The Chaser Report - The Audacity of Abandoning Hope

Episode Date: April 3, 2023

Charles gives some advice to Peter Dutton that he learned from his marriage. Meanwhile Dom knows the secret to beating Russia at war. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. We're sponsored by Roadbeck, giving us one of their fancy new Roadcaster 2s, and somehow he's activated Monster Mode just for his mic. But I don't know how to turn it off. Just Chris and just rename it. I know how to do it, I just don't want to. Ready?

There you go. Oh, thank fucking cross. I like that guy. That co-host had gravitas. Welcome to The Chaser Report. I think that was the John Laws setting, actually. Lawsie. Lawsie.

Now, Dom, huge show today. Yes. Because we should talk about politics. There's a lot going on over the weekend and everything like that. But I want to tell you a little anecdote first about my own life. Okay. Does it explain why, for the second day in a row, I've seen you with your shirt unbuttoned halfway down? Oh, yeah, baby.

Okay. Actually, they got no to, we had a party over the weekend and all the women were particularly titillated by my cleavage. They don't happen when I'd wear my shirt on button anymore. You know who told me to not wear too many buttons. Oh, Dick and Jenna. Oh, that's them trolling you again. Anyway, this is our friends free.

We'll have to get them on podcast again. They're in their 20s, so they understand fashion and trolling. And making fun of you. Yeah, okay. So what's the big news? What's going on? No, this is ancient history, Dom. But I think it goes a lot to explain a lot of things that's going on in politics at the moment.

Oh, okay. So a few years ago, my wife and I, we've been married for 23 years, you know, ran into a little bit of a rough patch, right? As all couples do. Like, I don't think it's sort of oversharing to sort of say. Until you unbuttoned your shirt and then anyway. Yeah, and suddenly everything's good again. And so we did a big couples counseling. I did some counseling, she did some counseling and everything like that.

And what we decided was that our marriage was fucked, right? Yeah, right. Okay. And my position was, I just don't think I should change. Like, I don't think it should change. Her position was, she's not going to change. Right. And then everything got better and it was all fixed, right?

Okay, so hang on. I'm beginning to see just the tiniest glimmer of a torturous political analogy here relating to the Aston by-election. But go on. So the way that you dealt with it was you worked through a bunch of issues, decided not to address them in any way. We identified tons of things which we had to change about ourselves to make ourselves like each other more and ourselves,

like to love ourselves more. Yeah, so it'd be more comfortable in your own skin, so to speak. Yes, to be more true to ourselves and things like that. And we just decided, let's not do anything at all different. And then it all solved itself. Right. So you put all these things. out on the table.

I can just imagine a massive... I mean, if you and I own through this process, Charles, there'd be a very lot of things on the table. And I haven't been married to you for 23 years. And you just left them on the table. So there's a table somewhere with all these things on it. And you've just abandoned the table. Yes, that's right.

And it totally works. I've never heard this as an approach to marriage counselling. I thought you had to resolve things and talk through and find common ground. No, that's a common myth. Oh, okay. So you're saying you don't need common ground. What you need is just, is it, are you repressing it? you how does it work do you know what you do is you just go on miserable right like so you just

like we still don't like each other we get grumpy at each other we're sort of just constantly bickering it's just horrible the whole thing is miserable but it is good to acknowledge that you're not going to change because you know as you remember i'm thinking if we're going to do political analogies barack obama for instance coming in hope changed the audacity of hope Yes. Charles, you don't need that. No, no. He didn't deliver a tiny fraction of what he wanted to do, right?

Yes. Yes, exactly. If he'd gotten elected and said, ah, we're just going to leave Washington in gridlock. And that is the key to a good relationship. Gridlock? No, get rid of hope. Get rid of hope. Yeah.

Get rid of the idea of... The audacity of the bandity hope. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like that. It's a far more bold. And that's a good political strategy. And I think that that is where Peter Dutton has gone so right in the results of the Aston Byelich. I wondered if that was where you were going, Charles.

Yes. But there is an interesting situation, isn't there? Because the thing I liked about him is that he at one point said, we will listen to the result. Oh, really? He said, well, listen to the result. We'll listen to what voters have been telling us. He thought that the polling was looking better than it did.

But then, no, this is after the result. He knew what the result was. He said, oh, listen. We'll listen to this message. But then he made it very clear whose final. It was that they'd lost the election. For the first time in more than 100 years... Oh, really?

For the first time in more than 100 years, a government won a seat in a by-election from an opposition. Oh, really? The voters of Aston was so happy with Anthony Albanesey and so unhappy with the prospect of Peter Dutton that they decided to add to the status quo. It's amazing. You know how Labor campaigned?

They had pictures of the candidate alongside Scott Morrison. That was what they did. Oh, brilliant. And I think Peter Dutton as well, but certainly Scott Morrison. All we have to do is say she's a liberal. Yes, and that wins the election. So, but in what way has it? Because I thought Dutton came out on Sunday and said we are not going to learn from the lessons of this election.

He said there will be no change. In fact, I think we've got a clip here of him on insiders. We have a lot to rebuild in Victoria. Of course we do, David. And I accept responsibility for us not winning the by election. And if you're asking me about the fundamentals of our party, they're not going to change. He said, there you go. There's nothing to do.

He loves the Liberal Party as it is. The point is, he's done exactly what you're recommending. He listened to the voters. He listened to the message loud and clear. The message was, we don't want you to have another. Yeah, we want you to lose an MP on the floor of Parliament. That's what the message was. We hate everything you stand for.

And we don't endorse you. And he's heard that message. Yes. And said, okay, well, that's what we can do. because by not changing, there will presumably be less and less. You know, MPs over time. He also, he's also been pilloried for this. But it's a tough market for us in Victoria.

There's no question about that. And we've got a lot of rebuilding to do. And Charles, just by talking about voters as a market, you can see there how well he understands what's going on. And this is the thing. Yes, there is a problem. The Victorian voters don't like liberals very much. that problem has now spread to every other state on the mainland,

at least in state elections. He wouldn't want to change anything. And Charles, I want to pay tribute to the job that Peter Dutton has done. Yes. Because you're mocking him. You're saying, you know, he's just not responding to voters. He's not going to change anything. Do you know how damn hard it is to keep that party together?

This is what he's saying. I'm the only one who can keep the party together. And that's true. And the way to do it is to make it so small that it's just me. Just me and you don't need much sticky tape. But in all sincerity, this is the whole basis of his... People have said he's taken no position on anything. And they just keep saying know to everything all the time

without having any alternative proposal. That's because they can't agree on anything. They've been sent a very clear message by the Teals. Yes. Where all their traditional voters, they have two electorates in the whole of Greater Melbourne now, too. The Chaser Report. Less news more often.

They don't have any electorates in Sydney. that adjoined Sydney Harbour, as in anywhere with the Harbour View has not voted for the Liberals in Sydney. Yeah, they've gone Teal. And so they've taken that message. And half the party, from what I gather, is going, wow, we've got to rush to the centre. This is ridiculous. We've lost our base. The Teals have come in.

And the other half, let's call them the Sky News, outsider's half, is going, it's because you were too woke. Scott Morrison was woke. He had a vaccine mandates. Yes. How do you keep that together, Charles, except by doing what? What you've done in your marriage? What I've done in my marriage? Which is you just ignore the problem.

You just ignore, you just, you listen to the problem. Yeah. And then you ignore it. But I actually, just thinking about it, maybe this whole market-based approach could work in my marriage as well. It could. Because there's a sort of like, well, let's just say there's not an oversupply of love in my marriage. That's why you're unwitting your shirt, right?

To attract interest. And we've addressed, there's also no. demand for love anymore. So we've matched supply and demand at a very... And that's sort of what the libs are doing. To be clear, I'm crying for you on the inside. No, they are tailoring their package.

They're tailoring their offering to the market to exactly what's going on. They're saying, we don't, we aren't going to make anything. We're not going to change anything to appeal to you. Yes. And the voters are saying, fine. Yes. And you know what it is?

They've looked at it and they've gone, oh, the minor parties are pretty popular nowadays. maybe we should become a minor party. That seems that would work. So they're just limping on. Yes. It's limping on forever. Yes, good.

Until eventually everyone involved dies. Whether that's a liberal movement or just the politicians involved. Or the fiery bull climate change that they support. There's not another, because this is the great thing. Everyone's saying, well, I've read a lot of analysis on the Aston by-election over the weekend. Everyone's saying, look, under ordinary circumstances, you'd have a leadership. spill. If this was Brendan Nelson, last time this happened,

Brendan Nelson would have been defeated by Malcolm Turnbull today, right, the day after the Aston By-election. But there's no one else. Angus Taylor fancies himself. I don't think anyone else does. Susan Lee, well, Susan Lee was a brilliant minister against the environment. Susan Lee, let's just say,

hasn't quite got the brand recognition in the market of Peter Dutton. Because the one thing about Peter Dutton is everyone knows him. He's not like that new Premier guy in New South Wales, who's no one forgotten already. Everyone knows that and they've had the chance to get to know him. You know what his slogan to be. His slogan should be, you know me, you may not like me. And that's the slogan.

But also, imagine who else they'd get, right? At least he's a known quantity. Yes, yes. No, no, but I think Susan Lee, because Susan Lee has about four S's in her name. She does. She spells herself like the store. It's S-U-S-S-A-N. Yeah, like the S goes with S at Suzanne.

Yeah, yeah. And I think, you know, last time the SS we're in power, Oh, God. Look, things went really well. The thing is, it's a strong argument. If Peter Dutton can say, you don't even know the other freaks we've got. Yeah, that's right, yes. You're right.

You're actually, like, he is the voice of reason and electability. And he's also doing what the people want him to do, which is not proposed any new policies. That's clearly what they're having a whole process. Going and listening to the public, and the public is saying, we don't really want to hear very much from you, thank you, Peter. And that's what's going on. And he's just sort of casting doubt on the voice. Yes.

And a few commentators have said up on the weekend, actually. He's in an amazing position on the voice. Because if it gets up, he will have been completely irrelevant to it. Right? History would have left him behind, as with the apology in Parliament with Kevin Ryan. If it doesn't get up, everyone will blame him. The majority of the Australian people who support the voice will blame him. Yes.

So there is, all he's doing is nothing. He's not even taking a position. And isn't that more brilliant, Charles, than either being left behind by it or being blamed for it? No one can say it was your fault, Peter, because he hasn't even taken a position. This is the point that I make to my wife. Just because I don't do any housework means I can't really be blamed for the messiness of the house because I had nothing to do with it.

But you did ask some questions, didn't you? You asked a lot of probing questions about the mess. And I understood what. needed to be done in terms of the House. And you also suggested that if the mess was dealt with, it would increase interest rates. Did you see Julian Lease's question about that? I ran an attack campaign on the messiness of the house.

I think you've solved the coalition and you've clearly solved marriage. I think there's a lesson from all of us in there. Can I give you some other amazing news from the weekend? And if Peter Dutton wants to get solace from anything, he's probably having a rough time at the moment. And also, I should say, happy birth, don't tell my wife as well. Well, done, Charles, you're such a king. Anyway, as Vic and Jenna would say,

Slay, King, Slay. All right, so if Peter Dutton wants to be cheered up, he could look at a worse situation because there are leaders who are having a rougher time than he is. Oh, yeah. One of them is Vladimir Putin. And there's some research out over the weekend from the British intelligence,

and despite that caveat, it's quite revealing. What they've discovered what's termed a core, from news.com today, you are core embarrassing deficiency in the Russian army that's leading to heavy losses. Do you want to take a guess at what it is? There's something that there's a fundamental problem with Russia's army that means that they keep losing. It'll be something very, very banal. It'll be something like that they don't have enough spare parts for their tractors or something. I'll give you a clue. What? It has something to do with how you spent

yesterday at the party with you around. Oh, right. The fact that I, had to go off and have a little bit of a nap halfway through the party. Sort of. Let me put it in these terms. The terms that they use here at news.com.com.com. Rampant alcoholism is a problem. Apparently

heavy drinking is a leading non-combat cause of casualties. What? Of casualties? They've had 200,000 deaths and the Russians are heavy drinking. So you're saying that these Russians are drinking even more heavily. than the heaviness that they already had been doing.

I should clarify. So casually is not a fatality. So they've had 200,000 injuries. Right. Since the invasion. That's a massive number. Yes, yes. That's like most of Canberra.

It's people stubbing their toes. Yeah, a lot of them have been, it's been incidents and crimes and deaths linked to alcohol consumption. Right. Apparently also poor weapon handling drills, road traffic accidents and hypothermia. And I love this.

Russian commanders likely identify prevalent alcohol abuse is particularly detrimental to combat effectiveness. Although that said, Charles, if I were, if I had been sent to Ukraine to probably die in another freezing winter in a few months time, I would be drinking. That would be the highlight of my day. Yes. You'd be drinking and then hopping in the tank and driving and then you'd have a tank accident and you'd be tanked.

You would. So Peter Dutton, things can always get worse. And I don't know if there's any rampant alcoholism amongst the coalition. But maybe there should be. All I know is there was a certain prayer room once upon a time where if I was a coalition backbencher right now, I'd probably be visiting the prayer room and inviting guests, perhaps even. Who knows?

So yes, it's clear that if Vladimir Zelensky wants to defeat Russia, they should ship a whole lot of vodka to the front lines. All they need to do is give them free booze. Instead of Molotov cocktails, just throw them without lighting them. That's right, don't need to kill them. Just give them the means to kill themselves. Like leaving Las Vegas, Kiev-style. Do you think maybe that could solve my marriage as well?

I'm rampant alcohol. Very confident you're giving it your best shot. Our gear is from Road and we part of the Iconiclass Network and I love them. Can you say that again? You really slayed that. Our gear is from Road and we are part of the, iconoclast network. And how would a monster say that? Out here is from mode and we are part of the iconoclast network.

I can't believe there's a button for that and that doesn't affect me. We'll catch you next time. See ya.