The Chaser Report - Stupidest Stories of All Time

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

In this episode of stupid, Zoe talks about her cat, Charles talks about his greatest triumph. If you're worried that you're a bit stupid, consider taking the Chaser IQ Test. Details are available at the end of the episode. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with all the latest, greatest improvised news. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Welcome to The Chaser Report. We have Nina Ayanna, Doe Notton Lodge, Charles Firth and me, Dom Knight. Plus, as we've done for the last four episodes, which may or may not have been, pre-recorded. We've had Rebecca Dina,

Amuno, improvising news headlines, because given that we're pre-recording, we don't know what's going to happen. However, we throw random things at her, and she just, in less than a second, amazingly, begins talking and comes up with something good. But it's just, she just makes it up. It's not, I mean, it's not that amazing. It's just like, you already have given her the offer.

You're aware that Beck was like the world champion of improvising, literally. You're aware of Beck's right there. Like, she can hear you. Like, we are literally. sharing a microphone and this is how you treat me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, say no more, Charles. I have much more important things to do, right in the bathroom right now. So, why don't you just take over and you do it?

I just wonder, Beck, maybe you've got some offers. Oh, I've got some offers, don't you worry. We'll just sit back and maybe you can come up with some stuff for Charles to do the newsreadlines on. Game on, Ferth, game on. It'll be easy, it'll be easy, come on. Get it, Rebecca. Yeah, what's in the news?

Hello and welcome to Chaser News. Germans. And Germans are around in Sydney at the moment. And you can tell because they've got silly accents because they're German and they walk very silly because they like the sketch in Monty Python. And that's the news. Oh my God. I hate this.

What about a B-grade celebrity embarrassing themselves in public, perhaps on a podcast? And a B-grade celebrity has embarrassed themselves on a podcast. Police say Dominic Knight is the person who embarrassed himself. More news at 7.

I did not see that coming. That was a brilliant twist. That was brilliant. Wait a minute. He's not B-grade. Give him some more. Like, maybe you can help him. You can give him some tips.

I don't know if he's a lost cause. You see what you can do. Okay. So normally I would say, say the first thing that pops into your head, but I've seen your work. So I would say, a little bit of a think about it, just a little bit of a thing or something comes out. So, okay, so throw one up.

We'll do one together, okay? I'll start it and then you finish it. Okay, here we go. So cities around the world are celebrating as Taylor Swift decides not to release an album in 2021. Police say the reason that she decided not to release an album was because she is, she, is instead wanted to go and visit the Middle East. I love that the police got involved straight away.

This is an outrage. This is a crime against music and talent. Fucking white people love police. Hey, Cap, man. I think we're just defunding Charles. Please. Oh, I've heard there's a new rap song on the radio. It's been pretty controversial.

How does that go again, Charles? Oh, you want me to just do an improvised rap. Yeah, that'll be easy. Go on. You keep looking to me as if I'm going to save you. I've heard it's about genitals. That's why it's controversial. I want to make it clear we're not adding in any pauses in the edit.

This is just Charles's brain. Cherty. Okay. So it's about genitals. A rap about genitals. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, um, I don't know how to do this. Fanny is one of the. Okay, okay.

It's a thing that you have in your crutch. It's a thing you call and you do with it much. You can wee, you can poo, you can do lots of things, but you don't do it through. You don't know. Just let's get for a bit. I take me everything I said. Charles is physically dragging Rebecca over to the microphone

Oh my God I'm crying I think what you meant to say was Yo yo you know it is you looking so slick I got a thing within my pants You know I call it a dick And then hey hey look at me I know that you're pussy

Because I'm not gonna talk about a thing And yo it's my pussy So there are two things Hey it's all that's how you'd name the genitals. There you go. Oh my God, drag him. Wait a minute, which one?

Which one was better? Charles, I think it's time to stop speaking. That was some weirdest rap battle I've ever seen in my life. We have to have every week now we have to have a Charles versus Rebecca rap battle. We have to put them back if we need to go back in time. We have to do that. And we also need to film it because the gestures that charge. when rapping are the least rapy thing ever.

No hip-hop. There is not much rhythm and not much flow. It has a lot of blues, though. At least four people are crying in this. What have we got coming up this episode, team? I'd like to talk about my cat. Oh, okay. I'm going to talk about the stupidest things my algorithm wants me to buy.

And I'm going to talk about my greatest triumph ever. and I'm going to talk about the highlight to the Trump presidency, so I don't have a segment this week. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Shitbet. Feeling lucky, then break that lucky streak by losing all your money at shitbet. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. Okay, so guys, I spend like a lot of time on the internet.

I have this theory that like the more time you spend with the internet, like the better it gets to know you. It's like a friendship. Yeah. Good times. I'm friends with the internet. And also I don't have ad blocker. Part of the reason of that is because I don't know how to get it.

But also part of these things I like getting ads because it shows me what the internet thinks I am and like who the internet thinks I am. So I'm just going to do like the three stupidest things the internet has ever thought that I wanted. And I would like you guys to pitch it and say what you think I did to deserve this or what I googled to get this ads. response. So the first thing that I keep getting ads for on Facebook is a game called the train game. It's a card game and the ad description says, the perfect gift for any train

lover. According to its website, the train game is a card game based on the Sydney train network. Wow. The goal is to collect a full hand of train stations from the same line along the journey, expect to run into ticket inspectors and undercover ticket inspectors. My son is going to love this game. Yeah, and it forces you to produce a ticket or pay the fine. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So it's just like real trains. So this is, I feel like it's a fairly easy one,

but why do you think the internet thinks I love this fucking train game? I reckon you googled fair evasion on many occasions before. It thinks that you're a sort of train spotter, doesn't it? So what is it? It must be... Does it think you're like a teenage boy or something? No, I literally think it's because I use the city rail app, whatever. Like I just Google train times

And it just goes Oh, Sydney train I don't think it thinks I'm a nerd The internet would never think I'm a nerd Because I'm so cool Right So that seems like a fairly wide range of people Like anyone who catching a train

Would like the train game A lot of people I'll tell you what I do do this Sometimes to self-sooth I play like Spider Solitaire Online and maybe it's like those cards plus the train Yes it's solitaire plus train game

Definitely yes And Solitaire opens up so many things for the algorithm, like spends time alone. Yes. Doesn't like doing things with other people. Yes. Doesn't that either. We'd probably enjoy a shit game about trains.

Okay, okay. Let's move on to the next one. Doesn't know how to love or be love. Yeah, it doesn't know how to play normal solitaire. It's like spider solitaire. Yeah, because spider solitaire is harder and therefore makes me smarter than if I was actually buying normal solitaire. Sorry, I'm very defensive about this.

Yeah. Let's buy Nina a lovely train game. I play it with four suits, guys. It's like the highest thing. Is train game an online game or a card game? No, it's a card game that you can buy for your friends and family. I've just been, look, Google, this perfect Christmas gift for next year. I mean, for this coming year in 2021 for Angus.

Does he love trains? Yes, and he loves the Sydney train. Really? Yes, and he's memorized all the stops. That's so funny. I know what's happened here is that Angus told me to his phone. And Google train. And it destroyed her algorithm.

Okay, this is my problem with the train game. I've never played it before, but it just sounds like a simulation. of already going on the train, which is not that good an experience. I was on the train this morning. It fucking sucked. But I also think that a card game based on being on a train

is also not a very good experience. They've captured that aspect of it. Maybe it just knows you ride the train a lot and thinks that it would like you to replicate that experience. Well, it's wrong. I am ordering the train game right now. I'm glad that somebody got something out of this segment. So you're over than profiled Charles.

Hey, don't press, don't press buy just yet because maybe you'll want to buy this other thing which is called squishable mini shrimp sushi 17 centimeters from Target I just want to show it to you oh wow my niece would love that I'm going to get that for her birth though just coming up in a few weeks okay so what I'm learning is that my targeted acts think that I'm a child yes um but this is so it's basically it looks like it's like a little plushy of like a nigiri sushi I think that's

what it's called and it's got a little face on it. It's very cute. Um, and I just, my favorite thing about this is the description, which says, shrimp sushi breaks all the rules. For one thing, it's not raw for another. It's technically not even a fish. Yet, those aren't the only subversive facts about this delectable tidbit. Wow. And then that's all it says. It doesn't name the other subversive facts. And they're also about the sushi, not about the it in its plush toy form. Yeah. So it's very odd. I don't actually know what the connection is here. Maybe it's because I used to be a pescatarian and I ate a lot of sushi. I mean, I'm just thinking that that's the worst thing I could buy my daughter because my daughter is about to learn that she's a vegetarian and that

data isn't. And so thereby data eats a lot of the things that she has as cuddly toys. So including that. So like she's got, you know, cuddly chickens and like bunnies and cows and things. and before long she's going to learn. And she loves the aquarium. She loves going to visit the fish in the aquarium. Why don't you just give her a taste for all that meat? Give her meat on the sly when mum's not around. Yeah.

No, don't. Meat's bad for you. Meat is murder. Just kidding. I eat meat all the time. But anyway, I just want to show the other picture of like this weird guy that looks like George Christensen pretending to eat the sushi, which is used on Target's promo website.

No. That's not actually a promo shot, is it? It's a promo shot. This is officially on the Target website. You know, I've just worked out why it targeted you with that ad. Why? Which is that you googled pillow that looks like sushi. Is that what happened?

No, I would never do that. It came to be organically. I don't know. Anyway, it's a mystery. It's a mystery to me. Did you buy it? No, I haven't bought it. I just like, you know what?

I'm going to buy it for my son. I think it's because I'm a rebel and shrimp sushi breaks all the rules. Oh, yeah, obviously. Yeah. So this last targeted ad I got is actually pretty cool. It's a cute little knitted baby blue sweater with a cartoon picture of a panda on it. And it's very cute. But there's some text on the sweater.

And the text reads, I'm going to die lonely. Oh. But it is from the Mark Jacobs collection. So it's designer. Oh, wow. I actually kind of jealous, Nina, because my algorithms are so depressing. So these are two ads that are burned into my, I'll never forget them that I've received recently.

Yeah. One of them was for something called sassy pants. They're like, imagine a pant that's made of like cotton stretch lycra that has a skirt over the top of it. And then it's worn by like a sort of like, I don't know, 50 year old woman and they're like, they're incredibly comfortable. You can wear them with, dress them up, dress them down, the sassy pant. Wait, so you wouldn't wear the sassy pants? I would like, honestly, don't bury me.

me in the sassy pants please nina i never want to see the sassy pants they're my nightmare it's like they've looked into what what my worst nightmare of what somebody would think of me would be and they've put it in my ad and the other one was for um they're called snazzy shoe for wide feet i'm like i've never go i don't even i mean i do actually have kind of wide feet they're not look they're not the narrowest wow wow and do you like snazzy shoes I've never, I actually think that they got it right on the mark, Zoe. I think that, I think you should embrace it. And I think you should embrace sassy pants.

But going back to your jump in it, that just tells me that the internet follows you on Instagram. Well, because I post about being depressed a lot. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to die alone. It's pretty much on brand for your online signer, isn't it? Wow, I didn't think so. I didn't bring the darkness to this. I'm just reflecting your. Okay.

Well, at least my brand is. I don't write about sex. No, I'm just kidding. I'm so sorry. The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Shitbet. I must say, I've been using shitbet for the past few years, and I feel very lucky. I rent a really nice house. Of course, I used to own my house, but thanks to shitbet, I'm now a proud renter. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Nina, do you know about my cat at all? No, not at all. Oh, okay. Would you like to talk a bit about my cat? Yes, please. So I have this really, um, lovely cat. Um, he's a ginger. Um, I just pointed to Charles. Charles isn't my cat, by the way. Or lovely. Yeah, yeah. Um, yeah. Um, yeah, um, yeah, um, my cat's called. My cat's name is, is Ned. Um, and, um, he's been around for,

for ages. He's like seven years old or something. And, um, yeah. Um, and, um, doing, he's doing, he's doing okay now but like um a little while ago um he he got quite quite sick um you know mark mark called me is like i'm going to take um ned to the vet and um you know he just wasn't behaving like himself he was kind of just um you know like seemed a bit disoriented just bit poorly bit spewy bit you know just just not great it wasn't great um anyway um took him to the vet and um you know mark came home and was like they're gonna um you know he's gonna have to stay overnight they're gonna do um they're gonna do an operation on him and um they'll do it'll do it in the night and um they'll they were like do you want us to call if when we when you know we know it's

happened and we're like oh look just wait till the morning but um you know if something terrible's happened or whatever call us in the night we'll answer the phone you know you just use your judgment yeah um and you got to do all those things it's like would you be prepared to pay for this, that or the other. And it's like, you have to decide the value of your cat, like as in, you know, you're like, of course pay for this, but then it gets to a certain number.

I'll settle down. Anyway. We don't love him that much. Yeah, yeah. So we made those decisions. And anyway, it's the middle of the night and we're asleep and the phone rings. And I'm like, oh my gosh, Ned's gone. That's what's going to be.

And Mark answers the phone. And he's like, hello? And the woman says, I'm just, I'm calling about Ned. the vet um and like okay what's wrong is he okay is he make it is he alive what's going to happen and they were like um she said this is what she said i'm just calling to tell you that your cat has the smallest penis i have ever seen and we were like what do you what do you mean and then she followed up and said and said this,

it's less than half the size of the next smallest cat penis I have ever seen. Right? Anyway, I'm not kidding you. It's like four o'clock in the morning. And we're trying to take this information in. And we're like, well, I didn't know. I mean, I hadn't really.

You have to pay extra. Yeah, like, or less. Like, I hadn't really, you know, I guess I hadn't really done a comparative study of my cat's penis versus other cats' penis because I wasn't aware of this. It was news. me um you've never really noticed it before and but we were a bit shocked that um that that

was the reason for the call for the wake up call yeah but you know and i like how she's so sad when she's like she's like i'm so sorry but she's like mid-operations i've got to run out and make this phone call about their cat's tiny knob anyway then she says um you know so we're going to do um you know we're going to do the surgery now but given the um unbelievably small uh science of your cat's penis um you know there's a there's a chance um when we do the surgery we may have to turn ned into a girl cat and i was like like what do you mean and they're like well to correct because he was having a you know issue with that part of the region yeah that um that the easiest thing might be to actually just do a sex change go trans yeah oh that's awesome

Yeah. How progressive. It was, well, yeah, I mean, yeah, I don't know. There's a lot going on. I mean, but anyway. Have you had that conversation with Ned? Yeah, we hadn't had the chat before. That was the difficult thing.

It's a bit of the cat's name was J.K. meowing. Oh, cool. Well, anyway, so, and then after all this, all this farce. Yeah. He keeps his tiny knob and they sorted it out. So it was just this like little brief, like, nightmare. Like, we woke up in the morning. We were like, what the fuck was that?

Anyway, so Ned's still with us. And so is his extremely small penis. So that's a beautiful story. Thanks, Nina. Yeah, I just wanted to share it with you. Do you think, though, in hindsight, that was the small size of the penis relevant to the, it might be easier to actually do the, you know, change of sex?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Had it been larger, there would have been more to work with. Is that the suggestion? Oh, look, I think, look, to be, honest, I'm not actually a vet. So, um, what? Oh, yeah, I've always wanted to not be a vet either.

Yeah. But also, how does Ned identify at this point, do you think? As a cat, I believe. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. My year last year wasn't very good. I had lots of fuck up.

I don't know. We talked to you every single week. It was, um, toilet paper. A car crash in motion. But also, thinking about it, a lot of my life has been full of fuck-ups. Like, you know, I did the bushfire t-shirts. Like, there's some real disasters. I did the bushfires.

Yeah, I lit the wildfires of 2020. So I wanted today to talk about, instead of a project that fucked up, I want to talk about a project that I did years ago that was basically still my greatest triumph ever. Oh. Just looking. Are you going to say something? really lame, like, my child or something.

No, no. And I'm talking about this because Dom is actually part of it. Oh. Sorry, and it was a triumph. It was a play we put on. Oh, God. Called an ideal husband. Oh, we're not going.

Oh, Jesus. So this was in school. Wait, is this when you cast Dom as the ugliest man in the world? No. No, this was another humiliation. Keep going. So we've just done 12th 9. hadn't me?

And you were Malvolia, weren't you? No, I wasn't. I was a far less important character due to my perceived acting challenges, yes. Right. Anyway, it was a great play. It was great fun. The teacher got sacked shortly after we put it on. Oh, why?

Well, I think the principal, correct me from wrongdom, I think the principal just didn't think it had enough Gilbert and Sullivan songs in it to qualify as a proper school production. We usually did sort of Gilbert and Sullivan songs, you know. productions and then we put on 12th night and he went well where are the rollicking jolly songs in this and it was a bit confused and fired a teacher yeah and fire the teacher yeah this is honestly true lovely man we still know but I lived

for drama at that point because it was the only way I got to hang out with girls at all and you still do Charles you still live for drama you're the messiest bitch I've ever met you're all up in everyone's shit trying to get some goss but I said so I said to all the people who are 12th night, basically. It doesn't matter that we don't have a teacher. Let's just put on another play anyway. Right.

And, you know, I think we'd all been reading a bit of Oscar Wilde at that time. You know, those sort of drama. You just wanted to keep hanging out with the girls. Yeah, that's right. That was, it was not untransparent at the time. But instead of picking, because what do you think when you think, Oscar Wilde? Then points of being earnest? Exactly.

Boring. Cleshiate. Everyone does that. because it's his best play, right? It's a great play. Why not put on one of his lesser-known shitter works, such as an ideal husband, right? Which I can't remember anything about this.

It might have been involved in it. Okay, so convinced everyone to put on this play that no one had heard of and wasn't very good. And I hadn't really clocked how important it was to have a teacher to do a play, of school production, right? To direct it, but also to, you know, make sure people rehearsed properly, like, learnt their lines.

So there was so many components, including cutting down the play. So the whole point is, you know, like most of the school old plays are like three hours long. But you always go and see a school production and say, oh, that was a nice 50-minute play. Oh, what a great play that was. That's because some teacher has gone, well, get rid of that slub plot. That or we'll get rid of that subpoor. I had no idea, right? Anyway, so got to the final week just before it was all to go on.

And half the cast hadn't learned their life. Well, actually, I don't think any in the cast. No, we've just been faving around hanging out together. We hadn't edited the play at all. So it was unbearably long. But, you know, it was like, no, we're going to do this. We'll just crunch it, we'll stay back late, we'll actually get it working. And then the main character, do you remember this fell down with the chicken pox,

like with 48 hours to go, tickets already sold, performance is about the thing. He's then quarantined. He's out of the picture, right? And so I, as the sort of putative director slash producer. What do you mean putative? This was a whole, it was a Firth Ho production of an early husband, directed by Charles Firth. There was no modesty in your...

No, it was, yes. Ho was another story. I just feel like you were walking around campus in like a black turtleneck and like a star. He was. He was like, I can direct this thing all over. Oh, God, it's so embarrassing. I don't know whether this is coming through in the story, but... You're the one choosing to tell him.

Okay, so then... So we... So I say, okay, well, I'll... Oh, my stars dropped out. I guess I'll just be the star. I'll just have to... learn all the lines. So I then take two days off school to try and learn all the lines.

So cramming, cramming, cramming the lines. Then so we show up on the first night and I think I've sort of got the lines. I go out first scene and there's no one in the audience. Like literally there's about how many people are in the audience? It would have been like 24 people. I think quite a few parents were like, I don't think so. Because, yeah, that's the other thing. We hadn't advertised it probably because that's what the teacher usually does.

So it's being put onto this really fairly empty hall. I can't believe they let you do it. Oh, my God. It's so embarrassing. And then, and then I start the scene and we go, I have no idea. So I run off stage, grab the script. Oh, my God. And just, and then, oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh. Did you learn anything from this experience? Well, no, no, no. No, because we had to then do it again the following night. It was because it was two nights. We'd sold tickets to both nights. And did you not cut it down?

So did you just do the entire. It just went on to hours and hours of the worst production ever. The producer, Andrew, he died. Did he actually? He literally is dead now. It's actually not funny at all. Wait, after any production. Yes, he died

When you were kids He died a year ago Of push fire smoke You know, it's funny Just cut this out No, but like Hang on, hang on It's like

You know like I love storytelling It's like my favourite thing ever And like this is the most ill-weighted story I've ever heard But if you think that was embarrassing But Dom But Dom you now have to tell them

Your party So Having had a fairly minor Party in 12th night. In 12th night, I think the sea captain that's in love with whatever. Charles and I were good friends. We did this cool newspaper together.

I was the editor, Charles was the star kind of writer. You know, we did all this stuff together. And so Charles says, look, there aren't many roles in this play. So we're not going to cast you in the play. But I've got a concept for a joke that you can do at the start of the show. So I was like, well, you know, there's girls. I want to be part of what's going on. And what Charles got me to do

I was a year younger, I looked up to Charles I wanted to be part of the phone. Wow. Charles scammed you man. What he got me to do... He's still scamming you to this day. What Charles got me to do was to come out before the start of the show

dressed in Shakespearean garb. Complete. Like full on hamlet gear and go if music be the food of love, play on. Off a me excessive minute. That's surfing me appetite, my sick and so die. and then someone goes wrong night and I go no 12th night

and then they go no you're on the wrong night and then I go no Dominic night and that's it that was literally my part well at least you knew your line still yes but the good thing was I don't have to get any rehearsals or be directed by Charles but I yeah that wasn't that wasn't a highlight of my school career Charles

but I still think it was less embarrassing for me me that it was for you. That's like, what's so funny is like, that's actually what I made Nina Oyama do in reputation rehab. She made her tell two really terrible jokes. It's true. I mean, the real question is why that wasn't the last time I worked with Charles. Yeah.

I mean, that's huge. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. The Chaser Report is brought to you by Shitbet. The great thing about shitbed is you don't even need an app. Simply work out how much you'd like. like to lose, then throw that money in the bin. It's just like every other betting service, but more efficient. Shitbet. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report.

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