The Chaser Report - Sloppy Sub Seconds

Episode Date: June 1, 2026

Charles was looking to make a big new purchase, but now he's second-guessing himself. Because isn't it better to just re-buy what you already have, and never upgrade? Plus, Dom takes a look at the nostalgic new direction of the Liberal Party.---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Here we are ready for another episode where I have no idea what we're talking about. Charles, take it away. Now, Dom, as you probably know, my car is, I think, 14 years old, right? It's almost eligible for heritage plates, yeah. Yeah.

So I'm thinking, been for a while. well, maybe I should get a new car. Oh, yeah. Right. And so I've been test driving all these fancy new cars, and there's all these ones from China that you've never heard of, and they have names that are completely incomprehensible, like X-Ping and, you know, cheery and.

There's one with a Zed in it, too, isn't there? Zika. Yeah, I test drove a Zika. Isn't that a virus? Yeah. Anyway, but I was listening to Richard Miles last night on the news, and it struck me, And instead of buying a fancy new car, what I should actually do is just buy another version of the same old car.

Like, just get a 2012 Mazda again, right? This sounds to me, and I'm not sure, but knowing you, this sounds to me like we're going to end up talking about submarines. Let's take some ads and we can try and figure out what the best option is. Well, I must say, I admire that you're kind of eco-conscious thinking here, Charles, because you could take... Why get a brand new car when you could take a rust bucket that would otherwise be scrapped and drive that? Well, and the thing is, and I think this is so important. And he said, in fact, Loughlin insert Richard Miles here because I think his quote is so convincing. What he said was, it is definitely cost effective and to be clear, you know, this is a very expensive program, obviously.

And so we are trying to find every cost effective option as we walk down this path. So this is a very useful financial contribution to the cost of the overall program. But it's actually at the heart of this is chasing simplicity. And it will be really important. We've got to think of the submariners here, the people driving the subs. Sure. You know, if we get two old subs and a new sub, it's going to be confusing. Like, you know, when you're, you know, driving different cars, you don't want to drive the new one.

When the stalks on the left-hand side and the right-hand side of your submarine, you're not sure which way to indicate. Oh, it's very confusing. So, so what you want to do is just stick with the old, just to have three old ones rather than two old ones and a new one. Are they going to stick a nuclear reactor on the back of a Collins class? Is that where this logic is going? Well, you've not seen the news. No, I haven't. Oh, right.

Is it all off? So the news is. No, Orcas, no, it's not off. It's on. It's better than ever, Dom. Oh, really? It's better than ever because it thrill me. Instead of getting a new hawk a submarine.

Right. Which would have been, it would have been so, you know, when you buy a new car, you go, oh, no. It's got a new car smell. Oh, I don't like that. And you feel really bad when you ding it. Yeah. And it would be terrible dinging a sub. Can you imagine?

Oh, imagine that reverse backing the sub in Sydney Harbour. I know. I know. 20% of your valley just goes out the door. Also, when you drive the submarine out of the dealership, yeah, depreciation. He lose huge amount of money right there. Well, very cleverly, I think, the Australian government's gone, let's not do that. Let's instead just get three old submarines, right?

And so there's no new, Australia is no longer going to get a new orca sub. Right. They're all going to be incredibly old ones. Do we still get a deal as warrant, warranty? And is their roadside assists thrown in? I don't want to think of our submariners, think of them, being stuck in the middle of the Indian Ocean. unable to call for, you know, whatever the US Navy version of NRMA is. Well, I'm not sure how useful that would be nowadays.

Like, aren't all their sort of NRMA style or RACV style subs over in the straight of Hormuz? Probably. Yeah, they're probably under there. I'm sure they're getting rid of the mines, Charles. Okay, so hang on. So just to unpack the extended metaphor you've been going with here. Yeah. Does this mean then that we're not going to get.

the hypothetical orcus submarines and we're going to get the Virginia class ones instead that we've been talking about, the American ones. Yeah, the American ones. Yeah, we're just getting only them, only used ones. And look, people, critics, you know, naysayers are saying that it's a complete rip-off. Because I don't think the price tag is changing. Well, that's the question I had, is that, surely if you're getting much older subs, yeah, from Americans, rather than brand new ones from Britain. No, but if you listen to Richard Marles, right, this streamslines the process. This is a streamlining.

This is actually, like, it sounds like it was an, the way he talks, it sounds like it was Australia's idea. Oh. Because they're just thinking of the submariners and all the people who have to drive this thing. They're just thinking to the little people and going, this will streamline Australia's subs because they'll all be the same shitty old sub. It's like they'll just have a whole lot of 2012 Mazda's to drive.

And they won't get their nice seeker. Charles, can I suggest that we do something? Right. This is a little project for you and your buddy Claude A.I. Oh, yeah. What I want you to do is get transcripts of all of the previous episodes of the podcast. Because this keeps coming up. Yeah, all the previous episodes of the podcast, all 1,300 or so.

Yeah. Let's find it. We should find it. But problem one, if I recall, one of the reasons why Richard Miles may be right about this, Charles, is two words. What? British engineering.

Oh, yes. I mean, the idea that the great hope of Australia's defence is going to be anything made in the UK, except for perhaps like a Rolls-Royce engine, although they're probably made in China now. The idea that British technology is going to be the solution to any problem in the real world is, you know, optimistic. But then also, Charles, can I remind you? Isn't it true that these subs, the other subs that we're waiting for and paying all that? Haven't we sort of nudge, nudge, wink, wink, accepted that they're probably never going to come?

Like, isn't it better getting secondhand potentially shitbox subs rather than ones like hypothetical non-existent subs in 2050? Tom, that sounds so cynical. Like, look, I admit that that's... I shouldn't diss the British, should I? No, but I admit that that's probably exactly the reason. But that's not what Richard Miles is saying. Richard Miles is saying it's his decision to just better. It's just better to get older.

Yeah, because if there's one thing you know about August, it's that it's that Australian, Australia gets to call the shots. I mean, I do think that one of the things that's very good about this deal is, like one of the things that I don't have in my MESDA is a proper like Bluetooth setup in my car. Right. It doesn't have Apple car player. Yeah, it's too old for that. Yeah, yeah.

You've got to plug it in and stuff. Well, the other thing. And I reckon maybe. The whole point is the new fancy subs that we're not getting anymore. They all have these control. You know how it'd all be a screen, wouldn't it? There'd be no knobs. Yeah.

It'd be no button. It'd be capacitive touchscreen. Yeah. And you know what? You know what? Actually, I'm in favour of this if there's just one thing with these new subs, you can guarantee me. What?

They don't have Bluetooth. Yeah, it's right. The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. It's just also on ageing things. If I can bring in another analogy. Yeah. So I know you love them.

Yeah. I see in the papers today, Pauline Hanson is saying she will be ready to go as prime minister after the next election at the age of 74. Right. She'll be 74. She's fit as fit or she says. She'll be Trump's age when he was first president.

That's right. Actually, no, she'll be older, won't she? Because he's 80 now. Yeah, right. Yeah, we must have been 68 or something. Yeah, right. So, yeah, much older. And then the other person who's ageless and just coming back is,

If you want a new, exciting direction for an organisation in enormous trouble, Charles. I'm talking, of course, of the Liberal Party. Who do you get, who do you bring in as president? Someone with energy and determination who can make things happen. I'm thinking Ben Robert Smith. Oh, no, no, he's one nation. I think he's, I think BRS is off the table. With energy and vigor.

Look, it's subjudice in Charles, but off the table status could be quite long term. Energy and vigor. Someone who's known. I know. James Magnuson. Was that the guy? Or was it Robert Megget? What's the name of the swimmer?

The enhanced games guy. The enhanced games guy. No, I'm talking about someone who's almost as musly, but entirely naturally, I'm sure. Oh, fuck. Okay. Fresh. Something we've, you know, fresh, you're familiar. So it'll be.

Energetic and wise, road tested. I hesitate to say this, but I think we're both thinking, guy Sebastian, are. Is that what you're thinking? As the new federal president of the rule party? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, maybe. Yeah. He once said he wanted to punch him.

conscious in the face. Yeah, I recall. And he was a friend of Scombeau, wasn't he, for a while? Oh, you might well admit. Much of that period's gone from my memory now, Charles. No, no, I'm talking, of course, of the little engine that could. Oh, right. Tony Abbott.

Oh. Tony Abbott, the new federal president of the Liberal Party. Right. He's come off the bench. In an hour of need, when they need definition and new ideas and determination. Well, Dom, look, this is a surprise. But can I pitch to you the idea that if you, Probably look at the parliamentary performance and the number of seats that the Liberal Party has won in elections since 2007, in the last 20 years.

I think you would say, like Tony Abbott, I think, represents the high water mark, doesn't he? Like, if you think about it, you know, Tony Abbott gets elected prime minister, and then it's basically all downhill from there ever since, isn't it? I mean, the thing about Tony Abbott is that there's clear brand definition. Yes. Going back to the sort of orchestra equivalent, you know what you're getting. Yes, you get every single person. If you had Tony Abbott back, you wouldn't need a submarine. He'd just go out there and punch them in the face.

He'd just literally dive down and, you know, punch the submarine. His shirt front would. His shirt front of the submarine, he would. And do you know what else would happen if Tony Abbott came back? Yeah, what? Knights and dames. Nights and dames. That's the thing the Liberal Party need.

So are we talking? So is there going to be rapprochement between the Liberal Party? like Tony Abbott and Paul Hansen is what you're saying there's going to be some sort of deal Well that's a good question And Tony Abbott Tony Abbott put Pauline Hanson in jail

Wasn't that either person He'd the Australians Foreignist politics? I think they've got a bit of bad blood between them But maybe he's not the perfect choice For this moment then But I'm just saying It's not going to be Prime Minister Paul and Hansen It's going to be Prime Minister Dame Paul Ian Hansen

The Orca submarine I reckon that's going to be the thing That gets her across the line You know what? If the or if the orca subs have as long a life in politics as point, you know, a longer life in services as Paulian Hansen's turned out to. Yes. Isn't it like 30, 30 years or so?

She first arrived. I feel like we're getting a secondhand prime minister at this point. So it's all second hands. It's pulling hands in Tony Abbott. It's Alcott submarines. We've got to bring back Kevin 07 to rescue us. You know what? I think Kevin would be up for that.

Is Kim Beasley still going? Sure. Yeah. Why not? Paul Keating is still, Paul Keating would still be up for it. Yes. He still got the fire in the belly. Sir Paul Keating. Yeah. He would never. Oh, that didn't. Oh, that's... He exploded.

Same Paul Enhanson, Prime Minister and the Orcas subs, maybe a little bit getting on in years, but dedicated to keeping people away from Australia. And so the question is, so Paul Enhanson, or is she saying she's going to get enough seats to become and Prime Minister and own, right? Or is that in a deal with the leaves? Oh, I'm pretty sure she thinks she's getting it solo. Right. I was going very well for.

Because I feel like the one thing that always unhooks, especially amateur politician, not that she's an amateur. She's probably the most experienced politician in the parliament is the arrogance. Like, as soon as you start talking yourself and saying, I'm going to be proud. I suppose at this point, though, she's got to be putting that idea into people's brains. Because I must say, like, I mean, everyone's shocked. Like, I've been getting messages from. from overseas friends going,

we've seen the polling with one nation. It's terrible. What are you going to do there? And, you know, my response is, well, I'll just go to a different country. I'll just go to, say, the US, oh, no. The UK? Oh, no. No, look.

Because you know Nigel Farage is definitely going to be the next prime minister over there. It's looking pretty good at them. So you're just going here in Australia, you have to say, I reckon, a real strong part of Paul and Hanson's rise is the story of their game on TikTok. Like, even this morning. morning, Angus is telling me about... Not Angus Taylor, Angus Firth.

Sorry, my son was telling me about, like, that thing about her wanting to become Prime Minister is doing the rounds on social media, like, amongst sort of 20-something and teenage, like the Gen Z. PM Pauline. They've absolutely sewn up that market with just a fucking amazing social media. So where we're at now, the reason why this has come up, just to go on another subject, is that the Financial Review poll last night had one nation getting 31% of the primary vote. head of Labor at 28, coalition at 20.

So this is the highest level. But she has, Pauline said one thing this morning, Pauline Hanson has, which I think all Australians can get behind. I honestly think this has got a universal consensus. Oh, okay, right. It's a unifying theme. Yeah, she has. I think this is something, you'll support it.

Oh, great. I'll support it. Oh, excellent. Pauline has instructed her staff to tap me on the shoulder, should I become like a Joe Biden. Wow. I think that's. She's already thinking about succession planning.

I think that's already very, very. sensible. That is great. She shows any sign of being like Joe Biden. Sorry. We've got to do a chaser style stunt and go and tap her on the shoulder. Look, she leads the most popular party in the country. Everything's changing.

Fuck. So what's her position on the subs? They're too new. I don't know about that. All I know is she says she can still run down the corridor of parliament and heels. She can do that. Maybe she's ready to serve. Okay.

Well, you know what that next article is on the Herald homepage, by the way? What? Inside Australia's Futureproof Quarantine Centre with separate plumbing and high-tech sanitation. I think if you go into this thing, look at these people wearing these suits and masks. If you go in there, you'll be all right. Okay. So we just quarantine. We've got to find a nation that we can flee to.

I mean, no, Roos always had a lot going for it. We're part of the Iconicless network. Catch you tomorrow.