory that furies are out of control in high schools?

So what's the... Is this a sort of, you know, they've moved on from transgender, to furry panic. Well, if we listen to this clip I have from the first ever person to start this conspiracy theory that's huge in America, then you'll be able to maybe see a connection to what they're trying to do. There are kids that identify as a furry, a cat or a dog, whatever. And so yesterday I heard that at least one of our schools in our town

has in one of the unisex bathrooms a litter box for the kids that identify as cats. and I am really disturbed by that That was on national TV in America You know that it's not April the 1st yet It's tomorrow, John I mean, yeah, that's a real American school clip I love it

Oh man! The level of discourse in America Do you reckon it's real though? Is there a little box? It would have to be huge, wouldn't it? I feel like a sandpit. If I feel like a sandpit. If it was a thing when I was going to school every single boy would use a litter box because it's hilarious. No, but they wouldn't actually aim properly.

No, we'd shit all over this. You don't really have to, do you? It's a litter box. But also, isn't litter... Litter is designed to minimise smell. Like, it might actually... It clumps as well. Putting litter in a male toilet would be a very good idea

because they stink. I don't know whether you know this, Gabby, but men's toilets are fucking horrible. Yeah, no, no shit. Yeah, because women don't poop. That's, yep, that's completely true. You can't pee without gravity. For non-regular listeners, that was a callback to about a week ago.

So, Alexa, you did ask a good question, and the school did put out a communication saying that it's the weirdest communication they've ever had to put out, but no, there are not litter boxes in the spoilers. But, hey, just to put on my conspiracy theory hat for a moment, John, they would say that, if there were litter boxes. It would say a cover-up. It's clearly a cover of it.

All they have are litter boxes. There's no other kind of toilet. They're just trying to cover up the smell with kitty litter. Yeah. Sprinkle kitty litter on the allegations. Charles, you're saying that is how the story has spread on Facebook between different conservative groups in America. But the whole conversation is clearly just like they've lost the argument about,

because Joe Biden has made it so that schools have unisex toilets now and that trans kids can use whichever toilet they identify. with. And immediately all of a sudden this conspiracy theory showed up where I was like, oh, if they're because like she said in there, that they're unisex toilets and for kids who identify as a cat, there's now litter boxes.

So it's clearly just them trying to figure out a new way to be transphobic and they're like, oh well, we'll claim that all the kids are fairies now despite the fact they're not wearing fur suits, which is the most, like the biggest part of being a furry is the fur suit and none of the other stuff that you're doing that.

But luckily like all good things like this, the Republican Party has now gotten on board with this conspiracy theory with a Texas Republican candidate tweeting out that schools are now lowering the height of tables for dog bowls. And there's parents who complained to the Republican Party about

schools having diversity quotas or kids who are furries and conversion therapy to make kids into furies. And that also a Republican a current Republican senator from Nebraska has been made to apologize because during a Senate debate.

Sarah Palin, we told you, retire. Surprisingly, it wasn't her. It was someone called Bruce Bostelman. That's not his name. What's his name? Bostleman. Bruce Bostleman. It sounds like an animal trying to be a human.

I was like, what's a kink? There's a kink trying to be a human and comes up with the most bullshit human name he can. He was talking about his own experiences in schools, shooting in a litter box Oh No He had to apologise

What? So he apologised Because like during a Senate Debate on schools He was like Oh and now you hear All these stories of kids Go in a toilet box at school

Because of the toilet Because of the fuck And so the Republican Party was like We can't actively say it During a Senate debate No to be fair I think I think that allegation is actually true

Because if you're living in Alaska Your toilet bowls are frozen over Like where are you going to poo if not in the litter box. I'm in Nebraska. Oh, Nebraska. Nebraska. It's like Texas and Nebraska that I've had this issue so far, which makes a lot of sense.

Never eat brown snow. Oh. In Nebraska. Oh. Our gears from road microphones and we're part of the A-cast Creator Network. Catch you tomorrow.