The Chaser Report - The Corona Free Podcast

Episode Date: April 16, 2020

In the very first edition of The Chaser Report, Charles, Dom & Andrew vow to make the podcast totally free of corona virus talk. Sadly, the gang immediately launch into chat about corona virus and the phenomenon of panic buying that has led to shortages in everything from toilet paper to white bread. Andrew takes a look at the different ways that celebrities are reaching out to their fans from isolation, while Dom examines some of the unique ways different countries are handling the crisis. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational, and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the first ever episode of The Chaser Report. The only podcast about current affairs that you know you can't trust. I'm Charles Firth and joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight. We've got a huge first episode today and it's actually a bit of a treat for

anyone who's sick about hearing about the coronavirus. Andrew, are you sick of hearing about the coronavirus? Oh, hell yes. Yes, I'm so, especially on, on podcasts I find. They're always rabbiting on about the current, these endless coronavirus podcasts. I'm switching them off. Yes. Dom, are you sick of it?

I'm sick of it and I'm sick of being asked whether I'm sick of it. I mean, this has been the conversation of the past week. Everyone I see, frankly, I'm considering contracting COVID just to get into an isolated room. So I don't have people asking me if they're sick of hearing about it. Well, you're in for a treat today because we've decided to have a completely corona-free show for you today. We're not going to talk about the coronavirus at all. And it's a bit of a break from the relentlessness of it all. I even actually made up a little sting for it.

This show is a corona-free zone. Yeah, so anyway, let's have a look at what's coming up on the show today. Andrew is talking about coronavirus videos made by celebrities. But, you know, after that, I'm sure it'll be 100% corona-free. Oh, except for Dom, who'll be looking at all the worst approaches to the virus that governments have had around the world. That sounds like a barrel of laughs, Dom. But there will be some pauses in which we don't discuss coronavirus.

Yeah, yeah, there'll be lots of pauses where it'll be 100% Corona Free a promise. But first, let's check in with Rebecca Day Unamuno for the latest Chaser news headlines. The ABC has come under fire for reporting the fact that Cardinal George Pell had been convicted of molesting children, admitting they should have been more like the church and just covered it all up. The ABC said it would punish the reporters involved by moving them to another parish. Bad news for New Zealand today after it was revealed that its Prime Minister Jacinda Ardurne is now so successful that she's legally an Australian. Scott Morrison apologised to all New Zealanders for the inconvenience, but pointed

out that when a New Zealander reaches a certain level of success, they automatically become Australian and there's nothing anyone can do about it. To sport, the NRL has admitted that its timeline for resuming play in late May was too optimistic. Peter Valandie said it will now only come back for the most important date in the NRL calendar. Mad Monday. Pubs and clubs and Cocaine dealers have all welcome the news. That's the Chase of Report headlines, news you can't trust. Oh, thanks, Beck. Now, hey, Beck, how are you coping with the lockdown?

Well, I've always drunk too much and just stayed at home, so I haven't noticed any difference. Fair enough. Now, this is still a corona-free episode, but guys, it is great to see the toilet paper back on the shelves again. Well, I mean, this is the thing, Charles. You know, have you got something? in your house? Well, actually, we're looking a bit, uh, we, we, there's a few weeks there where

I seriously just considered giving all the kids, uh, white bread only for morning, noon and night, uh, just to sort of block them up so that we didn't go through the toilet paper so far as, because I was seriously worried that we're going to run out. Haven't you got lots of copies of the Chaser quarterly there that, um, they could use? The problem with the white bread approach, of course, is that there's no, there's also no white bread either. So, um, look, I don't know about you guys, but I've been stocking up on just things that appeal to me. You know, I'm not a buyer of toilet paper or white bread or the things that you see are gone on the shelves.

I became addicted to Dijon mustard earlier like last year, and I have to slather it onto bloody everything. So the thing that I've been panicked buying is a large number of jars of Dijon, because I have a bit of an addiction, and I'm a bit worried there might be a shortage. So, you know, I thought, what if the supply lines dry up?

and it can't only be me though like I just wondered if there's something that you really like that you've been wise I won't say panic buying because you'll get arrested but wisely stocking up on Donnie?

Oh toilet paper I mean I was I really nailed it I got that who gives us a crap stuff the day before they finished producing it I put it in the order for the 48 double length rolls so I have enough toilet paper for months and months and months

no food but a lot of toilet paper so in that sense So we aren't pooing at all because we're starving and on the verge of death, but they can wrap us in the toilet paper in the coffin, perhaps. It's interesting you stocked up on Dijon mustard. Out of interest, Andrew, did you actually, have you now found yourself, you know, in a position where you're now in a shortage of Dijon mustard? Like, have you stocked up enough?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Look, I'm going to get arrested. If a gendarme comes over to my place, and seize the number of jars of Dijon that I've got. I'm in real trouble. Have you thought about making a bit of a quid out of it, like selling a few on Gumb Tree or something? Oh, hell yes.

Yeah. Well, exactly, because I'm sure you haven't found any Dijon at your supermarket because I bought it. That's why it's not there. So, yes, I found that I can sell it for as much as 10 or 15 cents more than the original jar of Dijon mustard actually costs. I've got some of that dumb Aldi Dijon mustard. That's almost as good.

It's a lot cheaper. I'll tell you what I was very lucky getting, though, is I actually got the last two jars. This is absolutely true in the coals of Peck's paste. I got one bottle, one jar of salmon and lobster, and there was only one jar left of Antchavit. You know things are desperate when the Antibet pex paste is running low. Charles, that was not running low.

That's because the supermarket only keeps one jar, normally. I've never heard of that. I must say it was amazing because in the middle of this pandemic where everything was in shortage, there were only two jars, but they were still 50% off. It was two for the price of one. Of course they were. It's revolting. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Okay, well, of course, as we're all in lockdown, the people that we turn to more than any others are, of course, not the doctors. No, not the the frontline health workers, but the famous people. They're the ones who I think are going to see us through this situation.

So I've put together a little game, Dom and Charles. It's a game about celebrity isolation videos. You know those sort of inspiring videos that celebrities pose to make us feel better? And this game is called Isolibriety. Now, the game works like this. I'm going to play you a Celebrity Isolation Video. your job is to guess which famous person is sharing their advice or calming thoughts or whatever it may be just by listening to the sound of their voice.

I'm ready to be inspired. Now let's start with, now Charles, you can play this one. This is probably a bit of an easy one. This particular famous guy is delivering his video while relaxing in a luxurious spa bath at home and smoking an enormous fat cigar at the same time. Now, let's just have a listen to this one. And I just, you know, keep staying at home, the way from the crowds and away from outside.

The reason why I'm saying that is because I still see photographs and videos of people sitting in outside cafes all over the world and having a good time and hanging out in crowds. That is not wise because that's how you can get the virus. Yeah, well, that's pretty easy. That's Arnold Schwarzenegger, isn't it? Yeah, you're right. That is Arnold Schwarzenegger, yes, indeed.

Hasn't you got kind of wild animals in the house roaming around? He does have a wild animal in this video. He's got this adorable little dog who's snuffling around behind him, actually. And I worry about the dog, you know, secondhand smoking from the big fat stogi in Arni's mouth. I can't think it's very good for the dog. But anyway, that's his advice. The best way to combat a respiratory virus is to sit in a spa and smoke a bit. Big fat cigar from Cuba.

All right. Did he have his maid in the spa bath as well? I think she might have been bubbling away under the water there, Dommy. Just beneath the frame of the shot, I don't know. Now, here's one for you, Domina. This one's a bit more of a challenge. You might have to sort of, we're thinking movie stars here, especially sort of lighthearted, comical movie stars.

And I'll give you a hint. This actress has appeared in a lot of, movies with Woody Allen. Anyway, she's posted this video. She's wearing a surgical mask in this video, and I'm not entirely sure why, but she's also accompanied by her dog. Let's have a listen to this one. This is me, and this is what we're going through. Everybody is hunkered in. I don't have anybody to hunker in with except my 15-year-old dog. This is Emmy. I'm going to give her a kiss, because I can. because I have this on, see, so I'm safe.

Here we go. Emmy, I love you, and you love you so much. Well, if she was surrounded by lots of refugee children, I would have said to Mia Farrow, but because she's being quirky and adorable, I think it's Diane Keaton. You are right, dummy. Yes, indeed.

Diane Keaton, beautifully guest, yes. Along with her 15-year-old dog, so if it makes you feel better, you can watch Diane Keaton smooching up to her 15-year-old dog because I don't think we'll see her smooching up to Woody Allen in a movie any time soon. I think Woody Allen wanted to smooch up to the 15-year-old. What is it with him wanting to cast 15-year-old dogs

in all these movies? What is this obsession? It's very rude to Sudhir. What it is. Yes. They all have to wear surgical masks, of course. All right. Now, Charles, I'm going to hit you with this one.

Now, this is a bit of a, this is, there's actually two people in this video, two famous people. Okay. You are free to guess, they're both pop singers. You can guess either or both of them. And here, I'll introduce them, they're trying to sort of wrangle through the terrible, terrible lives that extremely rich young pop singers have under isolation. Let's take a listen. How are you doing in this time of like, so much time to go pick ourselves apart.

Like last night before I got in the shower, I had this big full-length mirror and I totally started bullying myself. Like, too much time to bully me. What do you do in those times? I mean, it's okay. Like, we're going through such a hard time right now. It's okay to, like, have a moment, like, and eat, like, shit.

As long as you pick yourself back up, life is about balance. Oh, I don't know. I have no idea, but they sound awful. They sound like awful, awful, awful people. So I'm going to guess Ellen DeGeneres. Hang. Hang on, Ellen's great.

To me, they both sound like Justin Bieber. Pretty good guest, Tommy. Pretty close, Tommy. They both sound like Mibber. What about Kyle, what's her name, Kylie Jenner or something? One of the Jenner's. No, Pupsing. Rhyming, it rhymes with that.

Look, I'll give it away. That was Miley Cyrus chatting to BB Rexa about all the difficulties you face when, you know, you've got to be at home, alone, in a four-room mansion with no children to look after. I mean, it must be hard. I think Liam Hemsworth got well out of leaving based on that. Yeah, otherwise, he would have had to be part of the conversation, the poor guy.

All right, now let's do one more here. Dommy, here's an actress for you. Now, this is an exciting one because this is a bath video, so it's not just a celebrity isolation video. This actress is telling us how to make the ideal bath if you're the sort of person who, you know, is able to have luxurious baths during the current time. Well, let's listen to this one. I just wanted to do a little video because I'm going to tell you how I take my detox bath.

I made a bubble bath and I'm going to put some thieves oil. It's something that you can get. This one's Young Living. Do a couple drops of that for all around good wellness immunity. Yeah, look, she's said wellness immunity. and detox, so it's got to be Gwyneth, surely. Yeah. No, that's a good guess.

It's actually not Gwyneth Paltrow, surprisingly. Yeah, yeah. Despite the inclusion of thieves oil in the bath, whatever that may be. Have you ever heard of thieves oil? What is that? Well, no, every time I try to go to the shop to buy some, it's gone because it's been stolen. Oh, bloody, oh, God. Yellow card.

Who's a younger Gwyneth? She did sound a bit younger than Gwyneth. Well, look, I'll give you a hint. Have you seen the show? Just think of the show Mad Men. I'll give you a hint. It's an actress from the show Mad Men. Now, I'm going to play you a little bit more of the bath video because I don't think you've heard enough ingredients from this particular actress. Let's continue with the bath. Thanks, Mike. And then I'm going to pour in a small thing, a baking soda. Take it out of your fridge. I know who it is. Do you know who it is? Somebody who thinks that baking soda is kept in a fridge. I reckon it's January giant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's taking a bath in thieves oil, baking soda and about 40 other ingredients. Yeah, but you do, but Andrew, you do keep baking soda in your fridge because it stops your fridge from smelling. Don't you know that? You're an idiot. Oh, but then would you take a bath in it? No. No, you wouldn't.

Yeah, no, because doesn't it absorb all the sort of smells of the camembere in your fridge or your Dijon mustard, in my case? And then you'd pour that, you'd reek if you had a bath. in fridge baking soda. Oh, my goodness. All right, well, look, let's just take a listen to how long January Jones expects people to stay in this baking soda bath. And then you just sit in there for a good, at least 20 minutes, I guess.

As long as you can handle it, as warm as you can handle it, and then you're going to sweat while you're in it, and then for another good 20, 30 minutes when you get out. So you can read a book or listen to a podcast or whatever you want to do. while you sit there and enjoy. Is she starting to actually bake with all the baking soda in the bath over the 20 minutes? Oh, at the end of the video,

she looks like a loaf of banana bread. It's an extraordinary video. So that's fine, you know, depending, as long as you've got 50 minutes to just sweat in some baking soda and thieves oil, you know, presuming you're not desperately hunting for a job or trying to look after a family or something like that. But look, if you do have time,

then my advice is, Don't use that time watching celebrity isolation videos. Aren't we lucky to have celebrities to tell us what to do at our hour of need? Well, look, not to be out done, Domney and Charles, because, you know, I'm not going to miss out on this celebrity look at me stuff. I want people to be looking at me as well. You know, the Andrew Hanson Facebook page, as far as I'm concerned, this is my chance to get lots and lots of likes, especially because I've just created it for this purpose. and I've actually made my own celebrity isolation video.

So, you know, if you enjoy celebrities telling you that everything's going to be all right, well, I've put together a little single, little music video that I've made at home. It's a song that I like to call The Pandemic Panic. When the world is tough, seems like endless night, celebrities are telling us that it'll be all right. So let me offer something to help us all get. through make sure we're okay here's something all of us can do let's panic let's panic screaming hollering manic shrieking moan and spew and groan that panic can't walk out the door do nothing anymore no salons pubs or mechanics and like the only thing we're allowed to do is panic

the shows are there the only past it there is the 30-buck chick to be organic so moving down with a great big frown and panic let's panic that's all panic Crows, screaming, hollering, manic. Chips, shriek and moan and spew and grow and panic. There's no new movies when your partner says, Let's re-watch Titanic. The only thing you can do about that is panic. Take the first bit of pandemic, and the last bit of pandemic.

Put them together, and what do you get? Panic! Let's panic, let's panic. Crap, screaming, hollering, manic, manic. Just shriek and moan and spew and grow the panic. But you know, there's something wonderful with the whole world freaking out. For the first time in history, something we can all agree about

we should panic panic crap screaming hollering manic and moan and spew and grow the panic at last we're all united black white Asian and Hispanic Christian Muslim and satanic communists and democratic sedimentary igneous volcanic united all together in a one world panic Thank you Andrew I feel so safe The Chaser Report, less news, more often. Today's episode is brought to you by Harsons' divorce lawyers. For some reason, Harsons' business is thriving at the moment.

Harsen's divorce lawyers. Dom, you're married. Have you been considering divorce? Of course. Andrew, how about you? Oh, every day, Charles. In a time of personal turmoil, leaving your family is a great way to achieve lasting happiness. Oh, let's face it, it'll be strange not to be considering it at a time like this.

Exactly. Harsen's divorce lawyers, tell them you heard about them on the Chaser report, and you'll get 50% of your second divorce. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Now, not entirely a coronavirus-free segment. I'm terribly sorry, Charles, but we all know that in Australia we're trying to beat COVID-19 by staying at home. It's looking good so far, but what if there was an easier way? So I thought I'd bring to the table some of the other countries who are struggling with COVID. So I want to look at how some other countries are coping with COVID

and see if maybe we can learn something from them. Let's go to Panama, first of all, where they're separating people by gender. So men and women get to leave their homes on alternate days. That's system in Panama, which is a dream come true for the gay and lesbian communities. Unfortunately, for men and women who actually live together, you can still just get it off each other.

There's another rule, which is that nobody can go out on Sundays at all. That's not actually because of COVID. That's to keep them safe from Catholic priests, though. What do you think? Would that work here? What's the logic behind only allowing one gender to roam the streets? What's the thinking? Well, particularly because women always go to the bathroom together.

Yeah, like it doesn't make any sense to me. While we're speaking of stupid ideas, let's go to Sweden. Now, what they've decided there is that they don't need any lockdowns. They're leaving everything open, and they've just said, if you're feeling it'll stay at home. So it's basically the IKEA approach. Just do it yourself and make a massive mess of everything. So life in Sweden's actually continuing as normal.

The cafes are open, the restaurants are open. You can go out for a sauna, near Scandinavia, and everything is fine except for the 1,000 people that have died. Other than for them, life is wonderful in Sweden. I'm surprised to hear that Sweden's doing this because the only thing I know about Swedes is what I know about Abba. And I'm pretty sure that every member of Abba has been living as a recluse for the last 38 years or something.

So I just assumed Swedes would be into that whole thing. Well, unfortunately, the aged care facilities have really been copying it from coronavirus, but before all the grannies die, they can get in a lovely sauna. So that's one approach. Now, over to Malaysia, be closer to home, and they've got a partial lockdown there, and the women's ministry helpfully posted a cartoon telling wives to dress up, wear makeup, and avoid nagging their husbands during the lockdown. And it worked really well.

All the women in Malaysia stopped getting cross with their husbands and got furious with the women's ministry instead. I like this approach. This is the first sensible approach that I think, and I think this is the sort of approach that Scott Morrison would actually get on board with. It's a sort of family's first type of thing, isn't it? Or at least, or, you know, husbands first, I guess.

Is this the first time that you're not allowed to nag in Malaysia? Was nagging fine before this in Malaysia? I suspect it was open season. And how do you enforce that? Like, can you get the cops to come in and fine your wife a thousand dollars for nagging you? If they nag you'd have to go and work at the women's ministry, I imagine. Are you allowed to nag?

Are you allowed to drive somewhere and then nag? I'm not sure you can. I'm troubled, but I think you're on to something there, Charles. How do they pollute? Maybe there's an app. Can the husbands get a nagging app that detects nagging and switches on? Just you zoom like everyone else, I guess. Is that what happens?

It's not very equal. Shouldn't there be some sort of, you know, reciprocal arrangement for men? Like, don't you think, you know, like if women aren't allowed to nag, what are men not allowed to do? Oh, like, leave the seat up or something. There should be an app for that. And you kind of get slapped for the fine. Yeah, $16,000. Yeah.

I think it'd be worth also every man in Malaysia singing happy birthday while they put the toilet seat down just to make sure that they do it properly. Let's go to Wuhan in China, where, of course, they've achieved a total victory over COVID-19. There are some reports that the real figure there of deaths is not 2,500, but 47,000, but of course that's just pig dog Western propaganda, not to be believed at all. So that said, the government is still encouraging people to stay at home when their loved ones inevitably die. And what they've introduced is the digital funeral. So instead of gathering in person, you have an e-funeral, you perform an electronic bow to your ancestors, offer them a virtual glass of liqueur

or light an online cigar with an online lighter. What do you think of that idea? I like this, but I think you've got to gamify it a little bit more. Like, I think you want to, you know, be able to earn V-bucks if you, I don't know what you do. You dig the grade. Funeral points or something. Yeah, yeah, F-bucks. Coffan-olers or something.

Credits for your own inevitable funeral. I think it's a great idea. Yeah, I like it. I mean, to me, it's a great chance to attend a funeral without having to pretend that you knew the dead person or cared. about them very much. I think it's excellent. Now, the best response, I think, anywhere in the world, though, we've got to go to Belarus, where the President Alexander Lukashenko claims that nobody has died or will die from coronavirus. And he's actually come up with not one cure, but several cures. I want to see what you think of these. You can cure COVID-19, he says, by drinking vodka,

which we're all trying anyway, I think. That's a very good idea. I endorse that. I medically endorse that. What about this one? Driving a tractor? I think it's just standard in Belarus. that's Belarus they're always pushing the tractor that's hilarious because I know like all governments are trying to prop up all their industries and the Belarus everything will be shut down except for essential tractors and saunas he says you can cure it if you go to a sauna

which is definitely the sexiest way to get COVID-19 I'm thinking well you haven't seen who goes to saunas dummy especially in Belarus yeah exactly they're all full of pastry dumplings and things you know, these are not good-looking sauna people. And they drive their tractor in to the sauna as well. You've got to fit the tractor in there. It's an awful situation.

And his final suggestion is, and I'm not making this up, playing with baby goats. And I'm not clear on what version of playing with baby goats he means. But sounds like that's just his personal, his personal peccadillo to me. That just sounds like he's got a little kinky thing for baby goats and he doesn't want that to be illegal. No, no, but I think that is true because it's working in news.

New Zealand have hardly any cases, and they've got a huge amount of sheep. That's not the same as a goat jar. You've conflated a sheep and a goat to make a New Zealand reference there. It's very unfair. What, you're saying they're different? I wonder if you can combine them all, if you can drink vodka while driving a tractor to a sauna to play with the baby goats. You'd definitely be safe there.

The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Okay, guys, we're almost at the end of the show. And we hardly mentioned coronavirus once, which is great. But now it's time for... International Global News World Roundup. Yes, time to catch up with the latest important news from around the world

in a village called Kepu in Indonesia. They've come up with a great way to get people to stay indoors during the COVID-19 crisis. People are paid by the police to dress up as ghosts in white bedsheets. They've been patrolling the street to scare people and, I quote, promote social distancing. And apparently people actually believe in these ghosts across Indonesia. And they're called Pukong in Bahasa. So would have Pocong in the street work on you?

Would you want to stay inside, do you think? Well, yeah, I think that would work on me. I mean, I'm not actually scared of ghosts, but I'm terrified of sheets. So that would be, it's worse, my nightmare. Look, I can't see this being a hugely effective dummy. I mean, I'm thinking it's hard to get a cultural perspective on this because I'm trying to think of, you know, you're scared of sheets, Charles. I mean, I'm scared of spiders.

But I reckon if I saw, you know, a police officer dressed in a spider outfit, I don't think I'd buy it, you know. I mean, I can imagine these people looking at the thing and say, oh, well, that doesn't look like a real pecon. It just looks like a dude in a bed sheet. So what would be more scary? I mean, Andrew, would you be terrified if I dressed up outside your window as a giant sultana, for instance?

Well, I would. I don't like sultanas, and I wouldn't like it. I mean, the other thing that these police are risking is everyone mistaking them for members of the Ku Klux Klan. And they're going to get imprisoned themselves. I reckon the way to do it is just everyone should dress up as George Pell. And then everyone would just stay indoors. Terrifying costume.

Now, unfortunately, the plan. And backfired at first because everyone went outside. They wanted to see everyone in ghost costumes. Is there any better way of just keeping people in? Hang on. Say that again. So are you telling us, Domney, that this plan to scare people actually resulted in people flocking out to see the ghosts that they were meant to be scared of? Yes.

People came out on masks, breaking social distancing to see all the people dressed up as ghosts. Are you sure Scott Morrison didn't have a hand in coming up with this idea? You may well have I'll bring the army in and we'll order us up with ghosts Well, Aja, I've got a good idea Why don't, what you should, they should do Is they should just tell them, Dom,

that you're doing an outdoor live solo show And then everyone will just stay indoors Yeah, that probably would work. Now, as happens with every momentous world event, a lot of new babies have been named after the terrifying pandemic. In India, twins have been named COVID and Corona and some other Indian parents called their child lockdown to commemorate what's going on.

Do you think there's a good names for here and now in the maternity ward? Can you think of any more coronavirus names? Let's just do the first one first. Are these good names to choose at this time? Well, yes, I think this is a great idea. I can't see any problems with this whatsoever. Unless I thought Corona was a beer.

It's a genius idea, Domi. And I think more tragic events, you know, people should be naming their babies after. Like, you know, if you've just, been lost somebody to being run over or you call your baby run over I mean I think this is great you're not lying in thinking that Andrew because a woman in the Philippines called Nina Cayosa managed to combine two topical tragedies she called her newborn son COVID Bryant oh my goodness what's his middle name hell but don't you remember like there was that

period in the late 1990s when when people were doing this because you remember that royal tragedy in Paris and then people started calling their kids Diana seat belt. Do you remember that? And paparazzi? Yeah. And then in the early 1990s when everyone was calling their kids Kurt Cobrain splatter. Oh, that's right. There were a lot of little, yeah, whole generation of go brain splatter. John, too much nose candy. Remember that? Yeah, it was a very popular name. Yeah, I'm actually thinking of calling, if I've got another child, I'm going to call it last season of Game of Thrones. Too tragic, Tommy, and too soon, too soon, very offensive. Actually, just, guys, I've got a little bit of announcement.

My wife and I are having a third child, and I am proud to announce on the way is Bat Soup Firth. Oh, adorable. That is a tragedy for that poor child. So finally, heading over to the UK, and this is a happier note to end on, I think. Even with COVID-19, love is still possible. A British woman fell in love with a chandelier and plans to marry it. name is Amanda Liberty, she's 33 years old, and she saw a 90-year-old German chandelier on eBay and was just besotted despite the age difference.

And before you ask, as she told one newspaper website, yes, the relationship is physical. Jew accompanies me in bed most nights, in fact, they've always got a chandelier in bed with me. So there you go, the chandelier always goes to bed with her. Ouch. Is it not a bit sharp? I mean, they're very pointy those chandeliers, aren't they? And if one of those globe shatters, I'm a little bit worried about the electrocution risk. I think this is a risky relationship.

No, but no, I actually understand because, you know, chandeliers are very easy to turn on. You literally just flick a switch. Yellow card. Oh, bad. And anyway, and I like intelligent partners. And chandeliers tend to be very bright. Oh, no. Charles, give us, give me the coronavirus.

us now so that I can not have to hear anymore. People have made fun of her, right? There's been a lot of judging going on. Oh, good. Oh, good. Despite her unusual romantic life, she feels she shouldn't be judged as any different from a normal person. There is such a thing as a little bit for a sight.

And for me, that works with chandeliers. But I'm still a very value member of society. Very valuable. No, it's unwise. I don't think you should go for. the first chandelier you lay eyes on. I think she should have at least gone on some dates, maybe moved in with

the chandelier first just to try out you know, cohabiting. I think she's rushed into this. Yeah, look, and it hasn't all been playing sailing, actually. She tried to sue the Sun newspaper for sexual discrimination after a columnist made fun of her sexual preference.

But the court threw it out because sex discrimination apparently doesn't cover inanimate objects such as chandelies. Good decision. Do you think did the court get that one right? Well, this is a terrible decision. I mean, like, in my experience, like, every partner I've ever had has had way more fun with an inanimate object than with me. So, of course, it should cover inanimate objects.

The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. That's all we've got time for on the first ever edition of The Chaser Report. Don't forget to review us and to subscribe. wherever you get your podcast and of course you can check out the latest news at chaser.com dot a u actually we've just got a late-breaking headline yes guys at news just in

a man in Melbourne's west has just declared he's so bored he's actually considering watching free to wear TV police say they're looking into the matter and anyone who feels that desperate should call lifeline and ask them for their password to Netflix the chaser report now with extra whispers

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