The Chaser Report - The Blunder Games | Alan Jones

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Will Alan Jones* return to radio? Is the vaccine rollout like The Hunger Games? Why are billionaires spending a fortune on absurdly brief space flights? And what are the odds this episode actually answers any of the previous questions? (* just clarifying it's Dan because it would absolutely suck to get sued and give Alan Jones money) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report podcast for Tuesday, the 6th of July 2021. We are still in Delta variant mode, meaning that my co-host is. Once again, the delightful Dan Illich from the Irrational Fear podcast. Hey, Dan. Thank you, Dom. It's great to be with you. And I want you to know that I am past Delta.

I'm really looking forward to getting Ebola. That's the next disease on my list. I'm hoping to be ground central of an Ebola cluster in Bondo. Beach because Delta has a time, you know, fashion moves really fast and we didn't, we need a new disease in this area. Let's make the stakes higher for the pandemic with various exploding parts of the body. That sounds very, very exciting. And look, I can't think of anywhere where I'd rather that happen than Bond died, to be honest. Dan, look, vaccination is still on the front pages, still a little bit of a concern. And the Health Minister in New South Wales, Brad Hazard,

had this to say about the vaccine rollout. It's almost a sense now of the hunger games of people vaccine, and until we get enough vaccine and enough GPs, actually at the front line, able to provide that vaccine into arms, we will continue to have effectively the hunger games going on here in New South Wales. The hunger games, Dan, is what's going on. Wow. Yeah, I'm happy to be a tribute. As someone who is under 40, I'm ineligible for all kinds of vaccines.

So if Brad has, I can see this, me right now, I'm raising my hand, ready to be a bit of a tribute. I really want to represent my area and get that in my arm. Dom, I was out at Sydney Olympic Park on the weekend and with somebody who was getting a vaccine. And it seemed to be a very well-run affair. It didn't seem less hunger games than more Olympic games. It was a very festive event out there. Yeah. And also, given that they had a COVID outbreak at that testing site last week, that's probably what the Olympic Games is going to be like as well. But Dan, I think he's referring to the supply because that stuff is of stuff that Brad Hazard runs, and that's been going well.

But the actual incoming Pfizer stuff, I mean, I'm just thinking back to the Hunger Games, Dan, and the bad guy, I remember President Snow from the Capitol where they get, you know, massive banquets and have a wonderful time. In that analogy, that person is Scott Morrison, so I'm feeling that it kind of checks out. ScoMo got Pfizer months ago. Yeah, I remember seeing photos of him getting Pfizer. Yeah, RMB, him getting the jab. And in other countries, Dan, the leader gets it to reassure everyone that the process is safe and it's going to be all right.

Like all the presidents in the US got it on camera, all that stuff. In our case, it was just a prime minister going, no, no, no, no, I've got this and you're never getting it. One of the best things about that photo op that he did was he got it with a lady who gave a up yours symbol with like two fingers pointing backwards like that like that. And he put his hand on the woman saying, no, don't do that. That had my photo up, but here's the thing. That woman was asked later who she thought that guy was, and she had no idea who Scott Morrison was. She just thought it was just some bloke getting Pfizer with her.

Some jerk who just turned up to ruin her moment to make history. There you go. I love that. It was so beautiful. Well, Dan, the other question is, where is Scott Morrison? I mean, he popped up after the National Cabinet. People are saying he should be out on the front lines. There's a huge crisis going on in the country.

Where has he been? It is interesting. We're meant to be on a war footing, and I'm pretty sure in war times you do hear from the Prime Minister significantly about what's happening at the war. But this time, we haven't heard anything from Scott Morrison for a very long time. Well, it takes a long time these days to get through and book flights away. On our show today, an exclusive interview with the legendary broadcaster, Alan Jones, who is returning to radio.

That's what the rumour has it anyway. Oh, I'm really excited to hear what Alan Jones has to say, but, you know, I actually just need to go to the toilet as soon as he comes on, just letting you know. Also, a look at the billionaire space race. Will Bezos or Branson be the first to immolate and die on return to Earth?

They're so unkind of. Look, the odds are pretty good, let's be honest. But first, let's head to Rebecca Day and Amuno in the Chaser Newsroom. Retailers Nick Scarley have come under fire today after declaring their stores essential and therefore exempt from COVID restrictions. However, the store owners have hit back

at criticism, stating that they really are essential, as life simply could not go on without the ability to buy overpriced couches for two weeks. Creator of the universe, God, has been fired from his job as a scriptwriter on 2021 this week after viewers criticised his increasingly unrealistic writing. Fans of his Planet Earth series had complained that his latest Ocean on Fire plotline was simply too ham-fisted a metaphor for climate change, and nothing like that would ever happen in real life. The United States has today wrapped up their 4th of July weekend celebrating America's independence.

The country, which is currently suffering a heat wave caused by the billionaire coal executives who refuse to pay tax, say they are glad to have thrown off the shackles of unaccountable foreign rulers and replace them with some of their own. I'm Rebecca Dana-Muno for The Chaser Report and I can't wait for lockdown to end so I can go back to hating turning up to the office. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by BP. Our prices are on fire, and so is the ocean.

Huge news yesterday in the media. There are rumours that legendary broadcaster, Alan Jones, may be making a return to radio after the expiration of his non-compete clause with 9 radio. Joining us now is legendary broadcaster Alan Jones. Alan. Good morning, everybody. Good morning, Dominic Knight. I tell you what, I absolutely.

loved your work when you were part of the chaser boys, but now you're part of the chaser men. It's not as appealing, is it? Yeah, writings would say so. Alan, you're quoted today in the Australian newspaper. They better be quoting me. That's been our agreement for the last 45 years. But you're quoted here, Alan,

as saying that you're pondering a return to radio. Why are you looking for another outlet? You've already got a nightly TV show. Well, Dominic, I tuned into radio and looked up and down the dial, and I realised there's a lack of voices just like mine. You mean right-wing conservatives.

No, Anthony Clear fans, quite disgusting, really. There's no one talking about Anthony Claire and his incredible voice. Ah, what a voice. Is that really the reason why you're pondering going back? Well, there's also so much acceptance of scientific facts on here these days. Broadcaster after broadcaster

have been talking to so-called experts in their fields about all matters of science, including COVID-19, climate change, and therapeutic light devices that destroy coronavirus. this kind of elitist expertise has to stop. Scientists with their so-called facts and figures are ruining the gut instinct industry. Where's the wild speculation?

Where is the data being taken out of context? Where is the full-throated support for Prime Minister Scott Morrison? I mean, sure, Ray Hadley gives full-throated support, but he sounds like a mechanic on Smokow. There's one person in Australian media who can only give full-throated support. And that's me, Alan Jones. So you'd rather have people on air, Alan,

who don't know what they're talking about. Yes, Dominic, it's important to the democratic process to hear the views of people who don't know what they're talking about. The majority of people in Australia, Dom, are people who don't know what they're talking about. The Prime Minister, Dom, is a man who doesn't know what he's talking about. That's why he's the best Prime Minister we've ever had, Dom. He's the man of the people.

And the people, Dom, are stupid. So according to the Australian, Alan, you, by returning to radio, would be giving voice to the silenced. 100% correct Tom Name anyone in Australian media Who is white, male and over 40 It's okay, I could wait, I've got all day Much like Banana Boat Ultra Sunscreen lotion

With its SPF 50 plus rating It can protect you against the harsh razor sun All day long So whether you're at the cricket or the rugby Or an outdoor concert listening To the amazing voice of Anthony Collier Oh you know you protected Banana Boat all day long

Well Alan it'll be a wonderful day when you sail your banana boat Back into a radio studio again and thanks for joining us. Thanks very much, Dominic. As I've voiced, it radios the future of media in this country. There he is, Alan Jones. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by the Gulf of Mexico Ocean Fire, serving up the freshest fried fish you can buy.

Ocean fires, making windmills look pretty damn good since 2021. Now, Dan, the world's richest and most privileged people have recently been devoting vast amounts of their precious time to solving the greatest challenge confronting humanity. Now, Dan, you know what that is, right? Climate change, it's inequality, it's misogyny, education. No, Dan, it's going back to space. Oh, that problem.

I always, you know, this is the problem with someone who doesn't have much money. I don't think about problems like that. Of all the things humanity could focus on right now, moving to another planet is actually looking genuinely like a real priority. Here's how CBS News described the current position in this big race. This month, a pair of billionaires planned to begin a new era in civilian space travel. On July 11th, Virgin Galactic founder Richard Branson will join five other passengers on the company's first crude flight into the edge of space. If all goes according to plan, Branson will be the first billionaire to leave Earth's atmosphere on a spacecraft he helped develop.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is expected to take a similar trip nine days later. He'll be aboard his company, Blue Origins, New Shepherds, spacecraft. Remember where the USSR and America were like trying to just want up each other to be the first? The same thing is happening with these billionaires. Bezos thought he had it in the bag. Now Branson's moved his trip forward so he can be the first. Yeah, I think that's really great. I think we need an Australian billionaire. I want to see Gina Reinhart go pushed into space. That's the good vibe. I'm thinking Clive Palmer like aboard some kind of flying dinosaur. Here, I've got a little space story for you, for you, Dom. Do you know, these people are not the first billionaires to go into

space. The first billionaire to go under space was a guy by the name of Dennis Teeter. He bought a ticket on a Suez rocket to go to the International Space Station for something like $25 million back in the early Nordies. And he flew there and visited space as a tourist. He visited the ISS as a tourist because he injected so much money into the Russian space program. He got to do that. and I was his ski locker room attendant at Park City, at the Strait Erickson Lodge in Park City, I got to clean his skis and ask him all about it. Oh my God.

The race is over. The race was won a long time ago. And you got to lick his boots, I mean clean his boots. But Dan, he didn't crucially get to go in a sort of big ego mobile of his own invention. So let's talk more about Virgin Galactic at the moment they're looking like being the first over the line. And they've made any very exciting video to hype up the crew. going to achieve on this mission. Have a listen. Chief pilot, Dave McKay. I'll be flying VSS Unity into space on the Unity 22 mission.

Pilot, Mike Masucci. I'll be in the cockpit for my second spaceflight. I'll be testing the researcher experience. I'll be evaluating cabin procedures during boost and weightlessness. I'll be spaceship cabin lead and test director. Now, Dan, they all have valuable in-flight roles to make sure that everything goes safe. Guess what Richard Branson's role is on the flight? Is he serving cocktails? Is he giving away copies of his book? How to lose your virginity? What's he doing?

He's not serving the cocktails, Dan. His job is this. Astronaut 001, Richard Branson. I'll be evaluating the customer spaceflight experience. His job is to check how comfy the in-flight sofas are, Dan. That's the only thing he's contributing. I think that's great. I think it's good to always have the customer in mind first,

and you might as well, before you force customers to do it, you might as well test your own source first. Here's the thing about the virgin spaceship I'm not so sure about. It's very much a low orbit affair. It doesn't actually go into space. It kind of just skims across the atmosphere. It's not one of those awesome spaceships can actually do a full orbit. So when it comes down to the race,

who is actually going to get into space, space first, I don't think this is, I don't think the virgin ship can really be counted. It's more like a plane that can fly really high. Well, that's right, because the whole problem with this plan is that they're not technically going to space. This whole thing about how they're selling this amazing experience and making history. What they're doing is flying a long way in the air below the point where space starts. And I looked at this.

The point, it's the Carmen line. It's 100 kilometres above the surface of the Earth. And they're not going that high. They're going just under. But Bezos's blue origin. is crossing the line just slightly and then going back down. So they're claiming they're going to have the first stupid self-indulgent billionaire in space, Dan.

And the great thing is about Bezos is once he goes up, it'll be two-day delivery return. So everyone's paying a vast amount of money to enter weightlessness for maybe a minute or two. You get to glimpse the Earth's curvature and then come down. Dan, what is the point of all this? Like, why all the money, why all the PR, while all the fuss?

I guess it is genuinely a pissing contest. It's two guys showing each other just how big their dicks are. Who give me the first to wee on the earth from space, basically? From a great height. Yeah, I think really when it comes down to it, the person who's going to win is Bezos because his spaceship actually looks like a penis. It does. Whereas Virgins just looks like, you know, a 747 that's been compressed.

But, Dan, there's another billionaire in this race. Who? Elon Musk. And he's the one who's actually working with NASA with Space X. And he's not interested in this whole business. You know what he wants to do, Dan? He wants to die on Mars. That's what he wants to do.

So much more ambitious than either of these two dipshits who are just going for a little dip into space. Here of I are just trying to put money in my superannuation account so I can die before I turn 70. This guy wants to die on Mars. This is a much better idea. When you think about it, because if you just burn out your superannuation,

no one remembers you. But if you die on Mars, you're going to be the first person to die on Mars. Well, Dad, you get to understandably. He wants to go back to where his people came from. From the makers of The Chaser Report comes The Chaser Report extended. Featuring all five hours of content cut from the show each day. Can you hear me?

Craig? Hello, can you hear me? Yes. We can hear you. Can you hear us? I'm very confused about what's going on. Get a glimpse behind the scenes at those magic moments that didn't quite. make it today.

Was there boobies? I've just, I've not brought my fucking script in. Oh, mother. Oh, I'll be back. I'm just going to leave it on record. You should just edit me in post anyway. Be like, I am mentally healthy. Relive all the magic of that sketch that really didn't work and got cut for time.

Hi, everyone. I'm Scott Morrison, and I've got ants in my shoes. Ow, ow, ow. Ah, this really hurts. Oh, why? I just got ants in my shoes. The Chaser Report, Excel. because more isn't always better.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by fossil fuels because oil doesn't grow on trees. What about olive oil? Shut up. Well dumb, it's time to say goodbye, but before we go, just a little bit of news that kind of came across the news desk at the Chaser. Israel Fulow, who is the most prolific code switcher of all code switches, has finally been released from his French rugby union contract.

So I don't know if you know what this means, Dom. Well, he might come back in plain Australia if, by any chance, he finally accepts that gay people are people too. He's actually just forgetting all of that. He's actually signed on to go play rugby union in Japan. What? Now, do you remember a few months ago he had a press conference with Clive Palmer and Clive Palmer was saying that how Israel Falau

is going to be a brand new star recruit for his rugby league team on the Gold Coast? Do you remember that? I do. I haven't you mentioned it. Well, just like everything Clive Palmer does, it turned to shit. So it turns out that, you know, Israel Fowl is the next Palmer attraction that goes nowhere. I think we all remember the Titanic that Clive announced that never went anywhere. I mean, it's pretty hard to fuck up Titanic 2 worse than the original Titanic.

They didn't even launch. The Jurassic Park Golf Course up in Coolum. Now, that exists, but it's not very exciting. It's just these big blow-up kind of dinosaurs. Yeah, and the PGA tour, as soon as he built that, said, no, you're not having any events. We're not playing proper events around your dinosaurs. The other attraction was Parliament House, which he bought a few years. guy. He actually sat in it for a few months

and got bored and he quit. And then he just realized, oh, well, you can own a parliament even if I just run a campaign that doesn't go anywhere. So he ran that spoiler campaign where he didn't actually intend to get into parliament. He just wanted to take votes away from Labor. And do you remember when Clive Palmer brought Al Gore out to talk about climate change and his brand new coal

coal mine at the same time? So bizarre. So this is just another Palmer escapade that's gone nowhere. I think that this is the perfect place of Israel for Lao to go, right? He goes to Japan and no one's going to understand when he's raving about gay people in English. He should spend the rest of his life in places

where people can understand what he has to say. Yeah, that's totally fine. Good luck is Ralph Lauer. Good luck out there. I hope you played rugby well and I hope you don't talk to anyone. Good luck gay people in Japan. Don't listen to that idiot. Plenty more news around the clock at chaser.com.

You can follow us on all the socials. Please leave us a five-star review and use the code phrase. What would Alan Jones want it to be, Dan? Alan Jones would want it to be banana boat. Banana boat. There you go. Don't forget to subscribe to Dan's podcast, A Rational Fear. Don't forget our podcast festival event coming up in Melbourne on the 1st of August.

Looking possible, but far from certain, you could be among the lucky people. It had to be refunded if you book now. That's right. A rational fear has got shows coming up in Melbourne, too. August 14. We've got Patricia Carvella, Sammy Shah, myself, Lewis Hobber, and maybe some other special guests as well at Comedy Republic. Our gear is courtesy of road microphones and we are part of the Acast Creator Network.

Catch you tomorrow. Not me, Dom. I'm going to space.