The Chaser Report - The Crypto-Bro Who Tried To Buy Nauru

Episode Date: July 24, 2023

Dom brings you an update on Sam Bankman-Fried, the crypto 'altruist' who wanted to buy Nauru. Meanwhile Charles is still reeling from Australia's Ashes success. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Tom and Charles. And Dom, what a great day to be in Australia. Oh, look, the ashes were amazingly sweet. We'll talk about that. But there's other stories as well, including the man who wanted to buy Nauru. What?

Yes, yes. Our dear friend, Sam Banking Fried, the crypto billionaire turned. pauper was going to buy Nauru. We'll talk about that. So it's an eclectic show today, but it's all going to be very inspiring. Stay with us. So The Ashes Charles, this was

amazingly enjoyable. I mean, I had wanted Australia to do a white wash to win 5-0, but almost as sweet as that is a test match where England were definitely better, had an amazing first innings total, without bowling Australia completely, had

us on the ropes, and then a little thing called your English rain came in and ruined the whole thing. And you think that England would be used to losing because of rain by now. I mean, English life is largely ruined by the weather. It shouldn't be news to Englishmen that things suck over there. And yet, the whinging has been, even by English standards, quite phenomenal. Well, this is the thing. And they seem to want Australia to sort of just concede. Yes. Because the weather, and I think that this, I reckon you could write a PhD thesis on the British sensibility because there were some vox pops amongst Brits this morning on the radio and it was it was all about how well you know I think that they should

have just played a sixth day because it's going to be fine weather tomorrow and then we could have won well there used to be that that's the way you used to work in test there was a reserve day he's in charge of the rules again I believe it's the MCC isn't it all yes but I think the thing is that the British, for centuries, just had the rule of law, but they would make the rules up as they went along, and then claim to the natives that they didn't follow the rules exactly precisely. Oh, it's an unspoken tradition, you see. If you'd been to Eaton, you'd understand the unspoken tradition, oh, it would change the tradition, but it's very important to keep it consistent.

And it all came to a grinding halt in about, well, about 1938, right? This is when I sort of set the decline of the British Empire. When this fucking upstart Indian called Mahatma Gandhi, yes, started saying, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, which rules are we actually sticking to here? And he started actually saying, no, no, you've got to stick to your own laws and your principles of fair decency. And then the British, I don't know whether you remember,

but started like killing all the Indians. Oh, yes, they did. Who were peacefully protesting. Non-violent resistance, this was his thing. And they completely flogged them. They didn't know what to do. They didn't know what to do. That's someone who just sat there.

Yeah, and said, no, no, let's just not change the rules for a sec to be in your favour. Let's just keep them as you said they would be. And that was the one. And that was it. That was all it took. That was all it took. The British Empire crumbled. I mean, they killed a lot of people on the way out.

Oh, sure. It was a slow and bridal departure. But, yeah, because I was, I've forgotten about the Mao-Mau rebut. in the early 1960s in Kenya, which by some measures was the single greatest genocide per capita in the history of humanity because they, I think they killed 300, the Brits killed, I think 300,000 Kukuyu, which were the main tribe who were fighting against in the Mao Revolution, rebellion, on the way out the door. And I think Kenya only had about 12 million people at the time. So to kill 300,000 of them was a lot of people to kill. And that particular

rebellion was particularly bizarre because the Mao Mao just believed, like it was sort of almost semi-religious, right? And so they had to get into the brains of all the Kenyans to find out whether they believed in freedom, right? And it became very sinister. So they started... I don't know anything about this. Yeah. No, it was... Because I was raised in an English in spite education system. So, of course, we didn't tend to run through the English genocizers, but those Germans were monsters. Yes.

No, well, what England had done is they, all the most brutal decolonizers who, sort of lost in India, and they kept on losing throughout the 1950s in all these pissy little countries around the world, they all ended up, and it was the final stand in Kenya, and, yeah, it was a bloodbath. Anyway, point is, point is, day five of, you know, we have. The point is, day five of the fourth test, was it? Day five of the fourth test. The fourth test reminded me very much of the decolonisation of England.

And why the Brits complain about everything all the time when things don't go their way, because they've got centuries of tradition of just making it up as they go along and sucks to be fucking you, is what I would say. Here's Morgan, the person who blocked me because I pointed people to his poor ethics as a journalist. He didn't like that.

He tweeted this, and it's so enjoyable to read. FFAS, has there ever been a less deserved retention of the ashes? From the best of debacle to this rain-soaked fiasco, it's an absolute farce that smoking Australia have ended up with the urns still in their hands. England comfortably the better side, as this test showed, gutting. Hang on, hang on. If Australia were comfortably the better side,

why did they win the first two tests? Barely comfortably, yeah. Look at England did play very well. Well, well done to them. It makes it all the more enjoyable. that Australia, clearly we're going to lose. And that Piers Morgan is still upset about it. See, my hope for the Australian men's team there is that when they retain the ashes,

they celebrated in the most fitting way possible. Oh, yes. With water. No beer, just lovely rainwater. Yeah, that's right. Just, you know, keep it going for the fifth test because we need to smash them and win the whole thing legitimately. Because you know that they don't celebrate with champagne anymore.

There was another thing that Piers Morgan got really angry at. Of course. They don't have sh, Bolly? Because, well, and it's because Usman Kwaja is dry. Oh, of course. Because he's Muslim. And so,

out of respect for one of their teammates, they decided to do away with the champagne tradition. I'm actually quite impressed by that. I know. They're really, they're really sort of nice people, right?

And so, of course, Piz Morgan got incredibly angry. You don't defer? You don't defer to a Muslim. They'll get ideas. they'll become upity Muslim I mean look at what happened And then you end up with Pakistan

Look what happened in the long room Where all the members Picked on Kauaja who had nothing to do With the right of all the players in the team He was adjacent to the incident With Kerry and Cummins and Smith While being brown That's why they got upset with him

Oh well we could get angry with you Pat But we're probably cousins That Kawaja fellow He must have thought of it Oh there's shit So there you go Oh, that's nice. I like that they stay true.

Why not? Why not? So we need to win the fifth test. But even if we don't, we've retained the Ashes. We'll win the series. We should at some stage have a chat about what climate change is going to end up doing to England. Oh, my goodness. Maybe after the next test.

Because I'm reading a book about the jet stream at the moment. Oh, you're very interested in the jet stream, aren't you? The underwater. Yeah, because it's basically going to collapse at some point. And when that happens, Well, England will be praying for rain because... Are you saying England's going to be even less inhabitable than it is now? I spent two years of my life living there.

It is a shithole. Like, in all sincerity, the notion that you would punish convicts by sending them out of Britain and to Australia is one of the stupidest studies they've ever had. Oh, no! Oh, I have to go and live, A, away from English people, and B, in a place with a nice climate. Oh, no, I won't do it again, Your Honor. What a stupid country. where all my ancestors come from.

Anyway, let's move on to more fruitful topics. What were you wanting to talk about? Now, look, for a while now, we've had an eye on Sam Bankman Free. This is the FTX fraudster essentially. And Charles describes in wonderful detail earlier in the year, was it, last year. It's just the way that he basically shuffled money around. And they would approve expenses over WhatsApp and the girlfriend was involved supposedly at arm's length.

And they all live in the same apartment. They lived in the same apartment. They lived in the same apartment, but also it was one of those beautiful things where they, you know, like at no point were they insolvent because the company, one company, had borrowed all the money. And then the other company had said, well, we've got a whole lot of assets based in all these loans that we've made to other people, i.e. my girlfriend. Yes. And that's how they kept the whole thing afloat for years. A Ponzi scheme. Plus they launched their own stupid coin.

It was supposed to be a stable coin, but it was in no way. Just because you say something stable doesn't mean that it's stable. That's true of many a relationship. Anyway, so at one point in his mania, Sam Bankman, friend, had this idea that he wanted to buy Nauru. Now, firstly, he clearly didn't know anything about Nauru. Yes. Nauru being in Ireland. I haven't been to Nauru.

A lot of our friends have been to Nauru. Yeah, one of our friends, a few of our friends went there flying through to the Philippines on the cheapest possible flight. And they got stranded. This was in the days before Nauru became a place which is paid. hundreds of millions of dollars to be a gulag for Australia. And even not now. I mean, I think there's no one there anymore.

We're still paying them. Well, they get $300 million for not being a gulag. Yeah, and it's an island essentially made out of bird shit. This is what happened was that birds repeatedly shat on some rocks. And there was guano. They mined the guano. It's not there anymore. It's basically mostly a waste land.

Anyway, so he clearly wasn't aware of that. And it's tiny. It's a tiny island. You can walk from one end to the island to the other in about 20, 25 minutes. Yeah, it's a quirk. of international law that it even counts as its own country, but it does. And so, Bankman Freed decided at one point, the

sensible thing to do with all of his money would be to buy Nauru. An actual country. If you bought a country, that would be perfect because you'd be protected, like you could make up laws. You could make up laws that running a Ponzi scheme is marvelous. It's encouraged. You could be like the British. Yes, you could.

So Nauru has a population of about 10,000. Make up the rules as you go along. So isn't that extraordinary? But pay them all that money and there's only 10,000 of them. None of them presumably need to work. All they have to do is have a country. Why don't we have our own country? Well, I think this is exactly what Sam was

singing, yeah. So what his idea was, was to go and purchase the sovereign nation of Nauru and he wanted to construct a bunker slash shelter. I'm quoting here from the documents. It would be used for some event where 50 99.99% of people die to ensure

that most EAs survive. Do you know what an EA is? executive assistant? No, it's a, well, yes, but it's an effective altruist. This is this thing he was not about, where he wanted to try and maximize the impact of charitable giving while also running a Ponzi scheme. So hang on, 99.9% of people die. So in the event that somewhere between 50%, and if it was 49%, he wasn't interested in moving

to narrow, but if the majority of humans died, he wanted to ensure that other people who were capable of defrauding people while also pretending that they're, altruistic and charitable. Survived. Yeah, and so just to give people a sense of what effective altruism is, I know the answer to this, which is that someone who believes that you should do good, but in the long term.

Oh, yeah, don't rush. So the whole point is you don't think about, well, that man is starving, let's give him some food. No, that would be ineffective altruism because all you're doing is sustaining the problem of that man staying alive and wanting more food. Yeah. I mean, sort of...

Short-term thinking. The hungry person needs food. Soup kitchens are basically a terrible idea because they give people what they want. Yes. What you do is you work out what should happen in a hundred years time. You go, oh, all the world should be fed, right? And the way to be an effect of our trust is to then make up what you think that the path to making world hunger not happen in a hundred years time. Wow.

And then that's the answer to your problem. So you become an effective altruist. You can feel good about yourself doing good for the world. But you say the path to prosperity for everyone is that I make a shit ton of money. And then in a hundred years time, I can buy everyone enough food forever, right? That's great. So after the people who are starving have died, then we'll just work on changing the whole system. Can you imagine some homeless person or some person on the street wants money?

Yes. And that's the lecture you give them. But you would explain it to them. And they'd go, oh, okay. Look, I'm not going to help you because if I give you this money, it will be much better if I kept it and used to change the whole world financial system. That is the theoretical maximum of being a patronising fuck. You can't get more than that.

Give a man a dollar and he can eat food for a day. Teach a man how to, sorry. Teach a man. Teach a man how to fish And he can feed himself And what if you transform the entire world There are no more fish At all

Then there's not a problem He doesn't need fish Because you can't have it What I was going to say is Yeah give a man a fish he will eat for a day Teach a man That in a hundred years time It'll be much better if he doesn't get a fish today

Oh that's good And everything will be solved See the issue is not That he's hungry It's that he wants a fish Yes, that's right And then he'll also be peeing to learn how to fish. And you're being it getting it genetic specific because it always is.

Yeah, yeah. So you just need to essentially brainwash the person. Like if you were able to somehow modify people's brains that they didn't feel hunger, then it would be fine. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Getting back to Nauru, did he manage to buy it? Is it for sale? I mean, I know it's the people, the guys.

government there seems to be very much for so. I don't think that, I can't see that being the problem. What happened was, uh, I think this was just a brain fart, but it was a pretty amazing brain fart. So the other aspects of it were, well, this is the problem, isn't it? When, when you've got a billion dollars and you have a brain fart, then suddenly you buy Twitter and turn it into X. Oh my gosh. Well, we'll have, we'll do a whole episode of walking the future on Elon's latest plan. So what they're also going to do, uh, and this is just a little memo. It's a memo that they were planning. They wanted to have, uh, sensible regular regulation around human genetic enhancement and build a lab there.

So they were going to create superhumans with genetic engineering in Nauru. Good idea. And then this is the thing that I'm quoting. Probably there are other things it's useful to do with the sovereign country too. So sort of unsposed. Yeah. Things you can only do with sovereignty. But it does, it does make a very good point.

Why hasn't Elon Musk, for instance, bought a country? It doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he do that? I'm not sure you can buy a country. You can't if it's Nauru. But, I mean,

like, even if you bought up all the land, you still wouldn't have the, like, what would... Yeah, you just pay everyone

to leave. And then you, if you just pay every Nauru to leave Nauru, and then you have an election of all the people who are still on Nauru.

And you just legitimate it. And you become king, it's not hard. You become... Because who are they going to sue? There's no... And you'd rebranded FDX. There's no quote.

Or just X. X. And, and you'd get it all off tax. Yeah, there'd be no tax. No, but there would have to be taxed because you'd have to tax yourself to pay for everything. Oh, yeah, they'd figure that out with WhatsApp messages, wouldn't they?

But also, you'd never get extra dieted. You couldn't possibly. The whole system is just completely fantastic for no accountability. So how much do you reckon it would cost to, like, if it is prepared to give $300 million to Nauru for basically nothing? I can't cost a lot more. Maybe if we doubled it, we could just take the whole thing over. Yeah. You know what, oh, you know what we should do.

Why don't we do a crowd fund? We should do a crowd fund, but you know it would be enormously enjoyable. No, but you'd have to share the crowd fund with all the other annoying people who bankrolled the crowd time. I want us to basically take over Nauru and send the Australian second 11 to be the Nauru cricket team, which would then beat England. Yes.

I want another team to beat England. And the great thing is that everyone wouldn't realize that they'd go, well, here's a team we can beat. Yes. And play Nauru, and then our seconds would still beat them. I love it. And they'd be another series. They get so angry.

You'd have to burn something else for ashes. And we, yeah, well, they could burn Peers Morgan. I could burn Peers Morgan. Yeah, it would be the, the pierces. But it would be the thing, it would be the ashes that you wouldn't want. It'd be like, oh, we got pearset. It'd smell awful. Can you imagine?

Yeah, we don't want that out. Although, don't have to him being immolated, though. I just don't think we want to retain any of it. Yes, indeed. So there you go. He wanted to buy the whole of Nauru. What an extraordinary visionary he was. Unfortunately, he didn't.

And so no, he's going to go to jail forever. This is the problem with laws, isn't it? Yeah. Is that you then run into them. They slow down creatives. Yes, that's right. Well, entrepreneurs. The entrepreneurial spirit is just forever doused out by the reign of laws and rules.

There's also an article in the New York Times, by the way, in which Bankman Freed's girlfriend, Caroline Ellison, she wrote all these Google Docs, which, of course, stick around forever in the cloud, about, about. A, her doubts about her ability to run Alameda research, and B, her relationship problems with Sam Bankman-Fried. So Sam Bankman-Friend then shared these documents within New York Times to try and help his case. Oh. And instead made himself look like even more of a shit. So he was trying to claim that Ellison was responsible for all the crimes. Oh, I see.

Pass all the Pondy scheme onto his girlfriend. Oh, yeah. He'll be now X. What a toxic X. Imagine that. I've heard of some pretty bad. X is over the years, but an ex who tried to pass their massive Ponzi scheme onto you, so you're the one that went to prison. Pretty dodgy. I can see why Elon wants to name Twitter after it.

Our gear is from Road. We are part of the Iconiclass Network. Catch you tomorrow. Soon to be headquartered on Beautiful Nauru. That's very good. The price is right.