The Chaser Report - Swearing in as... SERIAL

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

Andrew, Dom, and Charles have sworn themselves in as a True Crime podcast today, starting with a leading investigation into QANTAS. Together The Chaser uncover the mystery of where all their missing bags went, and find out who really is to blame for the poor in-flight service. Plus, the truth about how to get into the airport lounge. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is cereal. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 24th of August. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Dom Knight. Yes I am. And Andrew Hanson. Hello. Happy 24th, Andrew.

Why, thanks. What a lovely 24th. First of all, what podcast are we going to implement? impersonate today? What will be the... Oh, there's so many that are successful. Maybe a true crime one. Yes.

I like the sound of that. I'd have point myself to that. What's the number one podcast in Australia? Well, you can't actually tell from this chart, because whatever is new. Your own backyard, it's about the disappearance of a student in the United States. So it's a true crime thing.

So is that ours today? Are we going to run that podcast today? Okay, yeah. Without telling them, of course. Yeah, we had an idea. a few years ago for a true crime podcast where we would actually commit the crimes. And then you'd pretend that you didn't know who did the crimes, but it would be the only podcast that would actually have a guarantee of knowing

who you committed the crimes at the end, because it turned out that you'd done it. So you'd know how they're always really annoying because it's like, did they murder or did they not? That's a philosophical thing. You know, like that's right up for 14 one-hour episodes. You've hung in there, isn't it? Maybe it's not important that we know who committed the crime or not.

I say, yes, it is important, you fool. You've wasted half of my life listening to you. It's really the deep lessons we learned about American society. But I kind of feel like only murders in the building. Don't tell me what happens, but I presume, yes. Have you seen only murders in the building? No, I haven't, and that's why I don't want you to tell me.

What about, can I pitch this? Only murders in the chaser. Well, can I just say, It's on Disney Plus, the app. It's a TV show with Steve Martin. I know. It's amazing. It is a fucking amazingly funny.

That's why I don't want you to ruin it. No, I only murder's in the chaser. We bump off the team one by one. And the last person standing is the one who did it. Okay. We'll do that. I think that'd be fascinating. I mean, could we have a thing where there's voting?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, look, I think after those spoilers, I think Charles had his head on the block. It would just end up with Craig hosting everything Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's just like normality Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah On the show today, we're going to, what are we going to do? Are we going to do Andrews or Dom's thing today?

Let's do my thing. Let's do Andrews thing. I thought we're going to do my thing. We are doing Andrews thing today. Okay. But let's do it after the break. Serial. You could have avoided the ads there at chaser.com today, you slash podcast.

And if you have subscribed, we, we thank you and we apologise for mentioning it because you could have just heard a seamless thing but we didn't do it that way. However, Andrew Hansen has been looking at one of the most hated organisations in Australia, haven't you, Andrew? Look, well this is how you describe it, Dommy.

I mean, you can make up your own mind, but poor old Qantas. Oh, yes. You might feel a bit sorry for him, I don't know, but look, Alan Joyce, the boss of Qantas has hopped onto a video. I don't know if you've, have you watched his... Oh, yes, that happened on Monday morning, didn't it?

Yeah, and he's got a little apology video on Monday morning. You know, everybody has to do an apology video at some point in their careers. Don't they? So we listen to a little bit of Alan? I'm Alan Joyce. We're an important message for our customers. Over the past few months, too many of you have had flights delayed, flights cancelled, or bags misplaced. I want to apologise.

It's not good enough. So as well as saying sorry, we also want to say thank you. Oh, he sounds very contrite, doesn't he? Or is that just his accent that makes him sound guilty? I think so he sounds comical. I think he sounds sort of foxy and comical. Are you allowed to say he sounds like a lepricorn or is that racist? Charles, no.

You are not allowed. You will be cancelled. That is just not needed. If I'm not mistaken, Quintus was among the biggest recipients of JobKeeper. So there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Well, there was a pot of gold, Jumme. And you'll be pleased to know that part of his apology is that he's handing some of those Irish coins out to frequent flyer members.

This is by way of apology for being a bit shit of late. Alan Joyce is giving a 50 buck credit to everyone who belongs to the frequent flyer program. Well, that's exciting. Money for nothing. I guess the last time I looked at a flight on Qantas, it cost about six times more than it normally would. But it's good to know that there's $50 less. So it'll only cost maybe, what, 5.7 times as much as it normally would. Well, it begs the question.

I mean, you know, I started dreaming. I don't know about you. You know, I sort of got dollar signs in my eyes when I heard about this. I'm a quantum flyer, and I thought, look, when you're at the airport, I mean, what could you use your 50 extra dollars? Well, I'd buy half an egg sandwich with that sort of money. I know. Yeah, I would treat myself to something like that. Yes.

I mean, I was thinking, you know, you could buy a couple of snow peas from that stir-fried restaurant. Yeah. Always seems to be at Australian airports, you know. You probably be able to get a small coffee for bits of bags. I don't think it wouldn't go. I don't think it would stretch that far, Charles. Maybe a short, maybe just a little shot. Yeah.

A short black. It'd be a surcharge. You can't tell me that there'd be some baggage surcharge or a walking to the terminal surcharge or a security scan. I'll tell you what does appear like that. I'll tell you what they'd do. They'd sell you the coffee and then they'd take it off you before you board. Oh, yes.

That happens to me all the time. They'd take it off you at the gate. Yeah. You go, why the fuck did you just sell me this? Are you not allowed to walk on board with a coffee? No, it's very dangerous. Very dangerous, yeah. But they serve coffee on board.

It's a loophole. Admittedly, that is it. I mean, what's that different? Could you give it to the cabin crew and say, instead of just serving me, you kind of plunge your coffee, give me my coffee back at the point where you bring them around. Would that work? Could they be, could they babysit the coffee for you? Well, I'll just give it to the poor old pilot to keep him awake on the journey.

I mean, you know, there's not quantist though. What was the airline with? They both fell asleep just recently over the weekend. Oh, yes. Finally, a fuck up that wasn't done by Qantas. This is great news for Alan Joyce. I hope he gets onto this news. Because they know he could post his next video saying,

well, at least we weren't the airline that falls asleep halfway through the flight. Isn't part of the problem that they've sacked all the people who know how to do baggage handling and they've just got backpackers doing it and just throwing. So the $50 will go on, surely it has to go on buying things for when you bag, doesn't arrive with you at your destination. It doesn't just get eaten up on, like, emergency undies and stuff? Well, no, because you would have already spent it on excess baggage fees at the beginning of your journey. Just for your hand-like-ish now.

Well, anyway, look, this is what they're doing. I mean, look, okay, if the 50 bucks doesn't float your boat, I mean, what other things do you think Alan Joyce could offer customers by way of apologising for being a bit shit? I mean, his resignation would have been a good gesture. Yeah. Or yeah. Or less video appearances by Alan Joyce. Oh, no, I disagree. I think he should set up his own YouTube channels.

Oh, you think you want more? Yeah, I think more, Alan Joyce. Yeah, with charisma like that, it's surprising he doesn't do the in-flight safety announcement. How would an Irish person doing the Qantas Insight In-Flight Safety Enouncement sound? Yeah. It would give an extra edge of humour that it didn't already have. Yeah. No, I think, I mean, you know what?

how Alan Dries, and is serious for a moment, could actually, actually make amends. What can he do? Is to fucking run his airline even half decently. Oh, do you reckon that would be, by way, of apologising? I think that's asking a bit much, though, isn't it? And actually hire baggage handlers who know how to read. But Charles, that's a lot more expensive than just giving everyone a $50 credit so that they...

Because you realise what they're doing. They're not giving us $50. No. What they're doing is giving themselves money by discounting 50 bucks off flights we weren't going to take. They'll come out ahead of all these. What if they...

I think the chasers should apologise to everyone and give everyone $50 of our own money. As a credit for the chaser store. Yes. And just make sure that as with Qantas today, nothing is less than $300. And I'll make a video apologising for giving you $50. What I'd like to have, I think, to add to my quanties to.

honest experience, not only yes, it being less shit, but I'd love it if what they had was, you know, on the in-flight channels, you've got a live stream of people in Jet Star suffering. I think that's, you just have people not being served food, in uncomfortable chairs.

Basically, it'd be, it'd kind of be like a snuff video. That'd be great. It could be the person in your equivalent seat as well. Maybe it's just fixed on that one passenger. Yes, yes, that's right. You just see them suffer. Yes, just watch. What a bad time there. And you can do things like you'd have buttons

where you can press less oxygen and just get a little bit less oxygen and make it so you can choose the one thing that they still have when the cart gets to them You can just have dry pretzels and no water That's all you can have And it'll cost you ten bucks And maybe you could make the seat in front of them

Recline all the way just with the press of a button Yes Serial Because my memory of Jetstar is fighting with them I remember the last, I wasn't allowed to bring a stroller. I bought one of those strollers that folds up and goes in the overhead compartment. I was very proud of myself. You know, I said, look, I've got this is called a baby's end yo-yo, and they're amazing.

They fall up incredibly small, and you can put them in the baggage compartment. As a baby, you go with it? Yes, that's right. It's very good thing. No, but you wheel it all the way up to the gate. That's the genius of it, right? So you don't have to actually carry your child at any point if you're very lazy. And I got to the jet style flight, and I'd taken it all around the world.

I've taken it to America and via Hong Kong and whatever. and on Jetstar they said oh you'll need a bag and I said but it doesn't come with a bag this is how it comes and they said no no you've got to have a bag so we couldn't put it in so I had to fight with them for 20 minutes about it

and then they told me if I didn't shut up I was going to be denied boarding to the plane so then I had to check it into the hold instead that's the Jet Star service point you are an annoying man I agree with Jetstar what a pain you'd rock up with some weird hipster you know trolley

stroller thing that nobody's heard of and expect it to be put in the compartment. You've done the thing that no brand expert has ever thought Puzzle, which is make Jetstar likable. Yes, that's right. In fact, the next Jetstar ad should star Dom. I reckon it should have Dom in it. So look at this annoying man.

If you don't want to fly next to somebody like this, then use Jetstar because we'll boot him off. What a good idea. I mean, I must say that the risk of even a life ban from get started and it seemed like a message. But I got to, the thing that Kwanis has done, that,

that they have done, I don't know whether any of you of a more elevated status than just the standard, but I'm just read or something. I'm silver. Just because years and years ago, I happened to go on overseas,

one overseas trip and they put me up to silver. And then it's just been extended and extended. I think it was in 2018 or something that I did this trip. And so they sent me to complimentary lounge invitations. Ooh. Oh, so you get to go in and eat some warm luncheon meat. Oh, what a great, what a great. All the Devon you want.

So the $50 is no good, but I do go, and I'm going to get to the airport very, like, three hours early or four hours early, I'll be able to drink the bar dry at the Kwanis Club until I get evicted for being disordained. See what I mean about the annoying guy? You should be banned from all airports, dummy. So that actually, that's the one good thing Kournus has ever done. You'll get trollied and then you won't be able to use your trolley. Oh, terrible. Oh, Charles, but no.

Sorry. We shouldn't have recorded this podcast, though, because you know. No, we should not have. No. The ambition of every Australian, there's one task you have in your life when you know that you're made. Is to get gold. No, it's to get into the chairman's life. Oh, the chairman's life.

This is what happens is when your... My sister used to be in the chairman's land. Yeah, when you're an MP, like your sister was. Yes. Or you're a CEO. You're very, very significant. You know, you're a cricketer or something. Yeah.

You get into the Chairman's Lounge, which is this hidden little lounge. It's got a door that no one knows about, a little secret door. And that apparently is the one service that Qantas operates. Forget first class. It's the one place where they actually have good food and adequate drinks. And the worst thing in the world is not getting into the Chairman's Lounge. It's getting booted out of the chairman's lounge, which I can attest to because my sister got booted out. And the letter that they write to you is very polite, but it's very firm.

Dear special person, you are not longer. special enough. So she just lost her seat as you've been beaten out of parliament and it was like you are now no longer special enough

to qualify for the chairman's lounge. And then she was humiliating. Yeah, dear person, you're no longer useful to us to basically, you know, bribe you so that we can get special treatment. Because every MP who legislates

about Qantas is in the chairman's lounge and constantly getting free shit from them. Yes. That's the whole point of it. But the thing is, that even if you get chugged out of the chairman's lounge, there's always the virgin version of that,

which is true, which is called The Lounge, I think. Yeah, The Lounge. And I have been in there. Have you? I went in there once with Sam Dastyari, of all people. Wow, that's standard to low. It's the only other person,

famous person that I saw in there at the time was George Christensen. He's like, bottom of the barrel. No, Virgin Flit of Manila. It's only the dishonour of it. MPs. I mean, that's a real... You really know your life's turn around of it.

It'd be one thing to be booted out of the Chairman's Lounge. She'd probably steal gold or something. Probably still has lifetime Qantas Club. Yeah, yeah, probably. But to have to end of the Virgin Lounge... I mean, that's... I mean, we've fallen low in our careers. I know that the chase is not what it once was.

Yeah. But we don't have to go to the Virgin Lounge. Our Geregris from Rode, we're part of the A-Cast Credit Network. Catch you tomorrow. And if you let us into the Chairman's Lounge, we will say nothing bad about Qonis. ever again.

Wasn't this supposed to be a true crime podcast? Oh, yeah, the true crime is everything Quetus has done for the past three years. Oh, nice call back. Well, you did mention San Dostiare. Fred of the show.