The Chaser Report - The Farewell Party Scott Morrison Deserves

Episode Date: March 17, 2024

Scott Morrison's farewell party in his own seat got postponed for a reason that was as unfortunate as it was unforeseeable. Dom and Charles plan how to give him the send-off he deserves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, did you RSVP to that party we were both going to next week? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was going to, but I feel like I might have something else on that night. Yeah, I didn't either. Obviously, we're talking about Scott Morrison's farewell in the show.

the dinner that was going to happen. Look, I wanted to make it. Just, you know, like it's a huge clash. You know, Wednesdays. They're very, you know. Yeah. Yeah, Wednesdays. It's just so Wednesdays.

Tuesdays as well. Thursdays, whichever day it was. I was busy that day. Yeah, whatever, yeah. Yeah. So this is the big party. And it was in the Shire, of course. Yeah.

And Paul Murray was going to be the MC. Oh, it's not on anymore. Yeah. No, it's had to be postponed. It's awful It was too many RSVPs Was it like they worried about A lot of people

Yeah No the opposite problem Not many people RSVP They've postponed it I think a lot of people Were busy that Wednesday And

Right And so when have they postponed They haven't announced to date As yes So it's just like Indefinitely Postpone Postponed

To the point where Yeah I don't know That it's actually Going to happen It sounds a little bit Like I mean, it sounds a bit like doing something about the bushfires back in the day.

Yeah, he's probably going to be in Hawaii that night. Let's talk about why that he's in just a moment. So yes, this was going to happen. And I've just seen the City Morning Herald reporting on this. It was to try and draw up support for the seat of Cook. And the two great explanations for what's going on. Do you want to hear what they are? Yes, I do.

Can I guess? Yes, yeah, take a guess. There's two things that they communicated to the City Morning Herald. No, two things that the leaked email that went in the Herald reveals. Oh, okay. Two justification. Okay, so was it not in the, was the actual location, was it in the city or something like that, and it is actually quite a long way to travel?

And so it's like, you know, it was too sort of inconvenient for people. Like they, it was something like that? Is that the reason why people couldn't come? No, it's going to be in the shire. It was going to be in the shire. I presume. You can't even get a party of people. together in his own party in the place where they all live.

I think it's the other way around. I suspect some people in the city were like, oh look, I'll pop in at Scotty's drinks. Like, you know, in the CBD, Sydney CBD, business types. And then when they heard it was in the shire, they're like, no. I imagine Paul Murray discovered it was in the shire and it was probably a no. I mean, who could blame it?

Because he's an inner city lato sipping lefty, isn't he? Paul Murray? Yeah. Oh, when we used to go on his show at Triple M, his politics were slightly different than they are now, But, you know, you get a job at Sky News. I don't want to, it all, suggest that he's, you know, change his position over the years.

It's just, it's been interesting watching his evolution. Yeah, it's an evolution. Anyway, it's been an evolution or devolution. Okay, so it wasn't that. No. Give me one more guess. Is it that, oh, I know what it'll be. They're too busy.

They're too busy. Yes. Like, I don't know. Banning trans people or shitting on trans people. or something. No. No. Finding a culture war.

Catherine Deves, I think the only person who said she was free. No. They're busy with, and I'm going to quote this, they're busy with winning big in the electorate of Cook. But wait a minute. Isn't that a foregone conclusion? Labor's not even running in that election. No, they're not running in the seat of Cook.

But Charles, it's important for morale. The Liberals have lost so many by-elections. So they're worried about Lewis. losing against nobody at this by-election. Like, literally no one of note who's running against whoever's running. Yeah, they had a whole comprehensive pre-selection process. And of the white men who made the final group, they ended up choosing the McKinsey's management consultant, I think.

Oh, so maybe actually they should be worried. Yeah, they're to manage McKinsey's men. So, yeah, so they're going to win big in the electorate. They're just pushing it back for that reason. This is the president of the Cook Federal Electoral Conference, which I'm sure was a really fun group to people. part of. So that's reason one. They're so busy on winning the by-election,

smashing it. I think Peter Dutton's worried. You get sick of winning. You get sick of winning. Especially, I mean, that election that they had just recently in Dunkley. In Dunkley, yes. Where they won. I mean, not on a, like, votes, number of votes spaces. Not numerically, but morally.

But morally, Dutton actually came out and declared it a moral victory. There's actually a headline. Albanyz has been running scared back to his caucus, back to his caucus with exactly the same number of members because they won the seat. Yeah, yeah. It's sort of like running scared after that victory.

Yeah, the victory can be very traumatising. But it was Susan Lee's line of, it was green shoots. Green shoots of victory. So... Good to hear that she likes green things though. That's a new one. Yeah, so winning big is number one. It's a winning big, yep.

The other justification. Imagine trying to complete the sentence. Let's do it this way. You will also be pleased to know. that Scott welcomes the opportunity to postpone, dot, dot, dot. Welcomes the opportunity to postpone doing anything ever because he's so fucking lazy. They could have finished the sentence there.

Scott, recommends the opportunity to post-pone. So why does he welcome the opportunity? I don't understand. Why is that an opportunity? Presumably because no one was coming. Scott is... Doesn't he ever know, but he's got nothing on? He's quit.

He's got to, like, who he hasn't quit, Charles, you're forgetting. He hasn't quit? He's so popular that he's embracing new opportunities. You will also be pleased to know that Scott welcomes the opportunity to postpone, given the requirements of his new private sector roles, forthcoming travel commitments, and launching his new book in May, none of which in any way impede him attending an event in March. In March, especially as, let's be quite honest,

He's not going to prep for any of those things. No. No, you wouldn't. No, no. It's just going to turn up to the book launch. Yeah. He might even fit through it and see where he wrote the book for him, is what I want to know. Yeah, I know, exactly.

A Prime Minister's testimony, God would have written it for him. God would have done the work. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay, we've got a lot of traction out of the Scott Morrison farewell events so far. It's like there's one little shred of news from Scott Morrison and we just have to jump on it because he's such a fashion. A such a fascinating human being.

Can I just ask, I am pretty sure there's laws around, you can't just jump from being Prime Minister and being in charge of the defence portfolio. And then you can't just jump into running a defence contract. Oh, the lobbying laws. Yes. Yes, that's right. And I think that that was brought in under Malcolm Turnbull, if I'm not mistaken.

Oh, Malcolm Turnbull was always ruining people's fun. isn't he? First, it was part of his bonk ban. And then the corruption ban. I mean, Jesus Christ. Yeah, there's a lockout period. Like, my understanding of, oh, no, oh, fuck, I've just remembered what the rule is. Yes.

Oh, this genius, actually. Which is, he is banned. Scott Morrison is completely banned from, especially as he was defense minister, health minister, treasurer. He's got the biggest ever potential to improperly influence people. Yes, that's right. So that actually caused a problem for him because then suddenly there was a whole lot of roles

that he had to sort of wait for a certain amount of gardening leave before he could then take up positions in. But the thing is, the laws, as they're written... He doesn't hold a spade. But the thing is, the laws, as I understand it, are written so that it's Australian defence contractors, Australian health things. Like, you can't, you know, contract to a company here for the thing.

But, you know, you can, like, say you, I don't know, an American submarine manufacturer, you can, you can totally go and get a job over there because the laws don't extend to locking him up there. It's even easier than that. It's why he had to go overseas. Charles, I'm looking at the law in front of me. Well, I've got the web page about the law in front of me. So there's so many ways he can get out of it. Members of foreign trade delegations are exempt.

Point one. So he's working for an American defense contractor. He's part of a foreign trade delegation. But also, if you're a lobbyist who makes representations to government on behalf of your employer, that's considered sufficiently transparent. So as long as you're directly working for the company, rather than working as a lobbyist for a third party, so I can come in and say, hi, I'm Scotty from the defence company or whatever, and that's fine. That's not being a lobbyist. That's just being blatant. You're allowed to be blatant under the new laws.

What? That makes no sense. Surely, if you're in charge of handing out contracts to defence, you can't then just get a job with the companies that you've just handed the contracts out to, can you? It says so. It says this code does not apply to lobbyists to make representations to government or conduct lobbying activity on half of their employer, i.e. in-house lobbyists, as those representations are considered sufficiently transparent.

So you can't be Charles Firth from Firth Associates, working, having been paid for by a third party and it's not clear who that is. But you can just work directly for, I don't know, Raytheon or Boeing or something. Yeah, yeah. So if you want to work for Evil Corp. Evil Corp, yeah, you just come. Because the log of your visit with the minister will say,

oh, Charles from Evil Corp came in and met. So it's a pretty big loophole. I'm glad Malcolm Turnbull made those laws. They sound really robust. Yeah, that's right. But also, I must say, I don't want to disparage a, former Prime Minister who gave his all. He gave all that he had in the service of his country.

Now, whether all he had was much at all is very much, I think there's a consensus emerging on that at this point. But how influential do you think Scott Morrison's going to be in a future conversation? Like even with the coalition government, do you think anyone's going to go, oh, let's hear what Scott Morrison has to say about this? He's got a good track record for being right about things. Well, I think what you would do is, if you were an evil mastermind, what you would do is you'd try and get your opponent to hire Scott.

Oh, this is what, of course, that's what you do, Charles. You're so good at thinking like an evil mastermind. Now you do wankeromics. Exactly. So what we should do is we should actually get Scott Morrison, get employed by the shovel. Yes, exactly. Go to government and say,

oh, give a whole lot of special things to the shovel. Yes. And then what would happen is the government would go, well, let's definitely not do that. Not on your life. or give all the special stuff to us because we're not the shovel. Oh, my goodness, Charles. And he is so good at his, at doing this, Scott Morrison, that he's already, he hasn't

even started work, I think, as, you know, representative on behalf of the orcas companies and so on. And the deal is already, clearly being indefinitely delayed. Just the very thought, just the very prospect of Scott Morrison being involved. Yeah, suddenly everyone's hoses down. This isn't going to happen. Stop work. That's absolutely brilliant.

What we need him to do is work for fossil fuels and the nuclear power industry. Oh, I love it. TikTok. You could go and work for TikTok to make sure they don't get banned in Australia. We should get him to be the lobbyist for the Property Investors Association. Yep. Oh, for negative gearing. You save negative gearing.

And then that would suddenly be, everyone, even homeowners and property investors would suddenly go, you know what? I don't need negative gearing because Scott Morrison likes it. Logging. He could go and work for logging, and I don't know. The Great Barrier Reef Association? Oh no, wait a minute. No, like who, who, because the Great Barrier Reef Association, are they pro or anti-bleaching?

Which is it, which is the most money in it for the private sector? Yeah, what we need is the one that wants bleaching and he should work for that. No, forget that. He just should work for big bleach. He's just employed, just employed by the bleaching, whoever they are. Yes, exactly. I don't know why they go and dump. all that bleach in the Great Barrier Reef.

It seems to me like a fairly simple fit. But you know, just stop doing that. It goes beyond that, Charles. Can I get a bit meta? Scott Morrison becoming a lobbyist, if that's what he's going to end up doing. I honestly think that's it for lobbyists. I think the entire profession of being a lobbyist is in serious trouble. If I was Christopher Pine or Alexander Dana or any of these people who do this,

I would be saying Scott Morrison, please, please don't join this industry. Yeah. Do you think maybe that's what happened with his party? You think maybe parties are now Yeah, farewell parties It's over. As a genre. Yeah, as a genre.

As a genre. I finished. You know what? It's actually lucky he cancelled it because now we can still have farewell parties. Yes, yes. He should have a show on Sky News, shouldn't he? Paul Murray.

We could get Sky News shut down. The Sky News would immediately shut down. He should... He's the freezer. He should write for the Daily Mail. Yeah. He should become a lobbyist for Prince William. Yes, he should defend the monarchy.

That's what he should do. He should find Kate Middleton and fix everything up. Prince Harry should call him to fix everything. The sky is the limit. And the great thing is, Charles, this is a situation where he could honestly have every job going. He could have 100 jobs at once. Because his mere reputation, this is the man who couldn't get hired by the private sector by PWC because they thought his reputation would harm their reputation.

That's an extraordinary power that he has. Labor should get him to campaign in marginal seats for the coalition. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Is he going to campaign in the seat of Cook in the by-election? Oh, I think you'll be strategically overseas at that time. I mean, Charles, you know I love Indian food.

Every time I look at Scott Morrison's Instagram and his latest curry, it makes me never want to have it again. It's actually genuinely awkward, given that my in-laws are Indian. actually ruined Indian food for me. Although, the one thing is they're vegetarian, so the raw chicken thing doesn't apply. Yeah, the raw chicken is particularly. In all sincerity, one more point on this, Charles.

Some more Scott Morrison news. He's given back his position as the number one ticket holder for the Cronulla Sharks. He's no longer their number one ticket holder. I suspect because the sharks tapped you on the shoulder and said, mate, we've got no chance of winning. Yeah. Imagine having, what a humiliate. conversation, that must have been.

Like, because, you know, do you think Qantas has written to him and said no longer, you're not allowed in the chairman's lounge? Oh, they wouldn't have bothered writing to her, they just cancelled the card. That's probably already happened. No, no, they write to you. My sister was in the chairman's lounge and then, as soon as she got

unelected, like two weeks later, she got a letter in the post saying, you, you, like so she just lost her job, she lost her career, she had been a minister, everything. She had She had it all. She lost everything.

And then two weeks later, Quontas sends the thing saying, oh, and by the way, you're no longer important enough for the chairman's land. And look at her now. I presume she's back in now that she's,

what did she, AM? An O. AM, yeah. Yeah. I presume she just get in the door. Now, look, I imagine Scott Morrison,

even though most MPs are in the chairman's lounge, I'm pretty confident his membership got terminated the morning after he lost that election. Yeah, that's right. Which is the worst part of it. Like, you can lose, you know, your prime ministership in five ministries and things are there.

But imagine not being able to get into the chairman's land. Never been. Then you just... Did you go with your sister? I'd never been in the chairman's lounge. I've never... I have actually been in Chairman's Lounge with none other other than Sam Destiari. Wow.

Wow. I don't know what to say about that. Except that I'm astonished that the Chairman's Lounge actually still... It was empty. It was completely empty. That's because they'd heard. That hurt he was coming in. A's how it done a sweep.

There you go. Well, I think we've got a whole episode, Charles, out of the fact that no one came to Scott Morrison's party. Is it, is it, at what point do we simply no longer pay attention? Didn't Jenny and the kids, RSVP? I think it's one of many things about which they're secretly relieved, Charles. You've got to go work in America, Daddy. Okay.

It's probably better to get a place there. Just to save on you know It's so expensive getting short-term rentals Is there a risk that people feel sorry for him After this episode No look I think the only way we could Get any emotion towards him And he knows this is by mentioning Jen and the girls

And the girls came to the farewell event Which makes me feel that they love their dad And as someone with two daughters myself Charles With two daughters myself I know that there's not much The Canalinate Daughters love for their Dad, right?

Because God knows if they could. Scott Morrison would have done it years ago. A ukulele. Or is it a banjo? What did he? Oh, yeah. April sunning in Cuba. I think that was the moment.

They decided not to RSVP. And I guess the one thing we know from his time so far in public life trials is that it's very hard to get rid of Scott Morrison. Yes. But you know what I think actually, can I just say, I think I've come up with a solution to the farewell party. Okay. Because I think that there is a huge demand for a farewell party for Scott Morrison that doesn't include Scott Morrison.

I think that that is the solution. So what they need to do is reschedule the event. Reschedule the event for a couple of weeks' time when he's overseas. Don't tell him. And don't tell Paul Murray either, ideally. I reckon we could get quite a lot of people along to that event. Should we hold it? We should hold a farewell event for Scott Morrison.

Let's do it. Let's definitely do it. It's a great idea. All right. Okay. Look for an invitation coming soon. We'll invite everyone from the podcast, all the listeners. And we won't in any way.

Have a send-off. The send-off he deserves. Absolutely. Bring your own hose. Our Gehry is from Roe. We're part of the iconoclast network. It's a great idea. We're going to do that.

See you at the party.