The Chaser Report - The CandyAss and The Furious

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

Uncertainty shrouds Aleksa, Dom, and Gabbi today as they try to discuss Christian Porter's return to law in a way that won't get them sued. Meanwhile John Delmenico has a hilarious story of celebrities squabbling over who's more 'candyass'. Plus Dom takes a look at a new podcast by Nick Kyrgios. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Union for Looney Tunes actors. How can I help you? Hi, so my boss has just made me sprint off a cliff. So I'm actually currently running in midair. Can you hear that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I'm aware that if I look down, I will fall. I'm not sure what to do. According to your enterprise bargaining agreement, the boss can ask you to run off a cliff, but they can't coerce you into looking down.

Just keep on running to the other side of the canyon. Thanks for calling. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday, the 17th of November. I'm Dom Knight. We have Gabby Bolt and we have Alexa Volovich. Hello, hey, yo, hey, oh. Big news out of Canberra yesterday.

I know. The earthquake house in QuesterCone is finally back up and running. I'm telling you, it's so exciting because I was spewing in Year 6 when I went and it was fucking closed down. We were all spewing in Year 6 on the trip to Canberra. It was Canberra. It was all the roundabouts. Oh, yeah.

No, no, Christian Porter. There was a rumour yesterday that he was going to quit politics and move to Sydney to work as a lawyer and live with his lover. And we were going to talk about that. But I see now on the Daily Mail that he's denying it. That's not like him. It's not like Christian Porter to deny something. Yeah. A bit out of character.

So we have to talk about this without getting sued, given that we don't know what the truth is because it keeps changing. Right. We just need to very vaguely refer to things in a way that no one can see. sue us. Okay. Not the Christian Porter is the kind of person that would sue anyone

for defamation. No. That's not his character. No. It's just a thing that happened that time with the ABC. Yeah. So what kind of stuff

we're allowed to talk about? Is that, yeah, is that like a line? What about the blind trust? The blind trust? You can, yeah. Because I personally think it's fine and we don't need to know.

I think it adds to the fun and mystery when we don't know, right? Yeah. Yeah. The thing is that there's more fun. There's nothing improper about it. No.

Because they may be very proper people to be paying off a senior cabinet member to fund a defamation trial. I don't know who that proper people would be to do that. There may not be any. But if there are, I'm sure that they're the ones who they're right. If you've got money, you've got to be proper. You've got to be proper to make money. The thing that I found amusing, though, about this story when it first broke, was the notion that after having a really tough time of fighting all these legal battles against the ABC

and then potentially being investigated for the thing that he denies doing. Well, they must have been so hard. Yeah, really tough. What he's going to do to turn a new page in his life is become a barrister. That was the story. He was going to spend his day in a courtroom answering questions from a court. Yeah, like deciding legal justice on behalf of others. Does that mean he'll be like representing himself in defamation cases?

Which he doesn't have to do. I mean, actually, that's a good point, Alexer. He didn't need to have the trust, did he? He could have actually, he's a qualified barrister. He could have conducted his own defense for free. right? Yeah. Christian, if you're listening,

might have saved a lot of trouble and legal expenses. But I like to think that his lawyers are listening to this just in case we're so saying defamatory. But we wouldn't do that because we're not that kind of people. And if lawyers think that we're the kind of people that would say something defamatory, that is defamatory of us. Oh, yes. Get them with a double defamatory.

Yeah, nice. And also, you know, we would never say something defamatory about Christian put it without asking for his consent first. That's a good approach. to take in these matters. And if we were being sued for defamation, I mean, there's no one I would rather represent me than Christian Porter.

On today's show, John takes us inside a celebrity feud for the ages. Yum. First, let's go to Rebecca Daydamuno in the Chasing Newsroom. Christian Porter plans to resign from his position as an MP to restart his career as a genius lawyer and highly respected strategist. Porter has spruced up his CV to now include can cry on demand and sent his resume to all his local law firms.

Naturally, any firms who decline will be sued for defamation. World's richest divorced dad, Elon Musk, has begun trying way too hard to look cool in front of random kids on Twitter. The man who can't remember his own kids' names said that he's increased the amount he tweets in a desperate plea for random kids to like him enough to help him avoid tax. Government official Craig Kelly attended a freedom rally in which he protested against government officials. Thousands of protesters advocated against government acts of corruption, such as sending mass unsolicited texts or pushing misleading health advice,

which Craig Kelly assured protesters would never, ever do. Those are the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayuna Muno. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the union for Looney Tunes actors. Hello. Hi there. So during work, my boss paraded a very sexy lady in front of me and seeing her caused my tongue to comically unfurl out of my mouth and I just can't get it back in.

Oh, don't worry. That's a really common workplace accident in this industry. We'll make sure you get properly compensated. Thanks. John Delmenico, writer for The Chasery, hit update us on a celebrity feud. John, we love a celebrity feud. I decided to do another one of my serious deep dives that I do on this show.

But I think I decided to step it up and go into the more serious route of beef between people who are going to be the future president. Oh, wow. Lovely. So if we cast our mind back to August 8th, 2016, future president, Dwayne the Rock Johnson, posted on Instagram,

praising all the female co-stars on the eighth Fast and Furious movie. He also, famously in this post, praised some of the male co-stars, who, quote, conduct themselves as stand-up men and true professionals, while others don't. That don't are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway, candy asses.

I don't like it when mum and dad and dad and dad and mum fight. Wait, who is this between? Because I'm starting to assume he was calling out Paul Walker. Oh, go there, the rock. He wasn't calling out. Who is he? He wasn't calling out. Finn Diesel.

Yeah, so after the hashtag zero tolerance for, candy asses started trending on Instagram. What the fuck? Thespian actor Vin Diesel called The Rock into a meeting to discuss who the alleged candy ass was. Candy ass meetings, we have those heroes. Yeah, I was going to say, that sounds like a chasing meeting. Candy asses summit.

So at that point, no one knew who it was about, but there was rumours going around that has to be one of the top actors, because the Rock is famous, like famously has a really good reputation in Hollywood for being someone who really cares about the cast and crew. And like stands up for the crew. And usually when

he gets the beef with a cast member, it's over the way the crew's treated, which usually means it'll be one of the top actors. Was it Lodicris? Well, he was the one that TMZ actually thought it might have been, and then all the reports were that it's definitely Vin Diesel because the Rock then posted after the meeting praising every single cast member by name

except for Vin Diesel. Just in case he was any jacked. Yeah, spell it out clearer, Rock. How is this beef? If someone called me Candy-ass, I'd assume it was a compliment. Yeah, like you have a tight ass. Your ass is very minting. I'd break my teeth on it.

Yeah, but Alexa, according to Vin Diesel, this was an attack on his alphaness. Well, that's what this is about. And it was just a collision of two alphas. There's no room in the franchise for two bald, musly alphas. And the Rock is much stronger. I think it could break Vin Diesel in two. We just need to sit Mr. Rock and Mr. Diesel down in a room together and getting to sort out their solid.

solids, minerals, and gaseous differences. Actually, you're right. Three people on that movie have ludicrous names, and one of them actually is ludicrous. Vin Diesel and Dwayne the Rock Johnson. I think Dwayne is more ridiculous than the Rock. Yeah, Mr. Dwayne. Luckily, Gabby, there was one executive producer on the movie

who wanted to sort things out there and then, and that was Vin Diesel. So he went to the other executive producers and allegedly tried to get convinced them to back out of their contract with The Rock and pay out the highest paid actor for two movies that he wasn't going to be in. So obviously, the other executive producers were like, we're not doing that.

I thought you meant, like, he wanted to settle it outside, but then he probably thought, no, the Rock would defeat. I'm sick of alpha men pretending that the only way to deal with, I reckon the only way to deal with an issue like this and prove your alphaness is do what an alpha dog would do and just piss everywhere. I don't, like, you're getting more done that way. This is a pissing contest, isn't it? Yeah, so then the Vindiesel actually changed his contract to make sure it was his show,

so that he now had the rules that included no one could hit him. more than he hits them. He can't lose a fight and no one can look bigger than him in a scene that he is in. So they shoot it from an angle where he looks like he's taller than the rock.

Good luck, buddy. Well, the rock found out about this while he was renegotiating his contract. Oh my God. So he added all the same clauses into his contract just to mess with Vin Diesel. This is, okay, sorry.

All right, I'm going to admit two things in the next sentence. The first is I have never seen a single Fast in the Furious movie. To me, it could be about turtles. I don't know. The second thing is, These are two men, one of which was in The Pacifier.

The other one was in Jamungi. I think it's like safe to say that their acting chops aren't exactly going to earn them a fucking Oscar any day now. Oh, that's very unfair to the rock. He is versatile. He does comedy. He does comedy. He does comedy. And Gabby, Vin Diesel, when I said Thespian actor, he genuinely talks about being a Thespian actor all the time.

Does he know what that means? He has craft very seriously. I love these movies. not ironically legit like I cried at the end of the one where Paul Walker dies it is very upsetting Did they film that for the movie?

No That's a work health incident waiting to happen Amazing marketing though He drives off into the sunset with his partner But this is serious stuff to me This is like Jesus and the Holy Spirit Having a beef as far as I'm concerned Yeah I don't know why Gabby's trying to make it into a big joke

I know it's a comedy podcast But there are some things that are serious That is sacred Like Gabby because of this negotiation of contracts, the movie ended up hiring people to come in and count the amount of punches thrown in a scene because it would be a violation of contract and cost hundreds and potentially hundreds of millions of dollars if one of them was punched one more time than the other in a scene where they fought. I'm so sick of men.

It's very male, isn't it? I'm so sick of men. Can I negotiate so that Charles doesn't get to insult me more than I insult him? Like, is that an option? I'm not, I am not. I'm telling you this now volunteering to count the insults thrown across this room. That is not fair on me. Unless I get a promotion, then you can do it. What does this mean for the franchise, though? Like, if it gets to its logical extreme and these two massive

men can't be on screen together anymore, do they split the franchise? It's become just fast movies. That leads into what actually happened. But they did. John, tell us. Explain to these. So they decided the best thing to do would be to not have Vin Diesel and the Rock film together anymore, because the Rock was struggling to

hide his anger of Vin Diesel, because because of Vin Diesel's like actions on set and they can't both get the most bunches that's the other thing it's impossible and so for the rest of the movie they just filmed scenes so that they're not in the same room

and green screened them together or had it be that they talk over the phone and then from there in 2017 it was announced that either the Fast 9 was starting and a spin-off with the Rock's character was also starting to film

which is when actor Tyrease Gibson jumped into the and gave an ultimatum to the studio that they either fire the rock or he would quit. And let's be clear, Tyrese Gibson, for fans of the series, definitely the most redundant character. I mean, that would be like on this podcast. Go on.

Who's getting fired? Who's the most redundant person on this show? Who's the Tyrese? Go off. I love lawsuits. Let's go. That would be like the other intern popping up and... Fucking hell.

It's all right. Lachlan's not here. We can say it. No, but isn't this good, though, John, because it meant we got more fast than the Furious, right? Like, we got Hobbs and Shaw. By the way, the rock gets to keep Jason Statham. Like, that's like getting to keep the dog when you have a breakout, right? Yeah, Jason Statham wanted to go in the Rock's spin-off and not in the main ones because they were friends.

Yeah. But then also, Tyrese Gibson, after no one cared that he threatened to leave, he ended up backing down and still doing the next movie anyway. Yeah. And resigning his contract. If he had a cooler name. Fast forward to now, Vin Diesel told the press that the beef had been squashed and what he referred to as a tough love approach had caused the Rock to back down and sign on for Fast 10,

which is the final movie. Wow. There are 10 of these movies? There's a final one? There's more than 10. Yeah, they announced that the 10th one is going to be the last movie. If you want to understand what this is like, like initially this was a ridiculous franchise, okay?

But then they added The Rock as a character who in one scene gets a plastic cast off his arm by flexing. You've got to have The Rock. Like, he's the ultimate version of what this movie is, right, John. Like, you know, The Rock actually seems to know what kind of movie he's in. I think Vin Diesel thinks he's in Hamlet with Sports Cars. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Union for Looney Tunes actors. Hello.

Hi, hi, I've got a bit of a problem with my role. You see, I've actually got a master in French literature, but my boss just keeps making me put on this horrible French accent and play some kind of rapist skunk. Yeah, it's incredibly racist and I think it's going to ruin my career. I'm so sorry to hear that, but we actually have a racist boss tribunal and we've won against all the big animators, including like

Disney and, you know, he was a Nazi. You're in good hands. Podcasting is getting so popular, isn't it? Alexa and Gabby, everyone's got a podcast now. Oh, yeah? Oh. Even Nick Kierios. Nick Kierios has one called No Boundaries as just his opinion. He's got a lot to say about a lot of stuff. And we haven't had him on his house yet.

I know, got to get on that. And the first thing he said, this is the thing that's called, like, made news headlines. I don't think the Australian Open should go ahead just for the people in Melbourne. You've got to send a message, he said. How long did Melbourne do in lockdown? 275 days or something? Yeah. So as a result, the best thing to do for the people of Melbourne is, after all this time spent at home,

is to cancel their favourite sporting event in January. Yeah. So that they can't leave their homes and go to something fun. Right. Got to teach them a lesson. Do you think he's trying to make, make the reentry more genuine? gentle. Don't get them out congregating together. It'll blow their minds. I think he's concerned about public health. You know, you've got this big event with a huge crowd. I think he's just

meandering and trying to find a way to say it's too dangerous. Well, the weird thing is he then says, know that Jokovic should be allowed to come and you can't force people to get vaccinated. He's vaccinated. So not being vaccinated is too nutty even for Nick Krios. But Jokovic probably isn't. And in fact, as he mentioned, Djokovic had this tournament last year called the Adria tour in Serbia. Great success. Brought lots of people to my home country. It was a super spedder event.

They not only did like half the players, including Djokovic, get COVID from each other. But they went out, there's all this video of them on the dance floor, just sweating and basically like they're shirts off sweating all over each other. That sounds like a party. As though there was no pandemic. It was just insane. Yeah. Is that what part, like, is living in Serbia basically?

A big COVID. Just a big shirts off sweaty party. Yeah, look, as long as the Serbian community doesn't kill me, I reckon it was a big mistake having that party. But Serbia was on a high at that time. We were playing both sides. We got the Chinese Vax. We got the US Vax. We got the American Vax. We got the British Vax. All the balls were in your court. We felt unstoppable. But I guess nothing helps if you're Jockovic and you're not vaxed. But for Serbians, is Djokovic like he can do no wrong? He's just the greatest ever.

Usually, yeah, pretty much, yeah. No, to be fair, with the Australian Open, you know, I'm militantly pro-vaxed, but I think Jokovic doesn't need to be faxed because, now this is actually reasonable. He's had COVID, so he's got antibodies in there, you know. He's tougher than all of us, and he's big and strong and good-looking and good at tennis. I fear there might be an ulterior motive here for why Jokovic should come for Alexa. Do you want to go and dance on a sweaty dance floor with Nović? Novak, if you're listening.

I mean, Novak, if you want to start a podcast, you absolutely should call it Shirts off with Djokovic. Honestly, don't know who the more insane podcast guest wouldn't be Novak Djokovic or Nick Krios. Our gears from road microphones were part of the A-Cast creator network. Please leave us a review. Five stars would be kind, wouldn't it? Shirts off is the code so afraid to say today like Novak would do it. And we'll catch you in the afternoon edition.