The Chaser Report - Thank God The Pubs Are Open

Episode Date: June 4, 2020

This week we dive into Donald Trump’s bizarre Bible stunt amid the American protests/riots, check out the latest round of nauseating celebrity videos, and leave this awful week behind to take a trip into a future entirely made up of crappy Bluetooth devices. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report in a week where America decided one terrible crisis wasn't enough, and it became even more clear that 2020 is being scripted by the writers of Game of Thrones. in this episode, Andrew Hanson, Charles Firth and me, Dom Knight. But there was one piece of good news, guys.

Pubs reopened in some parts, the country, right when we needed them the most. Charles, how did you celebrate the local opening its doors? Well, the problem is I'm so hung over from about two months' worth of continuously drinking every night that I went to the pub, but I just had to drink water. I couldn't stand the idea of having a beer, just too hung over. I went down to my local and it's different. They take your name at the door and you've got to show them all your phone and all that. Then I got actually didn't, I sat by myself at a table having a meal and not talking to anyone.

So it's like every time I go to the pub. Yeah, it's perfect. I'll tell you what, it's really, it's not very good them taking your name at the door though because I'm banned from most of the pubs in my area. So, you know, and I usually sort of dress up in a fake moustache and some glasses and things like that. Now they've got my name. I saw some signs actually. No Firths allowed that.

Must be what it was. In today's episode, we're going to dive into Donald Trump's bizarre Bible stunt amid the American rights. We're going to check out the latest round of nauseating celebrity videos for I Celebrity. And we're going to leave this awful week behind to take a look at the future. And it's a future made up entirely crappy Bluetooth devices. But first, as ever, let's check in with Rebecca Daynamuno in the Chaser International Global World Newsroom International. Facing a national crisis, U.S. President Donald Trump has headed on. for a quick holiday in Hawaii.

The decision came shortly after a call with Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who also pointed out that Melania really needs a break. Iraq has launched a full-scale invasion of the United States in a bid to bring democracy to America. Iraq's government says this is a joyous time for America's people who will finally be liberated from their oppressive rulers.

The rogue state of USA has witnessed violent clashes between civilians and the military and is rumoured to have stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction. Meanwhile, Mexico has suddenly agreed to pay for a border wall between itself and the US. The Mexican president said he fears an influx of illegal American immigrants in search of a better life. That's The Chaser Report headlines, News You Can't Trust. Thank you, Beck. By the way, we are eight eps into the new podcast.

Now, are you enjoying reading a news for us? No, I'm only doing this because I miss the job seeker deadline. Right. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. Guaranteed tear gas and rubber bulletproof. Now, Charles and Andrew, in the aftermath of George Floyd's murder by Minneapolis police officer, huge protests of, as we all know, broken out across the US and indeed across the world. There have been riots as well.

Police have driven their cars into crowds. It's been a very intense week. Most presidents would try and find a way to calm things down, you know, bring the country together, unite. Donald Trump, not so much. He's wanted to play tough guy throughout all this. and as things were particularly hated, there were protests right outside the White House. He said this.

I am your president of law and order. What do you think that means? Hmm, well, I assume he just means knowing Trump, he's probably watched an awful lot of the TV show Law and Order and so much that he's the president of the Law and Order fan club. Yeah, I think he probably actually thinks he's in an episode of Law and Order. I think that is literally the best explanation I've heard. so far, Andrew. That's brilliant.

Well, it makes more sense that him still being in the apprentice because his apprenticeship is not going well. He would have been fired by now. I mean, I must say, I do think that Trump lies about everything right. So if he says he's the president of law and order, then it must, just by virtue of the fact that he's always lying mean that he's the president of, you know, unlawfulness and disorder. Which actually is true, isn't it? Yeah, it makes me work.

That is a very good explanation. But look, the strange thing is, right, and this bears out your theory, Charles, right, as he was saying this, and CNN kind of cut this together in a report that I watched, just as he was saying this, literally, you could hear the protesters in the park outside Lafayette Park. Conducting a legal protest, they were being moved out and tear gassed at the same time as he was saying he was the president of law and order. Nobody could understand why this was happening. It was all a mystery. But then in the Rose Garden, the president made it very clear, as per CNN's Dana Bash. The reason peaceful protesters were forcibly moved became more clear.

to make way for the president to stage a photo op. Now I'm going to pay my respects to a very, very special place. Thank you very much. A very, very special place. Where would you think he meant? Just hearing that live. I think it's Maccas, isn't it? He's paying his respects at the shrine of Ronald.

Yes, I would have imagined the president sort of going out in a tank for the drive-thru. That would have been a great visual. And because he heard that they had parties with free cake. Pick for birthdays. I would assume that, I mean, the problem is that that Hollywood strip where all the stars are, but that would be his very, very special place, wouldn't it? Yeah, maybe. That's his most cherished thing.

So maybe he was just heading out there. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Is golf course? Is there a golf course right next to the White House? Not far away, actually. Mm, very, very sacred. No, he's Dana with Moore.

Destination, historic St. John's Church, where, presidents have prayed since James Madison. The image holding up a Bible in front of that church was what he wanted to convey. So Donald Trump holding up a Bible outside this historic church. One important detail here, many reports have confirmed this. He was holding it upside down and backwards. What does that convey? Well, maybe it was a Quran because don't they read their books backwards?

From right to left. Well, it's not backwards. to them, Charles. It's reading Arabic. It's forward. Is that deeply offensive? Am I going to cause a second race for? It is impressive that someone else has managed to match Trump's level of

incensitivity. Well, done, Charles. Yes, good. Look, Charles, you know, our books are backwards to people who read Arabic, I think. Isn't that the case? Well, look, I don't know. Well, maybe it was just an olive branch to Arabic speakers. It was saying, maybe our Bible is almost as good as Muslim's Bible or something.

Yeah, we can read books in either direction, and it's fine. We should all come together, read our books from front to back or back to front. It doesn't matter. Do you think it's possible if he doesn't know how books work? Like he's got this unfamiliar device. That is a possible, yes. Sadly, that is a very tangible possibility, I think. Either that or he's a Satanist.

This is the other thing. He might well be, you know, like in an sort of exorcist movie. I'm pretty sure that's what happens there too, isn't that upside down? Crosses. would the Antichrist do? That's true. Upside down crosses is what Satanists have. It's funny because I'm not, I'm not Christian in any way, right? But that moment did actually make me pray. I was praying for him to be struck by lightning at that point. But look, the press were there for the photo up and some of them were a little bit skeptical about all

of this. And they asked an obvious question. Now, I've had to splice two different bits of audio together from two sources to hear the exchange, but I promise this is how it happened in real time. Is that your Bible? She didn't believe him. Is that your Bible? It's a Bible. This Bible do you think it was?

Where did that mysterious Bible come from? Oh, presumably a Russian prostitute. They're well known for their Bible-bearing ways. Yeah, it might have been Barack Obama's Bible that he left over. And then Trump got the prostitute to pee on it. And then he held it up, you know, outside the... It wasn't wet. Was the Bible suspiciously wet, do I mean?

I didn't have a close look at the photo, but maybe that's why it was upside down. He was trying to shake it out. I can't see any dripping, but it turns out that the whole thing was masterminded by a political genius in the White House, Ivanka Trump. And she carried that Bible over to the church in her $1,500 Max Mara handbag.

And of course, she's Jewish, married to Jared Kushner, so it wasn't her Bible. I reckon the only person in the way, West Wing with a Bible hand, he was Mike Pence. So I reckon it's Mike's Bible. One of the things I love about this story is that in order to do the photo op outside the church, they actually forcibly removed the clergy from the church who were giving first aid to wounded protests.

I mean, that's what Jesus would have done, I think, if he wanted a photo op. Oh, look, it's well, you know, this is showbiz, dummy. You've got to make safe. You've got to clear the set, you know, if you're going to make this film. And I'm sure Jesus would have done the same for the sermon on the mount. If he wanted the shot, he would have got rid of all the, riff ref ref he did yeah he sent in the he sent in the roman uh legendaries to go and clear everyone out that's what he did you should you should have seen how they cleared the crowd uh when they were

shooting the passion of the christ it's amazing brutal they just got Mel Gibson out there ranting and everyone ran away but then the story got even more bizarre i don't know if you've seen the latest development because it emerged the reason he did the bible stunt was not to you know warn America that it was entering the handmaid's tale it wasn't to try and restore calm it was because he was upset that the press had criticized him for hiding in a bunker back when the protests outside the White House got violent earlier in the week. And he wanted to, you know, project being a tough man. So he strided out into the streets, had them cleared to try and project strength. Do you think he projected strength or maybe something else? Well, look, to me,

it looked like he was a mafia don't know. Did you see the photos of him walking at the front under this flank and then there are about 15 men behind him. He just looked like he was trying to be some sort of mafia boss. I don't know whether that's strong or weak, but it's certainly... It's strong, Charles. Look, I know I'm with you. I think he did look strong. I mean, Bibles are thick.

They're very thick, heavy books. And to hold one up for as long as he did, I reckon he's got some serious biceps going there. CNN, Stainabash, picked up something else. this projected. Inviting up staff, all white, perhaps not part of the script he intended, but a stark visual nonetheless. Quiet, Dana, quiet. But look, then it got even stranger because the whole stunt with the Bible didn't manage to convince people that it was strong. The press was still being critical. So he went on Fox News Radio and talked to a guy called Brian Kilmead, and he said this. I was there for a tiny, little short period of time, and it was much more for an

He said that he went down to the bunker for an inspection. Does that ring true to you guys? Oh, look, I've always cowed in my bunker for an inspecting, you know, inspection reasons. So that's usually, you know, when I'm really scared, I go inspect my bunker for a few out. Yeah, what's, what's he inspecting down there? What do you inspecting down to your bunker? It's the pawn stash. Surely it's the White House pawn bush.

Get away from the wife, you know, what it's like. Now, I'm sure he was inspecting the Bible in great depth, guys. That's what he was doing. But look, even though, obviously, they're allies, even the Fox presenter called bullshit on that explanation. Have a listen to Brian Kilmead. So you tell me, Mr. President, they didn't say to you, you have to go downstairs.

My responsibility is your welfare. They didn't limit you at all in the house? Nope, they didn't tell me that at all. But they said it would be a good time to go down, take a look, because maybe sometime you're going to need it. So either Trump is just lying. or the Secret Service knows him so well that they said, oh, go down for an inspection

so the idiot would actually go down there and be safe. What do you reckon? Well, I reckon they probably just found themselves in a room with Donald Trump and thought, you know what, it'd be much better if he was down in a bunker. I just wish the Secret Service would tell him to resign because you never know. He might need to someday soon.

Today's Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. Don't worry, you don't have to read it. Now, Domi and Charles, I've got a brand new set of wonderfully comforting celebrity isolation videos to make you guys feel better this week. Yes, I've been trawling through the videos, and it's time now to play the game that I like to call, Isolibriety! All right, first celebrity isolation video that I'd like to share with you, and the

challenge, of course, is that you have to guess who the celebrity is just by listening to the sound of their voice. The first one comes from a famous musician in isolation. Here he is, introducing a new song by his band. So, let's cut a long story short. We cut this track well over a year ago in L.A., I believe, yeah. For part of a new album, you know, ongoing thing. And then shit at the fan.

So, Domi, who is the musician speaking in that video? Oh, that's hard. It sounds to me like the most grizzled, whizened, sort of been on the road a thousand times personally. So Keith Richards, I'm thinking. Hey, Domi Knight. Is that right?

You've got it in one. Yes. Well done. I don't know what Pete sounds like, but I know Johnny Depp based his character. Well, he sounds exactly like, he sounds exactly like Captain Jack, doesn't he? The Johnny Debt impression is quite uncanny, isn't it?

Yeah, absolutely. It was Keith Richards, no, and you're quite right. It wasn't Miley Cyrus. or Justin Bieber. How is he still alive, given COVID? I mean, what an extraordinary human being. I know. He can survive anything.

He can survive literally anything at all. He's probably had COVID nine times. My theory about him is that actually what happened is, you know how he used to experiment with a lot of drugs? I'm sure he still does. But that somehow he had an experimental dose of a drug that actually gives you eternal life. So he actually, he's sort of cured of death forever.

Or immunity to everything. Like if they want a vaccine, shouldn't we just be pulling out some of Keith Richard's blood and injecting it into asthma? Yeah, get it into everyone. It would be indestructible. Unbelievable. Well, look, I'd like to play just some more of his video

because it's so reassuring. You know, he's got this new song with the Rolling Stones. It's called Living in a Ghost Town. and just keep an ear out for the interesting way at the end of this in which Keith Richards asks us to stay safe. And Mick and I decided that this one really needed to go to work right now. And so here you have it, living in a ghost town. Say stay safe.

Do you feel better? Do you want to just hear that reassuring message at the end again? Can we just hear that again, Mike? Say safe. Say staf. Say staf. Say stave. Very important to remember at this. It's the drugs.

It's the experimental life-giving drug. Keith's from the trolling bones then. He's probably had so much of his blood taken from him that he's a bit lightheaded. But it's in the name of saying stave, so that's okay. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. All right. Next one. Next one. Got another celebrity isolation video.

There's a note. Going to children's musician now, actually. from a stone to a kids musician. Now, this noteworthy kids entertainer's been posting some storytime sessions in recent days. Lovely for your kids to watch. Here's an excerpt from one of them. It's a good story and a fascinating insight into this entertainer's inability to say the letter L. They pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled.

So before we get to guessing the person, guys, which famous story, Charles, do you think that quote comes from? They pooled and pulled and pulled and pulled. Well, it must be Jack in the ginomous case of diarrhea. Not a bad guess. No, that's not the story. Was it poohed and poohed and pood or pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled? Well, it's up to you to decipher, Domney.

I mean, I'm not going to tell you. I mean, it just made me think about chronic masturbators. that famous fairy tale very reassuring for the kids at this time to hear stories about jerking up in isolation if you're stuck in your room and in your teens in your bunker good way to say stay

all right well let's let's find out the answer to what the story is and as you listen of course try and guess who's telling that story Hi, tonight's story is about an old man who planted a turnip seed and it grew and grew to become an enormous turnip. So, this is the story of the enormous turnip. A turnip did grow and grow and grow until it was enormous.

Well, you could be right, Domi, maybe it is a story, masturbating. I mean, I have a confession to make. I have been in a stage adaptation of this story. I was the farmer. In year, in year four, I was the farmer in the West Pimble public presentation play of the enormous turner. No. You were the, the farmer's the star star in role, isn't it? Or is the turnip. The turnip a star. The turnip really was the star. But I can actually even remember the song. It started, I came out and I went, There's a turnip in my garden. And it's growing in the sun.

If you want some hooked, come and get some. Because there's a turnip for everyone. Boo. That is a terrible start to a musical. Imagine if Andrew Lloyd Webber started his musicals with the... There's a turnip in the garden. It's not that dissimilar to Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff. Yeah, actually, it would fit right in.

I just wonder, Charles, whether you should be telling this story to the Child Abuse Royal Commission, frankly. But the big question, a big question, is the game. Well, who's the children's entertainer? I think it was an Australian, wasn't it? Yes, yes, it is. Ozzy? I can only think of Peter Coombe or someone.

Tommy Knight has got it again. Oh my God. You are correct. It was Peter Coombe. It was Peter Coombe. And by a great stroke of coincidence, Peter Coombe, a few years ago, released an excellent bit of medical advice

for what to do if you come down with COVID or indeed any other illness. It goes like this. Now when you're feeling crook. Fill in the next line of the song, please. When you're feeling crook, what's next, dummy? Give Dr. Google a look. I don't know.

Oh, not bad. Charles. It'll be something like, don't be a sook, why not it? Aye. Charles first, let's hear the answer. Now when you're feeling crook, don't you be a sook. Oh, wow! That's amazing.

Nicely done. That's because I was in that musical in Year 5. Well, there you go. And of course, I mean, not only not being a sook, but of course the even more important thing to remember, if you do get very ill, is make sure you... Say Steve. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible.

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Welcome to the future. That's right. This is the segment where I review crap Bluetooth products that have been made by our late capitalist society and unleashed on consumers. Let's let Ben introduce today's product. Hi, I'm Ben and this is the Eggminder. This is one of the first products we did with our friends at GE. It's a very simple product. but it's absolutely amazing.

So what do you reckon an egg minder is? A chicken, a mother hen? I mean, this already exists. We don't need the... That's true. I love that this is GE, the world's largest firm or whatever in this space. I'm going to guess it basically just cooks eggs for you.

Right. Well, let's let Ben answer that question. It's an egg tree. An egg tree. Yeah, it's an egg tray. For the fridge, is it? Oh. Yes, so the official title, the official title is the Egg Minder Wink Appenabled Smart Egg Tray.

Yeah, it falls off the tongue, doesn't it? I can't believe I've been using dumb egg trays my whole life. So what do you think? Remember this is a smart egg tray, dong. What do you think it does? Well, I would hope that a smart egg tray was able to monitor the egg to find out whether it had gone off based on actually test. sing it in some way. Same way, like, when you drop it in a glass of water.

Let's, let's see whether you're right. Let's go to Ben. It holds eggs. It holds actually 14 of them. And it actually keeps track of how many eggs you have at any given time. So let's say you're at the market and you want to know, well, do I need eggs or not? You just look at your phone. You look at the app and it says, yeah, you need eggs.

Didn't think of that, did you, Don? Didn't think of that. I've been relying on my memory for that for all these years about whether I've used the eggs. This is why I'm always out of eggs, always out of eggs, because I haven't had eggs for years because I never know if I need them or not, so I don't take the risk of bikes. No, what if I got home and I had eggs? Yeah, I mean, you could waste three or four dollars on those eggs, Andrew. That's right.

Dom, you were actually slightly right. There is another feature. I'll let Ben tell you. But the best feature, the feature I think, is most cool. There's little LEDs next to each egg, and it tells you what the oldest egg is. and you just sort of take it and you see the next out lady pops on tells you that's the next oldest egg

yep and then you go and then bam bam see isn't that useful because when you get a carton of eggs they're all different ages aren't they they're all of different ages some of them could be years old I mean who knows how old some of those eggs are

I mean some would say that you could just work say left to right to achieve the same effect But Ben knows bad up. The thing that troubles me a little bit is that didn't Ben mention that it holds 14 eggs? Yes. So, and this, this is where we get in, because I just want to read you some of the reviews on Amazon. But one of the, one of the, because it's got 334 negative reviews on Amazon. I couldn't, it only gets 2.3 out of 5 on Amazon, which if you know Amazon is like the worst reviewers in the world.

But one of the overwhelming complaints is this is terrible for people with OCD because they're just complaining. Like all of these people have bought this egg tray and are just complaining how it has 14 slots and egg was sold in 12s and how it's just driving them insane because you can't then go and buy two extra eggs. Oh, it would be awful. I imagine you'd always have two empty slots and that would be infuriating. It would be so annoying to have those two empty slots. I mean, oh, yeah. Yeah. So the thing is, there are a few other problems with it. It's not just the 14 eggs. One of the problems is the batteries die after every few weeks.

Oh, right. So that last less than an egg does. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? The other one is, apparently, it's not very accurate at counting eggs. You had one job. The only feature is not very accurate. And it wasn't a very difficult job. But the main problem, I just love, I love this problem about this egg tray. If you put it in your fridge, it can't connect to your Wi-Fi because your fridge is made

of metal and it acts as a sort of Faraday cage and actually stops it from connecting to the Wi-Fi. So the only way it can connect to the Wi-Fi is you keep your fridge door open. So if I'm at the market and I want to check in with the smart end. egg tray, I need someone to call my wife and get it to open the fridge. And instead of, don't tell me, don't tell me how many there are. Wait, I'm just going to connect. That's fantastic. So, so this, this tray, it started out being $78.

Would you, would you buy it for $78 that you can't use? It's now actually, it's only $20 Australian on Amazon you can get it for. I don't know why they have to cut the price. So if you want one, it's a wink app-enabled smart egg tray. I'm sure there's plenty available. Do you think that they have a smart device that tells them how many unsold devices there are? The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. They say black lives matter, but Christian votes matter too.

That's it for this week's Chaser Report. Big thanks to our producer, Mike Liberation. as ever. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcast if you would. That's all that our bosses care about. Write a review if you feel like it. And anytime you like, keep up with the news on chaser.com.com. Oh, but wait, Andrew, you'll never guess what's happened. Oh, don't tell me, Domit. Don't tell me. There's some news breaking, isn't there? No. Right on time, as ever, a late breaking news update from Rebecca Deunamuno. undergone a dramatic rebranding and will now be known simply as the States of America.

Back to you. And we'll leave you with another advertisement. Great news this week for Rich People, Andrew. The government's going to give $25,000 to homeowners so they can do up their joint. Isn't that exciting? Well, you know, who could be more deserving at this time, really, than somebody who already owns a home and earns an absolute shitload? I think this is a great idea.

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