The Chaser Report - Starting 2025 With A Bang

Episode Date: February 2, 2025

Dom Knight and Charles Firth are BACK for 2025! Find out why Charles thinks DEI is to blame for his absences, and why Dom has good news from the cosmos. Watch OPTICS on ABC iview here:https://iview.abc.net.au/show/opticsCheck out more Chaser headlines here:https://www.instagram.com/chaserwar/?hl=enFind hot singles in your area:https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome for another year to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I am so surprised you're here. Yes. To be honest, after the massive success of your series optics, I'm not even joking. It's frankly, really annoying how universally acclaimed this was. Just last night, a friend of mine said,

it's so good I had to binge all of it and I said are the other episodes as good as the first one which is the only one that I've seen yes it's really good so let's just take some ads for a moment and just contemplate how unbearable I'm going to bearable you already are

but also we have a new approach to the podcast in a time of challenges and of bad news such as Charles being very successful we're focusing on the positive stories the uplifting stuff we're not going to do just story after story of misery and Trump We can't take it anymore.

No, we're going to approach this year completely differently and just only do good news. So just take a second to celebrate Charles' success during the ads. But that's the only piece of bad news we're going to... If you can bear to indulge that. You probably know Optics is a new series about Crisis PR. It has Charles and Vic and Jenna, at least two of whom are very funny and the next wave of Australian comedy. But Charles, Charles, you're playing a part, though. I must say that you really inhabit it so well, the washed-up, deluded man.

Yeah, it's a famous, it's a comedy trio. It's a, like, it's a famous dynamic that works really well. Yeah, you're basically the Australian David Brent. Yeah, and actually, the terrible thing is, like, old friends will bump into it. Like, people who haven't seen in a while, you know, like, people from your kids' school and stuff like that, and they'll bum into you, and you say, they'll say, oh, you're so like Ian. Really? Yes. You're going, that's not very, that's not very nice.

As in, but they know you play, because I'm imagining that at some point people are going to come up to you and go, you look so like that guy from opt, you know, that really a diluted one. The asshole from Optic. So, yeah, I can't wait to find out what his character genius. Anyway, look, I can't bear to talk about your huge success.

And we haven't even discussed your, like, live stage stuff, which is why you were absent from the podcast. Oh, it was so much last year. And I do, I sort of, I do apologize for being, just ghosting you in the last couple of months of, year. Well, I got to speak to lots of experts on US politics, which was very dry, but they were funnier than you.

And also, I don't know whether you noticed in the ratings, but I listened to all those episodes. Like, they were really great. They weren't bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's disappointing to some probably that we've returned to the duo format for 2025. But I do have a bit of an excuse. Like, I do have a reason for why that happened.

And what it is, is I blame diversity, Dom. Wow. Yeah, so you're really getting on board. DEI is the problem. Yeah, DEI was the problem. There was just, there's just too much diversity, and I just couldn't face it anymore. I mean, when you survey, when you survey the way the world is now in 2025, when you survey who runs the world, who's in charge, who the leaders are, you know,

who the billionaires are, Charles, the CEOs of these big tech companies that have far more power now than nation states, I think you can say. What we notice is that the age of the white man is finished. they're not running any of these things. Oh, I know. Oh, it's so, oh, exactly. Just all the Mexicans running everything. They just run everything. Not anymore, Charles. Because as of today, as we're recording this, Donald Trump's imposed a 25% tariff on Mexico and on Canada. Oh, I haven't seen them. A 10% tariff on China. He's going ahead with this. And as Matt Bevan points out in the last episode of if you're listening, it's not clear that he understands what tariffs do, Charles. It's not clear that he realizes that, no, it's not. that Mexico pays you 25% whenever an imported good comes in.

It's actually the consumers who voted for Donald Trump, whose prices will go sharp apple. We'll see how that works. Yeah, look, but we said that we weren't going to talk about negative Trumpy things. No, no, it's good. The tariffs are great because they'll fix the US economy, Charles. That's what Donald Trump says. It'll sort out the national debt,

and they'll stop sending migrants and fentanyl across the border. The only hesitation I have with that analysis, Dom, is that, like, I kind of feel like the economists who are complaining about Trump's tariffs are also the same economists who say that the economy's actually going really well, even though 60% of people have gone backwards intergenerationally in the last 30 years. So I kind of feel like they can shut the fuck up about what's going to happen with tariffs, because what Trump understands and no economist understands is that actually it's about power. Like the tariffs aren't about economics.

They're about the US turning every other state into a satellite state and subjugating every other state to them, right? So it's about punishment and power. It's not about economics. No, of course. Because it's not going to do. I mean, he's not using it in the way that economists use it. He's using it as a fuck you to those countries.

And so the bean counters who go, oh, well, it can't possibly work. And it's because you're fucking fucktards who think that the economy is going all right at the moment. And nobody, nobody who actually has a mortgage or needs to buy bread or milk or, for fuck's sake, eggs. Eggs, yeah, eggs aren't a thing. We should, we can't get used to eggs anymore. Thinks the economy's going right. Like, like, the problem is that, the problem is that, uh, we should just. I'm detecting negativity, Charles.

Yeah, exactly. We're going to stop talking about this stuff. The new 2025 reboot, uh, has finished. I'll tell you what, you know what? I thought you said you got some good news. I do. I've got some wonderful astronomy news. Oh, great.

No, this is Trump. Much better. We haven't even said the words Australian politics yet, and I'm glad that I... Well, I was going to say, I reckon Dutton's about to run a huge anti-Mexican campaign. Well, he does seem to be following the Trump playbook somewhat. He's going to crack down on DEI. He's going to call for a boycott on Guzman and Gomies. We'll see.

So, Charles, yes, in the all-new, all-positive 20-25 Chase Report. Yeah. Scientists have a fantastic opportunity. to study an asteroid up close. Oh, that's good. That is good news. It's called YR4. And the great news about it is that it's more likely that it will miss Earth than hit Earth.

Terry, like how much? It's 100 metres wide. It's coming at very, very high speed. And apparently it's got something like I see here, eight megatons of energy, which is 500 times more than the Hiroshima. from a bomb, and there's a one in, only one in 83 chance that it will hit the earth, as we currently understand it.

So basically, so, like, so you know how when it says there's an 83% chance of rain, it's definitely going to rain. Yeah. And then if there's, if there's an 83% chance of it not raining, it's definitely going to rain. Yeah. Um, does that mean, we're doomed? We're doomed.

That is good news. That's very good news. No, we're not doomed. It's a 1.3% chance. One point three percent. They're not a good chance. You don't say to your kid, oh, go out on that road. There's only a 1.3% chance of you dying.

Charles, think if it is a learning experience, right? If this thing kills us all, we will have learnt so much about asteroids before it does. For instance, I have learnt just through the news coverage of this, Charles, is we have a thing called the Torino Impact Hazard Scale. And it goes from 0 to 10. 10 is it will destroy the entire planet. Right. Basically, it's game over.

It's game over. We're completely done for. This is only a three, which means it will potentially destroy a large part of the planet. It might destroy a city, but it probably won't destroy all life. And while it arrives, we'll have every chance to just sort of understand asteroids more closely, check it out. All the kids in school will learn about science. Is it the sort of thing that the researchers could, like, research targeting a specific city? Like, is it possible?

Yes, it absolutely will. And we'll understand, as it gets closer, we'll get a better sense of the trajectory. Yeah, right. So, and they could give it a nudge or something like that. Well, this is the thing. Basically, the bidding's open now. Yeah. So my understanding is that on the current trajectory, and this is the good news.

Yeah, it'll hit the other side of the planet. So it won't hit Australia. So we're the best place to be. Just to give you a bit of a sense of the comparison. Well, I don't see any downside in this. Yeah, yeah. So this is about 100 metres wide. It can create catastrophic damage, it says, in The Guardian, on the city scale.

So it could be very bad luck for one particular city. But the asteroid that basically killed the dinosaurs, we think, was 10 to 15 kilometres wide. Right. So this is a nothing burger. I mean, not a few in the place where it impacts. Right. But the great news is it might contain metal. So it's an opportunity for mining.

So actually... This is the great... It could be a fantastic... She'd send Gina Reinhard up in a rocket. I think it's entirely possible. Someone will go up and try and mine this thing. Clive Palmer, the Titanic 3. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers.

The other thing that's really great, and I'm not making this up, is there's an international asteroid warning network that's swung into action. But also, the UN endorsed, did you know this exist? The Space Mission Planning Advisory Group has been alerted. And apparently global planetary defense systems are now in operation. Wow. Okay. Because I thought the whole problem with planning for planetary defense is that no country, like the problem with planning is that if you say build like the world's biggest fuck-off bomb and you go, oh, I'm just planning for planetary defense.

It's nothing to do. Like other countries get suspicious. And that actually hamper's planetary defense. Well, the great news, Charles, is that this process is being coordinated by the UN. And if there's a serious existential threat, we know the UN are the ones to consult. They'll pass a resolution. They will, which will be vetoed by the Security Council. Of course, let's be very clear.

There's no way Vladimir Putin's endorsing that statement. You know, the disappointing thing is that Bruce Willis has dementia now. He's not well. Which means that if we do need a plucky group of engineers in mines to send up to drill the, The asteroid. It'll have to be, who would it be Liam Hensworth? Who would do it now?

Yeah, you get the Hemsworths, I think. You get involved. Both of them? All three. There's a third one, too. Oh, is that Zepo? Zepo Hensworth. Carabry's first name.

Yeah, there's a third one. Billy. Billy Hemsworth? Billy Hemsworth. We could get the Henswes and the Baldwin. Yeah, of course. That'll do it. Just give, um, just give Alec Baldwin like a prop missile that's supposed to be unloaded and he'll

destroy it. But in all sincerity, what they might do, apparently if this thing is actually going to impact Earth, do you remember that DART mission a few years ago where they fired it, where they fired a spacecraft that it's some sort of body in space? Yeah, and it sort of nudged. Yeah, it was like billiards, right? Yeah, yeah.

And they may well do that. Yeah, and so it might, that was a rehearsal for this sort of situation. Right. So they may well just be able to fire something at it and nudge it out of the way. Or they might nudge it into Australia. Isn't that the whole problem with those things is like, you know, well, in the movie, it will always be the thing that saves it is the stuff that catastrophically stuffs it up.

And also, I kind of think, isn't the whole point about the American education system that they're sort of failing at basic skills like maths and things like that? Yeah, that's before the Trump administration. And also, you know what will happen? They'll send it up and the Americans will be talking in feet and inches.

Yes, that's what it will be. The Europeans and the Chinese, and the rest of the world will be thinking they're talking in metres and centimetres. And it'll be a complete catastrophe. That's exactly what will happen. So, okay, but I've got more good astronomical news just before we go. Oh, great, okay.

So that's, so the asteroid may hit us. That's generally good news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That we may all die. Now, how long till we die? 232, we've got a bit of time. You can make more series of optics. Yeah, we could sort of cash in.

I suppose that's what the world's billionaires are already doing, aren't they? They're living life. We've only got about 10 years there. It'll be roughly at the start of the fourth Trump administration, if my master's correct. Towards the end of the third, yeah. I know, but that means we miss out on Brisbane 32 Olympics. Oh, I hope it's late in the year. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I think the whole world will want to rally around to make sure that Brisbane 32 goes ahead. You make a very good point. I mean, basically, you just say at the start of the opening ceremony, stop the asteroid, whichever he does it, gets the gold medal. No, great news. Really good news, Charles. Unless you like Christmas, 22nd of December, 232 is the day. Oh, perfect.

So it'll be, we don't have to do Christmas shopping there. Okay, so just briefly, before we go, the good news, the other good news, is that astronomers have crunched two decades of sort of planet hunting data. You know how they're searching for planets that are suitable for life? They found one. It's called HD 20794D. They give them good names. They do.

Very catchy. Yeah, very catchy. And apparently it is the best candidate so far for what they call the Goldilocks zone. It's not too hot, not too cold. It's close to, it's a habitable zone of a star similar to our sun. So the great news is, if our earth is done, there's another earth that we've discovered out there. And how many light years away is it? It is 20 light years away.

So we would need to figure out how to travel faster than the speed of light. Well, I must say, I think we should be all saying to Elon Musk, mate, if you want to make it before you die, you need to get on the spaceship right now. Arguably, Charles. He's wasting a little bit of time. On Doge and on social media, he should be focusing his time on fixing this. And also, isn't the whole point that if, the way space travel works is if he travels at speeds close to the speed of light, it'll be much less time to him than to us. Like, we'll look at it and go, oh, it took 20 years. But actually, for him, it'll be like five minutes.

Yeah, five minutes. You'd probably de-age him. If there's a black hole. It's a win-win, isn't it? Because either Elon manages to save humanity and figures out, I don't know, Some incredible SpaceX speed of light rocket. Well, we never see him again. Either way.

Either way. Elon, this is your chance. Yeah, this is his chance. So there you go. If this Earth is doomed, and I think on the balance of probability, it probably is. There's another one ready to go. If we can just figure out, we can just figure out how to get there 20 light years away before this planet ends. It's really the race against the clock at this point.

Good. Okay. Well, so we're going to keep going this year. We're going to do it daily? I think we are. Yeah, we should. People say they're like a daily. We had a meeting about it and committed to that.

We did. People say they like getting the podcast daily. So if you wanted to send podcast at chaser.com. You now's the chance. It's been a bit of a longer one today, but we've barely seen each other, Charles. It's been a bit of catching up to do. It's actually been dead on 15 minutes.

And, oh, right. It just felt like a long time. Which means that Charles, I did want to tell you how much I liked optics, but we're out of time. It is actually good You should genuinely check it out And we plug a lot of stuff

That Charles does That frankly is ropy No, that's not true avocado pool toys But this is not only free But a genuine success And if you want to see it Well, I think you should see it

ABC TV 830 on Wednesdays Or I view anytime you can binge it The whole thing is bingeable right now So you've only got until 2032 To watch optics So get on that We're part of the Icona class network and this is handcrafted by producer Lachlan.

See ya.