The Chaser Report - The Christian Porter Film Festival | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

Charles tries to recruit Gabbi and Dom to judge his brand new short-film competition: The Christian Porter Film Festival, while Craig provides Christian Porter with some flawless legal solutions. Plus, Lachlan has accidentally begun a quest to become the most sponsored podcast host in Australia. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Love. Fun fact, Love was invented by the Romans to sell Valentine's Day cards, chocolate and edible underwear. Wow. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday the 16th of September 2021, Dom Knight, Gabby Bolt and Charles Firth. With you and Charles, I was so excited this morning to learn that there's a new film festival in. town. Which is that we are running the Christian Porter short film competition, right?

Oh, this will go well. It's a true competition. We're offering $500 as the top prize. $500. Who's giving us the $500? Are we announcing who that is a resident of blind trust? So usually we would, you know, like to keep all the jokes about Christian Porter to ourselves. Yeah, we might write a sketch or something.

Yeah. But Christian Border has become such a massive joke that there's enough to share around. Allegedly, allegedly a joke. Oh, yeah. And the thing is, you know, like there must be dozens of uni reviews, you know, who are all wanting to perform, you know, in the coming months, but they're in lockdown. So you're going to spread the opportunities to create Christian Portabase Humor and also spread the liability. I think that's very sensible.

I was just going to say, he can't sue all of us. And this is part of the thing is I talk to the lawyer about setting this competition up. And did you know, interesting, fun fact, there's actually no law against inciting defamation. Yes, especially since it very clearly says on the website for the competition that you shouldn't defame Christian Porter, which is obviously the official position of all of us. Absolutely. And the whole way we want to do it is, we don't want to just have these videos for ourselves. We want them shared on social media.

So all you've got to do is share your video sketch. You can just be a piece of mockery, vulgar abuse. You can do like interpretive dance if you want. Yeah. I mean, you could probably just run some of his speech from Parliament House. Not sure we're allowed to use parliamentary footage for that purpose. But you find out. You get your own legal advice on that.

Yeah, you get your own legal advice. And all you do is you upload it to your social media platform of choice. Include the hashtag Christian Porter is a joke and we'll judge. Actually, I haven't appointed the judging panel yet. Dom and Gabby, do you want to be the judges? Oh, that can't go wrong. Yeah, why not? Sure.

Sure. Well, because I did actually say in the competition, rules that judges to students are final, however, they are open to receiving large anonymous donations through a blind trust. Oh, then I'm all in. However, those donations will not affect the final result at all because the judges won't even know who made the donations, eh, wink me? Good one.

Good one, Charles. Get it? Yeah, no, good one. I can't wait to see what you come up with and look at what happened subsequently with your lawyers. On today's show, actually, Craig is going to bring his flawless solutions to Christian Porter's situation. I'm sure he'll be very grateful. Oh, that would be very useful.

Plus, Loughlin is dropping in. He reckons that he's going to solve the financial problems of our organisation. He always reckons that, but this time at least I know he's done a whole bunch of work. Oh, that's good. But coming up, Rebecca Dayunamuno in the Chaser Newsroom straight after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore?

FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who said it would be wrong to blindly trust Christian Porter's alleged victim, has blindly trusted the intentions of an unnamed millionaire funding Porter's legal fees. The former Attorney General told the media, that he has nothing to hide,

except for the defence mounted against him in his lawsuit and also the details about who funded his lawsuit. Meanwhile, Christian Porter has caused a scene at his local coffee shop after he demanded that the barista redact his name from his coffee cup and that everyone in the coffee shop be barred from speaking to the press ever again. The redaction enthusiast said he had nothing to hide and that he just liked redacting stuff for no reason whatsoever. Tasmania has successfully towed its island over to New Zealand.

With the rest of Australia arguing about COVID, the island state decided to make a break for New Zealand while nobody was looking by attaching an outboard motor to the west coast and pumping its way across the ditch. However, when they arrived, New Zealand said they were only welcome to stay for two or three days because they were only really interested in seeing Mona and perhaps going to a whiskey distillery or two.

This has been the latest Chaser News you can't trust. Please subscribe or follow us in your podcast app and tell your friends about The Chaser Report, but only if you've got something nice to say. I'm Rebecca Dana-Muno, and I regret nothing. The Chaser Report is sponsored by love. But what is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.

And that is from a little band called Maroon Five. Yes, Craig is here once again. to continue his flawless record of not solving the world's problems. Hello, Craig. Good to be here, guys. I must admit, I hate taking time out for my full-time job to do this at the moment because literally, since Crikey published Craig Kelly's number, I just spend every hour of the day calling it and asking if Mr and Mrs. Wall are there.

It's just such a tiresome job, but somebody has to do it. Yeah, I feel for you, mate. Yeah, it's tough. The great thing about being Craig Kelly is that he doesn't get, he doesn't pick up. It's the same joke every time. Does he just always say, no, they're not. Like that? Yeah, exactly.

And I say, oh, are there any walls there? And he says, no. And I say, well, then what's halting up your roof? And I laugh for a while and he's confused. And then we just. And does he then go, why you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I could also imagine a lot of fun with him going, who is this? And you go, it's Craig. And he goes, no, I'm Craig. And then you go to, I'm Craig. That probably goes for half an hour, right? Now, but I know you've already guys have been talking about this, but I've been called in to find a flawless solution to the problem of Christian Porter.

Oh, finally. A million dollars on, you know. I mean, he's stuffed that up, hasn't he? Like, he's misunderstood the way, having just done this doco on political donations. The way it's meant to work, right, is that you're meant to hide from the public where the money is coming from. You're not meant to hide from the politician. That removes the very point of giving the money in the first place.

Yeah, yeah. So dark. It's like a tooth fairy, but way more like intense. It's more like the money. Yeah, probably. Just like hundreds and millions of $2. Oh, maybe it is. He's just his parents put it there under his bed.

Yeah. How many fucking teeth you have to leave? I actually think that that method might work in a different way through process of elimination because obviously like allegedly the buzz is that he actually does know who paid the bill but he can't say it's a little bit of corruption right what a ridiculous suggestion if we if we yeah as I said allegedly so we can't get fucking sued but that's not how it works I'm yet to understand defamation law until I see it I will just believe it's a myth but anyway that method of everyone claiming the money some man in parliament's ego will not allow

for everyone to take credit for it. It'll get to the point where it's like, no, no, I did it. I actually did it. And then boom, you find out who your donor is. You find out who it is, exactly. Yeah. Except I don't think it's somebody in Parliament that's done it. That would be defeated the purpose as well.

Scott wouldn't be able to keep it for himself. He would have been constantly announcing it. I paid these. He would have announced that he was giving a million dollars, but never done it. That's how you could rule out. If he did, it would have been like six months too late. Christian gets in debt. And he's like, oh, I thought I paid that.

I like to think it's Sam Dastyari, just spreading the Chinese billions around. And just to drag more people down. I think that would be delightful. But look, I think the best solution I've come up with is actually not that one, right? And that is this, is just that the problem with this is that it's suggesting them in some ways, if, hypothetically speaking, I know Gabby suggests some chance, that he would know.

Only a little. Yeah. So there's the suggestion that he could be corrupted by that knowledge, right? So we need to set up a system whereby every politician when they get elected gets given a million dollar fund from the public purse to sue the ABC. You just said that everyone's got a million dollars to sue the ABC. It's a level playing field. Yes.

And that way it's not corruptible because we're all funding. unnecessary legal fees against the ABC. Or people on the ABC. I mean, you could sue me as well. Yeah, I think that does work. I mean, it strikes me maybe another thing is to make it a rule that ministers can't sue the ABC. That would be another approach. And then we would save money and then the ABC wouldn't get sued.

What about that as a solution? But Charles, that wouldn't allow Christian Porter to defend his reputation. because that's what's happened. Since he started seeing the ABC, all these problems have gone away, haven't you noticed? What everyone should do is everyone should call Craig Kelly on 049-49-39-39-3-2-4-1 and ask him for Christian Porter's phone number

and everyone should then call Christian Porter and say, hello, so-and-so, I'm the million-dollar donor. So that he's so confused by the end. So it means that the actual person who is the million-dollar, the daughter. Hypothetically speaking, if he does tell Christian with a few winks and nods, Christian would be like, that's bullshit. Gabby Bolt did it. She told me, guys. Yeah. Well, I am the premier now too, so there's lots of secrets you don't know about me. And you know what? The genius solution here is that the ask, you know, now that Christian Porter owes us, the ask on him

should be now, you know, in your payback for giving you the million dollars, you've got to set up a federal ICAC. But that's what we want out of you. That's our Pounder Fleth. Wouldn't they be brilliant? What a crazy request. He couldn't do it when he's Attorney General. I don't think he'd be able to do it now. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser Report is sponsored by love.

You can be all out of it, hopelessly in it, or making it. Hell, I'm giving myself some right now, and I'm done. Now, Lachlan's here, Gabby and Charles, and he's got a brilliant idea to get the thing that we love most of all, free shit. Nice. Hello, Lachlan. Hi, that's exactly what I've come here to do today.

As you know, I've come in with all sorts of schemes to make money before, and I say that I've found a way to make the podcast financially viable every time, but this time I actually have, for me anyway. Oh, yeah. What, for you? I thought it was going to be freestars for everyone. It's this amazing new way. Rather than to make money, it's to save money.

And the listeners at home can actually get on board with it if they want to as well. Oh, great. Yeah, so if anyone's listening at home and you want to save a couple of bucks on the side, all you need to do this scheme is a chart-topping daily podcast. podcast. Right. Something everyone can have. We've all got one at home.

As we'd be aware, our podcast has gained quite a following in the last couple of months. And we've actually started to get paid sponsors. People are lining up to be associated with our podcast. And if I learnt anything from failing a unit of business studies, it's that where there's demand, there's always a way for Loughlin to cash in. Ah, right. So usually when sponsors associate with us, they pay us in money. Yes.

But I can't ask for thousands of dollars. It's not a good deal and it's not going to be sustainable for if I want to keep getting sponsored. What I can ask for is free stuff. Right. This is a good idea. So you're leveraging the Taser Report's good name to get them to send you all their shit. Absolutely. You're becoming an influencer.

So what I did was I took my shopping list. I found every single item on it. And for every single thing there, I emailed that brands marketing department offering them a deal that they can. cannot refuse. Wow. How many people did you email? I started initially emailing about two dozen companies didn't really feel like enough. So actually I reached out to the interns and I said, hey guys, what's on your wish list? Gabby, I think you had a few things that you wanted. We said lots of things. We said like Lego. We said shoes. I personally said a menstrual cup because that shit's expensive. And I thought it would be very funny if a menstrual cup company could actually

give a menstrual cup to Loughlin. That was a pretty weird email that I had to send. But yeah, Everything from shoes to beer to medicine to toys to tech. And now I've emailed 76 different companies and counting. Oh, wow. So we're going to get 76 different products, Lachlan? When are they arriving? Admittedly, admittedly it didn't start off smoothly. And we did quickly get a couple of rejections.

For instance, I know Zander asked for a Lego set to play within the office, but Lego quickly got back to me saying, sorry, we don't really want to send you any free Lego. Cabri as well. Everyone loves chocolate, so we thought free chocolate would be nice. Yes. But apparently just like Lego, there's just not enough blocks to give away. So quickly got pretty disappointed there. But wait, Lachlan, so what I'm hearing is you sent out 76 emails. How many emails came back rejections? This is what's exciting is before I lost hope, things started to gain traction. And I may have accidentally started something bigger than myself here. So companies have started getting back to me saying that,

they're excited to actually sponsor me in this new project that I haven't even started yet. What was initially a plan for me to save a couple of bucks on the side has now accidentally snowballed into me trying to become the most sponsored podcast presenter ever. Wow. Fair way to go. I mean, Hamish and Andy have money out the wazoo for free. There's lots of competition. So if there's any potential sponsors listening, give me a call.

My phone number is 04.9. 9-3-216-763. I'll give you my address. Get in touch. Send freebies. Buy me a house, please. I'm ready to sell out. I'll just note that you didn't actually answer the question. Has anyone actually sent you anything? Yeah. So we do actually have a few things coming in the mail. Hell yeah. Oh, really? I won't spoil them just yet because, you know, I'd like to actually get the things before I shout the brands out. While I'm here, my beloved bosses, is there anything I can get you? I want to extend this offer. What do you guys want? you're a master on the bass guitar. Can I get you a guitar? I'd love a new bass, sure. Why not?

Would you like hair implants, Charles? Anything. Oh, fuck you. Advanced hair. I don't know. I mean, do Coke dealers? I don't think they do. Well, I've just given them my phone number. 0493-216-763. It's out there. At the very least, someone will give you a better phone, surely. Yeah, anyone can come to me as long as they're willing to give me free stuff. So it's a vision of Lachlan, Australia's most sponsored podcast host. Reading between the line, it's a bit of a standing start, but it just means you've got all the

fun and joy to have as you deliver on this promise. By the way, Lockeland, I think it's a good time for Charles Knight to tell you that you are now getting paid in the free stuff that you accumulate. Yeah, that's right. We'll be deducting the full cash value from your pay slip each week. Oh, cool. So 100 times zero still equals what? All right, Lockland, good luck.

Not so much for you as for us. Thank you very much, Dom. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at FIS.ca. This podcast is sponsored by love, something that if you're in your 20s and listening to The Chaser Report, your parents clearly didn't give you enough of. Me too, man. Me too. Just before we go, the results for our listener survey are in Gabby and Charles, we've got to make some changes. Goody. Is that good or bad?

Well, every episode's going to have to be under 20 minutes. That's one thing that's requested. So this is going to be a very short outro, much shorter than usual. Thanks, everyone. Thank you for listening. We're sponsored by Acaster and our gear is from Road. See you next week. Not quite that short, but Charles, there's not as much space as usual for your stories about your kids, I'm sorry.

And my arming and iring. We'll have to cut my aming and urring. We already do, Charles. I have a whole sound bank of just that. Also, more Gabby is being requested. More interns in general, actually. They're very popular with the audience. Oh, thanks.

And there are some people that think Charles is a brilliant genius who doesn't need to change. But that recommendation is not being implemented. I would like to thank all my family for answering the listener survey. So that's all the time we have. Please leave a review on Apple Podcasts. It helps us enormously move up the charts and make more money so we can keep doing this. We like to read them out on a Friday, so please make them funny. Please subscribe or follow the podcast in your app of

choice. That helps us too. Our goose remote microphones are part of the ACAST Creator Network. That's just under 20 minutes. Catch you tomorrow. We did it. Oh, actually, it's now over 20 minutes. Shit.