The Chaser Report - The 6:57 News | Mark Humphries

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Dom Knight is joined by brand new Channel Seven employee, Mark Humphries, who explains all his processes to his new satirical news segment on the network. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report with Dom, without Charles. And look, we've had a series of upgrades in the past week or so. We've had an award-winning satirist in Dan Illich. We've had an academic expert in Associate Professor David Smith. But today we have a man who is, as of today, officially a real newsman. It's Mark Humphreys who debuts tonight.

on seven news. Yes, in an actual news bulletin, Mark, I'm honoured that you've made time for us today. Oh, look, I've always, I've still got time for the little people, Dom, and now that I'm at the commercial network, but yes, so tonight's segment, it's the 6.57 p.m. News is the name of the segment. It is at 6.57 p.m. So that's, it allows you to know when to either tune in or to avoid it, depending on your preference. Very, very good. I'm assuming it will also be on. social media are I strongly expect. So the writer thing, no matter where you are in this big brown land of ours, the local seven news will be taken over by Mark Humphreys at 657.

This is so cool. I mean, we parodied in CNN and the idea of, you know, sort of satire breaking into a real TV network, but it wasn't really done. I don't think anyone's ever done this before, Mark. Well, that's it. I think you guys, you guys are trailblazers. And that's the thing. I think it's the generation that came up watching the chase that now is a,

acting it out for real. So, you know, today, tonight, 6.57 p.m. tomorrow of the world. I think if I'll start, yeah, I'll start with three minutes, but if I can seep through the entire program, then I think we'll be on to a good thing. This is the objective, I guess, is to progressively take up more time until the news itself is a bit at three minutes, and Humphreys begins at, what, 633. You'll have to change it over the segment. Six 57, six 57, folks. There you go, 637. You don't need to watch any of the rest of the news. And I'm really looking forward to catching that audience that's

tuning in for the events of Summer Bay, that home and away audience tuning in at 7. If I can give them it's a little

bit of political satire, I think that'll be a good overlap. That is excellent. And perhaps what you should do is as it progresses.

So you'd have the 657 update with yourself, then an ad break. And I'd love it if after that there was a sort of a 703 hosted by

you from Summer Bay just a sort of transition. So you could do, I don't know, the entertainment news. You could tell us

what's happening at the diner in summer bay. I think yes, absolutely right. I think, yeah, no, I think it's not enough. Because that's the extraordinary thing as well is that the home and away studio is right next door to the seven news studio. It's all shot out of the one area. Oh my gosh. It's so easy to achieve. Oh my God. I think a walk-on is absolutely on the cards. Absolutely. All right. Let's get into today's news, though, after this. And despite the new home at Channel 7, Mark, you are still doing what you do best. You're still doing satirical news of

the week of the day, whatever it might be. And there's been a bit of a smorgasbord this week as we get further into election mode and rather awkward topics come up, Mark, and I'm keen to get your thoughts on it. What should former Prime Ministers do? Because it's been suggested that Malcolm Turnbull might have been a little bit

undignified when he popped up on the project on the weekend and said this. Well, he's a thug. And he, look, Peter's got one tune that he plays. I mean, it's been all his political life. and that is division and animosity, generally targeted at immigrants. It is really, I couldn't think of anyone

less suited to be Prime Minister of a multicultural society like Australia. Calling Peter Dutton a thug. Is that a compliment in Peter Dutton's world, Mark Humphreys, or is that an insult? Isn't that a sign of a good police officer? Isn't that what you're looking for in the Queensland Police Department?

I don't know. But I was surprised by the pushback because this is not the first time Turnbull has said this. He said it on Nemesis. They did the one word game of, what's one word you would use to describe Peter Dutton? And he said, Thug then. So I don't know why, what the big fuss is it about now.

He said it on a commercial network, Mark. People were listening. Oh, that's the different. Of course. Sorry, you're right. That's a good lesson for me tonight. Yes. That it carries a different weight when you say it to,

yes, that's right. Okay, that's good to know. But, because, yeah, he said it at the time, and I remember laughing watching Nemesis and hearing him say Thug, And I got the sense that when Turnbull said it on the project, was that sort of thing where he knew that people liked that he said that. And so it was sort of like, he's like, I know, I know what people. It's almost like it was his catchphrase.

It was like, just, you know, say the catchphrase coming now. That's that. Yeah, it's say the line. And so he gave people what they wanted. And I think it's refreshing. I've always loved and admired former PMs for their ability to slag current events and people off from the sideline. I think it's a rich part of our democracy, and I wouldn't change it for a second.

Because it's been really interesting seeing just how heavily, I guess, the usual suspects have gone into bat against Turnbull over this. I mean, I was at a cafe just now, and I say this to explain why I happened to see the front cover of the Australian newspaper, which is something very few people see is the actual print front cover of the Australian newspaper on actual newsprint. And it had this graphic, you know, at the top of the page right under the masthead, the incredible shrinking Malcolm Turnbull. It had, I think Andrew P. Street, wrote a book with a very similar name, actually, so he should probably sue them. But I'd had three increasingly small images of Malcolm Turnbull, and the idea is that he's demeaning himself in his former PM status by getting stuck in to Peter Dutton. But this is the thing is what our former PM is supposed to do.

Malcolm Turnbull, I'm surprised we haven't had him on this podcast, actually. It's not hard to get him to talk. I mean, he's been on very many podcasts, I think. He loves chatting about the past. I don't know if you subscribe. He's got his own podcast, which has a new season out at the moment. Does it? Oh, that's the one for listener.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he talks about leadership and stuff. Democracy. And, yeah, no, he's dropped four episodes in the last week. I'm having a fantastic time. But, the Turnbull's very funny. I ran into him once at, it was the night after it had been announced that I was leaving 7.30. It was the same week where, remember, I think his name was Yevgeny Pugosian, who had tried to kind of launch this coup against

Yes, from the Wagner group. That's it. And then he's plane fell out of a window or something like that. Yes, that's right. Certainly fell out of the sky. Never catch a plane with an opponent of Vladimir Putin. That's just a simple tip. Or go near a window.

And yes, I was at the theatre and I was just getting at the cloakroom after the show and Turnbull was waiting at the same time. And he turned him and he said, oh, Mark, I thought the death of progoshion would be the big news story of the week, but it appears that it's your own untimely departure. I was like, that's a good line. Sick burn. Sick burn, Mal. It's it. So I'm all for him weighing in on

anything and everything. But this is the whole sort of tragedy of Turnbull, isn't it? That he goes to the theatre and people love the Malcolm Turnbull in the leather jacket on Q&A. Or rather, people who generally voted Labor loved that version of

Turnbull. And when he came in and there's a society who's going to be this great centrist, before it then appeared that he did a deal with Barnaby Joyce as National's leader that he simply couldn't be himself. And, you know, his whole Prime Minister was essentially trying to appease people who hated him and progressively failing to do so. But he's now snapped back to the sort of urbane, witty turnball that we never saw when he was Prime Minister.

Exactly right. And, you know, I think that, yeah, there's a responsibility of former leaders to be that way. I think, you know, to Gillard, Julie Gillard, too, probably to her credit, has chosen to really other than when she did the killing. season, you don't really hear Gilard weigh in on anything. I know, it's disappointing. She's been so dignified and quiet and above the fray. That's it.

It's not, where's the fun in that? I was annoyed that Tony Abbott didn't appear in Nemesis because, you know, I just, I absolutely think that that is sort of, again, a part of our sort of democracy that when a government ends, you get a call from the ABC, everyone has to sit down in a chair in front of a camera. You play these word games, and you get to slag each other off. Yeah. That's the way it should be. It goes back to Hawkeeting, doesn't it?

That whole tradition. It's a time-honored tradition. That's right. And, you know, I still remember the great Macalov sketch sending out, because he had, I think it was like Labor and Power, and then you had the Howard years, and then the Macalph sketch, which was called the Downer Months. That would have been very funny. No, well, they were tumultuous months, those months.

But I don't know. I mean, this is the thing. Paul Keating. is the best at it. You don't hear anything from Keating for months and then suddenly this very vitriolic missive descends from Potts Point in Sydney and slags everybody off. I mean, his stuff on the submarines was absolutely vintage Keating. I mean, the man, I mean, Turnbull wishes he was as good a hater as Paul Keating. I don't know if he likes his friends and family, Paul Keating. I'd imagine getting a Christmas card from Paul Keating.

Oh, God, that's it. Once you see that PJK letterhead, you know you're in trouble. I mean, that, we do need to go back to that for a moment, just that extraordinary press club appearance where it just felt like every member of the press gallery lined up to be basically shot down by keeping. We ended up making, Evan and I made a sketch for the Midwinter Ball that year. Oh, yeah. Which was, it was, you know, because everyone was talking about chat, GPT, and the premise, the sketch was called chat PJK. Oh, nice. And it was like, and it was some sort of thing that journalised.

could use that would absolutely just whenever they were getting too and be for their boots something to just completely destroy them and to their credit every journalist

that had been especially assassinated by Keating participated in it was wonderful but that was I mean that would have been devastating I would never have been able

to if I were one of those journals I would never recover from that isn't that a badge of honour I would love it I mean getting roasted by the best you know the sort of Mr. Flogged by Warren lettuce. I mean, it's just, because the thing is, it's not like he likes anyone, you know,

it's not as though there's something particularly bad that you've done. You've just been a person asking Paul Keating a question and getting eviscerated. I can't imagine what it was like at the breakfast table for the little Keating kids. Just, you know, Dad, can I, can I get some more, some more milk with that or some sugar? Like, no, you ingrate, you absolute disaster. And you just be sitting there going, that really hurts, but what a beautiful use of language. Of course, exactly. And I think even at the breakfast table, he'd be there with his,

but I always love when he comes on 7.30, he comes with notes. He's always holding pieces of paper. So that's how I imagine him at the breakfast table. He's just waving documents and family members to chastise them. He brings receipts, that's right. Now, in a moment I want to talk about Kevin Rudd because this is a sad thing. He's been silenced by his current job. We'll get into that in a second.

None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Continuing the discussion. We had an ad break then, Mark. You know all about those. Of course. On your gig, 6.57 p.m. tonight is when you can see, Mark, debuting on seven news.

And look, Kevin Rudd, this is the strange thing about Kevin Rudd. He's previously never been one to sort of gracefully take on a new job. I still can't quite believe that he was given the job of Foreign Minister, after the whole Rudd-Gillard thing. Never happy, even though it's his favourite thing swanning around to international conferences. I mean, this is his second chance doing something like that, and he seems to actually be enjoying this one.

Him with Assange, I mean, he was absolutely loving every minute of that being on the plane. But at the same time, we lose Kevin Rudd in the media doing weird Kevinisms and slagging off other people. He's had to bite his tongue as ambassador. Oh, yes. I mean, because, of course, with Rudd, everything is sort of a list.

That's what I miss My answer to that is this One And then he'll sort of go through And he'll make it up as he goes along Yeah No, I mean Sorry, it just feels like I'm just

Dropping names at the moment But I Drop away, drop away But Rudd There were a few years ago We did a sketch for 730 Which was a send-up Of the killing season

It was after Shorten had lost The quote unquote Unloosable election And so it was like The killing season two And Sarah Ferguson and narrated it. John Houston appeared in at Sandusie.

He's another guy you can always get is John Hussein. Never PM, but always good for a soundbite. That's right. Sandus DeRy too, actually. Of course. And we were writing this sketch, and our producer said, oh, we're actually interviewing Kevin Rudd tonight for something else. Do you want us to give him some, he'll be in Brisbane,

but do you want us to give him some lines to read out just in case he will do it? And we're like, gosh, sure. Okay, so we wrote some lines for Kevin Rose Deliver, never thinking he would actually do it. And then, of course, not, so, you know, not only did he read the lines that we wrote for him, which were, of course, sort of, you know, mocking him. But he went and then improvised a bunch of even, lines that were even more self-deprecated, and were even funnier than what we'd written. So we just ended up using most of what he said, because he was so comfortable sending himself up.

Was this, did you write the words, these Chinese rat fuckers are trying to rat fuck us? Was that you? I wish I didn't take, oh. That's great for you. No, well, he does have a sense of his humor in that way. But as long as he knows he's getting to be funny, like it's part of the sort of jovial, jovial uncle Kev figure that he enjoys playing so much,

which I'm sure bears very little resemblance to the real man. Yes, I mean, I remember, I think, when Rove had his most recent, the most recent version of the sort of Rove show on Channel 10, Rudd came on and played handball, and it was... Oh, the handball, that's right. The handball thing again. Yes.

So, yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, I, but, yeah, Rudd at it when he, when he lets himself go, you know, when he kind of really rips into people. That's the best, Rudd. That's the best Rudd. And also, because he does it, he tries to make it sound, he tries to make it sound like he's being respectful. He sort of does it in this very, very soft-spoken way. You know, I didn't, I didn't realize Julia had a degree in, you know, psychology or whatever, you know, all that. Yeah.

That kind of stuff. Seathing underneath. You could just see the, sitting. I mean, I just admire Malcolm Turnbull for the ability to drop, and he's always been such a strong media performer, for the ability to drop the word thug, when his brain would have been suggesting various phrases in Latin. He would have been he wanting to reference Thucydides.

And so maybe he was trying to say Thucydides, and his brain cut him off at the first syllable, and the word thug just came out, I'm not sure. That's it. I mean, I was, you know, Morrison obviously just released his book. And I was, which I did not. I mean, I usually read those books. but I drew the line there because most of it I believe involves this God character

and it's just like that's not what I'm I want the dirt I want that it's the opposite isn't it a sort of Christian a Christian sort of apologetics book is going to be anti dirt um we want the we want to know the inner scoma we want to know what happened near the Angadine story of course by which I mean I'm sure that that incident didn't happen I mean when he found out the story I want to know how angry he got. That's right. Exactly. I want to hear the ukulele story.

I want to know what it was like to spear tactile a child and, you know, a week out from an election. Because I'm obsessed with that footage. It's an amazing bit of footage. It's great because he holds onto the child slightly too long, which is, I've always interpreted it as he knows at the moment he lets go of the child. He has to reckon with the fact that he's just being a shackled a child. As long as he's holding onto the child, he doesn't have to face the child. real world. That's true. Although it was lovely of his office team to later that day, give him a little statue of a child saying, I stopped these. Well done. Which was... Very good. There you go.

One of my favorite moments in the Morrison leadership. Well, look, just before you go, Mark, and get back to the new Satterr Labs there at Channel 7, can you give us a bit of a taste of what you've got in store? I gather this is going to be a bit of a different format from the... I mean, usually we've seen you sort of striding through a street or a park or something. nobly sort of high or in a sort of corridor at the ABC nobly sort of wallpaping over the lack of set and budget at the national broadcaster or at SBS. I mean that was always the fun thing of

you know heaven forbid any time that we would write a sketch that had lines for anyone else you know if I could not get an actor in time and that was most weeks you know I would find myself you know tapping on the door of the ABC accountants people, archivists. Yeah, worst of all, Charles was on several. That's it. I know you're not doing well when you have to tap Firth, yeah.

And just like, just praying that this person who works in ABC Archives can deliver a line. And to their credit, a lot of them could. But so this will be much less stressful for me from a production standpoint when, because 730 we were making, you know, film trailers and fake ads and press conferences, all those sorts of things. this is me at a desk. It's sort of more traditional news parody. So I'll be at one of the same news I get a desk. Have you got a security pass as well? I get it. It's funny you say that. Someone is still having to escort me in and out of the building at all times at the moment. So I don't think they're so sure. That I totally trust you yet. Okay. That's good. It's good to be on the edge. Very good. That's right. And so yes, it'll be more that sort of setting up throwing to clips and

headlines and quotes and, you know, making some rye observations. Very good. So, you know, we'll see how we go. And is it, uh, is it on your preferred fortnightly schedule or are we doing it a bit more than what's the, what's the plan? Or is it just today for the time being. It is, sadly it is weekly.

It is, yes, I've doubled my workload. So yes, every Friday, I want to say every Friday, it could be just could just be this Friday and that's the end of the current plan as of the time of recording is for Mark Humphreys to appear on every Channel 7 station. No matter what the news is that precedes that the local news will end. Mark Humphreys will arrive at 657pm on a Friday night and presumably on social media shortly thereafter.

Well, it's going to be a wild ride. It's great to see a satirist. A, can I just say being hired by a commercial network? Because that happens. That's extraordinary. Was the last one, Sean McAuliffe at Channel 9, probably? Well, exactly. You know, with McAuliffe tonight.

The story I always love about that that Sean tells is how, you know, because McAulff Tonight was a variety show. show and he had come off the back of doing three seasons of the McCallach program on the ABC and nine apparently said to him, so you'll do interviews, which is fine because obviously you know, you did interviews on the McAuliffe program, so no concerns there. And Sean was sort of like, yeah, but didn't you notice that all of the interviews were with Wayne Hope? No, they didn't. They didn't at all. That's right. Well, look, it's been a fascinating trend respect, etc.

it's going to commercial stations and lasting for a very short period of time I think also of Denton's time at Channel 7. A proud tradition. But we'll see if you can outlast them. Look, it's great to see them trying something new. It's great to see you actually doing what you do and getting the chance to actually make more stuff.

So that's the important thing is you're back in business. But it all begins tonight. You can say whenever it ends, possibly at 701 p.m. tonight, you were there for Mark. freezes debut on Channel 7. Thank you very much for making the time for your old pals here at The Chaser Report. We'll catch you another time.

Thank you. I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more of me. It's all over, whatever that may be. We'll still be here wanting to chat to you. Our gear is from Roeb with part of the iconic class network and we'll catch you next week.