The Chaser Report - Subwoofer Wars | Sami Shah

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

Gabbi battles a neighbour who's making her lockdown even more agonising with loud dance music, while Sami Shah explores the bizarre appearance of Senator Matt Canavan on former Trump Svengali Steve Bannon's podcast. Plus, Zander goes to the rowing in Tokyo. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by Depression. Hey, buddy, are you doing okay? No. Well, neither are we. Listen to the podcast. We need help. Please. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report.

Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Thursday, the 29th of July 2021. And, Dom, finally, some good news. And I'm not talking about COVID. I'm not talking about Melbourne and Adelaide being out of lockdown. I'm talking about the Olympics. Oh, what great timing, frankly, with this Olympics? It puts a smile on every Australian's face this morning that so far, Australia is coming fifth in the medal tally, which is good, you know, it's good to have lots of medals.

It's good to becoming fifth. That's an intrinsically good thing to happen. But even better than that, New Zealand is doing terribly in the Olympics. And they're coming 37th, and they've only won two medals so far. So we've won 15 medals, New Zealand have won two. We are officially seven and a half times better than New Zealand. Which, when you think about it, just about tracts the population. Oh, shut up about population.

Fuck the per capita measure. It's a fucking stupid measure. I just think what we should do is say to them, look at the scorecard, New Zealand, look at the medal tally. Give us the blood is low cup. It should be ours. I think that's right. If you look at what they've won the medals for, There's dumb sports, rowing and triathlon, whereas we've won it for really good sports,

like swimming, rowing, canoe, slalom, whatever that is, and surfing all the top best sports. The cool sports. Yeah, the cool, trendy sports, whereas New Zealand, uh, triathlon. You wouldn't even want to have a middle in that. Like, oh, wow, I've got a bronze in triathlon. I'm such an amazing triathlete. You know another scorecard I was looking at yesterday, Charles. Yeah.

Yesterday, Aetero at New Zealand, as they call themselves these days, they chalked up 150 days without any community transmission of COVID-19. So they're on zero. Yes, zero. And we're on thousands now, thousands. Yeah, we've had like 7,000 since the start of the year or something. Like, we are 7,000 times better at COVID outbreaks than them as well. They're like, they'd be further down the table than 37th in the world, my friend.

And if you turn the table for who is vaccinated upside down, We are on top in the OECD, whereas New Zealand, you know, aren't. So there you go. That's another success story. Charles, can I just ask you how we feel about being at the point in our emotional journey through this lockdown and podcasting career? We're starting an episode by bragging about being better than a much smaller country at sport. Is this where we are?

Is this what we've become? It's okay. I know it's been a rough time. And I know we've got to take joy in what we can. But is this what we're taking joy in today? Yes, it is. Fuck you, New Zealand. Yes.

This is what we're fucking going to take joy in. New Zealanders, if you've got any New Zealanders in the audience, fucking turn it off. Because we grew here, you, I don't know. Probably grew here from the age of one in most cases. On the show today, Sammy Shah talks us through the extraordinary appearance of Senator Matt Canavan on Steve Bannon's podcast. And Gabby has an annoying neighbour.

All that and more coming up. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Danaminow with a chase. and news headlines. Journalists around the nation have expressed anger after the devious Dan Andrews launched an attack on press freedom by restricting the free movement of coronavirus. Media personalities have begun demanding the Victorian government immediately import COVID from Sydney

to allow the media to return to criticising Melbourne as a way to downplay the New South Wales government's fuck-ups. An update in the Ben Roberts Smith trial as Robert Smith pleads with the court that they stop judging him by his. actions. The future ex-owner of a Victoria Cross has been accused of allegedly committing war crimes and brought shame on the Australian military, which Robert Smith says is completely unfair, because if they ask him about his actions, he will sound guilty.

Devastation in the Olympic Village, as yet another athlete has tested positive for crabs. Since the start of the Games, the village has been plagued by an outbreak, despite the preventative measures set in place by the Olympic Committee. Experts suspect that although the renewable cardboard beds are helping to stop the spread, the renewable cardboard condoms probably aren't. That's the latest headlines from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno, and our audio editor is a real piece of shit. Now, Sammy Shah is one of our regular guests here on The Chaser Report,

and the great news is that for once we're not talking about fucking lockdown between Sydney and Melbourne. I'm so glad to have you here not discussing the thing we've been discussing lately. Yeah, you know what? At this point, I've reached that situation where I have nothing but love and sympathy for my Sydney friends and I don't know. And that's not funny.

Yeah, it isn't because it's a grim situation. Many, you know, what, a couple of years ago, you made the big mistake of voting in a Liberal Party premiere and since then you've been suffering for it and hopefully you'll learn a lesson and make a better choice next time. me, you know, I support your suffering if it leads to an improved situation of the future. But Sammy, clarify, you're still completely against Queenslanders, though, aren't you?

Well, see, that's the thing. Every time I feel like I'm going to come around on Queensland, I make a real effort. This isn't something that I wasn't born hating Queensland. I didn't even know Queensland existed when I was in Pakistan. I came to Australia and I looked at this vast landscape that is this great. nation of ours. And I saw that majority of the cunts in this country come from one state. And that state unfortunately just happens to be Queensland. So in some ways it was a very evidence-based assessment. Absolutely. I believe in the scientific process, firmly and seriously.

Like any good Victorian, really. Absolutely. You know, we believe in lockdown works and we believe that Queensland's full of pieces of shit. And many of those piece of shit historically have been people like Bob Catter, have been people like Pauline Hansen, but now there's a new generation of pieces of shit coming forward who now have to earn their respect and their stripes as classic Queenslander racist crap human beings. And no one has, I believe, stepped forward and grabbed that baton of shit, made of shit and dipped in shit, than Matt Canavan. I mean, he really is the hero that Queensland needs him to be. He represents the best of that state, the cold-faced Matt Canavan.

He's almost sort of like Queenslander cubed, really is it. He's a distilled version of everything that's wrong with Queensland. He is, and you're absolutely right. You know, like Bob Catter was old. They need young. Pauline Hanson's a woman. They need male. You know, they needed someone who represented everything the state could be here.

Nothing more so than his recent appearance on Steve Bannon's podcast. Really? Do you? He has time to go on Steve Bannon's pot. Like, he's a Queensland senator, and he's got time to go on some crank. Are we talking about Steve Bannon, the guy he used to run Trump's office? That's right. So Steve Bannon, if your listeners aren't familiar, he's the guy who created Bridebot,

which is that, you know, online fake news website that's run stories about Afghan immigrants taking over Europe and other dumb shit like that. He was Trump's right-hand man and left-hand man and basically holding. holding Trump's hands many times and he was the one who came up with the you know

get rid of Muslims early on in Trump's presidency he was the one who sort of wanted to have the Muslim ban that's right it was one of his many great ideas Bannon's an ideas guy now Matt Kannavan

has appeared on Steve Bannon's new podcast the podcast is titled very low-key very you know classic American kind of subtlety style war room pandemic

That's the name of the podcast Oh no! I wish we'd done our podcast with that name. That's a much better name. You missed out. You missed out. You needed to have a meeting with Steve Bannon to figure out how to brand your podcast because this man knows all about branding. The main advertisement on the podcast again and again

is from My Pillows. Now, does everyone know what My Pillow is? Something you would use to strangle yourself with if you're on Steve Bannon's podcast. But no, that's the guy. That's just ridiculously pro-Trump. Yes, Mike Lindell is the owner and CEO of My Pillow, which is a pillow company. And he appears on the podcast on the same episode that Queens and Senator Matt Canavan does.

And in his appearance, My Pillows, Mike Lindell says that he believes that basically Kamala Harris and Biden will soon be arrested for, or will soon resign. after new evidence will appear that they interfere to the election and then Trump will be reinstated as president. Oh, yes, this was the nice thing he was going to be back in by August, which is it's almost August, Sammy, and it doesn't say it'll be happening just yet. Well, I mean, you never know, right? I'm holding out hope because I believe in Bannon, and Bannon would not lie to me.

And I know he wouldn't lie to me because the guest he has on after Mike Lindell and just before Matt Canavan is a man that I had not heard of prior to this named Clay Clark. Now, Clay Clark is, you know, a classic American grifter. He runs a website called Tribe 15, which is a company offering online education for entrepreneurs in 15-minute videos. Of course he does. He's an ardent Christian.

The website has many interviews with Christian pastors, including many pastors from Hillsong on there. He has a tour called the Re-Awaken America tour, which features Trump supporters and pastors, including Hillsong Pastors, he's a COVID skeptic. This is some of the stuff that he talks about on his podcast. Deceive it. What's going on and how can people participate? Well, what happened was I discovered in January of 2020 that the models that said that 2.2 late Americans would die from COVID-19,

those models were false and funded by Bill Gates. The PCR tests are falsely calibrated to inflate the number of cases. The inventor of the COVID PCR test. So, I don't know if you heard a bit of that. It's a very American side presentation. just a lot of steroids, a lot of high fructose, you know, syrup in his system. He goes on to claim that the COVID test, COVID isn't real. The death numbers have been inflated.

The vaccines are fake. And that COVID stands for, COVID-19 stands for, and I'm not making this up, certification of vaccinations ID, AI, AI being one and nine, the corresponding letters in the English alphabet. He then says that the Great Reset is about to have. happen that Bill Gates has been microchipping human beings across the planet. He's going to expose all this information. And then Bannon said, asks how people can give money to Clay Clark to promote his

next tour and then introduces Matt Canavan. Oh, wow. Great company. I mean, you've got to say, what a great win for Australia. I mean, just as our Olympic athletes, scooping up gold in Tokyo, Matt Canavan is representing our nation at the highest level of podcasting. at the highest absolute level of conspiracy theory podcasting, Matt Canavan then comes on

and begins by talking about how there's a conspiracy that CSIRO is training scientists working in the Wuhan lab, the same lab that's believed to be behind COVID-19. He does not, does he? Is that true? He actually says that he's been looking into this. He's been trying to get details on this. And him and journalist Shari Markson, who of course, you know,

from Sky News are involved in trying to find out how involved Australian scientists are in COVID-19 and the Wuhan lab. He then calls the scientists and I'm quoting Humpty Dumpty like Jello and guilty of making words mean what they want them to mean, which is literally exactly what Matt Kandaband does in that entire interview. So, Sammy, do you think just stepping back a bit, does this, does this explain why the federal government didn't bother to get any vaccines because they were listening to Steve Bannon's podcast, this Cassius Clay guy, sorry, what's his name, not Cassius Clay Clark guy. You know,

and they went, hang on, this is a hoax. We don't need it to get any vaccine. Like, because Matt Canavan, like, he's a fun venture, isn't he? Matt Canavan, I was just trying to remember, you know, what his roles were. And the jobs that he's neglecting is the deputy nationals leader in the Senate. And he's the deputy chair of the select committee for job security. Now, how much job security would you have to have if you've got time to go on Steve Bannon's fucking podcast with some invisible weird fever dream about the Wuhan Lab? I mean, this guy, imagine how he can't get fired by anyone, this guy. But in the exact same 24 period that he did this podcast,

he did make one media appearance and that media appearance was on Sky News to talk about how the Great Barrier Reef Foundation received, JobKeeper payments, and what an outrage that is, as opposed to the silence he's had only 75 out of the 299 ASX 300 companies that received $2.5 billion in jobkeeper payments. So, you know, he's obviously fighting the good fight for shitty things. I mean, if you're in Queensland, you'd really think this guy's got you, you know, at a time of great crisis, he's really got the important matters top of his agenda. I think what your mistake, Dom, is in the sentence, if you're in Queensland, you're

really think. And we are assuming a level of cognitive development within the average Queenslander that just is not evolutionarily possible at any stage at this point. I think that's very scientific, Sammy. I'm glad you ended on such a rigorous scientific. I am the Clay Clark of Australian. You should perhaps mention it to the CSRI. They might be able to get an investigation into it. Yeah, I do hope I'm not ruining your listenership in Queensland, by the way, at this point. You're probably going to be hunted. We don't want them. And anyway, probably don't really understand it. They probably just listen to it for the noises.

That's true. I do love, though, the hoodspar, Sammy, if you coming on a shitty podcast to make fun of Matt Canavan going on a shitty podcast by people whose careers are over. To be fair, I'm doing this on my own dime, not on taxpayer dine. That's the only difference between myself and Matt Canavan. I'm losing money to be here. I'm very keen to listen to this podcast.

Thank you. Have we just boosted pandemic war room with Steve Bannon's number? I'm pretty sure Steve Bannon does not need to worry about listenership numbers from Australian Chaser fans. But you know what? Screw it. Let's do this. Let's get so many people to listen to his podcast that it crashes his website. If you can do that, you've done something good, Chaser people. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. So, Dom, have you been keeping up with the Ben Robert Smith's death of information trial? I keep just occasionally seeing the odd flit of

Horrors through my news feed. How's he going? Is he innocent yet? Well, look, I don't understand why Kerry Stokes, who's the head of Channel 7, is backing his defamation suit because it doesn't seem to be going very much in his favour. On Monday, we heard evidence from four Afghan farmers

that he'd actually kicked a farmer, handcuffed farmer, off a cliff, and ended up killing him. And remember, this is a huge. suit that Ben Robert Smith, you know, he's a Channel 7 executive now, he mounted the case. He mounted, like, he's doing this case of his own choice. You would hope that a senior metre executive would have heard a thing called the Streisand principle.

But anyway, so it was all very, very, very confusing until I heard about this new show that Channel 7s bring out and it all suddenly made sense. Life in Afghanistan can be pretty tough But for some, it's about to get a whole lot tougher We've got 12 desperate Afghani farmers just trying to stay alive But only one will be able to impress Australian Special Forces soldier Ben Robert Smith Find out who it'll be on Channel 7's Farmer wants his life Ali Jan, a 36-year-old farmer from the village of Darwin

is hoping to captivate the SAS soldier by performing a medley of cold chisel songs Hmm, he'll have to do more than that to impress Ben after Quadratula left the soldier speechless last night by somehow cooking a bunning snag in the middle of Uruzgan province, over 8,000 kilometres from the nearest bunnings. This could really hurt Ali Jan's chances of staying alive tonight. Will he stay until next week, or will he be handcuffed and kicked off a cliff? Find out at tonight's execution ceremony. Farmer wants his life, tonight on seven.

The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Now you think that the news that lockdown in Sydney was going to be extended by four weeks would be enough on all of our plates to deal with. But Gabby Bolt has more. Hello, Gabby. Oh my God. I'm about to go insane. I feel like that scene in any bad sci-fi movie where they put the lasers on the enemy's brain and then they turn into soup.

It's where I'm at. Soup brain. Yeah, soup brain. I can't function. I can't even think. because all I can hear is like a 2010 EDM beat. I lie awake at night. Even if it's not playing, I can hear it.

So hang on. So is this something that you're hallucinating or is this a neighbor issue? Well, it's one of those things, isn't it? I thought I was hallucinating for about three days because I swear I could hear something. I could hear like this low, I could feel it. It wasn't even something I could hear. I could feel it.

This low pulsing beat. I thought I was dying. And then finally we figured out that our neighbor right on the back of our house, all lockdown the entire time every single day from the hours of 1 till around 7pm has been blasting subwoofer. But Gabby, think of it from his perspective. He's got to deal with lockdown. Like, you know, we all have our self-medication.

I get it. And I also have to deal with lockdown. And I don't know if I've ever told you guys this. But my way of dealing with lockdown is just becoming a serial killer. So I hope that he will think the same way When I go over there And knock him off the ladder That he seems to perpetually be on

To chop down a tree that doesn't seem to ever come down So wait a minute He's putting on music Yes In what is living room or something As far as I'm concerned, it's in my head He's an ADM wood chopper No wait a minute

But then he's going outside He's not listening to the music He's just going outside And how is he doing the chopping? Is it with a... So he has an axe With an ex. And he's on a ladder.

He's the kicker. Today we finally thought, you know what? Before we call the cops for the fifth time, let's see if we can solve this ourselves because clearly it's just nothing's being done. Let's try and do the normal thing and try and converse with this person. Maybe they're just not aware.

Don't know how you could be not aware. And we couldn't get his attention. He couldn't hear us calling from our backyard, not because the music was too loud, because he's wearing noise isolating headphones. Oh my God. There is a very simple solution to this whole thing. You've obviously got a bit of COVID brain.

You're not seeing things straight. It's very easy how to solve this once and for all. You don't even have to involve the cops. All you have to do, Gabi, is sneak into the house of the guy with the axe and turn off his music. He's got the head things on. He's not going to hear that you've turned it off. Well, again, I've thought this through. We finally got his attention, right, through, you know, air signals and lasers on the ground.

And when he took his headphones off, he was like, oh, what's the problem? And we said, hey, mate, just, just, I don't know if you've ever thought about this, but just during lockdown, do you mind just like turning the bass off? We didn't even say turn off the music. And he goes, oh, absolutely no worries. Sorry, it was bothering you. It's off for about three minutes and then it turns back on again, actively switched back on. I heard the neighbour next to him go, hey, mate, do you mind, do you mind turning that off?

just while we're all in lockdown. He goes, oh, yeah, no worries. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware. Four minutes later, switches it back on. We went back out again, second time. Mate, sorry, it's really, it's really loud. It's really awful. Do you mind turning it off?

Oh, yeah, sorry, no worries. It gets turned off for about five minutes and then switch back on. I am losing my mind. I don't know what else to do. Oh, gosh. Well, but look, there's a bright side to this, Gabby, that I don't think you've quite appreciated. Edm played loud.

That's a nightclub. He's providing a nightclub service to you. That costs money normally to go to a nightclub. Also, wood chopping at the Easter show costs a lot of money to get in. You're getting two shows simultaneously for free. None of us can get any entertainment. It sounds like to me like the entertainment's come to you. And Dom, as much as I would love that, if I can't access hard drugs, it's not worth it.

Okay, unless somebody can get cocaine to my house in the next 45 minutes, I might just give myself COVID. I need to either be off my fucking rocker or dead. Those are the options. But Dom, Dom, you've done a law degree, right? I have. I know you're not a practising lawyer. So not.

Is it legal for Gabby to murder this guy? But I would just go, you know, you know what's legal. One thing that's legal, the one escape from all of our problems in New South Wales, you can move. You're still allowed to move in Greater Sydney. Yeah, but Dom, that requires me to be able to find a place to move to in Greater Sydney. Have you been a part of the rental market in a while? Just go and live in the chaser office.

No, it's using it. Did you end up calling the cops? Yeah, I'm not kidding. They're actually supposed to be on their way. For all I know, they're actually at the front door and they've accidentally overheard the entire spiel about a Coke, which we probably, it probably doesn't sound good. I don't really know how I'm going to explain I'm a satirist in my legal defense. On the bright side, when they lock you up for the next four weeks,

you're not going to be able to hear the sound. The Chase Report is sponsored by Depression. It's a podcast by a group of comedians. Two of them are washed up, has-beens, the rest are all disillusioned youths. We've been in lockdown for five weeks. Let's be honest, we're all a mess. And you probably are too.

Get some help. Well, a huge day for Australia at the Olympics yesterday, of course. Zander is still there. We haven't allowed him to return home just yet. Hello, Zander. Hello. How are you? Good.

How's the coach. COVID going. You sound a little bit, shall we say, throaty. Yeah, I mean, it's, I'm just hoping that it's a bit of jet lag from the big hour or two difference, but... Yeah, I don't think so. I think it's COVID. Could be seasonal flu. Could be. That's what I'm hoping for. That's what I'm hoping for. It's swelteringly hot over there. Maybe you've just got a heat strike. Oh well.

Maybe. But thank you for remaining alive for this conversation, because yesterday was huge, two gold in the rowing for Australia. Yeah, it's been an exciting day for Australian private school. Like, they've won big. I think there's always questions in the Australian public. Why do we keep having private schools? Our public school system is great.

And obviously, the answer is rowing teams. You know, we ended England's 20-year streak. It was great to see the boys out there rowing their hard out. I mean, it took me back to watching the people train on Sydney Harbour early morning. Like, you could see their parents' cash just flying off the back of that boat. It was an incredible sight. Oh, yeah, and look, you know, it's their parents' cash, but it's also, remember, private schools are deeply funded by the federal government. So it's our cash, too.

It's our cash. Our cash got those boys out there, and we put Great Britain's run to an end. 20 years. If we weren't dropping millions of dollars into the King's School each year, we wouldn't have ended Britain's 20-year streak, and that's what we like to see. And tell me, Zanda, did the Australian rowing team go out and celebrate after their gold medal win, for example? Did they go and, say, spit on homeless people or something like that? You know, some of those private school traditions that happen? Well, I got amongst it, and like all good private schoolers, NDAs were signed,

but let me tell you, there was as much liquid consumed off the water as there was on the water. It was a big night, but I can't speak about it because, you know, their dad's lawyers got it all sorted out, but it was fun. They got amongst it In true blue Aussie spirit, might I add It's something you might have seen back in the North Shore at home That they made us proud And tell me, you know, when you are having a beer with rowers

Do they shout, skull, skull, skull, skull, skull? Yes, they do, they do They also randomly, really weirdly In the middle of the pub, jump on the floor And start doing like rowing exercises together It takes up a lot of space but mine, oh my, puts on a show. Yeah.

Like, but yeah, no, it's going well. Another few goals in the swimming where we're really bringing this home. We're coming, I think it was like fifth at the end of the events yesterday. So I'm excited. Yes. We're going to keep going. Yes. And hopefully my COVID holds out.

And I'm presuming that we're going to, we're on track to win the 100 meters men sprinting competition. We're always a big contender in that, aren't we? no um i've been talking some of the athletes at the village they are they are training up they're doing runs back and forth from the showers in order to try not get COVID yeah yeah they're really training i'm hoping a lot for them worst case scenario i've been um stretching a bit and i'll get out there and do Australia proud cool you look you can't do worse than the average Australian sprint is ended that's very good of you no and I mean you've got to be in it to win it uh I might Stephen Bradbury it.

Yeah. And I may take home gold. Well, I think that's a great idea. If you go and cough on the rest of them, they may run out of breath and you just come through the middle. It'll really be a race of survival of the fittest. You know, whose body can hold out the longest? And I think that's really what we should be testing here,

is human athleticism at its purest. Can you overcome a deadly pandemic while sprinting 100 meters? And the answer is, Oh, you can't. No. Yeah, it doesn't work. Running away from it, clearly doesn't work. Excellent, Zanda.

Thank you for putting your buddy on the line once again. And stay safe, even though we don't really care either way. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by Depression. Are you a writer for a movie about teenagers and you're not sure how to make it impactful? Why not sprinkle in some depression? There you go. Now your characters have depth.

Good job, champ. So, John, just before we go, just a quick update on the Gabby Bolt situation. Oh, yes, what's happened? Yeah, I just heard from her. The police arrived, and they have arrested her. Really? And she's been charged with murder. Oh, dear.

There you go. Some good news at last. So she got the guy. Well, actually, it's interesting because it's not first-degree murder, because apparently what happened was there was a sort of slippery liquid on the ladder, and the police are looking into what could have inspired. to get, Gabby, to put such a slippery liquid on that ladder. Yeah, what a random thing to have occurred by pure chance.

And, you know, like, you know, whether anyone had offered, say, legal advice to suggest that doing that would be perfectly fine and didn't introduce any legal problems for her. Speaking of legal advice, have I mentioned that everything on this podcast is satirical and not to be taken seriously? And that Charles Firth, who is legally responsible for all the contents of the podcast, Yeah, he's based in the Cayman Island, so, yeah, good luck getting me. Plenty of news goes up at chaser.com. Are you around the clock?

We've got plenty of time at the moment to keep writing it. Please give us a five-star review and bring a brief moment of joy to our otherwise dismal lives. Today's code word is slippery ladder steps. Slippery ladder. There you go. Our gears from road microphones and we're part of the ACAST Creator Network. See ya. See ya.