The Chaser Report - Swearing in as... MAMAMIA OUT LOUD

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

For Thursday's Podcast Takeover Dom and Charles have sworn in as the incredible podcast Mamamia: Out Loud! Charles looks to Dom for some advice on how not to feel dead inside, meanwhile Dom teaches us the difficulty of collecting urine samples. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is made on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is... This is... Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for the Thursday, the 25th of August, 2022. Not the Chaser Report, though, Don. Oh, yes, this is the week we have been impersonating other podcasts with more listeners because you can do that now. That's what Scott Morrison did with all the ministries.

but also the ratings are in, and this is a proven strategy. If you put conversations with Richard Fiedler on the name as your name of your podcast, then you get more listeners than if you put the Chase Report. Yeah, so we get more listeners who want Richard Fidelor and settle for us than if they want us. And the podcast system is so lax and stupid that you can just do that. You can. It works very very well. And I just want to thank, if I may, from the bottom of my heart,

His Excellency of the Governor General, for agreeing with all these appointments. I would have thought he would have checked. Yes. But apparently he doesn't like to check these things. Well, and we got the Solicitor General actually handed down the report yesterday, which said that even though this was a very anti-democratic thing that we're doing, it's completely legal. Yeah, it's legal, completely undermines democracy, utterly misrepresentative

and worthy of investigation, but legal. Legal. And that's the only thing. We need to know. And I'm on Dutton's side on this and Barnaby Joyce's side, which is, if it's legal, no matter how Dodgefest it is, there should be no consequences. That's right. And the reality is it's so rare that anyone says that what we've decided to do is legal. Yeah.

So, anyway, which podcast will we be today? So today, we are Mama Mia's top rating podcast called, what's it called? Talkout or something. Mama Mia out loud, out loud, out loud. This is going to be a great episode because. this is like steamy confessions from people who have affairs and sex tips from good-looking men or something. I don't know that it's that. It's out three times a week and it's just three people from Mum Mia,

Holly, Wainwright, Jesse Stevens and Mia Friedman, talking about what everyone's talking about. Oh, well, that sounds very similar to The Chaser Report. So it's just a more successful version of The Chaser Report. Yeah, it's smart. No, that's not us. Often silly, yeah. Oh, yeah, sometimes surprising, not more. Would you ever write in your own description, sometimes silly?

Often silly, also. Absolutely everything's up for discussion. From pop culture to politics, body image, to motherhood, feminism, to fashion. Well, yeah. Okay, let's talk about Dom's body image straight after this air. Oh, this is so depressing. I actually wish Mayor Friedman was here to say things that were inspiring about aging. Because that's her big thing.

Like she posts all these no makeup kind of non-filter Instagram posts. And you go, oh, good on your Mia. If I was as fit as you and, you know, did yoga or whatever she does, I'd do it. But I don't dare post-foters of myself. Well, we should probably acknowledge that the idea for ripping off this podcast actually came from an anonymous person who wrote in saying that they had nothing to do. They weren't a contributor to Mama Mia or whatever.

worked in their Mum and Meera organisation at all, but they really wanted us to take the piss out of Mamma Mia. And that they also wanted to remain anonymous for some suspicious reason. And this is great because if Mamma Mia you're upset about it, then we might get cancelled, which would be amazing for the podcast's ratings. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people would need to listen to find out what all the fuss was about. Yes, that's right.

That is, I mean, that's the trick, isn't it? But look, I've got a topic that is very Mamma Mia out loud worthy today. Are we at all worried about the politics of two men appropriating the space for a women talk about feminism podcast? Well, I think that can be a whole chunk of the podcast. Well, in many ways, Scott Morrison appropriated the job of, you know, Karen Andrews, for instance. So this is a parody of men taking things over. It's not actually us taking things over. No.

It's a parody of that. This is searing political set. We're deconstructing sexism. We're on board. In fact, I think I was on a mama-mea podcast. We're allies. We are allies. Yeah.

This is serious. This is not just a parody. This is actually quite a serious topic. Okay. Sometimes silly. Are you Mayor Friedman in this conversation? Because it's important to know who the Mia is. I don't know.

Well, I'm sort of, yeah, okay, I'll be. I think you are. I think you're the founder. This is my impersonation of Mia Friedman. I and me and me and I. And I and me and myself and me and I. It's uncanny. Right.

Okay. Dom. Yes. Am I dead inside? That's what I want to know, because I've just had these few hints that maybe the last remaining sort of skericks of humanity that I perhaps had, you know, when you have kids, you sort of cry a bit about how terribly life is now, but also with joy at, you know, how beautiful life is and things of that. I think all that stuff has shriveled up. Like, and I'll give you a few examples. Okay.

So first of all, at the moment, my entire family is hunting for, well, not hunting, but like searching for the perfect dog to adopt. Yes, the perfect dog. Right. Like, I don't mind a cute picture of a cute dog or whatever. And in the past, I might have gone, oh, yeah, that's a cute dog. I can get the sense of that, even if I hate dogs, you know. But every photo that they show me of, you know, particular dog, you go,

Oh, yeah, I can see that they're cute. But they're not like, oh, my God, that's so cute. It's just like, yeah, whatever, it's a dog. Like, I have no emotional connection. Oh, this is worse than I thought. Yeah. So even the most cute thing, known to be, like, cutest thing, dogs of Instagram.

Yes. Even that leaves you dead on the inside. Scroll through the dogs of Instagram and I go, all right. Oh, dear, this is very worried. And how are you at, what, 46, 47? On 46, I'm about to turn 47, like literally a couple of weeks away from 47. Because you've got, it's pretty early to be completely dead inside, isn't it? I mean, you'd expect it by one's kind of late 40s.

You'd be most of the way there. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know, like, to be fair, I think working with Craig Roocastle probably killed half of my insides in my 20s. So I probably was running on a little bit of MD. And it's the same with you. Oh, absolutely. No, I think I was a husk of a man before I met Craig, but it certainly pushed things a long way.

Although, Charles, there is a loophole that you can use on this particular dilemma. I've got more examples, by the way, of why I'm dead inside. We'll get to those, but this might give you a little bit of hope. There's an universal loophole you can get out of, that you can use to get out of any situation where you don't like dogs. And I relate to this, because when I met my wife, she had a dog. She'd just gotten a dog. and the dog hated all men, right?

And the first time I met her, the dog didn't completely hate me. Disliked, feared, barked at, but didn't actually try and kill me. Just normal human reaction. Yeah, it's right, to meeting me. That's right, yeah, I mean. But, and so I have a dog. I've had a dog for, you know, part ownership of a dog for nearly 10 years. Am I a dog person?

Not really. It's okay. And the loophole. which I use, and which my wife believes, so I hope she doesn't listen to this, is that it's not that you don't like dogs, it's not that you're dead inside. It's just that you're a cat person.

Oh, yes. That's the way out. You can just say, oh, it's family. It's not that I'm a shriveled husk of what used to be Charles Firth. But the problem is that knowing my family and how accommodating they are, they might then turn around

and offer to get a cat instead. Oh, but aren't you, aren't you allergic to cats, Charles? I'm a cat person. Because I am actually, I love cats, but I'm allergic to cats. Oh, I like that. But they know that I grew up with a cat. Okay.

And then, but then what if they say you can get one of those hairless, Dr. Rival cats? I think I need to say that I'm some sort of pet person where there's no chance that we'll ever get the pet. Like, oh, I'm a bit of a skunk of fishing. I really like, like, extremely poisonous snake. What about something large? I'm an elephant person. Any other animal pales in comparison to an elephant. I'm a leopard.

I'm a piranha person. Well, actually, I wouldn't mind getting fish. Actually, fish are pretty low. Although I've heard that actually, if you don't clean the fish tank and stuff, it gets a bit stinky after a while. And I just think cleaning a fish tank, come off. No, that can't be good. I mean, look, we've all watched Ace Ventura, a pet detective, or he's got the fish tank.

I mean, it's not... Yeah, no, exactly, yeah. I mean, look, I'd spend half my life cleaning the bath after the kids. I'm not going to... Okay, so you hate most... Yeah, no, so that's not the only animals. It's not just pets. Okay, so that's a point one.

That was just like a sort of spidey sense. Yeah. Or maybe I'm a spider person. It's a spider person. Yeah, right. So you're, I'm hearing semi-dead, but possibly there's a loophole. Yeah, like, sort of just go, Oh, well, maybe I just don't like dogs anymore.

I'm not entirely convinced. Okay. I've noticed, because I used to be a bit of a sobber, you know. Actually, that's true. You were known for, particularly when you had your eldest son, Hartley, you were famous for coming to work and crying because you missed your child so much. Yeah. Which was either because you genuinely missed your child or you were just really frustrated at work

and not proud of the things you were producing. I don't know which it was. Yeah, no, I think it's probably fairly angry. But I haven't cried, like, in that sort of context for years, right? I don't miss anyone anymore ever. Like, I certainly don't miss my kids when they head off to school each day. And I used to cry at sad movies. Like, I remember, you know, House of Sand and Fog, one of the greatest movies.

I remember, like, it was just appalling, you know. Oh, that happens to me still. I mean, in Up, the beginning of Up. Yes. No, it's the, it's the, I couldn't believe that was a children's movie. No. They killed her, Charles. No.

They killed her in a montage. I've never seen anyone killed in a montage. They had a beautiful life together, which you just see very, very briefly. And then they kill the old man's wife. By the way, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. If you have just listened to this, and you haven't seen Arb, don't have listened to this. Yeah, yeah, un-listened to this.

So are you saying that right now, if I put up on right now, You couldn't must have a single tear. And like previously, even thinking about the up opening sequence, I would have, you know, you know, tiered up a little. You know me, like I'm a bit of a... You're a cry at weddings. I was crying at every wedding I've ever been to, yeah. Except, no, because I went to a wedding the other day, didn't cry.

Like, I've seen multiple... The only movie that I've recently seen that I cried at was it was a Marvel movie. And I don't think that says anything. Was it just because you've been there for two and a half hours and you realised it was pointless? It was a fucking stupid movie. The new Dr. Strange one where you just kind of go, this actually doesn't matter at all.

There is no jeopardy. Yep. It's a Macuffin. It's all a Macuffin. Right. Which Marble movie did you cry? I think it was that multiverse of madness one. Oh, you're Dr. Strange.

And you're right. Oh, it was the, Dr. Strange. Was that the Dr. Strange? Yeah, no, it was like, this is just. This is stupid. I mean, even Benedict Cumberbatch couldn't save that movie from 18. And also, if you'd seen, as I had, everything everywhere, all at once together, if you had seen that movie before you see,

don't see that movie before you see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that movie is so much better, it ruins every other movie that you've seen. Because it is just the best movie of the last decade. Okay, so no crying. That's not good, because that you've changed. And so I thought, well, I've got to do something about this, right? So I was reading, you know, on Reddit, they had the subreddit called Relationships.

I can't say they've ever been to the Reddit relationships. Right, yeah. So it's all... Because I'm a master of relationships, as you know. It's all sob stories about how, you know, somebody posted the question, what's the most fucked up feeling that you've ever had, you know? And it was all these people saying, oh, the feeling of, you know, never seeing, knowing that you're never going to see a friend again,

or knowing that you're... You know, your friends have moved overseas and you won't see them for a decade and things like that. And I've got plenty of friends in that situation. And I've got plenty of friends who I may never see again. And I'll see about it and just going, I'm all right with that. Like, you know, you move through friendships. Like, you don't necessarily, like, there's people who were really significant in my life 10, 15, 20 years ago who I just probably am never going to see again. And I'm fine with that.

That was the friendship. Was that Sam Dastyari? Oh, maybe he's the person who killed me inside. Maybe that's... Because you did, because you were friends with Sam. You got a terrible injury going to Yomchar was in Newtah. Yes. At one point and coming in a bike.

And then I had to have a general anaesthetic for that injury. And when you emerged, and then I was dead inside. Maybe they took out part of your soul in that surgery. Maybe it was located in your own. Well, maybe Sam Dastyari bought it off the surgery. It's possible. Sold it to the devil. Your soul is now owned by someone high up in the conference party of China.

That's right. My confession in all this is I actually quite enjoy being in the Mamma Me Out Loud podcast. It's strangely liberating. I feel free. I feel like to talk about my feelings and emotions. Well, can we talk about your body image? Oh, no, no. That's body image.

Let's talk about us. Why were you like? today, Dom. Why were you running late? I was late. Because that is perfect, mother me, material. Yeah, look, just lean in, lean in girls. I was late today because I had to deliver a small plastic flask of urine to a pathology lab. Right. Okay. And we'll, we'll get into why in a sec, but just to be clear, when you, oh, in fact, I've got the message here. When you said you were running late, You didn't just say, oh, I'm running a bit late, I'll be there in five minutes.

This is, I quote you, it says, I have to stop it Broadway and drop off a urine sample on the way, so I'll be slightly late. Sorry, right. I just thought it's nice to give a mental picture. It's not as though I'm just a bit hopeless. It said, oh, dear, I've got to drop off this urine sample all of a sudden. But that's not an image that I wanted in my brain. But it was meant to create sympathy. It was meant to cry, oh, poor dog.

Get inside. I don't have any sympathy to give. I didn't know that then. I didn't know that then. That was a group chat. Can I? It was an important urine sample. Can I mummer me read a little bit? Can I say it a little bit from me as to this?

Yeah, so. See, it's not my urine sample. Oh. No, no, no. I'm frequently. You didn't have to get one for the baby, did you? No, for my, for my oldest daughter. Oh, right.

Okay. Because, can I just take a side note from your side node, which is getting a fucking urine sample for a baby? Oh, yes. is hell on earth. Well, you've got boys. Yes. You've got boys.

It's a lot easier with boys. Oh, is it? Yes, because you put the penis inside the little flask. No, because you don't know when they're going to... Oh, I would have assumed you just hold it. See, this is what I was going to murmure a little bit. Okay, yeah, okay, go on. I'm raising two daughters.

Yeah, yeah. I'm raising strong, fierce, independent girls, such as my eldest daughter, yes. Who will not provide a urine sample into the flask no matter what you do. It's absolutely extraordinary. She's refused. Strong-willed.

Strong-willed. Yeah, she's going to be prime minister someday. I'll be very proud of it then. But right now it's incredibly fucking irritating. Trying to get it to pee into a cup. So how did you do it? Did you bring back the potty? We had to use a pediatric urine sample bag.

Which is not designed for girls a four and a half. No, it's a thing that goes in the nappy. It's a plastic bag that sticks to your body. And you can put either the penis in it or you put it over the vagina. And it hurt like. So she wheeze in it, fills up. Yeah. She had far more weed than fitted in this little 100-mill bag.

Yes. She's four and a half. She's too old to use it. Yes. And it was incredibly painful to take it off. Oh, no. Like it was like a sticker off. It was stuck on.

And she would still rather have done that than just weed in a cup, which involves no pain and is very easy. She just absolutely refused. So I'm raising an incredibly strong-willed independent. Future Mama Mia listener who's driving me nuts with this. But anyway, so I'm carting around her wee. Now, Dom. Yes.

As a Mamma Mia podcast, I think it's important that we look at the parenting aspect of this. Oh, sure. Which is one of the things I talk about on the podcast, on Out Loud. Have you ever heard of bribery? I have. Yeah. And I did. And it didn't work.

It didn't work. What my daughter does? The whole point, that's the only skill that you need to know in parenting. She's a lot smarter than me at this, right? I'm being outwitted by a four-hound-year-old. What did you try and bribe it with? I negotiated for her to get an action figure of her favorite current, you know, TV's hero from the cartoon, PJ Masks. Oh, yeah.

PJ Masks is a series about three pyjama-clad superheroes who save the world during the night. And the female member of the troop is called Owlet. Alet has an owl glider that she flies around in. And I said, if you pee in the cup, you can have an owl glider with Owlid. And she looked at it and spent the entire day thinking of all the game she was going to play with it. When it came time to do the way, about one minute into the process, she was like, I don't want that anymore. I don't want to.

Sorry, sorry, I don't know, I don't want to. Yeah, because she had all the pleasure of thinking about it. Yeah, and she'd already, she'd already experience. So you do a deal with you, and you think I've, I've managed to convince this child to do what I want. I've bent her to my will. Yeah. And she goes, no, not, not interested. But, um, yeah, no, it's a genuine struggle.

It's a battle of minds and she is winning. Yeah. So what are you, how do you do in that situation? I should ask me a friend I don't know I think you'd just die inside don't you just don't care

just go what you do is you just go okay well it's on you if you're not going to provide the urine sample then you're not going to get better

yeah you're not going to get better suck shit you're going to get incredibly sick great okay no Charles a bit of hard love

see that's that's what this generation doesn't have back in the 1980s back you know we're Gen X Yeah. We would have just been left to rot.

On the side of the road. Yes. We would have certainly, you know, not, we would have had a latch key, you know, around our necks. Yes. We would have just. We would have been allowed to fall off things and feel pain. Yes. We would have just.

Yeah, exactly. No cotton wool. Yes. Yeah, you are dead inside. I think we've established that you're dead inside. Okay. Tomorrow and Mum and Me are out loud. Hang on.

Before we go, surely, look, I've never listened to these podcasts. but surely we have to do some sort of plug for some sort of beauty product. So we'll talk about how terrible the beauty myth is and you should just naturally look. Well, I'll give you a couple of the recent episode titles from Mummeier Outlaw. Okay, yeah. How is Brad Pitt getting away with it? Ooh. Injectibles have a brand new hype guy.

What does that mean? What's an injectable? Anti-wrinkle injections. Yeah. The latest celebrity ambassador is a man. Oh, well, maybe that's me. If you could be, you'd need it. And here's one we talked about is Sider Hustle-Skomo is the biggest story in the world.

Okay. How did we not get the Mum and Meera Out Loud take on that? Yeah. Oh, we should have done the Mama Mia out-loud take, which is what? He needed some more injectables. Quite possibly. But I think that what we need, before we do anything else, is we need to do some sort of sponsored message like Mama Mia would do.

Oh, yeah, sponsored. Yeah. Oh, native content. Yeah, yeah. Because isn't that what they're all about? Yeah, see, what they'd be about is if our conversation about parenting had been brought to you by... Yeah, huggies.

Huggies, yes. Okay. Or their elderly cousin depends. If things aren't right down there, or modi-body. What's modi-boaty? It's period underwear. Oh, okay. Right in the middle of that.

And if, look, if anyone who makes period underway wants to sponsor the Chase Report, just get in touch with... Yeah, we've got your demographic son. phone up. Our Gives from Road with part of the ACARS. Creative Network. Yeah, I can see why my mum and me are out, lad, so popular.