The Chaser Report - Special Royal Tour Sedition!

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

King Charles and King Dom welcome King Charles III and Queen Camilla to Australia with The Chaser Report's signature cocktails of conspiracy theories, commentary, and sedition. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to a very regal edition of The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. The official satirical podcast of the 2024 visit by Their Majesty's King Charles III and Queen Camilla, the first and only ever first and last

this is the first king ever to visit the first king of Australia ever to visit our shores there has never been another king of Australia who has visited before there will never be

another king of Australia well what about King Wally Lewis that's very true or King Malmaninga yeah that's true it is funny isn't it that it's taken this long for a king to visit

And even serious commentators are actually saying this probably will be the last one. Certainly by Charles, but probably by any king. Oh, but he's a sprightly 80-year-old. Well, talk about... I feel like he's got a few more trips left in him. To the hospital? Look, that's what he's done. He's come out here for a tour of the surprisingly good free hospitals.

You laugh, you laugh, but you haven't read the itinerary, have you? Oh, no. No, sorry, Charles, I forgot. You've been following the royal couple. intimately as they travel around the country. I've been doing my assignment, which is the official royal reporter of the Chase Report. Yes, so I'm going to ask you what you've experienced, given your great knowledge of their schedule, because all I'm going to say is there is someone on this trip who I suspect he genuinely really wants to talk to.

Only one. There is one person on the itinerary who I think, honestly, could be the reason for the entire trip. Wow. Okay. It will be revealed very, very soon. As we recap the Royal Tour, 2024, after these King of Prue. Advertising Messages All of the products you just heard

are personally endorsed by, can I say that, Amazon? I don't know. We don't choose or endorse them anyway, by ACAS. Anyway, so look, Charles, you were there on the tarmac late on whatever night it was, Friday night, I think it was, when the king and queen touched down. It was quite unexpected because, you know,

I hadn't planned to follow this visit at all. But they rang up. I think it was like Admiralty House rang up and said, Charles, can you get down here? We need, you know, we've got some reporters on things, but we need proper significant coverage.

That's right. And you were in a terrible rush. Yes, exactly. But then you realised that they'd been flying jet's time. It actually had plenty of your time. You walked there. Oh, my God. And I got there. And the only thing King Charles talked about, the whole way down the tarmac and, you know everyone has to bat.

There's so much ceremony. Every time where you go with Charles, it's ceremony. Ceremony. But we were chatting about it, and he was just complaining about the excess baggage fees on Jetstar. You couldn't get him off the topic. It does show how much the monarchy has fallen in Australia. We now make the king fly on Jetstar. I mean, back in the day, it would have at least have been Qantas premium economy.

Back in the days, you know, I was reading. No, it should have been wrecks. It should have been Rex would have been very fitting. Well said. Yes, a Latin joke. We don't do those every day. Charles, here's the thing. I didn't realise this.

But when the first visit by a monarch occurred in Australia, you know, of course, when that was. Oh, well, that was a reigning monarch. That would have been... Who was the first? Was it King George? No, no, no, it can't be a king. So it must have been Queen Elizabeth. I don't remember when she arrived.

She was very... She was in a 20s. It was, I think maybe, I'm going to guess, 1957. I don't know, but about that kind of time. At the time, a million people were estimated to have ringed around, you know, line the shores of Sydney Harbour to watch the Royal Yacht Britannia arriving, which was more than half the population of Sydney at the time. And this is before we even had Instagram.

So they wouldn't have even been able to, they wouldn't have had binoculars, they wouldn't have even been able to see the thing. And so to go from more than half of the people in our city went out to see her arrive. And she stayed for about 58 days, traveling around the country. I remember my parents saying that, you know, one of the defining memories of their childhood was getting the day off. Like all the schools in Sydney went down to the harbour to see. Yeah, they all went to see.

And so what happened when they arrived this time was that the plane turned up late at night. I think they're like five people there. Chris Minns was there. I was there. Premier Minns was there. Charles Firth was there. That's all you need. It was touching.

I mean, it's sort of like the half of New South Wales that you need. Well, from one child, to another. Yeah, exactly. It was a Charles Charles conference, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, even Albo didn't go to the airport. Oh, really?

No, I don't believe you did. I look, to be clear, I have been reading a little bit about this. I haven't actually gone to trouble of checking the fact before we get into this. But I'm pretty sure our, because Albo lives next door in one of his free houses. Yeah, it's probably too busy. Well, he's actually got a country to run, Charles. You see, unlike the king. Unlike the king.

Yeah, so he would have been there doing his job. And then the king came to him effectively. Yeah, right. the night at Admiralty House. Oh, I think I mean... And so Albo just popped over for a cup of tea later in the night. Yes. Do you think that's the reason why Albo bought that place up the Central Code

is realizing its potential, like Kiribili House's potential as an Airbnb. That's a very good idea. I reckon this is not unconcidental. But what happened was actually they've been charging a small fortune. Right. Because, you know, King Charles requested, oh, can I stay at Kiribald? Kiribilly House. No, Admiralty House.

The one next door, the Governor General's House. Yeah, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that gave Albo an idea. Hang on. Yeah. If even the King of... High-profile visitors. Even the King of England wants to come and, you know, request thing.

If I put it up on Airbnb, if I put Kiribili House up on Airbnb, I could make a small fortune. Meanwhile, I could live up in Kubik Havana. That's one theory, and it's a good theory. The other element of it is that I reckon, so have you seen one of the big... And imagine Airbnb being the lodge. I mean, I'd do that. Oh, you would.

Except they'd probably ban parties, wouldn't it? Oh, no, no, you'd just say you're a political party. Yeah, yeah, that's right. But that's where you party when you lose office. Yeah, yeah. So you could party like you Kevin Rudd and, you know, the one time you actually had a party. Anyway, the point I'm, just to go back to Albo, we'll get back to the king in a second. But the other theory is, so this is one of the controversies of the trip, Charles, is that all the premiers, every premieres, every premier in the whole of Australia.

has declined to come to Canberra to meet the king. I've just said we're too busy. It's probably not about the king. It's probably more about Canberra. Yeah, I don't know if it's Canberra or the king. But Albo obviously doesn't have that excuse because he, those are the two places he lives. So he couldn't go, I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I can't come and meet you on your trip because I live next door.

Like, it just wouldn't make sense. But if you can say I'm actually up at the Central Coast that weekend, then he can get out of meeting the king if he comes back. You see what I'm saying? He didn't have a weekend day because both of his... houses are next to the king's houses like, you know, do you reckon that's why he asked for a rushed settlement?

Yes, I think that's right. So if the king comes back, if he decides after Samoa because he's going to, you know, chog him or whatever, if the king's unwell or something has to come back. Yeah, you want to have a excuse. I'm sorry. And so they're all oh, you know, Stephen, Stephen Miles, friend of the show, I'm in an election campaign.

I'm too busy losing an election campaign. Just Cindy Allen, the Premier of Victoria said, look, if you'd come to Melbourne, I would have been happy to come and say hello, but I'm not going to leave the state. You know, Victorians don't want to leave Victoria. So anyway, so King Charles arrives at Admiralty House. It's still on Friday night. We've got a lot of tour to

Reck Apaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what a touching tribute they had. They had photos of the King, uh, from his different trips to Australia over the years. Yes, because he's visited a lot, isn't he? Projected on the sales of, uh, of the opera house. Isn't that a lovely idea? Yes. The one

problem with it. It's a slight problem. Oh yeah. No one's pointed out. You got it here first as a Sydney cider. Yes. Is it When you're at Admiralty House, you can't see the sales. You're actually seeing the front of the building. And also, they kept on putting the odds of the Everest up at the same time. Well, that's another thing I want to talk about. It was, and it was like, oh, that's Princess Head.

Oh, no, that's the Everest. That's right. That's the odds of Charles lasting from another year. No, it's not. That's the Everest. No, so they had the photos up on there. Well, that's very touching. There were no photos of him dressed as a tampon, which I think is,

Yeah. He's an oversight. Just to clarify, it was the Governor General at Admiralty House? Was it like a sleepover? I don't think she was there, Sam Moston, the new Gigi. No, I imagine she was in Canberra. Right. No, because she had, she has another part of this.

Oh, okay. I know, she did actually rock up at one point. Okay, so we're on... Yeah, because I suspect you'd sort of have to just protocol-wise. I think so. So we're on Saturday, we're on Saturday now. Yeah. Now, Saturday, speaking with the Everest,

Peter Vlandis, you know, the guy who runs racing, who's an amazing entrepreneur. Like, he had somehow managed to convince all the people who wanted to come to the Everest there was a good chance that the king would come to them. See, I'm serious. The Daily Tegroft went and interviewed them all. And everyone was like, oh, he's going to come.

And they called the key race of the day. They called it the King Charles III Stakes. And everyone thought he was going to be there to hand out the trophy. And all these people were like, oh, yeah, I really want to see the Royals when they come. What a great gun. And Valanis didn't say he's coming, but he just said, look, I wouldn't be surprised.

The man loves a race. And it is called Royal Randwick. It's called Royal Randwick. It's called Royal Roundwick. That's right. Do you want to guess whether the King Charles actually turned up for a spontaneous visit? Well, I'll bet you. Yeah, that's right.

Rita, he did not. He did not turn up at all to the Everest. And so that said disappointment is part of going to the racetrack. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. It's a good. So that was one thing that happened. Another thing that happened, Charles.

And this is, yeah, Sam Moston, the new governor-general. What does this remind you of? She gave the King three new titles in honor of his visit. Oh, no. No, it's another Tony Abbott. It's a Prince Philip special. Oh, no. What titles?

Can you guess what they are? It's quite baffling. Okay. I presume he's got Pikachu, so maybe Charmielion. That would actually be useful if he'd got some Pokemon go. Let's see. It would be like... For Osuka.

Okay, I think he's still exhausted your Pokemon. But what do you give the man who has everything? He's king of a soul. Australia. Let's not forget that he is, when he's in Australia, he's, his position is he is the king of our country. Yes, okay. So what do you give someone who has that job that they don't have already? Because the order of Australia is a bit of a step down. So step down. It's in means old. So it's got to be, well, what does Ben Robert Smith have? What does he get? A conviction is a war criminal? Oh, well, that's actually probably

would suit King Charles. Okay, no, this is, it's just surreal. It's a completely surreal. Okay, what is it? Hang on, let me see if I can work it out. Like, try and get into the head of what this world values, this world of monarchs and fanciness and titles and all that. What do you think it would be? Oh, no, it'll be some sort of made-up thing. Like, it'll be the holder of the garter of the mistress of the prime minister. That would be good.

Yeah, yeah, like, or of just, you know, tampon in chief or something. Yeah, yeah. No, no, this is the thing that I find absolutely baffling about this. Maybe it's like, is it something Australian. Is it like? It is. It's about Australia. Yeah.

It's like Brewer in Chief. Oh, from San Diego's College, spewmaster. Yeah, Spue Master. Yeah, Chunder Master. Yeah. No, she named him, Admiral of the Fleet of the Royal Australian Navy, field marshaled the Australian Army,

and marshaled the Royal Australian Air Force. Oh. He's the king. Like, how does that make sense? No, I think, no. This is where I go, actually, that is a very smart move. What's that? Because, if you think about it,

There's all these Republicans Oh yes Sort of going around Going oh this would be the last visit You know Oh Chose the time The irrelevance of the thing

But if you make the king The monarch The head of your armies Which is the case in the UK Right Like the reason why it's actually Republicanism Is actually harder than you'd expect

In the UK Is because there is actually A sort of constitution Like the army The head of the army Doesn't And the rest of the army Doesn't swear loyalty

to the government of Britain, they swear loyalty to the crown. Oh, that's actually troubling, isn't it? Well, in terms of separation of powers, it's like, you know, it's not just church and state. There's also military. The military is actually separate from the state. And I think what's happening here is this is a very clever way

to mean that even if we became a republic, he would still be the head of the army, the navy and the air force, which actually means that Orcus, for example, can still keep going. Oh. Even if we become bulshy. So Orcus would be self-dealing. Yes. Because he's already in charge of...

Like, if he's in charge of two of the three militaries already, then it's easy. I mean, I don't know how America works, but we've got to set up... We've got to set up a space force as well. That's true. The Australian Space Force would be great. He can be a galactic commercial of... Yes, he could, but you're right. If he is the, what is he, the, the Admiral of the Fleet, can't he?

just do the Orcas deal without us? Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. This is just... All right. This is a fail save. That's very... It's okay, there is a reason for it. Well, that's one thing, answered.

The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. The other thing I'd say, look, I don't want to be too 1975 on everyone. But as part of my job, as Royal Correspondent, when Sam joined us,

I did sort of... You mean the Governor-in-General? Yeah, yeah. I just sort of, just low-level, put in the idea. Oh, you look... Oh, that's another dismissal. Maybe, you know, just saying, maybe, like, and I don't think it would be... I don't think, I think it's very similar to 1975.

I don't think anyone's going to go, oh, no, what an outright. Like, it's going to be actually different to 1975, because all the Labour Party people are going to go, oh, yeah, actually, maybe that's not a bad idea, dismissal. All the Conservative. We'll love it. Because it's another dismissal. I think it would be a very unifying thing. I think it would be a very good thing for the monarchy to go for Prince.

Because I've always assumed the reason he's coming out here is because Alvo is so shit. It's attacked the government. And just to go, hey, you know, mate, during a housing crisis, maybe she's got the military on housing. Well, actually. And now he's got the military. This is it. Troy Bramston from the Australian, actually, on the moment of his arrival, published on Twitter. A handwritten note here

That Prince Charles wrote to Sir John Kerr After the dismissal Which I hadn't seen before Saying what? Saying what? Saying what? What you did last year was right And the courageous thing to do

Yes And most Australians Isn't it? Yes, exactly seem to endorse your decision When it came to the point Please give Lady Kerr my best regards Yes

Most sincerely Charles So he was actively interfering In the affairs of state Well, just, you know Like he's not a Democrat Like, he's a Republican, he's a monarchist. Like, it's... I love that you pivoted to the US there.

Okay, so... But you know what I mean? Like, of course, he believes in having the thumb on the reins of... I think that that's what's going on here. I think, I wouldn't be surprised. I'm just laying it out there. I would not be surprised, but by the time you hear this... Albows out.

Albows out because of another dismissal. Dismissal, too. And would this dismissal have been masterminded by a coalition kind of mastermind a sort of Malcolm Fraser or by Labor. I'm pretty sure. You think Labor would just be going. Tony Burke. Jim Trump.

Alba, you know that retirement? We got your retirement house present. You move in tomorrow. And also, because you know how everyone loves Sam Moster and like she can do no bad? No, I reckon she's at the head. The Prime Minister. She's the John Kerr.

You know, the Governor General. I know, but I'm saying she is she coming in as Prime Minister and Governor General. No, no. I'm just saying She's a good face of it Unlike her who was out of touch drunkard Yeah, she's like Oh, if Sam thinks it's all right

Yeah, exactly Like I think the rest of the She is quite impressive I've seen her speak Yeah I interviewed her you know Oh really? I did

Yeah yeah yeah Before she was coming in general I mean you know She was I interviewed both Albo and and Sam Moston Just when they were much less relevant they aren't out

That's the sort of career I had Sort of friend of the show Yeah kind of Well this is very interesting So swirling conspiracy theory It's not what we like at the Chase to Report

very well-founded Charles conspiracy theories about the end of everything. Sorry, research. Pre-reporting the news. The final thing I want to talk about is what happened on Sunday. So they did a bunch of and I was going to tell you why he's here, the real reason why he's here. Oh, yes. So two things. On Sunday, so this morning as we record, obviously it's 4 a.m. But, you know, we're still up to bring you this. What happened was they went to church

and they went to church in North Sydney. In fact, very near where I grew up, They went to the local church where I was a kid. I was a kid. My school used to go there quite inappropriately once a year. Anglican church. Oh, England. Of course, yeah. In North Sydney.

I think he's an Anglican, what with being the head of England church and all that. And a lot of pro-Palestinian protesters actually line the route and shouted and when we got in his face a bit about everything. And I must say, it was just occurring to me. You know, if you were a pro-Palestinian protester, is like you're pitching to the one. one guy who is not actually

supposed to be able to do anything. But also, isn't the whole point that you're basically saying you don't want colonialism. That's the other thing I was going to say. Yeah, that's right. Coalism is bad. The chief coloniser of Australia. People should not invade other countries.

It's really wrong. And if they do, they definitely shouldn't kill people who they find there. People should not cross borders and kill people. Yes. Yeah. And Charles was getting this message. That's right.

And then here's the thing. Yeah, let's say that Charles heard their plays and said, oh, colonialism. Actually, it's terrible. That's an awful mistake. Very rude of us. We shouldn't have done that. And try us to do something. Yes, then...

It would be completely improper. He's the one person in the world who is actually not supposed to get involved in solving the Middle East. Like anybody else who could do anything to resolve the situation. But Charles, his one job is to shut the fuck up. Like, that's literally, he's paid all this money and he gets it in a palace to not affect politics at all. But also, don't you think that just from a strategic perspective, the pro-Palestinian protesters probably overestimated the level of interest the Australians have in the tour.

In the toilet. They thought we'd be the only one's there. This is like, oh, this will be a media event. Let's insert ourselves there. They'll go for the cameras. Oh, how foolish. Oh, hang on. There's one person here.

And what would Charles... All the state premiers would be... That's right. And what would Charles do? Charles would send, what, homeopathic medicine to help in Gaza? Or that said they do need water, which is what homeopathic medicine is. Yeah, well. Anyway, so yeah, that was an unfortunate moment.

But to get to who, I think Charles quite sincerely, the reason that got him to come on the trip, he's actually quite sick. And the person he's set to meet, I think, either tomorrow... Anyway, at some point before he leaves, he's going to sit down with the Australian of the year. One of the two Australians of the year. Oh, Dylan Alcott? No. Professor Richard Scolia. Now, Professor Richard Scolia, you remember this?

It's a really amazing story. This is the guy who has done incredible groundbreaking research on melanoma. Oh. where they worked at basically a kind of immunotherapy-based treatment, really revolutionary treatment for melanoma, which actually works and which customises the treatment somehow based on your own DNA. So amazing stuff. And then Richard Scalia, as people will recall, got a brain tumour himself was supposed to die almost immediately.

And then he used his own technique. That theory on himself, yes. Now, no one knows what is wrong with King Charles. We've had no information about what his form of cancer is. Yes. That's. Richard Scholar was the first person in the world to get immunotherapy before surgery. And he got a person, this is the fascinating thing, a personalised cancer vaccine.

So what I think they'd do is a bit like the MRNA vaccines for COVID. They actually do the signature of the, of the tumour. Yeah. So if I were Charles and I had cancer, I'd be going, yeah, I'd definitely want to visit Australia as part of my economy. Like where the first place he's visiting is. Yes. Right? And he was going to go to Melbourne.

No, no. He was going to go to New Zealand. Canceled that. Yeah. But the one place he's going is to meet with the Australian of the year and possibly visit the lab, Charles. The lab where they turn your DNA into a personalised cancer vaccine. Okay. So, Dom, you always accuse me of having conspiracy theories.

But that is, I believe that. I believe, not only do I believe that. No one's reporting it, Charles. But also, I think that that is great. And I'm sure that King Charles will therefore support the idea that everyone who has cancer, which is a lot of people, should just be able to go and get personalised vaccines for their cancer from anywhere in the world with a taxpayer-funded trip to the offices of the Australian of the Year guy. Well, it's important to note, Charles, that we provided the plane to get him here.

Oh yeah, sorry, it's a jet start No, but it's all sincerity The Australian taxpayer pays for this trip Because he's our king It's not very clear on that It's sort of Medicare for the king That's right As an Australian citizen

Because he's the king He gets Medicare Is it a bulk build or does he have to pay the cat How does it work? Our gear is from ourselves And we're part of the iconoclast network We are part of the iconic class network Long live the king, apparently

Based on this theory I think he's going to be back We'll see Well, it might be more treatment from the... That's definitely why Alba needs the other property. So he doesn't have to be in town all the time. You've learnt so much for this episode today, haven't you?