The Chaser Report - Splendour On Your Arse | Nina Oyama

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

We promote 2021's finest music festival and get an unauthorised sneak peek at Craig's new quiz show 'Win The Week' courtesy of Nina Oyama. Plus, Rebecca De Unamuno reads our finest made-up news, and Charles and Dom experiment with including... real news. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Welcome to The Chaser Report the day after we all learned that Melbourne's lockdown is extending by seven days or more really terrible news, Melbourne. Poor Melbourne. But Melbourne, you got this. We're all in this together, remember? So you just hang in there. Charles, you might want to rethink that. Have you not heard that it's potentially crossed the border that someone made it in New South Wales and may have exposed 200 odd people. So COVID could be here on the loose in Sydney as we speak. No. That's a disaster. Oh, well, we haven't got it at all. This is terrible. We've got to do

something about it. We're going to get the vaccines working properly. Don't worry. It could affect the sharkies, so I think Schoemann might actually leave into action. If it affects the Sharkey's, then it's all over. It'll be in action. on the show today after Charles comes down. Nina Ryama's going to join us to talk about 20-year-old something. Oh, plus she was on Craig's new show. I'm fascinated to find out whether it was any good. Let's ask her about that.

And Craig is into, actually, he's helping me with a bit of a bet that I've stuffed up with my neighbour. So that'll be interesting. And also, we've got Rebecca Dana-Muno, who's got some amazingly good Chasing News headlines this morning. Yes, or at least the latest Chaser News headlines. Let's go to her now in the Chaser in National Newsroom. The Prime Minister has suggested that Victorians in lockdown who are suffering should just use their parliamentary entitlements to pay their rent. Mr Morrison said it was a no-brainer because that method had always worked for him.

Channel 9 has denied having a lack of diversity in their recent Get the Shot campaign stating they have white people as well as well-known diverse person of colour Carl Stefanovic. Minister for Health, Greg Hunt, has today received. responded to Melbourne's COVID outbreak by stating he really wished there was some way to prevent people from getting COVID. Mr Hunt said if only there was some sort of injection they could give unvaccinated people that would boost people's immunity against the deadly virus. He called on scientists to start work immediately on the idea. That's the latest news you really shouldn't trust for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by

Adelaide Tourism, giving Melbourne COVID so we look better. The Chaser Report presents the actual news. Caution may be accidentally informative. Charles, we've got some feedback from a listener that maybe putting some more actual news stories in the podcast might be helpful. As useful as the updates on your life have been. Yeah, yeah. So we're going to actually, each morning, we're going to try running through a few stories that

that are in the news, so that you, I suppose it's so that people who want to actually find out about what's happening in the world can also listen to this podcast. Yes, so we're changing our fake news model with a little bit of real news. Yes, yes. Scott Morrison has handpicked. Does it have to be boring or can it also be funny? I'm hoping that we can make it entertaining. Oh, okay, let's try.

Well, let's find out. Okay, let's see. Scott Morrison hired someone to specifically review hotel quarantine and sort it all out. Her name's Jane Holton, and she's come out and criticise Scott Morrison for stuffing up hotel quarantine and the vaccine rollout. It's almost like she doesn't quite understand what the role was for. Presumably his whole thing was, oh, I know, we'll give it to somebody and then we can just blame her. Yeah. And instead, she's immediately stood up and said, oh, well, actually, you know, who's to blame?

I've looked into it. It's Scott Morrison. Yeah, she was supposed to immunise him from criticism, but it hasn't worked. that at all. Oh dear. Has she given Cartier watches to anyone? Because if she is, she's out the door. Well, she said that the time for talking is over, so I expect you'll be out of a job by the end of the day. Yeah, definitely. Oh, and next story, yeah, our brilliant military hero, Ben Robert Smith. Yeah. His trial for war crimes is going to be held offline over national security concerns. Gosh, it would be embarrassing if the details of that got out.

I wonder why they're holding it offline. But don't worry, Charles, all the footage will be available later on in a USB stick that's buried in his back garden. Just dig it up. Yeah, it'll be fine. That's why they call them diggers. Okay. And finally, the World Health Organization

has a new naming system for COVID variants. Because you know how everyone's saying, oh, it's the Kent one or the India one or whatever. Yeah, the China virus. Could be, you know, a bit racist. A little bit racist. So it's come up with an even worse system. They're all going to be named Greek letters to the alphabet,

like alpha beta. I can't actually remember any more Greek letters of the alphabet. Well, I do like. the policy of deciding, let's just blame the Greeks for all of these. They've now completely shifted blame to the Greeks. To the Greeks, yeah. But what other systems could we use? And I was thinking maybe name them after the world leader who fucked up in each case.

So the Maudy variant, the Boris Johnson variant, the Trump variant, the other Trump variant. I suppose Australia hasn't had enough to have its own variance. But we're working on it. We are working on it. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by Melbourne lockdown. one week and get one free. Craig's flawless solutions. Caution might contain flaws.

Now Craig's dropped in because I just want to tell you guys about a little bit that I've got going with a neighbour of mine and what a disaster it's become. Gambling is bad people. Yeah, look, it's relatively low stakes. So this is not a thing of

I'm going to be destitute, but it is going very bad. Wait a minute. So what I've done is I've just set it up so that the stakes are really low in this story. It's good. It's good. The stakes are low.

I'm really listing. It's got to, I'm on edge. It is a little bit macabre, so I just don't want to. We have this bet going about which business is going to die next on our main street, right? Oh, yes. Because we've got a big shopping centre at one end of our street. Yeah.

And it just kills all the local businesses. And it's quite fun to go, oh, those shop owners that have been there for 35 years, they're out the door. The corner that's nearest to the shopping centre entrance from the main street is just always dead. There's been 20 businesses in that time since we've lived in the area. Including, I won't remember when it was a Scottish cap-up-head. That was a Scottish. That was never going to work. Yeah, it's great.

He's going, well, what do we know the Scots for, lovely people? Culinary fare, maybe not. Someone went, what's the one thing that's should? Something said that won't have a Scottish cafe. And it's bizarre that there are not, like, Scottish-themed pubs because that's the other thing they're great out. The Irish got in really early, and everyone's like, we don't need a pub.

You can't, a Scottish pub is too depressing. I mean, I'm Scottish. I know this. It's just people in the corner drinking whiskey going, oh, and fucking socks. They were exactly like dom. Yeah. Anyway, so I, so the last bet that we had was a few months ago

I lost it, which was, So I'm 100 bucks down at the moment Because my favourite barber Which is just up the top of my street Hang on Brilliant Iranian guy Hang on There's an obvious

There's an obvious Well not anymore Because he went broke Yes Because he went broke So I bet for him Because he was like a really good barber And he went broke

You were his one customer And your hair loss Is now at a point Where you were never in there Yeah He's true I didn't really need to go Anyway, so there's now this new cafe

Which is in another death spot Which is, I don't know whether you remember But it used to be a subway for a few years Sort of in the middle of the street That was just before they hired the Pito guy To promote the subway But before that it had been a convenience store It'd been a shoe shop

It'd been a herbal crystals shop for a while A wait a herbal crystal shop No they sort of A Herbs and crystals Herbs and crystals. I was kind of thinking of what herbal crystal. This is the next level. Yeah, you can smoke the crystals.

You can imagine how much that would go great on Instagram. Anyway, they've now set up a new coffee shop there, right? And we've been watching it for months. So hang on a second. I imagine this inner city suburb you live in needs more coffee shops. I imagine there are none now. Like to go, oh, what does this place need? A 50th coffee shop.

Yeah, there's at least 50. Anyway, but they've done a really expensive fit out for it as well. They've put in new ovens. I reckon they're at least 80 grams. down and there's no seating it's just oh do you get to choose do you get to choose which one you back so you and your neighbor yeah yeah like can you go i'm betting on this cafe next yeah yeah it's by right you go oh i just notice a cafe opening up i reckon it's going to so you've got to get in first yeah you got to get in first have you got in first i said

hundred bucks a first right hundred bucks that is definitely going down within 12 months right okay so yesterday i went there for the first time it's just i The first problem with your approach is you frequent the places that you're saying, I guess. No, but the worse, it gets worse, which is it has the greatest food ever made in any shop on my mainstream. Genius. Genius. And again, well done on doing their research after you've made a bet. No, this is a thing.

So it's got this bacon and cheese and shallots roll. And they've got like six different products. They're all about $100 million each. Like literally it was $12 for basically a bun, a cheese and bacon bun. And I willingly paid it. Then this morning I had a chocolate ricotta infused doughnut. He went back another day. They are amazing.

There's an obvious solution to this situation, Charles. Yeah. The business that all of us own, the chaser, is located on that street. That's clearly the next one to go bust. You idiot. How did you not put the money on this going on? busts. Specifically the daily podcast.

Have you ever come in here and got anything good? You can get out your plastic again. Because Craig's gone. The chases wore on everything. Shit, wrong one. Our very good friend, Nina Ayama, she was a co-host with us last year. She's back this year for a cameo because she's been doing much more interesting things. Hey, Nina.

Hello. So what have you been up to? Um, good question. Actually, I can't legally talk about it. It's a big, it's a big secret. No, I'm kidding. I've been working on Australia talk. Does this involve dressing up as a mascot?

Because I saw your very, very good live comedy show recently, which other people should see as you tour around the country. By the way, and quite a lot of it involves humiliation while dressed up as a mascot at the ABC. Yeah, unfortunately, I don't get to dress up as a mascot. I've been writing some jokes for the debates, which is fun. So I have to write jokes about statistics. So wait a minute. You chose to leave the chaser to go and write jokes about statistics.

That was a better option to you. Yeah, you weren't quite boring enough. You know, I was like, what is the most dry thing I can find? I know, statistics. I'm actually thinking of quitting this job and becoming an accountant, maybe. Well, speaking of which, I presume that the main statistic was the hourly rate of pay. But the other thing that you did, because I saw a pilot recording of it last night and you were in it, was Craig's new game show, Win the Week?

Yeah, with Alex Lee hosting. He's been talking it up on our show. He's been cross-promoting it. So in the interest of ABC balance, we now need you to spill the dirt and potentially undermine what Craig's doing. Can you do that? Oh, of course.

I mean, I was only hired to be on the pilot, which I found out on the day, doesn't even go to air. Yeah, yeah. Because I noticed on the rolling credits, it was Andrew Denton was in your place. She can't let Andrew Denton near a panel show. Yeah.

We all remember rambling. Randling, such a current reference. It was called Win the Decade. You guys would be all over this. Win the 20 years, maybe. Now, but Nina, I have to talk to you about something that happened during the recording last night, right? Yeah. Which is that Craig had a very easy clue, right?

He was in the picture round. And there was a picture of, was it 10 tenths. And the 10th one was circled. And then there was the Yahoo logo, right? And he kept on saying 10, 10, 10 net, 10 net Yahoo, 10 net Yahoo, and he couldn't get it. And there's been a huge debate in the office all day about whether, and all last night, which was, is Craig that dumb? Like, what happened? I don't know.

There were times where I just thought that he was throwing it because he's the EP and it would be a bit too stuff for him to win. Right. That's my theory. But that said, I know he wasn't in. any of the discussions about bloody, you know, whatever the questions were because he kept coming to Australia talk, which is on the same level, and bothering everyone there the whole day. So he wasn't there. So he was well briefed on the stats that are about to be released, but not the actual game.

So what you're saying, what we're going to work out is whether Craig is incredibly dumb and doesn't know who Benjamin Netanyahu is, or he's unethical and he's cheating. And this sounds genuinely quite embarrassing. Like, I feel bad for Craig, which is, it's a new feeling for me after working with him for 22 years. Okay, so, so essentially, well, so you, but you're allowed to just spill the beans on Craig, aren't you, and insult him because you're not even employed in the real child. Yeah, they haven't brought you back. Yeah. They've got dented instead of a yam, a terrible mistake.

Well, there's still, there's still hope for me. They said they, they did say that they would bring me on for the real show. I want it on a very, very early episode of Q&A, and they dangled in front of me. Oh, yeah, we'll get you back one day, we'll get you back one day. I have never been back in the last 10 years. So do you think it's going to be good? I mean, I'm really hoping, because I like quiz shows. I'm hoping it will actually be entertaining.

Yeah, I think it'll be good. I know I'm first to come here and be really mean about it. But I still want to get on the main show. So I am going to be, it's nothing but a fun time. But look, if it's a show where I get to watch Craig losing every week, I am so there. I will say Craig, Craig did win. He actually won. Oh, damn.

He always wins everything in his whole life. He won because he glommed on to Jackie, who was one of the contestants, who was actually like a trivia genius. So you're saying that Craig winged it and he ended up looking really, really good because of the skill of others. Is that familiar yet, child? I came last. Oh, you came last? I was only a pilot.

Yeah, that's all right. That'll ask you back. All right, thanks, Nina. Thanks, guys. Are you missing getting shit-faced in a field? From the producers of Splendor in the Grass comes a new at-home music festival experience. Splendor on your ass.

Experience the world's biggest musical acts from the comfort of your own couch. Simply take a whole lot of drugs, sit on the couch, and loudly stream our show to the annoyance of your housemate. Shut up! Chill, man. I'm just trying to ride the vibe.

Why did you set up a tent in the living room? Oh, because you said I couldn't hotbox your bedroom. And what's that stranger pissing in the kitchen sink for? That's Gary. I just met him at Flume. Why is there a stiffer dog in the bathroom? Oh, shit, better get shelving now. Splendor on your ass.

Just like the real thing, except you don't get to go. That's it for today's Shasta Report. Although, Charles, we never did establish what the Charles Firth variant of COVID-19 would make you do? Well, I think it would just make you be very funny, would he charming? And lose lots of money on terrible merchandise. Oh, yeah, no. No, the Charles variant would make you have to poo a lot,

and then I'd be able to sell all the bloody toilet paper that I've got, all the stockpiles of Chaser toilet paper. Still available at chasershop.com, by the way. You can get news anytimechaser.com. You follow us on all the social platforms, and we're going to beg you once more for a five-star review on Apple. podcast. There have been some very nice ones. Yes. I think that they must be joking. Oh no, but did you see on the Hamish and Andy podcast? Yes. Thanks to the people who wrote the reviews on

their saying they needed more Dom and Charles. I'm sure they're very confused about who we are. More tomorrow. Our gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACAST creator network. See ya.