The Chaser Report - That Could've Been An Email

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Did you hear? The Prime Minister is going to make a HUGE announcement tonight! Charles and Dom are eager with anticipation to hear what massive, earth-shattering, world-changing news Albo is going to drop on them. OH THE EXCITEMENT I CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!!!!!!!---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigall Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to a momentous episode of The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And Charles, let me interrupt you there because the Prime Minister has just addressed the nation. You've got to stop what you're doing. Even the introduction has to be stopped, Charles, because this is a momentous moment in the history of Australia. This has only happened six times, Charles, six times in our nation's history. as the Prime Minister addressed the nation, in this case not live, pre-recorded, to tell us what's going on in the wider world, Charles.

Do you remember the other times? Well, look, I don't think there are, this is going to be, there's going to be two timescales now. It's going to be before the elbow address and after the elbow address. B.A. and A.A. The date 1st of April is going to go down in history. It's not going to be April Fool's Day. No, no, not anymore. It's going to be Albo's.

Albo Day. Yeah, Albo Day. Because, look, I mean, yeah, this is history in the making. I haven't actually managed to see what he actually said yet, but I'm sure it's going to be huge. And we're going to, look, I promise what we're going to do is we're going to go through this episode and go through every single big announcement that he's made and bring you the detail of exactly what the government is doing to address this huge crisis caused by America's bombing of Iran. I mean, Charles, 7pm on a Wednesday night, this is prime time, it's family time. It's the time we get together.

Normally we'd gather in pubs or we'd go to the theatre or a movie or we'd be sitting and watching TV. All of that is on hold tonight. The nation won't do any of these things. The nation is a standstill. We come together. It's probably saving huge amounts of petrol for him to address the nation because every, I mean, you look out the window. Well, there's no cars. I can't see anything.

There's no planes in the sky. Yeah. Although that's probably because of the war. But no, we've all put our lives on hold because the Prime Minister needs our full attention, our full attention, Charles. I don't know what he's got. Lots of rumours have been going around. Let's speculate, shall we, before we get to the Prime Minister about what it might be. Okay, so let's ponder what this might be about.

I mean, what could be so momentous, Charles, that Anthony Albanese would address the nation? The nation, Charles. I think, I mean, what's becoming clear is that in the Strait of Hormuz, there's basically a three-tier system that has developed over the past month or so. Right. So it is not true to say that oil tankers have not got through the Strait of Hormuz. In the past month, about 181 tankers have got through. Really? That many.

Yes. What's the problem? And the way that it works is if you're an ally of Iran, you just get through. Right. So Malaysia has managed to negotiate free transit of all its tankers. That's India. Actually, surprisingly, has been getting its oil tankers through. Then there's, and that's about 70% of the traffic.

The other 30% of the traffic are neutral countries who've negotiated payments. So this is mainly the Chinese tankers. Right. And what they do is they pay about $2 million worth of Rimbibi, so it's all denominated not in U.S. dollars. and Iran gives them a whole lot of paperwork and some codes and stuff like that. Codes. To verify who they are and they get escorted through by Iranian people.

And so, and then allies of the US and Israel don't get through it all. In fact, they get bombs sort of thrown out of. Charles, do you know what they say? They say that when a country controls a major choke point in the world's oil supply, you should probably think twice before bombing them. That's what they say. So, okay, so vessels are going through. So in other words, it's only, so Australia is not getting the oil.

So the thing is, what I think Albo is about to announce tonight is the separation of Australia from the US. Like clearly, if you're looking at Australia's direct national sovereignty interests, which is what Albo is claiming that he's most focused on at the moment, I think what he's going to do. And I know this is big news, Dom, but you heard it here first. You think it's what it will be. I think what it'll be is Albo announcing, look, America has become an unreliable ally. We used to love them, but unfortunately we have to part our ways because it's in our own national self-interest to pave our own way in the world.

So I think you've got to realize it's going to be an announcement that big. The submarines, Charles. What will happen to the submarines? Well, it could be. I think that may well be part of the announcement. This is going to be huge. I mean, imagine how much extra fuel we could buy with $368 billion. Also, that said, if we can get the nuclear subs, can we use nuclear power for like, you know,

getting around Australia? Can we get nuclear reactors in our cars? Because that seems to be a good option. But look, Charles, another bit of news just doing the rounds, Donald Trump says he may leave NATO. This is a thing that's just broken on the news. So maybe this is part of the end of the global system of alliances is over tonight. I think that's what's happening because Kirstarm is also making announcement tomorrow in front of the nation.

So I think it's on. It's something really big is going to happen. And Albo is in the middle of it and it's going to be huge. And look, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. Maybe actually he's going to announce that Australia is going to war. But he's going to do something, Dom. Well, Charles.

That's what's clear about this announcement tonight. Yeah, I mean, it might be that fuel restrictions start tomorrow, that we all work from home. And that we all have to start pulling together like it's a wartime crisis. That's right. You can't go to work. We'll go back to having the kids at home. There'll be no more school. We're back to COVID-era settings.

It's COVID begins April the 2nd. Unfortunately, it's my daughter's birthday party. But if that's sacrifice she's got to make, she's got to cancel it now. Cancel it now. Cancel it before. You even hear what Alba has to say. I think that's a responsible thing to do. I mean, it could be, I mean, it could be.

something else. It could be a massive announcement of investment in renewable. Like, it could be saying, you know, actually, if we supercharge our wind farms and our solar farms, get our battery power out, you know, maybe do some homegrown battery manufacturing. No more fuel. The end of the fuel. Yeah, that could be like the end of petrol. It could be the beginning of the end of petrol and a sort of pivot to a more sustainable future. Hang on. Yeah. Charles, you know what often happens when someone calls a snap meeting at work. I don't know if this happened to you. Oh, resigning. He might be resigned. This is what happened.

Not too long ago, a colleague of mine, perhaps, a colleague of mine announced, we're having a quick team meeting in an hour. We had a quick team meeting. We're like, what's going on? And it was a resignation. He was out of there. Right. The prime minister may be stepping down, Charles. It could be. Jody's pregnant, putting you out there? A snap election? Could it be a snap election? Well, it's got to be something big. I don't think an election. is big enough.

No, you're right. Oh, a government of national unity with Angus Taylor. And Paul and Hanson. And Paul and Hanson, of course, yes, and the Greens. As treasurer. Paul and Hanson is treasurer. Of course, naturally. It's got to be something of that ilk, doesn't it?

Because this is a crisis. It's a cost of living crisis. The Greens would take Minister for Agriculture. Farming. You imagine. Yeah. So, all right, I'm ready. I think I'm ready.

Are we going to look at it? Are we going to look at the announcement? Just let's take some more ads. and then while the ads are on, we'll just find out what the Prime Minister has to say. We will not hold back from our instant analysis. Whatever Australians need to know, we will tell us. And we're going to be in for the long haul here.

Like, we're going to have to do a big, deep dive into this. If this is the day, Charles, when our lives change forever, we will rise to the challenge. We want to be there. We want to be there with you, the whole way. Yep. Less news Less often

Okay, so should we just I've just looked at the You got the text there Should we just Should we just say goodbye? Well, just did anything jump out at you Charles from this? People are doing it tough

People are doing it tough At the server on the supermarket We will deal with these challenges We're making more fuel Australia Australia Okay well that was a great episode Of the Chase Report Have a lovely weekend.

We'll be back next Tuesday. Enjoy Easter. Everything's fine. And Charles, I think we might see National Address number seven in the not two distant future. This has to be an April full stoke. This cannot be true. Like, this can't. Because it says Address of the Nation 1st of April.

This has to be the biggest April fullstoke of it. This is not. This is the worst national address. This is less than what Scott Morrison said. This is three minutes and 17 seconds. That could have been an email. Could have been a text message. It could have been a skywriter.

Just going chill. I know the most momentous thing he said in the whole speech was enjoy your Easter. Wait a minute. This doesn't even make any sense. You're hitting the road. Don't take more fuel than you need. Just fill up like you normally would. What?

When you're hitting the road, you fill up. That's what you do. So the message is, my fellow Australians, it's all come together. I have to tell you, don't do anything that you wouldn't ordinarily do. Fucking fuck. We've got to go, Dom. We can't. This is, there's nothing.

Like, this episode has been longer than his address was. It was three and a half minutes. By a factor of about four times. Okay. Well, look, Charles, enjoy your Easter. And I gather things are okay-ish. Is that, well, we've, fuck, this is just, you know the really sad thing about this? Can we just be honest?

Yeah. We've had internet problems. We've had to record this several times. So we've actually been talking about the address for about 25 minutes now. Just go away. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of this. I'll see you.

Will I see you next week after Easter? Oh, no. We're taking school holidays off, maybe. Oh, we do. We take school holidays off in the Chaser Report. Yeah, we'll see it a couple weeks. Yeah. Oh, no, if there's a crisis, Charles, even more moment to say.

In this one, we may come back. I can't imagine that we will, but, you know, yeah, you're right. Yeah, big times. Enjoy your Easter. Have some chocolate eggs for me. We're part of the Oconicless Network. Get you after the school, all of those.