The Chaser Report - The Flood Gaetz Are Open

Episode Date: November 14, 2024

Donald Trump has begun using his control of the House to appoint some totally normal people to his administration. Dom and Charles are inspired by Elon Musk's involvement in the US political machine, and ponder who Australia should appoint as 'Co-PM'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. A momentous day, Charles, it's just become clear moments ago that in the United States, the House of Representatives will go to drum roll, please. Can you guess who it is? Can you guess? Maybe Tom Cruise, does he win that?

I don't know. How does it work? What's the... Oh, no. It'll be... It'll be... Is it the teals? The teals were in the House of...

The teals? Yeah. Wouldn't that be amazing if the teals had somehow... No, it's the Republicans. Charles. The same people who won the Senate and the presidency.

They now have total control over pretty much anything they can do whatever they want. And so if, I don't know, Donald Trump were to choose someone who's been charged with being a sexual predator as attorney general,

put them in charge of the whole US federal law system. Someone like Representative Matt Gates of Florida, who's been charged with some very creepy things, which people can Google if they want to know more and be quite nauseated if they're true. Yeah, no one's going to stop it. It's just going to happen. Look, he was only accused and the Justice Department looked into it. He denied that he was a sex trafficker and did all these creepy things with really quite young people. And look, there's lots of... And that's good enough for me. There's lots of photos. There's lots of photos online of

Matt Gates, hanging out with very young people and stuff. But, you know, where there's smoke, is there always fire? No, Donald Trump's been convicted by a court of sexual assault. Yeah, exactly. He's not... On the balance of probability, so he knows. Matt Gates is not as much of a sexual predator according to the law as Donald Trump is. Well, not proven to be.

You say, if anything, he's moderate compared to Trump. And anyway... This got dark quickly, didn't it? Anyway, so that's what's happening in the US. What I'm saying is, you know, Attorney General, they're in charge of the Justice Department. They're in charge of all these arms. Who better than to appoint someone who's got to grudge against the Justice Department? They say to catch a thief, don't they?

Yes, exactly. You've got to be able to know and think how the criminals work in order to be able to sort of get them. Like, Matt Gates will be able to lend experience, which I'm sure none of the other senior bureaucrats at the Justice. does the department have, which is a real life knowledge about what it's like to be investigated by that department. Indeed. Look, lots else to talk about the co-presidency of Elon Musk and whether there are essentially some ideas here for our very own Anthony Albanese.

We'll get into that after this. Yeah, so Matt Gates is going in there, along with some other very interesting picks, Tulsi Gabbard, is the Director of National Intelligence, despite no experience at all in the area. But she's loyal to Trump, and that's what is necessary. But Charles, it's really Elon Musk's role that is the most interesting. We talked about Doge, the Department of Government Efficiency, which, I mean, it sounds like a big joke and yet is going to happen and sack a large number of people. But it seems as though it goes beyond that, doesn't it? Yeah, and you sort of feel like Doge is going to end up, you know, in 50 years time, when we're teaching our kids about this and our grandkids about this era of history.

It does feel like Doge is going to. be, you know, one of those institutions like the SS or something like that, where, and then he's, you know, like the Department of Government Efficiency, like, it's something that would be in a George Orwell novel, isn't it? Like, the Department of Government of Efficiency, which became the biggest, most unwieldy bureaucracy that the world had ever seen and took over the rest of the, like, don't you think that that's what's going to happen with the Department of Government of Efficiency? Like, I've just got this sort of spidey sense that Donald Trump is not really just the only president of the United States, that Elon Musk is going to become a sort of co-president

of the United States. And a lot of people are saying that, like, the amount of power that some sort of committee that's set up that exists outside the exact, the current system, is a little bit like the way the Communist Party operates in the states, in the places that it sort of operates. You're saying outside of the mechanisms of state, and that's exactly what I think it's going to be because they won't confirm Musk and there's ethics rules. He'd have to agree to ethics rules that said that he couldn't make lots of money out of working

to the government. He doesn't want to do that. So you said, I think the term is a star chamber is that it? So a chamber full of stars. And the way the Communist Party operates for listeners who don't know, like in both Russia and China, it actually operates under a similar sort of principle, which is that it acts as a third rail. So it

exists outside the constitutional systems largely that are there. So you still have a, you know, a Congress in China and you still got officials, but there's this sort of other presence, the Communist Party, where you've got to be a member of it to sort of be part of that, but also they're the people who make the decisions and then tell the bureaucrats what to do. And I feel like that's what Doge is going to be. It's going to be this sort of communist party style third rail presence in American life.

And because it's ambit is everything, right? Like it's literally gone, it gets to tell every department, they're sort of going around the whole constitutional system. And the interesting thing is one of the great things that we learned in the first Trump presidency was that actually so much of what is cherished about the good parts of American democracy, not part of the system. They're actually rely on the conventions of the system. That everyone agrees.

Oh, good like our system, where there's no rules and it's just all convention. And this is the... Like the British system, I mean. And this is the ultimate tool to smash those conventions because anything that's not illegal is now completely doable using Doge. And the great thing about that, I guess, is it just gives government a new vibrancy. Because when Elon were coming with his fresh ideas, he will be unburdened by knowledge of how anything works. Yes, exactly.

These experts running everything. Remember, oh, yes. Yeah, you don't want that. But Charles, I do want to reassure people who are worried about Elon. I mean, he says he'll do it in a matter of weeks, really, to start sacking people en masse. And, I mean, he might, but counterpoint to that is anybody who's ever had any experience with a Tesla.

And people might know that the self-driving functionality, in fact, everything Tesla has ever done has run years. late. So like the self-driving still isn't really there in any meaningful sense, certainly not in Australia. It's not legal here. But you remember people waited for the model three in the cyber truck for an incredibly long time. Yes. I think in some cases longer than the four years of a term of office. So Elon, despite all of his claims of efficiency, he might just be starting to think about this in four years. Yes. Well, this is why. So maybe we shouldn't worry too much if we're bureaucrats. Yeah, but that's why he needs another four years. Like I'm already team for

more years. Oh, yeah. And, you know, some Democrats actually trying to pass a bit of legislation clarifying that Trump doesn't get eight years. Yeah, good luck on that. As if they'd bother to follow the Constitution if he decided to stay on. Because you know Trump joked about that after visiting Biden. No, just like literally yesterday.

Yeah, yeah. He said, oh, well, I'll be here for another eight years. Wark and hell. Anyway. Yeah, funny stuff. Really funny stuff. But, Charles, there is a grain of hope here. Yes, I think that's right.

There is a grain of hope here for someone, we can't call him a friend of the show. He's never come on the show, and he's not particularly our friend at this stage. Anthony Albanesey, the Prime Minister, who's in dire trouble, it must be seen. I mean, he's co-president, it seems. The person he's most attached to at this point is Kevin Rudd, and it's not going very well. Well, yes, I mean, I think, you know, Rudd is used to being stabbed in the back. I think his... Albow is used to stabbing people in the back.

So I think that will play out, according to the wishes of Donald Trump. And as a student of Chinese history, as right as one of the keen scholars of modern China, he knows that the firing squad out at the back of the building is only moments. That's the rule of modern China, is that you can get convicted and executed within just the blink of an eye, really. They can get it so fast. Yes, yes. None of this appeals process, you're just out the back of the court. room, boom.

Yeah, watch you back, Kevin. But, no, no, I think, look, if you had to say who is the co-prime minister of Australia, you know, in the same way that Trump and Musk are co-presidents, surely the co-prone is actually Peter Dutton at the moment. Like, he's the one who does all the policies. Setting the agenda. Yeah, setting the agenda. Yeah, definitely.

I mean, look at the university students cap, all these sort of immigration changes. Yeah, I mean, since the voice in which Peter Dutton really led Australia. to know, despite Albo trying to push things the other way, it's true. He really has been setting the agenda in all kinds of ways, has done. But I wonder whether, therefore, Albo should sort of look to Trump and go, maybe we sort of formally replicate it in Australia and sort of go, okay, maybe Peter Dutton, the only person in Australia more unpopular than Albo is not the person to hit your wagon to.

Like maybe actually... Oh, you think someone else should have the job? Maybe he should sack Peter Dutton as co-prime minister, and instead, like, and it can be anyone because it sort of exists outside the constitutional system. It's a star chamber. They're co-president. They can't be sacked. And most importantly, the Labor Caucus can't get to them, Charles.

Yeah, exactly. And they can run a doge or something like that to give them, you know, this sort of sense of authority. But who should have been. Always got to be planning a doge already. Who should be the next co-prime minister? Let's think about it during these wonderful ads. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust.

Now, there's one person that comes to mind immediately. And already has been a co-primeister of sorts over the past few years and has a lot of time on his hands now. I'm thinking, of course, of Alan Joyce. Yes, of course. They've had this. I mean, he denies the text messages and all this sort of stuff, but they've clearly collaborated very well on upgrades.

And Alan Joyce. believe that story. And Alan Joyce would have the numbers in Parliament, wouldn't he? He's got about 95% of them. He can still get you into the Chairman's Lounge, can he? Yeah, exactly. Still nice people? He probably, yeah.

So he would be good both at a parliamentary level. Like, he'd be able to get 95% of the vote across the line. And then he'd also be able to... Because what are the institutions do we need driven into the ground in the same way that Alan Joyce drove... Oh, well, the public service. I mean, he can do what Elon did he? Yes.

Remember how he sacked types of Qonis's staff. And nobody noticed anything different at Conner's. Didn't their flights and their luggage services in particular run just as well after his purges before? Because in some ways, the whole RoboDiet scandal was caused by the effectiveness of the Centrelink computers. And if you put Alan Joyce in charge, then suddenly the computers would just start exploding after a while. They wouldn't be able to do a thing. And they'd catch fire and nobody would be able to answer it. They'd just get lost.

They'd probably, like, they'd send out a whole. a whole lot of Robo Debt letters and they just wouldn't reach the people. Like that's the exact... They'd explode mid-air. And they'd just be randomly cancelled. Yes. Debtes would just be randomly cancelled

like Quina's flights. Yes. So that would be good. And then also... That's one option. On the housing crisis, I think Alan Joyce would be very good on the housing crisis.

He'd just be able to get everyone into the chairman's lounge. You could get millions of people who can't afford a place to sleep. They can have a shower. Yes. In the chairman's lounge, they can,

and maybe not sleep overnight, but a quick little kip. Yes, he's got... A cup of coffee? To premium accommodation. I love it. Okay. So if Alan Joyce doesn't want to do it,

let's say he's had enough of Australia. He must have back to Ireland or something. Who else could be the co-prime minister with Anthony Albanese? Who else is he close to? Who is friends, Charles? Well, he doesn't have any friends. Isn't there at least someone in the media who is... Is there someone like the hang out and like...

Oh, like, you know, like those people who invite you to their wedding, even though they don't really know you? A proper mate. He likes you for who you are. Kyle Sandalins. Of course, Carl Sandelins. Perfect. Could be co-prime minister.

I mean, he really seems to understand what people in Melbourne want. He's really got the era of the Victorian capital. No, but I think... Not so much. No, no. Dom, you're so naive about politics. Right, so the whole game is... It's clearly going to be in a minority parliament after the next election, right?

There's no way Labor's going to get the majority. Oh, yeah, the teals are all. Yeah. And so as a favour to the teals, and Albo can say this to the teals, he can say, look, I'm doing you a favour. I'm going to become massively unpopular in Victoria by making Kyle Sandelands my Prime Minister. So you can now swoop in and take all the Victorian seats, right? And then after the election, when he doesn't have enough seats because he lost them all to the teals, he can turn around to the teals and say, look, what a huge favour I did for you. Come and be part of my government.

Isn't they? Very good. And Carl Sandelands will be a minister for women, presumably. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So, Kyle's an option. Who else? Is there someone in the party he's friendly with?

I don't think it's any pleboset could work. Well, I mean, he's got some sackholes in. The problem is they're not the sharpest tools in the ship. I mean, who's the deputy PM? Because that's... No, rigid Miles. I really find it hard to tell Miles and Charmers and all those... No, no, no, no.

All those sort of bland white guys apart. No, you can't. No. No, no, Miles and Albaugh are enemies, I think. Because Miles is from Victoria. Like, it would never be Miles. Because Richard Miles, I mean, he's done a wonderful job of not really troubling the scorer. I mean, I wouldn't recognise him in a police line-up,

except that I'd probably think it was the blandest one. But he's the guy delivering orchards, Dom. Well, exactly. Well, actually, that's a good point. Yes. If you want policy delivered, look at the person who's got all those signature achievements. surely Scott Morrison could be the co-prime minister. Yes, what's it called when you draft?

Yeah, draft, Sky Mo. They could job share. Drafts Scott Morrison. I mean, Scott Morrison's already good at being, you know, taking on someone's job without knowing about it. He may already be co-prime minister, I'm not sure. I love it. I love it.

I think we've solved. I feel like, like, Elon Musk was somebody who wasn't even really in politics until five seconds ago. So I think it's got to be someone really quite, like I'm thinking, Bindy Irwin, maybe Bindy Irwin, could be, yeah like she's quite Gina Reinhardt

Quite entrepreneurial Yeah, yeah Clive Twiggy Twiggy, he's got that Twiggy Forrest, he'd be up for the challenge Oh, I know Recognition

and serious questions about competence Raygun Raygun That would get cut through And then the thing is Nobody would be saying Albo is the worst person in government Anyway

Yeah, Yeah, elbow wouldn't seem like the most embarrassing. That's right. Yeah, because you don't want your co-prime minister to sort of outshine you, do you? Outshine you? No, there's no danger with that. Charles, one more idea before we go. We might be missing an obvious thing here.

Oh, yeah. Okay, the criteria for the co-president based on the Musk and Trump model, billionaire, no expertise really in the given area. Yeah. Doesn't understand the public service much at all. Yeah. already. Yes.

Totally backs himself to do anything and seems to have almost no people skills. Yes. Surely Elon Musk can also be Albo's prime minister as well as running the Doge and SpaceX and Twitter and Tesla and the boring company and Neurolink. And is that all of his business? There are a bunch more, aren't there? And the perfect thing is Elon Musk is a bit racist, right? Which makes him perfect for the Australian electorate.

Like, he'll fit right in. And imagine the lovely things you'll say on X to help Albao get re-elected. Ah, look, Dom, you've solved the problem. I'm going to call the PMO immediately and, well, just tell them that that's what's happening. You don't really need a democratic decision on that. No, no, no, you don't. And just pitch it to Elon. No one ever says no to that guy.

I wonder whether he'd buy Australia. Can you actually tweet now and offer to Elon to be... No. No. He might do it. You know, you'll do it as a joke and then it'll become true, Dom. No, stop it. Stop it.

All right. It's going to have to be Ray Gunn then. We are part of the Iconiclass Network. It's you tomorrow.