The Chaser Report - The Bowled and the Beautiful

Episode Date: February 12, 2023

It's a cricket episode, eat your heart out Roy and HG. Charles and Dom bring you a ball-by-ball update of Australia's performance in the latest test against India. Charles recently became an umpire, so he basically knows everything, alright? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. Dom Knight here, with a special investigation into a crisis in Australian cricket. The men's team lost the first test in India by an innings and 132 runs. They got 91 runs in the second innings, which they've been stranded on 25. at the end. In other words, they sucked. But for debutante leg spinner Todd Murphy getting seven wickets in the first innings, this new guy turned up with glasses and played very well,

they would have done even more poorly. To comment, we now have apparently accredited cricket umpire, Charles Firth. Yes, and Dom, when you said to me, we're going to be talking about the cricket today and the crisis that it's in, I didn't actually quite understand what you're talking about because I just assumed when you said, let's talk about Australian cricket, you were talking about the T20 World Cup in South Africa, where the women's team is absolutely dominating. They trounced New Zealand by, I think, over 100 runs on Saturday. So I was very surprised when you just said then, oh, it's the men's team, because, you know, I'm very progressive and I don't really see gender as a... That's so impressive. Yeah. Perhaps less

impressive is that the T20 World Cup is happening in Australia soon. So it must have been a warm-up match. Nevertheless, well done to the women. I've always said women's cricket is the one that counts. That's the one that we're best at. Yes, and the men's cricket is always the side show. It's the side show. It's an appetiser and amuse bush, if you will. It's nice. I mean, it's nice to look at. But, you know, but, you know, you don't want to. It's nice that they get to play too. That's right. And they get, you know, their little baggy greens.

They're even getting paid quite well nowadays, the men's. I think so. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, we have to call a spade of spade the behaviour standards of the men's teams. Nothing like the paragon that the women's team is. I mean, they are fine representatives of Australia. Yes. That make us all proud.

The men, yeah, not so much. But you mentioned that I'm basically an expert in umpiring. Yeah. And you're indeed correct, Dom, because for the first. time this morning, I umpired my 14-year-old son's cricket game. Right. Yes. That's an unconventional umpiring arrangement, isn't it?

For one of the parents of one of the children actually involved in the game. I don't think Pat Cummins' dad was out there in India, just going, yeah, good on your son, that's LB. Well, maybe that is the problem. In fact, I think we can probably solve the problem. of the Australian's men cricket's team by just taking a few words of advice from my extensive experience, umpiring.

Please, enlighten us. What should we do, Charles, to fix this crisis? Well, the first one is, and this has nothing to do with my umpiring experience, but this will actually help is put fucking Travis head back in the team. Like, yeah. Can we just, just stepped out. Like, oh, we'll get to the umpiring thing in a second.

But, see, like, so Matt Renshaw was put in instead of, of Travis Head. Matt Renshaw got a golden duck in the first innings. Yeah. And then two of, I think, nine balls in the second innings. Don't be so much. He nearly made double figures in balls face. That's right.

But he was put in because he was the in-form player. Right. Who was the best batter during the Australian summer? I believe it was one T-head. T-head. Travis Head. Because didn't he, did he end up with that, you know, Alan Borda medal or something? No, that was Steve Smith.

No, that was Steve Smith. No, he was clearly the dominant player this summer. So what, what is he done? Like, is there some sort of tiff between him and Pat Cummins? I think that the issue is that David Warner must stay in the team no matter what. Yes, yes. He's protected. Because Dave Warner's not there because he's the in-form better.

Yeah, that's right. Dave Warner's there because if you drop him, he'll fuck you up, basically. Yeah, right. Like, they'd do it in Australia if he wasn't in. the same hotel. Yes. But if the tour selectors drop him, and I don't mean to defame him.

I say this with respect because he'll fuck us up too. Yes. You don't want to cross Davy Warder. Nah, nah. The only way he can't hurt you is if you bowl at him and he's got a bat in his hand. I reckon, because he's quite short, though, isn't he? So maybe the thing is the selectors, and Pat Cummings is quite tall.

Sorry, sorry, it's not that, no, no, Davey's fine. Everyone else is just unnaturally tall. It's not that he's short. But why doesn't he just hold David Warner's head at a distance? Oh, right. And then he can't land a punch. You won't land a punch. That might work.

Anyway, so look, and I'll just go back to first principle. I was actually quite worried when on about Friday last week, the rest of the team, no one else had volunteered to umpire because you've got to... Oh, okay. This is back to your son's team, an equally important Australian representative team. Probably more important. It's certainly more thrilling. Certainly closer.

By the way, that siren is Dave Warner. Now, we're sitting outside, and it's a beautiful day. Yeah. So, anyway, so I was worried in, because I've never umpired before, that I would be unbelievably biased. Have you never umpied before? I've never umpired before. Oh, right.

And, you know, like, because I am very passionate whenever I go to the cricket. And I have a side, you know, my son's side that I believe in. And I was just worried that, you know, I'd just be no bowling. the other side and not awarding ill. You'd be like one of those terrible sport parents on the side, only in the middle with authorities. It sounds like a nightmare. And I've done

lots of therapy. I have enough self-awareness now to know that that is what I would do, right? However, I guess if the choice is between old biased Macphirth here and no umpire, I mean otherwise the kids are going to umpire themselves, that's not going to work. That's a lot of the flies. So, but

I got out there and almost immediately I realized oh no my biases actually lie elsewhere oh so it's not that so i when i was doing i used to love cricket but i was terrible at cricket right and always in the Cs or the Ds yeah you know but in what i hated most were umpires who would give you no balls when you bowled a no ball or a wide when you didn't hit the pitch or something like that right so you know as in umpires who applied the laws of cricket that's right exactly but you know like unfairly in some ways because Like, we're only, like, 14 years old. Like, we can't be expected to bowl every ball, you know, on the pitch or whatever. No, of course not. I mean, frankly, Pat Cummins didn't bowl very well. He could have used some helpful on hiring.

Exactly. And same with, I mean, the number of times I got out LB in a bloody, you know, when you're in high school, it's just ridiculous. Like, every single time I get out LB. And it's like, that's just a judgment call. It all just should not happen, right? So I found myself of almost immediately just not giving any extras to either side. Even when the ball was like several metres wide, you're just like, no. Yeah, no, yeah, exactly.

You could have skipped over there. And the batsman would sort of complain. They'd come up and go, hey, wasn't that last one a bit wide? And I go, not wide enough for me, baby. Right. Okay. And so, and I realized that is where my biases lie. And it actually set the whole tone for the whole match because there was another umpire.

from the other side, another dad. Okay, so was he from the other school? Yeah, yeah, from the other. Oh, right, so it's a bit like the test, and that you have a local umpire and, okay, they're one from each team. So was that noticeable in that the other dad gave lots of dodgy wickets and he gave, well, I went up to him beforehand. Well, I sort of set the tone because I was, I started the, you were the first.

I was the first sort of main umpire. And, and so he started also just not awarding many extras and things like that. Oh, lovely. And it was a really enjoyable, I mean, Hartley's team lost, but I think cricket won on the day. Charles, you say that, but looking back to my cricket career, which was exclusively in the D team for two years before I gave up and started playing tennis, we didn't win a single match, not a single one. And it was often the case in our team that the top scorer was extras. No, exactly, no, but see, that cost us runs. Now, let's have a look at the statistics, Dom, which is that Australia had 10 extras in India's first batting innings, right?

Right. That is 10. So that means that they would have only lost by, you know, a hundred and... A 22. 202 rather than 132 if I had been unbarring. See, you get my dream. But hang on, but what about in Australia's first innings where they're also extras? You can't just take away one side's extras.

Yeah, well, we had 15, like the India got the 15, so you're right, actually, that we'd actually. Otherwise, it's right. You're not one side. It's just that only one team can score extras. Yes, I know, but India only battered, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. No, no, but more importantly than the extras, so that just sort of would reduce the problem. But Australia got out LBW four times in the first innings,

and six times in the second hearing it is basically rigged by the umpires who go oh that was in front of the wickets therefore it should be out if you if they appointed me as an umpire i wouldn't have given like maybe one lb i would have given the rest it would have been like no i'm sorry like when i was growing up i didn't like lb i'm biased again yeah so suck shit you suck it up the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. Well, another way to win the next test would be to bribe the third umpire, because there were a lot of referrals in this test.

It was quite interesting. And the local umpire actually often said no to an LB and they'd refer it. And I think that Murphy got a few wickets that way. I was watching the highlights. Yes. So if you can get to the third umpire, now the problem is you need to bribe the third umpire. Yes. But you also, and Australia is good at this.

You get animal logic involved. Yes. You get CGI fake reconstruction. So you go, oh, it was pitching online, heading towards the stumps, and Animal Logic just whipped up a little video of this wide ball hitting the stumps. What you need, have you ever played Fortsa Horizon?

No. Or, is it, a, GTA, 5? I've played GTA, yeah, yeah, right. So what you need is those sorts of in-game physics for the cricket referral engine, where, you know how when you, well, There's this game called Foote's Horizon, you're driving along at 300 kilometres an hour. And if you decide to sort of smash into a car that's coming in the other direction,

you just get a mild amount of damage. You don't even really slow down. You just sort of, it's just fun, right? I think that that's what the cricket referral engine should be like. That's very good. Actually, you know what? Mario Kart would have a big contribution. Because if you were running last in a Mario Kart race, this shell comes,

it helps you get all the way to the front. Yes, yes. So I think Australia needed that for the. the next text. You know what it should be. It should be in, you know, Super Mario, the one that goes from left to ride. If you've got a young player who doesn't quite know what to do, they can just go in a bubble. They just, they can press the B button, I think, and they go into a bubble. That's good. And they just float along alongside you. That is what Matt Renshaw should do. And Hanscombe. And Hanscombe. They should just go into a little bubble. And then, you know, like,

at the end of the innings, if we need them, shape the controller, shake the controller, make them sort of thing. But they're sort of just like they're sort of just in the ether, but they don't actually get put into back. You know what else you could get from the Mario series?

One of those power mushrooms for Davy Warner. So he'd become twice as lunch. He'd be an ordinary size and he'd be much stronger. He'd actually might be able to play the game again. I think that was Shane Warren's trick. Yeah, yeah. He certainly post his career. That's right.

The power mushrooms. So that's one idea. My idea is clearly Todd Murphy, this guy, he's never played before. He wasn't even in the first class, I think Victorian side a year ago. Oh, really? Right. And the thing is, he's clearly a massive nerd because he wears glasses. Yes, yes.

So what we need for the next team is forget the established players. Yes. Get dorks in glasses. If we had 11 Todd Murphy's, we would have bowled them all out. We would have won in a cancer. Get nerds. And for years, the Australian cricket team's just. selected people who were athletic and fit and that kind of stuff,

get more Murphys for India and you win. The only thing is that he's not very good of batting. Like, you sort of need, like, I agree, but I don't feel like our problem was necessarily the bowling. We just have Labushane, aren't you? Our problem was nobody in the side knows how to bat at all. Like, I think Steve Smith top scored with 19. That's for 25.

Yeah, you've got 25, not out of the 75s. Well, the other thing is, there's a lot of things we could do. We could, there's been a lot of talk about doctoring the pitches and having, why don't we doctor the Australian pitches? Yes. We're the same as Indian pictures so that we know what we're getting. So we'd be used to it. Yeah, because the only problem with that whole, oh, the pictures were doctored site,

doesn't that mean that India also had to play on the unplayable pictures that they somehow scored lots of runs on? Yeah. Like, why? Like, I don't understand how doctoring pictures. only affects one side. No, it didn't help them very much this time. Also, Charles, there's a lot of Indians of Australian origin.

They'd understand the law. Why don't we just pick 11 Indian Australians? Yes, that's right. They'd know the local condition. They'd be fine. Oh, they'd be much better. And they wouldn't even have to. They could be like that Todd Murphy guy.

Yeah. Not even playing proper state cricket. Get the ones with glasses. The glasses. Yes, nerdy Indians. Indian Australians. Yes. Get them out there.

Okay. And now we're just doing that because you're just doing that. your wife is a nerdy Indian Australian. She's actually, she's recently became an Australian citizen. So, yeah, look, I'm putting it up for the women's team. But the problem is that it's not the women's team that needs solving. That's true. Okay, well, one thing we could do now, you know this whole thing about the ointment, right?

Jadaja had this tube of oint. Yeah, that is total cheating. That is Dave Warner level cheetah. And he was saying it's, oh, it's for my sore spinning thing. And it made me think, oh, my God, yeah. Next test, why don't we get some of that same ointment and add some little, particles of sandpaper to it oh no we're not we're not liquid sandpaper charles that wouldn't be able to see it but no but wasn't the ointment itself cheating i don't know but

if you can have liquid nails at your bunnings you can surely have liquid sandpaper yeah and we've got was met renshaw involved the last time round i think he was in cap town yeah was that just cameron bancroft i think it was yeah and obviously steve smith who's managed to oh well they're all still in the team like Yeah, the other thing is surely there is going to be some Chinese balloons above the next test ground. Couldn't we get one of them to sort of shine a light in the Indian bowler's eyes or on some way interfere? Like, we do a deal? I thought you were worried that, you know, Australian batsmen would hit them down by their incredible feats of batting.

But I don't think that's going to be a problem, you know, unless they miss hit them high in the air. I didn't get caught. I don't know, like, yeah, because the Chinese don't like the Indians, right? There's a lot of touch, either. No, that's true. Maybe we should just offer to go up, because it'd be a good view. Maybe we should just offer to spy for the Chinese so we can watch the cricket. You wouldn't have to watch Kio.

I suppose the other thing they could try is not getting out. I mean, Steve Smith clearly learned from the first innings. that his job was not to get out and he did it quite well in the second it is. Maybe the others could try that. You have not been listening to me. This is what I'm saying.

They appoint me as when, you know, the Australian representative umpire and I will not let them get out because the only outs that they get are LBWs because they keep on putting their legs in front of the thing. And I will say, no,

they'll be. And they'll run out of reviews. Like India, oh, no, no, they won't run out of reviews because they'll just keep on being over. That's right. The other thing I was thinking is you could get John Saffron's robotic Seagull to the next test.

You know that one that he used to offer Shane Water Cigarette in the film? Yes. I reckon Saffron plus Seagull. Yes. You could just disrupt the players. Yeah, do you think the only thing I'd say is peck up the pitch? Yeah. I mean, the Seagull itself would probably be a better batsman than Matt Renshiel.

Let's face it. I mean, it's statistically impossible to be at worst. And John Severin's a bit of a nerd, so he'd probably be... He wears glasses. Yeah, he should just be in the team. So, Charles, are you going to continuing umpiring your son's team? Is this a new thing for you going forward? Well, I think everyone on our team, like all the other parents, were very supportive of me doing it and very thankful.

Because they didn't have to. Because they didn't have to, yeah. I don't think, like, yes, I think I want to become a professional umpire. I think I've found my calling alive and because the thing that I want to do is I want to introduce a whole lot of new signals into the game because there hasn't been enough innovation over the year. So there needs to be a signal. Clearly there needs to be a signal for, ooh, that was close.

I'm thinking like, ooh, that was close. You know, like where you just sort of shift your body and your hips move. and just sort of add a little bit more, I'd like to say interpretive drama to the whole. Yeah, because the umpies don't move very much. No, they don't. And it gets incredibly painful, like, because it's 32 over the side,

but there's 32nd over of the first innings. I was in agony. Like I was, like I literally had to, I was voluntarily doing squats just because that would relieve pressure on my legs. Wow. So if you did a sort of interpretive dance of how close,

It was to a dismissal. That would be helpful feedback. Yes, no, it is, yes. So, yeah, that's what I'm going to do. And look, if anyone listening to the podcast needs an umpire, I'm available. And let's just say your team or the other team won't get many extras or LBs. You're getting on a bit, Charles. Let's be honest.

In your late 40s now, it has your eyesight. Oh, it's terrible. Perfect, you're hired. You put you on the international panel. Our gear is from Road, and we're part of the iconoclast podcast network.