The Chaser Report - The Flight to Planet B

Episode Date: August 20, 2020

We plan an escape to another planet as Nina looks at diversity on Australian TV (spoiler: there isn’t much), Dom discovers a village that quarantines people in a haunted house, and Charles braves a 12-year-old’s birthday party. Plus news from Rebecca De Unamuno. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today are Dom Knight and Nina Oyama. Hello. And I'll tell you what, guys, it's been an interesting week.

hasn't it? It has been another interesting week. If by interesting, you mean, full of death and tragedy. Yes. And, well, and Scott Morrison facing huge questions about the government's bungling of aged care. You know, it's a federal responsibility. No, no. No, no.

That's definitely the states. I'm sure he said it was the states. Oh, as the states, was it? Yeah, or it's the local councils. Yeah, right. Okay. Or it's my mum's fault. Anyway, so on the back of this huge scandal in age care, he, of course, did what you would do as the leader in charge of the nation.

And he announced a vaccine. We've got a vaccine. We're saved. I mean, last week we said on the podcast, Russia has a vaccine. But now Australia's got one too. We've got one. When do we get it? Well, I mean, it doesn't actually exist.

Have they actually said that they haven't made one at all? No, but they have signed a deal to make a deal. To sign a deal to make a deal. An announcement for a deal in a deal. And the company denied, the company that they signed it, we denied that they'd made the deal. Great. Yeah. Well, I'm excited for this announcement.

And at least we're not talking about all this bungling in aged care, don't you think? What aged care? Exactly. Anyway, the other thing is, by the way, that it is going to be completely mandatory. Scott Morrison announced that. It's going to be completely mandatory, although... Well, that's good. It won't be compulsory.

Oh. Yeah. Now, I might be an idiot, but aren't compulsory and mandatory the same thing? No. Aren't they synonyms of each other? No, because one of them, it reassures the rest of us that the government's got a plan for public. health. The other one is designed to reassure anti-vaxes that they won't be forced to have the vaccine that gives autism. And anyway, we're not talking about aged care, so who cares?

Grandma cares. That's who cares. So, but who do you think should get the vaccine first? Obviously, it's not going to be 25 million, you know, straight out of the door. Who's most deserving of getting this vaccine when it finally arrives? Well, it's got to be merit. It's got to be, you've got to look at medical need and who, you know, needs it most. So that's marginal electorates. Yeah, I like that. So, Ida Minaro They're absolutely fun. They're saved.

I think all the Karens should get vaccinated first so that that way, if they don't want to wear a mask, they don't have to, it works out well for everyone. That's great. It's not mandatory unless you're a Karen. Unless you're a Karen. I reckon it should go to grandparents first. Nah, fuck them.

No, no, no, no. Hear me out. It's not that I care about grandparents now. I don't care about them. You just want to give them autism. No, I just want them to look after my kids again. We can get rid of the kids. But Charles, don't worry.

The real answer will clearly be that boomers get it first. Not only is it Skomo's, you know... Yes. What's the word on the floor? Is it Skomo's base? Yeah. But also, they get everything first. You know, of course, you know, they're the only ones with houses

that they actually own during this whole crisis. They'll get it first. That's true. And they'll get it for free and they have a great time. And then by the time it gets to millennials like me, it'll be like thousands and thousands of dollars. Oh, no, I'm thinking of university. And houses.

Yeah, and everything. Yeah, you're not actually getting the vaccine now. The millennials are out. Coming up on the show today, I'm talking about my son's 12th birthday, which is a bit of a nail-biting tale. Oh, we'll skip forward to that right now. I'm talking about all the weird COVID rules that exist overseas. And I'm talking about diversity in Australian broadcasting.

But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day in a minute with the Chasea News headline. Scott Morrison announced yesterday that 25 men in Australia, aliens have been vaccinated against COVID-19 after the government signed a deal with pharmaceutical company AstraZenka. The Prime Minister denied his announcement was premature since no vaccine exists yet and no deal was signed. He told reporters that getting 25 million people vaccinated was a huge step in the fight against coronavirus and it was great that it had already happened next year.

The Nine Network have today hit back at a media diversity report which accused the broadcaster of severely under-representing minority groups and people. of colour. The station pointed out that they have provided a raft of opportunities for struggling minorities such as red-haired people like Pauline Hanson. As the race for the White House intensifies, there are mounting fears that Democrats could dig up old tweets by Donald Trump that are offensive. Republican strategists fear that old tweets from last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday, will resurface, casting Donald Trump in a bad life. Trump has posted almost

55,000 tweets from his account with 54,000 containing objectionable content. That's the latest Chaser News. Thanks, Vic. Hey Beck, have you been tested for coronavirus yet? Yeah, I had to get one the other day. How come? I've been moonlighting as a security guard at one of those

quarantine hotels. Really? Does it pay well? No, the pay is terrible, but the sex is awesome. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the federal government's deal to deliver 25 million doses of the vaccine. Yay!

That doesn't exist yet. And it's only an agreement to maybe have a deal. Oh, okay. The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers. Okay, so Charles and Dom, this week, a report on cultural diversity in Australian TV presenters was released. And surprise, bitch. Turns out this country is not very diverse when it comes.

to on-screen talent and I'm, I'm shook. I am surprised. I am so surprised. Did you know about this? I've just got this shock. Just your jaw is on the floor. Look, I'm not going to watch. Did they include people doing blackface?

Because I reckon if they included, or every present who's done blackface, then actually Australia would be fairly well represented. As then if you include them as people of colour or if you include them in a whole other section called racist. Yeah, well, either way, there's a real diversity there. Like, have you included every, you know, Jonah from Tonga episode, then probably, actually, we've got really good diversity on our screen. I think I can't speak to that.

But I do think it's also about TV presenters. So Chris Lilly probably wouldn't have been counted your hero, Chris Lilly, even if he, even if someone actually thought he was Tongan. But my point remains, which is say Carl Stefanovic, dressed up in blackface, then that would address media diversity, wouldn't it? Charles, in 2020, let's just be very clear that sarcasm is usually misinterpreted as sincerity. Oh, okay, okay, sorry.

I'll just shut up. That's okay. It's too late. Someone's going to clip out this whole segment. It's been good work with it on Twitter for the past 20 years. Yeah, RIP, Charles Perth. Look, I'm not going to lie, like I personally have been aware of the lack of diversity for several years.

And do you guys, I'm actually in a group chat with a lot of people of colour. And all we do is bitch about how. there's no diversity on screen and now the whole country is talking about it and like I just feel like that was our thing you know discussing diversity in broadcast that was just another thing that white people have appropriated for us have appropriated that your diversity yeah that's hilarious although that does sound like a much more fun group chat than any of my white people group chats to be honest it probably is and food's better too um no I'm honestly like I'm happy that this do you discuss food in this group like do you talk about all the delicious food do you eat yeah we

talk about spices. Also, a spice is something that you put in your meal to make it taste better. So it's a bit like vegamide or something. Yeah, it's like, it's exactly like Vegemite is a spice. That's the widest thing I've ever heard. But I'm actually happy that this report has come out because I feel like it's just confirmed everything that we've been suspecting for a long time. The report has kind of like divided the percentage of presenters into three segments. So they've divided it into an Anglo-Seltic background, which is like your regular white people,

and then European background, which is like your fancy white people that eat cheese, and then you've got your indigenous and non-European backgrounds. Now, I want to see if, I want to have a crack and see if you can have a guess of the percentages that make up Australian TV presenters. Are you okay with this? Yeah, yeah, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, let's do this. Let the humiliation begin. So let's go with, Anglo-Seltic background, how much, how many Anglo-Seltz do you think make up? Look, I don't know, but just in round figures, maybe 100%. That's close. Is there a higher number than 100%? Look, but it's got to be 70 plus, I think.

Yeah, so it's 76%. You're kidding. Really? Yeah, and that's just of people from Scottish and English and British. Does that include, because I think of myself as diverse, because I'm actually, My family's from Yorkshire, which is sort of northern English. It's not quite Scottish. Sorry, but you're still a filthy Anglo-Seltz.

I mean, it is true, though. As someone else from Britain, entirely, my ancestry is entirely British. Yeah, Yorkshire, people from Yorkshire are sort of the scum of Britain. Yeah, I am the scum of, like, doesn't that count for something, Nina? But you're not even the scum of like Anglo-Seltz? Because, like, isn't within that region, there's Ireland, which I'm not, I don't think, wow, this is me. I'm going to be to Irish people. Wow, you know, that's like me saying that you're from Chinese background because you're Japanese.

No, I'm just saying in terms of like the hierarchy of white oppression, you're not even at the bottom. They're different islands. But it is true. It is true that back in the day in Australia, that they thought of the Irish as other, like as being the dirty Irish. Isn't it bizarre how things change? Yeah. Anyway, so we're moving on to European backgrounds. How much of a percentage do you think Europeans?

Well, I'm going to go with the chaser, the original on-screen chaser team. So Chaz was our diversity pick because he is Italian. He's Italian, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I'm going to say one in a seven, so 14%. But isn't he cancelled out by our South African? Oh, yeah. Well, no, is South Africa?

That's very diverse. Who's South African? Craig. Oh. Yeah, he's completely. So, I mean, but he'd be considered sort of. He's Anglo. He's like European as well because the South Africans were colonised by the Dutch.

No, he's, I think he's Anglo. Oh, Brutcastle might be Dutch. He might be black, I don't know. Well, do you want to have a cracket? There is no way the second it's going in. This is not happening. Okay, so. So, okay, let's say 28%.

If we're saying, Chaz and Craig are European, therefore it's 28% of presidents. Would that be about right? No, the answer is 18%. So European presenters are actually quite, quite rare. They're a minority. They're a white minority. What does that leave? It leaves about 1% of people who are not from European or Anglo-Clding.

It leaves 6%. 6%. Yeah, a whopping 6%. Oh my God. And are they all just on the feed? Yeah, pretty much. They're all, most of them are within ABC and SBS. And to be clear, ABC News Channel, not main channel.

And do they, like, how does channel, Does the cash cow count as a diversity pick? As a bovine Australian? I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did at this point because it's black and white. Yeah. But it is a pretty depressing study because within that 6%, so most of the journalists of colour felt that their identity

was actually a hindrance to their careers. So they found because they weren't white, it was really hard. They found that there was only one Indigenous board member across the whole TV news industry. And compared to America and the UK, we're 20 years behind them, in terms of representation. So it's not looking great, guys.

No. This is really depressing. Yeah, but obviously, I mean, that's just from one landmark study. You know, it doesn't really mean anything. No. Because when it comes to representation, you know, I want to hear from real marginalized people. People like Carl Stefanovic. Oh, yes.

Yeah. So he wrote this week in response, he wrote, I'm not sure how diverse you need to be to qualify for diverse, but I'm of Yugoslav, German and British heritage with the surname Stefanovic. I used to be called a Wogat School. I'm proud of my heritage, and I'm pretty sure it's diverse, and nine have always supported that. I suspect that he's now rebranding himself for Stefanovic.

Is that right? Carlos. But, no, it's quite funny that he put British in there. Like, it's that surely the point where he's writing and British, he should have had a little bit of self-wheres about the problem with that tweet. But no, I mean... But also, wait a minute. You missed, I mean, yeah, sure, the diversity thing.

But the huge story here, surely, is that Carl Stefanovic got... bullied at school. Not enough. Clearly not enough. Well, like the really good looking alpha male guy got bullied at school. Like, what a fuck with. Yeah. I mean, my problem with Carl is that he actually, like, is white in my eyes.

I'm like, I don't care. But also the fact that he's said, like, some pretty racist stuff in the past. So for him to come out and be like, I'm diverse. When he defended the cartoonist that drew the racist character of Serena Williams, or he said to an Indian cricket fan, who's manning the 7-Eleven. during the cricket game like so i i like personally think diversity is really important um and like not to like to my own horn here but occasionally like i get messages from young asian australian

saying that they're glad to see themselves represented on tv i don't know like i don't feel like i'm doing stuff but it's a nice thing to know that people feel represented by me but i guess do you guys ever get messages from you know young white boys saying that they're they're glad you're out here reping the caucasians yeah that they just hadn't seen anyone like themselves on TV before the chaser turned up yeah right yeah yeah you get them all the time yeah so actually in this discussion we we really have failed to mention one very important ethnicity so um let's hear from this man barnaby joyce who felt he was actually very underrepresented what you wear and what your colour is is completely irrelevant I'm red what how many of those we have on television how many

red people do we think we have on television we've got tons of red people on television but there's a whole segment called red faces I mean and baron Barnaby Joyce was the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia. He's hardly sort of oppressed minority. And there are lots of other nut cases like Barnaby Joyce on TV as well. So I think like the worst part of reading this report for me is that I don't think that that ratio of whatever it was, 94% being white. I don't think that that is actually reflect of our society as Australians.

No, it was definitely not, isn't it? Because like, there's far more diverse, like Australia is a far more diverse country now. But if you got any, like pretty much any school, in Sydney now, except perhaps in a couple of wider suburbs, you'll see massive diversity. And, I mean, it's going to take care of itself eventually. And you go out to restaurants, they put spice in the food nowadays. I mean, totally diverse.

Yeah, and there is, like, I feel like there is an issue in Australian TV where people are complaining, like, no one's really watching TV, you know, anymore and that they, like, pandered to this old white kind of base. But I feel like if we wanted to make a change, and maybe if you wanted more people watching TV, you'd put people that look like Australians on TV. just a just a little tip well if we just gave nina every job in australian television it'd be absolutely fine yeah i think i think that's a great idea the chaser report less news less often

okay nina and dom my son had a big big birthday the other day 12 years old wow almost a teenager yep you know at around this age Freud said that uh your child starts getting jealous of you and, you know, there's this whole sort of jealousy thing going on. Oh, that's okay. I don't think he has to worry about that. Well, no, the thing is,

I've got the reverse, which is I'm jealous of him. Yeah, he's the school captain. He's already amounted more than you have in your entire area. Exactly. But also, so he had about 12 friends to his birthday party. All of them just gave him money.

He made like $450 bucks out of his bloody birthday. Is that what kids want now? You don't have to think anything to just get money in that. He probably just put it straight into his fortnight credit, did he? Yeah, yeah. It's all, no, he's dreaming of buying a computer mouse and, oh, he's got big dreams. But actually, last night, because I think he'd overheard me and my wife chatting about household finances. He actually offered to use his, but this is honestly true.

He said, I've got $450, maybe we should move to a bigger house. he honestly thought that doesn't even cover like a week of writ that poor child and the absolutely crushing disappointment he's going to have when he discovers what's a new property prices are like and my wife and I were just laughing at him and you could see his confusion like

you know really about it's a bad and he's just going this is the most money I can imagine in the whole world and it's not enough to get a house anyway it's even a bathroom So we had, on Saturday, it was his birthday, and we said it was beautiful, sunny day, 21 degrees, just absolutely beautiful Sydney August day. We said, what do you want to do if your birthday party?

You got 12 people coming around. And he went, I want to sit inside in an internet cafe all day. And so that's what we did. We went out to Burwood, quite a long way to go on a train. So we did a whole train trip and tram trip to get out. I'll say you made it involve outdoors on the way. Yeah, on the way, which they loved because they all had to get into masks and it. It was very cute.

Anyway, and we got there and we walk into this dingy, like, dungeon of a internet cafe. You know the sort of things where... Oh, yeah. I'm familiar. I love internet cafes. Oh, really? Yeah, I used to spend a lot of time there as a child. Well, you're actually, you're much closer in age to him than you are to me, aren't you?

Yes, yes. Because you're about, what, 14 years old of them. 18, yeah, I know. You're about 14, aren't you? No, I'm 27. I actually just turned 27 as well. Oh, well, happy birthday. Yeah, thank you.

Anyway, so you're... I'm twins with your son, yes. Basically. But do the internet cafes you go to have things like, you know, sort of fluorescent lighting or that sort of... It sort of looked like it was a heroin... You know, they were trying to stop heroin injecting. You know, there's sort of blue light.

Yes. Yeah, I think it's part of the vibe. I always find it quite spacey when you go, when you go down to those places. And they got the cool chairs and everyone's eating, like, instant ramen and chips. Yes, that's exactly what I love it. Yeah. My favourite food. So when you say net cafes, like you and I are much older, as we always mentioned,

we used to have to go to internet cafes to use the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't have it at home. So if you're travelling, you have to go there to check your email. Am I right? I'm thinking what you're actually saying is a gaming cafe. Like they don't need internet. Yeah.

Like, so they have these amazing. amazing computers set up and with huge screens and they've got all the games pre-installed on the thing and then... Yeah, and it's great because it's all on the one server so then you don't, you can actually play with other people in the internet cafe. I actually used to sneak out of home at night to go to internet cafes. Sorry, Mom, if you're listening. And this is actually so sad.

This is too sad to be cool, but we would go to internet cafes and just to hang out because it was something to do at nighttime. there was nothing on. This is the thing. They loved it. We arrived there and we said, so how long do you want to get you in like two hours? You know,

and they said, let's get the seven hour package. And so we went, oh, can we break it up? You know, we'll have lunch or something like that. And they said,

no, you're not allowed to let. But once you've started your seven hours, you have to stay in the internet cafe for seven hours. So we said, no, we made it to two hours.

Yeah, I mean, the longer you play, the higher your kill streak is. I used to play Call of Duty. me and my friends would sit in internet cafes and play Call of Duty, like, on the server. But because we were like quite young girls, like no one ever suspected that we were playing on it. Right. And so what we used to do was hide out in places and we used to snipe at people.

It's called camping when you camp out in a place and then you snip it people and kill them. And you can get a really high kill streak from sniping. It's not a good technique. Like, it's not respectable. In fact, it's quite a dog act. But hang on, isn't this what you should do to solve media diversity? It's just whole, just hide out in the lobbies of. and shoot white people.

Of, like, the ABC and Channel 9, Channel 7. And just snipe, yeah, snipe white TV presenters. That would really help. There's certainly enough of them. Yeah, and that's true. I mean, like, I'm Asian. So if I did that, they'd just look at me and be like, oh, she's the model minority and I'd get away with it.

Yeah. Nina would never do that. Well, that's kind of what we did at the internet cafe is that the boys would kind of look over us and be like, oh, there's a bunch of girls there. Like, they're not, they're clearly not the snipers. And we'd just be there being like, pooh, pew, pew. It's very good.

It's a lot of fun. Wow, it remind me never to go to a computer cafe with Nina. Badass. Anyway, so the thing that worried us was, you know, this is the time of COVID and everything like that. And there was quite a lot of people already there when we arrived. You were probably extremely sweaty. And you're sitting right next to these people.

That's true. I mean, gamers are not known for their hygiene. But then we realised that they probably have been sitting there since before the pandemic. So actually, this is like the worst. world's greatest self-isolation. Yeah, it's a bubble. Bubble, yeah, it's a bubble. It's like the NRL bubble, but the losers.

Anyway, so, yeah, it was a lot of fun. By the end of the day, three kids in the party of 12 had come up to me individually and said, this is so awesome, I'm going to have my birthday party here. Like, it was the greatest triumph of a birthday party you have ever seen. And is that like the least amount of effort? you've ever put into a birthday party? Because I imagine, like, other kids' birthday parties, you have to go to the park,

you have to bring all the food, you have to get the cake. And this one, you just trotted up a bunch of kids to an internet cafe. Trotted them up to an internet cafe. There were no arguments, because they weren't even talking to each other, except via the headsets.

And even that was just about how to kill each other. So it was sort of perfectly civil. And my wife and I just got to sit there and read our books. It was so good. It was the best birthday ever. Now, Charles, I'm bit torn by this, because on the one hand, it seems a bit sad to have all these kids just sitting in a little basement looking at screens, whatever.

But then in the era of COVID, the fact they were actually in the same place as their friends, probably the best day in a very long time. Oh, absolutely. The internet cafe is like truly the opposite of Zoom in that, you know, with Zoom, you're like all talking to each other, but you're in different places. Whereas in the internet cafe, you're all in the same place, but you're not talking to each other. Yep, it's perfect. It's beautiful.

And I actually, it was such a good day that I got my whole. book read. It's a fascinating book, actually. It's about the psychological impact of too much screen time on 12-year-olds. Fascinating, read. That's good. Did you learn anything? Nah. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. The Chaser Report is brought to you by the federal government, who's vaccinated over 25 million people against the COVID-19 virus next year. What? That doesn't make sense. Yes, it does. It's all here. in the press release from Scott Morrison himself. Really? Oh, yeah.

The federal government's vaccine is the perfect protection against COVID-19 if you just ignore the fact that it doesn't exist yet. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. So, Anna and Charles, it's time to catch up on the very latest news from the terrible pandemic that's ruining everything. COVID-Watch. Yes, indeed.

Now, look, Australia has come under a bit of criticism in the past week or so for the rule that basically nobody can leave. People have been applying to leave Australia. Only one in four get to actually get on a plane and get out of here. And people have compared to East Germany or Stalin or Mark Latham or whatever. What do you think of that rule before we get onto all the other weird rules elsewhere? Well, I think this is exactly like East Germany. I mean, East Germany is famed for its sun-drenched beaches

and lovely coffee, as is North Korea. So, yeah, I can see how horrible it must be for people in that situation of having to stay in Australia. Yeah, which is relatively safe from COVID-19. I think they've just got to wait it out, man. Like, you know, after the war ended, East Germany became a really trendy, artsy place. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, so in some ways Melbourne, if they waited out, will become even more Melbourne

than they've ever been before. Wow. Oh my God, peak Melbourne. It's going to happen. But the thing is every country has rules that can seem a little bit arbitrary, a little bit strange, as we all try and contain COVID. We don't really know what works. So let's head to India.

We're in the town of Puna. So you know how sometimes they have rules that cars with odd numbers can drive on one day and even the next day. In Pune, they've put in the same rules with shops. So odd-numbered shops can open on one day and even another day. But what that means is that one side of the street is open on one day and the other side is open on the other day. Do you think that would work?

I feel like this is just not addressing the problem at all because doesn't it just mean that one side of the street is crowded one day and one side of the street? In fact, probably doubly crowded. Yeah, because everyone from the other side goes to that side. Yeah, and then also what if, like, for example, what if the butcher is on like one side and then the grocer is on the other side,

so people are still going to be in crowds no matter what? Yeah. I think this is a terror. No, yeah, and you're constraining the number of places that people can be. This is a terrible idea. Is this by the pro-COVID coalition of India or something? Well, look, they tried it. I don't know if they're still doing it,

but they certainly experimented. In Panama, they've also got the idea of splitting everyone in half. What they've done is one day women can go out and the other day men can go out. How do you think that would work in practice? I think that would be a utopia and I would love it for that to happen here. That would be a utopia for you. Because I would never run into any men on the street and it would feel amazing.

I could walk home alone at, It'd be safe, wouldn't it? The things I could do. There's things I could do. But what about us? We'd have to hang out with all the dick-haired men. The only people would be able to interact with, we'd be dick-head men. That's what you get.

That's what you get for being a man. It'd be like being in the chaser all the time everywhere. And we cannot, we cannot allow this to happen because if it actually, you know, propaganda of the deed, once they've done it, women will never want to go back. No. Even after the pandemic, it'll be able to. like, nah. And imagine every single's like shop and restaurant would just be so lovely and clean and nice on the Wednesday. And on the men's day, five seconds did it. It would just have a smell of

piss. The entire city would be a urinal. Now, in Russia, another place with a lot of COVID around, they've made not only masks mandatory, but also rubber gloves. What do you think of that? Rubber gloves, everyone has to wear them in public. I think you're a bit confused on. That's not actually to do anything to do with COVID. That's just so that when they assassinate journalists, they don't leave any fingerprints around. Oh, right. I thought it was when they dismembered bodies.

Anyway. Now, another place with an unusual rule is in Singapore where they've got a very, very good metro system, but there's no talking on trains. This is the rule, so no one can speak and vocalise and emit aerosol. Does that make sense? I mean, does anyone talk on trains anyway?

Only dickheads talk on trains, I feel like. Yeah, I think everyone wants to keep to themselves, have a nice convent. This should just be regular law, I think. This should be law across the world, but it wouldn't work in Australia, unfortunately, because our train system is actually fuelled by Karen's getting up and doing racist rants on trains from Gosford. Yeah, all of the Newcastle line with the black going, yeah, kidday, mate. Hey, want some beer, got any titties, that bloke. Exactly.

Got any titty, sir. I took the overnight train to Melbourne once, and it literally, that was. It was all it was. It was just drinking for 12 hours. It was quite fun. So you think no speaking of public trip. But even to your loved ones? I'm saying it's a great idea.

I'm just saying it wouldn't work in Australia. Our trains would grind to a halt. They do anyway. There would be no internet content left if we didn't have racist rants on public transport. What would we watch? Well, they'd have to just do it on Zoom. What would be the point of trains then? There's no point.

That's why you catch a train to see a racist be mean to someone. Now, in Hong Kong, they've had an outbreak lately to a second wave. What they've done is they've banned... This feels like their third or fourth second wave. There's a few waves. I feel like every time I read the news, I'm checking with Hong Kong every couple of months and it goes, Hong Kong's going through a second wave. I'm like, this is another wave.

It's very high tech. There are always a few waves ahead of the rest of the world. So you can have weddings in Hong Kong. But what you can't have at the wedding is food or drink. So that's it. So you can just go and watch the ceremony that have no food. fun at all afterwards. I mean, I haven't ever been to a wedding, but isn't the whole point that there is

an open bar? Yeah. Look, I'm up with the food thing. I think that that's fine. Like, who cares? In fact, not having food just. It helps you get drunker. Yeah, exactly.

But I think there is a bit of a, there's a loophole here that I think you should use, which is, okay, you're not allowed to drink, but you are allowed hand sanitizer. I'm just saying. To drink the hand sanitizer or just to huff it? Yeah. Because I feel like I've smelled a hand sanitizer and definitely, it's, it's, it's affected me. Whatever floats your boat, Nana, whatever floats you about, this is a wedding. Have you noticed a different hand sanitizers smell like different types of alcohol?

Like the Woolworth one smells like tequila, but then I went to like the Harris Farm one, it smells like vodka. Yeah. I didn't even go shopping anymore. I just go around to different, you know, grocery stores and squirt hand sanitizer and taste it. You can't go to pubs anymore. So I just go to chemists. and yeah. Actually, guys, I've brought it in really lovely vintage chemist's own

aloe vera hand sanitiser today. If you want to just try a shot? This goes very well with tonic, actually. But Charles, you cry at weddings anyway. So wouldn't you just spread your viruses everywhere anyway through your tears? I'm a real sucker for weddings. If you ever want someone to genuinely sob at your wedding,

just invite me. Nina, is this true? Next time you get married. I don't know if it's true or... No, it's true. Charles got engaged. He got engaged at another wedding. Not really?

Just going, we should do this. It's very romantic. I think, Charles, if you'd never been to that wedding, you may never have gotten married. Nana, you may think of me of this stern, steely exterior. It's true, I do. This rock of, very much so, just unfeeling. But I'm actually inside just soft and gooey like the rest of us.

Gross. Next question. So, in Tokyo, what they've done in Japan's done really well with COVID in general. But they've banned kissing in bars, unless it's with your partner. So you can't have a kiss with a new person in a bar. And specifically it says you can't kiss employees. And was this an issue that needed to be controlled? Well, you're the expert in Japan, Nina.

What is going on with bars in Japan? I don't know. I feel like no kissing in bars is actually quite a good rule. I feel like Japan's done it again. What? You know, we're superior, Japanese people. We're ahead of the curve. You know, they haven't gone into a lockdown or anything,

and now no kissing your bars. It's fantastic. What's the point of going to a bar if you can't kiss somebody other than your partner? But also, this is the whole point of going to a bar. I mean, I've been to my fair share of bars in Tokyo and no one ever kissed me, so I was ahead of the curve there. But no, but isn't it fun?

Except for employees, don't. Oh, right. But isn't everyone wearing a mask? mask already? I don't know. Maybe you can kiss people through the mask. What's the consensus on that? The little loophole there.

Is it really kissing? If you had a loophole, it would work. Yeah. Well, actually, that very supposition takes us to New York. I think they've rescinded an embarrassment now, but the health department put out guidelines suggesting wearing a mask while having sex. And they said, you know, make it a bit kinky. Roll play with the masks.

And I just wonder, what is the role play? Like, is it nurses and doctors? Is it, like, some sort of weird torture thing? It's two people infected by COVID coming together. Maybe the game is, like, security guard, quarantine person. Look, I think this has completely destroyed kinky sex. Like, now the kinky thing to do, because the government's now said, oh, this is, you should have kinky sex.

So now, the kinkiest thing you can do, which is really forbidden, is to just have sex in the missionary position and face. Yes, exactly. Well, do you know, fun fact, you can't actually get coronavirus from having sex. You can get it, though, from eating ass. So, I mean, I'm not saying that it's a good idea, but I think that, like, it would technically work. That's true.

Like, according to science, it would work. It's really, really interrupted all the asses. You don't have to, like, you just like, you don't have to kiss people. You don't have to, like, look at them. You know, I feel like it's easier. Okay, good. So you're saying this is backed by science. But there's some interesting logistics here because the guidelines go on.

Make a little kinky, they say, be creative with sexual positions and physical barriers like walls that allow sexual contact while preventing close face-to-face contact. Is the New York Health Department advocating glory holes at this point? Yes. I think so. Yes. I certainly hope so. You know, not enough governments have advocated for glory holes. It's true.

Now, off to Indonesia where there are all kinds of different rules around the country. In the region of Badung, if you're caught without a mask, to get a free one from a police officer or whoever and comply with the law, you have to do push-ups or dance. You have to do something, some sort of physical display, then they'll give you the mask that you're supposed to have to wear. The other thing you can do is sing the nest. Anthem, which I think has obvious shortcomings, but...

Hang on, so what is the reason for this display? Is it to show that you're fit and you aren't coughing after doing push-ups? Or is it just to show that the police officer that you're a good, tough, a big, tough man that can do some push-ups? I think it's just supposed to humiliate you a bit. Punish you in some sort of practical, immediate way. Drop and give me 10 and I'll give you a mask. I feel like doing push-ups is like a flex.

You do 10 push-ups and you're like, whoa. Yeah, I think this is social Darwinism, because the people who are not going to be able to do 10 pushups are these sort of overweight people with comorbidities that are then going to die because they don't have a mask and they can't do push-ups. Well, here's something that I think really could be quite fatal. In central Java, there's one village that has made everyone who's returned from outside the village. They're saying you've got to do quarantine, but not only if you've got to do quarantine, you have to do it in a haunted house.

Like, do you have to do two weeks quarantine in a haunted? I don't know if it's two weeks, but you've got to spend some time. several nights in the haunted house before they'll let you into your village. What, like a real haunted house or like a fake circus haunted house with a performance or in a real ghost, ghostly haunted house? If it was some shit carnival,

that would actually be quite funny. No, look, it's a genuinely haunted house. It's a house that is said to be haunted, like the village believes that it's haunted. I think this is good because talking to people who have been in compulsory lockdown, apparently it gets really, really boring. So, you know, having a bit of jeopardy,

thinking that your life was in peril 24 hours a day, would at least it would give you something to live for. Yeah, an evil poltergeist would actually, you know, pass the time better than staring at the wall. But you know how, like, if you have the hiccups and people go boo and they scare you and get rid of the hiccups, I mean, maybe their theory is that the ghosts will go boo and then they'll scare the coronavirus out of you.

I love it. Could be. But things get darker still in another part of, Java. So in East Java, and this is absolutely true, at least it was in the news, if you don't wear your mask in public, the punishment is you have to help bury COVID victims. Oh my God. Extreme, perhaps. That is very morbid. Yeah. But look, I mean, if Bunnings Karen was forced to go and bury a COVID victim, she might think twice. It's very sad. I know,

I feel like I'm, I like a hard line and even that I was just like, man, like, sick. Being a dead body is definitely. I assume this one on the side is shouts, this is your fault. Yeah. Although it would be, what if, you know,

what if it just like sparked something within you, you didn't really know about and you were like got a new fetish by accident or something? Accidental necrophilia. Yeah. Maybe like, you know. Well,

as long as they use a glory hole, it'll be completely safe. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. The Chaser Report. is brought to you by the COVID-19 vaccine. You know what Australia really needs, Dom? A solution to climate change?

A redistribution of intergenerational wealth? That's right. A vaccine. Have you got one? No, but I'm very proud to announce that we've got an announcement about one. Well, that's almost as good as the real thing. It sure is. You know what Australia really needs.

A vaccine against premature announcements. That's a great idea. Let's announce one. None of the medical advice contained in the chase Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chesa Report. Well, that's the wrap-up for today. And we don't have any, like, breaking news. It looks like, oh, hang on.

It's Rebecca Deunamuno with the breaking news. Carl Stefanovic has been sacked from Channel 9 after he revealed his heritage was not exclusively Anglo-Celtic. Asked who would replace Stefanovic, a spokesman for 9 said they would conduct a rigorous recruiting process after which a friend of one of the producers would be given the job. Thanks for listening, everyone, and thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. You can download us wherever you get your podcast or head to chaser.com.com.com

you slash podcasts for more episodes. And feel free to give us a five-star rating if you have the time. Absolutely. Five stars. Five stars. No more, no less. Or six. Out of ten. And now we're going to leave you with a very important, sorry, Now we're going to leave you for an ad for a very new, important documentary.

So you've all heard of Craig Rucastle's Planet A, right? Yeah, fight for Planet A. What a stirring piece of documentary. He used to be funny that guy. Well, Charles, you've actually come out with a brand new documentary too. Oh, absolutely, yes. And look, in some way, you know, I never like to shit on my colleagues, but, you know, this documentary is so much better than Craig's.

In fact, it features you literally shitting on Craig, doesn't it? Yeah, let's check it out. You've all watched The Fight for Planet A. So informative. Packed with practical tips to reduce your carbon footprint. By just swapping out a couple of red meat meals a week to plant-based options, the boys could make a significant reduction in their food emissions. That nobody's ever going to get around to actually doing.

Popping his foam inside the unused fireplace will help stop the draft. Yeah, I'll do it next week. Introducing a new documentary from Charles Firth, which delivers a more realistic approach. to our climate challenge. Okay, the Earth's fucked because everyone in the world is an apathetic shit-ed.

So I reckon, we pack up and we go to Planet B. Packed with informative tips on how to get yourself the hell out of here. Okay, if you want to get enough money to make it onto Arc A, I suggest investing in coal mines

and fracking operations, especially the ones that pollute the local water table. They're always the most profitable. Including thoughtful advice on how to look after your family. Okay, your kids are dead weight. Ditch them and your partner by telling them you're just going out to get some milk and then never returning. Daddy, where are you?

So pack up and go to Planet B, a realistic approach to climate change. Tonight on ABC TV.