The Chaser Report - The 170 Million Dollar Man

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

Aleksa brings all the juicy ICAC gossip after watching all of Gladys’s hearings and reading all her text messages. Meanwhile the team discuss the news that Emmanuel Macron accused Scott Morrison of lying, and Lachlan has been sponsored by a below-the-belt shaving company. Plus a spooky Halloween tale. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or, as Martin Luther King Jr. once said, I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake, or my life man, fucks sake. Good man that Martin Luther King. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Tuesday the 2nd in November. Charles Firth, Dom Knight and Gabby Bolt here. Hello.

Hello. And Gabby, you're back in Bathurst. You made it out of Sydney for your hometown. Yeah, and I'll tell you what, the traffic report lied. They said, expect Christmas level traffic. So we left super early, and I'll tell you what, no one was to go to Bathurst this week, apparently. I don't know why.

It's the rural hot spot of Australia. Gabby, not wanting to impugn your car or anything. Yeah. But do you think maybe it could be because they see your trashy Holden from about 1972 or whenever it was made? Okay, 1999. Yeah, exactly. 1972.

And they just give it a wide berth. They just go, oh, you know, maybe we'll pull over for a little while. Oh, do you think Google Maps goes, Gabby's car's a shitbox? We're in two hours. We shouldn't be shaming Gabby's car. But there is a lot of lying around, isn't there? There's a lot of falsehoods. Yeah.

And Emmanuel Macron, the French president, has absolutely fired up at Scott Morrison. Let's have a listen. Do you think he lied to you? I don't think. I know. Morrison was saying it was all fine and they were friends again. That may also be untrue, I'm thinking, judging by the tone of that. I think there's a huge problem in Australian politics, which is that the Libs are now so used to Murdoch just spinning a good yarn that everything went fine domestically, that you go

overseas, suddenly Murdoch's not there to protect you and spin everything, and you have to actually encounter reality. So suddenly your lies actually have consequences. stuff of that. On tomorrow's podcast, we're actually talking to Sean Kelly about Scott Morrison. He's done a very detailed psychological profile about PM's relationship with the truth. But the other thing is, did you see that Joe Biden also dropped scomo in it this week? He was just like, I had no idea, Mr Macron, that it hadn't been discussed. But Dom, don't you think that, like, so Macron and Biden, like, we're on different sides of the deal,

they both have the exact same account of what happened. Do you think maybe Morrison is the one to be lying? Is it? Well, he says he's not. He's denied that he's lying. Which is a bit of a catch-22, because if he's a liar, then he's lying about that too. And if he's not lying, then he's not lying about it. Which is it, Gabby? Can we believe the PM? From what I've learnt from the amazing stories of girls getting together when the same guy's been cheating on the two of them, can I just say, this is textbook, the guy's a cheater, and the girls are going to become best friends and make three movies, okay? Because, I've seen this before. Every teenage girl has seen this before. We know how it ends. So Biden and Macaron are going to team up, and then Scomo's going to have like a movie about him, like John Tucker Must Die, kind of film, like a rage film.

And, yeah, it's just, it's going to be great for the rom-com industry. So Skomo is a bad boyfriend, is what you're saying. Yeah, he's a cheating fuck boy, essentially. So that's my takeaway. Like, you've actually somehow made him more appealing. Certainly racier than I ever thought Skomo would be. Yeah, well, it's a movie. I could pitch it.

We'll get Matt Damon to play Scott Morrison. It'll be great. I'm having a crisis of confidence here, Gabby. So if you're saying we can't trust Scott Morrison, is it possible that his whole line that climate change is solved because technology is magically going to save Australia and we don't have to do anything? Could that also be untrue? Is that possible?

Surely not. I'm sad to report, but yeah, one of the many traits of a fuck boy is telling you what you want to hear. And unfortunately, I just feel like we've been burnt by this kind of guy before. On today's show, Alexer has been listening to the ICAC hearings in New South Wales. And they, I mean, even if you find New South Wales politics to be the most boring thing in the world, this is salacious. This is just genuinely good, terrible, terrible testimony from the former Premier and Saviour of Australia,

Gladys Perrigal. I can't wait for the telemovee, frankly. And we've got a lot to say about Halloween. I was devastated, by the way, things went down on Sunday evening. Halloween's not meant to make you feel good. It's meant to scare you. Didn't scare me enough, but we'll get to that right after Rebecca Dina. I'm in the Chaser Newsroom.

Just a moment. Australia will achieve net zero later this year after it was decided to harness the embarrassment caused by Scott Morrison to power Australia. Scientists said the embarrassment caused by the Prime Minister was so powerful and unending that it could power all of Australian industry indefinitely. Former New South Wales Premier Gladys Berrigelian says she didn't think it was suss that her former boyfriend, Darrell Maguire, told her to write all her love letters in Invisible Ink.

Berejiklian said she just assumed that Maguire was a private person and that it was perfectly normal for lovers to use elaborate, untraceable, encrypted methods of communication to send innocent sweet nothings. Former shadow minister Tim Smith has been left devastated after he has been blocked from the democratic right to vote in the upcoming election as he will not be able to produce a driver's licence. This comes after Smith suffered a car crash at the weekend and then tested 0.131 on a breath test.

However, his car crash has been described as minor compared to the car crash that is Scott Morrison's trip to Glasgow. That's the latest news you can't trust. Remember to subscribe to the podcast on your podcast app of choice. Dana Muno, and I'm hoping they commission a second season of ICAC. Perfect weekday viewing. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or, as Einstein once said,

Where's the lamb sauce? It's fucking raw! Well, even if you're not based in New South Wales, everyone loves a good soapy, don't it? Of course. And the ICAC hearings, which is the Anti-Corruption Commission, here in New South Wales have been nothing, if not a massive soap opera in the last couple of weeks. Charles, are you going to say anything bad about Gladys because she was done wrong.

Wrong was done to her, Charles. You don't understand what it's like. You sound like Gabby. So we've got Alexa here to run us through. He's actually been listening to the hearings and he's going to run through some of the juicier, more salacious bits. Hashtag team, Gladys, you'd be careful what you say, Alexa. It's probably the most excited.

a couple of days in my life. I love voyeurism. All I want to do is read through people's love messages. But it's frowned upon for some reason, right? Yeah, that's weird. I think it's like none of my business. Because they actually recorded all their conversations, didn't they? They recorded, like, hours and hours, like hundreds of hours of conversations between the premiere at the time, Gletters Berrigalikl, and her lover at the time.

Secret lover, Darryl. Daryl's such a great name for his shit boyfriend, isn't it? I just hate that. That's his name. For a secret lover, like, you expect his name to be, like, Lorenzo or something. And then it's just fucking Darrell. It's just such a disappointment. It's absolutely wild.

But I think, like, at the start of it, her original defense for why she's innocent of corruption is that her relationship with Dazza wasn't serious enough to disclose as a conflict of interest, you know, but it turns out that it's like much more serious than we originally thought. So they're showing us all her text messages caught, which is very, very entertaining. Including the sex or without. That, you've got to pay a premium for that one. Oh, shit.

There was a private hearing actually yesterday, so maybe it'll get a note. That's going to be released later. So, yeah, he texts her saying he's her biggest supporter and she replies, You are my family. Oh. What in the Lion King? It's a pretty, pretty hectic stuff. Maybe she doesn't like her family and keeps a madame's length at all time.

But no, they were doing so much together. They're like talking about getting married, having children. They shared house keys. I don't even let my wife have the house key. Pretty serious. Yeah, here's what she says about her relationship. As at the 12th of April 2018, you regarded Mr. McGuire as part of your family, correct? I had very strong feelings for him, yes.

Does he answer my question, yes? No, I did not regard him as a member of my family. I had strong feelings for him. Yeah, she's kind of dancing around the thing. It was quite a funny zinger from the counsellor at the end. He pretty much says, so when you say you're my family, you actually mean you're not family. So what she is, she talks the talk, but there's no way he's meeting her mum, basically.

And I think if you were dating a dazzer, that would be the line you'd take, too. I don't even know if I'm sad because of the whole corruption angle, or if I'm sad because it's just kind of like those high school movies where, like, the cheerleader falls in love with the geek, and she's ashamed of their relationship. So, like, behind the bleachers, she's like, I love you. And then in front of her friends, she's like, I don't know this man. Like, I just think it's kind of sad. But, you know, it also has a lot of money involved, which is something you can't say about a lot of American high schoolers.

I mean, that's the thing. It's even more exciting when the money comes in because so far it's just an argument about whether there was a conflict of interest. Then all this really juicy stuff comes out about her just giving him $170 million out of thin. What do you mean? When you're in a new, oh, we're a defender. When you're in a new relationship, you want to get something nice for the partner. Yeah, like, I don't know, a piece of jewelry or like, I don't know, a stuffed bear. I would, I, does anyone want to date me and give me $170 million?

Jesus. You're just dating the wrong people, Gabby. I'm pretty sure Dom's paid $170 million to get some people to go out with him. My boyfriend's been doing it all wrong. I've been with that guy for eight years and I've never seen a dime. Well, this is, this is how it's done, right? So, um, McGuire calls his partner Gladys and he's really upset. Um, he wants $170 million to build a hospital in his electorate of Wagga Wagga,

but Liberal Party just won't give it to him. Is that because, is that because Wogg is a country town and $17 million buys a big hospital? That's probably, yeah, I think that's what it is. But anyway, he calls up his partner of five years and Gladys says she'll fix it. I'll do with it. I'll fix it.

So, somebody's people, honest to cry. I'll fix it. So, wait a minute, so that was $170 million. I, when I honestly thought when I heard that clip on the radio, that they were talking about $170,000 because it's said with that sort of level of casualness, isn't it? She sounds really poor, oh, fix it, just shut up at your hospital. Like, shut up, bet you, you, I'll get you another, you know,

sticker for the back of it or whatever. Yeah, I thought she'd taken a page out of Christopher Pines book with that whole I'll fix it thing. It's a bit... It's just a Liberal Party motto, I think. Yeah. But then, even crazy, just two hours later, she comes back with this phone call when the job's done.

I just spoke to Dom and I said, just put the 140 in the budget. He goes, no worries. He just, that's what I ask him to. It's just meant to be 170. What, he really is, 170. I said, I think it's around 140. I said, just put it in. He's putting it in whatever it is, okay?

I'm sorry, why are they discussing this the way that my housemates and I discuss paying rent? That's amazing. Once again, Team Gladys, she's organized $140 million. I wanted $170. I hope he put out that night. No, but also the person who she told to give the money was Dom, who is... Me. Who's the current premiere, which is just like a constant chain of dodginess.

Like each premier is writing out the next one. Now, being Team Gladys, as you know, I am. Of course. She says it was always in the budget for years before and that she's... Well, I kind of like the idea that the money was always there. And she's going, I'm really cool. I told the treasurer to just do it. And then you did it.

So she's just boasting. She's just boasting about something that was going to happen anyway. Why did Darrell, two hours before, go, it's not in the budget anymore? I don't know. I mean, I think I'm partially on Dom's side in that I think it's weird that she's getting brought down for this. I thought Gladys did just much worse things outside of this corruption, you know, like gutting health care, cutting to the RFS and all these horrible things.

I thought like corruption might be actually a good thing in retrospect because like the liberals are all about austerity and cuts. Yes. But in Wogger, they're building a hospital. Yes. And it's like all you need is just a little bit of love, you know, between two MPs and suddenly the Libs are investing in public services. And all you need is for the Premier to fall in love with somebody

who's actually in a place that needs a hospital. Yeah, that's all we need. And then you'd have a perfect system. Well, the craziest part, and it just baffles me so much, is that they were having all these conversations while he was being investigated. So it actually leaked a phone call from when McGuire told her that he's being investigated. You sound very excited in your voice. What's happened today?

What's happened? What happened was I've been subpoenaed to go to ICAC, some of the ICACs. So that's exciting. What? I thought it was such a classic response. What? It's like that sound you make when you really like don't give a shit, but you need to pretend that it's serious.

Oh my God, that's crazy. IAC. I mean, how did that happen? In Gladys' defence, she does sound seriously bored at this point. Whereas he also, I mean, he's not looking like the greatest boyfriend. If you're going to have a bit on the side, like, this guy's a total dipshit. There's a liability. She could do so much better.

I think the main crime here is that, like, none of us have gotten into her family. That's the big issue. I think, like, in full disclosure, I'm Serbian, and the Serbian community has been working on this. She's a very important figure within the community within the Orthodox Church She's actually a godmother to a bunch of Serbian kids

Gladys? Yeah, yeah. She christened them in a Serbian Orthodox church and... Oh my God. So the Armenians and the Serbs get along, do they?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Alexa, are you telling us that you've been christened by Gladysburg-Gladus Berejiklian? It's something I'm working on because I haven't been christened yet and I'm saving it for the big girl. Well, look, all I'm going to say

is I've listened to all this audio If Gladys is guilty, it's only of loving too much. Do they do christenings in jail? That's my only hope now. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes. Or as Mother Teresa said, Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Good voice that mother Teresa

Lockland has an ongoing mission to become the world's most sponsored podcast host and Lockland's actually brought some gear into the studio Lockland what on earth is this stuff you've got here Yeah so sponsor number four's arrived And this one's quite a fun one This one comes from the kind folks At Nutbags grooming

Nutbags is it a beautiful bag of like freshly roasted nuts Yeah well it's a beautiful bag And we've all got one but these ones Does Gabby have one? Gabby, I'm sure we'll be happy to have involvement in today's sponsor. My balls are so hairy. Is this a razor to shave your balls? So, yeah, for our listeners who aren't able to look at the products we've got before us at the moment,

Nutbags are a group who create shavers and razors specifically for below the belt grooming. Well, yeah, the only ones in Australia who make it anyway. Except for manscaped. Who also make them? They're not Australian. Oh, my God. Yeah, so we're keeping local. Look, we all need a shave, and it's not always easy to get the right equipment for the job.

So I kind of want one of these razors myself, because I'm a very hairy fellow, as you can see. No, you're not. Can you show us? I do not understand this obsession with being hairless below the build. Like, I grew up. You're all about being hairless above the belt child. But it's a, and I think it's a generational thing. Did they have blow jobs back in your day?

Or is that just like a recent invention? I'm married. There's no such thing as blow jobs in my life. Hi, Angus, hi Hartley. So there's a two things here. So there's a trend of shaving downstairs. But I'm here to tell you that when you are associated as me, which is my one gift in life,

and it's a gift I did not want, and have tried to return to centre on many occasions. You have to do it. It gets to the point where you just have to. Otherwise, it becomes impossible. Oh, wow. To even sort of get in. Oh, yeah, no, everything's invisible.

It's the Amazon at that if you don't do anything. Wow, okay. I would argue that it's not like you're going to lose it. No, but is it my understanding. standing is, and I've never done it, but doesn't it get really itchy? Isn't it all itchy? And that's if you do it wrong. It does get itchy if you're not doing it properly.

And that is actually where our sponsor comes in because these guys have, No, I'm using the wrong stuff. I'm going to do it. What I don't understand is what the difference is, I own every shaving product other than this in the world. Like I, something new comes out, the one with the built-in vacuum, bought that day one. Every shaver that you can possibly have I own, why do you need one specially for your balls? You shouldn't touch anything that touches your balls

than touch your face with it. See, I hate this because there are a lot of companies that have come out and been like, you can't use the same shaver on your balls in your face because there's different bacteria and stuff. And I'm like, my balls are kept in like a sterile cloth pouch all day. Like, I don't know. I have one for both.

And I think everything else is trying to steal your money. Alexa, kindly, you smell like ball sack. Yeah. But that might be, that's pheromone. His face pheromone. I'm just drawing a drawer. line in the sand and say that I need all of these products as a charity case. Like my body is ridiculous.

I have no hair on my head and hair everywhere else. So in front of us, we've actually got a nutbag's facial razor. You're classic old-fashioned razor. See, I would love this. I like a barber-star razor, yeah. I actually have one of those razors. And the reason that they're great is because no need to steal the thunder here, Loughlin, but they're very environmentally friendly and you don't have to buy as many

plastic razors. So it's a good, conscious purchase. if you are to get one. The other thing they've sent us is a hardware kit, so we've got clippers and trimmers and some nail files. Is there a drill? Yeah, I love when it's like a male, like, body maintenance. It always has to be like hardware.

I'm doing renovations on my dick. Yeah. Get out the knob chainsaw. Also, the third thing they've sent us is a wonderful, waterproof, rechargeable electric razor. Now, this one is the one that's specifically for your nads. It looks great. It does.

It's a nice design. It's rechargeable, all that stuff. Now, I only asked for one because I was being selfish. But nutbags went behind my back and sent us two kits of them. How nice of them? Well, I suppose nutbags come in pairs. I've gone and taken one of these home. I don't need two.

All right. You don't need one, Lachlan. So who wants this second razor? Well, I've been using that or wait, this one or wait. Does anyone else want us? Yeah, I think I'm good. Yeah. I mean, if you've been using it, no thank you.

You can have it, Charles. I got no use for these ones. It's a bit too noisy. I feel like back in the day when I used to cut my pubs in high school, we would just like do a little snip and then blow it at people in class. And this would just ruin the entire thing because you'll know whether it's coming. Well, there is a pair of scissors in the hardware kit you've got there. If you're more interested in a stealthy sort of approach.

I'd love the hardware kit if they're any other takers. Well, I mean, as the person with the biggest balls on this team, I wouldn't mind having the ridiculous nutbag shaver. If nothing else, just to have that sense of power and superiority above the office, like, ha, ha, I don't even need this. Okay, Gabby. But I think that's a very good reason, Loughlin. You shouldn't give it to Gabby.

Charles, you can have it on the condition that you use it on your hair and give yourself the buzz cut you've needed for about five years. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by incorrectly attributed quotes, Or, as Hulk Hogan once said. Grab a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy. Give me everything you've got for this wet-ass pussy. Wrestling, it's a very wet sport. Just before we go, and Alex, I want to raise this with you as well.

I was really disappointed by Halloween on Sunday night. It's taken me a day to recover. Did you not get much candy from trick-or-treating, Dom? No, there's candy. This is the thing that gets me, is that when I remember going trick-or-treating in years five or six, and it was after dark, and we got up to a whole bunch of tricks. Like, I mean, the wild kids that I ran with back in those days, they would egg houses, they would put potatoes in the exhausts of cars.

Even windows got broken. Like, there were genuinely some tricks going on. And all that I saw was all in daylight hours and was just kids coming up and being polite and taking one piece of candy, not one piece of property in our whole suburb was destroyed. Where are the tricks on Halloween? It sucks. It's dull and it's boring. Your complaint is that there was a lack of vandalism.

Yes. That there was too much joy in the street. Yes. And kids laughing and smiling and parents chatting with each other. Like, aren't you supposed to traditionally in America, like, play mailbox baseball and stuff on Halloween? You meant to go wild? It's supposed to be a bit of sort of rebellion going on. I remember as a kid.

You're forgetting a crucial thing, guys. You're forgetting that there's been a two-year-long worldwide pandemic. These kids are just happy to be outside. That's probably true. But I remember as a kid, like, painting silly string all over a sandstone wall. Yeah, but you were a horrible kid. Yeah. And that actually left stains.

It left stains on the wall for like three years on a heritage wall, and I felt very guilty. But that wasn't Halloween. That was just a normal Wednesday. Where are the kids going wild on Halloween? It's just, I think it's too boring. No, I think they are still going wild. It's just been outsourced. I think the treats are here.

The tricks are actually overseas. So, yeah, there's been a bit of a spooky Halloween in Japan. essentially this guy got on a train dressed as the Joker everyone else is dressed in Halloween costumes are all going to the city and the guy just takes out a knife

and stabs 17 people Whoa! I know that that's not what I was going for What do you mean? I was no I was going for like pranks, eggs, potatoes and eggs not stabbing. It wasn't just stabbing

it was a prank too he lit a fire on the train as well like that's a spooky fire The craziest part is because everyone was it was Halloween everyone was just going to the city to party.

And so one of the witnesses said, I thought it was a Halloween stunt. You know, he just keep the people screaming. Yeah, because there's so much fake blood. Yeah. You just go, oh, that's really convincing. It's the perfect hell of work. I mean, I would have thought it was one of those knives, you know, the knife that it's sort of fold into itself and doesn't hurt you?

Yeah. What happened? Did he kill 17 people? Well, I think that's why he got to 17 is because everyone just assumed it was a great, a great play. Oh, you're playing a stabber. Oh, that's a great costume. It's the perfect.

crime. That's when we should commit all our crime. Thank you, Dom, for that suggestion. I mean, I did want things to be a bit more macarra, but I think this is, you know, mass death is perhaps a little too far. Did anyone die? Did they die? No one died. Well, I was going for a kind of jolly talk about how the kids today are a bit lame and just want lollies and it got dark. I suppose as I requested. I thought that's what you wanted. No offence. I'm not actually going to mention the sponsors at this point that we normally do. I'll do it. We're sponsored by road all of our stuff by road did you know that we have road stuff all of our stuff's road i don't know if you knew that and then a cast also give us money so happy halloween do they sponsorships we're

part of the a cast creator network until they disavow us based on this song session